All language subtitles for scrubs.s08e16.My Cuz.eng

J.D.: After a weekend with Sam,
it's always sad

driving him the 37 minutes
back to Kim's house.

Still, there was one positive.

Elliot's a bit territorial, so if I got
any physical contact from Kim...

Oh, your collar's messed up.

...on the way home
Elliot made me pull over for car sex.

I know I shouldn't exploit
her insecurities,

but car sex really appeals
to my exhibitionist side.

Here we are.

That bitch better watch her hands.

Hi, Kim.

Hi.

Oh, J.D., you have fuzz in your hair.

J.D.: I know. I put it there.

I need to tell you guys something.

It didn't matter what Kim had to say.

Elliot was already in car-sex mode.

Yeah, to save time, I'll just probably
take off my underwear here.

Whatever's good for you.

Nothing could stop this train.

Ta-da!

Sean?

You know, unless Kim was dating
Elliot's stupid ex-boyfriend.

Hey, Elliot. J.D.

Sean.

You know what sucks?

I have to hire a new Chief of Surgery
and I just can't fathom

giving any of you tiny-brained
scalpel jockeys a leadership position.

Honestly, so far,

this is the only candidate
who I'm seriously considering.

The guy has the opposable thumbs,

so you automatically know
he can handle the job.

And, well, I was just thinking
if you slap a diaper on him

and maybe tape some glasses
to his face,

sure-shooting
he'll look professional enough.

You know what?
I'm gonna call the gentleman.

I'd be great at that job.

- Then go for it.
- Chief of Surgery?

Baby, one of the most amazing things
about you

is that when you want something
badly enough,

you always make it happen.

Remember when you first started
working here

and I had no interest in dating you?
What did you do?

I made it happen.

And what about when I had no interest
in marrying you?

I made it happen.

Go make this happen.

I'm doing it.

Even though you didn't used to like me,
I'm your world now, right?

My whole world.

That's what I'm talking about.

No, thanks.

So how's married life?

You have to make compromises.

Like my wife's allergic to raccoons,
so I had to throw out my comforter.

How was your honeymoon?

Did you know that
Kelso stayed in the Bahamas, too?

I love you.

I love you, too.

Let's never leave.

Yeah, we saw him.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I was so blitzed with rum drinks,
I could barely remember where I was.

I feel horrible.

Oh, no, stop it.

At first, you were like
the third wheel from hell,

but then we made you do stuff.

Had you pay for our meals,
got you into a couple bar fights.

Oh, on the beach, we bet you
you couldn't eat a starfish.

- And?
- I owe you a buck.

- So you had fun with it.
- Oh, yeah.

- Good.
- Folks, I'm sorry, but we have to close.

Our pastry maker
was just admitted to the hospital

with a highly contagious
intestinal virus.

What the hell? I'm already in it.

Hi, I need to check myself in.

For what?

For that.

So we've been dating, what?
About a month?

And I just didn't wanna say anything

until I knew
it was gonna go somewhere, and...

Well, we hit a little speed bump

when I first found out
that Sam was your baby.

Yeah, he got drunk and asked me
to sell him on the black market.

Yeah. She wouldn't, but...

That's sweet.

I just don't understand
how you two even met.

Did someone introduce you?

I love you?

Sweetie, it was over a year ago.
You and I weren't even together.

And I figured
at most they could end up friends.

Well, you also told me
he was great in the sack.

Kim, I will kill you.

He's not, sweetie.

I can't do this all on my own

No, I know

I'm no Superman

I'm no Superman

See you then.

They're coming by for lunch
so we can air everything out

and get past all this weirdness.

Sean's coming here?

You don't realize how much it sucks

to spend time with someone
you used to sleep with.

You used to sleep with Kim
and I have to see her every week.

- That's totally different.
- How?

I don't know, Elliot. I'm not some genius

that knows why things that seem
the same are actually very different.

Be crazier.

Did you put on that cologne I hate
to punish me?

That's insane.

J.D.: Insanely true.

Go.

Now, I know I gave all of you
five-to-one odds,

but no one stitches an orange
faster than me. No one.

I am a god! Done!

Damn it.

