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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:03,869
? I wouldn't touch your junk if I'd been poisoned ?
2
00:00:03,908 --> 00:00:05,675
? And the antidote was in your sperm ?
3
00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:07,298
? I know that this might be uncouth ?
4
00:00:07,352 --> 00:00:11,805
? But I've decided to tell you the tru-u-u-th ?
5
00:00:11,864 --> 00:00:14,199
? My self-esteem's not low enough to date you ?
6
00:00:14,238 --> 00:00:16,773
? It's close, but not quite there ?
7
00:00:16,796 --> 00:00:18,713
? Give me time to get a little more desperate ?
8
00:00:18,751 --> 00:00:23,805
? And you and I can make an awesome pa-a-a-ir ?
9
00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:27,986
? A totally awesome pair ?
10
00:00:29,532 --> 00:00:31,367
Thank you.
11
00:00:31,421 --> 00:00:32,921
I feel good
about "Self Esteem"
12
00:00:32,959 --> 00:00:34,542
and "This Party Just Took
a Turn for the Douche."
13
00:00:34,596 --> 00:00:35,680
Yeah, and the ball song
needs a little bit of work,
14
00:00:35,716 --> 00:00:37,100
but it's getting there.
Yeah.
15
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,272
What about instead
of going ? balls ?
16
00:00:39,310 --> 00:00:41,344
We go like ? balls,
balls, balls, balls ?
17
00:00:41,366 --> 00:00:43,284
Yeah, I like that.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
18
00:00:43,322 --> 00:00:44,522
I'll write it down.
Cool.
19
00:00:44,542 --> 00:00:45,742
Hey, nice set, girls.
20
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:48,630
Oh, thanks, Thomas.
Thanks, Thomas.
21
00:00:48,671 --> 00:00:50,038
Riki.
22
00:00:50,059 --> 00:00:53,428
Oh, hey.
So, what did you think?
23
00:00:53,485 --> 00:00:55,769
I can't believe you wrote a song
about my balls.
24
00:00:55,824 --> 00:00:57,158
I didn't.
25
00:00:57,195 --> 00:00:59,113
Oh, oh, so, it's about
some other guy's balls?
26
00:00:59,168 --> 00:01:00,785
I mean, how many balls
have you seen?
27
00:01:00,839 --> 00:01:04,408
Um, two, four, six, seven.
28
00:01:04,433 --> 00:01:06,434
Seven?
I'm kidding.
29
00:01:06,473 --> 00:01:07,940
You humiliated me.
30
00:01:07,976 --> 00:01:09,593
I mean, everyone keeps
looking at me like,
31
00:01:09,615 --> 00:01:10,865
"Oh, hey,
he must be the one
32
00:01:10,902 --> 00:01:12,268
with the gray
hangy ghost scrotum."
33
00:01:12,289 --> 00:01:14,774
Look, I'm sorry
if I hurt your feelings,
34
00:01:14,796 --> 00:01:16,246
but the song
wasn't about you.
35
00:01:16,283 --> 00:01:17,334
We've been on two dates.
36
00:01:17,387 --> 00:01:18,754
I've never even seen
your balls.
37
00:01:18,791 --> 00:01:22,060
And now you never will.
38
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,911
I feel like you're supposed to
leave after you say that.
39
00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:31,457
God.
40
00:01:31,494 --> 00:01:32,845
That sounded bad.
41
00:01:32,882 --> 00:01:34,216
I just don't get
42
00:01:34,269 --> 00:01:35,352
why everyone takes
everything so personally.
43
00:01:35,389 --> 00:01:36,806
I know.
It's like that time
44
00:01:36,843 --> 00:01:38,277
that guy I dated
thought we wrote a song
45
00:01:38,314 --> 00:01:39,882
about how he sounded
like a bike pump in bed.
46
00:01:39,919 --> 00:01:41,036
We did.
47
00:01:41,072 --> 00:01:42,623
Oh, yeah,
the bike pump song.
48
00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:43,743
Yeah.
49
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:54,939
? You, yeah, you, you're really cool ?
50
00:01:54,996 --> 00:01:56,614
? You can be anything you wanna be ?
51
00:01:56,668 --> 00:01:59,453
? No time to fly, I'm talking to you ?
52
00:01:59,509 --> 00:02:01,210
? No hablo Espa�ol ?
53
00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:03,465
? Let's see you move forward, stand your ground ?
54
00:02:03,521 --> 00:02:05,522
? Hang in there while you're doing it ?
55
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,145
? And sail away into the sunset, baby ?
56
00:02:08,201 --> 00:02:11,153
? Dream your dreams into the sky ?
57
00:02:11,209 --> 00:02:13,794
? Oh, yeah, you really got it, yeah, now you really got it ?
58
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:15,467
? Yeah, hey, you really got it, yeah ?
59
00:02:15,505 --> 00:02:17,472
? Don't stop being cool ?
60
00:02:18,230 --> 00:02:20,431
Oh, it's Daniel.
61
00:02:20,469 --> 00:02:21,603
"You up?"
62
00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:23,023
It's 8:30.
63
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:24,411
You really just need
to break up with him.
64
00:02:24,447 --> 00:02:26,081
I don't know.
That's so mean.
65
00:02:26,119 --> 00:02:27,919
I'm trying
to let him down easy.
66
00:02:27,958 --> 00:02:29,959
"About to fall asleep."
67
00:02:29,997 --> 00:02:31,965
There.
That should do it.
68
00:02:32,003 --> 00:02:33,387
Oh, Thomas is on.
Want to go watch?
69
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,024
Let's do it.
70
00:02:35,061 --> 00:02:37,680
All the women in L.A.
are, like, drop-dead gorgeous,
71
00:02:37,719 --> 00:02:40,704
and I say that despite what's
going on in the crowd right now.
