All language subtitles for Not Going Out s05e01 Band.eng

What's that?
It's called a vegetable.

You should have some on top
of your Wagon Wheel next time. It'll help with your rickets.

You've made your schoolgirl
error there, haven't you?

Although generally accepted
nowadays as a vegetable, the cucumber is in fact, a fruit.

You didn't know I was the font of
all knowledge, did you? No, I had you down as a vegetable as well.

Why are you slicing them?
I thought you were having a bath. It's for my eyes.

Better with... Or without?
With... Or without?

Well, seeing as I'm looking
at you... With!

Is this all in preparation
for your big night out tonight?

I'm not going out. Yeah, you are,
you've got a ticket to a concert.

A ticket to what concert, Lee?

A ticket to a concert I never
told you about, tucked away at the bottom of my handbag?

That's a small venue. Who's on?
Prince? Sorry I went in your bag.

A fundraiser came to the door,
collecting for a diabetes charity.

It made me realise
I really wanted a Mars bar.

How did you know
I had a Mars bar in my bag?

You've always got
a Mars bar in your bag.

Next time, you should have it
with a bit of lettuce on top. It'll help with your hypocrisy.

Please don't root through my bag
again. You're not my husband, you're my lodger.

How would you like it
if I constantly rifled through your pockets?

If you must know,
the ticket was an unwanted gift.

From who? 'Whom', Lee.

What, that Korean
bloke down at the garage?

It was from Daisy. She's going to
some 'battle of the bands' night.

But I've decided I don't want to go.

If you're not using the ticket, I
might go. No, you can't. Why not?

Because last time you
went to a music gig,

they all had spiked Mohicans
and safety pins through their noses.

Yeah, well S Club 7 were better
before they went all commercial.

Come on, let me have your ticket.
No. All right, forget it then.

Look, I'm sorry.
It's just that I promised I wouldn't tell you about it.

Promised who? One of the singers.

If it's Gina G, that restraining
order expired years ago.

Look, it's Tim, all right?

Tim's joined a band and he
doesn't want you there because he thinks you'll take the Mickey.

Tim? In a band? Yes.
Your brother, Tim? Yes.

Tall fella, light hair? Is it that
hard to imagine Tim fronting a band?

If it's a marching band
and he's twirling a baton, no,

but a rock band?
So why aren't you going to watch?

I just think it might be
a bit embarrassing.

and you don't want to see that?

It's going to be brilliant!

Come on. You know you want to.

Fine, I'll go on my own.

It'll be easier to throw tomatoes at
him if you're not there to stop me.

Wow, you've just managed
to name three vegetables in the last five minutes.

Two more, it'll be the first
time in your life you've had your five a day.

Tomatoes are a fruit. Shut up!

Hard to imagine, isn't it?
Tim backstage at a rock gig.

I wonder where he is?

There we go. A bag of dolly mixtures
and Robinsons Fruit Shoot. I think we're getting close.

Listen, when we see him,
don't say anything to undermine his confidence.

Lucy, give me some credit,
he's my best mate. I'll just offer words of encouragement.

Good God!
Ozzy Osbourne's been tangoed!

How did he find out about this?

It was on Radio One. They did a
big feature about you. Did they?

Very funny. I'm sorry, Tim. What
could I do? He found the ticket.

Like Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory! When do we get to meet Willy Wonka?

I dunno, but I think we've just
met a six foot Oompa-Loompa.

I accidentally laid out
in the garden a bit too long.

What, until someone thought you were
a bench and varnished you?

It's a spray tan for the act. Why?
Are you bringing back the Minstrels?

You've criticised my skin and
my dress sense. Anything else you'd like to take a pop at?

I'd go for the ear piercing. Sorry.
I see you've gone for the left ear. That's the gay one, isn't it?

It's not actually because I Googled
it. The right one's the gay ear.

How can you have a gay ear?

It's like having straight teeth.

Or bi-focals.

Very good.

