All language subtitles for Jane.the.Virgin.S04E05.Chapter.Sixty-Nine.720p.WEB-HD.x264-Pahe.in_Subtitles01.ENG

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Welcome back, friends.

When we left our Jane,
she'd rekindled things

with her first love, Adam.

I am all in, Jane.

So, yeah.
They were pretty smitten.

And speaking of smitten,

Jane's father Rogelio
had finally married

her mother Xiomara.

Only complication,

he had a baby with Darci.

And they named her...

Well, I'll let him explain.

First name, Baby.

JANE:
My baby sister, Baby.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah. And complicating that...

Oh.

...Darci started dating
his rival Esteban.

I know. Straight out
of a telenovela, right?

Which makes sense,
because Rogelio

was a huge telenovela star.

Though right now, he was
playing someone very tiny,

who was swallowed
by his love interest,

and was currently stuck
inside her body.

Just go with it, okay?

And speaking
of star-crossed lovers,

Jane and Rafael
were currently estranged.

See, he'd lost all his money,
and so he was scheming

against his sister Luisa
to get his hotel back.

For the last time,
I am doing this for my family!

And as for Luisa, well,
she made a new friend, Carl.

Only problem...
Dr. Luisa introduced me

to her friend Carl,

but there was no one there.

So, yeah, Luisa
was definitely struggling.

But Raf didn't know that.
He just wanted his hotel back.

So he got into bed with hotel
financier Katherine Cortes.

Literally. But he had a change
of heart about using her.

And well, the consequences
came fast and furious.

(tires screech)
I know.

OMG, right? So let's dive in.

Ah, friends.

As you well know,
our Jane played many roles.

And so, she had many labels.

She was a mother.

She was a lover.

She was a writer, of course.

But before she was
any of those things,

she was a best friend.

To Lina.

Like my new hat?

I stole it
from my sisters.

You're gonna get
in so much trouble.

(laughs)
NARRATOR: Of course, of the two,

Lina was the bold one.

She was adventurous.

Want me to teach you
how to put on eye makeup?

Yeah. But no wings.

Then what's even the point?

(sighs)

The kind of person
who went for it.

(quietly):
Kiss him.

Which is why Jane knew

her bachelorette party
had to be...

A 1930s murder mystery theme?

Really?

I know. I was confused, too.

I had our favorite stripper
on hold.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
He's my favorite, too.

But, apparently, this is
what Lina and Danny want.

So, I will make it
totally perfect.

Because that is my solemn duty
as Lina's lifetime BFF.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't tell me

that Dad can't get the costumes.

No. Sorry.

I just realized
I forgot to take the pill.

Again? Why are you even
still on the pill?

There are so many other options.

The ring, the shot,
the patch, the cap.

Look at you, Planned Parenthood.

Thank you.
(laughs)

Anyway, I've tried a few.

Your dad just wants
to pull out, but...

Oh. Okay. All right.
I'm gonna get going.

Please tell Dad thank you
for the costumes and the props.

(phone ringing)
Oh.

(scoffs)

Petra?
Everything's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.

What do you mean?
Worry about what?
I just said there's nothing

to worry about.
Well, that's a really weird way
to start a phone call.

Rafael was in a little
car accident.
What?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Little?

He looks like he was hit
by a Mack truck.

Or, say, a late model sedan.

But he's fine. Truly.

Uh, actually, we're just
about to get discharged,

so I'm just letting you know.
Okay.

Well, tell him...

I'm glad he's okay.
I will.

I'm telling you,
it wasn't an accident.

Oh, I'm sure. I mean,
you basically told Katherine

you were using her
before the deal closed.

What were you thinking?

I just couldn't
go through with it.

Oh.

You got Villanuevaed.

That's not true.

Or even if it is a little true,

I never would've worked
with Katherine long-term.

Obviously, because
she's completely nuts.

Oh, you don't think so?

My sister tried to drown me
at sea. I have a high bar.

NURSE:
All right.

You are officially discharged.

Wound care.

Keep an eye on the color.

We don't want to be
seeing green pus.

We want to see red blood.

