All language subtitles for Act1

Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org

Most movies...
You ever talk about a movie

with someone that happens
to have read the book?

They're always so condescending.

"Oh, the book was much better."

"Oh, really? What I enjoyed
about the movie... no reading."

I'm thinking
about getting a pet.

I'mma get a dog. You know,
that's what I'mma get.

I don't like cats. I don't...
Cats don't do anything.

They don't... They don't have
any responsibilities.

No, really, come on, you
never heard of a guard cat.

Or a bomb-sniffing cat.

Or a seeing-eye cat.

Pop Tarts... Can there be
a simpler food item?

Directions on Pop Tarts.
Like, if they weren't there,

would somebody, like,
put the box down?

"What? I...

How do I get
that goodness in me?"

I told my mother when I was
14 I wanted to be a comedian.

And she said, "Oh, maybe
it's better if you just die."

I like Italian delis.

There's just no options.

It just says sandwich.

And there's a guy in there
cutting the meat.

"It's going to be good."

You know, when you get older,
you don't know you older

because the old stuff
just happen to you.

Like, you be pouring cereal
and your knee will go out.

You'll go, "Oh."

I was bullied
when I was a little kid.

I was bullied when I was in
school for being Asian-American.

The biggest problem with that
is that I am not Asian-American.

I feel like I'm

a reasonably intelligent
human being.

And I'd say it probably
took me about six years

to realize that will.i.am

was just William
with dots in it.

Anyone else have that same...

I feel like half of you right
now are like, "Oh, my God.

It's William with dots in it."

It's the little things we miss.

Emcee: Alright, guys,
we're gonna

keep the comedy rolling here.

But just reminder,
we got 25-cent wings

for the next 30 minutes

and beer buckets till 10:00.

Next up is one of my favorites
here at the open mic.

Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

Every time I go
to a Chinese restaurant,

this is what
all of my friends do to me.

They're like, "Will, Will,
order in Mandarin.

It's gonna sound hilarious.

Order in Mandarin, bro.
They got to hook it up."

I'm like, "Bro,
we're in Panda Express.

Her name tag says
Consuela on it.

I don't think
that's a Mandarin name.

Like, what do you expect,
if I order in Mandarin

some ninja's going to pop up
from behind the kitchens

just like, 'Poof, here's your
Kung Pao panda penis'"?

You know?

I took this tall girl
to a concert, right?

I couldn't see anything,
so I was miserable.

I couldn't see anything.

So I just looked up at her.
I'm like, "Hey, pick me up."

People are using their phone for
everything except as a phone.

You have to text now.

I was okay with emojis
because it used to be yellow.

And I was pretty okay with that.

It should just stay that way.

Now they have like five shades
of different colors, right?

It's confusing.

I was trying to text
my black friend a thumbs up.

I wasn't sure if I should
text him my thumbs up

or his thumbs up.

I never texted him back.

Thank you, guys, that's my time.
I'm Will Chu.

Keep it going. Yeah.

Good job.

Thank you for waiting it out.

I got some jokes for you.

You ever notice how long
a giraffe's neck is?

- Yeah?
- Giraffe scarfs.

Sore throats. You use that.
It's cute.

I'll... I'll try it out.

Oh, God, I'm full.

Thanks for coming.

- Hey, Quinn.
- Dude.

Dude, love your bringer.

What retirement home
did you get him from?

It's gotten so bad
I have to invite my neighbors.

I'm so sick of asking people
to pay to come watch me.

I wish I was
doing "The Tonight Show,"

but you gotta keep working
to take a bigger shot.

- And here we are.
- Emcee: Show him some love.

Watch me destroy.

What's up, what's up, what's up?
Make some noise.

Keep it going for Will.

Your bringer didn't pay his tab.

Are you serious?

Yeah.
And don't run the light again.

...Asian doctor.

I've never seen an Asian vet.

How was school?

Getting them
to dissect frogs was fun.

Getting them to wash
their hands was not.

Yo, that's my ranch, right?

Yes.

They asked if you wanted a side
of ranch and you said no, right?

Yes.

Then why are you using my ranch?

I knew you would get a side
of ranch so I didn't have to.

You are frugal.
Like a old Chinese woman.

Speaking of which,
I ordered us

the 42-ounce bag of
Cool Ranch Doritos.

Why didn't you just buy
four 10-ounce bags?

- How is that a fun Instagram?
- Doing it for the Gram.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, I just want to say
I really enjoy my time with you.

You make me laugh.

It's nice to know
we're moving forward together.

I agree.

Not only are you gorgeous,

but I love that you eat
like an eighth grader.

- Comedy Cellar.
- Hi. I'm calling

in regards to auditioning
to becoming a regular.

You have to have
two recommendations

from two existing regulars.
Who are they?

- Two existing?
- Look, I got to go.

Hello? Hello?

Hey, Gary, can I borrow a pen?

Boom. What's going on
with that windshield claim?

I was trying to wrap it up.

Wrong.

Do or do not.
There is no...

- T-There is no...?
- There is no try.

Try. Yoda.
"Empire Strikes Back."

Looking good there, Gary.

Yeah. Getting dirty today.
I love it.

I just got a six-car pileup
in from Indy.

It's a mess. It's a mess.
So that's been expedited,

which means you're
getting it expedited.

So I'm going to need
these folders ASAP.

Oh, and, Will, remember
I want all this stuff

in Times New Roman at 14 point.

I'm trying to get
my set ready to audition.

- Right. So, what's your plan?
- I don't know.

It's hard to get stage time
with no credits.

I've been looking for options
other than Mickey's.

There just hasn't
been anything.

Sorry, Quinn is texting me.

He's at the open mic
and he said it's packed.

It's packed?
You should go.

Here you go. Thanks.

Oh, great choice.
This is my favorite bear.

It's nice to see
someone happy at work.

You know, when I think about
my job, the only silver lining

is I can't possibly
hang myself in the cubicle.

- Not funny.
- Well, I thought about it.

With three walls,
you actually can't.

- Hey.
- Okay, but all I'm saying

is I don't think my mother and
father came here and sacrificed

so I can end up shorting
people on insurance claims.

I want to be a working comic.

Basically I look at the road
ahead of me right now

and it's in a cubicle
selling things

I don't believe in.

I'd rather see my name
on the marquee,

something I can get
excited about.

And enjoy, you know?
Something I'm proud of.

Oh, for an additional $6,
you can get this put in.

$6? Does it have Bluetooth?

I tell you, my girlfriend
caught me the other day.

Caught me the other... just,
you know what, it's just...

She just caught me.
I'm secure about it.

You just gotta keep your cool.
Just do this, alright?

"You're next, bitch.

You like that? You like that?"

Yes, and ladies,
I know it's small.

Joey. Joey.

But it's how the pencil
writes, bitch, alright?

Mine can write in cursive,
alright? Calligraphy.

Hey. Thank you. So, Quinn wrote
my name down earlier.

When can I get on?

Well, I'm not
making any promises.

Sometimes I think maybe you
light me just a little early.

Well, that's when
it's not going well.

That's how you can tell that.

You're going to get
a light at two minutes,

and then you're going
to get another light.

And the second light
means get off the stage.

Can I go up soon?

Keep it going for Quinn, y'all.

Good set, Quinn.

-Hey, thanks, pal.

Hey.
Oh, that was so good.

Aren't you just
the cutest little thing?

Oh, well, this cute little thing
is a big bad boy.

With needs that are adult
like a careless whisper

- and some booze.
- Okay.

Do you boys want to come join us
for '80s night at the Tavern?

Oh, want to? Yeah.
Dude, we'd love to.

No, no, I got to
hang out until my set.

- But thanks.
- Aww.

What a card. Swipe left.

Well, nice meeting you.
Let's go sit.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Look at these two.

Quinn, I got a girlfriend.

Full disclosure,
I can't close without you, okay?

It's like wherever Laverne goes,
Shirley follows.

Dude, I need you.

