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{\an1}KNOCK ON DOOR
3
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:20,960
You OK, Meg?
4
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,040
Well, the game is now shit,
I've been promoted twice and I hate
5
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:27,680
my job, and I've just been dumped
by the world's most fascinating man.
6
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,240
Did you know he was an accredited
cobbler? Yes. Yeah, I did know that.
7
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:39,600
You know Back To The Future, right?
Or Hot Tub Time Machine,
8
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:44,680
Timecop, Source Code, Looper,
Interstellar, 12 Monkeys,
9
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,160
Time Bandits, Timecrimes,
The Girl Who Leapt Through Time,
10
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,920
The Time Machine,
and various other sequels?
11
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,760
I know some of those films, Meg.
12
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:56,200
Do you ever wish you could just go
back? Well, me and Jay are pretty...
13
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,480
..but no. Totally.
SHE SIGHS
14
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,880
Oh, Meg. Hiya, Mum.
Are you all right? Yeah.
15
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,120
Good. Can I just pop up to my
room quickly?
16
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,920
{\an1}VIDEO MUSIC JINGLES
17
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,160
Behold, retro Kingdom Scrolls,
the glory days.
18
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,920
Look at these low-res polys.
How did we live like this, Meg?
19
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,000
We were just kids, Usman.
We didn't know any better.
20
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,400
This was a different time -
21
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,200
Avril Lavigne and flip phones,
before Facebook came along
22
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,560
and gave mums a platform to sell
kitchen items.
23
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,320
And why are we playing this, again?
24
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,480
Cos, I don't mean to sound harsh,
but it looks fucking shit.
25
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,280
It's just less accessible, you know?
26
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,360
Cos modern Kingdom Scrolls is
just so fucking accessible.
27
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,440
See, I think that's why I liked it,
cos it's accessible.
28
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,000
That's because you basically have a
disability, Russell.
29
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,960
You're gaming disabled.
Or game unable, if you prefer.
30
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,600
My God, it's so basic and
repetitive. Nicky would love this.
31
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:27,280
Where is he anyway? Oh, um, I think
he's getting ready to
32
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,400
meet his girlfriend for the first
time or whatever. Usman!
33
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,560
Guys, I need to bounce,
Zara's making me a big lunch.
34
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,240
Usman, I think it's time.
35
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,080
Oh, boy.
36
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,440
Argh! Ow!
37
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,680
Sorry, Martin just gave me
a dead arm. Martin?
38
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:50,280
Yeah, there's a man living with me
now. It's me, Annette, and Martin.
39
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:54,880
He just goes wherever he wants.
He's like a house cat but a man.
40
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:57,040
A house man.
41
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,440
OK, no, Russell, this is a
nightmare.
42
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,560
Just get out of there and go home.
43
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,560
Holy shit. That's
Bramble Thatch Farm.
44
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,560
That's our old place, mine
and Nicky's, from my old save.
45
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,680
We had cattle, pigs,
a herd of slaves.
46
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,800
We lived here, just me and Nicky
and...
47
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,720
{\an1}THUDDING IN GAME
48
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,680
CHILD IN GAME: Mama, papa.
Mama, papa.
49
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:25,240
Mama, papa. Mama, papa.
50
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,760
Oh, my God. Tobias?
51
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,880
Oh, um... For Daisy.
52
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:36,680
What's on the menu?
What is this giant meat here?
53
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,960
Veal flanks. OK.
54
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,840
I don't think the flanks are going
to fit in the slow cooker, Nicky.
55
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,240
That's why I've got the hand axe.
56
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,840
Sure, I just think any meal that
involves an axe,
57
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,800
maybe not on a first date.
58
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:53,200
Totally. God, it is so good
you're here. You know so much.
59
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:58,080
Yeah, and what are you serving with
the veal flanks.
60
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:03,960
Yams! Interesting, because it
doesn't sound much like a dinner,
61
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,080
does it, Nicky, Flanks and yams?
