Original subtitles

Okay, I’ll fire her up.

I see you downloaded the new maps. Cool. You got any weed?

- What... what are you doing? - Don’t you have another controller?

No, I meant what are you doing here?

Oh, I got a cousin’s wedding in Germany.

Worked out cheaper

if I stay here a couple of nights in London.

You know, didn’t think you would, uh...

Oh, shit!

Dude! It was from here, wasn’t it? Holy mother of...

Shh! Keep your voice down.

What, is Becca sleeping?

Not any more.

Oh... Hello, darling.

Yeah, babe, do you remember Will_5000?

You know, that guy I play online with? Well, he’s come to stay for a few nights.

That’s funny. You think I’d remember one of your friends who I’ve never met

planning to arrive at my flat in the middle of the night.

Sorry. I kind of, um, sprung it on Daniel. Yeah.

Right.

Okay.

Welcome to our home.

Thank you, Becca.

And again, sorry. I know it’s kinda late.

No, no... it’s... it’s fine, um...

Why didn’t you tell me?

Oh, look, he just turned up, okay? I didn’t know he was coming.

What’s wrong with his face?

I don’t know.

It’s the first time I’ve ever met him.

Oh, he’s not gonna need all this.

It’s not just for him.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

You never told me about the, er...

- The mask? - Mmm.

Everyone wants to know about the mask.

It's the cheapest one I could get.

I’m saving up for surgery.

So... what... what happened?

I was eight years old.

Mom had been ironing in our trailer.

She left the iron on.

I was standing on a stool, reaching for the cookie jar.

The stool gives way.

I come down, bring the ironing board down with me and...

Fuck!

- I’m sorry, man. That’s... - Well...

At least it didn’t land on my dick.

Right?

Fuck you, asshole!

Ooh, can we just...? Let’s just keep it quiet.

You saw that, right?

I mean, I emptied a full fucking clip into this guy, he doesn’t go down.

I mean, in what world?

Do you know what? I’m gonna try and get some sleep.

Totally.

I am so fucking jetlagged right now,

I’m not gonna be able to sleep for hours, you know.

You motherfucker! Suck my dick! Suck it!

I wasn’t sure at first,

but I think that new haircut takes years off you.

Oh, thank you.

And also, I’d like to officially thank you

for agreeing to share our...

our martial bed once again.

And now...

No, no, no, no, Iain. I’m not quite ready for that, no.

- Please! - No, Iain. Soon, darling.

Sorry. Make way!

- Iain! - I’m sorry.

07700 900843. Dr. Iain Glennis speaking.

Iain, it’s Sherry.

Oh, hello, Sherry.

How would you and Mrs. G like to join me and Mrs. S at the club?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I’d like that very much.

Well, great. See you there at midday.

Yes. Goodbye.

- Sherry? - Yes, short for Sherringford.

Sherringford?

Yes. Sherringford Samson.

He’s just invited me

and the most beautiful woman in the world

to spend the afternoon with him in his rather exclusive

country club.

Oh, Iain!

- Oh! - Oh.

I’m just going to pick out my outfit.

We have to clean the whole flat?

Yes. I want it to look nice for Vanessa.

Why would she come in the bedroom?

- I’ll get it! - Thanks, Will!

Because, you know...

I’m really sorry.

Please, Vanessa, stop apologizing. I’m used to it.

Okay.

How are you feeling, Daniel?

- You know, not too bad. - Why, what’s wrong?

I’m sure... I’m sure I told you about my...

illness.

Oh, right!

God!

And how are you, Vanessa?

I’m okay.

I lost my husband recently.

Mmm. Ash, right?

Daniel’s other best friend. He sounded like a cool dude.

He was.

I’m just starting to think...

how well did I really know you, Ash?

I found condoms in his wallet.

We hadn’t used condoms for ages.

Well, maybe they were old ones.

I still don’t know where his car is.

And now this thing with his phone.

I can’t get into it. His code was always 2019.

- Yeah. - The same as yours.

- Yeah, it was always that. - The year Blade Runner’s set. Very cool.

But since I got it back from the hospital, that code doesn’t work.

Oh, well, you know.

Maybe it caught a virus from being at the hospital.

- That’s not funny, Daniel. - That is not cool, bro.

Is there a way of getting into a phone without knowing the code?

Well, even the FBI can’t hack those things, Vanessa.

Anyway, I have got some excellent carob bars.

Yeah! They’re zero calories and taste amazing.

Please, Dad.

It’s a lovely day. Your mother wouldn’t be very happy

if I took you to a dark cinema, would she?

- But it’s a classic! - Maybe if it was The Hunger Games,

but not Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

You’re 11.

Put that in the dishwasher.

Hello?

Okay. Well, I’ll get there as soon as I can.

Um... We’re going to have to take a trip into work.

But it’s Sunday.

Well, I’m sorry, young lady, but the alarm has gone off.

