All language subtitles for Not Going Out s03e01 Pregnant.eng

What's up with you? You look
like a Borrower eating a Bourbon.

Come on, tell me.

It's nothing, you'll call me stupid.

Did I call you stupid when you lost
all that money to me at poker?

No, you said, "Don't give up,
have another Tequila.

"And let's pretend
that clothes are money."

Come on, Lucy, what is it?

I think I'm pregnant.

How?

Forget what your mum
told you - she was lying.

It's nothing to do with
cabbage leaves or storks.

It was a penis.

♪ Yeah, not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
With my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
To scream and shout

♪ Yeah

♪ Not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Sorry!

Look, this is really weird,
I don't know how it happened.

I haven't - you know - for ages.

Are you sure? Sorry? I mean, maybe
you've been in a situation where you

think you've done nothing but you've
been a bit drunk and you know...

I don't drink to the extent
where I can't remember having sex.

I'm not...you.

Well, maybe someone, you know...

It happens. You're in a pub,
without your knowledge something is slipped in your...

I mean drugs. Oh.

No, of course not.

So how do you know you're pregnant?

A woman knows.

Which woman?

Me.

My breasts are much larger than
usual and they're very tender.

What else?

I'm late.
Oh, go on, another five minutes.

My period is two weeks late.
Ooh, that's the end of that game.

I'm going to see
the doctor next week.

You haven't even seen one yet?

So why are we fretting that
there's an immaculate muffin in the bread bin, Mary?

I'm pregnant, I know it.

Yeah. Course you are.

I'll see you in the maternity wing
in nine months.

Don't worry about directions,
I'll follow the star.

Tim, stop worrying.

It's probably just one of
those phantom pregnancies.

Listen, trust me.
My sister's always right.

About everything. If you don't
believe me, ask Mum and Dad.

They'd believe her
if she said I was pregnant.

So would I.

There's not more
to this story, is there, something you're not telling me?

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm gonna ask you something
and I'll know if you're not telling the truth.

How? Cos I'm very good
at reading body language.

If you're that good why haven't
you stopped talking, got your coat and buggered off home?

I'm not joking.All right.

Ask me what me mum's maiden name is.

What's your mum's maiden
name?Peterson.

You're telling the truth.No, I'm not, I'm lying.

Look, have you slept with her or
Yeah, but don't tell my dad.

Lucy! Of course I haven't.

Well, you're the only bloke she's
I'm her lodger.

I know, it's just you hear
about these urban myths, maybe they're true.

You know, about girls getting
pregnant in weird ways.

Like from being in a Jacuzzi.

God, you can tell you went
to a posh all-boys school.

You must have heard this.
A man goes into a Jacuzzi or a swimming pool and...

..entertains himself without
the company of a woman.

You're a real man's man, aren't you?

The man gets out, a woman gets in...

Yeah, all right I get the idea.

You and Lucy don't share
bath water, do you?

Yeah, and on Sundays we do the
spuds in there, too. Course not.

Can't really get pregnant
like that, can you?

Well, it doesn't matter because
you don't share bath water, do you?

Do you?

Look, a few weeks ago...I don't believe this.

You don't need to panic.

It's not you picturing
a snotty three-year-old with Lucy's eyes and your face.

Better than a snotty
three-year-old with Lucy's breasts and my testicles.

This isn't funny. Go on.

A few weeks ago, I went into
the bathroom to have a shower.

Agh! Agh!

Have you heard of knocking?
Have you heard of locking?

Have you heard of eviction?
That doesn't rhyme.

Just get out!

I didn't see anything!

All right, I saw the headlightsPardon?

Sorry, I ran over a rabbit last
week, I can't get it out my head.

That stupid bathroom lock you bought
doesn't work.

You're just not using it properly.

DOOR LOCK:
Yo, get out of here.

What's all this?

It's called a bath.

Here in the south we have a
different place for storing coal.

What's with all the candles?
Didn't know it was your birthday.

Oh, no, there's only 37.

What do you want, Lee?
I need a shower. Oh, I didn't know it was your birthday.

You'll have to wait. I can't. I'm

He'll get all teary and startWell, be quick.

I've finished my poo-poo.

Hey, scram - I'm on the can!

"Add a little of this Tuscan
fig oil to your bath water

"and you too can feel
like a sun-drenched Mediterranean princess."

What kind of idiot
falls for this rubbish?

Oh, that's nice.

Ah, tell you what,
if I had some Jaffa cakes now, life would be perfect.

Well, carry on.

What?You know damn well what. Did you?

Course I didn't.
Lee, this is important.You cannot get pregnant like that.

Well, it doesn't matter, does it,
because you didn't do anything.

Tell me the truth now.

Actually it is Peterson.

Oh, God! You got
my little sister pregnant.

I was gonna run her a fresh bath,
but I fell asleep,

I always do after...I don't want the details!

