All language subtitles for The.Right_.One_.2021.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-YTS.MX-HI

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
M_I_SForEver

♪♪

[beard trimmer buzzing]

♪♪

[customer service
representatives indistinct]

[woman] Give me a second,
I'll send it over.

Okay, is this everybody?

Just leave the door open.

All right, gentlemen...

and... lady.

My name is Bob Glasser.

I've been sent
from corporate in Akron

to boost
your productivity.

Now we found
the best way to do that

is in boosting the fun
quotient of your employees.

So I'm going
to tell you a joke.

["Cissy Strut"
by The Meters playing]

By the by, any joke told in
the confines of this office

must be
within OSHA regulations

and not create any discomfort,
sexual or otherwise

to the audience
listening to said joke.

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.

All right, a priest, a minister,
and a gay rabbi walk into a brothel.

♪♪

- What is that?
- [woman] Uh...

That's G-Money.
He works here.

- G-Money?
- G-Money is his nickname.

- He works here?
- Yes.

Well, that's
unacceptable.

Just looking at this man,

you can tell that he's breaking about
eight different dress code policies.

Yes, but G-Money
is actually a special case.

Special?
Oh, like special?

So we get a little
tax credit or something?

No, no, not that kind
of special.

He is the company's top sales
performer for three straight years.

- That? That is top sales?
- [woman] Morning, G-Money!

- [man] G-Money!
- [woman 2] Good morning, G!

- For three years?
- Three years.

- The peacock?
- Mm-hmm.

All right. I'd like
to see him in my office.

- Okay.
- The rest of you can F-O.

- I'll tell you the joke later.
- Okay.

- Oh...
- Is this... is this my office?

First in overall sales.

First in ancillary sales.
Well...

This is impressive.

- Thank you, sir.
- I just don't understand

how is it that you're
outperforming

my entire sales staff by...

364%?!

The truth?

I love my job.

That's good. Very good.

- Bob, I've got to ask.
- What?

Is that... and gosh darn it
if it is...

I'm frizzle-frazzled and pardon my
French, all of it...

Is that a Blues Traveler's
harmonica?

- You have a good eye.
- Shut the front door!

- Are you kidding me?
- No, I'm not kidding you!

- What? You?
- Yes!

Come on, are you
a fan of the Traveler?

- Yes, I'm a Traveler fan.
- Okay, here's what happened.

When the Traveler came to
town I got backstage, BS.

After he signs
this harmonica,

he lets me put on
his harmonica belt.

- Okay, well, mine's not that, but 2014...
- Uh-huh.

- Popper, Red Rocks.
- Ooh.

- A little high. You know?
- Yeah.

You know what we do
at the Traveler.

- What happens at the Traveler...
- ...stays there.

I'm in the audience,

- harmonica solo with his nose.
- Shut up!

- Nasal solo.
- That's amazing.

- Yes! 14 minutes.
- What?

- Yeah.
- We should jam sometime.

Oh, my God.
I'd jam right now.

- You play?
- Yeah. You got some peanut butter?

- Because I got the jam, baby.
- [laughing]

You don't think I carry a
harmonica with me everywhere I go?

Oh, my God!
Are you kidding me?

- Yeah! I do.
- What? No!

[harmonicas playing]

♪♪

What do you want?

Excuse me?

Oh. Yeah. Can I get
a wine spritzer, please?

Actually, no, make that
a lemon drop martini.

[Kely] Speaking
as a literary agent,

not everyone has to be dead at
the end of a children's story.

I just think it's
a part of life, right?

The sooner, the better
for them to learn it.

- Right.
- Yeah.

[mouthing] Come here.

No.

[mouthing] You. Them. Both.

Absolutely not!
You come here.

I'll be right back.
Excuse me.

[sighs]

What the fuck, Sara?

- Shh. Just check out this guy.
- ...tell you what colors are.

The disjunctive perturbation
of the spatial relationship

brings within its realm
of discourse

a distinct juxtaposition.

He's the reason
people hate art.

Really? Then why'd you
bring me here?

Because you write
romance novels,

and you need
to get laid.

One circle's small,

down in the bottom,
it's big. Why?

Okay, can we talk about
something other than men?

You're a lit agent.
You should know about the Bechdel test.

Okay. Shall we discuss
your deadline?

No! Anything but that. God,
I wish I could return that stupid advance.

First of all, I negotiated
that advance for you,

so it's not stupid,
it's amazing.

Especially considering the fact
that nobody reads anymore!

- [man yelps]
- Damn it, Sara.

I pulled you out of your sad
girl cave to inspire you.

Pop quiz, when was the
last time you even had sex?

- Ugh, I don't know.
- No, wrong answer.

The answer is
367 days ago.

What, are you tracking
my sex life on an app?

Um, it's not an app.
It's a text.

That's actually a really
good idea for an app.

No. I'm enjoying
my celibacy, all right?

It's me time.

Doesn't "me time"
mean masturbating?

What? No,
it definitely does not.

Really? Well, I've been
using it wrong.

Sara, listen,

you owe Axi a book
in three months.

Three months. Okay?

So just get
those unmanicured fingers

tap, tap, tapping
before you lose this contract

and your career is over.

Huh? You are almost 30.

This is my last chance
to sell you as a prodigy.

- I am 31.
- Don't say that out loud!

This is a kids' world.
My biggest deal last year

was for a seven-year-old
YouTube star's memoir.

You could just die.
I mean, honestly.

So sorry.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, I just thought
of something funny.

- Here's what I believe.
- [shutter clicks]

The selfie has become
this religious fervor

and it's just become
insatiable.

It's not cool.
It's not a selfie.

Hey, it's that guy
from the other room.

I'm going to assume
your name's Jeff.

What is he doing?

And what about right now?

What about right now?
What if we just lived right now?

[chuckling]

Okay, and if we can
take the time and stop,

and be ourselves in the moment,
right, in this moment right now...

- He's so weird.
- We are we.

You are you. He is he.

If we could live in this moment
in a Buddhist-like bliss...

Come on. Come on,
there's someone I want you to meet.

- Okay, just don't be obvious. I just... Who is this guy?
- Come on.

How about I before me,
except after you?

I think this world
would be a much better place.

And, to be honest, that's
what this painting is about.

- I painted it.
- Mm.

And shit, sure.

I know you don't smoke,
but now you do.

I don't know, he looks like Austin
Powers fucked a chimney sweep.

- Come on. Come on, let's go.
- [coughing]

Yeah.

♪♪

[instrumental music
playing over headphones]

[Vince] Hey, G, what up,
what up?

- Living.
- I hear that.

Hey, G. Feel this.

[G] Nice.

["Karma" by J. Rae playing
throughout]

♪♪

Ugh!

[phone ringing]

Hi!

Sara, I am expecting

to see some pages
by the end of the week.

Where is this? Okay?

- You hear me?
- Yeah. I know, I know.

I am just working here.

Are you fake typing?

[giggling] No.

Really? What did you
just type?

Oh, what'd I type?

Let's see here. "Stefan
puts his hand on Zelna's neck."