This stuff is
terrific. Terrific!

Please tell your dad thanks.

Does he want to come,
by the way? Or your mom?

We still have some
roles to assign.

He'll be shooting,
but I'll ask my mom.

Yeah, tell your grandma
to come, too.

That's a great idea!

We need a dowager.

Seriously?

Hey! So sorry
I'm late, babe.

(laughing): Oh, my God.
Still with the "babe."

I mean, nice to see you again.

Don't mess things up this time.

I'm trying
really hard not to.

(laughs)

Congratulations,
bride-to-be.

Thank you.

This is my fiancé, Danny.

Hey.
Hey.

You look so familiar.

Yeah, you do, too, actually.

Did you ever live in New York?

Yeah. Fort Greene.

Oh, I had a bunch
of friends there.

Uh, do you know
Joey Brixton?

Jenny Lawson?
Mm...

Let me check our mutuals.

(quietly): See?
They're destined to be friends.

Wait.

Yeah, you two
used to date, right?

Yeah.

Ooh.

Oh, sh-she's really pretty.

Not her.

Him.

Oh.

Cool.

He's also very pretty.

So, you're bisexual?

If you're into labels.

You date men and women?

I had a boyfriend in art school
when everyone was experimenting,

and another in Fort Greene
when everyone wasn't.

Cool.

It's just, we've had
so many long talks.

How come you never
mentioned this?

It just didn't really feel
that relevant.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I mean,
more relevant than who'd win

in an epic battle between
Batman and Wolverine.

Which has been
discussed at length.

And I guess I was nervous.

It's become an issue
with people I've dated before.

Well, you've never
dated me before.

Okay, you have.

N-Not recently.

My point is, is...

(scoffs)
I'm totally okay with it.

You have exes,
I have exes.

Everybody has exes.
(chuckles)

PETRA:
I'm trying, I'm trying!

How hard can it be? Just...
(screams) Don't-don't pull!

I'm sorry!
I'm just a little stressed.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
New role for Petra: nursemaid.

Don't be. We're gonna
find another investor,

and we'll make another offer.

(knocking on door)
(scoffs) Unless Katherine
tells Luisa what we were doing.

The woman already ran me over.

I think she got her revenge.

(scoffs)

I know Rafael was working
with Katherine Cortes.

Guess she wanted a little more.

What are you doing
here? Security!

Someone call security!
Luisa! Luisa!

Rafael was just in an awful
car accident. Look at him.

Please. Like I would ever

fall for that.
It's obviously a sympathy ploy.

(screams)

What?
Ah. Oh.

So it's not a sympathy ploy.
Luisa, please.

Can he just stay here
till he gets better?

Look, there's a guest room.

No. And if you
ever step foot

on my property again,
I will have you arrested.

When did you become such
a nasty, hateful person...
Me? Me? No.

...incapable of forgiveness
and compassion?!
You're the horrible person,

Rafael. You can pretend
you're not, but you are.

You're obsessed with money
and power, just like Dad.

ELLIE:
Mommy!

Everything's fine.

Why don't you take the girls
down to the gift shop?

We don't really need
another sparkly turtle.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Which brings us to...

Alba.

See, she, too,
plays many roles.

Jorge's girlfriend.

(gasps)
Hi, girls.

What can I get for you?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Top merchandiser.

Daddy's getting kicked
out of the hotel again,

so we're supposed
to buy something.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And captain of Team Rafael.

(grunts)

You said it was a
little car accident.

Well, technically,
Petra said that.

What happened, Daddy?

I didn't look both ways
before I crossed the street.

Hmm?

What happened? Where were you?

I broke up with Katherine.

I told her
the truth,

that I was using her,

and she got pissed
and tried to run me over.

What?

Yeah. She's denying it,
but she did it on purpose.

And yes,

you were right. About her,
and about this whole thing

being a bad idea,
but I really don't need

"I told you so" right now, okay?

(voice breaking):
Rafael.

What has happened to you?

To us?

That you think
I would ever say that?

I'm just happy
that you're okay,

and I just really
want us to be okay.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yup. Just a fantasy.

Here's what she really said.