62
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,560
It sort of does. Flanks and yams.
Yams and flanks. Like surf and turf.
63
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,600
Quite heavy as a meal. No, but that
is good, you see.
64
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,880
If I was a girl and a man cooked me
a meal, I would want him
65
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,440
to make me something really massive
and filling. You know?
66
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:21,160
Like, "I fancy you so much, I want
your stomach to be really full."
67
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,240
Depends, really, on whether you're
thinking of having sex later
68
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,840
because it will sit quite heavy,
the mashed yam,
69
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,840
as a kind of cushion for the sheer
metric weight of the flanks.
70
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,320
Because I also got quite a big
Christmas pudding for dessert.
71
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,680
Yeah, you're not going to want
Christmas pudding, Nicky,
72
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,800
not after the big yam-flank
double-header.
73
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:40,160
Plus, because ours is getting
quite disgusting -
74
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,640
bit of an impulse buy really...
75
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,960
{\an1}HE GROANS
76
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,520
I bought a new toilet.
77
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,960
Because I thought about cleaning
ours but then I thought maybe it's
78
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,280
just better to start from scratch,
you know, like a hard reboot?
79
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,080
But then I watched a YouTube
video on it
80
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,880
and realised toilets aren't
like light bulbs, in that they're
81
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,680
actually really quite
difficult to change.
82
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,000
Now I'm thinking I probably
shouldn't have brought it.
83
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,840
Just try and keep it tidy
because Jay's coming over to stay
84
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,040
and he's not really into this
flatmate shit.
85
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:08,000
He's encouraging me
to be more grown-up.
86
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,560
How could you be more grown-up,
Alison?
87
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,560
Get an artificial hip, start leaving
voicemails? Oh, look at this!
88
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:18,840
The big preparations. Meat, yams,
a new toilet.
89
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,320
All angles covered.
90
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,160
I just hope you know what you're
doing, Nicky. Look, I get it.
91
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,280
It's a big deal.
92
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,600
When you meet someone IRL
you open yourself up, right?
93
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,480
Will it happen? Who knows? If it
happens, it happens.
94
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,200
It might happen.
It might not happen.
95
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,360
Let's just see if it happens.
96
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,960
I am of course talking about murder.
Murder? Oh, she could be a murderer.
97
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,000
Big time, yeah. I will just make
sure I've got a weapon. OK.
98
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,000
No, Nicky. Not like a crossbow,
Alison. Jesus.
99
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,440
You know, room weapon.
Lampshade, heavy wooden fruit
100
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:50,640
bowl, so I can, you know,
brain her if she goes psychotic. Oh.
101
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:57,920
By the way, in case you cared, he's
still alive.
102
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:02,120
Tobias, Nicky. Our boy.
103
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:08,760
Tobias is alive? I found him on my
server. Little Toby. OK, I'm sorry.
104
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,520
I can feel my throat trying
to claw these words back
105
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,080
as escape from my mouth.
But who the fuck is Tobias?
106
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,560
Here's an NPC child in
Kingdom Scrolls,
107
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,440
controlled by the computer.
108
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,960
Um, we were supposed to escort him
across a desert
109
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,680
and reunite him with his parents,
110
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,400
then we figured out that if we lured
Tobias home with us,
111
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,840
then we could brick him in and keep
him indefinitely.
112
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:34,320
And then the new version came out,
we migrated eight years ago.
113
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:38,040
You bricked a child in a room
for eight years? Not just any child.
114
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,080
We used to role-play that he was
ours. Hang on, you two had a son?
115
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,560
An adopted son, yes. And I think it
116
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,840
is finally time to reunite him with
his birth parents. OK, mate.
117
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,680
I don't have time for this
because I need to get the dinner on
118
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,560
because apparently you're only
a real person now
119
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,560
if you cook
something for fucking ages.
120
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,800
Bake a potato for nine years,
watch a Poldark...
