All language subtitles for Not Going Out s05e03 Camping.eng

We've just popped round to borrow
that sleeping bag, Lucy.

It's in the hallway.
I don't know why we can't snuggle up in one?

Daisy, we can't share
one sleeping bag.

We could go top to tail.

We're going camping
this weekend.

I hate camping.
Course you do, it's for real men.

Men who like pitting their wits
against all nature has to offer,

knowing that one mistake or one bad
decision could mean life or death.

Where are you going?

Buttercup Family Campsite.

I'll get that sleeping bag.

Oh, why don't you two join us
this weekend?

You're joking, right?
Lee couldn't cope with camping.

Why couldn't I?

Well come on, Tim's right, you're not
exactly a man's man, are you?

You what?
I grew up on a council estate.

That is your answer to everything.
"Why haven't you got me a Christmas present, Lee?"

"I grew up on a council estate."

'Why don't you shower every day,
Lee?"

"I grew up on a council estate."

"What's the capital
of Bulgaria, Lee?"

"I grew up on a council estate."

Yeah, well,
if there's one thing they taught me, it's "stick to your story".

Who did? Everyone.
I grew up on a council estate.

Anyway, I'd last a lot longer
camping than someone like you. What do you mean, "someone like me?"

Yeah, racist.

You wouldn't last five minutes
away from your work desk with all your gadgets.

You'd never adapt
to living in the great outdoors.

I'd adapt a lot better
than you did to living indoors.

All right. Let's both go camping.

Fine. Let's do it.

OK. But no technology allowed.
No laptops, no gizmos, no nothing.

Suits me.

I mean it. No gadgets whatsoever.
It's back to nature.

Ooh, get Bear Grylls!

No, they're definitely not allowed.

A bear grill would be massive.

I thought you hated camping?

Well, I've changed my mind.

I've decided I love
a bit of Mother Nature.

She doesn't have flushing toilets,
she smells of poo and she's covered in bugs.

You should have met Lee's mother.

I love the great outdoors.

I learnt all about it when I was
in a gang. We were pretty tough lads.

Exploring. Starting fires.
Helping old people.

Tim, the Cubs isn't a gang.

So, where exactly are you
two going to be sleeping?

I've brought a tent.

What about you, Lucy?

Well...
Lee said I could sleep in his.

Stop the car! You're driving.

Oh yeah.

You can't share a tent
with someone of the opposite sex unless you're a couple.

Oh yeah, I forgot about
the Tent Cohabitation Act 1908.

It's not acceptable behaviour. Would
you share a hotel room together?

Well, I'm up for it if you...
I wasn't suggesting it!

I've got a spare tent for you, Lucy.
And there's only room for one, it's a one-man tent.

Very sexist isn't it, camping?
One "man" tent. "Guy" rope...

Carry On Camping.

Pass me the sat nav.

It's not there.

Oh yeah, I took your sat nav out
and left it at home.

Oh, brilliant!

Well, don't get in
a Timmy Tiz with me.

Lee said the rules
were no gadgets allowed.

Oh, did he?

I didn't mean sat navs,
I meant office stuff.

So what's the plan,
Mr No Gadgets Allowed?

We're going to use a map, Mrs...
Tits.

I'll get us to that campsite and
have the barbecue set up before you can say, "sat navs are for losers."

I'm sure it was that last turning.

Give me that map.

Get off!
Women aren't as good at map reading.

What?

It's not sexist, it's
a scientific fact. It's something to do with spatial awareness.

I'm surprised that caught you
unaware then. It's like you've got "spacial" needs.

Well thanks to Lee we're not going to
find this campsite tonight, are we?

Oh great. Now what?

Will you stop panicking?
We are surrounded by countryside, we can camp anywhere.

No, we can't.

You have to be a minimum 100 metres
away from an A or B road,

not on privately-owned farmland
or recognised archaeological sites.

The Camping Code of Conduct
isn't written just for fun, you know.

Oh, that's just an added bonus,
is it?

All right, we'll go off
the beaten track then.

Here we go. "Grinchly Woods".
That'll be nice.

How do you know?

I dunno.
Because I've heard of it before.

So? You've heard of eczema.

Isn't that a National Park?

