Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] MY NAME'S

JON.

I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM.

THE RUSSIAN MOB WANTS ME DEAD,

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS

MURDERED, BUT, HEY, THIS COOL,

SINGLE DAD'S STILL GOT TO LIVE

LIFE.

OWW!

PREVIOUSLY ON "DELOCATED!"...

>> PATRIARCH OF MIRMINSKY FAMILY

DIE IN PRISON.

>> Jon: I WANTED SERGEI DEAD,

NOT THE FATHER.

>> YOUR TIME COMING VERY SOON.

WHY IS JON MAKING MOUTH LOVE TO

SANDWICH?

>> NO, NO, THAT'S NOT JON.

IT'S ME.

I AM JON.

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Jon: THIS ISN'T ME.

>> PREPARATION HAS BEGUN.

REVENGE FOR BOHAI.

>> THE TIME FOR WHINING IS OVER.

WAR IS COMING.

[ ALARM CLOCK BUZZING ]

>> Jon: [ GROANS ]

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

[ DOOR OPENS, CREAKS ]

MM.

[ GRUNTS ]

>> MORNING, JON.

>> Jon: [ SNIFFLES ]

>> ALL RIGHT!

P.J. McTOUCHDOWN'S!

TOUCHDOWN, EVERYBODY!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Jon: WHOA.

WHEN'D THIS HAPPEN?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> SERIOUSLY?

WELL, I GUESS I'M NOT SURPRISED.

OUTSIDE OF A FEW COERCED

INTERROGATIONS, I'VE NEVER SEEN

A HUMAN BEING DRINK SO MUCH.

>> LET'S SEE IF THIS TRIGGERS

ANYTHING.

THE NIGHT BEGAN AS A

PUBLIC-IMPULSE THERAPY SESSION

AT THE LOCAL WATERING HOLE.

REMEMBER?

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Jon: WHOO!

SHOTS!

HEY, MAN.

LET'S GET SOME MORE SHOTS.

WHOO!

[ Echoing ] SHOTS!

>> All: BODY SHOTS! BODY SHOTS!

WHOO!

>> Jon: WHOO!

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

WHOO!

SHOTS!

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS.

DID ME AND EUN MI HOOK UP?

>> NO, BUT THERE WERE PLENTY OF

TITS.

>> Jon: WHOSE TITS?

>> YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE TITS?

>> Jon: NO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALK-- WHAT?

>> All: SHOW THEM! SHOW THEM!

SHOW THEM! SHOW THEM!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> Jon: OH, "LADIES DONE GONE

NUTS" CREW IN THE HOUSE!

>> JON, REMEMBER THIS IS STILL A

SESSION.

>> Jon: HMM?

>> IMPULSE THERAPY.

>> OH!

OH, IF YOU DO IT, I WILL DO IT.

>> COME ON, JON!

BE IMPULSIVE!

>> YES.

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

>> All: SHOW YOUR TITS!

SHOW YOUR TITS!

>> Jon: HEY! HEY! OVER HERE!

OVER HERE!

CHECK THIS OUT!

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

[ INDISTINCT CHANTING ]

I FLASHED MY FACE?!

>> YES.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> FRANKLY, I THINK IT WAS

POSITIVE.

THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU PASS GAS,

JON.

THAT'S YOUR BODY RELEASING

PRESSURE.

WELL, FLASHING YOUR FACE IS LIKE

OPENING A PSYCHOLOGICAL EXHAUST

VALVE.

>> THIS IS NOT A PSYCHOLOGICAL

FART.

THIS IS A MAJOR SECURITY FART.

>> Jon: HEY, EVERYBODY, STOP

CALLING MY FACE A FART.

>> EXCUSE ME, SIR.

NO, YOU -- YOU CAN'T GO IN

THERE.

SIR.

>> ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD.

IT'S TIME TO SHUT 'ER DOWN.

>> LOOK WHO IT IS --

MR. FACE FLASH.

I'VE BEEN STARING AT YOUR MUG

ALL MORNING.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE TO

TALK ABOUT.

>> GREAT.

IT'S A NEW TWIST ON AN OLD

CLASSIC.

THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE

FACE FLASHING BETTER IS IF...

YOUR FACE HAD TITS.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, ASSHOLE.

EITHER GIVE US THE TAPE OR

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A WORLD OF

HURT FROM THE F.B.I.

>> YOUR BOY HERE SIGNED A

RELEASE FORM, SO LEGALLY, I'M IN

THE CLEAR, AND YOU'RE NOT

GETTING [BLEEP] FOR DICK.

>> LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T GIVE US

THAT TAPE, THIS MAN'S LIFE WILL

BE IN DANGER.

>> AM I SUPPOSED GIVE A [BLEEP]

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN ALL THIS

FACE FLASHING WENT DOWN?

WERE YOU PROTECTING HIM, OR WERE

YOU MAYBE DISTRACTED BY ALL THE

TITS YOU WERE SEEING?

LISA, WILL YOU SHOW THESE TWO

DICK-LICKS OUT?

>> YES, MR. DANIELS.

>> SEXY VOICE, RIGHT?

SEXY TITS, TOO. [ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: HEY, DUDE. SERIOUSLY?

THIS IS YOUR LIFE?

YOU THINK THIS IS COOL?

IT IS NOT COOL -- NOT COOL AT

ALL.

THINK YOU'RE SITTING THERE IN

YOUR CHAIR PLAYING GOD?

YOU'RE PLAYING "DUDE," AS IN

"DUDE, SERIOUSLY?

SERIOUSLY NOT COOL, MAN."

YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.

YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.

NOT COOL, MAN.

>> OKAY, BUDDY.

I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT.

I'LL THINK ABOUT THAT LONG AND

HARD.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT YOU ASK FOR WILL BE VERY

EXPENSIVE.

>> Jon: I DON'T CARE.

I NEED THAT TAPE.

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?

>> HE SAY HALF A MILLION.

>> Jon: HALF-A-MILLION DOLLARS?!

>> YOU ASK US TO INTIMIDATE A

BUSINESSMAN WE LIKE AND RESPECT.

WE ALSO LOVE TITS.

>> Jon: YEAH, I SCREAM.

YOU SCREAM. WE ALL LOVE TITS.

JUST GET ME THAT TAPE.

>> HELLO?

HELLO?

WHAT IS THIS?

THIS LOOKS LIKE FUN.

[ SNIFFS ]

OH!

THIS SEEMS LIKE FUN.

>> "STORM OF REVENGE FOR BOHAI

HEADED YOUR WAY.

FORECAST CALLS FOR DEATH."

>> IN BED.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> MAYBE WE CAN NEGOTIATE.

>> NO!

NO TURNING BACK FROM WAR!

>> I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR WAR.

I HAVE TO PLAN A VODKA LAUNCH

PARTY.

>> RESIST TEMPTATION, JON.

YOU CAN!

YOU NEED TO RESIST IT.

JON.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

>> JON, F.B.I. JUST CALLED.

WE GOT TO GO.

>> THE TAPE YOU'RE WATCHING IS

THE TAPE FROM WHEN YOU FLASHED

YOUR FACE.

I RECORDED OVER IT.

>> Jon: [ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

THANK GOD.

>> I WANTED YOU TO KNOW HOW

DEEPLY YOUR WORDS AFFECTED ME,

JON -- THE WHOLE "DUDE, NOT

COOL" THING.

I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

I WANT TO BE A GOOD PERSON,

BUT --

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> JUST RELAX, MAN.

I'M GETTING TO IT JUST CALM

DOWN.

I'M DONE-ZO WITH THE FUN-ZO.

I MADE ABOUT $10 MILLION AS

C.E.O. OF "LADIES DONE GONE

NUTS."

I WILL THAT ENTIRE FORTUNE TO

YOU, JON.

'CAUSE WITHOUT YOU [LAUGHS]

I WOULDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO DO

THIS.

[ GUN COCKS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> WHO WAS HE TALKING TO

OFF-CAMERA?

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

WHO CARES.

I MEAN...

I JUST MADE A MAN KILL HIMSELF

WITH THE POWER OF MY WORDS.

>> JON, DID YOU SPEAK TO THE

WANG CHOS ABOUT THIS?