Well, let me know
if you need anything.

I'm gonna go to bed.

(inhales shakily)

(doorbell rings)

Hi.
Hi.

(laughing):
Hey.
(laughs)

Oh.
Hi.

What's going on?

I just wanted to stop by.

Danny's at the airport,

picking up some of his friends
for the party.

Hmm. Oh. You okay?

Totally, yes.

But listen,
I'd love for you

to spend some time
with Danny this weekend.

One-on-one.

Oh. Sure.

I'd love to get
to know him better.

Perfect. Great.

Because I'm not sure
I should marry him,

and I need you to tell me
what to do.

Lina, back up.
Oh, God.

What's going on?

Did you and Danny fight?

No. We never fight.

And maybe that's part
of the problem.

Uh, what problem?

Where is this
even coming from?

My sisters staged
an intervention.

They are convinced that
I'm making a mistake.

They think I'll be
divorced by Christmas.

A-And what if
they're right?

They know me.

And they've all
been divorced.

Which just means they picked
badly for themselves,

not that you did.

Come on. You fell in love
with Danny for a reason.

What are some of the things
you love about him?

Well, he's-he's so sweet,

and smart and so supportive.

Plus, he's great in bed.

God, what a nightmare.
You poor thing.

But he's such a
square sometimes.

What do you mean?

He has bisexual friends
from Fort Greene.

This murder mystery theme?

It was supposed to be

a bachelor/bachelorette party.

Why would he think that I would
like something like that?

I don't want to have to learn
a bunch of new words

for my bachelorette party.

What the hell is
a dowager?!

A widow who got her title
from her late husband.

Look, Lina, I was...

surprised by the theme, too.

See? And, Jane,
he likes to ski.

You know how much
I hate the cold.

Plus, he doesn't have
a spontaneous bone in his body.

What if I want us
to quit our jobs

and travel the world
for a year?

I mean, do you?

Assuming it's
first-class airfare

and five-star hotels,
which he would never go for

because he's so
freaking practical!

Okay, you're spiraling.

I know.

Which is why I need you
to tell me what to do.

XIOMARA: Not your place,
and not your role.

Just tell Lina
that Danny is great,

and you're completely
on board with the two of them.

It's just the two of us.
No Baby.

JANE:
But she asked for my help.

I mean,
don't I owe it to her

to give my honest opinion
no matter what?

If you want to stay friends
with her, no.

I absolutely want
to stay friends with you.

Sexy friends.

Tell Dad I can hear him.

It's a lose-lose

situation, Janie.

If you say he sucks,

and she marries him anyway,

that will always be between you.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And again, friends,

there was just so much
she wanted to say.

Trust me, just leave
well enough alone, Jane.

ROGELIO:
Now what's wrong?

There's something I want
to talk with you about

before we have sex.

Okay, a quick something, huh?

Ideally.
Mm.

I want you to get
a vasectomy.

Oh. I think

it's a language thing, you know,
but I thought you said...

I did. I want you
to get a vasectomy.

Are you insane, woman?!

It's a very common
and safe procedure,

and I'm tired of
taking the pill.

Well, then, tie your tubes.

That's an invasive surgery.

A vasectomy is just
a snip-- in and out.

Well, the answer is no.

I'm not being... neutered,
and that's that.

Never. No way.
It's not gonna happen.

Stop being such a baby.

Well, "Baby" is the greatest
name in the world,

so I will take that
as a compliment,

no matter how
it was intended.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And speaking of penis panic...

Here you go.

Nice tats.

*

So, is... is that your type?

What?
Just asking.

If I'm into the waiter?

I, uh, I didn't notice,

because I'm with you.

Right.

Sorry, I'm acting weird.

I'm just trying to
wrap my head around it

because I'm not
into women.

Maybe.
Or maybe you just haven't

explored that side of yourself.

Just to let you know,
my shift is over,

but my colleague Justine
will treat you right.

It's been a pleasure.

(sultry music playing)

*

Is that a yes on the refill?

Sorry, yes.
Thank you so much.

JUSTINE:
You're welcome.

