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1
00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:27,750
Greetings from Martin's Comedy Movies
2
00:01:02,299 --> 00:01:07,370
Parakeets are the most popular
pet bird in the world.
3
00:01:07,372 --> 00:01:10,106
But they require a lot of care.
4
00:01:10,108 --> 00:01:12,975
Now Perfect Polly
brings you all the joy,
5
00:01:12,977 --> 00:01:15,812
and no mess to make you mad.
6
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:18,014
By the window or on the shelf,
7
00:01:18,016 --> 00:01:21,184
with your Perfect Polly
you're never by yourself.
8
00:01:21,186 --> 00:01:23,920
So lifelikeyou won't believeyour eyes.
9
00:01:23,922 --> 00:01:27,423
Just look at the detail
in this pretty little Polly.
10
00:01:27,425 --> 00:01:31,227
This life-sizedPerfect Polly looksright at home in a cage,
11
00:01:31,229 --> 00:01:33,162
or perch Polly on your finger
12
00:01:33,164 --> 00:01:35,431
and watch her start to sing.
13
00:01:35,433 --> 00:01:38,100
Perfect Polly chirpsher little tootin the morning
14
00:01:38,102 --> 00:01:40,536
or the afternoon.
15
00:01:48,178 --> 00:01:50,580
Completewith the authenticPolly perch.
16
00:01:50,582 --> 00:01:53,983
But wait, call right nowand you can doubleyour order.
17
00:01:53,985 --> 00:01:57,353
That's a pairof Perfect Polliesfor 14.99.
18
00:01:57,355 --> 00:02:00,223
And don't forget to find out
about free shipping.
19
00:02:00,225 --> 00:02:03,559
It's the perfect petfor someone specialyou know.
20
00:02:03,561 --> 00:02:06,462
You have 16 new messages.
First new message.
21
00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:11,367
Hey, booboo.Gina here.Pick up the phone.
22
00:02:11,369 --> 00:02:14,136
Pick up.
Come on.
23
00:02:14,138 --> 00:02:17,373
I just had the craziestphone conversationwith this telemarketer
24
00:02:17,375 --> 00:02:19,976
- and he's kind of sexy.
- Next new message.
25
00:02:21,913 --> 00:02:24,280
Hi, Alice.
It's Daryl Moffet.
26
00:02:24,282 --> 00:02:27,583
I just got offthe phone with Gregat Suncoast Pharmacy.
27
00:02:27,585 --> 00:02:29,986
I had no ideayou weren't picking upyour medication.
28
00:02:29,988 --> 00:02:31,287
Can you give me a call?
29
00:02:36,426 --> 00:02:38,461
Your home is far less likely...
30
00:02:38,463 --> 00:02:41,130
Everybody comesto our beautifulplanet Earth
31
00:02:41,132 --> 00:02:43,399
and it is beautiful
if you saw our show on Friday
32
00:02:43,401 --> 00:02:46,168
to do something great,
something unique,
33
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:50,139
something that only
you were born to do.
34
00:02:50,141 --> 00:02:53,342
Only you can give.
So, what is your calling?
35
00:02:53,344 --> 00:02:55,544
I definitely know what mine is.
36
00:02:55,546 --> 00:02:58,614
This show is about helping
all of you who are
watching us.
37
00:02:58,616 --> 00:03:01,951
Think about
and then figure out,
'cause that's your real job,
38
00:03:01,953 --> 00:03:05,655
to figure out what
is your calling,
and then begin to honor it.
39
00:03:05,657 --> 00:03:07,577
Hundreds of people
in this audience...
40
00:04:07,284 --> 00:04:08,985
I'm going to have
to check on her.
41
00:04:19,764 --> 00:04:22,631
Um, I-I should, uh,
head out.
42
00:04:22,633 --> 00:04:24,367
I'm... It was nice
to meet you.
43
00:04:24,369 --> 00:04:26,469
Alice.
Alice.
44
00:04:26,471 --> 00:04:28,270
Take care, Alice.
45
00:04:31,341 --> 00:04:33,676
Who was that?
I don't know.
46
00:04:33,678 --> 00:04:37,747
She asked
if there was a rape
in A Tale of Two Cities.
47
00:04:37,749 --> 00:04:41,050
If maybe, well, one
that's just for you.
48
00:04:41,052 --> 00:04:43,786
Just a phone call,but hopefully a new startfor your friendships.
49
00:04:43,788 --> 00:04:46,489
And hopefully those of you
who haven't made the call,
50
00:04:46,491 --> 00:04:49,258
in six years, ten years,twelve, will get the nervefrom this show
51
00:04:49,260 --> 00:04:50,726
to pick up the phone
and reconnect.
52
00:04:50,728 --> 00:04:51,808
Do that for yourself.
53
00:05:15,752 --> 00:05:18,320
The California
Stack Sweepstakes.
54
00:05:18,322 --> 00:05:20,756
Hello, California.
Happy Independence Day.
55
00:05:20,758 --> 00:05:23,159
I'm Helen Hardaway,
56
00:05:23,161 --> 00:05:26,228
and welcometo the CaliforniaStack drawing.
57
00:05:26,230 --> 00:05:29,765
Tonight, you needto pick four or morenumbers to win.
58
00:05:29,767 --> 00:05:33,836
Get all eight numbersand you could win or sharetonight's jackpot
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00:05:33,838 --> 00:05:37,273
of $86 million.
60
00:05:38,575 --> 00:05:40,309
And away we go.
61
00:05:40,311 --> 00:05:44,747
Number 40, 23.
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00:05:44,749 --> 00:05:47,216
There's 37
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00:05:47,218 --> 00:05:49,618
followed by 14.
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00:05:49,620 --> 00:05:52,788
There's 57, 15.
65
00:05:52,790 --> 00:05:58,661
And finallyour bonus numbersare 54 and 39.
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00:05:58,663 --> 00:06:02,765
Lottery retailerswill pay for prizesup to one hundred...
67
00:06:18,748 --> 00:06:21,183
Thanks for calling
the California Lottery.
68
00:06:21,185 --> 00:06:23,185
If you're calling
to report a winning,
69
00:06:23,187 --> 00:06:25,627
just say"I'm a winnerat any time."
70
00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:29,325
Oops.
I didn't catch that.
71
00:06:29,327 --> 00:06:31,293
If you're calling
to report a winning,
72
00:06:31,295 --> 00:06:33,129
just say"I'm a winnerat any time."
73
00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:35,231
I'm a winner.
Oops.I didn't catch that.
74
00:06:35,233 --> 00:06:37,199
If you're calling
to report a winning,
75
00:06:37,201 --> 00:06:40,469
just say"I'm a winnerat any time."
76
00:06:40,471 --> 00:06:44,631
I'm a winner
at any time.
Congratulations.Please hold.
77
00:06:56,853 --> 00:06:59,922
Yesterday was a very
lucky day for Alice Klieg,
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00:06:59,924 --> 00:07:02,625
a Palm Desert woman
who holds the winning ticket
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00:07:02,627 --> 00:07:06,695
for an $86 millionCalifornia StackSweepstakes payout.
80
00:07:06,697 --> 00:07:09,398
That's my...
That's my friend!
81
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,400
Oh, my God.
82
00:07:11,402 --> 00:07:14,370
Thank you.
Thank you.
83
00:07:14,372 --> 00:07:17,640
I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.
84
00:07:17,642 --> 00:07:22,745
I was a summer baby,born in the year 1971in Simi Valley, California.
85
00:07:22,747 --> 00:07:24,713
My mother was a nutritionist
86
00:07:24,715 --> 00:07:26,849
and my father
was a commercial baker.
87
00:07:26,851 --> 00:07:29,919
I've been using masturbation
as a sedative since 1991.
88
00:07:32,456 --> 00:07:34,957
We're unable
to show you the rest.
89
00:07:34,959 --> 00:07:36,759
Yesterday was a...
90
00:07:36,761 --> 00:07:39,361
They cut me off.
91
00:07:42,933 --> 00:07:44,633
Hello?
92
00:07:44,635 --> 00:07:46,235
Hi, Ted.
93
00:07:46,237 --> 00:07:47,670
Alice, it's Ted.
94
00:07:47,672 --> 00:07:49,972
He saw you on the news.
95
00:07:49,974 --> 00:07:53,409
They cut me off.
Yeah, she's mad
they cut her speech off.
96
00:07:53,411 --> 00:07:54,910
She sounds bad.
97
00:07:54,912 --> 00:07:58,847
She's about a 7.5
and climbing.
98
00:07:58,849 --> 00:08:00,849
You don't have to stay.
Somebody has to stay.
99
00:08:00,851 --> 00:08:04,353
They cut me off.
Later, tater.
100
00:08:04,355 --> 00:08:06,488
Alice?
101
00:08:10,661 --> 00:08:12,695
You hungry?
102
00:08:12,697 --> 00:08:14,463
I'm going to take
an iodine bath.
103
00:08:39,022 --> 00:08:41,423
It's my new thing.
104
00:08:41,425 --> 00:08:44,326
I'm managing my moods
by living a high protein
lifestyle.
105
00:08:44,328 --> 00:08:46,996
What's going on
with the Abilify?
106
00:08:51,635 --> 00:08:53,035
I have a prepared statement.
107
00:08:54,604 --> 00:08:56,005
Okay.
108
00:08:59,576 --> 00:09:02,878
"Dear Daryl, it's been
a good run, Daryl,
109
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:06,982
"but as I will no longer
be collecting disability
from the State of California,
110
00:09:06,984 --> 00:09:10,352
"our visits
are no longer mandatory.
111
00:09:10,354 --> 00:09:12,855
"I appreciate everything
you have done for me,
112
00:09:12,857 --> 00:09:14,890
"but as a new member
of the rich and famous,
113
00:09:14,892 --> 00:09:17,693
I simply don't have
the time for the pain."
114
00:09:20,363 --> 00:09:22,765
Well, I have something
I'd like to read, too.
115
00:09:25,435 --> 00:09:29,471
"My dear Alice,
I would be happy to discuss
the logistical details
116
00:09:29,473 --> 00:09:32,975
"of our new relationship,
a relationship which gives me
great pride
117
00:09:32,977 --> 00:09:35,644
"when I reflecton the ground thatwe have covered.
118
00:09:35,646 --> 00:09:39,081
"Since
the psycho-pharmacological
value of string cheese
119
00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:42,484
"in the treatment
of borderline personality
disorder
120
00:09:42,486 --> 00:09:45,521
"is not, to my knowledge,even in clinical trials,
121
00:09:45,523 --> 00:09:48,657
"I would encourage you
to reconsider walking away
122
00:09:48,659 --> 00:09:53,629
from the good
and necessary work
that we do."
123
00:09:53,631 --> 00:09:55,831
Why did you stop
your medication?
124
00:09:55,833 --> 00:09:57,599
It's a new era.
125
00:09:59,636 --> 00:10:02,338
Eighty-six
million-dollar Alice.
126
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:05,374
Hm.
127
00:10:05,376 --> 00:10:07,376
Do you really want
to stop seeing me?
128
00:10:07,378 --> 00:10:08,944
No.
129
00:10:10,947 --> 00:10:12,614
Yes.
130
00:10:14,784 --> 00:10:16,719
No.
131
00:10:18,788 --> 00:10:21,490
What do you want to do, Alice?
132
00:10:24,894 --> 00:10:26,428
Something really big.
133
00:10:27,764 --> 00:10:30,632
I'm moving today.
134
00:10:30,634 --> 00:10:33,969
Oh.
Nice.
135
00:10:33,971 --> 00:10:35,771
Good.
136
00:10:38,475 --> 00:10:39,842
If I paid you,
137
00:10:42,612 --> 00:10:45,147
would you give me
a clean-bill health,
mentally?
