Original subtitles

[sultry jazz music]

(woman) Did you ever do something completely unexpected?

Find yourself somewhere you never imagined you'd be

with someone you had only dreamed about dreaming about?

That's Sass,

my sweet, vanilla, creamy...

delicious.

Well, grace can be overrated.

When you fall in love,

you possess an inexplicable optimism,

a sense that anything is possible,

that you can do anything,

that you will do anything.

That's when the trouble starts.

See the one with the pretense of absolute self-confidence?

That's me.

I'm Lou.

[whimsical samba music]

This is a cautionary tale.

The plan had been to tell her before we got to San Francisco.

See, we were actually just best friends,

and Sass had only recently turned in

her fag hag get-in-free card

and come out of the closet.

l should have known she'd be making up for lost time, right?

l know.

lt looks like smooth sailing ahead.

splat!

But you know how it is.

l made things a little tougher than they needed to be,

which is to say I can definitely tell you what not to do.

First of all, don't let her get away

before you tell her you've fallen for her.

[door creaks]

[wind chimes tinkle]

Mom!

Honey!

Oh, you totally scored on finding this place.

Oh, my babylette.

[both sigh]

Look at you.

You look beautiful.

Now, Sandra, do you ever put a brush through your hair?

Mom, I'm Sassafras now.

Yeah, she's way too wild to be Sandra.

[laughs politely]

(Lou) That's Emilia, Sass' mom.

And it all began to make sense.

[laughs]

"Do you feel qualified to handle gourmet--"

(Lou) So much for our college education.

We were lucky to secure employment in a grocery store.

Gourmet sandwich making can be art.

And while there isn't anything too exciting

about stocking produce,

l got to say, l didn't mind the management.

[record scratching]

Chelsea Chuwawa.

Wow.

Store manager by day--

whap!

Dominatrix by night.

Sandy, baby!

(Lou) This would be Kaz--

sweet, flowery, flaming Kaz.

Well, we're both here to take the city by storm

with our kick-ass performance art.

(Lou) Oh, I almost forgot to mention,

she's a performance artist, naturally.

[applause]

I've been waiting eons for little Miss lnspiration here

to graduate and get her ass out here.

And this handsome speciwoman is?

This is my friend, Lou.

Oh, right.

Your friend.

(Lou) Okay, the most basic rule:

don't lie to yourself.

She's your friend, not your lover.

And whatever you do, do not move in together.

[upbeat samba music]

[Lou imitating motor]

Whoo!

[laughs]

[imitating motor]

[screeching]

[laughter]

Oh,

l am terribly sorry.

We were just exploring her inner child.

I'm Leslie.

This is Val.

We're actually your neighbors.

Guess who?

(Lou ) A seal named Charlie?

[giggling] Nope.

Guess again.

A dolphin named Fred?

Nope.

Guess again.

Duh.

A little princess named Sassafras?

Yes.

[cheerful domestic music]

(Lou) Val and Leslie:

these could be my parents--

harmonious, organized,

and trapped in rigid roles I was desperately trying to avoid.

( Sass ) Oh, Kaz.

(Kaz) I'm up here.

So, Kaz, big date tonight?

Of course.

Are we ever going to meet this mystery man?

Mmm, perhaps.

l remember the first time Kaz tried on a dress.

lt was one of mine.

Spring Fling my freshman year.

That was before she became a militant dress hater.

( Sass ) Dresses are a form of bondage

in a male-dominated society.

lt's your size.

Haven't we evolved out of these--

Costumes.

Oppressive uniforms.

You know you want it.

She's a closet lipstick lesbian.

lt's all just drag.

You know, boy drag.

Girl drag.

Businessman drag.

There is a performance in there somewhere.

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

[Lou's distant voice]

That's my baby.

That's my little

make-believe artist.

Mom, do not start on the embarrassing stories.

After the divorce,

l was very proud of encouraging

her imagination.

l figure,

you got to learn how to be innovative

in order to face an empty canvas, the new--

Day.

[laughs]

Nothing like a little poverty

to teach you how to get creative with your life.

Very resourceful.

lf I can make something beautiful

for myself or my daughter, for anyone,

it's kind of a way of protecting myself

against the ugliness of the world.

How did you get such a cool mom?

Her father spoiled her rotten

on the weekends.

Did he?

lt was Dad's way of squeezing in lots of love in a little time.

So why'd you split?

Why did I split?

Oh, yeah.

Feminism.

Free love.

[laughs]

[television drones in distance]

You're so neat and organized.

I'm boring.

No, I mean, you truly embrace your femininity.

l guess.

( Sass ) l have decided

that is an inspiring thing.

Really?

Hey, Val?

Are you sure you don't want to go out with us tonight?

[television volume increases]

[man on television] Comes along, they hunt each other.

[rock music plays]

(Nodiah Bent) # Hey, hey. #

# Hey, hey. #

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #

# Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba. #

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh. #

# Hoo. #

# Hey, hey. #

# Hey, hey. #

# Hey-y-y-y. #

# Why should I #

# ever go out with you #

# again? #

# You're not even qualif-- #

(Lou) Micky Penny--

one slimy, pipsqueak rat.

You'll see.

(Bent) # Qualified to be a friend of mine. #

# My pussy is a fucking shrine. #

Have you always been the marrying type?

Always been that way.

Born and bred to catch my man.