(laughs nervously)

Hey, look, is this something
that's gonna get in our way?

What? No.

Because you seem
pretty hung up on it.

Honestly, I'm not.

I'm completely hung up on it.
And I don't want to be.

Well, it makes sense
that you are.

Yeah, because it took him
so long to tell me.

And because there's
a double standard, you know?

When women hook up,
it's looked at as sexy,

but men are immediately
marginalized

because our whole culture
revolves around the male gaze.

I'm not exactly
following all that,

but I hear you about
the double standards.

Your dad's killing me.

He said no to the vasectomy?

Again, he started talking
about pulling out.

Ma-- ugh!

Again, I'm pulling out
of this conversation.

We were talking
about Ro's vasectomy.

Ah.

He owns more makeup
than I do.

He's campaigning to be
the next Cover Girl.

Mom!

Okay, now I'm pulling out
of this conversation.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, the good old days.

DANNY: Is this a farthing
or a tuppence?

I'm gonna say a tuppence.

(imitates buzzer)
Oh.

Sorry, trick question.
It's a ha'penny.

Oh. (chuckles, sighs)

Uh, so, where is Lina?

Running a last-minute errand.

(phone chimes)
Oh...

(clears throat)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Guess Jane's spending

that one-on-one time
with Danny right now.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes, we last left our Jane

in a most uncomfortable role.

So, uh, have you done
a murder mystery party before?

Yep. Never been
the Duke, though.

Hmm.
I've been the Constable
and the Butler before.

Stuck being
the Silversmith twice.

Don't even get me started.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I think you started.

(laughs nervously)

Sure, I may have rigged it

so I was assigned the part,
but I figure I can,

since I'm the groom and all.

I mean, if not now,
when, right?

(both chuckling)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Quick, Jane,

think of something to say.

Uh, so,
you're an accountant, right?

I am, indeed.

And how long have you
been doing that for?

Five years.

No, six.

No, wait, five.
Definitely five.

Five. Great.

And, uh, if you weren't
an accountant...

You know what, six!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Thought he
was good with numbers.

Six. Got it.

And if you
weren't an accountant,

and you could have any job
in the world, what would it be?

You know, I actually like
being an accountant.

It's steady, consistent--

I don't like a lot of drama.

DIRECTOR: This is the most
dramatic scene

in the whole telenovela.

I know!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, thank God.

I was starting to fall asleep.

But I cannot find
the truth in it.

And finding the truth
is very important

to my journey as an actor.

The truth is that
you're saying good-bye

to the kidney stone that has
been your steadfast companion

for your journey

down the lady scientist's
urinary tract.

Come on, this is our
big Cast Away rip-off.

Homage.
And I'm just having trouble

connecting with
the good-bye speech.

Well, I'm sure you'll
find it on the day.

That's lunch.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes, you'll recall

Ro and Esteban recently had
a relationship breakthrough.

I hate him.
Stay calm.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, it didn't last.

ESTEBAN:
Hi, guys.

I call this the Bond and Tone.

Keeps me fit and firm,
and puts Baby right down.

Well, she's going to wake up
when you transfer her.

Oh, don't worry,
I have this down to a science.

Yes.

I just take to child
rearing so naturally.

In fact, Darci and I are already
talking about number two.

The only number two you're
having is in the bathroom.

You never had a number one.

Hey, Esteban,

what if Darci didn't
want another kid?

Oh, well, of course,
it's up to her.

Whatever Darci desires.

Wow.

Sounds like you'd
do anything for her.

Of course.
If she is happy,

I am happy.

Very clever.

Just proving a point.

Would snipping me really
make you happy, Xiomara?

It would.

And I think it would
make you happy, too.

Are you not wearing a bra?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Looks like someone's taking

her mother's advice.
I must have forgotten.

Mm.
It's funny.
I didn't realize

how much the fear
of getting pregnant

was holding me
back, sexually.

Go on.

Well, maybe it's silly,

but I feel like once that tiny
bit of fear is lifted,

I'll be able to
fully express myself.

Mm.
And it would be
so simple, really.

Just snip, snip.

Boom.