Okay, okay,
I see where this is going.

Why don't you just get one of
the Joeys to be your wingman?

Go fuck yourself. No, dude,
those fucking jabronis?

Look at that guy.

Dude, dude, neither
of them have money,

and I'll end up paying
for their drinks.

Plus I'm pretty sure
they do a lot of coke,

which I can't afford.

So please hang out
with me for one beer.

- Joey.
- Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

- Hey Quinn.
- Hey, dawg.

Hey. Spot me a brewski?

- Yeah, sure, dawg. Sure.
- Oh, hey.

You girls like blow?

Would you rather drink
a bucket of human feces or not?

Which one would you choose?

Hey, Mickey, what time is my...

- Hey, Joey?
- Hey, what's up, Joey?

Hey, a Jew and an Italian
go into business together.

- Uh-oh.
- Who loses?

I don't know. Who?

- The government.
- Oh, come on.

Hey, Mick, so when can I get on?

I'm looking at this right now,

and I don't see that anybody
gave your name at the door.

You know the deal.
Two paying customers to see you,

and then you get
to do five minutes.

Mickey, I'm running
out of friends.

Not my problem.

I'll bring four people next week

if you just give me
a few minutes on stage.

Will, if I make
an exception for you,

then I have to make an exception
for everybody else

that wanders in and goes,
"I don't have any friends.

- I don't have any friends."
- Mickey, Mickey, I promise.

Four people. Please.

To you, this is a show.

To me, this is a business.

Please?

No.

You guys ready to rock?

This microphone needs Viagra.
What?

What clubs have you played?

Just open mics.

You don't have any credits,
I can't book you.

I can't get credits
if I can't get up.

Jose.

Can you turn down
the music, please?

Rockview Insurance,
may I help you?

No, I understand.

Yes, Mr. Kominsky.

Did you get me these pens?

We have all
the information we need.

Okay, you want to talk
to a supervisor?

Yeah, that's not a problem.

I never win.

Don't stop.

Don't stop?

Believing.

Hanford, California,
Steven Perry... Journey.

Round two of the sushi. Ciao.

Yo, fuck faaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
wait for it... aace.

Well, number one,
go fuck yourself.

The Joeys ruined everything,

and now they owe me 85 bucks
I'll never see again.

I am headed up to Detroit
to open up for Steven Gold.

So that means I can't emcee
the Pennsylvania Improv

from tonight through Sunday.

So the manager asked me

if I could recommend
a comic last minute.

- I said you. He said great.
- Oh, wow.

This is a major opportunity,
alright? If you kill it...

Well, I got all these claims
that I got to file.

Chip Fontaine is a made man.

He's the manager, and he books

not only
the Pennsylvania Improv,

but 12 more clubs.

He's also a chatty Kathy,
and word will get out

to all the other clubs.

It's just like figure skating.
It's a small world.

Figure skating?

Hey, you got your
childhood, I got mine, okay?

Dude, if Chip likes you,

you're in the rotation
and you go full-time.

You take this weekend
and you get started,

you're on your way, man.

- I just don't know if I'm ready.
- Oh, I get it.

No, you are horribly scared and
terrified and you fear failure.

I-I get it. I get it.

I'm not scared.
I said I'm not ready.

There's a big difference. Okay?

I don't wanna just take
this opportunity and bomb.

I was scared too, but ever
since I took the big leap,

even on my worst fucking day,
I thank God

I'm not selling anybody
a 2012 Kia Sorento.

Chances like this
don't happen every day.

If you don't take this shot,

dude, you might as well
quit stand-up

and, like,
remain in your cubicle

and your living
Geico commercial.

And, well, I didn't
tell you the best part.

You'll never guess
who's headlining.

He's literally your favorite
TV star of all time.

There's one
meaningful question.

Have you reached
your full potential?

Don't... Don't think about it.

Don't think about
what the answer is,

I'll tell you the answer.
The answer is...

Here are a pile of claims
from the six-car pileup.

Hey, my ace in the hole.
I love it, I love it.

Look, Barry, I got the work done

so I would like
to take tomorrow off.

Will.

Will, Will, Will, Will, Will.

When you reach the end
of your rope, you...

Uh, what are you talking about?

When you reach
the end of your rope, you...?

- You get more rope?
- Wrong.

When you reach the end
of your rope,

you tie it in a knot
and you hang on.

It's Thomas Jefferson.

You should know that.

I need to take tomorrow off.

In our world, as you know,
there are accidents.

We don't control them,

but we can control
what we do about them.

I'm not asking you, Barry.
I'm taking tomorrow off.

It's very important to me.

Will, what's important to you
is keeping your job.

So let's turn the beat around,
see you show up tomorrow

with a little more passion
on your face,

and knock out
some of those claims.

Capiche?

I won't be back tomorrow.

I'm done. I quit.

Wrong.

I can't do that anymore, okay?

Seriously, it's over.

I'm done. I quit.

Hey, if you think I'm giving you
a good recommendation,

you're crazy.

Hey, cupcake.

I'm 100% in.

- In for what?
- The gig this weekend.

Oh, my God. Sorry, dude.

I... You made it sound
like you weren't coming.

You gotta be kidding me, right?

I wish you had called
even just five minutes ago.

I literally just
booked the Joeys.

Oh, my God. I'm getting
physically sick to my stomach.

This is going to
absolutely cripple me.

Quinn, do... do you know
what I just did here?

Dude, I'm sorry.
I can't do this to you, man.

Oh, my God.

You think I'd book
the fucking Joeys?

Dude, I was just about
to call you.

Congrats.

You're an asshole, Quinn.

Yeah, an asshole who got you
a fucking sweet gig.

Look, I'll be in contact
with the Pennsylvania Club.

They'll put you up
at the condo.

Show time today.
You better get moving.

You are making
the right call, buddy.

Billy G? At an improv?
That's a big deal.

That's pretty good.

Knock them dead.
Kill them.

Is that what you say?
Break a leg.

Big fan. Huge fan.

Nice to meet you, Mr. G.

Hi, I'm Will Chu.
I'm your opening act.

Oh, Billy.

Oh, my God,
it's so good to be here.

I've been waiting all my life
for this moment.

What's up, Pennsylvania Improv?

Hi. I'm Will. Will Chu.
I'm the emcee.

Actually, since we're talking
names, my name is spelt C-H-U.

Ah, so you asking me
to run up on the ladder

and change your name?

Wondering, um, can I get
the keys to the condo?

Is the manager around?

TT to Charlie Money.

Yeah, Chip will be here
in just a minute.

Well, this is my house.
I protect my house.

Oh, hey.

Must be Will. Chip.

Nice to meet you.
Thanks for having me.

You can recommended,

so if you want to make this
more than a one-time thing,

I'm going to need you
to keep the crowd on track,

handle the hecklers,

and most importantly
make the audience laugh.

- Yeah.
- Big laughs, okay?

Got it. And thank you.
I appreciate this weekend.

Y-You don't know
what it means to me.

By the way, you're going to be
sharing the condo this weekend

with our feature, Chris Palmer.

- Awesome.
- Well, you say that now.

Let's see how you feel
on Sunday.

Why is that?

Look, Will, Chris is going
to show you things

that you can't unsee.

And when he does,
I want you to call me.

I'm going to give you my number.

If you need help
or a shoulder to cry on,

or even a place to stay,

because Chris can get
a little rowdy,

I want you to reach out.

Sure.

Here. What's your number?

No, I'll put it in. Here.

That was easy, huh?

Call me.

Call me right now
so I have your number.

Oh. Yeah.

Great. I'm vibrating.

Must be you.

Cool.

So it begins.

Hello?

Hello?

Whoa. Don't you fucking knock?

What kind of a dickhole
barges in somewhere

like he owns the place, huh?

Huh?

I'm... fucking with you.

What's up, man? You Will?

Chris. How are you, bro?

- Great to meet you.
- Good, man.

We're going to have
a great weekend.