138
00:11:15,145 --> 00:11:17,112
Thanks for choosing
our casino, Miss Klieg.
139
00:11:17,114 --> 00:11:19,181
So, how long
do you plan
on staying?
140
00:11:19,183 --> 00:11:21,083
Indefinitely.
141
00:11:21,085 --> 00:11:23,085
Do you allow pets here?
142
00:11:23,087 --> 00:11:24,720
Well, I'm sure
we can work
something out.
143
00:11:24,722 --> 00:11:26,555
Do you have a dog?
No.
144
00:11:37,634 --> 00:11:40,068
What's the matter, sweetie?
145
00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:42,938
Located at the beautiful
Palm Springs area.
146
00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:44,540
Nothing.
147
00:11:46,910 --> 00:11:49,878
Woohoo!
148
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,514
What I'm suggesting,
149
00:11:52,516 --> 00:11:54,650
is a more of a less idea.
150
00:11:54,652 --> 00:11:57,953
A five-dollar tip
for you.
151
00:11:57,955 --> 00:12:02,691
Just ask Ted
for a little advice,
small amount,
152
00:12:02,693 --> 00:12:05,160
about what to do
with your money.
153
00:12:05,162 --> 00:12:07,496
I don't need any help, Mommy.
154
00:12:07,498 --> 00:12:08,931
No hand?
155
00:12:08,933 --> 00:12:11,033
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
156
00:12:11,035 --> 00:12:13,135
Ouch.
Ooh.
157
00:12:13,137 --> 00:12:14,937
Sorry, Mom.
It's all right.
158
00:12:15,972 --> 00:12:18,607
Oh.
Teddy.
159
00:12:18,609 --> 00:12:20,709
Welcome to my new home.
160
00:12:20,711 --> 00:12:22,678
Oh.
This must be
your Alice.
161
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,746
This is Derick.
Hi, it's so nice
to fina...
162
00:12:24,748 --> 00:12:26,615
Oh, okay.
163
00:12:26,617 --> 00:12:28,684
This is, um, this is
my best friend, Gina.
164
00:12:28,686 --> 00:12:31,053
I'm her Gina.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
165
00:12:31,055 --> 00:12:33,155
Mwah.
166
00:12:33,157 --> 00:12:35,858
Those two sour pussies
over there are my parent.
Hi.
167
00:12:35,860 --> 00:12:38,527
This is Derick,
Ted's male lover.
Isn't that good?
168
00:12:38,529 --> 00:12:41,697
Hi, hi.
Hi.
169
00:12:41,699 --> 00:12:44,166
If it weren't for you,
I don't know what
we would do.
170
00:12:47,737 --> 00:12:50,239
I always knew
about Ted.
What?
171
00:12:50,241 --> 00:12:52,908
When we were married.
By the way he fucked me.
172
00:12:52,910 --> 00:12:55,077
Oh.
173
00:12:55,079 --> 00:12:56,178
I got it.
174
00:12:58,848 --> 00:13:00,782
So,
175
00:13:00,784 --> 00:13:02,944
how does it feel
to be a millionaire?
176
00:13:05,288 --> 00:13:07,556
I have a prepared statement.
177
00:13:07,558 --> 00:13:10,926
Prepared statement.
Prepared statement.
178
00:13:10,928 --> 00:13:12,728
Okay.
179
00:13:16,933 --> 00:13:18,573
Here's what I want to say.
180
00:13:20,003 --> 00:13:22,871
Cause.
Okay?
181
00:13:22,873 --> 00:13:26,275
Effect.
Okay?
182
00:13:26,277 --> 00:13:28,944
"I want each of you
to understand that
183
00:13:28,946 --> 00:13:31,647
"you can havewhat I have right nowif you really believe it.
184
00:13:31,649 --> 00:13:33,916
You too can have
a new life."
185
00:13:33,918 --> 00:13:36,652
New life.
Shh.
186
00:13:36,654 --> 00:13:38,220
New life.
187
00:13:40,690 --> 00:13:43,091
"And as I begin my new life,
188
00:13:43,093 --> 00:13:47,195
I must reflect on the love
and inspiration each of you
has given me."
189
00:13:47,197 --> 00:13:51,700
I love you, guys.Shit, I didn't wantto cry until the end.
190
00:13:51,702 --> 00:13:55,737
A toast to Alice
and her new life.
191
00:13:55,739 --> 00:13:58,907
New life.
New life.
192
00:13:58,909 --> 00:14:00,709
To my new life.
193
00:14:02,946 --> 00:14:04,079
Let's hope.
194
00:14:15,224 --> 00:14:17,059
I'm going to get shrimp.
195
00:14:17,061 --> 00:14:19,695
It's harvested in Ecuador,
196
00:14:19,697 --> 00:14:22,197
where the localscall it L a Madre
197
00:14:22,199 --> 00:14:25,033
or The Mother.
198
00:14:25,035 --> 00:14:29,237
Smoothies are sucha great way to load upon powerful nutrition.
199
00:14:29,239 --> 00:14:32,708
Every single particleof Live Alchemy contain s
coded blueprints
200
00:14:32,710 --> 00:14:35,177
that actually rewrite your DNA.
201
00:14:35,179 --> 00:14:37,346
So, who's ready for a new life?
202
00:14:39,750 --> 00:14:41,750
This has been a live broadcast
203
00:14:41,752 --> 00:14:44,219
from the headquarters
of New Vibrance Studios.
204
00:14:44,221 --> 00:14:46,355
If you're interestedin being a memberof our studio audience,
205
00:14:46,357 --> 00:14:48,690
please contact
the number below.
206
00:14:50,995 --> 00:14:53,862
Live for Palm Desert,
California,
207
00:14:53,864 --> 00:14:56,131
welcome to Live Alchemy.
208
00:14:56,133 --> 00:14:59,167
You can't put yogurt
in waste baskets.
209
00:14:59,169 --> 00:15:02,270
I know, but then,you can't just let itbe there.
210
00:15:02,272 --> 00:15:06,642
It's disgusting.
211
00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:11,113
Good to see you.
Welcome to Live Alchemy.
I'm Gabe Ruskin.
212
00:15:11,115 --> 00:15:16,084
Now, what if I were
to tell you one teaspoon
of Live Alchemy
213
00:15:16,086 --> 00:15:20,789
contains moreusable protein thana 16-ounce sirloin steak.
214
00:15:20,791 --> 00:15:23,992
Well, get ready to pan
to the audience.
215
00:15:23,994 --> 00:15:28,730
That in 100 years,
our main source of food
would be algae?
216
00:15:28,732 --> 00:15:31,233
Now.
217
00:15:31,235 --> 00:15:33,335
I would believe it.
218
00:15:33,337 --> 00:15:36,337
Ooh.Hey, hey, wow.We got a live one.
219
00:15:37,341 --> 00:15:39,808
And I wouldn't lie to you.
220
00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:44,980
Now, we're all used
to healthy food tasting
like dirt, right?
221
00:15:44,982 --> 00:15:47,015
Jesus, Frank, pull away please.
222
00:15:47,017 --> 00:15:48,950
Right, I mean, it's really bad.
223
00:15:48,952 --> 00:15:51,319
Well, I'd like
to get a volunteer
from the audience
224
00:15:51,321 --> 00:15:55,457
to come taste my chocolate
amaretto smoothie
with Live Alchemy.
225
00:15:55,459 --> 00:15:59,194
Who's curious?
226
00:15:59,196 --> 00:16:02,164
No, no.Come on.Not the crazy bitch.
227
00:16:02,166 --> 00:16:05,200
Gabe.
Who's game?
You want to come up?
228
00:16:05,202 --> 00:16:06,468
Right up here.
Welcome.
229
00:16:06,470 --> 00:16:08,737
Yeah, it's good.
230
00:16:08,739 --> 00:16:11,373
Thanks for being brave, yeah.
231
00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:13,375
Very courageous of you.
232
00:16:21,084 --> 00:16:22,384
Would you believe me?
233
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,924
Most people,they hear "algae"and they say "yuck".
234
00:16:31,195 --> 00:16:33,495
I'm not afraid
of anything, Gabe.
235
00:16:33,497 --> 00:16:35,030
Including success.
236
00:16:35,032 --> 00:16:37,499
Oh, what's your name?
237
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:39,401
My name is Alice Klieg.
238
00:16:39,403 --> 00:16:42,204
I watch you
when I sleep.
Oh.
239
00:16:43,807 --> 00:16:45,474
What, what was that?
240
00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:47,375
Is that so?
241
00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:56,051
This is my second time
on TV this week.
242
00:16:56,053 --> 00:16:59,020
Oh, your
second time, really?
Yes, Gabe.
243
00:16:59,022 --> 00:17:02,958
I won the California
Stack Sweepstakes.
Eighty-six million dollars.
244
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,860
Oh.
245
00:17:07,930 --> 00:17:11,032
I did a press conference that
aired on all of the stations
in this area.
246
00:17:11,034 --> 00:17:13,335
That's incredible.
You are a lucky lady.
247
00:17:13,337 --> 00:17:16,371
And we're lucky
to have you here to be
our guinea pig to try...
248
00:17:16,373 --> 00:17:19,307
Winning has nothing
to do with luck.
It doesn't?
249
00:17:19,309 --> 00:17:21,443
No.It's allmental training.
250
00:17:21,445 --> 00:17:24,379
Dawn, what the hell?
251
00:17:24,381 --> 00:17:26,481
Well-Well, why
don't you ask
your brother?
252
00:17:26,483 --> 00:17:29,017
He seems to be...
Are we in control
here or what?
253
00:17:29,019 --> 00:17:31,319
Not-Not currently.
254
00:17:31,321 --> 00:17:33,955
Oprah says that everything
in our world is created
on a DNA level
255
00:17:33,957 --> 00:17:35,857
by what we think.
256
00:17:35,859 --> 00:17:38,927
I thought I was a winner.
I won $86 million.
257
00:17:43,232 --> 00:17:46,001
All right,
give me the word, Rich.
Wait.
258
00:17:46,003 --> 00:17:48,203
That is just great.
259
00:17:48,205 --> 00:17:50,138
I didn't always think
of myself as a winner.
260
00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:54,009
When I was 16,
I was diagnosed
with manic depression.
261
00:17:54,011 --> 00:17:56,878
In my 20s,it was called rapidcycling bipolar disorder.
262
00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:01,116
Now it's just called
borderline personality
disorder.
263
00:18:01,118 --> 00:18:04,052
Alice, maybe come back
to your seat.
No.
264
00:18:08,191 --> 00:18:11,893
Now it's just called
borderline personality
disorder.
265
00:18:11,895 --> 00:18:14,963
Who can keep up?
266
00:18:14,965 --> 00:18:18,533
For most of my life,
I let my diagnosis
define who I was.
267
00:18:18,535 --> 00:18:20,902
Big mistake.
268
00:18:20,904 --> 00:18:24,472
At a certain point,
I realized I had
to get back to me
269
00:18:24,474 --> 00:18:26,174
before my illness.
270
00:18:26,176 --> 00:18:29,511
Oh, my God.
271
00:18:29,513 --> 00:18:31,413
Oh, my...Why are wefollowing her?
272
00:18:31,415 --> 00:18:32,415
Shh, shh.
273
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:39,988
I was a summer baby
274
00:18:39,990 --> 00:18:43,458
born in 1971
in Simi Valley,
California.
275
00:18:43,460 --> 00:18:46,361
And I've been usingmasturbation as a sedativesince 1991.
276
00:18:46,363 --> 00:18:49,464
We have
to kill this, Rich.
Okay, kill it.
277
00:18:49,466 --> 00:18:52,067
Do it, please.