Zelna? I'm sorry,
did you say Zelna?

Yeah, Zelna.
Zelna Pinks-tin-ton-ton...

- is the name of my protagonist.
- Honestly, Sara,

this self-indulgent,
narcissistic phase of yours...

This is disgusting!

Has gone on for too long.

Your Simon breakup
is messing with my money.

Simon sold his soul
and became obsessed

with his 401K
and his stock options.

- So, no.
- Ooh! Ooh! What an asshole.

He grew up and did
something responsible.

Just like every fucking woman
in this world wants!

You need to move on, so you have
a date tomorrow. His name is Ben.

He is an artist, a real one,
who actually makes money.

I've made you a reservation
at that place you like

where all the food
tastes the same.

No, no, I'm not going.

What'd you say?

No, I'm not going.

Oh, you're going to do it.
And do you know why?

Because if you don't,
I will expose you

and everyone's going to see how you live.
Is that something you want?

People to see the squalor
that is your studio apartment?

Sweatpants strewn about?
Moldy, discarded,

expensive meal plan
containers everywhere?

That pathetic vision board?

I will bring your mother
to your apartment,

I swear to God I will.

And do you want her
to see that?

Okay, fine,
who is this guy anyway?

Mm. Ben. This is disgusting.

This is terrible.
Get this out of my face.

He came highly recommended.

Makes musical steampunk
instruments.

You know, balalaikas,
accordions.

Where's my coffee?

Some neo-Victorian shit.

What?

And most importantly, he's
a potential client's son,

so don't be gross.

I'm sorry.
Don't be late.

Well, I don't even know
what he looks like.

I showed him
your book jacket photo,

so try and resemble it.

Thank you so much.
I don't know what I'd do without him.

And so after working
in soul-killing jobs,

I decided to just chuck it all
and do something practical.

Hmm. Like designing
steampunk instruments?

I love creating something
with my own hands, you know?

Like, when you make
something,

you put it out there
in the world... [sighs]

There's this feeling that you
actually, I don't know...

Matter?

Yeah.

Yeah.

- So Kelly tells me you're a writer.
- Yeah.

It's actually been
kind of crazy.

Right after college,
I started this blog, Sara Syndrome.

And it was sort of like
a satiric look

at feminism and sexuality
in the age of social media.

And now I write
these softcore romance novels

for dumb millennials.
Like, blergh!

- Now I'm working on my third.
- Oh, wow.

Like a series or something?

Would I know it?
What's it called?

The debut is called Sext.

But it came out
when the word was new,

- so it was cool at the time.
- Got it.

Actually, the whole thing
was written entirely in emojis.

I can't tell
if you're kidding.

Guess you'll have
to read it to find out.

- [chuckles]
- The critics were okay with it,

but almost everyone
hated the ending.

Why? What happens?

Well, the protagonist,
Sara,

she flies into this passionate
fit of jealous rage

and castrates her boyfriend,
Ben, with a paring knife.

Yeah! [laughs]
Gotcha!

Oh, I'm kidding.
[laughs]

That was a joke.

[laughs] Whew.

Obviously, they're not called Ben and
Sara, that would be crazy.

But she does
castrate him at the end.

I guess I'll just have
to read the next one.

What is
the next one called?

Chastity.

Times have changed, huh?

No, but seriously,
and don't tell Kelly this,

but I haven't actually written a
single word in like two months.

Am I too young
to be washed up?

Well, maybe you're
abstaining from writing

to learn about abstinence.

Yeah. Maybe I am doing that.

That's what I'm doing.

♪♪

[man] ♪ Growing up
a little dog ♪

♪ Feeling insecure ♪

♪ Why can't we all get along
in this doggone world? ♪

♪ Get along, little doggies ♪

♪ Little doggies, get along ♪

♪ Growing up a big dog
in this big dog world ♪

♪ Why can't we all get along
and stop being so insecure? ♪

[guitar playing]

I'm Cowboy Cody.

You guys might remember me
from right now.

Maybe next week too.

You can maybe remember me
from next week.

I'll be back.

Take care of yourselves.
Drink water.

Excuse me.

Don't I know you
from somewhere?

Well, you might, ma'am.
Name's Cowboy Cody.

- Play down here all the time.
- Tuesday night.

Weren't you at the Wenke
Gallery in Fremont?

[chuckles]

Cowboy Cody at an art gallery?
Now that's a knee-slapper.

I saw you talking
like a stuck-up art critic.

And then later, you were
like this stoner professor.

And now, what are you, like,
some kind of Southern guy?

Do I look like a college
professor to you, ma'am?

I'm just a simple cowboy.

I write songs.
Sometimes I sing them.

Have a good day,
ma'am.

- Wait, so you're a cowboy?
- Yes, ma'am.

Is this some kind
of reality show or...?

Ma'am, I truly think you have
me mistaken for somebody else.

- Have a nice day now.
- No, no, it was you.

You're hard to miss
in a crowd.

Come on, let me buy you
a coffee or something.

Bless your heart, but I got
to skedaddle out of here

and giddy on up onto my pony.

You need to learn
some better cowboy words.

Come on,
I'm really curious.

All right, well,
if you're itching to see me,

I'm going to be in Fremont,
Wednesday at 8:00.

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Cowboy Cody.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.
- Hi, it's Ben. How are you?

Uh, good, you know?

Just doing my thing, you know,
getting some productive writing done.

How about you?
How's the flugelhorn coming?

Are you blowing it?
[chuckles]

That was an attempt at flugelhorn humor.
[chuckles]

Please say something else.

Oh, I was wondering
if you wanted to go out

- Wednesday night with some friends of mine.
- Ooh.

What were your friends
thinking?

I'm not really sure yet.

Just maybe some drinks
or maybe a show?

You know what?
Maybe we could start off at Venue.

Some performers are doing
something there.

I love performers doing
something, so sure.

Great. So I'll
see you then.

See you then.

[woman crying]

- [wailing]
- [discordant music playing]

[woman screaming and wailing]

What am I watching?

I think it's
a satirical piece

on the entanglements created
by the modern social construct.

I like the body positive
aspect to the work.

It's so much a part of what's
missing in post-modern art.

[wailing continues]

Bet by the end they
give birth to a sweater.

[laughing]

That's impossible.
Sweaters aren't humans.

Chloe here
is a musician.

Yeah? What do you play?

Chloe isn't talking
right now.

Oh. Why?

She's practicing meditative
silence for 24 hours.

Cool.

[screaming and moaning]

Give it up for Yarna
Sutra, everybody.

[man] Whoo!

Excellent!
Excellent!

Don't let my cat
near those guys.

Up next, let's have
a big round of applause

for Allie Cornbush!

[scattered cheers]

[cheering increases]

My name's Allie Cornbush.

I'm from Iowa City, Iowa.
Go, Hawkeyes!

- [cheering]
- [laughs]

I just got in town yesterday
and I got off the Greyhound,

and there were two of the
nicest fellas waiting for me.

One of them offered
to help me with my luggage

and the other one offered
to get married.

- Ooh! [laughs]
- Tomorrow.