Oh, yeah. Or a...

lesbian ankle.

Well, at least I'm not sticking to
the same look I've had since 1993.

You wouldn't know where
to go for a piercing.

Yeah, exactly. But we do.
Claire's Accessories.

Right dude, we're on next.
Stop chatting up the ladies.

Though I can see why you'd been
tempted. What's not to like?

Because it would be incest?

Well, wish me luck. Tim, are
you sure you want to do this?

Yeah, why don't you forget all about
it, go home and run yourself a nice hot bath of creosote remover.

Oh, you're really enjoying this,
aren't you?

Well, just you wait until
I'm out there on stage. You won't be enjoying it then.

Blimey, they're not a very
forgiving crowd, are they?

Forgiving? Jesus would find it
hard not to throw his sandals.

You don't deserve to live!

Well, someone's got to be
the Simon Cowell figure.

Boo! Boo!

Off! Off! Off!

- That was Yellow Snow.
- BOO!

Next up,
give it up for The Auditors.

Sorry, darling.
Didn't realise it was you.

He's not going to do banter
with the crowd, is he?

Please, no. I told him to say just
hello. Please just hello, Tim.

How do you do, London?

Oh, God.

Or perhaps I should say Blackpool.
Why Blackpool?

Because now's the time for us
to provide you with some rock!

I'm going to be sick.

I need to get out of here before
he says, "Here's a little ditty".

And here's a little ditty

that goes by the name
of Viva Las Vegas. Hit it!

This is great. Go, Tim!

Somewhere in a parallel universe,
Alice Cooper is advising someone on the tax advantages of a cash ISA.

Did you write this one, darling?

Dance!

What a winker...

Here he is, the champion!
Don't make me get security!

You were amazing, Tim.
You so deserved to win.

Oh well, it was only the heat.

Yeah, but we're in the final now.

And if we win that,
who knows what lies ahead.

Yeah, Tim, the future's bright,
the future's... Shut it!

You not going to
introduce your friends?

Oh no, it's fine,
we all know each other.

This is Lee, Daisy, and I believe
you two have already met.

Hope you didn't mind the kiss.
Why me? There were so many other people in there?

I only saw you. You might want
to get that checked out, it sounds like cataracts.

I'm Lucy, Tim's sister.
Hi Lucy, Tim's sister. I'm Stretch.

Stretch? Where were you conceived,
Parkhurst?

It's a childhood nickname, it stuck.

I like it, you know, the purity
of it. If people can sum you up in one word.

I've got one.

Lots of big musicians
only go by one name.

You know, Seal, Bono, Sting.

H from Steps. That's just one
letter, how cool is that?

Well, why not go further?
Prince changed his name to a symbol.

That's good, I like it.
Maybe I'll do that.

Yeah, like that bloke from
Guns 'n' Roses who changed it to a punctuation mark.

You know, Slash.

Maybe you could change yours
to Apostrophe.

Or Comma. You certainly
made me pause for breath.

Or Colon.

Tim tells me you're the brains
behind the whole operation.

Yeah, I suppose you could see me
as the Lennon of the band.

He doesn't mean the Russian leader.
Otherwise he'd have said Marx.

You know, stretch marks.

If I'm John Lennon, that makes you
the poppy one, Tim, McCartney.

So if we're John and Paul, Daisy
must be... Oh, I know. Roger.

What? Sorry, are we not doing
the twelve disciples?

The Beatles. And if I'm Paul
McCartney, that makes you my girlfriend, Jane Asher.

Yeah, or Heather Mills.

Or Jane Asher.
Or I could be Linda McCartney.

Jane Asher. Be Jane Asher.

See, I think I prefer...
You're Jane Asher!

We need to find a role for you.

If I'm John Lennon,
how about making you, Yoko?

Oh, good God.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Mark Chapman, pleased to meet you.

Well, I thought you were amazing.
And to think I nearly didn't come until Lee talked me into it.