72
00:02:41,798 --> 00:02:43,382
I've got a nice place.
73
00:02:43,419 --> 00:02:45,387
My brother's been staying
with me for a couple weeks.
74
00:02:45,425 --> 00:02:47,209
It's been awful.
My brother's crazy.
75
00:02:47,246 --> 00:02:49,147
I opened up the door
the other day.
76
00:02:49,186 --> 00:02:51,103
Caught him masturbating.
77
00:02:51,158 --> 00:02:53,076
He goes, "Shut the door."
78
00:02:53,114 --> 00:02:55,749
I said, "Get inside."
79
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,096
Where's the accountant?
80
00:03:00,134 --> 00:03:01,751
He thought I wrong a song
about his balls.
81
00:03:01,772 --> 00:03:03,473
Men never like that,
do they? Mnh-mnh.
82
00:03:03,527 --> 00:03:05,261
You need to stop dating
off the rack, honey.
83
00:03:05,283 --> 00:03:06,599
Stop wasting your time
84
00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:08,487
with these forgettable
normies like John.
85
00:03:08,542 --> 00:03:09,792
Dave.
Todd.
86
00:03:09,829 --> 00:03:11,446
See?
Why don't you date a comic?
87
00:03:11,467 --> 00:03:15,219
They're hot, they're funny,
they're depressed, like you.
88
00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:16,395
They are hot.
89
00:03:16,432 --> 00:03:18,566
He talks about you
all the time.
90
00:03:18,604 --> 00:03:19,804
And he's not gonna care
91
00:03:19,824 --> 00:03:21,108
if you sing a song
about his balls.
92
00:03:21,145 --> 00:03:22,496
He'll probably
insist on it.
93
00:03:22,532 --> 00:03:24,333
God, I bet they're, like,
totally tight
94
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,955
and not hangy at all.
95
00:03:25,992 --> 00:03:28,461
You know, I can never really
tell how many are in there.
96
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:29,800
It doesn't really matter.
97
00:03:29,836 --> 00:03:31,003
Either way,
it's disgusting.
98
00:03:31,023 --> 00:03:32,673
Just makes me nervous,
though.
99
00:03:32,695 --> 00:03:34,229
Like, if it doesn't work out,
which it probably won't,
100
00:03:34,283 --> 00:03:35,867
I'll have to see him
all the time at shows.
101
00:03:35,905 --> 00:03:37,121
Yeah, it's like
what they say.
102
00:03:37,158 --> 00:03:38,742
Don't shit.
103
00:03:38,796 --> 00:03:39,996
Where you eat?
104
00:03:40,032 --> 00:03:41,633
You guys have been
a great crowd.
105
00:03:41,671 --> 00:03:43,506
Who's ready for a lady?
106
00:03:43,543 --> 00:03:45,060
Am I so stupid
for wanting to do this?
107
00:03:45,097 --> 00:03:46,598
No, you haven't had sex
in forever.
108
00:03:46,652 --> 00:03:48,269
Plus, it'll help you
forget about Todd.
109
00:03:48,323 --> 00:03:49,774
Oh, right. Yes.
110
00:03:49,828 --> 00:03:52,863
Give it up
for Miss Vivian St. Charles.
111
00:03:52,903 --> 00:03:54,004
Show time.
112
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,624
Hold this.
113
00:03:55,678 --> 00:03:58,380
Good luck.
Hi.
114
00:03:58,419 --> 00:03:59,436
Hey, good show.
115
00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,089
Oh, yeah, I heard.
116
00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:02,193
Do you, uh,
want to go outside
117
00:04:02,231 --> 00:04:03,314
and have a cigarette
with me?
118
00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:04,534
I don't smoke.
119
00:04:04,571 --> 00:04:06,905
Neither do I.
Come on.
120
00:04:09,251 --> 00:04:10,468
A great set tonight.
121
00:04:10,504 --> 00:04:11,921
You already said that.
122
00:04:11,958 --> 00:04:14,143
Yeah, but this time,
I'm talking about your tits.
123
00:04:14,181 --> 00:04:15,298
Oh, thanks.
124
00:04:15,318 --> 00:04:17,019
You were really funny,
too.
125
00:04:17,074 --> 00:04:18,074
Obviously.
126
00:04:18,110 --> 00:04:19,444
No, seriously.
127
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,581
Watching you is,
like, such a turn-on.
128
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:22,819
You must want me
pretty bad.
129
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,758
God, I do.
I want you all the time.
130
00:04:24,795 --> 00:04:26,012
You must go to sleep
thinking about me,
131
00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:27,400
wake yourself up
masturbating.
132
00:04:27,436 --> 00:04:29,504
Yeah, I do.
God, how did you know that?
133
00:04:29,526 --> 00:04:31,026
'Cause I do the same.
Yeah.
134
00:04:31,064 --> 00:04:32,948
Oh, my God, we should do it
right here, right now.
135
00:04:32,986 --> 00:04:34,453
Yeah, hot, dirty sex
in the alley.
136
00:04:34,491 --> 00:04:36,525
Two condoms?
No condom,
137
00:04:36,547 --> 00:04:38,581
right here against the wall
so no one enjoys it.
138
00:04:38,635 --> 00:04:40,886
We can critique each other's
comedy, you hack bitch.
139
00:04:42,012 --> 00:04:42,929
No lube. No nothing?
140
00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:44,265
No.
That'll be perfect.
141
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:45,552
Yeah,
pretend I'm your mother.
142
00:04:45,573 --> 00:04:47,907
Oh, my God.
You look just like my mom.
143
00:04:47,946 --> 00:04:49,580
Or we could have sex
in your bed.
144
00:04:51,339 --> 00:04:52,873
Wait, are you still
doing a bit?