>> Jon: I CAN GET BIN LADEN.

THAT GUY WATCHES ONE OF MY TAPES

AND KILLS HIMSELF, I'M A HERO.

>> JON...

>> Jon: I MEAN, THIS GUY SENDS

US TAPES ALL THE TIME.

HOW ABOUT WE SEND A TAPE TO HIM?

>> JON, BIN LADEN IS DEAD.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT

THIS?

>> WE KILLED HIM LAST YEAR.

>> Jon: HOLD ON A SEC.

HOW DID YOU GET HIM MY TAPE?

I MEAN, DO YOU GUYS HAVE A TIME

MACHINE?

I MEAN, 'CAUSE IF YOU -- IF YOU

DO, THINK OF WHAT WE COULD DO

WITH IT.

I MEAN --

>> NO, JON.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I KILLED BIN LADEN.

AND I SAID, "THINK ABOUT IT,

DUDE.

NOT COOL.

NOT COOL WHAT YOU'RE DOING."

WHAT HAPPENS?

BOOM!

'CAUSE OF ME.

MY WORDS DID THAT.

AND NOW, I'M JONNY SUPERBUCKS.

>> JON, HOW CAN YOU BE SO

EXCITED ABOUT THIS?

THIS IS BLOOD MONEY.

>> Jon: A LOT OF BLOOD MONEY.

>> ON THAT NOTE, I'M A LITTLE

SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING YOU

COMPLAIN ABOUT THE MIRMINSKYS.

THIS RELATIONSHIP ISN'T GOING

ANYWHERE UNLESS YOU GET THEM AND

THE WANG CHOS OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO

FINALLY GET SOME BIG BALLS SO

YOU CAN DEAL WITH YOUR ISSUES,

AND TH WE CAN BE TOGETHER.

>> Jon: BIG BALLS.

THAT'S GETTING THE OLD JONNY

HORNY.

OH, WHO'S THIS?

>> OH, HEY, SCAMPS.

>> Jon: HI.

>> THAT'S SCAMPER.

>> Jon: SCAMPER.

LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GUY.

BIG BALLS, HUH?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: YEAH?

SCAMPER, YOU BEAUTIFUL SON OF A

BITCH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE HERE TO CELEBRATE THE MAN

OF THE HOUR -- THE FOUNDER OF

"KNOCK KNOCK, WHO'S THERE"

VODKA.

PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR

YVGENY MIRMINSKY, EVERYONE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: MIRMINSKY FAMILY!

THAT'S RIGHT.

EVERYONE, BACK IT UP.

YEAH, TH-THERE YOU GO.

EVERYBODY, JUST BE COOL.

THAT'S THE MAN I CAME HERE TO

SEE -- SERGEI MIRMINSKY.

YOU GOT TO SHAPE UP, BRO.

THINK KILLING'S COOL?

THAT'S YOUR LIFE?

NOT COOL, BRO.

NOT COOL, DUDE.

>> WHAT?

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE AFRAID OF

LITTLE JON WANG MOUSE IN BALL?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S DEAD MAN BALL!

[ ALL SCREAM ]

>> Jon: WHOO!

IN YOUR FACE, DUDE.

BULLETPROOF.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I INHERITED 10 MILLION BUCKS,

SPENT A COOL MIL ON THIS

BULLETPROOF BALL.

I HEAR WAR IS COMING.

A WAR YOU DON'T WANT.

YOU GUYS GIVE UP MISHKA, MAYBE

THROW IN SOME DRUGS, I GUARANTEE

YOU A TRUCE WITH THE CHOS.

I ALSO GOT A NEW LOVE IN MY

LIFE.

SHE'S GOT A SMOKIN'-HOT KOREAN

BOD, A HAMSTER, AND I CARE ABOUT

HER.

SO YOU DO NOT KILL THIS ONE.

YOU GOT IT, MAN?

OTHERWISE, NO TRUCE, AND THAT

MEANS WAR.

WAR IS NO FUN, UNLESS YOU'RE IN

A SWEET BULLETPROOF BALL.

MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!

THAT'S RIGHT.

MAKE SOME ROOM FOR BIG JON.