The next thing I know I woke
up in a panic, cos she was

banging on the door saying she was
gonna be late, so I just got out.

I'm sorry, Tim,
but I was thinking of her.

I don't mean... I'm gonna have
to tell her what's happened.

Don't. I'll deal with it.

All right, but you better had.

You can't tell her. I don't know
what she'd be most angry about,

the fact that I may have
accidentally got her pregnant or the fact that I told you first.

It's the first one, isn't it?

You're late. I do clean
other people's houses, you know.

Must be a nice change for you
coming here then.

Who rattled your cage?

Who opened yours?

Oh, I see, still thinking
about Lucy being pregnant.

We don't know that she's pregnant.

Women know. So I keep hearing.
How do they know?

It's a feeling you get,
you feel irritable.

I feel irritable now
but I'm not pregnant.

Yeah, but your man boobs
aren't all tender, are they?

They're not man boobs. That's true,
they're more like women's boobs.

Maybe you're right. How can
she be pregnant if she's claiming she hasn't had sex in ages?

Exactly. Funny, isn't it,
this reproductive thing?

Actually I saw an interesting
programme on the telly last night.

Apparently there's a type of insect
called the water-spawning dragonfly which mate in the most amazing way.

The male lands on the water
and deposits his seed,

then the lady spawning dragonfly
sort of swims round where the male was

and lo and behold
she becomes pregnant, wow!

Can you imagine...if a human being
could get pregnant like that?

No way, that would be impossible,
wouldn't it?

Have you been wanking in the bath?

What?Is that what you're asking me?

No.

Yes.

I was gonna run her a fresh bath
but I fell asleep!

What?

I wish people would stop acting like
I've been strangling kittens or...

Choking chickens.

We all do it, even you.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, come off it, Barbara,
look me in the eyes and tell me... In fact don't, I'll be sick.

Well? What?

Is it possible for a woman
to get pregnant like that?

Course not. You sure?

Yes, it's impossible.

I knew it.

Well, virtually impossible.

What do you mean "virtually"?
That doesn't help.

That's like finding out your
girlfriend's virtually legal.

All I'm saying is, it's possible
for sperm to survive outside the body in certain temperatures.

What temperatures?Like when it's frozen.

Well, the bath water
wasn't frozen, was it?

Obviously not, or you wouldn't beYeah, all right!

Is it possible or not?

Excuse me, I am not a scientist.
I am a cleaner. I don't know if you've noticed.

Not really, no.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do?

Look, you don't even know
if she's pregnant yet. Wait till she's seen the doctor.

This is like when I was waiting
for my university results.

All right, polytechnic.

All right, catering college.

Yeah? What did you learn there?
How to put buns in ovens?

Look, she can find out quicker,
you know.

How? Get a pregnancy kit.

Ha! I think it's clear
I've already got one of those.

What's that? I got you a present.

What lovely wrapping paper.

Ah, look, you've even written
a message. "Every little helps."

A pregnancy test? Yeah.What are you doing?

It's my body, Lee, don't you think
that maybe this is something I should have got for myself?

Would it help
if you gave me the money?

Anyway I don't need to do a test.

I've come round to your way
of thinking - it's impossible for me to be pregnant.

Well, you might be.
Why don't you just do it? Put both our minds at rest.

Why are you suddenly so concerned?

Well, it affects me, doesn't it?

Does it? Of course it does.

And I don't really want to be
lumbered with a baby when you move out.

Go on, just for a bit of fun,
go in the toilet, wee on the stick.

SHE SCREAMS

Agh!

Oh, God, now the bunny!

You know this stupid gangster lock?

Well, I'm gonna make you an offer
you can't refuse. What?

You have one week to change it
or I'm going to shove it up your... Yeah, all right.

Well?You have to wait a few minutes.

Is this why they call it
a pregnant pause?

So, er, what will happen, you know,

if you are pregnant?

I'm not. I know, but what if you are?

I can't be. Just humour me.

All right, you're a lovely bloke
and you go a long way, how's that?

Well, after I got over the
"How the hell did this happen?" bit,

I guess I'd have to sit down
and make some decisions.

What kind of decisions?

Well, to start, the career would
have to be put on hold for a while. That's not too bad, is it?

I mean my career has been
on hold since I was three.

Were you getting a bit big
for the chimneys?

And then there's the birth itself to
think about, that would terrify me.

I'm sure it's not as bad
as women go on about.

I mean women say, people say,
stupid people.

Apparently it's as painful
as a whole baking potato coming out of your penis.

Ooh, must remember to start chewing.

And then of course there's my dad.

Blimey, how did he get in there?

I dread to think what he'd say.

And then there's this place
to consider.

Like you say, it's not really
big enough for me, you and a baby, is it?

Well, it must be ready now. Go on.