Oh, so I’m not allowed to see an acclaimed horror film,

but I am allowed to be a security guard for a health insurance firm?

Can you just...

...grow up?

I wish we had a nicer car.

What? This is an Audi, my darling.

Yes, and it’s bashed to pieces.

Accidents can’t be helped, can they?

Yes, they can. You just need to take more care, darling.

I... I told you. I was swerving to avoid a squirrel.

So, where is Ash buried?

He was cremated.

I, um... I haven’t scattered the ashes yet. I just... I’ve not felt ready.

I get that.

So where did you guys meet?

Funny enough, right here, in the garden.

Daniel and Becca’s barbecue, three years ago.

Down here?

Uh... yes.

It was a summer evening.

He was wearing his Indiana Jones T-shirt.

Raiders?

Uh... I guess.

Vanessa, you should totally scatter his ashes in the garden.

Oh, Will!

You heard what she said. She’s... she's not ready.

No, he’s right. I should.

Do it today!

Oh, it’s a bit... Let’s not rush her.

Could we do it today?

No. I think you need to get permission from the council before you...

scatter ashes in a...

For God’s sake, Daniel!

Look, of course we can.

I’ll drive you back and we can get the urn.

Okay.

He is dead.

- Jesus! - Hey.

You scared the shit out of me. Why did you suggest that to Vanessa?

Sorry. I was just trying to be nice.

Well, we’re gonna be scattering his ashes where he landed.

Shit!

I didn’t think. Forgive me.

Just... think in future.

Will do.

So, what are you doing here? Checking there’s no sign of him?

I’m just... just seeing

- if I’ve missed anything. - Hmm.

Like, did you ever notice that?

Oh, fuck!

If there’s any footage, I’ll need to delete it before he sees it.

I’ll create a diversion. So, what’s he like?

A bit weird.

Sometimes I see him going through our bins.

Plus there’s...

Cameras.

Maybe he’s not in.

Hello! Anybody home?

- We’re not Jehovah’s Witnesses! - Will!

See?

What do you want?

Hi.

Sorry, I’ve completely forgotten your name.

It’s Paul.

Paul, yeah.

Um, my drainpipe at the back of ours has come loose

and it looks like someone might’ve tried to break in.

Mmm. And maybe he fell into the garden.

You have a security camera pointing at our wall

and I just thought you might have some footage of what happened.

I might.

Right. Is there...?

- Can we come in and... - What’s wrong with your face?

- I was eight years old. - Mmm?

Mom had been ironing in our trailer. She left the iron on.

I was standing on a stool, reaching for the cookie jar.

The stool gave way, took the ironing board down with me and...

And... what?

And... the iron fell on my face.

Oh, right.

As long as you’re not some kind of masked burglar

Wait here.

I’m going to get changed.

Can you... can you just stop saying things?

What?

He might’ve fallen in the garden!

Yeah, but that is what the footage is gonna show, right?

On what day do you think it happened?

Let me think...

- Could we try May the 16th? - Mm-hm.

About 1:45 pm?

Is that an Xbox One?

Yes!

If you’re a serious gamer, you should really consider getting the PS4.

The Xbox One is a superior machine.

For pure gaming, it’s not, and their network is a turd.

Has PlayStation got backwards compatibility?

No, because we don’t live in the past.

You’re just a PlayStation fanboy.

And you’re just a Microsoft pussy with a Microsoft dick.

- Right, get out! - Let’s not overreact...

No, you too. Out.

But we haven’t looked at the footage yet.

No, and you and Boardwalk Empire here never will.

- Apologize, Will. - No fucking way!

Get out! I’m calling the police on you.

Out! Move! Thank you.

Oh, the owners are here to greet us.

I think they're the staff, Iain.

Really? Okay.

Darling, I do wish you’d worn your matching trousers.

I know, but moths had eaten the gusset, darling.

- Iain. - Ah, Sherry.

Hello.

And your fragrant wife.

Yes. This is Annette.

- Hello... Sherry. - Hello.

Come and meet Mrs. S. And the Frobishers are here and the-

Excuse me, Mr. Samson.

You’ve trodden in something.

No, I don’t think I have.

Oh, bedknobs and broomsticks!

- Make your excuses and go and clean them. - Yes, I’m sorry.

I’ll go and find a hose.

Oh, what?

- 07700 800... - It’s me.

Okay, you need to get here right now.

I can’t, Daniel. I’m at a function.

There's footage of what happened in the garden!

My neighbor has a security camera pointed right where it happened.

Have you been arrested?

No, but if he sees it then we both will.

What am I supposed to do?

Right. I need you to go round there

and you need to steal the hard drive.

How? Using my invisibility cloak?

There must be something you can do.

Ugh!

It's always left to bloomin' muggins!

I think Ash was having an affair.

Ash? An affair? Don’t be so silly.

Oh, I think, um...

Huh? Oh.

