All language subtitles for Lapland.Odyssey.2010

In seventh grade, -

we had to make a presentation
of a local tourist attraction.

I made mine of a dead
standing pine in our village.

We jokingly call it
"the Swing Tree," -

since five generations of men
have hanged themselves from it.

Settler Ilmari Tuomi was the first.

He was lured to Lapland -

with free land and exemption
from taxes and military service.

He built a sauna, a house,
a barn and a storehouse.

Then frost killed his crops
three years in a row.

His wife died of whooping cough.
Mosquitos ate his youngest child.

His cows became dry
because it was so dark.

My great-great-grandfather
Toivo thought he was really smart -

selling moonshine to both Germans
and Russians during the war.

The drunken Russians
shot him in the leg.

The Germans burnt the village using
the moonshine as lighter fluid.

In the 60s, it was Jaakko Kivi, the
director of the employment agency.

He had lost his job
because there were no jobs.

Women left the village
in search of work, -

and the men found a partner...

... in the cold northern wind.

In 2003, I was already
successfully unemployed.

Finland had a 5-1 lead
against Sweden -

in the hockey
world championships.

Kalle Laamanen was watching
the game in the local bar.

His job had moved to China,
his missus to the south.

It's 5-1!

For a moment, Kalle thought
everything was going to be fine.

First Sweden scored two for 3-5.

Then they tied the game to 5-5.

Finland's 5-1 lead
has turned into 5-5.

Finland is in ruins at the moment...

0h well.

My teacher said-

it was the best presentation
I had ever made.

And the best I would ever do.

LAPLAND ODYSSEY

Janne.

Janne, wake up.
You'll go get it today, right?

Here's fifty euros.
That should be enough.

Titanic is on TV tonight.
We'll watch it together.

You hear me, wombat?

Don't lie in bed all day.
You have to get the digibox.

Hatunen's store closes at five.
You hear me?

Bye.

This is my best friend Janne.

He has a missus but no digibox.

You've got a hex key for this?

Where is it from?
- From the TV stand.

That won't hold your TV.
- Oh yeah?

It won't.
- Sure it will.

It won't.
- I bet you it will.

It won't!

And I didn't even hit hard.

But there are four of those.

Three.

You're right.
Three won't hold my TV.

These days TV stands are made of
chipboard. - It's a good TV stand.

You've got a peg like this?
- Yeah.

Wait. I'm almost there.

Tenth level.

I'm Sexy Sabine.
- Ja, ich komme.

Fuck. This is impossible.

You've got two euros?
- I don't have any change.

Could you break this for me?
- You have to buy something.

I'll have a beer.

The second-level girl
is such a hag.

What do you need the peg for?

I need to assemble
a TV stand for the digibox.

Hatunen!

Hatunen!

Sell me a digibox.
- Sure. On Monday.

I need one today.
- It's five past.

C'mon. We'll go hunting in the fall.

Huh?
- Damn.

I'll be late for sauna...

You want the cheapest model?
- Yeah.

It's 49.90.

How about a cash discount
for your old hunting buddy?

6.50 to be exact.

Hatunen, don't be a dick.

What?

Hatunen, you're a shitty shooter!

You've got Titanic?

She's in bed.
- At 7:30?

Get the booze!

Where have you been?

C'mon.

We'll go to Kapu's.

He'll download Titanic off the net.

We bought cider. - You bought
alcohol with my money!

I guess you could say that.
Know why?

You're obsessed with the digibox.

You would've bought
some piece of crap.

It's better to buy an HD digibox
with a recorder.

Janne. - If they pull
a cable to our house, -

the antenna digibox won't work.
- That's right.

Hatunen is expensive. No use buying
anything from that dickhead.

We bought an immersion blender
from him.

We never figured out
how the buttons work.

It wouldn't even
break the core of an apple.

It was a piece of crap.
- Told you.

I gave it to my aunt.
She's more of a homemaker.

My pants...
- Out!

It's cold outside.

We'll wait for you.

I didn't ask you
to clean or do the dishes.