It's true. She was going to spend
the evening in a bath with a cucumber.

Anyway, I'm going to have a quick
chat with George and Ringo.

I'll see you later, alligator.

In a while... dickhead.

I'm taking it you didn't
enjoy tonight then?

You were all right.
Everyone likes a novelty act.

Jedward, Mr Blobby,
Keith Harris and Orville.

Are you sure it's not just the
green-eyed monster talking, Lee?

That's what I always thought,
but actually Keith Harris does the talking.

The monster just moves its mouth.

? I could be so good for you ?

? Love you like you want me to ?

? I'd do anything for you
I'll be so good for you... ?

Piece of shit!

What are you doing? Just fancied
a jam. Thought I'd try out a few licks.

And what did you do after you'd
finished licking the jam?

Is that when the borrower came in
and lent you his violin?

It's all they had
in the Cancer Research shop.

You just bought that? Why?

Do you need a reason to save a life?

You'll have to make yourself
scarce tomorrow.

I told Stretch he can use this place
to rehearse with the band.

Why are you letting a loser
like that hang around the flat?

Force of habit?

You got back late last night.
I went back to Stretch's place.

Oh, yeah? There were a few
of us there, it wasn't just me.

What was it, a drugs orgy?

No. Stretch doesn't do drugs.
Says it restricts his flow.

I have the same problem
with scotch eggs.

So what did you do? Nothing much.

Stretch played us some songs
he'd written.

They were really good, actually.
Reminded me of Nick Drake.

Oh, get lost! He's a sad old waste
of space who still thinks he's 17.

If he's Nick Drake, I'm Donald Duck.

Well, if you insist on sitting round
with no trousers and making an incomprehensible racket...

And he's not a waste of space. He
also manages to work for a living.

Well, he's meant to be a sailor,
but you never see him on a ship. Not Donald Duck.

So if I sing a song or play
the guitar, it's annoying.

But if Stretch does it, it's cool.

Yes, because Stretch is a real
musician, in an actual band, who play proper gigs.

You're sat in your pants
with a Fisher Price toy playing the theme tune to Minder.

Stretch said he might write
a song for me, actually.

Oh, big deal. Anyone can think of
a few words that rhyme with 'Lucy'.

Go on then.

Moosey. Oh, beautiful.

Now I know how Robbie Williams'
mother felt when she first heard 'Angels'.

All right, not moosey. Juicy.
Oh Lucy, you are so juicy.

Please don't be choosey.

Why don't you seduce me
in your Jacuzzi.

Made by Zanussi.

Have you finished? Kriss Akabusi.

It's like being chatted up
by Dr Seuss. Dr Seussy.

Listen, I could join a band
as well if I wanted to.

Well, let me know when you're ready.
I'll help you strap the cymbals to your knees.

You? Join the band?

Yeah. Why not?

Because... Look at you.

Pardon?

Look, I'm sorry to have to tell
you this, but the fact is,

well, you're just not very cool.

That's like being told
I'm uncool by...

I genuinely can't think
of anyone worse.

Listen, I may not look as hip
as Bruno Brookes or Dave Lee Travis,

but I've got what it takes.

Come on, I've always
wanted to be in a band.

No. And anyway, it's not
my decision, Stretch is in charge.

And he's going to be back up here
in a minute, so just leave.

Come on, Tim. Imagine it,
me and you, best mates, living the rock 'n' roll lifestyle together.

We'll live fast
and be dead by 30.

All right, 40. 5.

All right, early 50s.
In fact, not dead at all.

We'll go on forever
just like Status Quo.

With two guitarists?
Exactly, just like Status Quo.

You've certainly changed your
tune. Exactly, just like... Actually forget that one.

Come on, Tim, I love your band.

It's just your guitar player
I don't like.

Admit it, this isn't about the band,
or about me,

once again it's about your obsession
with my sister.

Oh, change the record.

Record? Get with it, Grandad.