I'm going to put it off
until tomorrow.

We're going to do it tomorrow.

[laughs]
Oh, my God.

The reason that I came down here
is because of my grandma.

- God bless her soul.
- Aw...

So tonight, I'd like to perform
for you a song that I wrote.

It's called "How To Be Alone."

It's for anyone
who's ever felt lost.

♪ Wish I knew
how to be alone ♪

♪ Wish I knew how to do it ♪

♪ Wish I knew how to be
in the room by myself ♪

♪ Without thinking
about you and ♪

♪ The times that we had ♪

♪ The people we saw ♪

♪ The places we saw together ♪

♪ Wish I knew
how to be alone by myself ♪

♪ I just don't know
how to do it ♪

♪ Wish I knew
how to build a boat ♪

♪ I wish I knew how to do it ♪

♪ Guess I could grab
a book off a shelf ♪

♪ And start
rifling through it ♪

♪ But, oh, I forgot,
I don't know how to sail ♪

♪ I don't have a sea leg
to do it ♪

♪ I guess I'm landlocked ♪

♪ With a boat in my driveway ♪

♪ Oops ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ I blew it. ♪

[guitar playing]

Thank you guys so much.
I'm Allie Cornbush.

- [whooping] Yeah!
- Give it up for Allie Cornbush!

Yo, Allie Cornbush!

- Hey, darling. How are you?
- That was amazing.

I mean, surprising,
but amazing.

Thank you so much.
You're so sweet.

[chuckles]

Oh, this is Ben and, uh...

Ben's friends.

That was an interesting
performance.

Thank you so much. You know,
sometimes the Lord and the Holy Spirit

just come down into me,
and I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Oh!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!

- [laughing]
- Ooh, ooh!

You've got to join us.

I wish I could, but I've got to go.
Nice meeting y'all.

- Toodle-oo!
- Wait, where are you going?

What do you mean?
I got places to go and people to see.

Well, can I come?

How about a raincheck?

Well, we could,
but I'm free now.

I mean, I am kind
of on a date, but...

Yeah, he seems happy with the
farmer and his girlfriend,

so how about it?

Look, truthfully,
I don't really find people

that interesting
or worth getting to know.

But I'm obviously very
intrigued by you, so...

All right.
You're persistent.

Ballard Avenue and Montlake
Boulevard at midnight.

Midnight?

Name's Sara, by the way,
in case you wanted to know.

- Toodle-oo!
- Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

[distant siren wailing]

[glass bottle breaks]

Oh, hey.

Let's go.

Oh. Okay.

♪♪

Um... um...

What-what is this?
No, seriously.

Okay, wait for me.
Wait for me, wait for me.

- [pipe rattling]
- [glass breaks]

- [Sara yelps]
- [laughter]

Did you hear that?

Is anybody there?

No? Okay.

Wait, what?

Where did you... go?

Hello?!

Hello?!

Hello?!

Oh, my God!

You are in the middle
of nowhere

at 1:00 in the morning with some
guy whose name you don't even know.

And now you're in the middle
of a horror movie.

Not your best idea, Sara.
Not your best idea.

- [screams]
- Surprise!

[high-pitched voice]
It's me, DJ Katamine.

Okay. First of all,
do not scare me!

And secondly, why are you
wearing that?

Put it on. Let's find out.

- Wait, seriously?
- Put it on.

Put it on, come on,
put it on, put it on.

♪♪

Well, if it ain't
the OG!

What's good, man?

Hey, yo, we can't wait
to see you spin tonight.

- Wait, you're a DJ?
- Something like that.

Doesn't Deadmaus have
this whole angle covered?

Yeah, where do you think
he got the idea from?

What?

Hey, man,
what's with the chick?

- She's all right.
- I'm all right.

What are you,
a DJ wannabe?

Yeah, that's right.
I'm a DJ wannabe.

- Man, I ain't working with no toy.
- Toy?

How long you been
in the game for?

You're still just
hitting play on Spotify.

Is she in the decks?

No, I got something else
planned for her.

You do?

Just keep the toy
away from me.

You're the boss.

["Glow" by Liqwyd playing]

What's up,
you sexy mofos!

[cheering]

All right, our headliner's
coming to the stage.

Give it up for the one,

the only, DJ Katamine!

[cheering continues]

Yo, yo, yo!
What's up?

Make some noise!

Let's give it up for the hottest
feline hype person in town!

Give it up
for DJ Meow-na Lisa!

Hell no! I'm not going out there.
I'm not a performer.

You're wearing a mask.

You can be anybody you want to
be, just take it.

You go out there,
not me.

Look, I brought you
here for a reason.

I got a feeling about you.

["Glow" by Liqwyd playing]

Who's ready
to lap up some milk?!

[cheering]

♪♪

Wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow.

That was...

That was so much fun!
Oh, my God!

You got me to perform in front of
people, and I actually liked it.

Yo, yo, yo. I'm out, G.

Meow-na!

- Girl, you killed it tonight.
- Thank you.

Hey, you can hype up
any of my gigs.

- All right? Deuces!
- Oh, thank you! Bye!

Yo.

I'm out.

Hey, I haven't been up
this late since college

and I am still ready to go.
So where do you want to go?

What do you want to do?
Let's do it.

Oh, don't shake
your head no.

Next time.

Admit it.

You like me.

- Give me your number.
- I'll see you around.

Oh, let me hit you on your
celly-welly, DJ Katamine!

What's good?

All right, fine.
I'll give you my number.

206-855-3152!

All right, text me!

♪♪

[Southern man] You sound
like a fine young man.

- What'd you say your name was?
- Name's George, sir.

Now don't tell me
you're from Alabama yourself.

Yep! Born in the great city
of Selma, sir.

Well, heck,
I knew I liked you.

I love the films
of Shammi Kapoor, too.

[Indian man]
Oh, he was wonderful.

If you ever saw me,
you'd say that I look just like Shammi.

Especially the way he looked
in Mama Bhanja.

So you're a private
investigator?

I was actually looking into
hiring a private investigator.

Yeah, I just want
to see what I'm up to.

I found that when I'm
in Ardha Chandrasana,

I channel more Shiva energy if I
wrap my standing leg around my head.

- Do you hear that?
- [playing chords]

I'm just saying
that "stop, drop, and roll,"

you got to add
another "stop" to that.

There's no such thing as scented Wi-Fi.
No, there's not.

Yeah, hi, just one piece
of pizza delivered.

You guys
just deliver pieces?

Your total is $321.

No. No.

You.

You Namaste.

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

[phone ringing]

What?

Hello?

You left your date in the
middle of a club last night.

- You humiliated him.
- Yeah, uh...

It wasn't really going well.

Okay, so you say you've got
to walk your dog

or you have explosive diarrhea
or something.

You don't just leave
like an animal.

Plus, his mom? I was
on the brink of signing her.

And she has more number one
bestsellers

than all of my clients combined.
That includes you.

All you had to do
was be normal,

but you couldn't,
could you? No.

But once again,
it was all about you

with no thought of how
it was going to affect me.