I wanted you to buy us a digibox.

You had the whole day.
- I looked for a bargain, you see.

Oh, I see you cleaned.
- That's right.

I cooked and lit candles.

I thought we'd celebrate.
And then you...

What am I going to do with you?

We'll stay home then.

I just thought
you wanted to see Titanic.

No.

Okay.
- No. You'll go get the digibox.

You've talked about it
for three years.

On a Friday night?
- You can call my dad.

I'm not calling him.

Where do I get the money?
- That's not my problem.

You'll bring me a digibox
by tomorrow morning, -

or it's over.
- What?

What? - By nine o'clock
or I'm moving into Tiinu's.

All this fuss over a digibox.

Nine o'clock.
I'll have my stuff ready.

No use getting worked up.
I'll get you a digibox.

Fine, I'll go find you a digibox
on a Friday night.

Then you can stop nagging -

and watch Titanic
whenever you want.

I'll go get it. I'll go.

I'll go.

Then go!

My car stays here.

Hi.
- Hi.

Can I borrow your digibox?
I promised I'd get one for Inari.

Is she mad at you? - I'll give it
back when she's calmed down.

It's none of my business, -

but are you sure
Inari wanted you to borrow one?

You think I'm going to tell her?

How are you
going to take it back?

I'll tell her it broke.

There's a sticker here.
She'll notice.

Can't you take it off?
- No.

Hi.
- Hi, Kapu. I'll make sandwiches.

What's going on?
- Janne is borrowing the digibox.

I see. A man of principle.

I'll go get turpentine.
- That's okay.

Turpentine will do the job.

That's okay.

Rovaniemi Electronics
Lights and Home Appliances.

What's up with my father-in-law?

Not much.

You're at the store?
- I'm closing.

Right. I was thinking...
of buying a digibox from you.

Oh, it's not a useless thing
anymore?

Well, I've got some extra money.

It's for our ninth anniversary.

She's put up with you
for nine years?

Yeah.

How much "extra money"
do you have?

There are a couple of variables...

I've made a couple of
good deals. - What deals?

Sorry, my battery is running out.
See you in a couple of hours.

Who wants to come with me
to Rovaniemi?

You don't have any money.
- We'll make some.

"We'll make some"?
- I have a couple of ideas.

It's Christmas party season.
People are out partying.

Who's going to drive?
It's 200 kilometers.

Räihä?

TIT-5

Did you ask your mother?
- I don't dare.

Great.

I was just thinking whether
I should get a new subwoofer -

or fix the gas light.

Oh, brilliant.
- Great.

But the bass is a dream, isn't it?

This is just the perfect spot.

Never a dull moment
with you guys.

I'll call Inari and ask her
to bring gas on her way.

It sometimes gets jammed.

I'll go borrow gas
from Little Mickey.

He's building a house here.
- From that midget? Inari's ex?

Their relationship was...
- I'm sure he'll be happy to.

We're on good terms.
- Oh really?

Let's go then.

He must be in bed. I'll siphon gas
from his car and text him.

No need to wake him up.

I see a light inside.
- What?

It's a night light.
- No, it's the TV.

It's a blue night light.

That's the TV. It's flickering.

A night light can flicker too.
- That's right.

You don't know
because you don't have a TV.

Oh, you're up.

We ran out of gas,
so we came to borrow some.

I was going to leave money
in your mailbox.

What's up? I hear
your safari business is booming.

Nice house.

I've always said
Little Mickey will...

Mickey will do well in life.
- That's right.

We were just leaving...
- Come in.

No need to take your shoes off.
I have a cleaner.

Care for a shot of whiskey?

I just brought some pretty decent
single malts from Ireland.

Yeah, it's good with the EU...
- What?

Nothing.

You've got two digiboxes!

The older one didn't have
an HDMI connector.

Janne's missus is upset -

because he hasn't got her
a digibox.

I wouldn't say "upset."

Inari wants a digibox?
- Go figure what women want...

Must be PMS.

You're too busy with your
phone business to get her one?