All right, make the appointment.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Boom.

(gasps)

Are you okay?

My laptop fell,
I-I didn't mean to wake you.

(groans)

It's-it's okay.
I'm fine.

I'm fine.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And, friends, again,

there was so much to say,

but that wasn't
Jane's role anymore.

Then why aren't you asleep?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
But she didn't care.

What is it?

Rafael...

I don't... I don't know,
I just feel, um...

...lost.

I keep replaying
everything

in my mind that happened,

and how I got here.

I mean, she ran me over.

And then I think about
the hotel, you know.

And the money-- like, what
if it's all really gone?

But then I get mad
at myself because

then I sound like my
father-- or my ex-father.

And then I know I shouldn't
even be thinking that

because I'm lucky
to be alive.

And I know that.
(sniffles)

I'm lucky.

It's okay to not feel lucky.

You shouldn't even
be talking to me.

Hey, you're family.

Family shows up.

Plus, you know I love you.

Not romantically.

(laughs, sniffles)

You think I should, um,
just give it all up?

Just forget about the...

the trust and the hotel
and just start over?

It doesn't matter
what I think.

I think that I have to.

Uh, you can, you can
go back to bed now.

I know.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah,
friends, we left with change

upon the horizon.
Is that better?

Yes. So, I prepared a few
questions about the...

Castration?
...procedure.

First, you've worked on
other celebrity penises?

Yes. I've done vasectomies
for many other celebrities.
Who?

I can't say specifically,
but, uh, pretty big stars.

More or less famous
than Michael Douglas?

Exactly as famous
as Michael Douglas.

The snipping, is it painful?

Not at all.
We use a local anesthetic.

What if I change my mind?

The procedure is totally
reversible and, of course,

this will make things
much easier for your wife.

That's why I'm here.

She already had her
life derailed by Baby.

Oh, you had a baby.

Yes, my baby Baby.

XIOMARA:
Just continue.

I want to do this for you.

Great.

But I just don't think I can.

(sighs)

NARRATOR: Also having trouble
pulling the trigger...

Oh, Jane.

Here you are.

Finally.

What did you think?

Hmm?
About Danny.

Just tell Lina
that Danny is great

and you're completely on board
with the two of them.

He's great. I'm completely
on board. Marry him.

Yeah? What-what made
you think that?

Well, he's-he's
really interesting

and smart and he clearly
loves you so much.

So you have
absolutely no doubts?

Yes.

You hesitated.
I didn't.

Lady, give it to me. Now.

Okay, look...

it was a little hard
to find a groove with him,

you know, conversationally.

Because he's boring!

I knew it!
I didn't say "boring."

NARRATOR:
Well, not exactly.

Oh, my God.

What was I thinking?

We are complete opposites.

I should be with
someone sexy

and edgy and bisexual,
like Adam.

Do you think I should
call off the wedding?

No.

I talked to the guy
for 30 minutes.

A-And it's not about me,
Lina, or your sisters.

It's about you.
How do you feel?

LUISA:
How do I feel?

Bad, Carl. Bad.

You were supposed
to help me

get the money,
which I still don't have,

and my ex-brother just
keeps lying and scheming.

Well, throw something else,
then. Let it out.

Good idea.

(glass shatters)

How long has this been going on?

Awhile.
(glass shattering)

And there's something else.

Spare me the dramatic pause.

Last week, I overheard
Magda and Anezka talking.

Dr. Luisa introduce me
to her friend Carl,

but there was no one there.

She just be talking
to the air.

Are you absolutely sure
they said "Carl"?

(glass shattering)

I have to go.

(phone dialing)

Carl?

Are you sure?

That's what Krishna said.

I just thought you should know.
(glass shatters)

What's happening?

Who's Carl?

Do you remember when
I told you that Luisa

had a, had a nervous breakdown
during her medical residency?

Mm-hmm.
Well, she went
into a psychosis

and said that
someone named Carla

told her she had
to barge into surgeries,

take over and save lives.

But there was no Carla.

It was a hallucination.

And she didn't believe
anyone but me.

(sighs) I got
to talk to her.