All right, shuffle your iPod Nanoo.

I'm not asking Stretch
if you can join the band, so will you please leave?

OK. Fine.

I just felt I was losing
my best mate a bit

and I suppose I was just trying
to find some way of clinging on.

But I'll leave you to have fun
with your new friends.

I've always dreamt
of being in a band.

And if I was in the band, I'd make
them play the songs you really love.

Put that down now,
it belongs to Stretch.

? Looking back I could have
played it differently. ?

I don't like this stuff
anymore, actually.

? Perfect situations can go wrong ?

I'm in a rock band now.
My Elaine Page days are over.

? But it has never yet prevented me ?

Thinking you can win me over
like a schoolgirl.

? Wanting far too much
for far too long

Pathetic!

? Wasn't it good ?

? Oh, so good ?

? Wasn't it fine ?

? Oh, so fine ?

? Isn't it madness ?

? He can't be mine ?

? But in the end
He needs a little bit more than me ?

? More security! ?

? He needs his fantasy and freedom ?

? I know him so... ?

? The ace of spades
The ace of spades ?

? The ace of spades
The ace of spades. ?

We don't need another band member.

I know. It's just that Lee and I
are best friends

and I think he's feeling
a bit left out.

A bit left out?

We're in band, not a sandpit.

I'm telling you,
he's holding you back. Lose him.

I can't do that. We're best friends.

Well, that's a shame.

The scrapheap of the music biz
is littered with the nice guys.

Joe Dolce...

Rick Astley...

Chesney Hawkes.

Exactly.

It is possible to be a nice guy
and still a credible artist.

Listen, Tim, it's the final of
Battle Of The Bands in a few days,

and I haven't got time
for hangers-on.

Lucy would be pleased.

She's trying to get him out
the house more.

Well, long enough to change
the locks anyway.

So, you play a bit, do you?

Yeah. Big guitar player, me.

More chords than Tim's wardrobe.

You been playing long?

Well, I grew up
in a musical environment.

Is that right? Yeah.

A big hill in Switzerland
surrounded by Nazis.

There was three of us,
Doe, Ray and me.

Thanks. Do you want to move in
permanently?

And what sort of music
are you into?

You know, the old stuff.

Dylan when he was still acoustic.

Michael Jackson
when he was still black.

Tim when he was still white.

Tim says there's something
you want to ask me.

Yeah.

Can I join the band?

That one wasn't a joke!

Tell you what,
maybe we could use you.

OK, you're in.

Brilliant!

I'll get us all a drink.

Who fancies a cup of tea?

I could use a stiff bourbon.

No problems.
I'll get the biscuit tin.

Roadie? Bloody roadie?

Nothing wrong
with being a roadie, mate.

Noel Gallagher started out
as a roadie.

Well, there you go. Look at him now.

Presenting Deal Or No Deal
six nights a week.

If my heart was a drummer,
I'd have to give it the sack.

Why? Cos every time it sees you,

it misses a beat.

I don't suppose it knows anything
by Massive Attack, does it?

? Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa. ?

? Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa. ?

So it's not just rock stars
you impersonate?

You can do Ronnie Barker
in Open All Hours as well, can you?

Big final tonight, rock star?

How's the roadying going, Lee?

I'm not just a roadie.
I'm more of a manager/producer.

Well, you'd better produce some tea
and biscuits, then.

Come on, Doris, chop chop.

Why don't you try doing
what Tim's doing?

What do you mean?

? Fa fa fa fa fa... ? Cough.

Look, if you don't want to be
involved in the band anymore,

there's the door.

I mean, I'll miss the custard creams
but I'm sure I'll have other things

to keep me occupied.

No, it's all right.

I'll stick around,
keep an eye on things.

How do you like your coffee?

I like my coffee
like I like my women.

Oh, please mess this up
and say extra large.

Hot, sweet and first thing
in the morning.

That's funny, cos I like my coffee
like I like my guitar players.