Oh, good, this is where
you interns are located.

Here I was worried
you were out taking care of sick people.

Finished. Oh, crap.

Leave.

I'll take that.

- I heard you were looking for me.
- Yes.

I want to officially put my name in
for the Chief of Surgery.

That's a good one.

Laugh all you want,
but I'm still getting that job.

I know we don't always
get along personally,

but in my defense,
it's because you're a huge jackass.

I'm the best cutter in this place
and you know it.

When you put it that way,

you compel me
to consult with the Decision Committee.

"Say, Perry?" "Yes, Perry?"

"Listen, I was wondering,

"can Dr. Turk here
be the new Chief of Surgery?"

"Well, I haven't hit the bottle yet today
so I'm not that drunk.

"The answer's no, not in this lifetime."

Sorry, there, I did everything possible.
Strength.

- How are you feeling?
- Not great.

But now when I hurl,

I've been trying to say the names
of my favorite novels, so that's fun.

Hmm.

Look, I'm sure
I just have an enterovirus,

so order me forty cc's of...

No, you are not a doctor here anymore,
you will not treat yourself.

I'm siccing the interns on you.

Oh, come on. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What happened to
your sleeve there, Tex?

I sewed an orange onto it.

I'll take the foreigner.

Yay! I'm so happy.

I dropped Sam off
at the daycare upstairs

and they seem really good with him.

- Yeah, they were good.
- Didn't they? Yeah.

- It was a good group of people.
- So good.

- Good, good.
- Good things are good. So it's good.

Stop saying "good," Sean.
You sound like an ass.

You said it too. He said "good."

No, I didn't, Sean.
Can you believe this guy?

I need to talk to Kim,
maybe we should divide up.

I vote yes.

- You said "good."
- Nobody cares, Sean.

Nobody cares.

Am I gonna have a office this fancy
when I'm the Chief of Surgery?

It's dangerous to try to reason
with delusional people,

so I'm just gonna go
about my business.

Okay, I'll go, but only because
it's time for my peer recommendation.

Right here, buddy.

I get embarrassed
when people say nice things about me.

Handle your business.

Dr. Turk should be chief
because he's skilled technically,

he's super-efficient,
he's got an awesome dong,

he's great
with laparoscopic procedures,

patients love him...

What was that middle one?

Laparoscopic?

So you're the best he could muster up?

Oh, no, I'm not the only one.
We all want Turk.

You want him
to be the Chief of Surgery?

That depends. Does he get
a special chief hat, like a police chief?

- No.
- Okay.

If you give him the job,
and I make him a hat,

will you force him to wear it?

I was thinking
like an old time scuba diver helmet.

"Hello. You need a new colon."

No.

Is that a maybe?

You ready to do this?

Let's air some crap out.

I feel guilty
because we used to be friends

and now I resent you so much
for having a baby with J.D.

That sometimes
I dream about you dying.

Also, if you ever even touch J.D.,

I have sex with him in the car
in front of a random creepy bicyclist

that J.D. Thinks I don't see.

- That sounds healthy.
- I think it is.

Look, if it makes you feel any better,

I used to dream about you dying
all the time.

- Really?
- Yeah. Seriously.

What do you think
the women are talking about?

I'm not psychic, Sean.

But they better not be all chummy,

chatting about which one of us
is better in bed.

They're women.
They don't talk about that.

J.D.'s better at sex,
Sean's better at foreplay.

J.D.'s great at foreplay.
He just takes the "play" part literally,

so you've got to embrace
all of his games.

You know, there's
"Nooks and Crannies," "Upsy-Daisies."

- "Who's in There?"
- Oh.

Followed after by "What's in There?"

- "Mr. Peep Tries on Hats."
- Love that one.

It's not fair that we still have to be
in each other's lives.

I know. But I also know

the girls aren't gonna let up
until we make peace.

So, what do you say
we change the tone a little bit

and both say something nice
about each other?

I'll go first.

Look at you.

There's no way around it,
you're a beautiful man.

- Thank you, J.D.
- Now you go.

- I never agreed to that.
- You beautiful son of a bitch.

Look, we need to stop
seeing each other as enemies.