121
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,040
{\an1}KNOCKING ON DOOR
122
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,240
Hello? Hi, is this Nicky's place?
123
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,280
My phone ran out of battery on the
Megabus
124
00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,120
and I'm quite dramatically early.
125
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,200
WHISPERS: What kind of sociopath
arrives three hours early?
126
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,640
{\an1}KNOCKING CONTINUES
127
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,960
Nicky. Nicky, look at me.
You need to let her in.
128
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,240
Christ.
129
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:20,720
Daisy?
130
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:26,880
I bought an ice cream at the kebab
shop. Worst decision I ever made.
131
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,080
Would you like to come in or have
you immediately changed your mind?
132
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,960
I haven't changed my mind yet
based on the available data set
133
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,600
but, you know, that is admittedly
quite small. Great.
134
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,200
Unless you don't want me to come in.
I don't have to. No, God. No, no.
135
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,080
I really want you to come in.
136
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:45,240
Yeah, not aggressively. I'm not
being pushy. You don't have to.
137
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,840
There are women here.
Look at the women.
138
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,800
Hello. These aren't captives. They
are just normal free-range women.
139
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:57,200
Look very happy, the woman, even if
they are enslaved.
140
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,320
Yeah, they do, don't they?
Boop, boop.
141
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,320
{\an1}HE CHUCKLES
142
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,680
Is that yes? Yeah, come on in.
143
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:09,760
This is Daisy. That's Daisy. She's
here. She has come. Welcome to...
144
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,960
Daisy's here! Hi, I'm Meg.
145
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,840
Sorry, I didn't quite catch your
name. Daisy. Yeah. Yeah.
146
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:21,760
I love your hair and you've got such
an amazing array of teeth.
147
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,960
Oh!
148
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:30,360
Gosh, thanks. Thank you. Alison.
Alison, yeah, incredible posture.
149
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,600
And skin.
150
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,600
And your hands are perhaps
the loveliest hands
151
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,000
I've seen in a while. Gosh, thanks.
152
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,520
So...
153
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,360
{\an1}DAISY CLEARS THROAT
154
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,800
So, um, I've set a heritage server
up, retro Kingdom Scrolls.
155
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:47,600
She doesn't need to know about
that, Meg. No, no, no.
156
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:48,840
I love old Kingdom Scrolls!
157
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,120
Yeah, I was, like, raised on it!
Same!
158
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,760
Um, we were going back to
a mission on an old save.
159
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,680
We're reuniting Tobias
with his parents. Tobias,
160
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,600
oh, my gosh, the little NPC kid.
161
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,640
Yeah, with the dirty knees and the
no face. Yeah.
162
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,040
Oh, I fucking love that kid!
163
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:06,240
Us to. We abducted him. You can
abduct Tobias?!
164
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,880
It's just a stupid joke. I don't
really... I'm not involved.
165
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,800
No, it's awesome. That's so cool!
Yeah, impressive.
166
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,640
Such a long abduction. Yeah. Yeah,
167
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,240
we were thinking about finally
finishing the mission, you know,
168
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:20,480
finally sending him home. Yeah,
count me in. I'm up for it, totally!
169
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,120
What, do you mean like the three of
us
170
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,840
together? Yeah, of course, I
mean, you know, it'll be fun.
171
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,320
Like a three way.
172
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,720
Ha! Ha!
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
173
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,760
No, that's cool.
Yeah, I'm cool with that. Sounds...
174
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:42,240
Cool. Cool. Shall we retire to the
boud...? Yeah.
175
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,160
Do you actually mind if I
probably bin this? Yes!
176
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,360
Yeah, the bin is just there.
It's like I'm holding a... Ah!
177
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,920
"Hello! What are your thoughts,
Mr Prime Minister?"
178
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:56,640
I don't... I'm not... I'll get rid
of that. Sorry. That's...
179
00:09:56,680 --> 00:10:00,200
Yeah, cool. I'm just going to
put this in the bin.