145
00:04:52,909 --> 00:04:54,043
I'm sorry. I can't tell
if you're joking anymore.
146
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,681
Am I? I don't know.
147
00:04:55,719 --> 00:04:57,136
Are you m...
are you messing with me?
148
00:04:57,190 --> 00:04:58,557
This is not cool.
149
00:04:58,593 --> 00:05:00,778
Yeah, I'm totally messing
with you...
150
00:05:00,816 --> 00:05:03,367
About the no-condom part.
151
00:05:03,407 --> 00:05:05,625
And the alley part.
152
00:05:05,664 --> 00:05:06,781
Other than that, I'm not.
153
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:09,552
No?
No.
154
00:05:09,592 --> 00:05:11,626
I'm gonna put my tongue
in you.
155
00:05:11,648 --> 00:05:12,848
Hmm.
156
00:05:21,827 --> 00:05:23,461
Hey.
157
00:05:23,498 --> 00:05:24,598
Hey.
158
00:05:24,636 --> 00:05:26,186
Thanks for picking me up.
159
00:05:26,224 --> 00:05:28,174
Uh-huh.
So, did you do it?
160
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:30,730
You did it, didn't you?
You did it!
161
00:05:30,786 --> 00:05:32,370
Oh, God! Thank God!
162
00:05:32,407 --> 00:05:33,791
It's been way too long
since you've had intercourse.
163
00:05:33,829 --> 00:05:36,864
Intercourse? Ew.
I prefer coitus. Hmm.
164
00:05:36,888 --> 00:05:39,005
Well, I brought
your antidepressants. They're in my pocketbook.
165
00:05:39,043 --> 00:05:41,395
Oh, thank God.
Also, "pocketbook"?
166
00:05:41,433 --> 00:05:43,151
It's where my nana
kept her emory board.
167
00:05:43,189 --> 00:05:44,323
Hmm.
168
00:05:47,535 --> 00:05:49,286
Glug, glug.
169
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,885
Whoo!
170
00:05:56,394 --> 00:05:58,395
God, I have
the worst gag reflex. I know.
171
00:06:00,038 --> 00:06:01,104
Oh, it's Boomer.
172
00:06:01,124 --> 00:06:02,341
I hate talking
to our agent.
173
00:06:02,378 --> 00:06:03,828
It always makes me
so nervous.
174
00:06:03,882 --> 00:06:04,966
No, don't be nervous.
175
00:06:05,002 --> 00:06:06,586
Remember,
picture him as a puppet.
176
00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:10,463
Hey, Boomer.
Get excited.
177
00:06:10,484 --> 00:06:12,685
I got you an audition
for the new Josh Duncan movie.
178
00:06:12,741 --> 00:06:14,776
What? You know
he's my favorite director.
179
00:06:14,814 --> 00:06:16,248
Well, I just know he wears
sneakers and a suit
180
00:06:16,284 --> 00:06:17,985
and thinks he invented it.
181
00:06:18,007 --> 00:06:21,009
The part is called "Hot Slut,"
and you're perfect for it.
182
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,348
Oh, I don't know.
183
00:06:22,386 --> 00:06:23,803
Yeah, you've got
to really sex it up, now.
184
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,507
They're looking
for someone crazy hot
185
00:06:25,528 --> 00:06:28,780
who can hold their own
against Ben Kingsley, so boom.
186
00:06:28,821 --> 00:06:30,204
Magucci.
Micucci.
187
00:06:30,242 --> 00:06:31,542
Yep, The Cooch.
188
00:06:31,578 --> 00:06:33,329
I'm not really sure
about that.
189
00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:34,718
Oh, come on. You're sexy.
190
00:06:34,754 --> 00:06:36,055
Really?
191
00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:38,510
Yeah, yeah, you're The Cooch.
192
00:06:38,549 --> 00:06:41,068
Okay, yeah.
Send me the script. Thanks.
193
00:06:41,106 --> 00:06:43,157
Do you think
I could be a hot slut?
194
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,496
Yeah, totally.
195
00:06:44,533 --> 00:06:45,533
For a part in a movie?
196
00:06:45,569 --> 00:06:47,504
Oh.
197
00:06:49,882 --> 00:06:52,350
- You ready?
- Yeah.
198
00:06:52,389 --> 00:06:55,274
In walks hot slut, dress
bursting at the seams,
199
00:06:55,314 --> 00:06:57,398
more curves than a man
knows what to do with.
200
00:06:57,436 --> 00:06:59,437
"I thought I told you
to stay away."
201
00:06:59,459 --> 00:07:00,626
"You didn't mean that."
202
00:07:00,662 --> 00:07:02,497
"Leave before
I call the cops."
203
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,752
He closes the blinds.
204
00:07:03,788 --> 00:07:05,389
"You're not gonna
call the cops!"
205
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:06,760
Do it sexier.
206
00:07:06,797 --> 00:07:09,599
"You're not
gonna call the cops."
207
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,477
She grabs his arm.
"I can't."
208
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,418
No, no, no, don't do
the stage directions.
209
00:07:15,455 --> 00:07:17,489
You're not gonna grab
the casting director or anything, so...
210
00:07:17,511 --> 00:07:19,462
Right, okay, okay.
All right, okay.
211
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,385
"I can't do this!
Let me go!"
212
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,507
She kisses him,
then bends over
213
00:07:23,529 --> 00:07:25,564
so he can see
her ample cleavage.
214
00:07:25,619 --> 00:07:27,453
I'll probably need
a different shirt.
215
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:30,025
Yeah.
Do you have anything sexier?
216
00:07:30,048 --> 00:07:31,632
I have
my hummingbird sweater
217
00:07:31,669 --> 00:07:33,587
or my good overalls,
my purple skorts.
218
00:07:33,642 --> 00:07:36,043
That sounds like
the lost-and-found box at Chuck E. Cheese's.