Of course, Val isn't exactly a man,

but the formula still applies.

lt's all one big candy store to me.

Sometimes l crave ice cream.

Other days, cats.

Or even jawbreakers.

[engine rumbles]

Yeah, well, it's not like

you're tattooing your soul or something.

Hey, Allison, quit it with the pinching.

l can't help it.

lt's soothing.

What's the matter?

Boss Daddy's not taking you far enough?

[laughter]

clunk!

[laughs]

Need to borrow some detergent?

[laughs]

Did you ever consider

nonmonogamy?

For me,

it's all a matter of bubble gum ice cream.

l only like one flavor on my cone.

And when the ice cream is gone,

you still got gum to chew.

And gum lasts forever,

even if you swallow it by accident.

Yeah, but how do you ignore the whole candy store?

Oh, a natural aversion to decision making.

Guess I just must be a radical girl.

Radical?

Try committing yourself to one person

for the rest of your life.

lf that's not extreme, l don't know what is.

[languid rock music]

(woman #1 ) # She saw you leaving, #

# which never occurred. #

# But you saw it so clearly-- #

[woman #2 growls]

(woman #1 ) # As you quest for sanity, #

# she savors your pain with love. #

# Queenie's sadistic brain. #

(woman #3) Am I your primary, your secondary,

or just another spoke in your wheel?

We're in the center of the wheel together.

Well, how about l make a list of people

you can and can't sleep with?

What if I meet someone who's not on the list?

l has to be someone we know.

I'm not attracted to anyone we know.

(Lou ) lt's not that

l didn't like PO academic lesbians.

l mean, they're intellectually really sexy.

But...

[laughs]

Variety should not be a luxury

of 42 Olympus Street.

[laughter]

Remember how, like, in high school

we were living in this big sea of hormones?

(Lou ) Yeah.

l think I'm back in high school.

Dykes don't get to have high school.

(Lou) Chelsea.

Enjoy it.

(Lou) She's the mommy of the scene,

hostess to SM play parties.

Like Donna Reed...

and I'm not talking cocktail weenies.

[laughs]

So who needs some big dykes?

Produce boy and sandwich girl.

Hi.

I'm Sassafras.

Or Sassy.

And this is my friend, Lou.

Hi.

New in town?

Down, Bridget.

Produce boy, meet Ginny.

( Ginny ) Hi.

[cash register dings]

Hey, Sassafras, what do you think about playing out roles,

like those women?

[laughs]

l think that is a great idea.

That's got some serious performance potential.

This is what we can do our whole piece on.

Well, actually, l was thinking--

[laughs]

That's very good.

Thank you.

[laughter]

Lesbian.

Butch.

Femme.

Relationships...

create a new paradigm...

for discussing gender...

in a culture of polarized roles.

(Lou ) Can l--

can I interrupt?

What?

l want you to be my lover.

What?

Lou.

[laughs]

We're rehearsing.

Right.

[jazz music]

[distant seagulls cry]

[surf pounding]

You're my best friend.

l don't want to mess that up.

l know I'm not the only one who feels this.

Well, we can do

the whole role-playing thing, and--but l--

No, I want it all.

You could be my queen.

l would worship you.

[laughs]

l wouldn't know what to do.

l could be your bratty boy,

and you could discipline me.

smack!

Lou.

Would you listen to yourself?

Think of it as research

for our performance.

Like an experiment?

Our friendship makes it safe.

But we're in San Francisco.

Oh, who said anything about monogamy?

[laughs] Don't--

don't, Lou.

Stop.

[laughs]

That's wet.

l don't like that.

[girl speaking in distance]

What if l-- if I wanted to be little?

You know, like a prin--

[laughs]

Shh.

Princess Sassafras.

Yes.

[laughs]

That's so awful.

l don't want to want that, but I do.

l will be your Daddy Lou.

[soft jazz music]

(woman) # Yesterday, my love, #

# I first saw you. #

# Open up your door tonight, my love. #

# Just don't say adieu. #

# I'm forever near, forever near. #

# I want to be where you are #

# every day and every night, #

# for you, for you. #

# Oh, and when you hold me tight, #

# it's nice. #

# So nice. #

# lt feels, it feels, it feels, #

# it feels like we could be together forever. #

# Forever. #

# For eternity. #

# You'll return to me. #

# Open up your arms. #

# Catch me falling. #

# Embrace is what l need to be. #

# Hold me. #

# Want me. #

# Need me. #

# Touch me. #

# Possess me. #

# Oh, I will enjoy you. #

# I'm right here with you, #

# our hearts no longer two. #

# Oh, take me. #

# Don't break me. #

# Be happy. #

# All right by my side. #

# Hold me. #

# Touch me. #

# I'm in love with you. #

# Hey. #

# Just hold me. #

[moans]

[upbeat instrumental music]

(Lou) My sweet, vanilla, creamy,

chewy, jellybeany, absolutely dreamy girl.

Your Juicy Fruity lips.

Good & Plenty.

A cherry bomb in every bite.

Rich and lovely chocolate kisses delight.

"Mmm" and "mmm."

Melts in my mouth and in my hands.

l want to Nestle into your Mounds

and revel in your Snickers.

l want to Godiva into your Bit-O-Honey.

Almond and Joy you.

Kissing up your Peppermint Pattie,

l am your sugar daddy.

All saltwater taffy, my SweeTart Sassy.