180
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,960
Oh, go... Oh. Yep. It's fine.
Alison...
181
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,240
Alison is really good at clearing
up. Ooh, sorry.
182
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,560
This way, my lady.
Just through here. OK.
183
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:21,280
Three plates, three glasses. One
flank, three ways with a hand axe.
184
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:26,760
A mass of wild yams, split three
ways. And Christmas pud for afters!
185
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,840
This is so amazing. The three of us
playing together, it just works.
186
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,840
She's amazing. I fucking love her.
God, she's so amazing.
187
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,680
Sounds weird but I get it now,
I do. She deserves a new toilet.
188
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,240
She totally deserves a new toilet.
189
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:44,080
She shouldn't have to expose her
buttocks to that limescaled
190
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,000
atrocity in there.
191
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,840
My, the meal is so dense it might
actually crack a plate.
192
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:52,360
We're cooking dinner for Daisy.
Division of labour.
193
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,520
She's looking after Tobias while we
cook and then later, at the end of
194
00:10:55,560 --> 00:11:00,200
the day, we will just sleep together
in a pile in front of the fire.
195
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,200
I'm sorry if you find that
confronting, Alison.
196
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,480
I literally didn't say anything.
197
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,720
Is not like we're some weirdo
three-way sex cult with me
198
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,080
as the de facto leader.
199
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,600
Having said that, we are always
on the lookout for more womenfolk.
200
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,200
Extra pair of hands would make short
work of the raisin harvest.
201
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,680
Once we've return Tobias we are
202
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,560
thinking of retiring to
Bramble Thatch Farm.
203
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,440
Opening up the muffin stand in
time for another winter festival.
204
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,560
Me and Daisy wearing matching
bonnets, if you're into that.
205
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,360
Oh...
206
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:26,000
It's so tempting but no thank you.
207
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:29,480
And if you could keep this to a dull
roar cos Jay is here.
208
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,800
He's here? yeah, we're
brainstorming ways to break it to
209
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,400
Kerry about our relationship,
turn it into a kind of an event,
210
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,400
like a gender reveal party
but for infidelity.
211
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,560
I don't know.
212
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,800
I just hope you've got this shit
locked down, Nicky, you and Daisy,
213
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,800
because she is a great fit for us.
214
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,840
Meg, of course I've got
this shit lockdown.
215
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,240
Although, now I think of it, I can't
remember any actual physical
216
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,760
contact since she arrived.
What, none?
217
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,880
None at all? Right,
you need to get in there
218
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,840
and you need to touch her right now.
219
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,040
Meg, I'm not going in there
and touching her.
220
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,640
What if she is only your friend,
Nicky?
221
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:04,760
What if she is not even your
girlfriend and you have gone
222
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:08,440
so in love with her that you brought
her a fucking toilet?!
223
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:15,120
Just get in there, pile her full
of yams, and lock this shit down!
224
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:18,040
Yeah, OK. Oh, fuck!
225
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,000
Mama, Papa.
226
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,200
Right, just need to escort Tobias
across the desert of skulls.
227
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,800
Oh, do you actually mind
if we take a quick breather?
228
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:31,240
I think I've got a veal hangover.
That was an incredibly hefty meal.
229
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,920
Thank you. I just think I feel a bit
claggy. You know?
230
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:40,880
Mmm, claggy, I love that. The first
sign of a good feed.
231
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,000
Yeah.
232
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,960
Oh.
233
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:49,120
Do you want me to rub it for you?
Your throat?
234
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,960
Like a throat rub? Just sort of
like?
235
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:57,480
Just massage the Adam's apple, just
to aid digestion, really.
236
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:01,280
I don't actually have an Adam's
apple. Thank you.
237
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,560
Oh, course you don't. Sorry!
238
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,080
I was... Right, let's get back to
it. Sure.
239
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,400
USMAN: Hey, guys,
240
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,080
contractions are slow this end so
we've got some time.