219
00:07:36,066 --> 00:07:38,284
Who takes off their clothes
at Chuck E. Cheese's?
220
00:07:38,322 --> 00:07:39,739
Yeah. See, I have a ton
of slut clothes,
221
00:07:39,776 --> 00:07:41,060
but they won't fit you.
222
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:44,449
Who do we know
that's short and slutty?
223
00:07:44,507 --> 00:07:47,042
I wish you would have
come here earlier.
224
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,132
I just donated my clear heels
to the Salvation Army.
225
00:07:50,189 --> 00:07:53,108
I can't wear a bathing suit
as clothes.
226
00:07:53,148 --> 00:07:54,282
Why not?
227
00:07:56,207 --> 00:07:59,126
Ah, who's drunk texting you,
Kate?
228
00:07:59,165 --> 00:08:01,216
It's probably not a drunk text,
'cause it's noon.
229
00:08:01,255 --> 00:08:03,055
Oh, I don't know.
230
00:08:03,094 --> 00:08:04,227
It's Daniel again.
231
00:08:04,264 --> 00:08:06,131
I don't know
why he's not getting it.
232
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,303
"Busy at work."
Upside-down smiley face.
233
00:08:08,326 --> 00:08:10,143
You mean sad face?
Oh, yeah.
234
00:08:10,164 --> 00:08:11,781
Kate, he's not getting it
'cause you're trying
235
00:08:11,818 --> 00:08:13,252
to break up with him
without breaking up with him.
236
00:08:13,290 --> 00:08:14,456
I just always text back,
237
00:08:14,492 --> 00:08:16,460
"Can you pick up my kids
from school?"
238
00:08:16,498 --> 00:08:19,017
The last guy I dated,
I wrote back, "mailer-daemon."
239
00:08:19,056 --> 00:08:20,807
Mailer-daemon?
That's for e-mail.
240
00:08:20,844 --> 00:08:21,861
Well, it worked.
241
00:08:21,897 --> 00:08:23,014
God, is everybody doing this?
242
00:08:23,034 --> 00:08:24,735
Yeah.
Yeah.
243
00:08:24,790 --> 00:08:26,357
This has to be our new song.
244
00:08:26,378 --> 00:08:28,746
Oh, yeah. We could call it
"The Fadeaway."
245
00:08:28,801 --> 00:08:30,835
Ooh, yeah.
I'm gonna work on it today.
246
00:08:30,873 --> 00:08:33,708
Hey, I thought you were
hanging out with Thomas today.
247
00:08:33,732 --> 00:08:35,266
Oh, but I really want
to write this song.
248
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:36,771
I'm gonna text him.
249
00:08:45,749 --> 00:08:47,550
What about this?
250
00:08:47,588 --> 00:08:49,189
It's a rescue.
251
00:08:49,227 --> 00:08:51,428
I don't know
if I can pull that off.
252
00:08:51,450 --> 00:08:55,619
I'm just...
I'm not, like, sexual.
253
00:08:55,662 --> 00:08:58,630
Then why are you auditioning
for this part?
254
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,256
My acting reel
is pretty bad.
255
00:09:03,535 --> 00:09:05,686
Come on down
to Gouda Nuff Cheesery,
256
00:09:05,741 --> 00:09:08,025
where life can't get
any cheddar!
257
00:09:11,039 --> 00:09:12,256
Whoa!
258
00:09:12,294 --> 00:09:13,794
This man thinks
259
00:09:13,831 --> 00:09:16,850
he is here for a date
with a 13-year-old boy.
260
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,057
Hey, mister,
I'll be right there.
261
00:09:19,113 --> 00:09:21,398
Help yourself
to some lemonade.
262
00:09:22,741 --> 00:09:24,875
At least you don't
get typecast, like I do.
263
00:09:30,094 --> 00:09:32,879
? La-la-la, it's getting late ?
264
00:09:32,903 --> 00:09:34,887
Calm down?!
265
00:09:34,909 --> 00:09:37,578
Don't tell me to calm down when
my twin sister's been murdered!
266
00:09:41,545 --> 00:09:43,879
Kate, this is the first time
267
00:09:43,918 --> 00:09:45,886
I've seen you
look like an actual woman.
268
00:09:45,923 --> 00:09:47,891
Thanks. I know.
269
00:09:47,929 --> 00:09:50,448
I feel pretty good.
270
00:09:54,950 --> 00:09:56,001
I'm kind of stuck.
271
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:57,504
Let's brainstorm.
272
00:09:57,557 --> 00:10:00,175
I like helping people,
'cause I almost never do it.
273
00:10:00,232 --> 00:10:01,516
Yeah?
Yeah.
274
00:10:01,569 --> 00:10:03,353
Okay, well, the song's
called "The Fadeaway,"
275
00:10:03,408 --> 00:10:05,326
and it's, like, when you
try to text a relationship
276
00:10:05,363 --> 00:10:06,997
out of existence
without anyone noticing.
277
00:10:07,035 --> 00:10:08,669
Classic.
Right.
278
00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:10,824
So, I'm trying to think
of things that fade away,
279
00:10:10,846 --> 00:10:14,015
like chalk on a sidewalk
or friends from college.
280
00:10:14,056 --> 00:10:16,107
The first Aunt Viv
from "Fresh Prince."
281
00:10:16,145 --> 00:10:17,345
Oh, you're a genius.
282
00:10:17,365 --> 00:10:18,815
Problem solved.
283
00:10:21,126 --> 00:10:22,576
Oh!
284
00:10:22,630 --> 00:10:24,548
W-what? What did I do?
What's wrong? No, no, no.
285
00:10:24,586 --> 00:10:26,671
What if it's something
that's, like, sad,
286
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:29,043
that fades away,
like Patrick Swayze in "Ghost."