Hook, line, and sucker.

[street noise]

[bus rumbling]

[panting]

Hey!

Shit.

There'll be another in about ten minutes.

Oh, hi.

Hey, aren't you that detergent sergeant?

Sandy Patters-- uh, Sassafras or Sassy.

Micky Penny.

You want some cinnamon gum?

lt is so good, it almost hurts.

[sighs]

That must have been a bad accident.

Oh, no.

Right before my best friend left town, she cut me.

Were you scared?

Not of her.

lt's just a permanent way for me to remember her.

Sounds like some pagan ritual.

[laughs flirtatiously]

You want to join my coven?

[laughs]

Okay, let's say we did this.

You did say we were nonmonogamous.

How will it work?

We'd have lovers with different roles.

You can't have two daddies.

Mm-mm.

We'll make her my slave.

And you will always be my captain.

l control how much you saw her?

You could tell us what to do.

Oh, you think I want to see Miss Algae sliming you?

Then we won't show you anything.

l don't want you keeping secrets.

l need some sort of autonomy.

[sighs]

(Lou) Okay, three.

You can have three secrets.

(Sass) Three ever?

(Lou) Three at any given time.

Well, what if something comes up,

something that's going to upset you?

Well, if it would upset me, l want to know about it.

Like some sort of in-joke or something?

l see.

Um, you could exchange an old secret for a new one.

Like trade it in?

l mean, you want to know

how many secrets I have at any given time?

You mean if it's less than three?

Yeah.

Uh, no.

l don't want to know about it.

Fine.

You won't.

Well, if something comes up,

some cutesy thing about your relationship,

like a pet name or a little joke

about some incident that happened between you,

that I just don't want to know about.

And knowing this,

you wisely decide to keep it from me

as a favor to protect me from unnecessary harm.

Now, should something like this develop

when you already bear the burden of three secrets,

then you must trade one of the older ones in

in order to keep the new one.

That way, l will know

that you are hiding something from me

that I don't want to know.

[laughs]

Obviously,

the secret that you tell me--

let us call this "secret number one,"

because it should be the earliest one on the list--

this secret may not be one l want hear either.

But at least it will be older

and may be less important by that time.

ls this clear?

Well, what kind of secrets

do you definitely want to know about?

Mutiny.

But nothing petty or cute?

Nothing petty or cute.

That is correct.

[sighs]

l would never go against my captain.

Mutiny is a felonious crime.

And no little girl who knows what's good for her

would ever think of it.

l need insurance that you aren't going off into the sunset

with this new pipsqueak.

Do you swear upon your tiara and everything you hold sacred

that you will not disobey my orders?

l vow not to mutine against Your Captainship.

You are my jeweled treasure of the deep.

[seagull cries]

Thank you so much, Daddy Lou,

for letting me have my little friend.

[laughs]

[sighs]

You do want to be with me, don't you?

l really do, Lou.

You just have to trust me.

Because if I'm your--

[laughs]

whatever they call that-- your primary lover,

then it'll all be worth it.

You are.

(Lou) Every experiment has rules, right?

Different lovers with different roles.

l couldn't have two little girls.

She couldn't have two daddies.

l had Sass, and that was all that mattered.

[cash register dings]

[record scratching]

[hip-hop music]

Where's your wife?

My what?

I'm the kind of girl

who cries when I watch fake wrestling on TV.

[laughs]

You're missing out on some endorphins, girl.

l want you to say no to me sometimes.

l don't want to make you unhappy.

Well, how do I know you mean yes if you can't say no?

[together] Two coffees, please.

You know, that chick you're always hanging out with.

Oh, Sassafras.

No, we're just--

Monogamous?

How cute.

Even little baby dykes are nonmonogamous these days.

l-l-l don't even think l could hit anyone.

Sure you could.

You think I'm a baby dyke?

Or are you a serial monogamist lesbian?

Nobody bugged me about masochism

when I was running track and fucking up my knees for life.

That's sports.

Ballerinas with bloody, mangled toes.

That's not masochism.

That's art.

l guess I'm just kind of into the whole role-playing thing.

Oh, you mean that psychotic terrorist ritual

where they mindfuck each other into a state of regression.

[laughs]

Yeah.

And then we brainwash each other.

[laughs]

I've been wanting to try that.

Uh-huh.

[snickers]

l feel like I'm unlocking

this secret reserve of love in me.

lt-- [sighs]

l mean, this nonmonogamy,

it's clearly the path

to opening up our hidden potential as human beings.

Right.

So?

Can I go on another date with him?

With who?

With my dirty, grimy, filthy stowaway boyfriend?

That's better.

[children play distantly]

Can l?

Of course.

There is no scarcity of love in the world.

lt's almost heroic.

Egalitarian.

Even though Lou

still is the captain.

Now, is she on board for the charting of these new waters?

Yeah, I mean,

she agrees monogamy is death,

suffocation.

You know, honey,

when I asked your father for an open marriage,

he agreed.

But, uh, if truth be known,

it wasn't really what he wanted.

Mom.

That was your way of ending things.

Maybe.

But like Communist Russia,

in theory it's great,

but in practice it gets kind of messy.

[whip cracks]

[unplugged electric guitar strums]

So you negotiate this with your primary?

Your captain?

[laughs]

[women's chorus intones]

lf you do want to be a top,

you have got to quit it with that doe-eyed bottom act.