241
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,040
Whose contractions?
Who do you think? Zara, my wife.
242
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,120
Wait, she's pregnant?
243
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:22,440
She is pregnant as balls, as
I believe the obstetricians say.
244
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:23,600
Holy shit, Usman.
245
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,720
I know.
I can't believe it myself. A baby!
246
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,480
Because I've got two children
and, what, now a third?
247
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,640
The mind boggles,
it really, truly does.
248
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,520
And she's OK, yeah, Zara?
Oh, she's fine.
249
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,880
I was stroking her arm
and I thought, "This is so cute,
250
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,720
"this is really helping her
to sleep."
251
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,920
So I rigged up an electric fan to
a bit of wire coat hanger with
252
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:48,640
a bit of feather on the end
and she is loving it.
253
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:51,760
I'm just glad I could be here
to do that for her.
254
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,680
Oh, tits on a snake, I'm dead!
255
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,320
OK, Nicky, Daisy is dead. Let's both
kill ourselves and start again.
256
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:58,480
Totally. Let's kill ourselves
so we can be dead with Daisy.
257
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,840
No, it's fine. If you're halfway
through just go on ahead without me.
258
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:04,160
Daisy, we're a three now. A golden
triangle. We do this together.
259
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,000
No, you have to finish what you
started.
260
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,280
You're his mum and you're his dad.
It's a big deal, I get it.
261
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,720
I mean, not really.
262
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,280
It's just some stupid role play
thing
263
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:13,760
from 40,000 years ago or whatever.
264
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,520
A little more than that but,
yeah, no, he's right.
265
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,800
It's not like we're fucking
married or anything.
266
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,360
Although we were briefly in
Kingdom Scrolls but that was just...
267
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,520
Just for the XP.
268
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,360
Cos there is no feelings or
whatever. Oh, fuck my slippers, no.
269
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:28,080
God, actually makes my pubes
turn grey just thinking about it.
270
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,960
My pubes are visibly falling out.
271
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,200
You can't see them because they are
in my trousers but they are.
272
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:37,920
TPA. Total pube alopecia.
Lot of pube chat.
273
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,120
If I actually had any
feelings for Meg, would I do this?
274
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,120
{\an1}SHE LAUGHS
275
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,800
Exactly!
And would I then go like this?
276
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,320
See? Clonk!
277
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,800
Careful on the old elementals there,
Meg.
278
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:03,520
Oh-ho-ho! Smiting your game wife,
not a great look, Nicky.
279
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:07,160
Look at us, hey? A domestic.
What will the neighbours say?
280
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,640
They will probably say,
281
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,120
"Wow, that hunchback is really
ragging on that man boy in a cape."
282
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,360
Not a man boy, Meg.
She's got very narrow shoulders.
283
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,480
Oh, your total goggle-eyed bitch!
284
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,240
Uh-oh. No, my mouse is lagging!
285
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:30,360
Nicky... Nicky, no!
Just think of Tobias. No, come on...
286
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:39,800
{\an1}SHE GASPS
287
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,520
{\an1}HE BREATHES HEAVILY
288
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,920
See?
289
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,600
Absolutely no feelings whatsoever.
290
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,600
OK. Well, she's in here.
291
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:52,800
Ha-ha! OK. All that unsaved progress
up in smoke, nice.
292
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,640
Wait, no, Nicky. That's my room.
Nicky! No, no, no!
293
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,200
Oh, my God! What the fuck, Nicky?
You did it to me!
294
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,440
Yeah, but only because you stoned
my head in in front of our son!
295
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:04,960
What, do you think he saw?
296
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,000
He doesn't even have a fucking face,
Meg?
297
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,320
What the fuck is going on here?
Thank God! OK.
298
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,960
Well, Nicky has assaulted me, and
I did not want to play this card,
299
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,560
Alison, but I am basically just
a victim of spousal abuse!
300
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,840
Enough! You've woken up Jay and, God
knows, he needs his sleep right now.