With boiling hot water poured on it.

I finished the song.

My song?

Yeah. I've called it "Lucy".

That's so sweet.

Elvis, take a pew.

There you go.

I can't sing this.

But you're the singer. Sing.

She's my sister.
Isn't that a bit...?

Sing.

? Oh, Lucy ?

? I want to take you on the blue sea ?

? I want you to draw me in. ?

I'm not entirely comfortable with...

Sing.

? I see you naked in the moonlight ?

? Let me touch your skin. ?

There's no way I'm doing
the next bit.

Chorus!

? Want to take you home ?

? Want to make you moan ?

? Let's go to bed and have some fun ?

? I'll bring the hotdog ?

? You bring the bun ?

? Oh, Lucy ?

? Let's make love tonight. ?

That was beautiful.

The Auditors. You're up next.

Crap. I've left my jacket in the van.

Doris, be a good girl. Go get it.

Yeah, and hurry up.

If we win this final tonight,
who knows what it'll lead to.

Carry on with that fake tan,
you might be up for a MOBO.

Are you the roadie
with The Auditors?

Yeah.

Well, tell Stretch I said it's over.

And tell him he can have
this eternity ring back.

And he can have
his flat keys back as well.

Please tell me you haven't got
any of his furniture.

No, but I've these he might want
back. I found them under his bed.

It's the lyrics to the song
he supposedly wrote for me.

I thought this song was called
Lucy and he was going to "take her on the blue sea."

Yeah, well, my name's Grace

and he was going to
"take me to another place."

Just like he was going to
"take Marie and set her free."

"Take June to the moon."
"Take Eva and never leave her."

And "take Miss Pippy
up the Mississippi."

Good job he never dated
Samantha Janus.

Hey, Doris. Where's my jacket?

If you want your jacket, you can get
some other idiot to fetch it.

All right.

Tim, get my jacket.

Hang on, Tim.

I know you all think the sun shines
out of this man's plectrum,

but I'm afraid to tell you

there's about half a dozen
other Lucys out there.

So then who the hell is this one?

And that song he wrote for you,
he wrote for loads of women.

Look, pussycat.
Please don't call me pussycat.

This... really...

sticks in the throat.

Probably fur balls.

What an arse.

Right, I'm out of here.

Hang on, the competition.
What's the point?

Something tells me I'm not getting
the prize I really came for.

He meant intercourse with...

We know what he meant.

Well, thank you very much.

Well, the words were right,
but can you try it without

the eye-popping,
orange-coloured sarcasm?

I've just rescued your sister
from a man who makes Warren Beatty look like Mother Teresa.

Actually now he's getting older, he
does look a bit like her, doesn't he?

Can't you go on stage without him?

How can we perform without
a lead guitarist?

Come on, let's go.

Hang on. You need a guitar player.

You're looking at one.

But you don't know any of our songs.

No. But I know a few other
good ones.

Wow. What a night.

I'm surprised you can remember
any of it, you were that concussed.

Well, it's a bit hazy,

but that's rock and roll for you.

The bright lights, the drugs.

That was the paramedics.

The women shouting,
throwing underwear at me.

That was me trying to get you
dressed again in A and E.

Shame we didn't win.

Well, it wasn't just the injury. I
don't think the crowd were that keen

on the Elaine Page
and Barbara Dickson number either.

Yeah, looking back I should have
played it differently.

Sorry it didn't work out
between you and Stretch.

Don't worry.

A relationship can't end
if it hasn't even begun.

Yeah, but you were
thinking about it.

All right, I admit I was slightly
dazzled by his rock star image.

And what about when I was up there?

Was I sex, drugs and rock and roll?

A bit more like rumpy pumpy,
Calpol and Shakin' Stevens.

Anyway, my guitar-playing days
are behind me.

I've decided to settle
on a far more tranquil instrument.

Very funny.

You're joking right?

Please tell me you're joking.

He's joking.

Oh, God.