Are you really into this rough sex thing?

l hate to break your illusions

about how rough it is,

but the problem with SM is it's too fucking safe.

Safe?

Yeah.

This whole, "Oh, I'm so scared

you're going to do this thing to me that I told you to do."

lt's boring.

So you don't want to play with me?

[sighs]

l think that you need to learn a few things.

You really want me to hit you?

[sighs]

Sassafras,

l want you to take me somewhere.

l mean, this princess thing,

it's fine.

But you can really turn that around

and just access

this hidden power.

I'm sorry; am I scaring you?

crack!

Oh.

[upbeat instrumental music]

[laughter]

Ah!

[laughs]

[bike bell dinging]

Whee!

[laughs]

You want to trade?

Oh!

Wouldn't it be cool

if we could just walk into each other's lives one day?

Like if you and Uncle Val went on vacation,

l could stay at your house and--

Put on my pink dishwashing gloves

and be like a '50s housewife.

[laughs]

[door clacks distantly]

Shh.

He's coming.

[door clacks]

Let's hide.

Let's surprise him.

[laughs]

Guess who?

A seal named Charlie?

Guess again.

Mmm, a dolphin named Fred?

Guess again.

Duh.

A little princess named Sassafra--

Oh.

Pardon me, Leslie. [laughs]

Guess again, dodo bird.

You had me so thoroughly fooled.

[clears throat]

My tiara, Leslie?

Thank you.

Daddy.

[clears throat]

Kiss?

All better.

How was your meeting?

One day at a time, right?

l should go.

No.

Let's make Daddy give us a cupcake party.

You will have a cupcake party on your birthday, princess.

But that's more than a month away.

(Leslie) Ask him if he'll

take us for a boat ride.

[gasps]

Ooh, Daddy, will you?

What do you say?

( Sass ) Please?

[together] Please, please, please, please,

pleas-s-s-s-s-se--

Well...

all hands on deck.

Sassy my lassie, raise the sail.

Leslie, check for stowaways.

[together] Aye, aye, Captain.

We're going to have a whale of a time.

What?

We're going to see a whale?

Why, there's one right over there.

Where?

I'll show you.

[whale calls]

Where?

Shall we set sail?

[whale moans]

The wind! The wind!

Hang on, girls.

We've got quite a storm.

(Leslie) The wind!

The wind! The wind!

The wind! The wind!

I'm marooned on a desert island.

[laughter]

Excuse me.

l have a phone call to make.

Hmm.

[clears throat]

Back to the real world.

Back to dry land.

Thanks for the boat ride, Uncle Louie.

My regards to Val.

Always.

Bye, Sassafras.

Call me.

Lou.

[sighs]

Can we talk?

This is all about agreements, right?

Of course.

No two daddies and no two little girls?

What, Leslie?

No, Sassy.

lt is silly to worry about her.

She's in a totally different kind of relationship.

Come here.

Besides, Daddy only needs one special princess.

[laughs]

Okay.

Okay.

(Lou) Being a daddy isn't always easy.

Princesses can require an exceptional amount

of devotion and care.

ln the real world, they call it "high maintenance."

[underwater noise]

[whale moans]

[swishing]

[sighs]

l can't think of anything.

Can you?

Mind's a blank.

Maybe we shouldn't rehearse right now.

l could be distracted.

[laughs]

(Kaz ) Emilia, you gorgeous Amazon,

what is this fairy dust?

Brewer's yeast.

lt calms your nerves, gives you energy.

Hmm.

(Emilia) And makes you feel very sexy.

[laughs]

Mmm.

Not bad.

Kind of cheesesque.

l love it.

Live on the stuff.

So, Kaz, I thought you were bringing your new boyfriend.

[groans]

You know the old joke about the difference

between lesbian dating and gay boy dating?

What do gay boys bring on the second date?

What second date?

What do lesbians bring on the second date?

(all) The U-Haul.

Oh, you mean they get married right away.

But not Sassy and Lou.

Oh, no.

They're trying to take after the boys--

wild, free, and uncommitted.

Not exactly that.

l would love to have

an old-fashioned ceremony with your daughter, Ms. Patterson--

Oh.

lf only she'd let me.

I'll marry you, Captain Daddy Lou.

[laughs]

No two little girls.

[laughs]

So, Sassy, does Lou get to date?

Or is that only for you?

( Sass ) Of course she can.

lt just hasn't come up yet.

Has it?

Well, I'm not immune to the charms of--

Who?

Do tell.

Yes.

Do tell.

Chelsea Chuwawa.

[laughs]

Sandra, honey.

She is not your type.

Why don't you ask her out on a date, Lou?

No way.

She is way out of my league.

You think Chelsea Chuwawa's better than me?

No, I didn't mean that--

lt's settled.

Lou will ask Chelsea Chuwawa to be a part of the family.

[hip-hop music]

l have a proposal to hand you.

lt's a rather odd package.

You see, Sassy and l--

Out to the chase.

What's the proposal?

l'd like to ask you to join our family.

Listen, don't waste your time.

I'm flattered and all,

but I ain't interested in getting involved

in an amateur triangle.

This is different.

Uh-huh.

This is more like a quadrangle.

Oh, sounds more appealing all the time.

Well, l'd like you to be my mistress.

My lady friend.

Oh, that way goes the game, eh?

I'm sorry if the title offends.

What am l supposed to be?