287
00:10:29,065 --> 00:10:32,651
Uh, Native Americans
after the barter system. Yeah.
288
00:10:32,693 --> 00:10:34,393
The love between
your mom and dad.
289
00:10:34,414 --> 00:10:37,116
Please don't talk about my dad
while I'm inside you.
290
00:10:37,173 --> 00:10:39,240
Okay. Good call.
Thank you.
291
00:10:39,261 --> 00:10:40,545
Wait, do you care
if I write this down?
292
00:10:40,582 --> 00:10:41,749
I feel like
I'm gonna forget.
293
00:10:41,769 --> 00:10:43,686
I totally respect
your process.
294
00:10:43,725 --> 00:10:44,891
Okay.
295
00:10:44,927 --> 00:10:46,228
Wait, no, no.
296
00:10:46,265 --> 00:10:47,733
I feel weird about that.
I shouldn't do that.
297
00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:49,204
Let's keep going.
298
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,291
Keep brainstorming, or...
no, no, keep going...
299
00:10:51,329 --> 00:10:52,747
Okay.
...Like this.
300
00:10:54,956 --> 00:10:57,124
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm gonna forget.
301
00:10:57,146 --> 00:10:58,430
I'm gonna write it down.
302
00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,018
Is it okay
if I keep moving?
303
00:11:00,072 --> 00:11:02,406
Back and forth?
Like, clockwise.
304
00:11:02,445 --> 00:11:03,612
Yeah, keep going.
305
00:11:08,161 --> 00:11:10,513
Okay.
Cool. Do you mind if I...
306
00:11:10,552 --> 00:11:11,936
No, keep going.
307
00:11:20,163 --> 00:11:22,631
I'm almost there.
308
00:11:27,283 --> 00:11:28,500
Hey.
309
00:11:28,554 --> 00:11:30,388
Hey. How was it?
So good.
310
00:11:30,426 --> 00:11:32,343
All we've done is work
and have sex.
311
00:11:32,398 --> 00:11:34,066
That's literally
all you think about.
312
00:11:34,103 --> 00:11:35,570
I know.
313
00:11:35,608 --> 00:11:37,075
I've never gotten to do both
at the same time before.
314
00:11:37,112 --> 00:11:38,613
Are you ready
for your audition?
315
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,367
I Skyped with my mom,
and she cried a little.
316
00:11:40,421 --> 00:11:41,655
Ooh, that's a good sign.
317
00:11:41,676 --> 00:11:43,260
Slutty girls always make
their moms cry.
318
00:11:43,297 --> 00:11:46,065
Yeah. It was
a really good feeling.
319
00:11:49,364 --> 00:11:50,197
- Hi.
- Hi.
320
00:11:50,233 --> 00:11:51,534
I'm Josh.
Kate.
321
00:11:51,570 --> 00:11:54,155
How are you?
This is sir Ben. Hello.
322
00:11:54,194 --> 00:11:56,329
Hi. I'm Kate.
323
00:11:56,368 --> 00:11:59,754
Um, am I reading with you?
324
00:11:59,811 --> 00:12:00,894
Yeah.
Okay.
325
00:12:00,931 --> 00:12:02,231
Whenever you're ready.
326
00:12:02,268 --> 00:12:04,320
I thought I told you
to stay away.
327
00:12:04,358 --> 00:12:05,775
Oh, we're, um...
328
00:12:05,828 --> 00:12:07,946
You didn't mean that.
I did.
329
00:12:08,002 --> 00:12:11,204
Now leave
before I call the cops.
330
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:16,251
Oh, we're... we're doing
the stage directions?
331
00:12:16,275 --> 00:12:17,809
Oh, okay. Um...
332
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:20,531
You're not gonna
call the cops.
333
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:24,377
I can't do this.
334
00:12:24,416 --> 00:12:26,500
Let me go.
335
00:12:26,555 --> 00:12:28,423
Oh.
336
00:12:28,460 --> 00:12:30,928
You know you want it.
337
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,518
I'm just gonna kiss you.
Okay.
338
00:12:32,572 --> 00:12:34,023
Should I kiss you on the mouth
or the lips or the...
339
00:12:34,077 --> 00:12:35,110
whatever.
340
00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:38,582
I'm a married man.
Stop it.
341
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:39,674
Stop what?
342
00:12:39,710 --> 00:12:40,877
You know
what you're doing.
343
00:12:40,930 --> 00:12:42,214
Stop.
344
00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:44,218
Why?
Do I remind you of her?
345
00:12:44,273 --> 00:12:46,340
Don't say it.
346
00:12:46,362 --> 00:12:48,313
Don't you dare
say her name.
347
00:12:53,165 --> 00:12:54,666
It's on the next page.
348
00:12:59,317 --> 00:13:00,851
Elaine.
349
00:13:04,414 --> 00:13:07,533
If you want me,
you'll have to catch me.
350
00:13:18,655 --> 00:13:20,706
She's not entirely right,
is she?
351
00:13:20,745 --> 00:13:22,212
No.
352
00:13:22,249 --> 00:13:24,801
You were good in it
Well...
353
00:13:26,679 --> 00:13:27,679
Hey. How did it go?
354
00:13:27,732 --> 00:13:28,849
It was horrible.
355
00:13:28,902 --> 00:13:30,436
Everyone was tall
and blonde.
356
00:13:30,473 --> 00:13:31,574
But you're tall and blonde.
357
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:34,445
What?
No, that's Riki.
358
00:13:34,484 --> 00:13:35,835
Riki is tall and blonde.
359
00:13:35,872 --> 00:13:38,173
Oh, well,
who are you, then?
360
00:13:38,212 --> 00:13:40,546
I'm the other one.
I'm The Cooch.
361
00:13:40,603 --> 00:13:43,388
Oh, snap.