My father wasa commercial baker.
278
00:18:52,069 --> 00:18:55,537
Introducing Essentis,
luxury hair care
279
00:18:55,539 --> 00:18:58,006
formulated with natural
and organic components...
280
00:18:58,008 --> 00:19:01,042
Do you think
she really won
the lottery?
281
00:19:01,044 --> 00:19:03,511
Seriously.
Can someone
Google that?
282
00:19:03,513 --> 00:19:05,113
What was her name?
283
00:19:05,115 --> 00:19:07,249
Oh, my God.
284
00:19:07,251 --> 00:19:10,185
Gabe, that was
the best experience
of my whole entire life.
285
00:19:10,187 --> 00:19:13,922
Well, um,
you didn't have
to buy me out.
286
00:19:13,924 --> 00:19:15,657
I need the protein.
287
00:19:15,659 --> 00:19:18,093
Hey.
288
00:19:18,095 --> 00:19:20,262
You must be
the big winner.
I'm Rich.
289
00:19:20,264 --> 00:19:22,230
Me, too.
290
00:19:22,232 --> 00:19:24,933
I'm Gabe's brother.
Oh.
291
00:19:24,935 --> 00:19:28,735
So, you own
all of this?
Gabe and I
sure do, yeah.
292
00:19:29,972 --> 00:19:31,973
I have an idea for a show.
293
00:19:31,975 --> 00:19:34,242
What kind
of show?
Uh...
294
00:19:34,244 --> 00:19:36,077
How about this?
You want to come in
tomorrow,
295
00:19:36,079 --> 00:19:37,946
we'll sit down,
we have an official
meeting,
296
00:19:37,948 --> 00:19:39,581
and we can hear
all about this show
of yours.
297
00:19:39,583 --> 00:19:41,383
I'm sure it's a knockout.
298
00:19:41,385 --> 00:19:43,118
Okay, yeah.
Does that
sound good?
299
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,352
Yeah.
Great.
300
00:19:44,354 --> 00:19:46,554
It's a mindset, right?
301
00:19:46,556 --> 00:19:48,676
Okay.
I'll see you
tomorrow.
302
00:19:53,497 --> 00:19:55,964
Anything she wants.
303
00:19:55,966 --> 00:19:58,433
Huh?
Anything.
304
00:19:58,435 --> 00:20:02,304
Okay.
You realize that's
where we are, right?
305
00:20:02,306 --> 00:20:06,041
It's that bad?
306
00:20:06,043 --> 00:20:10,045
We run a company together.
Jesus Christ, where
the hell are you?
307
00:20:10,047 --> 00:20:11,646
Wait.
Uh, I thought
we were doing okay.
308
00:20:11,648 --> 00:20:14,249
We were doing okay in the '90s.
309
00:20:14,251 --> 00:20:17,419
Not so much now.
We're going to have to start
laying people off again.
310
00:20:17,421 --> 00:20:20,288
No, no.
311
00:20:20,290 --> 00:20:23,091
So, they thoughtI had this virusthat only cats get,
312
00:20:23,093 --> 00:20:26,361
but it turned out
to just be IBS.
313
00:20:26,363 --> 00:20:29,698
So I couldn't have any orgasms.
314
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:33,501
I was in the hospital
for three weeks.
315
00:20:35,638 --> 00:20:37,572
But I feel so much better now.
316
00:20:39,575 --> 00:20:43,011
That is so great, Alice.
317
00:20:43,013 --> 00:20:44,479
Should I just bring it in?
318
00:20:44,481 --> 00:20:47,615
Sure.
Pastrami's mine.
319
00:20:47,617 --> 00:20:50,318
Um, why don't we get
to your idea?
320
00:20:53,155 --> 00:20:55,724
Um, I want a talk show
with me as the host.
321
00:20:58,327 --> 00:21:01,596
Okay.Well, it wouldn't, uh,be our first foray
322
00:21:01,598 --> 00:21:03,531
into vanity programming.
That's true.
323
00:21:03,533 --> 00:21:06,034
Last year we did
that hobby show.
324
00:21:06,036 --> 00:21:07,769
I think Alice
wants to take over
for Oprah.
325
00:21:07,771 --> 00:21:11,539
Oh, good deal.
That's crazy.
326
00:21:11,541 --> 00:21:14,142
So, you want to talk
about current events?
327
00:21:14,144 --> 00:21:16,378
No.
328
00:21:16,380 --> 00:21:19,080
A show with guests
and do interviews?
329
00:21:19,082 --> 00:21:22,083
No.
What kind of stuff
do you want to talk about?
330
00:21:23,619 --> 00:21:26,321
Me.
331
00:21:26,323 --> 00:21:29,057
I'm still not getting
what the show is going
to be.
332
00:21:29,059 --> 00:21:33,728
Let me, Deb.
Um, Alice directing,
shooting, editing,
333
00:21:33,730 --> 00:21:37,232
sets, costume design,
hair and makeup.
Yeah.
I want all that.
334
00:21:37,234 --> 00:21:39,267
All these things add up
335
00:21:39,269 --> 00:21:41,569
to making, creating
your own show extremely
expensive.
336
00:21:41,571 --> 00:21:44,205
Yeah, particularly
when you're not offsetting
those costs
337
00:21:44,207 --> 00:21:46,474
with income
from selling products.
338
00:21:46,476 --> 00:21:48,209
Are we talking
about a half hour or...
339
00:21:48,211 --> 00:21:50,211
Two hours.
340
00:21:50,213 --> 00:21:52,247
How much would that cost?
341
00:21:52,249 --> 00:21:54,482
Two hours.
342
00:21:54,484 --> 00:21:56,618
You're looking
at $100,000 an episode.
343
00:21:56,620 --> 00:21:59,320
It's more like 150.
344
00:22:03,826 --> 00:22:06,594
And that times
a hundred would be...
345
00:22:08,197 --> 00:22:10,432
That's $15 million.
346
00:22:10,434 --> 00:22:12,600
$15 million.
347
00:22:21,110 --> 00:22:22,811
My business stuff.
348
00:22:42,698 --> 00:22:45,600
Oh, and I want to come in
on a swan boat.
349
00:22:56,145 --> 00:22:57,779
$15 million.
350
00:22:57,781 --> 00:23:00,615
Guys, we're doing this.
351
00:23:00,617 --> 00:23:02,617
$15 million.
352
00:23:02,619 --> 00:23:05,120
Yes.
Come on,
it'll be fun.
353
00:23:05,122 --> 00:23:06,621
Like a nervous
breakdown is fun?
354
00:23:06,623 --> 00:23:09,791
Dawn, everyone, we do this show
355
00:23:09,793 --> 00:23:12,293
or we start
laying people off again.
356
00:23:12,295 --> 00:23:15,330
Have you thought about
how this is going to affect
the other brands?
357
00:23:15,332 --> 00:23:18,333
Well, Live Alchemy
hasn't turned a profit
in two and a half years.
358
00:23:18,335 --> 00:23:21,736
Same with
Viva Ceramica, San Tropez,Neo Regenerative.
359
00:23:21,738 --> 00:23:24,606
Neo Regenerative has
never turned a profit.
Neo Regenetif.
360
00:23:24,608 --> 00:23:26,808
Is that how
you say it?
It's French.
361
00:23:26,810 --> 00:23:30,678
Here's the deal.
We are dead in the water
without this woman.
362
00:23:53,769 --> 00:23:56,471
The almonds.
363
00:23:56,473 --> 00:23:58,273
All right, leave
the almonds on the floor.
364
00:23:58,275 --> 00:24:00,275
I can clean them up
after the session.
365
00:24:00,277 --> 00:24:02,310
Would it make you feel better
if you were eating, too?
366
00:24:02,312 --> 00:24:04,546
This eating
is not working for me.
367
00:24:04,548 --> 00:24:07,182
The food
is distracting
from the work.
368
00:24:07,184 --> 00:24:09,918
I have to eat because
of my new relationship
with glucose.
369
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,787
All right.
You can have
a snack at five of two
370
00:24:12,789 --> 00:24:14,489
and another one
at 2:50.
371
00:24:14,491 --> 00:24:16,611
Please stop eating in session.
372
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,769
So, like Oprah,
but with a swan boat.
373
00:24:27,771 --> 00:24:30,572
Talk show.
Uh-huh.
374
00:24:30,574 --> 00:24:32,340
Hosted by...
375
00:24:32,342 --> 00:24:34,309
Me.
376
00:24:34,311 --> 00:24:37,545
Hosted by you.
Yeah.
377
00:24:37,547 --> 00:24:40,582
All right.
Well, how about
a little recap?
378
00:24:40,584 --> 00:24:43,785
In case you missed
last week's episode
of the Alice Klieg Show...
379
00:24:43,787 --> 00:24:45,620
That's not what it's called.
380
00:24:45,622 --> 00:24:48,556
That's not the name of it.
381
00:24:48,558 --> 00:24:53,228
You're off your meds,
you just spent $15 million,
382
00:24:53,230 --> 00:24:55,430
you're living
in a reservation casino,
383
00:24:55,432 --> 00:24:57,792
and you're hosting
your own talk show.
384
00:25:00,402 --> 00:25:03,438
I thought
I asked you
not to eat.
385
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,505
It's a banana.
386
00:25:06,475 --> 00:25:08,743
It's in its own container.
387
00:25:10,279 --> 00:25:11,646
I come out
388
00:25:11,648 --> 00:25:12,880
on the swan boat.
389
00:25:27,396 --> 00:25:29,597
And then I talk about myself.
390
00:25:32,368 --> 00:25:36,704
Is there a show that's
kind of like what you want
your show to be?
391
00:25:36,706 --> 00:25:39,007
Oprah.
392
00:25:39,009 --> 00:25:41,542
So, maybe
we should watch
some old Oprahs
393
00:25:41,544 --> 00:25:44,946
and pay special attention
to how each show
has a topic.
394
00:25:44,948 --> 00:25:47,348
I have a topic.
Which is?
395
00:25:47,350 --> 00:25:49,717
Me.
396
00:25:49,719 --> 00:25:53,388
What does that mean?
You know,
just what I love.
397
00:25:53,390 --> 00:25:55,757
My hopes, my dreams.
What I like to eat.
398
00:25:55,759 --> 00:25:59,060
Who I think is a cunt.
My spirituality.
399
00:26:00,562 --> 00:26:02,897
Me.
400
00:26:02,899 --> 00:26:05,633
We need to figure out
how to break this down
into segments.
401
00:26:05,635 --> 00:26:08,503
This is going
be live.
Yeah, okay.
402
00:26:08,505 --> 00:26:11,005
Well, um, we have
regulating your moods
403
00:26:11,007 --> 00:26:12,874
with a high protein lifestyle.
404
00:26:12,876 --> 00:26:16,778
Oh, um,
I want to do
a reenactment.
405
00:26:16,780 --> 00:26:18,646
About what?
406
00:26:18,648 --> 00:26:21,049
Jordana.
Jordana who?
407
00:26:21,051 --> 00:26:24,719
Jordana Spangler.
Who is Jordana Spangler?
408
00:26:30,392 --> 00:26:31,426
A liar.
409
00:26:38,767 --> 00:26:40,568
Donna Keever.
410
00:26:43,072 --> 00:26:45,039
We'll be right with you.
411
00:26:45,041 --> 00:26:47,041
Alice's.
Huh?
412
00:26:47,043 --> 00:26:49,777
For the reenactments.
Oh, right.
Where is she?
413
00:26:49,779 --> 00:26:51,699
In the booth,
recording her theme song.
414
00:27:00,956 --> 00:27:03,491
You should hear
these segment ideas.
415
00:27:03,493 --> 00:27:06,427
"Matching Colorsto Emotions."Okay.What else?