The wicked woman?

The evil home wrecker?

A tool for you to beat each other over the head with?

l would love you as equally as I love Sassy.

There is nothing equal in the mind of a feeling.

[man on television drones]

[newspaper crackling]

Guess who.

[sighs]

Guess again.

[sighs]

Could it be--

Please.

Don't pull the pseudo little girly crap with me.

lt's annoying, and it's infantile.

l was just trying to have fun.

[newspaper crackles]

l was just trying to remember what fun even is.

[techno music]

[buttons beeping]

[phone ringing]

click!

(Sass) Hello?

(Micky) Hey, it's Micky.

(Sass) Yeah?

(Micky) So are you ready, Miss Sassafras?

(Chelsea) Don't hit the kidneys or the spine.

Watch the face.

(woman #1 ) You ready, hon?

( man ) Look at these restraints.

Even pressure that protects you.

Silk can tighten and pull unevenly.

Can cause nerve damage.

Do you have these in fuchsia?

No.

No fuchsia.

(woman #2 ) Harder, harder.

(woman #1 ) Are you sure?

So how about you're my mom and I'm your bad boy?

lt's time for bed, Micky.

l don't want to go to bed!

Okay, I'll tell you a bedtime story first.

Now get in bed.

Can I stay up late?

I'm so sorry to intrude on you and Sass.

Oh, Sassafras isn't here.

Oh.

Oh.

There once was a man named Flintstone.

Well, I think I left my locket here.

[laughs]

Oh, here it is.

Very nice.

l mean, um, very--find it.

lf I'm bad, you have to spank me.

What if I go too far?

We both have our safe words, so either one of us can stop.

Okay.

[laughter]

smack!

[groans]

Micky, I'm sorry.

Did I hurt you?

Okay, back to the basics.

You are not hurting me.

You're not damaging me.

l want you to do this to me until I can cry.

Okay?

Here, just smack my ass, okay?

Oh, Micky, l couldn't.

[taunting] Sassy! Sassy Frassy!

[grunts]

[laughs cruelly]

Time-out.

That's no problem, Leslie.

Yeah.

lt's a locket.

lt's got a picture of Val in here.

Hmm.

Val.

My one and only.

[laughs]

Did you want--

Oh, yeah.

[laughs]

Sassafras is out with--

Yeah.

[laughs]

I'm getting angry, and I'm kind of--

I'm getting scared about that.

Could we just take a break?

Yeah.

[sighs]

Mistress Chelsea Chuwawa?

[record scratching]

Your assistance, please.

(Chelsea) Take the loving and like it.

crack!

[cracking]

You've got to listen to your mother.

Do you and Val mess around with this nonmonogamy business?

No.

Mm-mm.

No. [laughs]

No.

No, um, well, we sort of tried it once,

but--

[clears throat]

We're both very jealous people, so yeah.

Right.

lt's just a phase.

lt will pass.

Right.

Well, got to go.

Val's waiting.

Got a date tonight.

Got to keep the old relationship spiced up.

You two aren't having troubles, are you?

No. [laughs]

No, no, no, no, no.

[laughs]

No.

Nothing like that.

Toodles.

Yeah, to--toodle too.

[door clicks]

You know, you can go further.

l was just worried it was twisted.

l guess I'm twisted, then, 'cause I like it.

[laughs]

Did I do okay?

l never played the grown-up part before.

[laughs]

Yeah.

[laughs]

You just wait.

One of these days, I'm going to kick your terrible ass.

[laughs]

You're all right, Sandy Patterson.

(Lou ) Fee-fi-fo-fum.

l smell the blood of a fisherman.

l better get the hell out--

No, let's keep playing.

Okay, we're on a role.

[whispers inaudibly]

[laughs]

You will do things for him.

You will polish his boots.

You will do his laundry

and the things like that.

Likewise, he will be good to you.

What if I don't want to?

Then you just must be all the better to him.

And what if I'm bad?

(Lou ) Well, well, well.

Lookee here.

Daddy, I want you to meet my son,

which is your grandchild,

Micky Penny.

Sir.

So this is the kid.

Well, put him in a box.

What?

A box.

What?

You heard me; a box.

Haven't we got some sort of a box around here

that we can put him in?

ls this okay with you, Micky?

Yeah, I'm into it.

Ah, here's just the thing.

clunk!

And an old fishing net...

[inhales]

Smelling only slightly of shrimp shit.

[laughs]

Yeah, that's nice and secure.

Are you okay, my baby boy?

[laughs] Yeah, I'm having fun.

Sassy my lassie,

come sit on Daddy's knee and tell me

how you were united with your son tonight.

l thought you didn't want to hear about it, Daddy.

Oh, no, it's fine.

l want to hear all about your exciting night.

lt was no big deal.

No big deal.

Look at him over there,

all tied up.

You want to tell me it was no big deal

in front of his face?

Well, we--it was that-- um, there was--

Micky was a bad, bad boy,

and so I had to punish him.

And then there was-- there was that part,

and we just came home.

Well, then, let's do away with him.

[gasps]

You don't mean...

Throw him overboard.

Make him walk the plank.

Send him to a watery grave.

No!

Oh, you mustn't hurt my son.

l have two beams of light coming out of my heart,

one for you and one for him.

You don't want me anymore, do you, Sassafras?

Make me choose at this moment?

[groans]

You will regret it.