I always get you two mixed up.
362
00:13:43,444 --> 00:13:44,777
I got to write this down.
363
00:13:44,815 --> 00:13:48,451
"Cooch equals brown one."
Got it.
364
00:13:53,139 --> 00:13:55,674
I've never written a song
so fast before.
365
00:13:55,713 --> 00:13:57,147
Thank you for helping me.
366
00:13:57,183 --> 00:13:59,384
Oh, thank you
for buying me gelato.
367
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:04,613
I like it,
but I don't love it.
368
00:14:06,377 --> 00:14:08,512
Can I try this one?
369
00:14:08,550 --> 00:14:10,768
Hmm.
370
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:20,372
I like it,
but I don't love it, you know?
371
00:14:22,173 --> 00:14:23,473
Can I try this one?
372
00:14:30,798 --> 00:14:35,051
I like it,
but I don't love it!
373
00:14:35,093 --> 00:14:38,345
Oh, you're gonna kill me.
Can I try this one?
374
00:14:42,866 --> 00:14:46,318
Oh, interesting.
375
00:14:46,342 --> 00:14:51,847
I love that I tried it,
so how about this one?
376
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,893
We're gonna find it together.
377
00:14:56,154 --> 00:14:59,990
Hmm, I like it,
but I don't love it.
378
00:15:00,031 --> 00:15:01,999
Sure, sure.
379
00:15:02,037 --> 00:15:03,672
If that woman had 10 more points
in her I.Q.,
380
00:15:03,709 --> 00:15:04,926
she'd lack self-confidence.
381
00:15:04,980 --> 00:15:07,565
That's funny.
You mind if I tweet that?
382
00:15:07,604 --> 00:15:10,990
Oh, um, I thought
maybe that I, um, yeah.
383
00:15:11,030 --> 00:15:13,532
And done. Thank you.
384
00:15:13,571 --> 00:15:16,456
10 re-tweets already.
I'm killing it.
385
00:15:16,514 --> 00:15:18,014
Cool.
386
00:15:32,793 --> 00:15:35,562
Hey. Hey.
387
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:36,819
Oh, hey, Daniel.
388
00:15:36,855 --> 00:15:38,322
I've been texting you
like crazy.
389
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,477
What are you doing here?
Well, I-I had a rough day,
390
00:15:40,499 --> 00:15:42,000
so I just figured
I'd treat myself to a...
391
00:15:42,037 --> 00:15:43,254
Ready, honey?
392
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:45,008
Kate, this is my girlfriend,
Caroline.
393
00:15:45,046 --> 00:15:47,130
She's getting a present
for her son.
394
00:15:47,169 --> 00:15:48,719
Hi.
Hi.
395
00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,057
Yeah, we got back together
a couple weeks ago.
396
00:15:50,110 --> 00:15:51,644
I've been trying
to reach you,
397
00:15:51,681 --> 00:15:52,898
but you're,
like, super busy. Oh, it's okay.
398
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,920
You know,
I had an audition today.
399
00:15:54,957 --> 00:15:56,291
That's why
I'm dressed like this.
400
00:15:56,328 --> 00:15:58,029
I don't dress
like this normally.
401
00:15:58,050 --> 00:15:59,133
I dress normal normally.
402
00:15:59,169 --> 00:16:00,586
Kate's an actress.
403
00:16:00,641 --> 00:16:02,725
Caroline's a physics professor
at Caltech.
404
00:16:02,763 --> 00:16:04,514
Oh, that's not
as fun as auditions,
405
00:16:04,552 --> 00:16:06,270
but the benefits are nice.
406
00:16:06,324 --> 00:16:07,607
Benefits.
407
00:16:07,661 --> 00:16:09,578
Glad I don't have to worry
about those yet.
408
00:16:09,616 --> 00:16:10,783
Next.
409
00:16:12,709 --> 00:16:15,260
Ugh, come on, lady.
410
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,301
You've obviously
had a rough life,
411
00:16:17,356 --> 00:16:20,808
and I sympathize with you,
but we can't sell to your kind.
412
00:16:20,865 --> 00:16:22,366
What?
413
00:16:22,403 --> 00:16:24,104
Come on.
There's little kids in here.
414
00:16:24,126 --> 00:16:26,327
I think he thinks
you're a hooker.
415
00:16:26,382 --> 00:16:29,584
Oh, no, I'm not. I'm an actress.
I'm not a hooker.
416
00:16:29,624 --> 00:16:32,476
Yeah. Sir, this woman is
obviously not a prostitute.
417
00:16:32,517 --> 00:16:33,650
No offense.
418
00:16:33,686 --> 00:16:35,771
I know a hustler
when I see one,
419
00:16:35,809 --> 00:16:37,326
and by the way, I don't
even want to think about
420
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:38,714
what you were gonna do
to that puppet.
421
00:16:38,751 --> 00:16:40,668
We close at 6:00,
422
00:16:40,706 --> 00:16:42,390
so don't let me find you
out behind the dumpsters
423
00:16:42,428 --> 00:16:45,430
when I get off work...
at 6:00.
424
00:16:47,175 --> 00:16:48,392
It was nice to see you.
425
00:16:48,446 --> 00:16:50,313
No, it was good
catching up...
426
00:16:50,350 --> 00:16:51,868
Yeah, good seeing you.
...With you.
427
00:16:57,973 --> 00:16:59,090
You like it?
428
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:00,510
I like it.
But you don't love it.
429
00:17:00,547 --> 00:17:02,482
Hmm.
430
00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:04,654
I like it.
431
00:17:04,692 --> 00:17:08,278
But you don't love it.
432
00:17:08,336 --> 00:17:09,620
Do you love it?
433
00:17:09,674 --> 00:17:11,258
Yep.