Your first time here?

First time in any real club.

So I'm just
a little bit nervous.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Why?

Did Chip start
flirting with you?

Oh, was that what it was?

Yeah, yeah, just don't
give him your number.

You'll be fine.

And over there's the hot tub.

Just fucking around,
there's no hot tub.

Anyway, this is the condo.

I took this bedroom, so the
other one's yours, alright?

Awesome.
I'm gonna take a shower.

You want to head
to the club after that?

Fuck yeah, Will.
Fuck yes, I do.

Hey, yo, don't use
that shampoo by the way.

Sometimes dudes jizz in it

just to fuck with guys
for the following week.

- You serious?
- Yeah.

Hey, you ever been
to the Warhol Museum?

I've always wanted
to check it out.

Want to go tomorrow?

Yeah, sure.

Fuck yeah.

Dibs first shower.

Welcome to
the world-famous

Improv Thursday night.

Make some noise.

Who's ready for
a great show tonight?

Okay, just a reminder to keep
your talking to a minimum

and your laughter
to a maximum.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be starting the show

in just a few minutes.

- Ooh, long time, Rachel. Hello.
- Just letting you know

we'd like you to turn
your cellphones to silent.

There's no video or flash
photography during the show.

Be sure to sign up
for our e-mail list.

The cards are on your tables.

You okay, bro?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I just...
just a little nervous.

That is like
the biggest audience

- I've ever performed for.
- Dude, don't be nervous.

Fuck those people out there.
Just do you.

- Chris.
- Holy shit.

I heard Chris.
How you doing, man?

- I'm good.
- I'm still kind of hungover

from the last time
we chilled out.

Oh, yeah, Ricky that's called
a bender, my friend.

Probably right.

Yo, you still fucking
with that cheerleader?

The blonde one with
the half-shaved head?

God bless you, Chris.

What up, man? I'm Ricky.

I'm Will. I'm the emcee.

I'm the sound guy, man. Cool.

Alright, what kind of
intro music you guys want?

- Surprise me, bud.
- What about you?

Something by the Killers?

Alright, cool. You know,
Chip loves the Killers, man.

You know what?
Why don't you pick something?

- Anything but the Killers.
- You sure?

- Yeah. Absolutely.
- Alright. Cool.

What do you want for your intro?

You can say clubs and colleges.

What clubs?

Uh, what colleges?

Um...

So I'll just keep it plain and
simple, just clubs and colleges.

Gonna keep it broad, you know.
Sounds good.

Alright, listen, guys,
Will, you're doing 12,

Chris, you're doing 25.

You get a two-minute light each,

and it's a big red light
right at the back of the wall.

You can't miss it, alright?

Is it that wall?

Have a good show, y'all. Peace.

- Love you, buddy.
- Love you too, nigga.

- Did he just call you... nigga?
- I love it.

What do you want for your intro?

Oh, same just clubs
and colleges.

Which clubs and colleges
have you done?

Oh, let's see, I've done like
28 improvs, Funny Bones,

and I did...
I did the NACA Conference.

That's like 30 colleges
last year.

- Good... Good for you.
- Thank you very much.

Thursday night,
make some noise.

Alright, buddy, here we go.

Give it for your
headliner this evening, Billy G.

- To a great show.
- To a great show.

And your future act,
Chris Palmer.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

please give
a Pennsylvania Improv welcome

to your host
and emcee for the evening.

You know your opening act
from clubs and colleges,

please welcome Will Chu.

What's up, Pennsylvania?
How you guys doing?

Alright.
Awesome, awesome crowd tonight.

Is everybody here
from Pennsylvania?

Awesome.

Lot of pretty girls
from Pennsylvania, am I right?

Yeah, not... not here
but in downtown, you know.

You know, dating... dating
is totally different now, right?

Like, I know...
I know where I stand.

Like, I am... I'm, like, cute.
I'm not like the macho guy.

You know, I wish
I could be that guy.

Like, I'm really good looking...

if you're into anime.

That's the level
that I'm at, you know?

I can't even go to the beach
with my shirt off, right?

Like, look, don't get me wrong,
ladies, I'm in shape, okay?

But I'm just a small guy
with really nice hair.

So from the back, I look like
a really hot Asian chick.

And from the front, I look like
a really hot Asian chick.

Thank you guys. That's my time.
I'm Will Chu.

I will be your host tonight.

Pennsylvania, are you guys ready
for your next comedian?

Alright, you've seen him
at clubs and colleges.

Let's give it up
for Chris Palmer.

What the fuck is up,
Pennsylvania Improv?

Make some fucking noise.

Oh, my God. Fantastic.

Let me...
Anybody in here single?

Anybody in here married?

That is the first time
the married people

have ever been
more enthusiastic.

Well, good, so there's
some good marriages in here?

You guys?
I heard you guys are...

oh, he did this.

He went like this.
Not a good sign.

Great.

Are we ever going to see
a good headline

that starts with the words
"a Florida man"?

Hi. I'm Will, and I just want
to say what an absolute honor

it is to be working with you.

And "Oh, Billy."

I'm going to ask you
not to do that, okay?

Okay. Yes. Noted.

About my intro.

Just say "You know our headliner

from his numerous appearances
on 'The Tonight Show, '

his best-selling book that's for
sale after the show on sale.

I got you this time.

Of course the TV show,
'Oh, That Billy.'

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy G."

You got it?

- Write it down.
- Yeah.

"The Tonight Show,"
book on sale,

I got you this time,

"Oh, That Billy."

I'm sorry.
Can I borrow a pen?

Thank you.
Close that door on the way out.

- Thank you so much.
- Okay.

You have to be
careful these days

with what you're watching on TV

when you're talking
to your lady. Okay?

A little while back, I was
dating a wonderful young lady.

She called me on the phone
and I picked it up,

and after about a minute
she goes,

"Who the fuck is over
at your apartment?"

And I was like,
"What are you talking about?"

And she was like, "Somebody is
screaming, somebody is moaning."

I said, "Babe, I am watching
singles ladies tennis.

Maria Sharapova screams
like a hyena when she plays.

Thank God you didn't
call me five minutes ago.

I was watching mixed doubles.

Would have sounded
like a goddamn orgy in here."

Fantastic.

That's fucking right.

Hey, deejay, kick that track.

Guys, I'm gonna be
selling merch back there.

The T-shirts say
"Getting Chrissy with it."

And a couple of you
will have the great souvenir

of actually getting
Chrissy with it.

Thank you very much,
good night.

One more time for Chris Palmer,
ladies and gentlemen.

Pennsylvania, you guys
ready for your headliner?

You've seen him on his numerous
appearances

on "Oh, That Billy."

And, uh, his book...
best-selling book

is for sale after the show,
"The Tonight Show."

And, um...

And... And of course you know
him from his TV show,

"I Got You This Time."

Let's give it up for Billy G.

Couldn't find that pen, huh?

What's up, Pennsylvania?
How you doing?

One, two, three...

"Oh, Billy."

"Oh, Billy."

I was born Billiard Goulet...

Those two right there, please.

And papa was a rolling stone,
was he not?

Everybody goes,
"Why go by Billy G?"

And I said, "If your name
was Billiard, wouldn't you?"

Nobody wants to be
behind the 9 ball...

Will, let's go get a drink,
buddy.

- Well, I'm watching Billy.
- Oh, I know.

We're not going to
leave the club or anything.

We're just going to watch him
from the back there.

Trust me, you're going to be
sick of his act by Sunday too.

You got kids?

I got kids all different ages,
man.

I got one daughter
who just got out of college.

And you can applause for that.

She didn't... She didn't
graduate or anything.

She just got out.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit, you killed it, Chris.

You too. That fucking
elevator bit's a killer.

You know, they do sexting.

I tried to do that
with my girl, you know?

I'll try sexting her.
I said the other day,

I was like,
"Hey, baby, what's up?"

You know? "Daddy about
to pull up," you know?