[rapid surf pounding]

[bird cries]

(Lou) The one thing about not knowing your compass is broken--

at least you don't know that you're lost.

[rock music]

(Consuelo Emerson) # Say, "Hey, hello." #

# Say "Hello." #

# Take it real slow. #

# And talk and talk and talk and talk #

# and interrogate my mind. #

# And I will unwind. #

# And I will unwin-n-n-nd. #

# Make it dark. #

# Make it bad. #

# Keep it fresh. #

# Give me everything you have. #

# Tell me everything you want #

# and what you feel inside. #

# And I will subside. #

# Then I will confide. #

# Lay, lay me down. #

# Drive it slow and hard. #

# Take me underground. #

# Hey, lay me down. #

# Take me under. #

# Then I will be found. #

# Love won't be tied. #

# You can try and hold me back. #

# You can try and hide. #

# I want to give. #

# I want to give. #

# Make you long, girl, #

# till I satisfy. #

Louie, honey, get real here.

You know, to me, you're more than a friend.

l don't want to be rude,

but it seems like you're under a lot of pressure to save face.

And Sassafras has her hot new thing,

and you don't want to be left behind.

l can understand that.

You know, it's not like that.

Louie, I am being a friend to you now.

This situation really sucks for you.

Yeah, well, I'm not ready to give up on it yet.

Do you know why this works when it works?

[laughs]

I'm sure l have no idea.

Brutal honesty.

l never lied.

Not to her.

But what about to yourself?

Ah, shit.

Do something to take care of yourself, all right?

You're a good kid.

l like you.

[laughs]

Aw, shucks.

You're a good little pup too.

Ruff-ruff.

Very obedient.

( Ginny ) Bridget, would you please speed up the tempo?

(Bridget) Well, why don't you come in when you're supposed to?

[laughs] l did come in when I was--

No, you did not.

Yes, I did.

No, you did not.

Yes, I did; l wrote the song.

Yeah, you should know when you come in,

and that wasn't it.

That's my point.

Oh, I'm gonna--uh.

Fine, let's just do this again.

One more time.

Let's do this 100 times.

Fine, till you get it right.

Fine; l don't care.

I'm ready.

Fine; fine.

Well, you're not coming in when you're supposed to.

Yes, I am.

Okay, you know what?

No, let's just take a break.

I'm taking a break now, okay?

All right.

Kaz, what are they doing here?

Well, honey, you're the one who had the lucrative idea

to rent it out as a rehearsal space.

[laughs]

Look at my boots.

Lou painted them for me.

You might want to open your eyes up

and see the sparkles, Miss Sassafras,

before someone else snatches her up.

[hard rock music]

Get on your knees.

Good.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God, she did it.

All right, Fido, woo me.

[whacking]

You've been dying to be my dog, you filthy canine.

[groans]

[strap whacks]

l believe that by acknowledging--

Out through the psychobabble, Fido.

[whacking]

Come on, tough guy.

[whacking]

My shoes?

Haven't you heard

that big boys don't cry?

[sighs]

[moans]

Yeah.

[laughing]

Happy birthday, princess.

[laughs]

(Sass) l feel so strong,

like I just sucked poison out of a snake bite.

But, honey, you were always so gentle.

[sighs]

Mom, I'm not this weepy, little love-maker woman.

Honey, did your father or I do something wrong?

No, Mom.

Well, did something bad happen,

something to make you want to have this, uh...

[whip cracks]

[woman screams]

Kinky sex?

No, Mom.

lt's not this bad, scary thing.

Whatever.

I'm not going to tell you about it.

Oh, do tell me.

l want to be informed.

l just--l feel this power in me

that I use to bring about a greater love.

lt's a tool.

And, you know, women-- women especially--

they're not supposed to get angry.

They're not supposed to hurt anyone.

Well, darling, do you want to hurt people?

No.

lt's--it's like a knife.

Did you use knives?

No.

You know, it's not good or bad...

like peeling fruit.

l mean, there's this purity in the sharpness.

Oh, well.

Times have changed.

[big band music]

Daddy!

Would you like to dance?

Care for a Shirley Temple?

[laughs]

[record scratching]

[hip-hop music]

Look at all this cake.

lt's a princess party for sure.

(Chelsea) Hey, princess.

( Micky ) Mommy, I'm here.

(Chelsea) Mm-mm, looking good, Captain Lou.

Micky, you're late.

Sorry, Mommy--

No excuses!

No cake for you.

No fair.

(Lou ) Who ever said life was fair?

( Micky ) Sorry.

Micky, go play with somebody your own age.

(Lou) Maybe I should have been happy to see my grandson,

but these family ties

were getting more complicated than Greek mythology.

l always wanted to be a saint.

You always wanted to be a martyr.

Saints are people who got tortured.

Catholics are wired for humiliation.

Where's the booze?

Only Shirley Temples here, darling.

[sighs]

( Sonya) 'Cause, like, they didn't even have lipstick back then.

[Sass laughs]

[conversing at once]

(Leslie) Oh, my.

See?

[footsteps approaching]

[both gasp]

Careful, princess.

[laughs]

You saved the cupcakes.

Oh, not at all, milady.

[sighs]

Captain Daddy Lou,

l'd like to repay your kind service with...

a cupcake.

(Chelsea) Ooh, Louie wants a cupcake, don't you, Louie?

(Lou ) Okay, Leslie.

l think my daddy's looking for me.