434
00:17:18,282 --> 00:17:21,317
? I've been down here for a minute or two ?
435
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,910
? My neck is at a weird angle, and I don't love the view ?
436
00:17:24,951 --> 00:17:27,086
? Maybe I'll try eye contact ?
437
00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:32,567
? Nope, no eye contact, I feel like a creep ?
438
00:17:32,606 --> 00:17:34,974
? Maybe it'll be over soon and I can go to ?
439
00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:37,417
? Ooh, I just gagged ?
440
00:17:37,454 --> 00:17:38,955
? I hate gagging, it's so embarrassing ?
441
00:17:40,044 --> 00:17:41,211
? I did it again ?
442
00:17:42,635 --> 00:17:44,937
? But I want to make you feel good ?
443
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,945
? And stopping now would feel kind of wrong ?
444
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:50,902
? And I want to make you feel good ?
445
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,794
? But only if it doesn't take too long ?
446
00:17:54,135 --> 00:17:55,970
Oh, my God,
I am so sorry. Are you okay?
447
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,042
I can't believe
that just happened. Ugh!
448
00:17:58,064 --> 00:17:59,714
Are you okay enough
to get me a towel?
449
00:17:59,735 --> 00:18:01,102
Oh, gross!
We're both covered in it.
450
00:18:01,155 --> 00:18:02,689
That is not accurate.
451
00:18:02,726 --> 00:18:04,160
I'll get you a towel.
I'm sorry.
452
00:18:04,198 --> 00:18:05,581
It's fine.
453
00:18:05,619 --> 00:18:07,069
It's probably my fault
for having such a big penis.
454
00:18:07,090 --> 00:18:08,374
No, I just have
a really bad...
455
00:18:08,410 --> 00:18:10,494
No, no, no,
that's what it was.
456
00:18:14,778 --> 00:18:18,214
Hey.
How was it?
457
00:18:18,255 --> 00:18:20,173
I slapped Ben Kingsley
in the chin,
458
00:18:20,228 --> 00:18:22,696
got mistaken for a prostitute
at a toy store,
459
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:23,985
and the audition was
supposed to be for you.
460
00:18:25,693 --> 00:18:28,996
Well, I threw up on Thomas
while I was going down on him.
461
00:18:29,036 --> 00:18:31,254
Yeah, that's why I don't do
that kind of stuff.
462
00:18:31,293 --> 00:18:32,844
Guys don't like oral sex
anyways,
463
00:18:32,881 --> 00:18:34,465
since they can't orgasm
from it.
464
00:18:34,502 --> 00:18:38,055
We have a lot
to talk about.
465
00:18:38,112 --> 00:18:40,197
When I finished high school,
466
00:18:40,235 --> 00:18:42,486
I wanted to take
all my graduation money,
467
00:18:42,525 --> 00:18:44,376
buy myself a motorcycle.
468
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,664
My mom said no.
469
00:18:45,701 --> 00:18:47,085
See, she had a brother
470
00:18:47,139 --> 00:18:48,756
who died in a horrible
motorcycle accident
471
00:18:48,811 --> 00:18:52,680
when he was 18, and I could
just have his motorcycle.
472
00:18:54,828 --> 00:18:57,579
Oh, my God, you guys, I've got
to tell you about this girl
473
00:18:57,619 --> 00:18:58,836
I hooked up with last night.
474
00:18:58,873 --> 00:19:00,373
You ever had a girl vomit on you
475
00:19:00,410 --> 00:19:03,379
because your penis was too big
to fit in her mouth?
476
00:19:03,418 --> 00:19:05,553
I have. I couldn't even get mad
at this girl,
477
00:19:05,591 --> 00:19:08,110
and I'm glad she didn't get
upset, 'cause when she cries,
478
00:19:08,149 --> 00:19:10,317
she looks like Brad Pitt
from the movie "Se7en."
479
00:19:10,373 --> 00:19:13,242
You know what I mean?
She's just like...
480
00:19:14,635 --> 00:19:16,253
At least nobody knows
it's you. Yeah.
481
00:19:16,290 --> 00:19:17,557
It's crazy.
482
00:19:17,593 --> 00:19:20,095
She's this, like,
skinny, little, like,
483
00:19:20,134 --> 00:19:22,185
blonde comedic folk singer,
you know what I mean?
484
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:25,025
With a friend who seems
like she's autistic.
485
00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:26,532
She puked everywhere.
486
00:19:26,586 --> 00:19:28,954
I never thought I'd empathize
with ghost balls Todd,
487
00:19:28,993 --> 00:19:30,660
but I'm starting
to see his point.
488
00:19:30,681 --> 00:19:32,882
Time to do
"The Fadeaway."
489
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:35,472
Fadeaway.
490
00:19:35,511 --> 00:19:36,946
? We've been on a bunch of dates ?
491
00:19:36,983 --> 00:19:38,533
? I weigh debates that this creates ?
492
00:19:38,571 --> 00:19:40,488
? And hate that state of forced introspection ?
493
00:19:40,526 --> 00:19:41,877
? We traded wit, we swapped some spit ?
494
00:19:41,913 --> 00:19:43,414
? We went to third a little bit ?
495
00:19:43,468 --> 00:19:45,202
? But we never really had a connection ?
496
00:19:45,224 --> 00:19:47,642
? You did nothing wrong, I have no excuse ?
497
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,482
? Just my intuition telling me we shouldn't reproduce ?
498
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,857
? I know I have to end it,
but pretend to just suspend it ?
499
00:19:52,895 --> 00:19:55,414
? By contending that I'm busy all week ?
500
00:19:55,453 --> 00:19:56,903
? I let the foregone linger on ?
501
00:19:56,924 --> 00:19:58,291
? Text back with an emoticon ?
502
00:19:58,344 --> 00:20:00,745
? Withdraw from you by being oblique ?