416
00:27:06,429 --> 00:27:08,629
"To Be a Woman."
That one's a song.
417
00:27:08,631 --> 00:27:11,099
Something called
"I Can Still Smell You."
418
00:27:11,101 --> 00:27:13,901
"Lucky Foods",
"You Got Everything,
I Got Nothing."
419
00:27:13,903 --> 00:27:17,438
Can we please, um,
talk about this?
420
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,074
Talk about what?
421
00:27:20,076 --> 00:27:23,077
I don't feel great
about where this is going.
422
00:27:23,079 --> 00:27:25,646
How do you feel
about where this is going?
423
00:27:30,586 --> 00:27:33,746
I'm glad
we got to do this.
I got work to do.
424
00:27:46,902 --> 00:27:49,103
Poor sad eyes.
425
00:27:49,105 --> 00:27:51,265
I miss being around dogs.
426
00:27:59,548 --> 00:28:01,516
I'll take Godzilla over here.
427
00:28:01,518 --> 00:28:02,950
Get in.
428
00:28:13,762 --> 00:28:15,322
You want to talk camera?
429
00:28:16,532 --> 00:28:18,933
That's the zoom.
That's the focus.
430
00:28:18,935 --> 00:28:20,635
Here's the pan.
431
00:28:22,671 --> 00:28:24,751
Yeah?
And the tilt.
432
00:28:29,711 --> 00:28:31,446
And up here's the tally light.
433
00:28:31,448 --> 00:28:33,080
When that's on,
you know it's recording.
434
00:28:33,082 --> 00:28:37,084
Do you want
to have dinner?
I can't.
435
00:28:37,086 --> 00:28:39,187
Can it be a work dinner?
436
00:28:39,189 --> 00:28:41,789
Can it not be a work dinner?
437
00:28:48,564 --> 00:28:50,832
It's just
a restraining order.
It's not a big deal.
438
00:28:52,501 --> 00:28:55,136
Sounds like cops.
It's real.
439
00:28:55,138 --> 00:28:57,839
I can't go
within 50 feet of her.
440
00:28:57,841 --> 00:28:59,874
Or Souplantation.
441
00:29:02,611 --> 00:29:05,079
I've been divorced twice.
442
00:29:05,081 --> 00:29:07,548
Really?
443
00:29:07,550 --> 00:29:09,717
Yeah.
444
00:29:09,719 --> 00:29:11,759
Not twice.
I mean three times.
445
00:29:13,155 --> 00:29:15,189
I, uh, I love too much.
446
00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:20,695
Aw.
It's not a good thing.
447
00:29:23,131 --> 00:29:25,451
I have a swing over my bed.
448
00:29:26,668 --> 00:29:28,669
I mean, I...
449
00:29:28,671 --> 00:29:32,573
I used to, uh...
It's in the garage now.
450
00:29:32,575 --> 00:29:34,275
Can I make an observation?
451
00:29:36,078 --> 00:29:37,712
Sure.
452
00:29:37,714 --> 00:29:39,514
I want you to fuck me so bad.
453
00:29:47,856 --> 00:29:49,524
Hang over.
454
00:30:00,736 --> 00:30:01,769
Hey.
455
00:30:13,815 --> 00:30:15,815
I'm going in there, you guys.
456
00:30:19,755 --> 00:30:21,589
Alice?
457
00:30:21,591 --> 00:30:23,658
We need you in hair and makeup.
458
00:30:23,660 --> 00:30:25,826
We're all very proud of you.
459
00:30:28,030 --> 00:30:29,664
Me, too.
460
00:30:29,666 --> 00:30:32,800
You are ready.
461
00:30:32,802 --> 00:30:35,269
You are beautiful.
462
00:30:35,271 --> 00:30:37,939
You are great.
463
00:30:37,941 --> 00:30:40,174
You are nice.
In frontof the, uh, lips.
464
00:30:43,078 --> 00:30:44,979
You are edible.
465
00:30:52,187 --> 00:30:54,689
This is the best
I can do for you, honey.
466
00:30:57,593 --> 00:30:59,226
You should go now, Alice.
467
00:30:59,228 --> 00:31:00,928
Good luck.
468
00:31:00,930 --> 00:31:03,331
It's not about luck.
Okay.
469
00:31:06,902 --> 00:31:08,736
Thirty seconds to air.
470
00:31:08,738 --> 00:31:10,271
Camera two to your mark.
471
00:31:13,308 --> 00:31:17,078
Does anyone knowwhere she is?We need her in the bird.
472
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,181
- We need to get you in the bird.
- Okay, Grace has got her.
473
00:31:20,183 --> 00:31:22,984
An Aeroknife,no force or strengthor pressure.
474
00:31:22,986 --> 00:31:25,019
She's doing the best she can.
475
00:31:25,021 --> 00:31:27,054
Do you have any questions?
476
00:31:27,056 --> 00:31:28,956
Yeah, when people see me on TV,
477
00:31:28,958 --> 00:31:31,158
is my face switched around
or on the right side?
478
00:31:33,295 --> 00:31:34,996
You're going
to look great.
Thanks.
479
00:31:34,998 --> 00:31:36,163
Have fun.
480
00:31:44,406 --> 00:31:48,676
We go live
in five, four, three.
481
00:31:48,678 --> 00:31:51,045
Everybody, she is on her way.
482
00:32:04,393 --> 00:32:06,160
From Palm Desert, California,
483
00:32:06,162 --> 00:32:09,697
New Vibrance Studios,it's Welcome To Me,
484
00:32:09,699 --> 00:32:12,199
with your host, Alice Klieg.
485
00:32:48,470 --> 00:32:50,237
What is she doing?
486
00:32:50,239 --> 00:32:52,599
I think she's a little frozen.
487
00:32:57,913 --> 00:33:01,716
Come on.
Say something, Alice.
Say something.
488
00:33:07,089 --> 00:33:08,189
You're on TV now.
489
00:33:12,461 --> 00:33:15,262
Hello.
I'm Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
490
00:33:19,367 --> 00:33:21,736
And so it begins.
491
00:33:23,505 --> 00:33:25,940
Lose it.
Twenty to the insert.
492
00:33:31,079 --> 00:33:33,314
This morning I woke up
and there was a pubic hair
on my pillow
493
00:33:33,316 --> 00:33:35,950
shaped like a question mark.
494
00:33:35,952 --> 00:33:38,953
And it reallygot me thinkingof unanswered questions.
495
00:33:38,955 --> 00:33:43,758
Like all the times in my life
when I was supposed to feel
something, but I felt nothing.
496
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:47,094
And all the other times
in my life where I wasn't
supposed to feel anything,
497
00:33:47,096 --> 00:33:49,830
but I felt too much,
and the people around me
498
00:33:49,832 --> 00:33:51,799
weren't really ready
for all of my feelings.
499
00:33:51,801 --> 00:33:54,368
How many episodes did she buy?
500
00:33:54,370 --> 00:33:56,537
To me, it's worse than heroin.
501
00:33:56,539 --> 00:33:59,840
Worse than any
childhood sexual abuse.
You name it.
502
00:33:59,842 --> 00:34:02,209
It wasn't until
I got off the sugar wheel
503
00:34:02,211 --> 00:34:04,912
that I really
took control of my life
for the first time.
504
00:34:04,914 --> 00:34:06,881
Then I went off my meds.
505
00:34:06,883 --> 00:34:09,283
Grape tomatoes.
They're low glycemic...
506
00:34:09,285 --> 00:34:10,985
Did you know that?
507
00:34:13,455 --> 00:34:16,957
Ladies and gentlemen,
meatloaf cake with mashed
sweet potato icing.
508
00:34:16,959 --> 00:34:21,061
With only 433 calories,
52 grams of protein,
509
00:34:21,063 --> 00:34:23,430
and only five carbohydrants.
510
00:34:23,432 --> 00:34:26,066
I think I'm going
to have a slice.
511
00:34:26,068 --> 00:34:28,869
Is it carbohydrates
or carbohydrants?
512
00:34:28,871 --> 00:34:30,805
It's carbohydrates.
513
00:34:49,591 --> 00:34:53,394
What's the next piece?
No, we're on this
for a while.
514
00:34:53,396 --> 00:34:56,530
Can Frank tell her
to move it along?
515
00:34:56,532 --> 00:34:59,200
No, this iswhat she wanted.She wanted to...
516
00:34:59,202 --> 00:35:01,302
She wanted to sit and eat
the cake for an hour?
Yes.
517
00:35:01,304 --> 00:35:04,464
Not an hour.
I think it's a good
five minutes, though.
518
00:35:11,513 --> 00:35:13,380
Mm.
519
00:35:14,616 --> 00:35:16,917
So good.
520
00:35:20,889 --> 00:35:23,257
Sometimes
I really wonder
about people.
521
00:35:23,259 --> 00:35:26,894
Whether they stop maturing
emotionally because
of a traumatic event,
522
00:35:26,896 --> 00:35:29,129
maybe a birth defect.
523
00:35:29,131 --> 00:35:31,632
We may never know
what twisted the soul
of the daughter
524
00:35:31,634 --> 00:35:36,003
of a California dentist,
and to the cruel and malicious
betrayer she became.
525
00:35:36,005 --> 00:35:38,472
Come with me.I want to show yousomething.
526
00:35:38,474 --> 00:35:41,074
I'm goingto ride my bike.Come, tag along.
527
00:35:45,046 --> 00:35:47,948
Your sandwich
has Cheddar cheese,
528
00:35:47,950 --> 00:35:50,517
also lettuce
and some mayonnaise.
529
00:35:50,519 --> 00:35:53,053
Good, good.
That's what I want.
530
00:35:53,055 --> 00:35:57,324
Now, in the manner of girls,
let's share some secrets.
You start.
531
00:35:57,326 --> 00:36:00,628
What a relief.
Now I can let
my hair down.
532
00:36:00,630 --> 00:36:03,297
And by hair I mean
defense mechanisms.
533
00:36:03,299 --> 00:36:07,368
And now that you feel safe,
you can tell me anything.
534
00:36:07,370 --> 00:36:12,172
When I was 19, I went to live
with a minister and his family
as an exchange student.
535
00:36:12,174 --> 00:36:15,509
One day we went to the zoo
and I saw a swan choke
on a pretzel bite
536
00:36:15,511 --> 00:36:17,444
before my very eyes.
537
00:36:17,446 --> 00:36:19,480
You told
everyone at school
I was borderline.
538
00:36:19,482 --> 00:36:22,016
And when I asked you,
you denied telling anyone.
539
00:36:22,018 --> 00:36:25,185
But every single person
that I talked to told me
that you said I was.
540
00:36:25,187 --> 00:36:27,187
Everythingwas differentafter that.
541
00:36:27,189 --> 00:36:29,256
And it really hurt me.
542
00:36:57,552 --> 00:36:59,720
Fuck you to death, Jordana.
543
00:37:04,025 --> 00:37:05,625
Why did it end like that?
544
00:37:07,195 --> 00:37:09,330
We have
a few bumps
to iron out.
545
00:37:09,332 --> 00:37:11,732
Why does it look
so inexpensive?
546
00:37:11,734 --> 00:37:15,269
Well, Alice,
we-we got you up
and running pretty quickly,
547
00:37:15,271 --> 00:37:18,238
so we're still
trying to...
And why doesn't itlook like Oprah?
548
00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:21,475
Because you ate a cakemade out of hamburgerand started crying.
549
00:37:21,477 --> 00:37:25,145
Oprah had the highest
production values
in the business.
550
00:37:25,147 --> 00:37:29,483
She had the best graphics,
the best lighting, sets, sound.
She had everything.
551
00:37:29,485 --> 00:37:31,652
I'd like that.