I'm sorry, I was wearing
a cat head at a rave.

Be honest with me.

- Are you on drugs?
- Please, I wish I was on drugs.

I'm too paranoid
to be on drugs.

No, look,
I'm sorry, I just...

I bumped into the most
interesting person last night.

[scoffs] Please don't tell me you found
another lost soul to save. Rub them!

I did not find another
lost soul to save.

It was that eccentric guy
from the gallery.

I think this guy can really
inspire a good book.

What? No. No. No book.

Axi wants Chastity.
That is what they paid for.

I think I can make Chastity
about identity

and how we're all trying
to be something we're not.

- I'm already writing it.
- It's a book to diddle to!

What are you talking about?
What? No, stop.

Chastity is a book
about a girl

trying to track down
her kidnapped dog

and hopefully banging a bunch
of hot dudes along the way.

This isn't Tolstoy.

What's this guy's
name anyway?

You know what?
I don't know.

Okay, so you're going
to write a boring novel

about a nameless guy you just met?
Is that the plan?

He's not one person.
He's, like, many different people.

He's a mystery,
and I need to unravel him.

Oh, honey, no.
Sara, the streets of Seattle

are littered with guys
like this.

You're mistaking crazy
for interesting.

No, he's not crazy.

He's a complete original,
like...

one day, he's this pretentious,
stuck-up art critic

and on the next,
he's a female singer.

And then the day after that,
he's like a rave DJ.

Okay, so fully schizophrenic,

'cause that's exactly
what you just described.

- Please tell me you're not sleeping with him.
- No!

I do feel happy around him,
though, and inspired.

Still, you should
get tested anyway.

This is not about dating,
and it's not about me.

It's about the book,
I promise.

And last night,
the dam broke,

and I couldn't stop writing.

And it's the best stuff
I've ever written.

You know what?

I am going to be
late for my guitar lesson.

- I got to go.
- You're taking guitar lessons?

Yeah, I got to fill up
my creative gas tank.

No, Sara, guitaring
is not writing.

Hello! Hello!
Damn it!

[sighs] It's like you're
my only friend.

♪♪

[baby crying]

Well, it's about time
you came to visit.

Well?

That's not enough.
That's not enough!

After all we've done
for you and those kids,

this is all we get?

Why don't you go back
to your fancy apartment

and get us some more money?

- [man] Give me my half.
- [woman] No, you're not getting half.

- Give me the money!
- You asshole! No!

- You're just gonna drink it or you're gonna throw it away!
- [little girl giggling]

- The money!
- All I know is, all his friends

and everybody coming
over here and...

[argument becomes muffled]

Excuse me.

Oh, hey!
You're from last night.

What do you want with him?

What do you mean,
what do I want?

I mean, why are you
hanging with him?

What? Who are you?
I don't even know you.

How the hell do you know
where I live?

- I followed you home last night.
- Okay, wow.

If you stalk me,
I will call the cops.

Jeez!

- Just leave Godfrey alone.
- Oh, that's his name? Godfrey?

Yeah, Godfrey
doesn't have no friends.

Oh, yeah? Then who
the hell are you?

I'm his brother.

Wait, you're his brother?

Yeah, so I know everything
that goes on in his life.

Trust me, you ain't
going to be a part of it.

Oh. Well,
are you his brother or his father?

Because whoever he is,
he's a grown-ass man.

He doesn't have to answer to you.
And neither do I.

Yo, leave him alone!

He doesn't need you
screwing up his life!

- [bell rings]
- [children screaming]

You're no good.
The kids won't like you.

Yes, they will,
you stupid.

You stay down,
and you just be a stupid puppet.

Okay.
Sorry, Boss.

Our favorite volunteer,
Mr. G, is back with us today.

- What?
- [kids cheer]

[teacher]
Isn't that great?

- [cheering continues]
- [music playing]

[goofy voice] Hello, kids!

I think it's time
for me to get a haircut.

[kids giggle]

[different voice] Oh,
did I hear a haircut?

I'm a magician.
I can do it without scissors.

Okay, now watch
carefully.

Abracadabra.
Alakazam!

[laughing]

What do you think
of your new look?

[growly laugh]

Give me my hair back
or I will eat you!

[growling]

Okay, okay,
don't eat me, Lion.

Okay, children,
do you remember the magic words?

Abracadabra! Alakazam!

Ooh, I can't see my hat.
I cannot see the top of my head!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

♪♪

[Simon]
Sara?

Oh, my God. Nope,
nope, nope, nope.

- No, no, nope.
- Sara?

- Simon!
- [light chuckle]

Hi!

Is that your bike?

This bike?

No.

No. No.
Uh-uh.

- Come here, bring it in.
- Okay!

Hi. Oh, we're hugging.

- Oh, okay.
- Yep. Good to see you.

- How are you?
- Good. Good.

God, it's been a minute.
What are you doing?

I am taking
guitar lessons.

See? I have a guitar.

Hey. Your hair,
it's longer.

It is! Thank you for noticing.
It grew, so...

- Every day, it grows.
- Yeah.

And, yeah.
How are the suburbs?

Not as bad as you think.

There's actually some cool
people in the boonies.

Oh, great! I'm sure.

That's so wonderful.

- Nice Dockers, by the way.
- Oh, how dare you?

These are Banana Republic.

[laughing]

This is my wife,
Allegra.

- [gasps] Allegra! Hi!
- Hi!

- Look at that! Congratulations to you.
- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, okay.
I'm just going to say it.

Simon told me
all about you

- and I loved your book.
- Oh!

- Sext.
- What?

Yeah, I mean, I know I'm not
exactly the target audience,

but there are some serious
feminist undertones in there

and it reminded me of, like,
Louisa May Alcott.

Thank you.

Oh, that is so nice.
Thank you.

- Well, Allegra's a writer too.
- What?

Oh, my God, but nowhere near
as good as what you do.

I mean, I just write
biographies.

- I don't invent things.
- Yeah, but you were just nominated for a PEN.

Well, I'm not going to win,
so we don't have to talk about that.

- PEN?!
- Don't say that.

Everyone's
freaking out for it!

Look, she just wrote
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's bio.

- What?!
- Amazing.

- Guilty!
- [Simon chuckles]

Guilty?

- Hmm.
- Are you okay?

Yeah.

So when are you due?

Two weeks to go.

I don't know how I
could get any bigger.

- You're huge, by the way.
- I know!

I'm like a beluga!

[forced laughter]

Yeah, but I mean,
Simon's been so attentive.

Aw, look at that!

That's so great.
Really, that's so amazing.

I didn't know you wanted kids!
So, that's news.

Whatever happened to...

"I can't in good conscience
bring a child into this world?"

- [coughing]
- What happened to that guy?

- Water.
- Where is he?

Oh, I mean,
it just happened so fast.

I mean, we were dating for
like, what, four months?

- Five?
- That's fast!

I think it was four months,
then we got married.

- Wow!
- [nervous laughter]

And then, I mean,
this just happened.