301
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,680
Also, earlier, in the kitchen,
he finds a toilet
302
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,760
and a significant quantity
of leftover boiled yams.
303
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,160
And how the fuck am I supposed to
explain that?!
304
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,240
Now, I put up with
a lot from you two
305
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,520
and I just think perhaps it might be
time, not immediately,
306
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:38,320
not tonight, but one day that you
think about finding your own place.
307
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,800
Because, you know, Jay might want to
move in at some point
308
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,720
and the kids are going to
want their own room,
309
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,640
and he's got dogs,
which I've just found out about.
310
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,240
Fuck! Finally it all becomes
311
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:52,040
clear because I thought you were
just being a mate, Alison.
312
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,800
You know, "Get a boyfriend, Meg.
Drink more water. Go outside, Meg.
313
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,800
"Oh, nutrients!"
314
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,440
Alison, were you just trying to
turn me into a normal person
315
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,600
so that I would leave your flat?
What? No!
316
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,040
Getting me over my addiction,
317
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,600
Healthy balance,
normalising my libido?
318
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:10,440
Alison, have you been preparing me
for the real world.
319
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,840
I mean, what the
fuck is this, Alison?
320
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,680
Is this some kind of jihadi training
camp but instead of teaching people
321
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,040
to blow themselves up, you teach
them
322
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,080
how to get themselves a boyfriend
or make a poke bowl?!
323
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:23,360
It's actually po-KE.
Oh, big fat shit, Alison!
324
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:28,560
I'm not saying now. I'm just saying
you can't stay here forever.
325
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,440
That's fine. We didn't even want to
stay here forever, did we, Nicky?
326
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,800
Actually, I think perhaps I did.
So I'm just playing catch up.
327
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,080
{\an1}MEG SCOFFS
328
00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:46,240
Nicky?
329
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,880
Oh...
330
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,360
Right, so that's my supposedly
girlfriend
331
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,920
inside the bivouacked tent
inside the living room.
332
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,000
And finally
my sexual humiliation is complete.
333
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,480
Just so glad you were both here to
share it with me.
334
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,200
Oh, hey.
335
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:16,880
Hello!
336
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,720
I like your tent. Thanks.
337
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,640
Essentially just
a polyester body bag.
338
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:26,720
Weirdly, they called
339
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:30,560
and offered a deal on an earlier
flight back to Salzburg.
340
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,680
Well, that was nice of them.
341
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:37,160
So I just pushed a button on an
Uber and, yeah, it's two minutes.
342
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,800
And, uh, in terms of, like, you and
me.
343
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:46,280
Yeah, I just don't know
if I'm equipped for this content.
344
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,240
You and Meg...
345
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,320
It's just, I'm an emotional invalid
346
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:54,400
and this here seems like some pretty
harsh psychological terrain.
347
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:58,760
Sort of like a psychosexual Mordor
but it's been super fun.
348
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:06,760
Oh. Oh. Oh, sorry. Nice mallet.
Yeah, it's for the tent.
349
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,520
Also to use as a cosh in case you
turned out to be some
350
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,400
sort of berserk pervert. Oh!
351
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:16,400
That's so weird. I actually had
a lampshade ready for you. Donk!
352
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,960
Oh, my god! Yeah. We were both
totally ready to slay each other.
353
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:29,680
Going forward, um, would it be OK
if I called you my ex-girlfriend?
354
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:32,840
Oh, uh...
355
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,800
I guess that would be fine.
OK then, great.
356
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,840
TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION
Will do.
357
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,360
Arriving now.
358
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:46,520
Great, one minute early.
Fucked by the algorithm once again.
359
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:47,880
Yeah. Um...
360
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,600
Bye, then, waving guy.
361
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:56,840
Bye.
362
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,240
USMAN: My God, I've just
rubbed my wife's back
363
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,480
so hard I've given myself thumb
cramps.
364
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,480
I was taking a 40 minute
comfort break.