552
00:37:34,356 --> 00:37:36,357
This is all doable.
553
00:37:36,359 --> 00:37:38,625
Oh, I want a new opening,
554
00:37:38,627 --> 00:37:41,528
and a new Alice.
555
00:37:41,530 --> 00:37:43,130
And I'd like more swans, too.
556
00:37:43,132 --> 00:37:44,631
I can bring those from home.
557
00:37:44,633 --> 00:37:48,035
Yeah.
I want to talk
to people.
558
00:37:48,037 --> 00:37:50,337
You know, like Larry King.
559
00:37:50,339 --> 00:37:53,259
What was wrong with the girl
who played you?
She just wasn't me.
560
00:37:56,277 --> 00:37:58,517
Can someone give me a lift?
561
00:37:59,014 --> 00:38:00,514
Sure.
562
00:38:08,456 --> 00:38:11,025
I don't even know
where to begin.
Really.
563
00:38:11,027 --> 00:38:13,660
Why don't we try
to get the swans?
564
00:38:13,662 --> 00:38:15,729
She has them at home.
She said she's bringing...
565
00:38:15,731 --> 00:38:18,399
I'm not buying
one fucking swan.
566
00:38:22,405 --> 00:38:24,405
You left the TV on.
567
00:38:24,407 --> 00:38:26,447
It's been on for 11 years.
568
00:38:30,178 --> 00:38:33,213
I should have them
take you to the studio.
569
00:38:34,750 --> 00:38:37,051
Thanks for driving me.
570
00:38:37,053 --> 00:38:39,573
This is my old house
from when I was a different
person.
571
00:38:50,198 --> 00:38:53,801
Uh, I see you, uh,
got everything by color.
572
00:38:55,804 --> 00:38:59,406
Colors help me keep
my emotions separate.
573
00:38:59,408 --> 00:39:01,542
Yeah, I can never keep
my emotions separate.
574
00:39:16,124 --> 00:39:18,044
Have you ever done it in a bag?
575
00:39:19,594 --> 00:39:21,328
No.
576
00:39:25,467 --> 00:39:28,502
Shall I take this off?
No, no.
577
00:39:35,310 --> 00:39:37,711
If you're embarrassed
about your feet,
578
00:39:37,713 --> 00:39:41,748
tired of tearing pantyhose,or sick of messy scrapersthat hurt,
579
00:39:41,750 --> 00:39:45,385
then you need Ped Egg,the number one sellingultimate way...
580
00:40:10,278 --> 00:40:12,958
Good morning.
My name is Alice Klieg,
and Welcome To Me.
581
00:40:15,783 --> 00:40:19,286
Live from New Vibrance Studios
in Palm Desert, California,
582
00:40:19,288 --> 00:40:21,788
it's Welcome To Me.
583
00:40:21,790 --> 00:40:24,191
With your host, Alice Klieg.
584
00:40:26,495 --> 00:40:29,296
That corn is pretty.
585
00:40:29,298 --> 00:40:31,632
Let's get ready
to track and dissolve.
586
00:40:40,608 --> 00:40:43,610
Ooh, water.
Thank you, baby.
587
00:40:43,612 --> 00:40:45,846
No problem, baby.
It's all working for you.
588
00:40:48,783 --> 00:40:50,951
And rotate set.
589
00:40:58,259 --> 00:41:01,328
Come with me.
Enjoy another time
that happened to me.
590
00:41:15,910 --> 00:41:17,411
Big Bear, 1991.
591
00:41:22,317 --> 00:41:24,318
Thief!
592
00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:25,886
Keep going.
593
00:41:28,756 --> 00:41:30,657
Buy your own makeup,
Josie Gaston.
594
00:41:30,659 --> 00:41:32,593
Yes.
595
00:41:35,296 --> 00:41:37,764
Oh, my gosh.
596
00:41:40,535 --> 00:41:43,670
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag.
597
00:41:43,672 --> 00:41:46,540
Really loud.
You have to yell.
Yell it.
598
00:41:46,542 --> 00:41:47,975
Someone!
599
00:41:51,580 --> 00:41:54,881
Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag!
600
00:41:54,883 --> 00:41:56,817
How in this world.
601
00:41:56,819 --> 00:41:59,319
How in this world
602
00:41:59,321 --> 00:42:04,591
someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag!
603
00:42:04,593 --> 00:42:07,027
She's got problems.
604
00:42:07,029 --> 00:42:09,630
I know, it's very upsetting.
I was very upset.
605
00:42:09,632 --> 00:42:12,899
I cried for so many days.
606
00:42:20,642 --> 00:42:22,743
You said Bill
looked like a drug addict
607
00:42:22,745 --> 00:42:25,579
and that he had no business
working around people.
608
00:42:25,581 --> 00:42:27,314
Her Mom is kicking her ass.
609
00:42:27,316 --> 00:42:29,716
But she's not paying
attention, clearly.
610
00:42:29,718 --> 00:42:32,519
You remember
what you want to remember.
611
00:42:35,291 --> 00:42:37,858
Now we're all paying attention.
612
00:42:37,860 --> 00:42:40,961
Grape tomatoes.They're low glycemicand full of phytonutrients.
613
00:42:40,963 --> 00:42:43,363
Alice?
Yes, hi.
Thanks for calling.
614
00:42:43,365 --> 00:42:45,799
- I think you're a genius.
- You do?
615
00:42:45,801 --> 00:42:48,835
Yeah.
Um, I attended
your last show, actually.
616
00:42:48,837 --> 00:42:50,637
Godzilla, come here.
617
00:42:50,639 --> 00:42:52,372
Godzilla, come here.
618
00:42:56,010 --> 00:42:57,744
That's for menopause.
619
00:42:57,746 --> 00:42:59,746
I like it.
620
00:42:59,748 --> 00:43:02,015
Why don't you get
a titty-kini?
621
00:43:02,017 --> 00:43:04,017
I look horrible in those.
622
00:43:04,019 --> 00:43:06,320
What do you mean
you're not a bikini type?
623
00:43:06,322 --> 00:43:10,991
You know.
Bikini types.
One piece types.
624
00:43:10,993 --> 00:43:13,560
You got it all wrong, Gina.
625
00:43:13,562 --> 00:43:16,096
If you want to weara two-piece, the decisionlies with you.
626
00:43:16,098 --> 00:43:18,932
And nobody has the right
to tell you otherwise.
627
00:43:18,934 --> 00:43:21,768
Come on, love yourself.
628
00:43:21,770 --> 00:43:23,870
I sure do.
629
00:43:23,872 --> 00:43:25,539
Oh.
630
00:43:25,541 --> 00:43:27,474
This is the one I chose.
631
00:43:39,787 --> 00:43:41,955
Nothing.
Nothing.
632
00:43:41,957 --> 00:43:43,890
There are two times in my life
633
00:43:43,892 --> 00:43:45,792
I've performed oral sex
on a man twice my age.
634
00:43:45,794 --> 00:43:47,194
Jesus.
Whoa.
635
00:43:49,564 --> 00:43:52,499
And that's when I found out
you were a hermaphrodite.
636
00:43:52,501 --> 00:43:55,769
Oh.
You're a liar,Jordana Spangler.
637
00:43:55,771 --> 00:43:58,538
You're on TV.I don't wantto be on TV.
638
00:43:58,540 --> 00:44:00,807
Everybody wants to be on TV.
639
00:44:00,809 --> 00:44:04,611
Not everyone is
an emotional exhibitionist.
640
00:44:14,088 --> 00:44:17,090
Good morning.My name is Alice Klieg,and Welcome To Me.
641
00:44:17,092 --> 00:44:19,493
Welcome To Me.Welcome To Me.Me, me, me.
642
00:44:19,495 --> 00:44:20,994
And Welcome To Me.
643
00:44:26,735 --> 00:44:29,136
I knew if I bit him again,
he would beat me.
644
00:44:29,138 --> 00:44:33,173
And I don't mean, like,
on Thanksgiving, you know,
645
00:44:33,175 --> 00:44:35,108
like a sexy beating.
646
00:44:35,110 --> 00:44:38,845
I mean like a real beating.
647
00:44:38,847 --> 00:44:41,815
He would say,"That's just how we do thingsin Gaithersburg, Maryland."
648
00:44:41,817 --> 00:44:43,950
Like he was Mr. Big Man,
and he really wasn't.
649
00:44:46,988 --> 00:44:50,690
I was a superior wrestler,
even though I didn't have
the training he did.
650
00:45:19,020 --> 00:45:21,988
I should let you know
651
00:45:21,990 --> 00:45:27,027
that I tried to have you put
on psychiatric hold last week.
And what is that?
652
00:45:27,029 --> 00:45:30,349
It means having youinvoluntarily committedfor an observation period.
653
00:45:35,203 --> 00:45:38,171
Oh.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
654
00:45:38,173 --> 00:45:41,875
I'm very worried about you.
655
00:45:41,877 --> 00:45:45,178
I feel like you are
a danger to yourself.
656
00:45:45,180 --> 00:45:47,214
Maybe I'm not
where you think I am.
657
00:45:51,252 --> 00:45:54,087
I'm going to read
a list of symptoms
658
00:45:54,089 --> 00:45:57,224
common to people
getting off of Abilify.
659
00:45:57,226 --> 00:45:59,993
Tell me if you areexperiencing anyof this, okay?
660
00:45:59,995 --> 00:46:02,863
Do you have anything to say
661
00:46:02,865 --> 00:46:05,899
before you are sentenced?
662
00:46:05,901 --> 00:46:08,869
I am innocent.
Ha.
663
00:46:08,871 --> 00:46:13,006
But your wantonness
and perversion
664
00:46:13,008 --> 00:46:17,077
have threatened
the sanctity of Canada.
665
00:46:17,079 --> 00:46:21,181
But I never asked
for these or this.
666
00:46:21,183 --> 00:46:26,786
Alice Klieg,
you are found guilty.
667
00:46:26,788 --> 00:46:28,989
Guilty, guilty.
668
00:46:28,991 --> 00:46:30,757
No.
669
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:34,127
Mama.
670
00:46:34,129 --> 00:46:36,596
It's so dark.
671
00:46:36,598 --> 00:46:39,799
Mama.I can seethe pommel horse, mama.
672
00:46:42,670 --> 00:46:45,171
Yeah, yeah, I got Alice.
673
00:46:45,173 --> 00:46:46,373
Yeah, copy that.
674
00:46:50,044 --> 00:46:51,645
Miss Klieg.
675
00:46:53,581 --> 00:46:55,081
Who are you?
676
00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:56,950
Hi.
Um, I'm Rainer.
677
00:46:56,952 --> 00:46:58,919
I actually called
during your last show.
678
00:46:58,921 --> 00:47:01,254
I remember.
Yeah.
679
00:47:01,256 --> 00:47:04,658
I just want to say
I thought this was,
like, your best show yet.
680
00:47:04,660 --> 00:47:07,928
Really?
Yeah, you should do,
like, five shows a week.
681
00:47:07,930 --> 00:47:10,931
I hate waiting.
Like Oprah.
682
00:47:10,933 --> 00:47:13,133
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm writing this paper
about you,
683
00:47:13,135 --> 00:47:15,635
about your invention
of the narrative infomercial,
684
00:47:15,637 --> 00:47:18,805
and I was wondering
if maybe you would want
to be interviewed.
685
00:47:18,807 --> 00:47:21,107
Okay.
Yeah?
686
00:47:23,611 --> 00:47:25,579
Same stuff here.
687
00:47:32,753 --> 00:47:35,221
Hey, Alice.
Guess what.
688
00:47:35,223 --> 00:47:39,025
They picked up my showfor five days a week.
Wow, that's great.