(Chelsea) Better hurry, princess.

[Leslie laughs]

(Lou ) l love cupcakes.

[whimsical samba music]

l said you could love whoever you wanted,

not sleep with them.

No, you said I could fuck whoever I wanted

as long as l only love you.

That's crazy.

l would never have said that.

(Lou) Where's the birthday girl?

Happy birthday, princess.

[cheers and applause]

[distant conversing]

Boo!

[gasps] Oh, my God, you scared me.

l was looking for you.

Oh, here I am.

[laughs]

Let's talk.

Sure.

I'm on a sugar high.

[laughter]

ls that an excuse?

[laughs]

Are you accusing me of something?

Mmm, I don't know.

Are you feeling guilty about something?

[laughs]

l don't know what you're talking about.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Maybe out of bubble gum from the ice cream store?

Ahh!

[screeching]

Cops, I'm sorry.

[fake Texan accent] I'm on a sugar high.

[cries]

[snickers]

Aw.

[laughs]

[record scratching]

[hip-hop music]

This party needs some heat.

Well, I need to cool off.

This is a little girl party.

Why don't we play a game?

What game?

What about spin the bottle?

[record scratching]

Here are the rules:

if the bottle lands on you,

you get to choose between a hit--

Ooh!

Or a kiss.

(woman ) Oh, yeah.

(Chelsea) Then you get to choose

between a peach kiss--

peck on the cheek--

(woman ) Mmm.

A raspberry kiss--

a puckered kiss on the lips only--

[woman growls]

Or a full-on wet kiss.

[women cheering]

That's a mango kiss.

Captain Lou, start us off.

[cheers and applause]

(Chelsea) Yeah, baby, that's the way I like it.

[women talking at once]

(woman ) Whoo!

smack!

[smacking]

Eeny, meeny...

[women cheering]

[smacking]

( Micky ) Thank you, Mommy.

( Sass ) Micky.

[laughter]

[record scratches]

(woman ) Whoo!

(Chelsea) Louie, Louie, Louie.

(woman ) That should be interesting.

(Chelsea) Hit or kiss?

( Micky ) What will it be, sir?

[women chanting] Kiss, kiss.

Hit or kiss?

[laughter]

Come on, Lou; go ahead.

[women chanting] Kiss.

Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss,

kiss, kiss, kiss,

kiss; kiss;

kiss.

[whooshing]

[Chelsea speaks distantly]

[women chanting] Kiss; kiss.

[Chelsea laughs]

[whooshing]

crack!

No.

(women ) Boo.

(Bridget) Jealous.

(Karla) Yeah.

[door slams]

Happy birthday, princess.

Birthdays always suck.

[women murmur]

[woman yawns]

lt's time to go.

( Ginny ) l have a blind date.

Mmm, see you later, Sass.

Nice party.

l got another party to go to, candy girl.

You want to come?

No, no.

[distant conversation]

Val is home alone.

[sighs]

[distant street noise]

[soft jazz music]

Maybe we could just--

l made a big mess.

l have to stop.

(woman) # I'm going to be where you are #

# every day and every night, #

# for you, for you. #

# Oh-oh-oh. #

# Oh, and when you hold me tight, #

# it's nice. #

# So right. #

# lt feels, it feels, it feels, #

# it feels, oh, like we could be together forever. #

# Forever. #

# Till eternity. #

# Oh, you'll return to me. #

# Open up your arms. #

[pigeons coo]

Well.

[sighs]

Listen, Sassafr--

Shh.

How can I have two lovers when I can't even keep one?

About last night, l--

Shh.

lt's okay.

l deserve it.

I've been such a-- I've been such a brat.

l spent the night--

Shh.

Chelsea Chuwawa.

l know.

lt's okay.

Leslie.

What about her?

l spent the night with Leslie.

[wind whooshing]

That's fine.

That's fine, because we said that it was okay

to have two daddies and two little girls.

Stop it.

You started this by bringing Micky in.

l asked you for what I wanted.

You had an option to refuse.

You had a say.

[panting]

[imitates whooshing]

So what?

You can't a taste of your own medicine,

Miss Nonmonogamy Heals the World?

Oh, we are well out to sea now.

What the hell is the difference between affairs and nonmonogamy?

What the hell is the difference between rape and sex?

Consent.

Bingo.

Now get off my rock.

[whale calls]

[whooshing]

Sass, stop it.

[whale moans]

Stop it.

Stop!

Stop all of this!

Enough.

[sobs]

ls this a boundary?

That's right.

I'm going to talk to you as Lou

and you're going to talk to me as Sandy,

or we're not talking.

Okay.

l got confused.

You broke the rules.

The rules were breaking me.

You wanted it too.

You wanted to be small and taken care of.

l let you be small, and I took care of you.

Could you even make it with a grown-up girl

or just a brat princess?

l want the woman, and I always have.

l was just so scared of losing you.

l woke up with her or him.

l told her that I wanted to be with you

and only you.

You said that to Micky.

Yes.

Sass, I didn't know.

You know, maybe I was unfair about this whole thing,

but I consulted you every step of the way.

[soft jazz music]

[crying] Oh, Mom.

l cannot protect my little boy

and be Daddy's one and only little girl.

Well, I don't know about that, darling,

but Lou really loves you.

lt was a stupid idea.