Are you sure about this?
Those woods look a bit spooky.

What's the problem? It's just a load
of trees. Trees don't hurt you.

It was the last thing he said,
officer, then we heard "Timber!"

Maybe it was the scene of
a horrific murder where the killer brutally dismembered his victims

and the story wedged a place
in the dark recesses of your mind.

Or maybe you've seen it
on Countryfile.

Well, if we'd have been allowed
to bring some technology I could have Googled it.

Then again,
if we'd been allowed to bring guns, I could have shot myself!

What was that?

It was just the sound
of a twig breaking.

Yeah? But what stood on it
to make it break?

Maybe it was the sound
of a neck being broken.

No, Daisy, that's a completely
different sound. Allow me to demonstrate.

Right, we're finding somewhere
a little bit less... Scooby Doo.

Yeah, to manage
this dramaticness I call my rep every step,

stay on deck,
keeping bustaz in check.

Certified murder guide,
through the streets of death.

Oh sorry... no. Scooby Doo!
I was getting mixed up. I thought you meant Snoop Doggy Dog.

What's that? It sounds awful.

Yeah, like the scream of a man
having his throat slit.

Shut up!

It's the fan belt slipping.

And then snapping.

Look, just get us out of this place
and in the morning, we'll find a mechanic who can sort it out.

OK. Er, excuse me!
We don't need to find anyone.

I think you'll find you've got
a real man here with you in the car.

Take your tights off.

I'm trying to work out what's worse.
Saying it to my girlfriend or saying it to my sister.

Come on, Lucy, you've
got tights on under those jeans.

Take them off we'll use them
as a temporary fan belt.

How do you know that?

Every bloke in the world knows that.

I mean how do you know my sister
wears tights under her jeans?

Every bloke in the world knows that.

I saw you putting them on
in your bedroom this morning.

I couldn't help it,
the door was open and the mirror was at a funny angle.

By the time you'd taken them
out of the suitcase on the top of your cupboard,

undone the packaging
and slipped them on, it was too late to avert my gaze.

It's a good idea.
It helps your circulation. Thank you. Oh, her.

Forget it.
I'm not letting you mess with my car.

We'll do what Lucy says and
let an expert look in the morning.

Fine. But if you drive off now,
you'll be invalidating your extended warranty.

Right, Lucy. Get 'em off.

Whilst you're doing that,
I'll go and check out the damage.

There's a torch in the glove box.

No, there isn't.
I took that out as well.

You said no electronic gadgets.

It's got to be a wind up.

Exactly,
this one was battery operated!

Don't worry, I'll improvise.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

Of course I know what I'm doing.
I know loads about cars, can we just pop the hood, please?

"We should find a mechanic,
he'll sort it out". No, Lucy, I'll sort it out.

Because believe it or not,
I am actually a bloke.

I wish people would stop
treating me like an idiot.

OK. Rev it!

I can't believe
I'm letting Lee fix my car.

Look, cut him some slack.
He's just trying to prove himself the alpha male.

Who knows? He might surprise you.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Well, at least you
kept your promise of a barbecue.

By the way, Daisy, if this
sort of thing ever happens again,

the correct procedure
is to roll someone on the ground or cover them with a blanket.

Not just blow really hard.

Well, the car's not going anywhere.

Looks like we're going to have
to sleep in the woods after all.

Well, we could sleep in the car,
I suppose. It's certainly warmer.

Well, it is now!

Have you lot gone soft? We're
supposed to be on a camping trip. Where's your sense of adventure?

Actually sleeping in the car
might be a bad idea. We might get deep vein thrombosis?

What's that?

It's a clotting in the arteries
after sitting for too long.

Is that the same as Jet Set Willy?

You're right,
I can't spend all night in this car.

Great. We'll find a nice secluded
spot, set up camp and sort all this out in the morning.

What was that?

What?

I'm sure I just saw
somebody near those trees.

It's probably
just an animal or something.

What kind of animal?

I dunno. What animal
roams around in the woods at night?

A chicken?

You don't get man-sized chickens.

You get family-sized chickens.

I'm telling you I just saw a man.

Maybe it was a man
dressed as a chicken.

I'm not sleeping on my own
in those woods.

Well, if you're nervous,
you can always share my tent.