689
00:47:39,027 --> 00:47:42,028
And I'm recording my song
with a European orchestra,
690
00:47:42,030 --> 00:47:44,764
and they're studying me
in school.
691
00:47:44,766 --> 00:47:46,633
This grad student
came to my show.
692
00:47:46,635 --> 00:47:48,168
He was wearing a tuxedo.
693
00:47:48,170 --> 00:47:51,104
That's, um, so great, Alice.
694
00:47:51,106 --> 00:47:53,206
It just, you know,
for the record,
695
00:47:53,208 --> 00:47:57,110
I just want
to say that I don't...
I don't like bikinis.
696
00:47:57,112 --> 00:47:59,779
It's not that I thinkthat I'm fat or anything.I just I don't...
697
00:47:59,781 --> 00:48:02,282
They're ready to start.
You know what?
I got to go.
698
00:48:02,284 --> 00:48:04,017
Sorry, I'm at work.
Okay.
699
00:48:04,019 --> 00:48:05,619
Oh.
700
00:48:08,789 --> 00:48:12,892
Ooh, Cindy Sherman.
701
00:48:12,894 --> 00:48:15,061
Yeah, from Laverneand Shirley?
702
00:48:15,063 --> 00:48:17,764
No, no.
She's a photographer.
703
00:48:17,766 --> 00:48:20,000
Oh.
Wow.
704
00:48:20,002 --> 00:48:22,335
Man, the fact
that you don't know
who she is,
705
00:48:22,337 --> 00:48:25,372
makes you, like,
75 million times more radical
than you already are.
706
00:48:25,374 --> 00:48:28,808
Uh, do you mind
if I...
No
Not at all.
707
00:48:28,810 --> 00:48:30,977
I love your facial expressions.
708
00:48:30,979 --> 00:48:33,213
Well, thank you.
709
00:48:33,215 --> 00:48:35,982
I've never been
interviewed before.
710
00:48:35,984 --> 00:48:38,785
Well, yeah, cheers.
Congratulations.
711
00:48:44,091 --> 00:48:46,259
Oh, is it not good?
I don't drink.
712
00:48:46,261 --> 00:48:49,829
Oh, cool.
Um, so,
I'm interviewing you
713
00:48:49,831 --> 00:48:52,432
for this class
that I'm in right now
called Memoir in Performance,
714
00:48:52,434 --> 00:48:54,834
and when I saw
your reenactments...
I love you.
715
00:48:58,139 --> 00:49:02,042
Uh, I love the way
that you play
with gender
716
00:49:02,044 --> 00:49:06,246
and race and time
and perception
in your work.
717
00:49:06,248 --> 00:49:09,449
I'm just wondering,
what's behind the color-blind
casting for you?
718
00:49:09,451 --> 00:49:12,952
Oh, you mean the skier
in "Someone's been tampering
with my makeup bag?"
719
00:49:12,954 --> 00:49:16,222
Yeah.
She was
the prettiest that day.
720
00:49:16,224 --> 00:49:19,459
I was prettier back then.
721
00:49:19,461 --> 00:49:22,729
Do you think I'm pretty now?
722
00:49:22,731 --> 00:49:25,031
- That's what you said.
- I said...
723
00:49:27,402 --> 00:49:30,136
It's got 170,000 hits already.
724
00:49:30,138 --> 00:49:32,138
How did you know I was on here?
725
00:49:32,140 --> 00:49:34,274
I'm monitoring
your web presence.
726
00:49:34,276 --> 00:49:38,311
You've got
some copycats, too.
But they're not you.
727
00:49:43,851 --> 00:49:46,886
I don't feel so good.
728
00:49:46,888 --> 00:49:49,022
You're not supposed
to swallow it.
729
00:49:49,024 --> 00:49:51,391
Am I supposed to swallow you?
730
00:49:55,029 --> 00:49:56,262
Alice.
731
00:50:27,394 --> 00:50:29,229
Birth.
732
00:50:29,231 --> 00:50:31,164
Purpose.
733
00:50:31,166 --> 00:50:32,999
Destiny.
734
00:50:33,001 --> 00:50:35,802
Intention.
735
00:50:35,804 --> 00:50:37,904
Oprah Winfrey.
736
00:50:37,906 --> 00:50:40,039
From the early days
of television,
737
00:50:40,041 --> 00:50:43,076
there has beenan unbroken lineof sharing,
738
00:50:43,078 --> 00:50:45,979
showing, and growing.
739
00:50:45,981 --> 00:50:49,215
Thank you for choosing
Welcome To Me.
740
00:50:49,217 --> 00:50:52,786
Fasten your safety belts
and prepare for take-off.
741
00:50:54,555 --> 00:50:58,057
And now, your host,
Alice Klieg.
742
00:51:13,874 --> 00:51:17,010
Alice?
Are you still there?
743
00:51:17,012 --> 00:51:21,815
Yeah, I'm here.
I hear, uh, noisesin the background there.
744
00:51:21,817 --> 00:51:25,084
Oh, I'm at the airport.
Where are you flying to?
745
00:51:25,086 --> 00:51:27,887
Oh, I'm not.I just... I hadto mail something.
746
00:51:27,889 --> 00:51:29,923
Okay.
747
00:51:29,925 --> 00:51:33,092
So, are you planning
on seeing, um,
748
00:51:33,094 --> 00:51:35,862
his name...
Rainer?
749
00:51:35,864 --> 00:51:38,104
Are you s...Are you planningon seeing Rainer again?
750
00:51:41,035 --> 00:51:42,235
Hello?
751
00:51:47,074 --> 00:51:49,342
I want you to knowI'm not mad at youanymore.
752
00:51:49,344 --> 00:51:52,011
About what?Remember the other daywhen you yelled at me?
753
00:51:52,013 --> 00:51:56,516
I didn't...Alice, please reconsidergetting back on your regimen.
754
00:51:56,518 --> 00:51:59,953
If it's a dosage thing,we can figure it out,make adjustments.
755
00:51:59,955 --> 00:52:01,988
Okay, our time is up.
756
00:52:10,297 --> 00:52:13,366
We've got
red kidney beans,
ground beef,
757
00:52:13,368 --> 00:52:16,402
low sugar
tomato sauce,
herbs and spices,
758
00:52:16,404 --> 00:52:20,273
bringing us in at onlynine grams of carbohydrantsper serving.
759
00:52:20,275 --> 00:52:22,155
Now, that's a low
glycemic meal.
760
00:52:26,080 --> 00:52:28,882
Whew.
761
00:52:28,884 --> 00:52:32,986
Dawn? Frank?
Can you see this?
Not really, Alice.
762
00:52:32,988 --> 00:52:36,356
Why don't you bring iton down so the audiencecan take a look?
763
00:52:36,358 --> 00:52:39,092
Good idea, baby.
No problem, baby.
764
00:52:43,498 --> 00:52:45,932
Oh, my God, I'm burning.
765
00:52:45,934 --> 00:52:48,167
Oh, my God.I'm burning.
Grace, go help her
get that off.
766
00:52:48,169 --> 00:52:51,471
Oh, my...
Get away from me.
767
00:52:51,473 --> 00:52:54,974
How did this happen?
Help me!
768
00:52:58,413 --> 00:53:00,580
Whose job is this?
769
00:53:00,582 --> 00:53:03,016
Help me!
Gabe!
770
00:53:05,185 --> 00:53:06,920
You should try Gabe again.
771
00:53:06,922 --> 00:53:08,655
I'll try him in a little bit.
772
00:53:08,657 --> 00:53:10,490
Did you tell him
I'm in the burn unit?
773
00:53:10,492 --> 00:53:13,159
Yeah, I already did.
774
00:53:13,161 --> 00:53:15,428
Will it be a lot of damage?
775
00:53:15,430 --> 00:53:19,065
Only second-degree burns.
776
00:53:19,067 --> 00:53:20,466
Why did this happen to me?
777
00:53:23,437 --> 00:53:25,438
Lady Gym is closing.
778
00:53:29,276 --> 00:53:31,077
Do you think
I should sue
the station?
779
00:53:33,380 --> 00:53:35,682
I lost my job.
780
00:53:35,684 --> 00:53:38,718
You'll find one.
781
00:53:38,720 --> 00:53:41,220
Oh, I can't feel my tits.
782
00:53:45,292 --> 00:53:47,493
Oh, don't go.
Please.
783
00:53:47,495 --> 00:53:50,363
I got to get
a few hours sleep
or I'll be useless tomorrow.
784
00:53:50,365 --> 00:53:52,131
I have
four interviews
lined up.
785
00:53:52,133 --> 00:53:54,100
Okay.
786
00:54:04,144 --> 00:54:08,114
Can someone please
turn my fucking TV on?
787
00:54:24,465 --> 00:54:27,633
You didn't answer
the front door.
That's right,
I didn't.
788
00:54:27,635 --> 00:54:29,669
I saw the show.
789
00:54:29,671 --> 00:54:32,238
Which one?
790
00:54:32,240 --> 00:54:34,440
The one that I was on.
791
00:54:36,677 --> 00:54:38,917
I should've let you know.
Yes, you should have.
792
00:54:41,382 --> 00:54:44,384
Where are you going?
793
00:54:44,386 --> 00:54:47,420
These are all well respecteddoctors, a couple of whomI know personally.
794
00:54:47,422 --> 00:54:49,622
They'd be happy to consider
taking you on as a patient.
795
00:54:49,624 --> 00:54:51,557
You're firing me?
I'm not firing you.
796
00:54:51,559 --> 00:54:54,799
I'm seeing
to my own safety.
You should try it.
797
00:54:56,330 --> 00:54:57,630
Daryl?
798
00:55:00,434 --> 00:55:02,235
Daryl?
799
00:55:02,237 --> 00:55:04,437
Come back.
800
00:55:11,712 --> 00:55:16,115
No, I'm just eating
a cheese sandwich.
801
00:55:17,251 --> 00:55:19,252
Alice.
802
00:55:20,354 --> 00:55:22,121
There she is.
803
00:55:22,123 --> 00:55:24,257
Welcome back.
Thanks.
804
00:55:24,259 --> 00:55:26,759
I've got something
that might cheer you up.
805
00:55:26,761 --> 00:55:28,828
Turn page 31.
806
00:55:28,830 --> 00:55:32,298
Not only did somebody
make the ratings,
807
00:55:32,300 --> 00:55:34,333
somebody beat
the Fresh Princeof Bel Air.
808
00:55:36,737 --> 00:55:40,306
And I just gota call from KPXNSan Bernardino.
809
00:55:40,308 --> 00:55:41,541
They want you
for a time-buy.
810
00:55:41,543 --> 00:55:44,343
Congrats, Alice.
811
00:55:44,345 --> 00:55:47,447
Thanks.
812
00:55:47,449 --> 00:55:49,582
So, what's on for Monday?
813
00:55:49,584 --> 00:55:51,417
I want to neuter a dog.
814
00:55:53,687 --> 00:55:55,688
On TV?
815
00:56:00,094 --> 00:56:02,361
Deb's walking.
Walking?
816
00:56:02,363 --> 00:56:04,330
Quitting.
817
00:56:04,332 --> 00:56:06,099
No, no, no, no.
818
00:56:09,470 --> 00:56:11,237
Deborah.
819
00:56:13,340 --> 00:56:15,274
She's a menace, Rich.
820
00:56:15,276 --> 00:56:17,276
I can't believe
you're letting her
come back.
821
00:56:17,278 --> 00:56:19,679
Oh, wait, yeah.
Of course I can.
822
00:56:19,681 --> 00:56:22,215
'Cause you are a greedy twat.
823
00:56:28,622 --> 00:56:30,456
She has a point.
824
00:56:33,627 --> 00:56:35,361
Go have fun
with your girlfriend.