And, I mean, I don't even
know this guy. [fake yell]

Me either!
[fake yell]

- Uh, honey, we don't want to be late.
- Oh! No, we don't.

- We're taking maternity photos.
- Okay.

Well, it was really
great seeing you.

Okay. Yeah, really good
to see you.

- Yeah, great meeting you.
- To meet you.

See you, and thank you.

- Okay. Yep. Yep, yep.
- All right. Okay.

- Okay, bye. I love her.
- Okay.

- I do want kids.
- Oh. We'll talk about it in the car.

- Okay, but I...
- [phone ringing]

- We'll talk about it in the car.
- Okay.

- Speak.
- [man] Hello, is this Sara?

- [sighs] Who is this?
- It is Mateo.

My good friend DJ Katamine
suggested I call you.

Oh! DJ Katamine.
Right.

Hi, Mateo.
Buenas noches.

- ¿Cómo está?
- No, I don't actually speak Spanish.

So, it was suggested
by my friend

that you might want to try
some ballroom dancing.

Really? Well, uh,
did your friend happen to mention

that I haven't ballroom-danced
in, I don't know,

- like, never?
- It's okay.

He told me you have
the body of a dancer

and the finesse
of a mongoose.

Oh, well, that's very...
flattering?

Then I will pick you up
tonight at sbet w thlathwn.

- What?
- That's Arabic for 7:30.

Oh, right. Mateo,
I will see you then.

Oh, wait. You don't
actually know

- where I... live.
- [call disconnects]

[birds chirping]

[breathes deeply,
clears throat]

["Mi Amor Eterno"
by Michael Tate playing]

[song continues playing]

["Waltz no. 2 from Suite No. 2"
by Dmitri Shostakovich playing]

Mateo, I don't have any experience
with this kind of dancing.

I don't think anyone has
in, like, 60 years.

Follow me

and I will lead you
to the path of beauty.

Oh, okay.
[giggles]

How'd you learn
to dance like this?

- It is in my blood.
- Right.

And where exactly
are you from?

[fake accent] The entire
planet is my home.

I was a young boy,
I was a goat herder in Argentina,

and I dream of dancing the waltz
after I saw The Sound of Music.

- I love that movie.
- Me too.

And so I searched the country for
Maria, and I can't find her.

And so I ended up dancing
with my goat, Sofia.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

So you learned to dance
with your goat.

That sounds normal,
right?

Very popular.

- Wunderbar!
- What is that, German?

Sí. Oui, oui.

- Follow me.
- Okay.

♪♪

Ooh! Okay...

♪♪

- Magnifique.
- Thanks.

[Sara] Hey.

So last night
wasn't a dream.

You are welcome.

I just realized I haven't
had a guy in my apartment

in, like, a year.

So thank you for being
such a gentleman.

It is who I am.

You know, yesterday
I ran into my ex,

and he was with his wife.
And she was pregnant.

I'm sorry, I don't know
why I'm telling you this.

Oh, no!
Uh, well...

I guess it just
kind of upset me,

because it made me sad that
he's not living his truth.

- But there's nothing I can do about that.
- [stammers] Sí.

I'm so glad you called,

because I feel like
our night together

reminded me
of who I really am.

[sniffs, laughs]

I'm sorry.
Blah, blah, blah.

Why don't you tell me
something about you?

Well...

I am but a poor,
young goat herder...

- From Argentina. Yeah, I know.
- Argentina.

But see,
I just spilled my guts,

so maybe you can tell me something
honest, something true.

Okay. Well...

I come to the US...
I'm a stowaway.

Wait, is this
a real story?

'Cause I know you're not
really from Argentina.

[stammers] I am!

'Cause I just assumed last
night we were messing around,

so what's...
What's your deal?

I first move here to
Miami, I have no job.

And so I start
as a dishwasher,

and I do some things
I am not proud of.

- I'm not judging, so...
- Okay, so my friend, Manny,

he tells me about a job we
can do for money, you know?

We sell ze yayo.
Ze cocaine.

And we get a job.

We go down to South Beach,
we have a kilo,

and this man and wife,
they take the kilo,

they don't give us money,
and they take Manny.

And they beat him.
And they put him in the shower,

and they chain him up
and they get a chainsaw.

[imitates chainsaw revving]

And they're going to kill him.
And I say, "No!"

Wait. Are you fucking
with me? What is this?

No, I'm not fucking.

That's the plot
of Scarface, dude.

I have... never
seen such movies.

No. No. Seriously?

What is this?
What's happening right now?

- Are you pranking me?
- No! I am telling you a story.

No, you're not.
You're not telling a story.

You're making a joke about
everything, and I'm believing you.

God, I don't know
what this is.

I don't know what
happened last night.

Maybe it's because I
actually like you.

Maybe it's because I saw
my ex, but either way,

I spent the night
with you, okay?

And I'm-I'm dressed,
but I feel completely naked right now.

I need to know
who I'm with.

♪♪

Nothing?

Okay, so now I have
to ask you to leave.

I want you to leave.

You have to go! Now!

♪♪

Who are you?

Nobody.

♪♪

[Kelly] So I'm downstairs,
and I hear this noise.

I push open the bathroom door,
and there's Dan,

- and he is standing there wiping off makeup.
- Right.

Makeup!
It was my makeup!

And I get it,
it's modern times right now,

and we're all supposed to be,
like, gender fluid or whatever.

But you would think,
after eight years of marriage,

my husband would tell me
if he was thinking

- about crossdressing or whatever.
- Maybe.

Yeah. I guess
it doesn't matter.

It would have been nice
if you listened to my story

about my husband using
all of my foundation.

- I slept with him.
- Who, Dan?

- No, with the guy.
- Nutty? You slept with Nutty?

- I slept with him.
- Oh, God!

I didn't sleep with him.
We just cuddled all night, but...

And don't call him Nutty.
His name's Godfrey,

or Mateo,
or, like, whatever.

- His name is Godfrey?
- Yeah.

Some parent named
their kid Godfrey,

and then you slept
with that guy.

- You slept with a Godfrey.
- I was feeling vulnerable.

And he was charming.
He was very charming.

He took us out dancing!
We danced!

Like, we really danced.
And then next thing you know,

- we're just, like, spooning in my bed.
- Is that fun?

It might have something to do with the
fact that I bumped into Simon earlier.

What? Oh, dear!

He's married.

And his PEN Award-nominated
wife is pregnant.

Ugh, shit! I hate it when men upgrade.
No offense.

Do you think
she needs an agent?

I'm kidding!
I'm kidding.

Come here. Look,
it's okay. I'm here.

Did you get any good
material from this?

- Are you serious?
- I'm just...

Hey! Hey, you!
Yeah, you!

- You're the crazy lady.
- Yeah, you know what?

I am crazed. Fucking crazed
for some Fromage Madeleine,

which you don't have for the
third week in a row, by the way.

Who do I have to blow

to get some decent cheese
around here? Is it you?

Is that what you want?
You want me to embarrass you

in front of all
your clerk friends?

No. I will go check
with my manager.

Yeah. Do that,
because this threat extends to him, too!

- It's fine.
- I'm just...