Lucy, just before you do look at it.

You do know, don't you,
that whatever happens, I'll stand by you?

As a friend.

Oh, my God. I'm pregnant.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, hello.

How long have you
been my sister, Lucy?

Oh, let me think. I'm 29 now,
when did I have that sex change?

Was it before or after yours?
And how long have you known Lee?

I'm sorry, have you been
in a car crash or something?

All right, I won't mince words.
I think when it comes to being, you know...

that there are certain people not a
million miles from here who should be told before certain other people,

because they're not even
blood relatives, whereas certain people are.

Well, it's true you didn't mince your
words, you sort of liquefied them.

I presume you've been speaking
to Lee. This is Mr Snuggles

Oh, not again, Tim. I was nine.

Finding my hamster dead and telling
Alison Gately before me - what kind of nine-year-old girl does that?

I don't know, what kind of
18-year-old boy buys himself a hamster and calls him Mr Snuggles?!

Of course Mum and Dad
will need to be told.

Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?
What's that supposed to mean?

All your life you've winged
about being the underdog.

Finally you've got the chance
to be the blue-eyed boy.

I haven't winged about anything.
"Carry me, not Lucy!" So?

I was seven
and I'd been hit by a car.

Your car.

Well, if you're not gonna say
anything, maybe I should tell them about your...little package.

Tim, the word is pregnant.
Don't start swearing at me.

It's my responsibility
to tell them, not yours!

You need to start growing up,
young lady, and acting your age.

Spending less time with
boys doing...humpty-pumpty!

Oh, look who it is, Bath Time
Billy and the Flannelettes.

Shut up. Don't worry, I haven't told
her about you doing the unnecessary.

It is totally necessary,
in fact it's almost compulsory -

you don't know how lucky
you are being a woman.

Have you any idea
what I'm going through?

What you're going through? Tim,
I'm gonna be a father, I'm only 39!

You're from up north, you should
be a grandfather by now!

There's still things I want to do.Like what?

I don't know, scuba diving.Well, don't worry, you'll be

He's clearly a good swimmer.

You need to tell her the truth -
and soon. There's things that need to be discussed.

I know, like me finding another
place to live, it's been mentioned.

Yes, and there'll have to be
a conversation about money.

Don't worry about that, I don't
want any handouts. Not for you!

From you, for the baby! And it
won't be cheap, you'll be looking at about £1,000 pounds a month.

What, is she having quads? If you're
the father, probably a litter!

It must be a mistake.

I'm allergic to some things - maybe
I had something that contains nuts. I think that's a certainty.

Maybe there's something wrong
with the test, maybe it's been contaminated.

What with? Pregnant women wee?

Well, there must be some explanation.
I can't be pregnant.

I'm going for a bath.
Oh, God, twins.

Is this like the sixth sense?
Am I the only one that can see you?

Can I ask you something? Where do
you want to be in a year from now?

I don't know. Over there.

Don't you mean, over there,
in Lucy's bedroom?

Think about it.

Before all this you were over
there, and now you're here, which is nearer to there.

Can I ask you a question?
Do you like role play?

Beg your pardon? Maybe
to spice up your work life you could pretend to be a cleaner.

Meanwhile I'm gonna go over there,
because it's the furthest point from being here.

Fine.

If you don't want to be with Lucy,
what do I care?

Go on. Last week, if I'd
offered you the opportunity for you and Lucy to be settled down

in a cosy relationship with a baby,
you would have bitten my hand off.

May as well bite them both off,
you don't use them.

Well, you've certainly been
using yours, haven't you? Yeah,

Anyway, there's gonna be
no cosy relationship. I'm getting chucked out.

A baby doesn't need
its own room for ages.

And by then she'll see how great
you are, reading little munchkin bedtime stories,

taking it to the park, she'll
think you're the bee's knees.

And when she does, you'll go all
the way from over there...to there.

Now do you get it?

Oh...Oh, you'll make a great father.

How do you know?

I've got a sixth sense,
I see dad people.

You're quiet.

I was just... No, don't spoil it.

I was just thinking
about what you said earlier, about my responsibilities.

I've decided I'm gonna help raise
this baby, like a proper father.

A proper father?

We're not the first people to have
a baby outside wedlock, you know.

Wedlock?
You're not even in sex-lock.

It's one thing
for a child to be born

outside of marriage, it's another
for it to be born outside of nature.

Tim, it'll be fine. Yeah,
until the baby starts calling its plastic duck Daddy.

Drink up, we've got shopping to do.

MUSIC:
"Baby Love" by the Supremes

I'm sorry, Mum, but Tim shouldn't
have told you, should he?

Don't talk to me about
contraception, it's so embarrassing.

They're not called sheaths any more!

Mum, there's something
I need to explain to you. KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, I'll have to phone you back.
There's someone at the door. Bye.

I've just been on the phone to Mum.