"I might want to...."

She texts me back,
"Pick up some bread."

Hey, Chrissy, I got Billy G

doing four radio stations
tomorrow.

But one station still wants a
comic for their Friday funnies.

So I need you to get up at
7:00 AM and do press for me.

7:00 AM?

Yeah, if you want to keep
working at my club, yeah.

Can I bring Will?

Yeah, if that helps you get up
for a 7:00 AM wake up.

Sure.
Ricky will pick you up.

Will, I got my eyes
and ears on you.

See you at 7:00 AM.

- I've never done radio before.
- Don't worry about it.

It's easy. You just do a joke
or two from your act.

Piece of cake.

Oh, we're in business, buddy.
Hello.

Excuse me, I'm here
to redeem my coupon.

Good for one free drink
with a comedian.

- Hope it's good for two.
- Take a look at that.

Yes, it is.
Not valid in Hawaii or Alaska.

I'm Chris.
This is my friend Will.

- You guys were so funny.
- Like, we're dead.

Like sick funny,
like we're not alive, yeah.

And I tell you what, my own son,
on a count of three,

he came off the breast
and he said...

"Oh, Billy.,"

"Oh, Billy."

Hey, that's my time, guys.

Thank you, Pennsylvania.

Oh, Billy,
you killed it tonight.

"Oh, Billy."

Bro, it is time
for the night shift to begin.

We, and I mean we, are heading
next door to the pub.

But don't we have radio first
thing in the morning tomorrow?

I mean, maybe we should stay
fresh and just kind of chill.

Dude, did you just rock
your first fucking improv?

- I think so.
- Yeah, you did.

Oh, my God, you are,
like, so hilarious.

So I think we should
take a victory lap.

Besides, you'd be the first
comic I've ever met

who wants to go to bed
after a great set.

Aren't you fucking wired, bro?

- A little bit.
- A little bit?

And, like, comedy, like, for me,
like, I'm just going to say,

like, I've never even noticed,
but comedy is, like, so funny.

That's a fantastic observation.
These two are very astute.

Okay, okay, I kind of just want
to talk to Billy

for a little bit.

Suit yourself.

Meet me there, okay?

- Hold my hand.
- Yes, you got it.

Hey, you. How's things?

Well, the condo makes my place
look like the Four Seasons.

That nice, huh?
How'd your set go?

- I'm still standing.
- Give me more.

- How's Billy G?
- Oh, boy.

What?

I messed up his intro tonight.
I'm going to fix it.

I don't know, I don't want
to talk about it right now.

You'll get it right tomorrow.

I still don't want
to talk about it.

You know? It's just kind of
fresh and painful right now.

- How are you?
- Good. Good.

Long day, but still have
to finish my lesson plan

and grade 32 book reports
on "Oh, the Places You'll Go."

And throw away
18 macaroni necklaces

that have been in my car
for three weeks.

Nice. You can make
mac and cheese out of those.

Look,
I'm going to head to bed.

- Love you.
- I love you.

Oh, sorry.

- Hey.
- Here he is.

Let's get to work, dude.

So just a heads up, I actually
have a girl back home.

Oh, you know what?
Just a heads up, so do I, yeah.

Back in Miami.
And Indy, Toledo, and Austin.

And I've got one
right out there too. Mm.

Just keep her friend
busy for me, okay?

That's all I ask.
Just be a wingman.

Come on.
Come on, buddy.

How long were you
going to make me wait?

Oh, I'm sorry, are we having
our first fight?

- Are we married?
- Mm-hmm.

I love a guy
that can make me laugh.

Oh, okay, okay. So actually,
I have a girlfriend.

That's cool.
I have a boyfriend.

Thanks, I'm okay.

Got you.
Not the kissing kind.

Oh, okay.

That is my cue to exit.

Nice meeting you. Bye-bye.

Megan. Megan.

Hey, shy guy.

Where are all the party peoples?

Whoo!

Will, I'm so sorry to do this.

Can you actually make sure
Sophie gets home okay?

She's way too wasted
to take a cab by herself.

Oh, and shit,
that was funny on stage before

with the jokes,
so good... good job.

You're the best, bud.

Second best.

He's the best.

Where is everyone?

Hi.

Hello.

Hello.

So, where to, kids?

Where do you live?

Um, um, um, um,
267 Wildwood Lane.

267 Wildwood Lane, and
we're coming right back here.

- So two stops.
- We're coming right back here.

- Wildwood Lanes.
- Whoo!

That's a bit of a trip.
I'm going to need cash up front.

Going to need cash up front.

- What?
- Yeah.

That's what the man said.

Más, cabron.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Yeah, más means more.

Más. More.

Come on, let's go.

Let's go!

How far are we?

Are you sure
this is where you live?

What even is time?

Are we on a dirt road?

Okay, looks like, uh,
this is it.

This place is weird, man.

Oh, I'm home. Come on in.

No, no, no, I got an early thing
tomorrow in the morning.

Come on. Hungry?

- I have Hot Pockets.
- No, no, no, no thanks.

Oh, my God. Okay.

I got it.

Okay. She...

Shit.

Shit.

Okay, I'm just going to
help her in.

I'll be right back.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Getting some bad vibes
around here.

Stay right here.
I'll be right back.

My knight in shining armor.

No, no, no, come on.

Hey, where you going?

Fuck, he has my phone.

Yes, 267 Wildwood Lanes, okay?

- I need to get out of here.
- Happy new year!

So if anybody can come get me
in just under 45 minutes,

I'll pay them double, okay?

Okay?

Haven't seen my phone, have you?

Unh-unh.

Damn it.

You really packing
some heat there, huh?

Yeah.

No, I'm just talking
about the guns, but...

Yeah.

Give me that dick.

Psyche.
It's not even loaded.

- But you are.
- Shut up.

Just a little.

I really need
to get out of here.

Promise I won't tell anybody.

You know what, no, no,
I-I've asked you nicely already.

Okay, let's just...

Holy shit.

- What?
- My boyfriend's here.

- What?
- He'll kill you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Bye.

Baby.

Somebody call?

A really dirty girl?

That pussy better be as tight as
it was when I left this morning.

Christ.

That was a long-ass day.

10 hours of non-stop bullshit.

I need it. Let's lock and load.

I'm on it.
Let's do it.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Oh, God, yes.

Oh, baby.

Could have been you.

What?

C-Could you have been you.

Like... like, um,
like the 50 Cent song

because you love 50
and I love 50.

And that's just what
I always think about

when I'm taking care of my man.

Oh, baby.
Let's get horizontal,

then tomorrow Red Lobster.

Yay!

Get up here.

Sorry about that, man.

I was a bit creeped
out back there.

- This is yours.
- Holy shit, thank you.

Don't thank me.
Thank your friend Chip.

He called you like
12 times on the phone.

- Chip.
- Come on, let's go, man.

I've got radio
in the morning.

Yeah, and I'm Jeff Gordon.

I'm sorry you had to see this,

but a gal's gotta have
her beauty routine.

Don't look at me, I'm hideous.

Night, Chris.

Love you, bud.

Where's my little guy?

Where's my little guy?

Will, it's radio time.

Come on,
you sweet little pea pea.

Let's do it.

The cop was there
the whole time.

And it was insane. Just staring.
And...

Holy shit, dude,
that is a crazy story.

I'm sorry I left you with her,
but that's fucking funny.

Fuck you, Chris.

Hey, yo, I got
to stay back here

but I got to handle
some shit, alright?

Alright.

Chris, hey. Hey, baby.

Randy's psyched to have you
back on the show, man.

- We all are.
- Thank you.

I haven't seeing you since...

Oh, my God, last time I saw you,

did you end up hooking up
with that blonde?

- Blonde?
- The doctor, the blonde,

the hot-ass blonde.

- Not sure I remember.
- You don't re...

Jesus Christ, I'd remember her
for the rest of my life.

- Who is this?
- Oh, this is Will.