825
00:56:37,297 --> 00:56:38,498
I'm done.
826
00:56:40,567 --> 00:56:42,502
Go home.
I'll finish up
with Alice.
827
00:56:42,504 --> 00:56:44,770
No, I mean
really done.
Go home, Gabe!
828
00:56:49,510 --> 00:56:50,610
You like being a bully?
829
00:56:52,913 --> 00:56:54,881
You seem
a little tense, Gabriel.
830
00:56:54,883 --> 00:56:57,043
Why don't you get married
and divorced again?
831
00:57:02,823 --> 00:57:06,225
She's rubbing off on you.
You don't respect me.
832
00:57:06,227 --> 00:57:08,361
You never have.
I want you to buy me out.
833
00:57:08,363 --> 00:57:11,831
Oh, you're so superior.
I'll have Barb
draw everything up.
834
00:57:17,371 --> 00:57:18,905
Jesus.
835
00:57:26,213 --> 00:57:29,182
I was a veterinary nurse
for six years,
836
00:57:29,184 --> 00:57:31,684
and assisted in hundreds
of these "pro-said-ures".
837
00:57:31,686 --> 00:57:35,621
Once again
the reckless copulation
838
00:57:35,623 --> 00:57:38,858
of our animal kingdom
leaves us with a "tis-nammi"
839
00:57:38,860 --> 00:57:42,295
of puppies and kitties.
840
00:57:42,297 --> 00:57:46,199
Over the next few weeks,
I plan to neuter my own pets,
841
00:57:46,201 --> 00:57:49,602
and any petsany viewers would liketo bring by the studio.
842
00:57:51,471 --> 00:57:53,973
It's a public service.
843
00:57:53,975 --> 00:57:56,876
As you can see,Godzilla is receivinga mixture of oxygen
844
00:57:56,878 --> 00:57:59,278
and isofluorine gas.
845
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:01,647
It's really important,
as you know, to remove
the hair
846
00:58:01,649 --> 00:58:04,317
from the penis and walnuts
before we begin.
847
00:58:04,319 --> 00:58:06,252
Let's castrate.
848
00:58:08,756 --> 00:58:10,356
First cut is the deepest.
849
00:58:13,560 --> 00:58:17,463
We're going to want
to remove the walnuts
850
00:58:17,465 --> 00:58:19,599
from the other tissue.
851
00:58:23,270 --> 00:58:25,504
Now I'm going to tie it off
with the monofilament.
852
00:58:30,611 --> 00:58:34,947
This is called
a subcuticular suture.
853
00:58:34,949 --> 00:58:38,718
And it's going to dissolvein case the doggie licksthe little wound.
854
00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:41,254
If you have a dog
that needs to be neutered...
855
00:58:43,323 --> 00:58:45,925
How are you doing, George?
I'm, uh, need water.
856
00:58:45,927 --> 00:58:48,007
We're doing a good thing.
857
00:58:51,665 --> 00:58:53,266
Doing this all week.
858
00:59:35,008 --> 00:59:38,444
Let's start
with the easy stuff.
859
00:59:38,446 --> 00:59:40,413
Here's what Gabe wants.
860
00:59:42,316 --> 00:59:44,750
That's just hurtful.
What about Landon?
861
00:59:44,752 --> 00:59:47,820
He's still on the fence.
He's crackpot.
Never hit him.
862
00:59:47,822 --> 00:59:50,790
Not the point.
If he decides to sue,
he will win.
863
00:59:52,926 --> 00:59:57,396
What are you
playing at here,
Richard?
864
00:59:57,398 --> 00:59:58,731
She wants to be televised.
865
01:00:02,035 --> 01:00:06,472
She calls this guy "taker,"
said he was a "prostitute
of the mind."
866
01:00:06,474 --> 01:00:09,442
Accused this married
mother of three
867
01:00:09,444 --> 01:00:13,713
of stealing
assorted cosmetic products
from her in 1991.
868
01:00:13,715 --> 01:00:17,650
And the list
just goes on
and on and on.
869
01:00:17,652 --> 01:00:20,019
How much they all want?
I'm not done.
870
01:00:20,021 --> 01:00:22,488
The ASPCA is going
to be here tomorrow
871
01:00:22,490 --> 01:00:24,457
about what she's doing
to those dogs.
872
01:00:24,459 --> 01:00:26,826
Okay.
Thank you, Barb.
Richard.
873
01:00:29,096 --> 01:00:31,497
They're going to shut
your ass down, Richard.
874
01:00:34,935 --> 01:00:37,903
What's going on?
I'll be brief.
875
01:00:37,905 --> 01:00:40,606
No more neuterings, okay?
All this shit has got to go
by tomorrow.
876
01:00:40,608 --> 01:00:42,441
Take the fucking dogs
out of here.
877
01:00:42,443 --> 01:00:44,677
I can't house them anymore.
I can't do it.
878
01:00:44,679 --> 01:00:46,512
All right?That's justhealth code stuff.
879
01:00:46,514 --> 01:00:49,382
Does he know we're live?
880
01:00:49,384 --> 01:00:51,784
Should I say something?
881
01:00:54,821 --> 01:00:57,456
There are 31 lawsuits
filed against New Vibrance
882
01:00:57,458 --> 01:00:59,759
from people
you slandered
on the air.
883
01:00:59,761 --> 01:01:02,561
So you better get that
pretty binder out and make
all these go away
884
01:01:02,563 --> 01:01:07,066
or a lot of good hard working
non-psychotic people will lose
their jobs.
885
01:01:07,068 --> 01:01:10,736
If you hurtor come close to hurtingsomeone in my employ again,
886
01:01:10,738 --> 01:01:12,671
you can find
somewhere else
to do this nonsense.
887
01:01:12,673 --> 01:01:14,673
No discussion.
888
01:01:16,643 --> 01:01:18,844
Also, stop screwing my brother.
889
01:01:18,846 --> 01:01:20,980
That's probably best
for everybody.
890
01:01:20,982 --> 01:01:23,182
Have a fantastic show.
891
01:01:24,819 --> 01:01:26,419
No, this is not the show!
892
01:01:28,755 --> 01:01:30,022
Okay.
893
01:02:09,696 --> 01:02:11,197
That's all for today.
894
01:02:11,199 --> 01:02:14,900
Alice, you have
another 40 minutes.
895
01:02:14,902 --> 01:02:17,236
I'm done for today.
896
01:02:17,238 --> 01:02:19,572
Can someone please get my dogs?
897
01:02:19,574 --> 01:02:21,073
Let's get Alice her doggies.
898
01:02:21,075 --> 01:02:23,576
And you heard the lady,
that's a wrap.
899
01:02:28,582 --> 01:02:30,749
Can I go home, too?
900
01:02:34,254 --> 01:02:35,721
Come on, guys.
901
01:02:37,123 --> 01:02:39,592
Where's my car?
902
01:02:39,594 --> 01:02:41,961
He's coming later.
Why later?
903
01:02:41,963 --> 01:02:44,563
You finished up
early today.
Oh, yeah.
904
01:02:51,938 --> 01:02:56,208
Hi, this is Gina.
I'm sorry I wasn't able...
905
01:02:56,210 --> 01:02:59,210
Sorry I wasn't ableto pick up the phone.Please leave me a message.
906
01:03:01,281 --> 01:03:04,149
I need to cancel
my chauffeur today.
907
01:03:04,151 --> 01:03:06,652
This whole week, actually.
908
01:03:08,522 --> 01:03:09,989
Room service.
909
01:03:09,991 --> 01:03:11,190
Leave it outside.
910
01:03:18,231 --> 01:03:20,766
This next storyis a perfect exampleof true friendship.
911
01:03:20,768 --> 01:03:23,536
Go away!
912
01:03:23,538 --> 01:03:25,604
Hi, this is Gina.I'm sorry I wasn't ableto come to the phone.
913
01:03:25,606 --> 01:03:29,108
And I explained this
to you guys before,
914
01:03:29,110 --> 01:03:31,977
and now I have
a thousand packets
of protein
915
01:03:31,979 --> 01:03:35,814
with, uh, 32 grams
of carbohydrants,
916
01:03:35,816 --> 01:03:40,786
and, um, at 16 grams
of straight glucose,
917
01:03:40,788 --> 01:03:43,289
and I can't,
yeah, I can't use that.
918
01:03:45,726 --> 01:03:49,128
So, I want everybody,
everybody in the audience
919
01:03:49,130 --> 01:03:51,597
and all of youat home right now,no matter what are you doing,
920
01:03:51,599 --> 01:03:53,439
I want you to take
a deep breath.
921
01:03:55,169 --> 01:03:57,603
In and out.
Thank you so much.
922
01:03:57,605 --> 01:04:01,073
Again.
In and out.
923
01:04:01,075 --> 01:04:04,109
Just relax for the next hour.
924
01:04:11,151 --> 01:04:12,818
Ms. Klieg,
are you still there?
925
01:04:12,820 --> 01:04:14,920
I'm all alone.
926
01:04:26,066 --> 01:04:28,767
Please.
927
01:04:28,769 --> 01:04:30,703
Please.
I'm all alone.
928
01:04:36,610 --> 01:04:38,243
I live in a casino.
929
01:06:04,330 --> 01:06:07,066
Oh, thank God.
Thank God.
930
01:06:07,068 --> 01:06:09,468
Oh, gosh,
you're the only
normal person I've seen.
931
01:06:19,312 --> 01:06:23,048
Back on the happy pills.
Look out, world.
932
01:06:23,050 --> 01:06:25,184
When do you get out?
933
01:06:25,186 --> 01:06:28,187
Um, 24 hours.
934
01:06:30,890 --> 01:06:32,991
I haven't talked to you
since the burn unit.
935
01:06:32,993 --> 01:06:35,494
I've called you,
like, a million times.
936
01:06:35,496 --> 01:06:37,196
Look, it's better.
937
01:06:39,399 --> 01:06:41,400
Aren't you happy to see me?
938
01:06:41,402 --> 01:06:44,403
Ted has the dogs.
Oh, my God,
I forgot.
939
01:06:44,405 --> 01:06:46,405
As soon
as they let you out,
you need to get them.
940
01:06:46,407 --> 01:06:49,174
He can't keep them.
941
01:06:49,176 --> 01:06:51,143
Wait, you're leaving?
942
01:06:54,414 --> 01:06:57,316
You're a terrible friend.
943
01:06:57,318 --> 01:07:00,753
You only care
about your own pain.
944
01:07:00,755 --> 01:07:03,922
I'm sorry you hurt so bad,
945
01:07:03,924 --> 01:07:06,191
but that doesn't mean
other people
946
01:07:06,193 --> 01:07:08,427
aren't vulnerable or sensitive.
947
01:07:08,429 --> 01:07:10,462
And just because you made
a career out of it
948
01:07:10,464 --> 01:07:13,332
doesn't mean
that other people
don't have feelings.
949
01:07:13,334 --> 01:07:16,034
You don't get
to fucking cry
right now.
950
01:07:16,036 --> 01:07:18,476
I am crying right now.
951
01:07:20,874 --> 01:07:23,108
I lost my job.
952
01:07:23,110 --> 01:07:26,945
And I told,
and you haven't asked me
once if I was okay
953
01:07:26,947 --> 01:07:29,548
or if I needed
any help.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
954
01:07:29,550 --> 01:07:31,850
I'm sorry.If you want,I can give you money.
955
01:07:31,852 --> 01:07:34,052
I don't want money.
956
01:07:37,524 --> 01:07:40,492
I just want my friend.
957
01:07:40,494 --> 01:07:43,028
Gina, wait.
958
01:07:43,030 --> 01:07:46,899
Gina.
Fuck you for making me faton your stupid show.