I've been waiting
for the prices to come down.

So what about the gas?

The basic models are not
that pricey. - Yup...

Of course,
if you're tight with money...

I want the new model
from Handan.

A test winner. Should be
on the market any day now.

You can have my old one.

I don't need it.
- Go ahead. Take it.

Tell Inari I said hi.

She's one hot mama.

I don't need it.
- It's a great machine.

It doesn't have
an HDMI connector.

You got an HDTV?
- I need one with time shift.

That has time shift. Two tuners.

I don't want a used one.
- It's four weeks old.

I have the receipt
and the original package.

It's wrong color. - The price
is just right for you. It's free.

C'mon. Take it.

Test it at home. I'll come
and get it if you don't like it.

I already know
what model I want. Get it?

He attacked me.
- Did you get hurt?

No, no, not at all.

Can I have a glass of water?
- Sure.

A little bit of Ninjutsu.

Is the digibox really
that important?- Yes.

It's evil to boss a poor man
like this.

It's not my fault there are no jobs.

Did you go to unemployment
counseling and apply for that job?

What about the school in Oulu?
- They won't accept me there.

Accept you where?
- Anywhere.

I'm tired of that attitude.

The bankruptcy was
five years ago.

You can whine in bed
to yourself.

Are you a living Finnish artist?

Are you still unemployed?

I could use someone
who speaks languages.

I'm too busy with my hobbies.
- Mom, I don't know artists!

Call me if you get bored.

I'll drink myself to death
before I get that bored.

I see.

Save your pity for Janne.

Inari's already packing her bags.

We're on our way to Rovaniemi
to buy her a digibox.

It would be nice to have some gas.
- I'm not familiar with modernists!

Mom, I can't think of anyone else.

The gas...
- Sorry about the little incident.

It was just my reflexes.
- That's okay.

Drive safely.

That wasn't so difficult, was it?

I heard you need a mover.

Mickey, dammit.

Need a ride?

Need a ride?

Cheap rides.

Need a ride to the other club?

A ride to the other side
of the mountain? A cheap ride.

Thank you,
Marjukka and Petronella.

A soda and a mineral water, please.
- A brandy. Now we start boozing.

Isn't that the girl
from the tenth level?

Is that really her?
- Looks good for her age.

Go ask for an autograph.
- I can't.

That's right. Women are not
that interesting in real life.

On credit.

No one's even looked
at me tonight.

Except the guy
with the toilet brush mustache.

I look fat.
- No, you don't.

Excuse me,
can I get your autograph?

I think you got the wrong person.

I guess the red hair
in the photo is not your real hair.

You know the helmet-looking bob.

I've played that game a lot, -

so I was thinking if you could...
- What game?

I'm sorry. I thought you were
someone else. Have a nice night.

Wait.
What game are you talking about?

It's one of those coin slot
games you can play in bars.

I've only seen
the upper part of your breast.

You're the final antagonist
in the game.

Oh my God. That was in Berlin...
I was so broke.

Do I look horrible in the photo?
I hope it's not the raunchy ones...

What raunchy ones?
- Now I'm blushing.

How did you recognize me?
That was a hundred years ago...

Could you write
"To Tapio with love"?

Going back to your hotel?
I'll give you a ride for 20 euros.

Fucking amateur!

The pump isn't working.
- It must be out of order.

We were told
we could go ice swimming.

I can't turn into a pump.
- But we've already paid for it.

We've paid for it.
- Go roll in the snow.

Can't someone
make the hole in the ice?

I'll call the porter.

Oh fuck, I'm the only one here!
- Isn't there anybody else?

We'll pay!

Follow me.

SIRENS

Hello!

Fixed it!

Hi! You want to dance?

Dance?
- Yeah.

Sure. We'll dance and talk.

We'll go to your place.
I'll call you the next day.

We'll fall in love
and become a couple.

The first year is wonderful.
The second one is so-so.

We'll procreate
because your clock is ticking.

I'll work a double shift
at the factory -

so that we can buy a house.