He is emceeing this weekend.

Super funny guy.
Is there room for him?

Yeah. You got to share
a mic, though.

It's alright.

And we're back from
the break, y'alls guys.

Our next guest can be seen
yuk-yuking it up this weeked

at the Pennsylvania Improv
with headliner Billy G.

For WGHS's Friday funnies
sponsored by Kirby's Donuts,

please welcome my good buddy
Chris Palmer and...

Will. Will Chu.

Welcome to the Morning Zoo,
fellas.

Oh, you know, Randy
let me just say

from the bottom of my heart,
you're welcome.

Well, Chris, last time
you were in town,

I went and saw your set.
It was hilarious.

The ladies really dig this guy.

- We love him.
- Thank you again.

You know,
when I came back from that show,

I was telling these guys
about your Florida bit,

and I was hoping
you would grace us with it.

For you, anything.

Yeah, Florida man,
so Florida man,

are we ever
going to see a headline

that's good that has
the phrase "a Florida man"?

You guys know
what I'm talking about?

It's always "a Florida man

claims his wife
was kidnapped by holograms."

Or "a Florida man set fire
to his apartment complex

because his landlord told him
to stop masturbating

in front his windows."
I mean, what's next?

"A Florida man saves another
Florida man from a Florida man"?

Love it, love it. I love it.

Did you guys know that

Ponce de Leon
discovered Florida?

So he was looking
for the fountain of youth,

and I don't know if you guys
have been to Florida lately,

but it's not definitely
not in Florida.

So, uh, Will, what's going on
in your world?

Oh, well, this guy had
a little adventure last night,

right, pal?

I don't think I want to talk...

Come on, it's live radio.
Give us something, buddy.

- Dish.
- Have at it.

I ended up in a cab with a very
nice young lady last night.

And she was trying
to hook up with me.

But I have a girlfriend back...

Uh-oh.
- And then what happened?

So I jumped out of a window
of her trailer

because her boyfriend pulled up
and he was a police officer.

And let's just say
he really knows

how to blow off some steam.

Like, he... he knows how
to blow off some steam.

We heard it.

Okay, Will,
this is the Friday funnies.

Why don't you try giving us
something funny?

Okay, so I'm from Ohio.

- Boo.
- Come on.

- Originally I was from Kansas.
- That's not funny either.

Alright, let's check in
with Bill

and hear about
this weekend's weather.

Okay, this weekend's forecast,

going to be a good one,
Zoo Crew.

- Friday...
- What am I looking at here?

'Cause I want to be prepared.

Alright, Friday is sunny
with a high of 70 degrees.

Whoo, cotton T's, capri pants,
open-toed sandals, ladies SPF15.

Saturday is sunny
with a high of 76 degrees.

Tank top, cut-offs,
flip-flops, SPF30.

And Sunday, we got
a high of 82 degrees.

I'm calling sports bra,
no bottoms, barefoot, SPF50.

- You rock, Bill.
- No, Val, you rock.

What's the news?

- Huey Lewis.
- Huey Lewis.

Back to you, Randy.

Alright, as you know,
Friday funnies

is brought to you
by Kirby's Donuts

and I love them.
We all do.

Stop by and see them.

And as a matter of fact,
during the next break

I will finally sink my teeth
into that éclair

that I've been eying
for the past 45 minutes.

Big thanks to Kirby's Donuts.

And a big thanks to Chris
and Willie from the Improv.

Go see them this weekend.
They're performing with Billy G.

We will be right back.

Boom.
Alright.

Hey, thanks for
coming in, fellas.

Alright.

What the fuck?

Did you eat my éclair?

Yes.

I'm... I'm... I'm sorry
I didn't know it was yours.

I can just go get another one.

Like... Like, do you want me to
go get another one for you?

Hey, thanks for coming in,
Chris.

Always good to see you, buddy.

Was it at Wrigley's Donuts?
I'm so sorry. I really didn't...

- Hey, other comic.
- You're on a roll, my friend.

- Dude.
- Whoa.

You had chocolate on your face

the whole time
he was yelling at you.

They got a picture of it
online too, dawg.

What?

Oh, come...
That is uncalled for.

- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.

I could look at this all day.

Let's get out of here,
man.

- Okay.
- Yeah, of course.

- Dude, we got you.
- Hey guys.

I love Chris Palmer.
Great comic, great comic.

Comes in, funny. Just funny.

I mean, I love everyone.
I'll give anyone a shot.

Some guys just don't get it.

Some guys just
don't know the game.

- Who?
- Who?

That douche,
that open mic douche.

Walt, Willie, Wally,
whatever his name was.

- Who cares.
- He comes in here...

- Not funny.
- Unh-unh.

- Can you just turn that down?
- Sure, sure.

So he comes in here,

stinks up the place
with a horrible joke.

Every time he talked,
it was just, "Ugh, who cares?"

You know, he's got
no future in comedy.

No charisma.
Chris has charisma. And then...

Okay, maybe just
change the channel.

- Yeah, of course.
- Course.

He ate the only thing
I wanted in that box of donuts.

I looked forward to it all week.

And that little bitch ate it.
He ate it. His jokes ate it.

His jokes stunk.
Stink, stank, stunk.

- It smells so bad in here.
- I feel sick.

So if you want to see a great
show this weekend

at the Improv, go see Billy G
and Chris Palmer.

But if the show starts at 8:00,

show up at at 8:15
after that "comedian" is done.

- Ugh.
- With his awful comedy.

Or if you do show up,
matter of fact,

if you do show up, boo him.

You know why?
Because Ohio sucks.

Boo that pig from Ohio
that ate my goddamn éclair.

- Boo. Boo him.
- Boo.

Checking traffic...

Ohhh.

Oh, shit.

Chris, thanks for waking up
early to do press.

- Sure thing.
- Will.

You're on a short leash.

Well, I-I didn't know
he was going to get...

That was live on the radio.
The whole city heard it.

This is my business.

And you made my business
look really bad.

Well, I thought maybe
I was just making myself

- look really bad and...
- And you're working at my club,

hence my club looks bad.

That's strike one, Will.

That was pretty bad, huh?

Eh, just have some great sets.
He'll get over it.

You think so?

Eh, 50/50.

Whew. Lunch, Willy boy.
My treat, baby.

So, look, want to go
into the city tomorrow

and hit up that Warhol Museum?

Yeah, sure.

My God.

So there's coleslaw and fries
inside of the sandwich?

How did you find this place?

Well, when you're on the road
40 weeks a year,

you get to know the spots.

Philly, Geno's cheese steaks.
Cinci, Skyline chilli.

D.C., Ben's Chili Bowl.

San Jose, Original Joe's.

Plus there's
a lot of ass in here.

- She is so hot.
- I think she can hear you.

Oh, I hope so.

How about you? How do you write?

Well, I think of
something that I think is funny,

and then I go on stage
and I talk about it.

And then I talk
until they laugh.

- That's it. Easy.
- That's brave.

I-I don't know if I can
trust myself that much.

I need to plan everything out.

Well, look, I got three weeks
left on the road,

and then I am moving to L.A.,
baby.

- L.A.?
- Mm-hmm.

Why not New York City?

So you make 50 bucks
a show emceeing.

And then you're going to emcee
for a few years

to build your way up
to featuring like me.

And then you do that
for a few years,

making a 100 bucks a show,
which is still shit money.

And then you're going
to want to headline

to make the big bucks, right?

Well, nobody's going to
book you to headline

unless you've got a TV credit.

And you don't get a TV credit

unless you go to New York
or L.A.

And L.A. has sunshine.

Plus L.A.'s the big show, okay?
And I'm ready for it.

Get me an agent,
be seen, kill it.

Then you got fuck you money.
It's mailbox money, okay?

You get a Lambo,
pussy all the time.

That's it. What about you?
What's your plan?

I just recently
went all in on stand-up.

So that's why this weekend
is so important to me.

I'm hoping Chip
will book me again.