Oh. Is that it, just, "Oh"?

No. Oh...dear.

How dare you tell Mum and Dad when
I specifically asked you not to?!

They had to be told.
This isn't just about you, Lucy - a bastard child effects all of us.

You had no right to tell them.

And you had no right to tell
Lee before me that you had a fruit bun in the Aga!

Blimey, even for me
that was middle class.

Well, is it any surprise
that I tell Lee first?

Lee doesn't phone up Mum
just to score brownie points.

Lee doesn't go round acting
like a competitive teenager.

Lee doesn't act like a small
child who'd do anything to get constant attention!

This stuff kills when babies do it.

What are you doing?

Been shopping. Like that?

You'll do anything to get in those
disabled parking spaces, won't you?

I just thought it was about time
we all started accepting the situation.

I thought maybe you could...

let me stay around and...

help raise this baby.

I've told you, there isn't gonna be
enough room for three of us.

Well, maybe he can have my room.

And where are you gonna sleep?

TOY GROWLS

In the cat basket?

Right, that's it,
this is getting ridiculous.

She needs to hear the truth
about how she got pregnant now. It's either you or me.

Well, I can say it was you.

Lucy... Yeah?

Can you sit down? There's
something I need to tell you.

What?

It's a sort of...confession.

Well, go on.

It's difficult. Just say it.Huh!

That old chestnut,
look what happened to Spartacus.

His last words were,
"Why didn't I just say Dave?"

What is it? You're gonna laugh

so you might think you're crying.
But you're not, you're laughing.

So just remember that.

You know a few weeks ago,
when I went into the bathroom...

Yeah. And I said
I was gonna have a shower...

Well, I didn't.Oh, well, don't worry.

You probably just lost your bottle
at the last minute.

We'll try again next month.

The thing is, I jumped in theOh, great!

Believe me, by the end of the story,
that bit will seem like a Hans Christian Andersen fairytale.

Well, I hope it's got a happy ending.
You could say that.

The thing is...

I did something in the bath.

What?

You know. No?

Well, sometimes you just
need to relax, don't you? Huh!

Did you drink my wine?
Please don't make me say this.

Look, you know when you're in theYeah.

Well, I had a bit
of double-you time.

What?

I had a Sherman.

What's a Sherman?

A Sherman Tank...

..in the bath.

You were in the bath
with our cleaner?

Sherman Tank -
it's Cockney rhyming slang.

Oh, my God!

In my bath water?!

I was gonna run you a fresh one
but I feel asleep!

It's that relaxing Tuscan fig oil!

It's the Mediterranean
equivalent of Rohypnol!

Anyway, why are you
telling me this now?

Because, you know...

Oh, my God!

You mean your...inside my...

Well, look on the bright side, atGet out!

What? Go on, I mean it, I don't
want you living here any more.

But what about...? We'll be fine,
we don't need any help. Just...leave.

What are you waiting for?

I'm certainly not shaking your hand.

OK.

Bye.

Just one thing before you go.

April fool!

You can't get pregnant
like that, you idiot.

But... I'm not pregnant.

I made the whole thing up
right from the start.

What you talking about, Lucy?

I presume your name really is Lucy?

I wanted to teach you a lesson.
What for?

For poisoning my beautiful,
innocent, sweet-smelling bath water

with your horrible, mucky
man-porridge.

How did you know?

I told you that bathroom
lock wasn't working, didn't I?

Well, he's certainly
giving that a good clean.

So was Tim in on all this?

No, he wasn't. He came round with
such an attitude I decided to test out his moral fibre.

I wanted to see if he'd
do the correct thing and not tell Mum and Dad.

Oh, great. So I confess
to me best mate about having a Shawshank Redemption for nothing!

Oh, God and I told Barbara! Is there
anyone else we need to inform?

Well, you don't need
to tell Mum and Dad. Why?

Because I already told them.

I had no choice. Tim told them I
was pregnant, what else could I do?

You could have...adopted a baby!

Well, let's not leave anyone out.

Why don't we just
tell the whole world?

Hey, guess what I did in the bath?!

You already told me,
you had a massive...

So would you like to
have a baby one day?

Maybe. If I meet the right woman.

I'm sure it will be
a beautiful moment.

I want to have a baby with you, Lee.

Leave the plug in.

I can't believe you thought it was
possible to get pregnant like that.

Yeah, all right, Tim thought
it was possible, too.

I know, I don't know what's worse,
catching you doing that in the bath

or finding out
my brother's sexually retarded.

Definitely the second one.

In fact it's probably enough to
make you forget about the first one.

It's not, is it?

Anyway, I can't stop and chat.

I've got a new bathroom lock to fit.

One that works, I hope.

Oh, don't worry,
I think it's safe to say I've finally learnt me lesson.

Hey, put your hands
where I can see 'em.

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