I'm so confused. Like,

who have I been hanging
out with this whole time?

- Why is he doing this?
- Um, he's crazy, so just stay away.

He's not crazy.
He's choosing his personalities.

Trust me.
I did some Googling.

Oh, boy.
Um... Ahem, Sara?

- What?
- Ahem.

- I was wrong. Okay?
- Whoa.

I was wrong, I said it,
to ask you to come out of your shell.

All right? So just stuff yourself
back in there and finish your book,

because so far,
the material is pretty good

and all you need is some
distance and objectivity, right?

- Do not shit where you eat.
- Okay.

You don't think I have plenty of
clients that I would love to bang,

but I don't,
and you know why?

- Uh-uh.
- Commission.

- You thought I was going to say morals.
- I did.

It's commission.

[teacher] Class,
guess who's back?

It's our volunteer,
Mr. G!

Yay!

Whoa!

You guys look
so much older.

- How are you?
- [kids] Good.

Are you good? Good.

- You guys want to read a book?
- Yeah!

- Yeah?
- You will read the book.

You know what?
I'll read a book for you.

How to Be a Friend. That sounds
like a good book, doesn't it?

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

"There are times when it
feels good to be by yourself

and enjoying
your own company.

But there are also times when
you may feel lonely or bored,

when you want to have
someone to play with...

Anyone who is nice to you

and who likes
to play with you

can become your friend."

♪♪

"The best thing
about having a friend

is... sharing."

Do you need to go
to the potty, Mr. G?

[kids laughing]

I'm fine. I'm fine.
Thank you. Um...

"We want somebody
to share with.

Mr. Frog wants to share."

Who wants to share
with Mr. Frog?

♪ Broke my heart,
woe my soul ♪

♪ You got a lover's
rock and roll ♪

♪ The next day,
a man, he lived next door ♪

♪ He kept me up all night,
made trouble, boy... ♪

- Hey, what up?
- [yelps]

What, are you
stalking me again?

Hell, no.
This is my office.

- Your office?
- Yeah.

What is that, weed?
I thought weed was legal.

People still like the drama
of buying it on the street.

Okay,
what do you want?

- He's sorry.
- Oh, you talked to him.

Look, I don't know what he
did, but he feels bad about it.

All right, sit down.
Let's talk.

Here. Take that.
You can have it.

- What the hell is this?
- It's tofu.

- Tofu? I thought it was turkey.
- Yeah.

You don't just hand someone
a tofu sandwich

and not say anything.
What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry,
man. Jeez.

[Dash groans]

So what's up
with your brother?

- It's complicated.
- Yeah, no shit.

I mean, is he ever
himself?

Have I actually
even met the guy?

Yeah, but...

it's all versions of him.
You know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Well, all the "hims,"
they're still him,

but he doesn't want to be
completely himself.

You don't want to know.

I do want to know.

I care
about your brother.

I know I don't know him,
clearly,

but... I feel like...

inside, there's
a special, sweet person.

Man, the only reason
I'm telling you this

is because Godfrey
likes you, okay?

Because you need to understand
where he's coming from.

Godfrey's parents
were worthless.

Okay? They took in
foster kids to make money.

When we were growing up,
Godfrey was more than a brother

to me
and my sister, Didi.

He was like our dad.

He took care of us.

Cooked, cleaned,
made us go to school.

My sister...

she wasn't but five
years old at the time,

and one day while Godfrey was
getting me ready for school,

Di was playing by the window
in the living room.

And my fosters was in there,
but they was drunk,

passed out or some shit.

Next thing you know...

she fell out.

And we ran downstairs,
and, um...

Godfrey took her
in his arms, but...

she was gone.

Oh, my God.

My fosters blamed it
all on Godfrey.

- Oh, come on! That's not fair.
- It doesn't matter.

Since then, he's just been
blocking out the world.

That's why he does
them characters.

He don't like being himself
'cause of the guilt.

I haven't really seen the
real Godfrey since she died.

I'm so sorry.

Is he getting any help?

He's working
and making a living

and functioning,
so that's all I care about.

What can I do?

Well, best thing you could've
done was leave him be,

but now that you
messed that up, just...

I don't know,
be a good friend to him.

I mean, I would like to,

but I can't even get
ahold of him.

He's going to be
at this tonight.

What is this?
Like stand-up comedy?

No clue. He's always
doing something

to keep his mind focused
on anything but himself.

Does he even enjoy it?

He kind of relaxes
around kids.

That's the only time
he feels really calm.

- Where are you going?
- I've got to pick up a new mixer.

I'm just short on a
little paper right now.

Oh. Well, do you
want some money?

- I have some.
- Hey, don't try buying me off.

You just be you.

♪♪

Just be me. Okay.

[female poet]
I am ready on my own.

As the Earth readies
my surroundings,

I sit deep in silence
as I meditate on my opulence.

- Thank you.
- [cheering and whooping]

[MC] Give it up once again
there for Lesa Koitsioe.

Coming up next,
we have a guy

that says he's going
to do something.

Please welcome to the stage,
for the very first time,

- Tim Dimmitt.
- [applause]

Thanks.

I wrote... um...

I wrote something.

She.

[soft piano playing throughout]

"She... she flutters
through the house,

a splash of sunshine,

sprinkling her magic
in the air with laughter.

Each syllable of sound
echoes in my soul.

But as I walk in a space
of a world left behind,

I see the ghost of her

and I search and search,
but all in vain.

And I hear...

an echo of nothing.

[exhales sharply]

So upon these streets,
I wa..."

I'm sorry.

"So upon these streets,
I walk alone.

But now a new sound
fills the air...

The laughter of a woman
who has walked beside me.

She's helped fill the void
through music,

through words,
art and rhyme...

and eases the pain
of the simple sound

of a child who's long gone."

♪♪

[audience whispering]

So, Tim Dimmitt.

You always wear
your sunglasses at night?

- My eyes are sensitive to light.
- Oh.

So I use my other senses,
like my hands,

nose, and ears
in low-light situations.

And I can tell that you're
wearing a moisturizer

that has a strong
scent of gardenia,

a hint of jasmine...

and a refined
honeysuckle finish.

- That's amazing.
- Heard that.

[Sara chuckles]

I can tell you're
a very sensitive man.

The poem you recited
was very moving.

It must have taken
a lot of courage

to say it out loud
like that.

Oh, I'm just trying
to sort things out.

The world
is a messy place.

Hey,
how are you doing?

I'm all right,
you know?

Just killing time.

Before we met,

I was kind of in a funk.

I was depressed,
to be honest.

I couldn't access
my creativity,

and then... I met you,

and that all
went away. So...

I guess that's the
opposite of killing time.

Hey, why don't you
tell me something

about the girl
in the poem?

I don't like talking
about it, it's...

It's too hard.

I understand.
It is hard.

It's hard to talk about the most
painful things in our lives,

but sometimes...

when we look inside and deal
with those most painful things,

it can turn into something
really beautiful.

So... if you want
to talk about her...

I'm here.

[sighs] It's been a long time
since I let someone in.