Don't raise your eyebrows at me.

At least I've still got some.

Good job I didn't say
"keep your hair on."

You'll be fine in your own tent,
Lucy, there was nothing there.

Well, go out in the woods
and check then.

Lee can go. I think I might
stay here and prepare the marshmallows for toasting.

Do you do any other impressions?
Or is it just Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2?

Go on then... I thought you said
earlier we had a real man in the car. You're not scared, are you?

Course I'm not.
I grew up on a council estate.

If it's a bear,
punch him on the nose.

That's sharks.

Oh yeah.

Only punch him on the nose
if it's a shark.

Or a man dressed as a shark.

Oh, it's you deer.

What do you call a deer
with no eyes?

Correctly spelt.

Tough crowd.

Ow!

What the hell are you doing?

I come out here to check you're OK
and that's how you thank me? You're not up north now, Lee.

Down here we still
communicate with speech.

Oh, very funny.
Take that off your face now, Lee.

I'm not joking.

I've just about had enough
of you today, Lee.

If you don't take that off now,

I'll come over there
and take it off for you.

"Or you could just keep it on.

It really suits you actually.

Oi! Over here!

That's it. Come on."

I've got some photos of
Charlie Cairoli's wife in my pocket.

No, over here!

That's it. No funny business.

Actually, change of plan.
Go back the other way.

Oi!

Oi! Oi!

Oi!

Come on, Lee. It's your go.

Lee?

He-e-elp!

Lock your doors! Why?
Just lock them!

It wasn't a chicken, was it?

It was a man.

Well, at least I think it was.
He was wearing a mask.

What, you mean
it was a chicken dressed as a man?

What do you mean, a mask?

A clown mask.

Was he standing
on the back of a zebra?

No.

Well, the last one I saw was.

And when he fell off,
everyone just laughed.

But I cried,
especially when the ambulance

that picked him up fell apart.

What was he doing?
Throwing eggs at people.

The clown in the woods!

Don't know, we ran off.

Oh, God!
Do you think he's a psychopath?

Of course he's not.

I'm sure there's a perfectly
reasonable explanation.

Yeah, perhaps he's lost.

Maybe he was shot out of a cannon.

Well, whoever he is, he's out there.

We've got to get out of here!
How can we?

We're in the middle of nowhere
and the car's not working.

I saw a film recently
called Roadkill.

Loads of college kids break down
in the desert in their campervan.

They all decided to leave the
vehicle. Do you know what happened?

One by one,
they were picked off and eaten

by a family of inbred cannibals!

Well, thanks for that!

I'm thinking of having a nightmare
later, but I'm running out of ideas. I'll try and work that in!

Oh, God! It's always the pretty boys
they get first!

I saw a film about people
that broke down in a car

and they stayed exactly where
they where and didn't get killed.

In fact, it was the car
that led them to safety.

What film was that?

Herbie Goes Bananas.

Look, we're staying put,
keeping the doors locked

and we'll find help in the morning.

We'll take it in turns
to keep lookout.

And who put you in charge?
If it wasn't for your stupid

no gadgets allowed policy, the
police would have been here by now!

I hope you're not blaming me
for this. It's not me that shouted at Coco the Bloody Psychopath!

I thought you said he wasn't
a psychopath! He wasn't at first,

but Tim has a way
of bringing out the worst in people.

Could be worse.
We could be in Milton Keynes.

What? You said Milton Keynes
was full of psychopaths.

Cycle paths!

Tim?

Tim, you awake?

Thank you, Lord Sugar.

Please, call me Margaret.

I know you're used to inflating
the women in your life,

but please don't do it to me.

Do you think he's gone?

I hope so.

But if he hasn't, don't worry.
I'll look after you.

Like I say,
when we do find a proper campsite,

if you're still nervous
you can always sleep in my tent.

She'll be fine.

I thought you were asleep.
You were hoping I was asleep.

No, I was hoping you were in a coma.

I thought it was really brave
to go out there on your own.

It was nothing.

Going in to those woods
was just natural instinct.

It's the one advantage of being
brought up by a family of gibbons.

Sometimes in life,
you've got to forget your own safety

and just protect those around you.

If you're looking for the pretty
boy, he's sat in the front.