You'll be up with the baby.

We'll grow apart.
They'll move the factory to Brazil.

The bank will sell
the house for nothing.

I'll start drinking.

You'll leave because you can't stand
the drinking. I'll hang myself.

Fine, don't dance.
- C'mon. This is a good song.

That's 50 euros.
- Oh, your shirt is all wet.

That's life. - You didn't
hurt yourself, did you?

Bending your back like that.

I'm sorry but I have to get going.

There's a massaging shower
over there.

Who are you anyway?
- We're an underwater rugby team.

From Sweden.
- An exciting game.

You need good lungs.
- Look at these muscles.

KAPU CALLING

Where are you?
- In the hot tub.

I got 50 euros
for making a hole in the ice.

What are you doing?
- Sauna?

I mean, I didn't finish it yet.

There are a couple of variables
here. I'll call you.

You want to?

I need to get this one thing done.

That's my daughter. She's five.

She's at her dad's.
We divorced a year ago.

You must be like,
"A single mom. What a catch."

Now I sound like you want...
I mean, I want...

I must have terrible body odor.

You think it's hot in here?
- Yeah.

I mean you smell really good.

I wanted to say that... I like kids.

Your daughter is beautiful.

She takes after her mother.

I'm a bit tired.

I'm sorry.

What?
- This is a difficult one.

A hint:
I'm a Finnish cartoon character.

I don't really have time.

Why not?
- Because.

You've got a woman there?
- Not exactly...

That's great.

I'll call you later.

Show me what she looks like.
- No.

But that's why
I bought you the phone.

I'm sorry.

She's a bit old.
- I'll call you later.

I don't want you to put yourself
into a tight spot, -

sexually.

Forty-something women
know what they want.

They want something bigger.

I just don't want you
to embarrass yourself.

Hello?

Sorry.
I've got to go to the bathroom.

Are you sure you want to leave?
- Sure is not the right word.

I know I'm ugly.
- What?

C'mon. You're not.

Killer lesbians!
- The blond one wasn't.

They were killer lesbians!
Am I the trip leader now?

Hi!

Let's split. He'll join us later.

Who's going to pay for that?

Thanks.

So you were just joking.

I'll give him another month.

If he could get his act together
and bring me the digibox.

That'll take some time.
- What do you mean?

I wasn't going to say anything -

because Janne is a good person
and a great guy.

But they were totally wasted
when I saw them.

They could hardly get in the car.

I don't want
to tell you what to do, -

but sometimes you have to make
difficult choices alone.

If you want,
you can stay at my place.

You can have one floor
to yourself.

Isn't this enough
of this madness?

These will dry, don't worry.

Oh, brilliant.

I've got alcohol in my blood. Hold
the wheel! - "Hold the wheel"?

Räihä, get behind the wheel.
- Don't. Stop!

No, I won't.
- Stop!

Get behind the wheel!
- Stay where you are!

Get in the front!

Speeding, DUI...
- Quick!

...endangering traffic safety,
refusing to pull over...

It's impossible to install
rally seat belts in the back...

Good evening.
- Good evening.

He ran in that direction.

We don't know him.
We just asked him to drive us.

We're having a bachelor party.

Our driver got lucky,
and we needed a driver.

Tapio is getting married tomorrow.

I'm really proud of you, Tapio.
I'm his best man.

I coordinate everything.

I just wanted to let you know -

that one of your rear lights is out.

Right. - That's so much bull that
you'll take a Breathalyzer test.

It's not over the limit,
but it's best you take a taxi.

You'll get the car keys
in the morning.

Vierelä,
don't even think about driving.

Until next time, boys.

Well done.

Räihä, call your mom
to come get us.

What am I doing here?

I got my phone washed.

Well, it was a shitty old phone.

Turn here. I'm sure the cops
are just around the corner.

This is crazy.

Turn, dammit!
- You're fucking crazy. Stop.

Turn!

Stop, for fuck's sake!

This is some weather.
Blizzards, rain and fog.