JONNY'S COMING THROUGH.

>> YVGENY, THIS IS A MAN'S

DECISION -- A DECISION TO MAKE

PAPA PROUD.

THIS TRUCE WILL SPARE MY LIFE,

YOUR LIFE, TRISH'S LIFE.

>> THIS WILL BE THE LAST ILLEGAL

ACT OF THE MIRMINSKY FAMILY.

AFTER THAT, WE WILL ONLY FOLLOW

THE LAW AND SELL PREMIUM VODKA.

>> LET US DRINK.

TO PAPA...

AND TO MISHKA.

SO THAT WE MAY LIVE, HE MUST

DIE.

>> LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU WA TO TESTIFY AGAINST THE

MIRMINSKY FAMILY.

>> YES.

THEY TRY TO TRICK ME, BUT I'M

GOING TO TRICK THEM.

>> AND YOU'RE WILLING TO WEAR A

WIRE.

>> NO.

NOT UNLESS I CAN WEAR SHIRT TO

COVER WIRE.

>> TWO FAMILIES IN ONE BUST...

IN THE BIZ, WE CALL THAT A

SIMULTANEOUS ORGASM.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: I GOT THEM TO GIVE UP

MISHKA AND LEAVE MY GIRLFRIEND

ALONE.

HUH?

JON'S WORD'S MIGHTIER THAN THE

SWORD, THAT AND MY SWEET NEW

BALL.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS,

THOUGH?

IT SUCKS THAT WE ALREADY GOT

BIN LADEN.

I MEAN, IT DOESN'T SUCK.

IT'S GREAT.

I'M GLAD WE GOT HIM, BUT I WISH

I WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO USE

MY WORDS AND GET HIM TO KILL

HIMSELF.

>> YES.

PERHAPS HE WOULD KILL HIMSELF IF

I WERE OFF-CAMERA POINTING A GUN

AT HIS HEAD, JUST LIKE

JIM DANIELS, BUT I'M SURE YOUR

MIGHTY WORDS ALSO HAD SOMETHING

TO DO WITH IT.

>> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW THEY DID.

>> I STILL DO NOT TRUST SERGEI.

THIS TRUCE COULD BE A SECRET

AMBUSH.

YOU COME TONIGHT.

FACILITATE TRUCE WITH YOUR BALL

OF SAFETY.

>> Jon: YEAH, THE CHOS NEED MY

BALL.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WHERE WE GOING?

>> I PROMISED HIM I WOULDN'T

TELL YOU.

IT'S A SURPRISE JUST FOR YOU.

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

>> THIS IS LITERALLY THE

STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

>> Jon: IT'S NOT STUPID.

I'M NOT PAYING THE WANG CHOS FOR

PROTECTION ANYMORE, AND I DON'T

NEED THE GOVERNMENT, EITHER.

IT'S CALLED FREEDOM.

I GOT MY LIFE BACK.

>> JON, LIVING IN A BALL IS NOT

FREEDOM.

IF YOU EVEN WANT A CHANCE WITH

ME, YOU GOT TO LOSE THE BALL.

>> Jon: LOOK, THERE'S SOME HEAVY

[BLEEP] GOING DOWN FOR TONIGHT.

JONNY MIGHT NOT MAKE IT BACK

ALIVE.

I WANTED US TO HAVE ONE LAST

NIGHT IN SEXTACY.

>> JON, WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A

FIRST NIGHT.

>> Jon: COME ON, BABE.

YOU DON'T WANT A PIECE OF THIS

BALL TUSH.

HUH?

>> JUST SO YOU KNOW, THIS IS

CURIOSITY SEX.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH?

WELL, UH...

[ MEOWS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: CURIOSITY'S ABOUT TO

BONE THE CAT.

[ WATER RUNNING ]

>> I'M ALMOST DONE.

[ WATER STOPS ]

I'M DONE.

>> THOSE ARE VERY NICE GLASSES,

MISHKA.

>> OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH,

YVGENY MIRMINSKY, HEAD OF

MIRMINSKY CRIME FAMILY.

I'M WEARING GLASSES SO I MIGHT

SEE MONEY CLEARLY WHEN I HAND

OVER THESE DRUGS TO WANG CHOS IN

DRUG DEAL YOU ARE SENDING ME TO

DO.