Lucy, you know when there's a fire
and you're supposed to say,

"Mr Sands is in the building."
So nobody panics?

Yeah?

Well, Mr Chuckles
has just popped up to say hello.

Oh, you
and your disgusting euphemisms!

If you don't stop trying
it on with my sis...

Sorry, I was dreaming
I was in Australia.

There must have been
a bit of a delay.

He's gone.

Are you sure?

I think so.

Oh, my God, there's two of them!

What do you want, you red-nosed,
grinning, bald-headed bastard?!

I think we should calm down.

They're clowns.

They're probably
just after the tents.

It's not just a couple of clowns,
I'm afraid.

What the hell's going on?
I don't know,

but something tells me
we're in big trouble.

Oh, thank God, it's Batman!

They're coming!
Oh my God, they're going to kill us!

Quick, in the glove box.

We'll never fit in there!

There's a camping knife!

Oh.

Please tell me
you didn't leave that at home?

Well, it is a gadget. No, it isn't!

Well, Inspector Gadget
had one in his thumb.

Look, Daisy, I love you to bits,

but it has to be said sometimes
you are an absolute idiot.

Oh yeah? And what were you
going to do with a knife, posh nuts? Offer to slice their cheese

or use take the foil off
their bloody Chardonnay?!

Oh, hi, Mum.

Yeah, having a lovely time, thanks.

Well, the weather's not great

and Tim's car broke down.

Oh yeah, and the car's been
surrounded by loads of nutters.

It's not too bad, they've gone
for a light-hearted theme.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, I lost signal.

What?

Have you had that all this time?

Oh, I see! Sorry.

I suppose it is a sort of gadget,
isn't it?

I'll turn it off.

It's no good, the reception's gone.

Someone's going to have to get out
of the car, try to get a signal,

then phone the police.

I'll go. No, you can't go.

If anything happened,
I'd never forgive myself.

Especially after my outburst.
You mean the world to me.

Lee, you go.

Come on. You keep telling us
what a big man you are.

Now's your chance to prove it.

Unlock the door. It's time
for Batman to meet The Joker.

Oof!

Could you take off the child locks,
please, Timothy?

Tell the police to get here
as quick as they can.

Thanks for that, I was going to ask
them to take the scenic route!

Listen, If anything happens,
you know,

if they come back
and start attacking me,

do you promise
you'll get out of the car and...

Good luck!

Oi! I've just had this Turtle-Waxed!

Yes!

Hello?

You must be Daisy's Mum.

No, she's a bit busy at the moment.

All right, I'll let her know.

Yeah, she loves that one,
doesn't she?

Bye.

Daisy? Yeah?

Herbie Rides Again's on
at half ten tomorrow night on ITV4.

Oh, brilliant! Thank you!

Hello.

Lee, do something!

Lucy, there's something you
should know about me.

Something I've never told
anyone before.

What is it?

I never really grew up
on a council estate.

Argh!

Come on then, Ronald McDonald!

I'll have a Happy Meal with fries,
you great big ginger-haired freak!

Do you want some?!
I'll rip your bloody face off!

Is that another mask?

What the hell are you doing,
you lunatic?

What's going on?

Well, we were going to ask
you lot the same question.

What?

When are you lot
going to start dogging?

What do you mean, dogging?

It's when people watch other people
in cars... I know what it means!

I don't.

What with actual dogs?!

We saw the young lady
taking her stockings off in the car

and you have been parked here
all night

on a very well-known dogging site.

Well, for those in the know anyway.

Oh, yeah! Grinchly Woods.
That's why I've heard of it.

It was a documentary on TV.

Part of Channel 4's Dogging Night.

God, that was weird last night,
wasn't it?

Who would have thought
all those superheroes were doggers?

Yeah. Good job Catwoman wasn't
there. They'd have torn her apart.

Anyway, well done.
I thought you were very brave.

Well, just cos a man's in his 70s,
you don't let him intimidate you.

I take it back,
you are a sort of... man.

Now you sound like my dad. Why?

He used to say that to my mum.

Do you know, I could get quite
used to this camping malarkey.

Maybe we should make it
a regular thing.

Sure, as long as we can always
come to this camp site.

The facilities are great. Goodnight.

Goodnight.