Try to get her
to accept help.

See? You show up, too.

ROGELIO:
Wow.

You are a sight for sore eyes.

Thanks for the costume.
Of course.

And I'm sorry
I'm working tonight.

A-And I'm also sorry
about the procedure.

I-I really wanted
to do it for you.

Don't say that.
But it's true.

It's not or you'd just
get over your machismo.

It's not machismo.

It is.
It's not.

Then what is it?
I'm turning into
an old man, Xo!

It's true.

I have gray hairs
and things sag.

I'm in the makeup chair
longer every day

and no matter what I do,
it's just happening.

I can't stop it.

And this...
just feels like...

I don't know, like I'm
moving onto the next stage,

the old man stage...

...which, I know,
sounds silly.

It doesn't.
It actually makes sense.

Really? Because I was kind
of hoping you'd tell me

I'm still the same hot, young
stud you met 28 years ago.

You are to me.

And you always will be.

Don't worry
about the vasectomy.

I'll figure something out.

Did you figure out
your costume?

Did he ever.
He was trying it on
for me last night,

posing like no
one's business.

(laughs)

(sultry music playing)

*

(laughs) All right, later, guys.
I'm late for work.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
No, Jane, don't ask.

What?

Nothing.

Were you wondering if
I hooked up with him?

Say no.

I was. I'm sorry.
Seriously?

I'm sorry. It's just...
That you can't deal.

I'm trying.

It's throwing me.

Obviously.

But I think it's
because you didn't give me

a chance to react.

You immediately said
that people acted weird,

which meant that
I couldn't act weird.

Well, don't worry. You did.

But that's why.
Maybe.

Or maybe I was right.

Once you knew,
things would change.

Don't you have
to meet Danny

with the rest of
that party stuff?

Yeah.

I'll see you tonight?

Maybe.

Ah!

Hi. I am so sorry I'm late.

Traffic was awful.
No problem.

Hey, have you talked
to Lina lately?

Something seems off.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
You mean besides the fact

that she's not sure
she should marry you?

Really?
S-She seems fine to me.

No, I can tell
something's wrong.

She isn't talking as much.
And our waitress this morning

had really bad highlights,
and she didn't say anything

and you know how sensitive
Lina is to bad highlights.

That's totally true.
My guess is

she's unhappy about
the murder mystery theme,

which I knew
she wouldn't be that into.

Y-You did?

Yeah, but I thought
it would be a great cover

'cause I also know as much as
she hates murder mysteries,

she loves surprises.

And I have a really
big one planned.

Y-You do?

My groomsmen and
I are planning

a little something
that's more Lina

once the murder
mystery is solved.

There will be glitter,

penises, cake-- ooh,
and a striptease.

Oh.
By me.

Wow.
(laughs)

You know Lina really well.

W-Why would you think
I didn't know Lina?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Uh-oh.

(blows raspberry)
No reason.

Did Lina say that?

That I didn't know her?

Is that why she's
been acting so weird?

That's it, isn't it?

No, no. I-I'm the one
that said something.

What?

I told Lina that I had doubts
about your compatibility

because of our kind of
awkward conversation.

That conversation was awkward
because you were asking me

all these strange questions
and I was trying to be polite

because I wanted
to make a good impression

on my fiancée's
overprotective friend.

Whatever, uh-- I'll
see you at the party.

Well...

Yeah, looks like Danny does
bring the drama after all.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Prepare, friends,

for a night of mystery, drama,
and some very fine acting.

(woman screams)

(with cockney accent):
Oh, no!

Ladies and gents,

chaps and birds,
I've most dismaying news.

Ignacio de Lorenzo
of Seville,

the most celebrated
matador in all of España

and honored guest of our host,

the Duke...

...has been found dead...

(people gasp, scream)

...in the manor's maze garden!

(gasps)
And what's worse,

the murderer is among us.

(people gasp)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, so nice to be investigating

a pretend murder
at the Marbella for once.

Okay, we need
to talk real quick.

(with French accent): We are
supposed to stay in character.

Oui, Clara?

(with cockney accent):
That's right, Renée.