365
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,600
Usman, don't you think
you should be in there with her?
366
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:16,240
Well, in a very real way,
I already am.
367
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,320
I rigged up a pillow with
a Bluetooth speaker inside it and
368
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,880
I've recorded over 60 unique phrases
which are playing on shuffle.
369
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,120
"Push, honey."
370
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,600
"You're doing great."
371
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:27,120
HE GASPS
"I can see the head!"
372
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,680
So where are we on the mission?
You know what, Usman?
373
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:33,480
I've turned a blind eye more times
than I can remember.
374
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,760
I mean, that time you
logged on from the vestibule
375
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,840
at your cousin's memorial service.
376
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,280
No, shut down the laptop,
get back in there or, God help me,
377
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,080
I will smite you down myself.
378
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,800
What am I doing?
379
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:49,080
I'm about to become a father
for the third time and, look at me,
380
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,440
hiding by the dialysis clinic
and meanwhile my beautiful wife
381
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,920
is being serviced by a desk fan
and a talking pillow.
382
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,240
No, I'm out of here! Meg, thank you,
but you are on your own.
383
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:05,400
{\an1}MOBILE RINGS
384
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:10,800
{\an1}Hello?
ALISON CRYING
385
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:14,880
OK. Alison, slow down.
Jay just broke up with me!
386
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:17,920
Nicky!
387
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:27,080
Go and ask her if she's OK.
I can't ask her if she's OK, Meg.
388
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:30,920
I'm visibly making the tea.
I'm visibly making the tea.
389
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,840
Nicky...
390
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:34,200
Fine then, Nicky!
391
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:45,440
Are you OK, mate? No, I don't...
I don't want to talk about it.
392
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:46,680
I just want to get drunk.
393
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,920
Just anything to stop
myself from thinking.
394
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:56,720
I mean...
if it's mindlessness you're after.
395
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,840
Here comes the pain train,
motherfuckers!
396
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:07,120
Alison, Alison, Alison!
They are all dead, Alison.
397
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:12,160
Oh, sorry.
I'm just getting used to it.
398
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,960
RUSSELL: Hey, guys. What did I miss?
399
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,000
Oh, my God, Russell. Please tell me
you made it out of Annette's.
400
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,320
Yeah, because guess what,
one of my friends from the game
401
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:23,320
offered me a place to stay
so I just got on the next plane.
402
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,040
Sorry, you got on a plane?
403
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:29,720
Yeah...to the Philippines.
I've moved to the Philippines!
404
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,720
I've really landed on my feet
this time.
405
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,400
Russell, get me
a can of Mountain Dew
406
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,720
and angle the desk fan
towards my arse crack.
407
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:45,800
{\an1}HE SINGS TO HIMSELF
408
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:46,840
Shut up.
409
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,320
NICKY: We did it. We finally did it.
410
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,720
Finally. Mama, Papa!
411
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,520
He's home. Back where he belongs.
412
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,920
Oh, my God. Is Kingdom Scrolls
usually this emotional?
413
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,640
Alison, do you honestly think
I would play it
414
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,000
if it was as heart-stirring as this?
415
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,480
So what's next? Another cy-mish?
416
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,960
Bring it on. I never want to
leave the flat again.
417
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:30,280
I have waited for you to say those
words my entire adult life, Alison.
418
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:35,200
Guys, I have an announcement to make
and it's pretty damn huge.
419
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,320
It's going mobile.
420
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,480
They just announced
Kingdom Scrolls Go
421
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:42,840
for iPhone and Android!
422
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,120
# Kingdoms Scrolls
423
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,240
# It's fun for young and old
424
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:54,720
# We come to fight for gold
425
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:58,560
# An experience board
426
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,600
# Kingdoms Scrolls
427
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,000
# I love thee, Kingdoms Scrolls
428
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,680
# Just like... #
429
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,880
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429
00:24:26,305 --> 00:25:26,272
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