>> GOODBYE, MISHKA.

>> DO WELL TONIGHT, MISHKA, AND

YOU'LL HAVE MORE IMPORTANT JOB

THAN DRUG DEAL.

>> OKAY.

THEN, I WILL TAKE DRUGS, AND I

WILL GO...TO DO DRUG DEAL...

WITH WANG CHOS.

>> GET GOING, MISHKA!

>> IS THAT 3-5-2?

BUT HOW?

NO, THIS IS -- ONE, TWO -- NO,

THIS IS THIRD BUILDING ON THE

LEFT.

OH, WHERE IS ADDRESS?

OH.

HEY, GUYS!

Okay, I'm approaching now.

HERE FOR DRUG DEAL, THEY SENT ME

TO DO IT.

>> Jon: WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT

ISN'T THE FAKE JON.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T EAT A SANDWICH

IN PUBLIC 'CAUSE OF YOU,

ASSHOLE.

>> LET'S SEE THE BRIEFCASE.

>> OH, THE BRIEFCASE OF DRUGS --

SURE, HERE.

I WILL HAND IT TO YOU, AND YOU

TAKE IT.

THERE.

I'VE MADE HAND-OFF TO YOU.

>> Jon: BETTER ALL BE THERE,

DUDE.

>> OH, LOOK AT ALL THOSE DRUGS.

HEY, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

>> NOW...

YOU MEET SAME FATE AS BOHAI.

>> PLEASE.

[ SIREN BLARING ]

>> FREEZE [BLEEP]

FREEZE!

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

[ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ]

>> JON, WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU

DOING HERE?

>> Jon: WHAT?

I'M ON A PEACE MISSION.

>> JON, YOU'RE AT THE SCENE OF A

MAJOR DRUG BUST.

I'M SORRY.

TAKE HIM.

>> Jon: GREG, SERIOUSLY?

SERIOUSLY, DUDE?

COME ON.

THAT'S YOUR MOVE?

NOT COOL, DUDE.

>> WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

>> Jon: NOT COOL, MAN.

COME ON, GREG.

GREG!

>> WE CELEBRATE WITH PIZZA?

>> Jon: NOT COOL, GREG!

HI.

>> NICE OUTFIT.

>> Jon: PRIZ HAPPENS.

>> JON...I DON'T WANT YOU TO

WORRY.

I'VE GOT EVERYTHING SIGNED,

OKAY?

I'VE GOT COMPLETE ACCESS TO YOUR

MONEY, SO YOU KNOW THAT WILL BE

SAFE, AND ALSO, I'M DAVID'S

LEGAL GUARDIAN WHILE YOU'RE

LOCKED UP.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ] THANK YOU.

YOU LAID A BIG SOLID ON ME.

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

>> AND I'LL MAKE SURE THAT NO

ONE HURTS THIS LITTLE LADY,

OKAY?

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT. THANKS.

>> OKAY, BYE.

>> Jon: HEY, UH...

JUST GIVE ME ONE -- ONE QUICK

FLASH.

GIVE ME ONE.

>> NO.

>> Jon: COME ON, FROM THE BAR,

YOU OWE ME ONE.

>> OKAY, UH, I DON'T OWE [BLEEP]

ACTUALLY.

>> Jon: YES, YOU DO.

>> NO, BUT...JUST 'CAUSE I FEEL

SORRY FOR YOU...

>> Jon: [ EXHALING SHARPLY ]

>> [ GASPS ]

>> Jon: [ BREATHING RAPIDLY ]

>> JON.

>> JONNY, YOU OKAY?

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE JUST DONE

GONE MADE ME NUT.

I JUST NUT.

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: I JUST DONE GONE NUT.

>> YOU'VE DONE GONE NUTS?

>> Jon: I JUST DONE GONE NUT.

I JUST DONE GONE NUT.

>> JON, JUST CALM YOURSELF DOWN,

OKAY, BECAUSE THE GUARDS CAN --

>> Jon: I JUST DONE GONE NUT!

>> OH, GEE. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: I JUST DONE GONE NUT!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0