Hey, ever work
with Billy G before?

Once, a long time ago.

Look, I liked that dude
when I was a kid,

but he hasn't done shit
in what, 15 years?

Well, I think he's incredible.

Look, Will, I get it.
He's done shit.

Great. He's yesterday.

We are tomorrow.

But he's accomplished
what every comic wants.

He has an hour special
that everybody can quote.

He has a TV show
that runs 24 hours a day.

The guy's a TV star.

Was a TV star.

Well, he's still
an idol of mine.

Holy cow, what is it?

Planet of the eights in here?

See what I did with
the title of the movie?

Yeah, that's
"Planet of the Apes,"

- planet of the eights.
- Uh-huh.

- Yeah, that's a good one.
- He got it.

William, last night,

I went to my favorite
late-night noodle spot.

And I must have butt dialed you
five or six times.

I-I didn't even notice.

You didn't notice that
I called you 6, 8, 12 times?

Well, I, like, lost my phone
for a while.

My cat, Tchaikovsky, died.

Have a great show.

Thank you.

Friday night,
let me hear you.

Who's ready for
a great show tonight?

It's called duck l'orange.

I'll let you make it
for me sometime.

I'm fucking around.
I'll make it for you.

Yo, there's my guy.

Hey, buddy.

Two shows tonight.
Let's kill it.

I think maybe I should wait
until the second show.

It's your first weekend, bud.
Let's do this.

Boom. Mm.

Alrighty. Love it.

Show your love
for your emcee for the night.

He does clubs and colleges
all over the city.

Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

Hey.

What's up, Pennsylvania?
How you guys doing tonight?

Awesome.
What a beautiful crowd, right?

I see a lot of pretty girls
here in Pennsylvania.

Not really here
but, like, in downtown, so...

But you guys are okay.
You guys are okay.

But I think there's one thing
we can all agree on, right?

- Ohio sucks.
- What?

Friday funnies.

That was a good one.

Alright, let's try
this one more time.

I think, as I was saying,

I think there's one thing
we can all agree on, is dating.

Dating is just
a little different now, right?

Everybody made it
out of their cubicle.

Hey, Billy. It was awesome
watching your set last night.

You know that bit about
your kids and breastfeeding?

That's one of
my all-time favorite bits.

Thanks.

So, hey, um,
I was just wondering,

tomorrow can I maybe
take you out for lunch

and just ask you
for some advice?

You know, like, about stand-up?

"Tonight Show,"
book for sale after the show,

"I got you this time,"
"Oh, That Billy."

Thanks.

Anybody do
some day drinking today?

The dude passed out in the back,
that's my kind of day drinker.

- Hell yeah.
- Hey, what's up, man?

- Hey, man.
- You hanging after the show?

- Sure.
- Cool. You smoke?

- Not really.
- Blow?

Definitely not.

Alright.
Try and go to a strip club?

- It's not really my speed.
- Oh, you pop pills?

Ricky, I feel like I'm not
a great hang for you.

- I'll break you.
- Sir, are you guys married?

Yep, you don't seem
too sure, okay.

Hell yeah, Pennsylvania,

you guys are dirty as shit,
and I love it.

Give it up
for yourselves, everybody.

Yeah.

Deejay, kick that jam
one more time.

Peace you all. Love you.

One more time, Chris Palmer,
ladies and gentlemen.

I can't go to
a Chinese restaurant

with white people anymore.

No, seriously, every time
I go to the Chinese restaurant

it's... wait, hang on, hang on.

Is she... She's seriously
on her phone right now.

Do you guys see this? Hello?

Miss, that's got to be
an important phone call.

Hang on a minute.
Who are you talking to?

Who you... Let me get that.
Hang on, hang on. Hang on.

Hello, sir.
I'm assuming it's a sir.

No, it's not.
Oh, hey, ma'am, how are you?

Who is this?

This is a comedian
that you don't know about.

Does your friend
have a boyfriend?

Yeah, his name is Tim.

- And what's your name, sir?
- Hank.

- Ohhh. Who is Hank?
- Who is Hank?

Who is Hank?
I don't know.

Erica is sitting next
to a handsome man named Hank.

Is she married? Like, should
somebody know about this?

This getting scandalous, guys.

Alright, Pennsylvania Improv,

are you guys ready
for your headliner?

Okay, you've seen him

in his numerous appearances
on "The Tonight Show,"

and you read his book,
the national best-seller,

"I Got You This Time."

And of course you know him
for his own television show,

"Oh, That Billy."

Let's give it up for Billy G!

- Alright, enjoy that book now.
- Trust me,

- you can't afford me.
- Okay.

I would come and strip
for your friend,

but it ain't going to happen.
It's too steep.

Hey, Will, come here a second.

I'll catch up with you guys.

- Yes, sir?
- Lunch tomorrow.

- Seriously?
- Dougherty's at noon.

Absolutely. I will...
I'll be there.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, noon.
- It's a date.

No, it's just food
and conversation.

- It's not a date.
- Sorry, that was stupid.

It's not a date.
But I'll see you there.

Seriously, he said
lunch tomorrow.

Cool. Will, every weekend,
God willing,

one of your shows
will have a bachelorette party.

- Will, I'm fucking again.
- Good for you.

Thank you.

Alright, I can do that to you.

Alright, see you, bud.

Will, where the fuck
you been, man?

- Right here.
- Anyhoo, I'm about to go to

Slappy's Mess
and the strip club.

- You trying to roll?
- I'm good.

You want some ecstasy?

- Is everything okay back home?
- I'mma hug you now.

Okay.

Thank you.

Doing the, uh,
Siberian tiger thing.

You read about this? Mmm.

One meal a day. It's supposed
to simulate what they do.

Love you, bud.

Pick up.

Hey, Billy.

Let me ask you something.

Why do you want to do this?

I grew up watching stand-up.

My dad loves stand-up.

And that's all we did.

You know some kids, like,
they bond with their dads

watching baseball, basketball?

We watched stand-up.
We watched Eddie Murphy,

we watched you,
we watched Billy G.

Like, when I was 8 years old,
that was, like, my shit, man.

- Yeah.
- And, I mean,

I've always wanted
to be a stand-up.

I just... I just love it.

How much you work a night?

I do like a 12-minute set.

12 minutes? That's it?

So how much time
do you think

that the people
who come see our shows work?

Every week? What do you
think they work a day?

- Eight hours a day?
- Eight hours.

- Yeah.
- Five days a week.

Alright, so now do you think
that you deserve a shot

before you go and do 12 minutes?

When somebody's been
working all week?

If you put it that way,
no, I guess not.

No, you do not deserve a shot.

You want to be a party guy,

turn up, as the kids say...

that's what y'all say, right?

"I'm going to turn up."

And that's fine.
You know, some people come down,

that's all they want to do
is have a good time,

hang out in the green room,
get laid, you know?

And eat some Cheetos.

But you got to respect
that audience.

Do your job first.

Mmm.

This alright, right here, man.

You ever had some of this?

Taste that.

Take a little bite here.

See, get that up in you.

- Mmm.
- What?

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Do you have any advice
for, like, a young comic?

Like, what should I be doing?

I'mma tell you two things.

- Write it down.
- Okay.

Be...

funny.

Funny.

I'm fucking with you, man.

- I wrote it down.
- I'm fucking with you.

Okay, look, no, but for real.
Two things.

Write and get on stage.

- That's it?
- That's it.

Yeah, I'm actually working on
this bit. So it's about...

Look, I don't want to hear
about your bits.

I don't want to hear
about your bits.

Good for you.
You got a new bit, great.

Keep working on it.
Work it out.

But don't...
don't tell me about no bits.

Okay.

So you want to know
when do you become a comic?

Most young kids, they believe

it's about when they
a headliner, right?

Even being a headliner
don't mean you a comic.

When you find
your own point of view,

get your own voice,
get selfish with that shit.

Get... Say stuff that means
something to you on the inside

and make you laugh.