Well, he certainly takes after his dad.

Don’t you, Mr. Stinky Winky?

I miss you so much.

I just want a little bit of you to keep.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Hey.

- You okay? - Yes.

Yeah.

Got Ash.

- Oh, hello. - Who are you?

I’m from the council, sir. Just here spraying for pests.

- What kind of pests? - You never know, sir.

There's a big increase in...

in woodlice there.

- Can I come in, sir? May I? - Yes.

Thanks a million.

Stay close.

Oh, right, yeah. Okay, good.

Now... don’t be scared, okay?

- I’m not. - Well, good.

What if someone broke in?

You said animal rights protestors hate Mr. West.

No one’s broken in.

Okay, hide.

Get down!

- Linda! - Michael, what are you doing?

We thought you were an animal rights protestor.

Oh, right. And who are you?

Well, my wife’s away, so I had to bring Beth with me.

Well, nice to meet you.

Are you his mistress?

No! This is my daughter.

- Oh, right. - What are you doing here?

Well, Mr. West asked me to come and meet him here

to show him my latest invention, the office bracelet.

Mr. West wouldn’t call a meeting on a Sunday.

Oh, he was very insistent, and he told me to wear my yellow dress.

Okay, well, let’s go and sort these lights out before Mr. West gets here.

Mr. West is trying to have sex with her, isn’t he?

I don’t know what that means.

This is where we met

and where he proposed to me.

And now it’s where he’ll stay forever.

Goodbye, Ash.

Oh, God!

Why... why is he like that?

Well, the lid mustn’t have shut properly. I guess condensation?

But he...

Well, he can’t just sit there on the lawn, looking like a...

- Turd. - Will!

I think it’s gonna rain later.

You know, that will, um, help to...

evenly

distribute... him.

Oh, God!

How do you evenly distribute a turd?

You said you’d get that fixed.

Oh, yeah. No, I called someone,

but they said they couldn’t get it done for a couple of weeks.

Well, somebody’s tried to break in.

No, it’s squirrels. I told you.

Becca, even if you wanna find out if someone’s broken in,

he won’t show you the footage.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, what footage?

- He’s just... - The camera up there

would’ve filmed everything,

- but there’s no use going next door. - Why?

Because we already asked. He said he wouldn’t show us,

stupid fucking Xbox fanboy.

- Yeah, well, I’m going round right now. - Wait!

Do you know what, I think he said he was going on holiday. He’s not gonna be in.

Sorry, sir. Could I have a glass of water, sir?

Oh, couldn’t have it from the tap, could I?

I don’t like the flavor of the bottles.

Smells like dog shit in here.

You’re not welcome in here.

Okay, you heard him. Let’s go, Becca.

You have a camera pointed at my property.

Do you want me to have you arrested as a peeping tom?

I'm not a peeping tom! I'm keeping the neighborhood safe.

- Then show us the footage. - Fine.

But your mate Phantom of the Opera was very insulting.

- Yeah, sorry about him. - Whoa!

Council, spraying for bugs.

- They not been to yours? - No.

I’ll be round to yours after here, madam.

I know. Why don’t you go back and look after Vanessa

and I’ll stay here and take care of this.

Can you just show us the footage, please?

I’ve already isolated the recording from the day in question.

Oh, yeah. That looks too grainy.

I think this has been a waste of time. I think we should... Let’s go, Becca.

It’s 720p HD with a two-megapixel camera.

It is not grainy.

Whizz it on a bit.

Right, yes.

Oh, Seamus, ye...

Ye ficking idiot, so!

I have to pop out to me van. I've forgotten something.

I don't fucking believe it!

You were right.

Squirrels.

See? Yeah, I told you.

Bloody pests.

- Thank Christ for that. - What do you mean?

Now we can’t claim on the insurance.

No, yeah, well, I meant, you know...

Thank Christ we weren’t targets of dangerous thieves.

So a squirrel blocked my lens

whilst its mate vandalized your drainpipe?

- Yeah. Yeah, that... - that makes sense to me.

You want me to

spread it around a bit with my shoe?

No.

Bit more.

Bit more. Thank you.

Hello.

Where have you been?

You’ve missed all Sherry’s stories about playing billiards with Alex Higgins.

Iain! Mrs. G told me about your little accident.

There’s a lot of deer in Barlow Lakes’ grounds.

Yes, my diagnosis is one of them has a...

a bad case of deer-o-rrhea.

Diarrhea.

Very good, yes.

I should look into getting you two membership here.

With Kenny West and me as sponsors,

you’ll be a...

a shoe-in!

- Finally. - There you go.

Nothing to be scared of. But, you know, if you can’t handle a dark office,

then I don’t think you can handle Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Kenny?

Kenny?

Kenny!

Kenny, no!

Mr. West committed suicide.

Nope.

That’s autoerotic asphyxiation.

Subtitles by explosiveskull