I wonder
what the man upstairs is up to.

I think the booze will go
to my head faster this way.

Or should I say
it'll go down to my head.

I just painted the car...

What?
- I had a bit of a force majeure.

What a surprise.
- So you're leaving?

Why now? - Because you can't
take care of one simple thing...

This isn't that simple.
- Was there something else?

You've got someone else.
- No, I don't.

You've got someone else, and you're
trying to blame me for the breakup.

I'm pregnant.

You consider yourself
father material?

Here are your quick draw prizes.

At least you got
trendy seat covers.

Hope they heal your wounds.

Women are like street cars.
There will always be another one.

How many street cars
have you seen here?

Three beers on credit.

Things will turn out good
in the end.

Look who's sitting over there.

The jerk-offs from Kittilä.

I figured you were here -

since the music on the jukebox
is so shitty.

What are you pointing
at us for, hippie?

Cut down
on the windshield wiper fluid.

I see you've come out
of the closet. Nice outfits.

Let's see how long
you'll be smiling outside.

Fucking jerk-offs.

You're jerk-offs.
- Don't you ever learn?

What happened to your tooth?

Problems with short-term
memory? Want a rerun?

Speak Finnish.
- That's right.

They don't teach English
in your kindergarten.

Faggot!

Leave your beers inside.

Don't tear my ear off!

Don't twist me!

Janne, where are you going?

You'll miss a good match!

I'll take you myself.

Jerk-offs!

You move like my grandma!

Eat shit, you cripple!

Are you running away?
- You limp-dick Neanderthals!

A beer.

The asshole left his beer here.

Order me a soda.

Perkele!

Fucking genius.

Are you alright? - Yes.
There's a hole underneath.

Inari's pregnant.

We need a tractor here.

Russians.

Good idea. Let's stay here.
- Someone might be hurt.

Don't! I'm sure they've
already dug a grave for us.

Right.

You've at least seen
how it's done.

That's why I'm a vegetarian.

You're on your own now.

I think we should just go.

Looks damn good.

What do I do?
- He's suffering. Kill it!

How?
- Stab it!

Speaking of women, -

you think it was stupid
to leave that girl at the hotel?

I thought so.

We'll speak Finnish then.

Finland. Perkele.

My old man was
in forest business, too.

He worked at the paper mill.

He hanged himself when
they moved the factory to Brazil.

That's right.

But I understand. They make
a 15-percent profit there.

Here they only make 12 percent.

Hanging yourself is not that easy.
The rope has to be long enough, -

so that you break your neck.

Otherwise
you just choke real slow -

and might change your mind.

But you don't ejaculate.
That's just a legend.

There's just piss and shit
when we're freed at last.

But that's nothing.

We're all different.

To a shitty world!
- To a shitty world!

What? - You've got
the TV program guide there?

There might be something
interesting on in the morning.

Sergei?

We could watch it together.
Around seven o'clock.

Sergei?

A recordable digibox.

You won't find one like that
at Hatunen's store.

Janne, I'm leaving.

Pyotr!

Shit!

Run!

Don't!

Don't shoot!

Kapu! Here!

What's wrong with it?

Oh, brilliant.

Perkele!

Perkele!
What did I do to deserve this?

Cordless phones were great, -

but is it my fault some idiot
invented cell phones?

And that some asshole decided
to stop analogue TV broadcasts!

Do they want me to kill myself?

Why is everyone against me?
- Oh, brilliant.

The spark plug must be wet.
I don't smell gas.

... strong winds of 21 meters
per second.

The storm should pass
within three hours...

Let's go, says J. Lo.

Shouldn't we wait and see
how the weather changes?

It doesn't look that bad.

Janne doesn't even have a hat.

And I'm sure he's lost his gloves.
He's like that.

You don't necessarily
need a hat in this weather.

This is a nice trip!
- Try to start it!

It's a piece of crap!

We'll die here.

We'll keep each other warm.

No network coverage.
- Dig!

Try.