Oh. [sighs]

You kids,

l don't know why you're so difficult on each other.

lt's like, relationships are tough enough

without all of these special--

l feel like this...

adolescent idiot.

You're lucky.

You're young.

lt's your job to be stupid.

[sobs] Mom.

l know.

Us big kids,

l don't think we ever really got it together either.

Now, you're going to find someday

that there are very real reasons

why people eventually choose monogamy.

Yeah, but your marriage didn't work.

No, I'm not saying that it should have.

Here.

Yeah, because it was the '70s,

and the world had just cracked open.

And you, you were born in a burst of change.

No, honey.

We did some things back then, and I don't mean macrame.

lt didn't work.

Ma, I don't want this to be the end of love.

l love you.

[laughs]

Kaz loves you.

Oh, Sandra,

there are so many ways to be intimate.

Okay, you know what?

[sighs]

Let's not be traditional about this.

Let's not act like two catty little girls

fighting over a man.

Well, why not?

That's the way things work on Planet Earth.

You duplicitous bitch!

Well, you hypocrite.

Leslie, I am trying really hard not to hate you right now.

[laughs]

Go ahead.

Hate me.

You know, I don't have to please anyone anymore.

And you're not so pure either, princess.

That was different, okay?

Agreements were made.

Excuses.

You can either handle it, or you can't.

Well, I guess I co--l...

l couldn't handle it, then, okay?

l always knew you were full of shit.

Whatever, Miss--

[fake Texan accent] l Only Like Bubble Gum lce Oream.

[laughs] That is not...

[laughter]

[cries]

l-- [sobs]

everything is falling apart.

[sobs]

Leslie.

You're just--

l wanted to be you.

Oh, to be sloppy and eccentric

and have someone to make me feel special.

[chuckles]

l want to be you.

[laughs]

So together.

No.

So organized, stable.

Val and l, we just got stuck playing these roles.

Relationships are so confusing.

And you don't know what you had.

Had?

l heard you broke up with her.

No.

l don't think so.

(Lou ) l can't be your big, strong daddy right now.

( Sass ) You don't need to be that for me.

l thought you wouldn't love me anymore

if I wasn't your daddy.

l thought that you wanted this new, hip kind of relationship.

Please forgive me for breaking the rules.

No, you need to forgive me.

l put you through so much.

l have this urge

to get on my knees to your captainship right now.

Resist it.

[laughs]

Sandy, can...

can you let me get little sometimes?

[sighs]

Time for me to be the grown-up.

Wow.

Take the risk to be reliable.

[laughs]

Lou.

l did not come this far just to lose you in a shipwreck.

[laughs]

We're going to have to build a whole new ship.

A simpler model.

With only two sailors.

Shut up and mango me.

[whimsical samba music]

(Lou) Leslie finally got to spice up the old relationship.

She discovered the secret ingredient

to give her apple betty that extra kick.

The stowaway found a home as another one of Chelsea's slaves

and finally got the shrimp shit satisfactorily beat out her.

whap!

Sass and l went on to make

a wonderfully self-indulgent performance piece.

ls there any other kind?

[applause]

Oh, and Kaz?

He finally had that second date

in the back of a U-Haul.

You know, you got to be true to yourself.

But just because you know the bow from the stern

doesn't mean you're ready for the high seas.

Subtitling by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

[record scratching]

[hip-hop music]

[foreboding rock music]

Well, actually I was--

[laughs]

(woman #1 ) # Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Please love Mommy. #

# Micky is a bad boy. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Bad boy. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

(woman #2 ) Cut!

[laughs]

(woman #1 ) # Slap me. #

# Please love Mommy. #

# Micky is a bad boy. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Bad boy. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Hit me. #

# Hit me. #

# Micky is a bad boy. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Hit me. #

# Hit me. #

# Slap me. #

# Micky. #

[soft jazz music]

(woman #3) # Yesterday, my love, #

# I first saw you. #

# Open up your door tonight, my love. #

No boys allowed at your little lesbian fest?

[laughs]

(woman #3) # Adieu. #

# I'm forever near, forever near. #

# I want to be where you are #

# everyday and every night, #

# for you, for you. #

# Oh, and when you hold me tight, #

# it's nice. #

# So nice. #

# lt feels, it feels, it feels, #

# it feels like we could be together forever. #

[together] We want raspberry kisses

and three hard spankings each on our--

[laughter]

Derrieres.

(woman #3) # Open up your heart. #

# Catch me falling. #

# Embrace is what l need to be. #

# Hold me. #

# Want me. #

# Need me. #

# Touch me. #

# Possess me. #

# Oh, I will enjoy you. #

# I'm right here with you. #

# Our heart's no longer two. #

# Oh, take me. #

# Don't break me. #

# Be happy. #

# All right by my side. #

# Hold me. #

# Touch me. #

# I'm in love with you. #

Sassy, where are you, honey?

( Sass ) I'm not here.

[sighs] Oh, jeez.

[upbeat instrumental music]

(woman #2 ) Cut.

You could exchange it for-- you could--

you could-- sorry.

Did you use knives?

[no audio]

Thanks for the boat ride, Uncle Al.

[laughter]

[taunting] Once a princess, always a princess.

[laughs cruelly]

whack!

That enough?

(woman #2 ) l don't know.

I've died and gone to little girl hell.

Excuse me, has anyone seen my real tiara?

[laughter]

(woman #2 ) And cut.