Larry the Cable Guy. Gaffigan.

Chris Rock. Katt Williams.

When I say these names,
you can already envision

- their audience, right?
- Mm-hmm.

That's 'cause
they talking to their audience.

They audience find them.
That's what you got to do.

Find your voice.

You find your voice,
your audience will find you.

And that's when
you're a comedian.

What about you?

The funny thing is
when I first started this,

I used to think
that I had to make them laugh

so that I could feel good.

But over time, I realized
that I make them laugh

so that they feel good.

It's the best job in the world.

Give you one other thing
real quick.

Write this down.

Billy is leaving.

Yeah.

Willy boy.

What's up, bro?

I'm working out
this new joke tonight.

So I just want to
run it over a couple...

Yeah, don't try out new jokes
on a Saturday, bud.

Do that Sunday or Thursday,
not tonight.

Good evening, and welcome
to the world-famous Improv.

Saturday night,
make some noise.

I said, Saturday night,
make some noise.

Now, please welcome to the stage

your emcee for the night.

He does clubs and colleges.

Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

Hey, what's up?

What's up, Pennsylvania?

How you guys doing?

Alright.
Are we having fun tonight?

Are you guys ready
for some comedy?

Alright.

I see a lot of pretty girls
here in Pennsylvania, right?

Am I right? Yeah.

Not really here but, like,
in downtown, you know?

Ohio sucks. Ohio sucks.

Alright, oh, geez. Sorry.

Hello?

Alright, Pennsylvania,
you guys ready to have some fun?

Okay, I want to talk
about myself tonight.

And my... my...
my father...

Actually, my... my...
my girlfriend...

so I have a girlfriend.

She's a teacher.
And most people they...

they usually say
teachers are underpaid, right?

But I think they're
actually overpaid.

That's a joke obviously.
I don't... I don't...

I'm not getting political here
or anything.

You know, my... my...
my girlfriend called me out.

I've been a little bit
of a bummer lately.

And so she said if I was a city,

I would be like Seattle.

It's...

You know, it's...
it's, like, rainy and it's dark.

And it just...

Well, so I was
thinking about this.

I'm like, "Okay, what if
I was to upgrade to a city?

What city would I upgrade to,
right?

If it's not for Seattle,

then maybe I can upgrade
to Flint, Michigan."

- That's...
- What the fuck is he doing?

- He's dying.
- Or, you know, what if

I really upgrade,
like I-I-I hit it big,

and... and then I make it to,

I don't know, like, uh...
like Cleveland, right?

Ohio.

I wish you would
go back to Cleveland.

Even Flint.

Okay.
Actually, this weekend,

I-I was going to go to Columbus
with my girlfriend.

You should go meet her
right now. Please.

Just... Just head there now.

Well, let's...

Light him. Light him.

Where... Where is it? Here?
I'm doing it.

Are you guys ready
for your next comedian?

Okay.

What the fuck happened?

- I am so sorry.
- On a Saturday night?

I was just trying to get
personal with my mat...

Don't get per... What...
It's not "Dr. Phil."

That's your second strike.

You know what happens
on the third.

- It won't happen again.
- Yeah, it certainly won't.

Because I'm cutting your time
on the next show.

You're getting five minutes,
that's it,

and bring up the guest spot.

Got it.

Fuck.

- Yo, thanks, man. Thanks.
- Alright, how you doing, man?

- Big fan.
- Thank you guys for coming out.

- Sorry.
- Whoa.

Thanks for the flashback,
my man.

Well, you told me
to write more about myself

so I just thought, you know...

Yeah. I also said be funny.

- Jesus.
- You're the emcee, you know?

Supposed to warm
the place up, you know?

Yeah, but I never
dealt with hecklers.

Do a little crowd work
or something.

I don't know if I'm that good
with crowd work yet.

What about the other night?

The lady with the phone.
That was funny.

Well, that actually happened,
so I was just kind of reacting.

Exactly. Crowd work. Reacting.

Hey, Will, come here.

Sorry.

Hey, guys, how are you?

Brooke Bailey...
she's going to run her

"Tonight Show" set
for next week.

Don't fuck up her intro too,
okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Wow, "Tonight Show," congrats.
I'm Will.

- Hi. Brooke.
- Nice to meet you.

You too.

So is there anything you want me
to say for your intro?

You can just say
the Comedy Cavalcade Tour

and then I'm doing
"The Tonight Show"

- on Thursday.
- Okay, cool.

Finally sold
two fucking T-shirts.

Making it rain, baby.
Holy shit.

- Brooke, what's going on?
- Hi. How's it going?

- So, you doing time?
- I am doing time.

She's doing "The Tonight Show"
on Thursday.

What? Then we got to celebrate.

- Oh, wow.
- Ohh!

The lovely Miss Bailey.

- How are you?
- Good to see you.

Oh, goodness.

Heard you got
"The Tonight Show."

- Yeah.
- I called Jimmy, alright?

- I told him to take care of you.
- You're the best.

- Thank you.
- Well, I mean, you deserve it.

You're talented. You work hard.
Come on.

Like I told you,
I said first thing first...

No, what you would
always say to me

is don't write down
jokes in your phone.

Always write it on a piece
of paper with a pen

because it makes it
more personal.

Doing your thing,
super talented.

You deserve this.

Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

What's up?

Packed house tonight
on a Saturday.

A lot of pretty girls
in Pennsylvania, am I right?

Look at them.

Ohio sucks. Ohio sucks.

Ohio sucks.

Okay.

How are you guys doing?

Mother and daughter?

Yeah.

- Where's... Where's Dad?
- Oh, he's not with us.

Okay. Is he, like, fishing?
Or bowling?

He's dead.

Ohio sucks.

Nice, uh, pretzels, right?

- He is not funny.
- Not at all.

Father and daughter.

Father and son, right?
That's cool.

Do you like to eat
chicken wings?

Why... W-What's up with...

You know if you split improv
into two words,

it's kind of like I'm pro,

with a V at the end.

Are you guys ready
for your next comedian?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Thanks. Hi, everybody.

Hello. Hi.

Wow, thank you, thank you.

Give it up for, Will.

It's good to be here.

I did not Uber here.
I do not Uber.

All my guy friends
want me to take an Uber

whenever I'm scared
to walk to my car,

take an Uber, it's super safe.

For who? Why... Why is it safe?

All my guy friends
are like, "What do you mean?

There's a rating system."

Oh, really? Is that what was
wrong with hitchhiking?

There was no rating system?

I feel like all my mother
ever said to me

was "do not talk to strangers."

Now every night
I get in the car with one,

I show him where I live,

and then I eat his candy.

- Yeah, of course, of course.
- Thank you so much.

Oh, yes.

- Thanks.
- Bye.

I don't know, actually,

if there are different
belts in kickboxing.

I just do the YouTube videos.

Yo, let's definitely hit up
that Warhol tomorrow, okay?

Uh, look, Chip,
I'm... I'm sorry about...

Not now, Will.
I think we can both agree

that stand-up's not
in the cards for you.

Can't think of any reason for
you to come out tomorrow night,

but thanks for coming in.

Hey.

What?

You the comedian?

Apparently not.

Are you the comedian Will Chu
who was on the radio?

Look, man, I know Ohio
sucks, alright?

Will Chu who told a story
on the radio

where you ended up in a trailer
with a girl who had a boyfriend?

And you were in my fucking home,
drinking my beers?

When I found two open beers,
I couldn't understand

why does my girl
have two open beers?

I don't get it.
Are you that Will Chu

who lives at 223 Clark Street
in Steubenville?

It is too late to say no?

Ow!

I never laid my hands on her.

No shit.

And by the way,
no one will fucking believe you

if you tell them what I did.
I've done it a bunch.

What's up?
You've reached Jen.

Well, not actually.
I'm not here.

You know what to do.

Hey, babe.

I just got back.

Thought I'd give you a call.

Things are going
pretty okay here.