I was 100% wrong about Danny
and you should 100% marry him.

It's all good, old chap.

Okay. So, then, why is he
shooting you the death glare?

(normal voice): Because he
found out about the sussing.

What?
(cockney accent):
No, but it's fine.

I said it was my idea.

He thinks you had
nothing to do with it

and the important thing is

is that you're perfect
for each other

and I can't wait to come
to your wedding, old chap.

Really?

Ladies and gentlemen,

a suspect has emerged.

There's apparently a lunatic

from the asylum on the loose.

No. You're wrong.

Carl is not like Carla.

Carl is real.

He's not.

Think about it, Luisa.

No one's seen him but you.

Because he has to keep
his identity a secret.

I know how that sounds,

but there is someone else
who's seen him.

Anezka.

She didn't.

Krishna overheard
Anezka saying

that no one was there.

You were alone.

Oh, good. You're together.

Hopefully not trashing me
at my own bachelor party.

Of course not.
I wouldn't say of course.

Danny, stop.
Sorry, I'm mad.
It's fine.

Danny.
I overstepped.
She was trying to break us up.

No, she wasn't.

I asked Jane if she thought
we should get married.

It's not true.
It's not. Carl is real

and this is one
of your lies.

He's not, Luisa.
He has blue eyes

and a peppered beard
and he uses an inhaler.

This is your mind
playing tricks on you.
No!

I don't believe you.

I don't believe this.

You don't want to marry me?

Lina.

Carl?

Carl?!

Lina, answer.

Please, Carl, answer.

Yes?

I don't know.

What should I do?

MAN:
Proof!

I demand proof!

We haven't always seen eye
to eye, but I trust you.

So, I'm asking you

to tell me the truth.

You see Carl here, right?

Uh...

Anezka?

No.

I am sorry, Dr. Luisa,
there is no one there.

Carl, say something.

Well, it doesn't matter if
I'm real to her, Luisa.

I'm real to you.

You hear that, right?

Anezka,

come on, he's
right here!

Okay, beautiful doctor.

Uh, hello to you, Carl.

Uh, I am loving
your sweater.

He's right over here and
he's wearing a T-shirt.

Okay, you just tell me
what I see.

No. I...

I don't understand.

If you can't see Carl,
why didn't you say anything

the other night
outside the hotel?

Because I did not want to
embarrass beautiful doctor.

(sighs)

(sniffles)

What's wrong with me?

Nothing, I promise,
you're just scared.

Because he's just not
who I pictured myself with.

So what?

He's who you fell for.

And he has so many
amazing qualities.

I know.

But I shouldn't
have these doubts

if I'm marrying him,
right?

Everyone has doubts.

Did you,
with Michael?

There's just so much we haven't
talked about, basic stuff.

Marriage stuff. Tomorrow's
just the wedding.

And the rehearsal
was a disaster.

What if tomorrow's awful?

Huge doubts.

We made a list,
actually.

A very long list

of all the things that
we needed to discuss.

Danny loves lists.

He makes them
constantly.

Aw, a man after
my own heart.

He even has phone alerts

to remind him to do
what's on the lists.

How have I not
thought of that?

NARRATOR:
And friends, that's when

Lina suddenly realized the role
Danny played in her life.

Oh, my God.
What?

I'm marrying
the male version of you.

(laughs)

I mean,
Danny is organized and smart

and responsible
and kind of nerdy.

I mean, he's you!

(giggles)

And you're the longest
relationship that I've ever had.

Aw, you're the longest
relationship I've ever had.

I love you, Jane.

I love you, too.

(sultry music playing)

What the hell?
Huh?

Were you gonna kiss me?

(laughs):
What?

No. Don't be ridiculous.

I mean...

Yeah, I was.

Oh...

I'm sorry, I don't know
what I was thinking.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Seemed like you were thinking

of making out
with your best friend.

I guess I'm still
a little freaked out

by Adam's big
bisexuality reveal.

Well, a pretty smart friend
once told me

that you fall for
who you fall for.

Yeah, but this
is different.

I'm not freaked out
by his sexuality,

I'm freaked out that
he kept it from me.