Sean, you and I have had sex
with the same women,

therefore, we're wiener cousins.

And where I come from,
this right here is stronger than family.

- That's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it ridiculous, fellows?

Nurse Roberts. Both of them, one night.
May she rest in peace.

Cuz?

Okay.

- I'm not hooking fingers.
- Okay, it won't be official.

We touched. It counts.

I'm just putting an IV in, okay?

Sir?

Sir, are you okay?

Bah!

One-nothing, Bobbo.

Good one. Hold still.

Damn it! We're even.

That wasn't a vein, was it?

That's okay, sweetheart.
You're probably just nervous.

So why don't you go get a cup of water
to relax and we'll try it again?

Thanks. I'll be right back.

Take your time.

The Grapes of... The Grapes of Wrath!

I'm so proud of you
for working things out with Sean.

What can I say? He's my wiener cuz.

Kim and I are bajingo sisters.

- You always wanted one of those.
- I know!

- There's Sammy.
- Hey.

Hi.

It's okay. It's okay.

J.D.: As a parent, you realize
there are things much more annoying

than your child crying in your ear.

Someday, he'll lie to your face.

- Oh, who placed that IV?
- That other intern did it.

Mmm-hmm.

Or he'll relentlessly pester you
for a toy he wants.

Are you gonna give me that job
or what?

He's a little sad.

Oh. Can you take him?
He never cries when Sean holds him.

J.D.: Still, nothing really matters
as long as you know in your heart

that your child loves you the most.

All better, little man.

Bye, guys.

- What was that?
- Don't worry about it.

So Sam stopped crying
the second Sean picked him up, huh?

- That's harsh.
- I know.

J.D. Was a little quiet last night,
but I'm proud of him.

He's really handling it well.

Your plan to sex up my old girlfriend

so you can turn my baby boy
against me is over.

Hey, buddy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No.
What's wrong? What's wrong?

It's okay. How are you doing this?
Are you a sorcerer?

Hey, J.D.

Hey, Dr. Cox, I heard you were hiring
Dr. Turk as the new Chief of Surgery.

- I told her the good news.
- It's not happening.

I have tried to communicate
that message to you

every single way I know how,
but you won't hear it.

Honestly, the only option I have left
is to concentrate really hard

and see if I can shoot
my actual message

right into your big bald head.

I know you don't wanna give me the job.

My God, it worked.
This is a terrific day for science.

Time to call in the closer.

A word.

Why do you always have your wife
fight your battles for you?

I do. Get him, woman.

- What are you doing?
- I'm doctoring my file.

What are you doing?

I'm making a special hat in case black
doctor gets the Chief of Surgery job.

I need you to guard this door
while I take care of some business.

Why should I?

You know why.

The bond that can't be broken.

That was 20 years ago,
but I'll honor the code.

You seemed so happy in the Bahamas.
How come you left?

I thought it was a nude beach.

- It was a church, Bob.
- So?

Fine, I'll go.

- Hey, stop him.
- Whoa, buddy. Hey. Hey.

It was time to go. Mmm.

Oh, good, someone
already gave him the shot.

Hey, can I have that? I wanna put it
on something I'm making.

I don't think that's okay.

It's a hat.

I'm gonna hang on to this.

See, he's fine now,
but when I get close...

It doesn't make any sense.

Unless, of course,
someone is shocking him

by pressing a remote control button.

- What's that in your hand, Sean?
- Yogurt.

- What's at the bottom of it?
- Peach. Peaches.

- Give me that!
- J.D.

Okay, you're clean.

Did you see what he did?
That was my last yogurt.

I know, calm down.

And he said "good" yesterday.
I heard him.

You know what?
Give us a minute to talk. Come on.

What the hell are you doing?

I don't know.

Look, after my parents divorced,
my dad really wasn't around for me.

And I promised myself I was going
to be a better father than he was.

Now Sam cries
like I'm some kind of stranger.

And I like that
Sean has a relationship with him, I do.

- Thanks, man.
- I'm not talking to you, Sean.

You are a great dad.

Then why can't I hold him?

Hi, guys.

If you don't stop treating yourself,
I'm going to have you strapped down.