♪♪

Her name was Didi.

She had a beautiful soul.

She loved country music,

so I'd sing "Achy-Breaky
Heart" to her every morning.

- Her laugh was magic.
- [little girl giggles]

- Oh, my God! Oh!
- I am so sorry!

- Ew. Oh, it's soaked. Oh, my God.
- Oh...

- Yeah, can I get a napkin, please?
- Yeah.

[groans] Oh, my dress.

You know what?
I'm going to go to the bathroom.

I'm sorry.
Excuse me.

[muttering] God!

♪♪

[phone chimes]

[toilet flushes]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[music playing throughout]

♪♪

Shit.

♪♪

[pages thudding together]

[distant honking]

[elevator dings]

[sighs] Okay, we've got
to stop meeting like this.

So, this was all
about a book?

Yeah, I was right about you.

That's not fair.
I care about your brother.

No, you don't care
about shit.

You're just one more person
with their hand out,

taking what you want
from him.

You're just
like our fosters.

I have been looking for him.
Where is he?

No, I told you not to get
involved with him, okay?

Now he's got to put his pieces
back together 'cause of you.

What do you expect me to do?
I can't help someone

who won't even admit
that they have a problem.

A problem? No, you're
the one with a problem.

Now stay the fuck
away from us.

- I won't ask again.
- Where is he?

Well, what's his address?
I'll find him myself.

A last name, maybe?

Gee, thanks, Shad.
Very helpful.

♪♪

- It's finished?
- Yeah.

Oh, that was fast.

I'm actually excited
to see how this thing ends.

So what's up
with you and Godfrey?

I still
haven't seen him.

Sara, you need to find
him and make things right.

If he was pissed
about your personal diary,

he's going to be
even more upset

when your book is
a huge best-seller,

knock on wood.

Well, his brother
told me to stay away.

- So what? Who cares?
- So, I'm staying away.

I love you, but this, like,
manic pixie dream girl,

"I don't know
what's going on" thing

is really starting
to piss me off.

You forced your way
into that man's life,

and you made a mess of it, and now that
it doesn't suit your needs anymore,

you're just going
to walk away.

You were the one who told me
to keep hanging out with him.

Yeah, for inspiration,
not to ruin his life.

And honestly,
the truth is, like,

this is your M.O.
This is what you do.

You bail
when things get hard.

That...
that is not true.

No? You didn't
bail on Simon?

He broke up with me!

You pushed him away
because he didn't fit

your version
of what an artist should be,

whatever that means,
after you made him become an artist.

That is
such bullshit, Kelly.

Yeah, and there's more,
Sara, okay?

You think everyone
is a phony.

Simon's a phony,
Ben and his friends are phony.

Somehow no one but you is
living their authentic life,

yet you are writing a book
that you think is beneath you.

- Because you wanted me to!
- [scoffs]

I was perfectly happy
representing you

when you were writing
feminist allegories

about the mermaid myth
that sold five copies,

but when I told you that you
could make money writing garbage,

you jumped at the chance.

I am telling you this
because I'm your friend.

Well, it doesn't feel like
you're my friend.

Well, friendship
doesn't always feel good

and I know you think
I'm an asshole,

but you know I am a good friend,
and I am a loyal friend,

and friends tell each other
the truth, even when it sucks.

Yeah, well,
this lunch sucks!

- The food is very good...
- The food is very good.

This sucks.

Sara, do you see
the guy over my shoulder?

- Who, the bartender?
- No. The Buddha.

Yeah. What about him?

Do you know what he would say

if he were to join
this conversation?

No, I do not.

He would say, "You need to
follow the Eightfold Path."

It is the path that teaches us

the importance of actively
helping others

to free them
from their suffering.

Okay. What do you
know about Buddhism?

A lot, because I am
a Buddhist, so...

You're a Buddhist?

You're a Buddhist?
This whole time?

You... [laughing]

You're a Buddhist!

You're a Buddhist?
[laughing]

She's a Buddhist!

[laughing continues]

You've got to be the worst
Buddhist I've ever seen!

If you reduce the world
down to atoms and molecules,

you see that we're all
just one big organism,

and that what we do as individuals
has an effect on others.

You have an obligation
to help that man

because in a way,
you are that man.

Okay, I... [laughs]

I didn't come here to get
confused and lectured at.

Who would go anywhere
to be confused?

Like, why would you
pay for that?

You know what?
You have my book,

so just leave me alone.

- [banging table]
- [silverware rattles]

Ow.

You should make sure there's
more space between the tables.

["Two of Us on the Run"
by Cleopatra Coleman begins]

♪ There are two of us
on the run ♪

♪ Going so fast,
every doubt we had ♪

♪ Is coming undone and ♪

♪ Falling behind
with everything we left there ♪

♪ We held on ♪

♪ For far too long ♪

♪ And now we ♪

♪ Pass so many people
on the road ♪

♪ They could come along ♪

♪ I wish they'd been told ♪

♪ They may call it a shot
in the dark ♪

♪ From what we know ♪

♪ It's not unheard of ♪

♪ And we'll one day ♪

♪ Tell our ♪

♪ Story ♪

♪ Of how ♪

♪ We made ♪

♪ Something ♪

♪ Of ourselves now ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

Oh, my God. Hey!
Hey! I know you!

Hey! Hi!
I know you!

Can I... No, please.
Can I just ask you a question?

Please? Please?
Please? Please?

Well, if it isn't
the DJ wannabe.

DJ Meow-na Lisa,
right?

Uh, no, Sara.
But, yeah. Hi.

I'm not really
a DJ hype cat.

[gasps] No shit?

What do you want?

I haven't been able to find Godfrey.
DJ Katamine.

- Have you guys seen him?
- Not for a few weeks.

It's like he dropped off the
face of the planet or something.

- What about Shad?
- Shad's in jail.

- Got caught boosting mixers.
- Shit! Seriously?

He's going to be in there
for a minute.

There's got to be something
I can do to help.

[buzzer rings]

- [gate opening]
- [indistinct chatter]

You should've taken
the money.

What are you doing
down here?

Bailing your ass
out of jail.

Oh, yeah, right.

If you take me to him.

I'll take you up on that.

Just to get away
from that crazy mofo.

He's a baby-faced
serial killer.

But he looks so normal.

♪♪

[phone ringing]

Maintain the integrity
of the pitch.

- But put it in your own words. What?
- Mr. Glasser?

I think there's something
wrong with G-Money.

[snoring]

He looks fine to me.

He's in his bathrobe, sir.

- Does it turn you on?
- Sir?

Chicken Little?
"The sky is falling."

- [gobbling sounds]
- Okay, then. Yup.

What a dick!

To begin again, press eight
after you hear the beep.

- Beep!
- [man] I'd like to change my order, please.

Is this a real person
I'm talking to?

I am a new beta version

of an automated voice system
called Cray-bot.

My name is John.

Yes, I'd like to cancel my
web-builder package, please.

Your credit card
has been charged

- $125.60.
- No!

As I just said,
I'd like to cancel that order.

Your credit card has been
charged $125.60.