959
01:08:07,520 --> 01:08:10,155
What? That's all
I have left?
960
01:08:10,157 --> 01:08:14,459
When you win $86 million,
you don't actually get
$86 million.
961
01:08:14,461 --> 01:08:18,297
So, conservatively speaking,
that's all I have left.
962
01:08:18,299 --> 01:08:20,833
That's a fortune.
It's still a fortune.
963
01:08:20,835 --> 01:08:23,836
If I were you,
I would put this
in a safe place right away.
964
01:08:27,273 --> 01:08:29,007
It's in the bank.
965
01:08:29,009 --> 01:08:31,376
I mean to invest it.
I will help you.
966
01:08:35,348 --> 01:08:38,150
If you make
a few smart choices,
967
01:08:38,152 --> 01:08:40,986
you can have
a very comfortable life.
968
01:08:50,296 --> 01:08:52,564
Did you get our flowers?
969
01:08:52,566 --> 01:08:56,368
Yes.
They were very nice,
thank you.
970
01:08:56,370 --> 01:08:58,337
You feeling better?
971
01:08:58,339 --> 01:09:01,406
Much.
Yeah.
972
01:09:01,408 --> 01:09:05,177
Back on my meds.
Oh, good.
973
01:09:05,179 --> 01:09:07,613
So, what's on your mind?
974
01:09:07,615 --> 01:09:11,016
I have six shows left,
975
01:09:11,018 --> 01:09:13,252
but I want to do one long one.
976
01:09:13,254 --> 01:09:15,220
Well, we just assumed
you were done.
977
01:09:15,222 --> 01:09:17,122
Almost.
978
01:09:18,925 --> 01:09:20,965
What did you have in mind?
979
01:09:21,461 --> 01:09:22,628
Something big.
980
01:09:27,400 --> 01:09:28,600
Oh, we can do big.
981
01:09:36,210 --> 01:09:39,044
Oh.
Alice.
982
01:09:39,046 --> 01:09:41,413
I know you're mad at me.
983
01:09:42,682 --> 01:09:45,017
And I'm sorry.
984
01:09:45,019 --> 01:09:46,151
I'm really sorry.
985
01:09:48,021 --> 01:09:49,741
I accept your apology.
986
01:09:51,257 --> 01:09:52,424
Okay.
987
01:09:57,397 --> 01:09:59,077
I do hope for you, Alice.
988
01:10:01,501 --> 01:10:03,301
I hope you have a good life.
989
01:10:04,304 --> 01:10:06,338
Thanks.
990
01:10:06,340 --> 01:10:08,407
Goodbye, Alice.
991
01:10:08,409 --> 01:10:10,475
Can I come in?
992
01:10:20,186 --> 01:10:22,254
Hey, Gina.
993
01:10:22,256 --> 01:10:24,489
It's me.
I know I'm not supposed
to be calling you,
994
01:10:24,491 --> 01:10:28,226
but I just wanted you
to know that I'm having
one last final show
995
01:10:28,228 --> 01:10:32,597
and I want...
I-I would be honored
if you were there.
996
01:10:32,599 --> 01:10:35,734
So... please come.
997
01:10:35,736 --> 01:10:37,102
Please come.
998
01:11:10,703 --> 01:11:12,070
Five,
999
01:11:12,072 --> 01:11:15,407
four, three, two.
1000
01:11:19,145 --> 01:11:22,114
Liv, from beautiful
Palm Desert, California.
1001
01:11:24,117 --> 01:11:27,052
A special encore presentation
1002
01:11:27,054 --> 01:11:30,522
with your host, Alice Klieg.
1003
01:11:35,128 --> 01:11:37,529
Thank you.
Thank you.
1004
01:11:37,531 --> 01:11:41,466
Thank you so much.
1005
01:11:41,468 --> 01:11:44,102
Thank you for tuning in
to Welcome to Me,
1006
01:11:44,104 --> 01:11:48,673
"The Legend of a Swan,
A Telethon for Change."
1007
01:11:48,675 --> 01:11:50,642
My name is Alice Klieg.
1008
01:11:57,417 --> 01:11:59,584
Hey, guys.
1009
01:11:59,586 --> 01:12:03,188
You want
your balls back.
I know.
1010
01:12:03,190 --> 01:12:06,191
There are a lot of things
I wish I could change, too.
1011
01:12:06,193 --> 01:12:09,528
I almost burnt my tits off,
1012
01:12:09,530 --> 01:12:13,198
and let a lot of peoplethat I care about feel likethey weren't important to me.
1013
01:12:15,768 --> 01:12:19,538
I hurt a lot
of American families,
but I'm learning.
1014
01:12:19,540 --> 01:12:22,474
And tonight,
I'm going
to make it right.
1015
01:12:25,111 --> 01:12:27,712
Anyone who adopts
any of these loving friends,
1016
01:12:27,714 --> 01:12:30,182
gets a year's worth
of dog food and treats,
1017
01:12:30,184 --> 01:12:34,252
a doggy bed,and a luxurytravel crate.
1018
01:12:34,254 --> 01:12:36,555
Do we havethe number on the bottomof the screen, Dawn?
1019
01:12:36,557 --> 01:12:39,491
Yes, we do, baby.
Thank you, baby.
1020
01:12:45,264 --> 01:12:46,765
What's going on, Dawn?
1021
01:12:46,767 --> 01:12:50,469
Alice, if I'm not mistaken,
1022
01:12:50,471 --> 01:12:53,271
that's the Carousel of Life.
1023
01:12:53,273 --> 01:12:55,140
Ooh.
1024
01:12:55,142 --> 01:12:57,476
That looks
pretty damn good.
It does.
1025
01:12:57,478 --> 01:12:59,411
Cue the turntable.
1026
01:13:19,899 --> 01:13:22,734
She's off
to a really great start.
1027
01:13:24,338 --> 01:13:28,840
Do we have Gina yet?
No Gina.
1028
01:13:28,842 --> 01:13:30,642
There are so many things
to be thankful for.
1029
01:13:30,644 --> 01:13:32,844
But right now
I would like to express
some gratitude
1030
01:13:32,846 --> 01:13:35,714
towards a certain
artistic fellow.
1031
01:13:35,716 --> 01:13:37,436
Is Rainer Ybarra in the house?
1032
01:13:49,162 --> 01:13:51,897
I wanted to thank youfor calling me an artist,
1033
01:13:51,899 --> 01:13:55,333
because the moment you did,so many lost yearshad meaning.
1034
01:13:55,335 --> 01:13:57,735
Could I just say something?
1035
01:14:06,612 --> 01:14:08,332
This is when
I pretended to drown.
1036
01:14:22,562 --> 01:14:24,229
She's going to be just fine.
1037
01:14:24,231 --> 01:14:26,198
She really is.
1038
01:14:30,404 --> 01:14:33,505
And nowI would like to honora genuine love-maker
1039
01:14:33,507 --> 01:14:36,208
who I really care about.
1040
01:14:36,210 --> 01:14:38,930
Gabriel Ruskin,would you join meby the Carousel of Life?
1041
01:14:45,651 --> 01:14:48,820
Once in a blue moon,life gives youa one-way ticket
1042
01:14:48,822 --> 01:14:51,890
to that deeperotic play land thatonly exists inside of us.
1043
01:14:51,892 --> 01:14:55,527
Ugh.
Shining captainon a sea of takers,
1044
01:14:55,529 --> 01:14:58,430
you docked in my port
and it wasn't even raining.
1045
01:15:02,635 --> 01:15:04,502
Aw.
1046
01:15:10,843 --> 01:15:13,011
Go sit down.
1047
01:15:13,013 --> 01:15:15,013
Still no Gina.
1048
01:15:15,015 --> 01:15:16,448
Should we use a reenactor?
1049
01:15:16,450 --> 01:15:18,717
Use a reenactor.
Yeah.
1050
01:15:18,719 --> 01:15:21,353
Use a reenactor.
Get Gina reenactor ready
1051
01:15:21,355 --> 01:15:24,322
for New Apartment 45
to the roll.
1052
01:15:24,324 --> 01:15:27,359
She's going to be devastated.
1053
01:15:27,361 --> 01:15:29,427
How are we doing
in adoptions, Dawn?
1054
01:15:29,429 --> 01:15:31,663
Nothing yet,
but the lines are open
1055
01:15:31,665 --> 01:15:34,399
and operators are standing by.
1056
01:15:41,774 --> 01:15:42,774
This is for Gina.
1057
01:15:47,413 --> 01:15:51,416
Well, I think your new
apartment is great, Alice.
1058
01:15:51,418 --> 01:15:53,485
I don't know if I can do this.
1059
01:15:53,487 --> 01:15:55,654
Maybe I should go back
to the halfway house
1060
01:15:55,656 --> 01:15:57,956
where I have been living
for most of 1996
1061
01:15:57,958 --> 01:16:00,825
after losing my job
at Palm Desert Animal Control.
1062
01:16:02,828 --> 01:16:05,730
You're ready to have
your own place, Alice.
1063
01:16:05,732 --> 01:16:10,635
I, Gina Selway,
just know that you are.
1064
01:16:10,637 --> 01:16:15,373
It's almost as if you
believe in me more than
I believe in myself.
1065
01:16:15,375 --> 01:16:17,876
I really do.
1066
01:16:34,927 --> 01:16:36,728
Hey, Grace,
Miss Selway has arrived.
1067
01:16:36,730 --> 01:16:39,331
Oh, my God,
Gina's here.
What!
1068
01:17:27,413 --> 01:17:30,115
I'd like to read
from a prepared statement.
1069
01:17:34,754 --> 01:17:37,555
"Dear Gina,
1070
01:17:37,557 --> 01:17:41,159
"thank you for being
the only girl who would speak
to me in the sixth grade.
1071
01:17:41,161 --> 01:17:45,630
"Thank you for letting me sleep
holding on to you during that
really bad period in 1989.
1072
01:17:45,632 --> 01:17:48,800
"Without you,
I could never have
made it through my 20s,
1073
01:17:48,802 --> 01:17:52,637
"much less
become a millionaire
and talk-show host.
1074
01:17:52,639 --> 01:17:56,141
"You are the kindest,
most patient person
I know.
1075
01:17:56,143 --> 01:18:00,612
"I don't deserve a friend
as loyal as you, but I sure
am lucky to have one.
1076
01:18:00,614 --> 01:18:05,049
"You could have given up
on me seven million times,
but you didn't.
1077
01:18:05,051 --> 01:18:09,554
And for all those times,
I would like to present you
with the following."
1078
01:18:31,477 --> 01:18:32,844
Woo-hoo.
1079
01:19:35,741 --> 01:19:38,743
And we're out in ten,
1080
01:19:38,745 --> 01:19:42,780
nine, eight, seven, six,
1081
01:19:42,782 --> 01:19:45,049
five, four,
1082
01:19:45,051 --> 01:19:48,186
three, two, one.
1083
01:20:17,683 --> 01:20:19,317
You want me to stay?
1084
01:20:21,555 --> 01:20:24,995
You know, I think
I'd better bond
with the beast.
1085
01:20:26,091 --> 01:20:28,293
Oh, I got you a present.
1086
01:20:28,295 --> 01:20:29,794
Um...
1087
01:20:34,967 --> 01:20:36,935
What am I supposed
to do with this?
1088
01:20:36,937 --> 01:20:40,805
Um... anything
you want.
1089
01:20:43,108 --> 01:20:46,044
Okay, I'm going to go ahead.
1090
01:20:46,046 --> 01:20:48,313
You go ahead,
do your thing.
I'll call you tomorrow.
1091
01:20:48,315 --> 01:20:49,681
Okay.
1092
01:20:59,025 --> 01:21:01,092
Bye.85276
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