Y-You know what, maybe...
maybe it's not so good.

Actually, it's a pretty
fucking horrible night.

Maybe stand-up is just not
really in the cards, you know?

Maybe I just don't have it.

Bye.

Hey, Will. Lunch.

Hey.

Oh.

Whoa.

Whoa, man, what happened
to your eye?

Well, a cop punched me
in the face

because I was hanging out
with his girl.

That's fucking awesome.

That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, well, just getting
something to eat,

then I'm hitting the road.

Whoa, wait... wait a minute.
What about tonight?

There's no tonight.

I'm heading back to Ohio.

Didn't you quit your job
to do this?

Yeah, but you saw
what I did last night.

Yeah, you bombed.
Bombed hard, too.

Shit, your ass should be
on a TSA watch list.

Hiroshima, Nagasaki, Will Chu.

Chip said I'm done.

Chip said?

Chip said you're done?
What about you?

You... You say it's over?

Man, you know what?

Go on. Go on.
Get the fuck out of here, man.

If that's all it takes,
go ahead on.

Bye. Bye. Who gives a damn?

You saw me.
It went terrible.

You actually should
be proud of yourself.

Y-You going quick.

You... You... You actually quit
your job, man.

Quit your job,
drove your ass down here.

Been getting on the stage.
You're actually doing it.

One, two bad shows,
and now that's it.

That's all it take?

Ain't the last no
you going to get.

You're going to hear
a whole avalanche

of no's you stay
in this business.

There's going to be shows
that you want going to be a no.

You're going to get shows
that you're hired on,

they're going to fire you.

You're going to have things
that your friends book

that you thought
you should book

because you believe
you funnier than they are.

You're going to
write a new joke,

you're going to be out on that
stage, you're going to try it,

and that audience
is going to be like,

"No, I want to hear
all the old shit."

But guess what is more powerful
than all of those no's.

Your belief in yourself.

You know, what happened
to you last night, sure,

it's the worst thing
that can happen to a comic.

You bombed.
And in a spectacular fashion.

I mean, boom.

You in pain?

No, not really.
Just a shiner.

No, no, no, you in pain.

You in pain, I'm in pain.

That's... That's what
the life of a comic is, man.

We take our pain.
We got to find that stuff.

That's what we take on stage.

When we find that pain,
got to learn to embrace it.

Take what's personal and
you give it to that audience,

and it makes them laugh.

But the thing about stand-up,
son, you listening?

Is that you have a chance
to be better today

than you was yesterday.

It's another show tonight.

If he was the one
that's, like, doing the...

If he's like, "Ohio sucks,"
first... first and...

If you think about it, like,
Neil... Neil Armstrong...

Hey. I got your message.

So you had a bad weekend.

You don't give up on something
you love that much so quickly.

Give me a call.
We can talk about it.

I'm here for you, Will.
I believe in you. I love you.

Hey, Will, glad to see you.

- You are?
- Yeah, you just reminded me

I'm supposed to take your name
down from the marquee.

Okay, about that, is Chip here?

Yeah, he's in the office.

- Can I talk to him?
- Yeah.

T Dog for Captain Crunch.

Yeah, little kamikaze's
here to see you.

Yeah.

Hey, Chip.

I was going to text you.
We need to settle up.

Before you say anything,

I'm here begging you
for one last set.

What happened to your face?

I had a really,
really rough night.

I don't give a shit, Will.

This is all I got, man.
Stand-up is all I got.

Then you don't got much because
you're not good at stand-up.

I started off okay, right?

Let me just finish the weekend
the same way I started.

And if I'm really no good,

then you'll never hear
from me again.

Please. I promise.

One last spot.

Yes, thank you. Thank you, Chip.

Okay.

Welcome to
the world-famous Improv.

Sunday night, make some noise.

Dude, what the fuck?

This fucking cock wad
I sold a T-shirt to last night

just came up to me in the lobby
wanting to return it.

Who the fuck returns a T-shirt?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Anyway, buddy, I'm telling you,

that fucking shiner
looks so dope.

You are going to be
like a chick magnet tonight.

Anyway, bro,
grand finale tonight.

I'm pumped to hear
what's in that book, buddy.

You're going to kill it.

- Thanks.
- You got it, bro.

My "pleazh."

Ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be starting the show

in just a few moments.

There's no video or flash
photography during the show.

Now, before we get started,
I got to let you know

to keep your talking
to a minimum

but your laughter to a maximum.

Who's ready for
a good show tonight?

I can't hear you.

Who's ready for
a good show tonight?

Put your hands together
for Will Chu.

What's up, Pennsylvania?

How you guys doing?

Awesome.

So, as you guys can tell,
I got this black eye.

The reason is when I went
outside the other day...

Ohio sucks.
Ohio sucks. Ohio sucks.

Okay.

Ohio sucks, right?

Ohio sucks.

Ohio sucks.

Everybody,
why don't everybody do it?

Ohio sucks, Ohio sucks,
Ohio sucks.

Yeah, you know what?
M-Maybe these guys are right.

Ohio does kind of suck, right?

Is there anybody from Ohio?

Good, yeah,
there's a reason why.

Right, look, look, actually,
actually, if you think about it,

Ohio is where legends are born.

Legends, right?

If you think about it,

we got the Wright Brothers,

first in flight... from Ohio.

John Glenn, first man in space,

from Ohio, right?

Neil Armstrong, first man
on the moon... from Ohio.

So if history
has taught us anything,

it's taught us that
men will do anything

to get the fuck up out of Ohio.

Right? Right?

So maybe it does suck,
I don't know.

I don't know. Right?

So my dad passed away
a few years ago.

Not to bum anybody out.

People die all the time,
even Asians.

It's okay.

You know, we don't age
but we die.

It's okay, it's fine.

So stand-up was like me
and my father's thing.

We actually grew up
watching Billy G,

your headliner tonight,
give it up for Billy G, right?

And I always wondered, like,

is he, like, watching me
from upstairs?

That's what people say
all the time, right?

Is he watching me work?

Is he watching me when I'm just
drinking coffee in the morning?

Is he watching me
when I'm masturbating?

You know? 'Cause he's probably
got a lot of footage of that.

Hey, what if he's here tonight
watching me from upstairs

and he's looking at me
and he's like,

"Man, that is my son
doing stand-up.

My only son doing
stand-up comedy.

And I must say,

I'd rather
watch him masturbate."

Ohio sucks.

Ohio sucks.

Ohio sucks.

Hey.

I just want to thank you
for letting me do my last set.

Here is your check.

This weekend means more to me
than any amount of money.

So...

this is me telling you...

I need an emcee
in two weeks in Kansas City.

- You free?
- Absolutely.

I'm in.

And I think we confirmed that
you've got my cellphone number.

Let's just do e-mail.
It's a little more professional.

Okay, but you know you can
call me anytime you want.

Thanks, sir.

Thanks, Chip.

So it begins.

Whew. So it begins.

Deejay: You know your opening
act from the Pennsylvania Improv

and other clubs and colleges.

Give it up for Will Chu.

Kansas City,
how you guys doing?

You know, I used to be
a full-time physician.

And I was doing stand-up comedy
on the side.

And, uh, I was always scared
to make that next step.

I was a waiter.
It was the greatest job ever.

I officially never quit.

I just took a leave of absence.

I still have my name tag
to this day... true story.

If this shit don't work out,

I'm going back to Golden Corral
in Tallahassee.

My first night doing stand-up,
I actually did really well.

Like, by accident.

And then I bombed
for like two years after that

before I was, you know,
able to get laughs again.

I was terrible. Horrible.
Just horrendous.

You got five minutes,

and I think I did four
at the most maybe.

And the second time,
I did three.

You would have thought
I would have gotten longer,

but I actually got shorter.

I did some editing.

So yeah, I guess
it was kind of hard.

But it was fun
because I loved it.

And I guess if
I looked at it logically,

I probably wouldn't
have done it.

Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org