[chuckles]

That man is
a goddamn genius.

[teacher] Hey, everyone,
guess who's here?

Mr. G's back,
and he's going to play

some really fun music
for you all.

[kids laughing]

Two volunteers,
I guess.

- Okay, you heard Mr. G. Two volunteers.
- [sighs]

Great. You guys
are doing great.

All right. Great job.
Here you go.

[little girl giggling]

[giggling]

♪♪

Hey, Mr. G,
you all right?

♪♪

[cooing]

It's weird.

He's here every day,
but he ain't no character.

Just like some sort of robot,
talking all monotone and shit.

- It's bad.
- [Sara sighs]

I really messed up,
I'm going to go talk to him.

Hey, Godfrey.

I know you're mad at me,
and I don't blame you,

but I'm really
worried about you.

[sighs]

Do you need anything?

[robotic] I have to go.

Well, do you want
to, like, DJ tonight or...

I mean, Shad's back.

Me and him are going
to break out his new mixer.

DJ Meow-na Lisa in the house.
You know?

Look, I know what happened
to your sister,

and I'm so sorry.

Those fosters, they were
supposed to protect all of you.

You have
to forgive yourself.

[violin playing]

[phone ringing]

- [Kelly] Are you sitting down?
- No.

Doesn't matter,
because I am.

Guess what?
Axi loves the book. Yeah.

They want to get
together right away.

They want to talk
film rights.

I can't right now, Kelly.

What do you mean,
not now?

You are such a bummer
sometimes.

Meet me at Axi
tomorrow at 11:00.

You sell this movie,
the rest of them will follow,

I promise you.

- I got to go.
- What the hell, Sara?

♪♪

Fantastic stuff,
Sara, really.

So original, and-and oof!
Compelling.

So you guys might want
to buckle up here

because we're so excited.

We want to do
an initial run of...

[imitates drumroll]

One hundred thousand copies.

[Kelly screeches]

And we're going to up
your advance to $350,000.

[quiet screaming]

Dollars.

That's dollars.
Fuck, yeah!

[laughing]
Also,

multiple studios are already
calling on the film rights.

You're going to make some
serious cash money on this.

Fuck, yeah!

That is what gets me hard
in the fucking morning!

Whoo! Boners!
Everyone has boners.

Oh, my God! I represent
so many shitty writers.

- Yeah! Whoo!
- I needed this win!

Oh, I'm so unhappy
in my marriage.

This is the only
thing I am living for.

Aren't you fucking pumped?!
Aren't you excited?!

- She's excited.
- I, uh...

- She is, we are...
- It's truly...

- truly needing more money.
- ...unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

You guys, if that got
your cocks racing,

get your seatbelts,
clickity-clack them back in,

because guess what?

We've mocked up
some covers to show you.

If you look on the...
Where are they?

You've got one job.
[forced laugh]

One thing that you do.
There it is. Wow.

Slowly but surely.

We've even come up
with some alternative titles.

Check it out.
Okay, we're going real retro kitschy.

- [phone ringing]
- I'm sorry. That's...

- Oh, she took it. She took the phone call.
- Hello?

- Regarding other...
- Shad? I'm sorry. I can't right now.

Let's stay focused here,
and blonde to blonde.

- What's going on?
- What type of contingencies

- are we looking at?
- Okay.

I have to go. I have to go.
I have to go.

Where did she go?
Is she still behind me?

My friend's in trouble.
I'm sorry.

Excuse me?

- Do you think she's coming back?
- I-I don't know.

- Okay. I don't...
- Okay. Oh.

[bell ringing]

[Kelly] Because we are not
negotiating right now.

I will call you
when she is ready.

Okay.

- Thank you for being here.
- Of course.

Why is everyone so tiny
in this office building?

There he is.

- Hey, Shad.
- Thanks for coming.

You know, shit's just getting
way over my head.

- Who's she?
- Oh, that's my friend, Kelly.

All right.

So I'm afraid we're
in kind of a bind here.

So what's the issue?

[sighs] Some parents
noticed

some odd things
about Mr. G.

Many of them are wondering
if he might be schizophrenic.

He's not schizophrenic,
and I will tell you why.

One, he does not suffer
from visual hallucinations.

Two, he does not suffer
from auditory hallucinations

and three, he does not exhibit
signs of delusional behavior,

so there's that.

- Is she a doctor?
- She repped Dr. Phil.

Look, what do I tell
a concerned parent

who said that she saw him
performing as a cowboy on the street

and then, less than an hour
later, dressed as a matador?

What, he can't
perform now?

If a person is found
mentally unstable,

obviously they're not going
to be allowed to work

with any children
in Washington State.

No, no. Godfrey
is not mentally unstable.

He is a man dealing with
grief in a profound way.

He doesn't need
a psych evaluation.

He needs support,

and time to process
what he's going through.

Look...

I appreciate everything
that has been said here today.

But if Mr. G doesn't grade out
with his evaluations next week,

he's done here.

♪♪

[sighs]

[Sara] Hey, y'all!
My name is Cowgirl Cassie.

Now I'm not really
a performer,

but today I decided to sing
some songs for y'all

and for a friend
I'm hoping to see.

[singing "Achy-Breaky Heart"]

["Achy-Breaky Heart" continues]

Hey there, young man.

Why don't you come on up here
and join me on the stage?

Help me sing this song.
Come on now. Don't be shy!

Come on up here.
I see you. Come on.

Get on up here!

Where you belong.
That's right.

Oop, what's that?
That's for you.

[Sara singing
"Achy Breaky Heart"]

[joins in singing]

[both continue singing]

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Cowboy Cody, everybody!
Give him a round of applause.

[cheering and whooping]

Thank you.

Well, you got a smile
on your face.

- That's a good thing.
- You think so?

Hell, I know so.

So, we friends again?

You got retty good for someone who
doesn't perform there, young lady.

- Maybe we should make a duo.
- [Sara giggles]

Yeah, like Faith Hill
and Tim McGraw.

You could be Faith.

So if we're going
to be a duo,

then we're friends
now, right?

'Cause friends are there
for each other.

And... I want to help you.

Like you helped me.

And I know I haven't met
the real you yet...

but the truth is,
I'm the one that's the phony.

I wrote books
I don't care about.

I was in a five-year
relationship

that I only pretended
was great.

I... [stammers]

I've been a phony...
to friends,

to everyone in my life.

I'm sorry I wasn't honest
with you about the book,

but I learned so much about
you and myself writing it.

It changed me.

Look... you're going to
lose your gig at the school.

If you don't show them
the real you...

they're going to cut
you from the program.

But the school
is willing to work with you

if you can pull it
together.

They have counselors there
to help you through this,

and I could help you.

You just have
to be yourself.

So what do you say?

Let's start over.

For real this time.

[music playing throughout]

Hi. I'm Sara.

Okay.

Well, then I guess
that's goodbye.

[breathing hard]

Wait, Sara?

Don't leave.

It's me.

Godfrey.

I know who I am
when I'm with you.

♪♪

[sighs]

[exhales sharply]

♪♪

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