An empty bed next to me

Reminds me of what used to be

You're gone and I don't think

You're coming back

You shared your bed
with someone new

And started over again

Even though you knew
it would hurt me so...

My toes are numb. - We'll take
you to the hospital in Rovaniemi.

Why are we going to Rovaniemi?
You just said Inari left.

I'll get the digibox anyway.

You can get off here if you like.

Thanks for letting us choose.

I think I'll get off here.

I've got unfinished
business at the hotel.

Räihänen, beware of tight spots.

You shared the bed
with someone new

And started over again

Even though you knew
it would hurt me so

And break my heart

What's left for me
now that you're gone?

I don't know how to carry on...

The hospital is that way.
- You drive.

There are
a couple of variables here.

You should go
on The Apprentice... You'd win.

The bars are closing.

There's going to be
a lot of traffic here.

I'm sure Jesus will pull up -

and reward you
for your hard work.

Hurry up or your toes will fall off.

Get in the fucking car.

This is not India.

This is Rovaniemi. It's -15 Celsius.

It's gotta be five AM.

If this doesn't work,
I'll come up with something else.

Fine. Whatever.

Yup... You idiot.

Never crossed your mind
they might have traffic detectors?

What? - I can't sleep because
I don't know where you are.

Come home, please.
- Mom, you don't understand.

I want romance.

Good evening.

I'm here to see
my sister Marjukka, -

but I don't have
her room number.

What's her last name?
- I can't remember.

She just remarried.

I can't wake people up
just like that.

You have several Marjukkas here?
- Nobody's expecting visitors.

Could you call her?

I'm sure you have
your sister's number.

Her phone is switched off.

Listen. It's been a long day.

I'm asking you to leave.

I can call the police, if you like.

Good evening!

I see.
- I'll just wash your window.

You don't have to pay.
- I've had a long day, so...

Great.
It's all over the backseat. Nice.

Sorry. It caught me by surprise.
- That's okay.

The cleaning will cost 150 euros,
loss of working time 140 euros.

The cleaning company travel costs
30 euros. 320 euros in total.

If you hit the air conditioner,
it'll cost more. - What?

The cleaning will cost 150 euros,
loss of working time 140 euros.

The cleaning company
travel costs 30 euros...

How much was that?
- 320 euros.

You know what time it is?
- Sure thing, it's 6:30 AM.

It's pretty late to go shopping.
- What can I get with this?

That one.

Does it have a recorder?
- Yes.

Does it have a good time shift?
- Yes.

Is the guide good?
Is it a test winner? - Yes.

Wrap it up.
- You got it.

You fucking got it!

Alright.

I wonder if this is mine or his.

We bought it from the concert.

It was a shitty gig.

And Janne got up on stage.

It was embarrassing.

He can keep it.

Do you mind
if I stay here a little longer?

I promised I'd wait
till the morning.

The stuff is in the car,
so we can call tomorrow.

Is there a misunderstanding here?

That we would start dating.

Are you saying you've forgotten?

Forgotten what?
- What we had.

Well...

It's possible I've forgotten.

I was fifteen.
- Sixteen.

You must be tired.
- Cutie pie.

It was sweet of you to help,
but that's it.

I'm crazy about you.
You make me hard.

Feel it.
- C'mon. I don't like this at all.

Look.
- Oh God.

Perfect. Drive safely.

Are you sure?
- Yes!

Okay.

Good night then.

No hard feelings.

I'll go. Bye!

At least you have a digibox.

Inari might have taken the TV.

We'll go and get you a TV
tomorrow. - From the city.

Inari.

What the fuck?
What are you doing here?

Get out! Go home!

What's wrong with you?
Have you lost your mind?

The roads must be
plowed already.

What's wrong with you men?

Well, there's something wrong -

when you find a naked guy
in your matrimonial bed.

Did you bring the digibox?

There were a couple of variables.

I can explain.

Where have you been again?

I was thinking of building
a play corner for the baby.

Next to the TV stand?
- Yup.

Translated by Aretta Vähälä

Proofread and song lyrics
by Rich Lyons