503
00:20:00,768 --> 00:20:02,803
? Inside, I know my tactics just delay it ?
504
00:20:02,858 --> 00:20:07,194
? But I'll do anything so I don't have to say it ?
505
00:20:07,237 --> 00:20:09,154
? I'll draw this out forever like it's Vietnam ?
506
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:13,146
? Then one day, I'll be gone like Bambi's mom ?
507
00:20:13,187 --> 00:20:14,754
? Aw ?
508
00:20:14,793 --> 00:20:16,527
? 'Cause there's the right thing to do ?
509
00:20:16,564 --> 00:20:18,932
? Then there's what I'm gonna do ?
510
00:20:18,970 --> 00:20:21,906
? There's so much I should say, but instead ?
511
00:20:21,946 --> 00:20:24,448
? I do the fadeaway ?
512
00:20:24,487 --> 00:20:25,921
? Fadeaway ?
513
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:27,509
? Now I'm fading like chalk on a sidewalk ?
514
00:20:27,546 --> 00:20:29,130
? Or the polio virus after Jonas Salk ?
515
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:31,001
? The erection of a man on antidepressants ?
516
00:20:31,039 --> 00:20:32,739
? The cast of "Diff'rent Strokes" after adolescence ?
517
00:20:32,778 --> 00:20:34,278
? Like a Jewish guy at Sizzler on Yom Kippur ?
518
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,849
? The Whig Party, post Millard Fillmore ?
519
00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:37,720
? Reproductive rights below the Mason-Dixon ?
520
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:39,859
? Native Americans after the barter system ?
521
00:20:39,881 --> 00:20:43,417
? Your thyroid gland after hashimoto ?
522
00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:47,845
? The family in the "Back to the Future" photo ?
523
00:20:47,887 --> 00:20:50,239
? Yeah, I fade away ?
524
00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:54,868
? We pretend to ourselves it's the nice thing to do ?
525
00:20:54,908 --> 00:20:57,743
? To let you down gently by just not ever telling you ?
526
00:20:57,766 --> 00:20:59,917
? And deep down, we know it's the worst way to play it ?
527
00:20:59,939 --> 00:21:01,773
? But we are what we have ?
528
00:21:01,812 --> 00:21:04,897
? We're huge pussies ?
529
00:21:04,937 --> 00:21:07,739
? And women are hypocrites ?
530
00:21:07,778 --> 00:21:10,280
? Especially ones in comedy bands ?
531
00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,804
? We see your faults, but not our own ?
532
00:21:12,843 --> 00:21:15,561
? Then we wonder why we're all alone ?
533
00:21:15,602 --> 00:21:17,986
? We fill you up with maybes, excuses, and stalls ?
534
00:21:18,025 --> 00:21:19,642
? But like a baby in China ?
535
00:21:19,663 --> 00:21:23,198
? It's better to have balls ?
536
00:21:23,257 --> 00:21:25,875
? Balls ?
537
00:21:25,931 --> 00:21:28,182
? Not the "Good Wife" type like Christine Baranski ?
538
00:21:28,221 --> 00:21:31,841
? So I'll pull out and leave like I'm Roman Polanski ?
539
00:21:31,882 --> 00:21:33,549
? Aw ?
540
00:21:33,587 --> 00:21:34,954
? 'Cause there's the right thing to do ?
541
00:21:34,990 --> 00:21:38,126
? Then there's what I'm gonna do ?
542
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:40,301
? There's so much I should say, but instead ?
543
00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:43,208
? I do the fadeaway ?
544
00:21:43,231 --> 00:21:44,682
? Fadeaway ?
545
00:21:44,719 --> 00:21:46,353
? Like verbal kint fading into Keyser Soze ?
546
00:21:46,390 --> 00:21:48,024
? The rights in Arizona for a guy named Jos� ?
547
00:21:48,061 --> 00:21:49,579
? Opportunities for a college grad ?
548
00:21:49,616 --> 00:21:51,334
? The love between your mom and dad ?
549
00:21:51,371 --> 00:21:53,105
? Gonna peter out like a gay cetera ?
550
00:21:53,143 --> 00:21:54,844
? Iranian relations since the Reagan era ?
551
00:21:54,881 --> 00:21:56,615
? Black Nike sales after Heaven's Gate ?
552
00:21:56,653 --> 00:21:58,771
? Summer camp attendance at Penn State ?
553
00:21:58,810 --> 00:22:01,311
? 'Cause I don't want to get to know you ?
554
00:22:01,367 --> 00:22:05,420
? I just want to blow you...off ?
555
00:22:05,830 --> 00:22:06,963
Corey! Corey!
556
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,333
I got a note on my desk
557
00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:09,671
that says, "The couch
is the brown one."
558
00:22:09,707 --> 00:22:11,708
What the hell does that mean?
559
00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:13,598
Yeah.
Well, we'll do that at 4:00,
560
00:22:13,653 --> 00:22:15,687
and then I got my karate class
at 4:30.
561
00:22:15,725 --> 00:22:16,776
I don't want to talk to him
right now.
562
00:22:16,829 --> 00:22:17,945
Don't put him on.
Don't...
563
00:22:17,998 --> 00:22:19,499
Hey! What's up, man?
564
00:22:19,536 --> 00:22:21,504
Uh, I didn't read that script,
565
00:22:21,542 --> 00:22:24,094
so I'll probably skip
that meeting.
566
00:22:24,133 --> 00:22:26,635
And then you'll find out exactly
what cum laude
567
00:22:26,690 --> 00:22:29,058
from Sarah Lawrence is worth
in this town.
568
00:22:29,097 --> 00:22:30,147
It isn't a lot.
569
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,368
This is Hollywood, bro.
570
00:22:32,418 --> 00:22:36,968
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