Hmm.
What?

As your best friend
in the world

and the person
you just tried to make out with,

that's a bunch a crap.

Excuse me?

Don't try to make this
about him hiding.

Figure out what's
really going on.

Oh... well, I-I guess
it's because...

Lady? Tell him.

Not me.

Because it's my freaking
bachelorette party

and I need to go
tell my fiancé

that I can't wait
to marry him.

Go! Go!
(gasps) Okay.

Mwah.

Any more and you
couldn't handle it.

(Lina giggles)

(Jane laughs)

Did you buy it?

Uh, sure?

Of course you didn't,

because I'm talking to
a Styrofoam kidney stone!

Aren't you supposed to, like...

pretend it's something else?

You know?

Something that
means something to you?

DIRECTOR: All right, this scene
moves us to the next stage.

(bell rings)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And friends,

it was one of those moments

when art and life
come together.

Suddenly, Rogelio knew exactly
how to access that emotion.

Cut!

(bell rings)
How dare you!

I was in the moment!
DIRECTOR: I know,

and it was fantastic.

It's just that
your eye line was off.

It kind of looked like you were
talking to your penis.

(laughs):
Really?

Well, just go again.

Danny and I just had
the hottest sex.

(laughs)
Oh...

I've never done it
in a bathroom before.

At the Marbella.

At my own bachelorette party.

(giggles)
(laughs)

(lively music plays)

*

Oh, my God.
(women cheering, whistling)

That's my man.

(whistles)
(whoops)

You look like
you're having fun.

Yeah, can I go?

Your dad just texted.

He's getting snipped.

No more pulling out...

Ma, again with
the pulling out.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: All right,
this time I'm pulling out.

Can we talk?

So, yeah.

It wasn't that you waited
a long time to tell me.

It was what you told me.

Which became pretty clear
after I tried to kiss Lina.

What?

I know. It was a momentary
lapse of judgment.

But you're obviously right.

I did freak out.

I guess I-I...

I just have questions.

Which are silly and stupid...

No. Ask me.

Is being bisexual a stop?

O-On your way to
coming out as gay?

Definitely not.

Um, it just means that
I'm open to a connection

with a man or a women.

What else you got?

Well, I guess I feel a
little insecure, you know.

It's not like I can give
you what a man can.

Well, yeah,
you're right, you can't.

But you can't give me what other
women can give me, either.

But it doesn't matter, because
I choose to be with you.

I don't want to be
with anyone else,

regardless of gender.

Really?

Yeah, really.

We're in
a monogamous relationship.

Which means that you're not
allowed to kiss anyone else.

I know. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

If it makes you feel any better,
she hard core rejected me.

Well, then she's an idiot.

(giggles)

(both moaning)

Oh, Bob...

(laughs)
I'm kidding,
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

It's Jim, right?
(laughs): Yeah.

LUISA:
This is Mark.

You see Mark, right?

Yes.

What are you doing here?

I'm checking myself
into a psychiatric hospital.

Or a wellness center
if you believe the brochure.

*

I can't go down this path again.

Well, I'm... really glad
that you're getting help.

After everything
that's happened,

the fact that...

you're still looking out
for me, it...

Thank you.

And you can have
your hotel shares back.

What?

That's not why I helped you.

I know.

That's why I'm giving them back.

Hey, you.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

(sighs)

Luisa's going to get help.

That's great.

And she's giving me back
my hotel shares.

What?
Yeah.

She's giving everything back.

See?

You do the right thing
and good things happen.

(laughs softly)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, Jane,

after all your
telenovela watching,

you should know by now,
that's not true.

I know it's not how you
wanted to get the hotel back,

but it's still a good thing.

My sister signed this
last night.

All the shares
are now back in my name.

Oh, well, unfortunately, due
to your sister's mental state,

she's not allowed to change
any contractual agreement.

What does that mean?
It reverts

to the original agreement
she signed six weeks ago,

which stated in the event
of her incapacitation,

all her hotel
shares go to...

I am new owner of Marbella!

Good job, Anton.

We did it.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I did tell you

there would be some
very fine acting.