Naughty.

And you, just give Turk the job already.
He's a natural leader.

Plus, I'm about to spit out a second kid,
I could use the extra cash.

I knew damn sure you were gonna
go ahead and make this personal.

Am I supposed to give him a job

because you and I
are such good friends?

I wouldn't ask you
if I didn't know he was right for it.

Bob, who's the best all-around surgeon
in this place?

Turkleton, hands down.

Kiss more butt, Bob.

And you're giving me lip
for making this personal?

The only reason
you're not giving Turk this job

is because of
your personal feelings for him.

- That's just not true.
- Liar.

The Adventures of Huckleberry...
The Adventures of Huckleberry...

Don't puke on me, Bob.

Sorry. Just a burp.

Look, I know you're just trying
to cheer me up.

No, trust me, there have been times

when I wanted to tell people
you're a terrible dad. But you're not.

You spend tons of time with Sam.

You call him every night
so he can hear your voice.

You write him all those stories
about unicorns.

Seriously, how do you come up
with so many?

They just come to me.
And I got to get them out, you know?

- No, I don't know.
- They're magical.

They're not.

Look, whatever is making Sam cry,
it's not about you. It's about him.

You know, babies are sensitive
to all kinds of things,

bright lights, temperature, new smells.

The cologne I've been wearing
to try and punish Elliot!

Yes! Thanks for the shower
and the loaner clothes.

Look at that face.
It's like he's got all of our best features.

No, he got your chin.

Wow. I'm having a moment.

Bob, would you please close
the back of that thing up?

- Calm down, Perry. It's for the ladies.
- I'm sure they're grateful.

Hey, why did you check yourself
into the hospital for a glorified flu bug?

In my defense,
I thought I might also be dealing

with some issues
from eating a raw starfish.

Oh.

But you know what I realized
when I was treating myself?

I miss being a doctor.

Well, here's your chance to get back
in the game there, big guy.

Am I wrong to not hire Gandhi?

I thought it was going
to be something doctory.

- Of course you're wrong.
- But he bothers me.

Everybody bothers you.

Hell, you used to bother me
when I was the chief,

but I kept moving you up because
you were the best man for the job.

Now the question is,
is Turkleton the best man for the job?

Those are some pretty good
stitches you got going there.

Yeah, I used to be terrible at it

but Dr. Turk made us practice
with oranges every day to get better.

Hmm. Nice buns, hon.

Thank you, darling! Suck it, Perry.

J.D.: Elliot came over later.
Even though it was better,

I wouldn't say
the awkwardness was totally gone.

Whoa, weird flashback.
Like the ghosts of couples past.

- Oh, yeah, no.
- No.

- I'll get up.
- No, no, it's your house.

- It's so silly.
- Okay.

- It's your house.
- You guys go there.

J.D.: Ladies should sit.
- There you go. Thank you.

Well, no, that's kind of weird.

- It's nice, but not...
- I'll get up.

J.D.: I'm a guest. I guess the guest...

You together.
J.D.: We're the guests.

Yeah, exactly.

The guests.
The guests will sit on the couch.

That's where guests sit.

Can I get you guys anything?
Wine maybe?

- I'll have a yogurt.
- Don't start.

You know what we should do?

Sam's napping, let's watch this video
I've been making of him.

Yes.

J.D.: There are moments in your life

that make you realize
what you've been missing.

Whether it's an old job.

Or the best person for a new job.

Congratulations,
you're the new Chief of Surgery.

- Say thank you.
- Thank you.

I told you. I told you, baby.
I told everyone. Come here.

I told everyone. Hail to the chief.

So there he is with his little red wagon.

And that's my cousin's puppy.

J.D.: As I sat there, enjoying images
from my son's young life,

I realized that I was seeing
these moments the same way

Sean and Elliot were, for the first time.

The truth is, no matter how hard I tried,
I was gonna miss a lot.

Because even the best part-time father
in the world, is still a part-time father.

I think I'm going to move here.

Great.

I'm not wearing that.

It's not up to you.

Fine.

It is kind of cool.

I want it back.

Too late. Chief coming through.

Salute.

There it is.

I'll just wear my other one.