All language subtitles for Call.Your.Mother.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[ Thudding, rattling ]

Whoo! It's the big one!

Oh, my God!
It's happening!

Yeah, kind of ruins the mood
when you announce it.

No, no! It's the big one!
It's the big one!

Okay. Here, let's
get under the doorway.

Okay. Celia,
do not panic, okay?!

If we don't
make it out of this, I --

Oh.

Oh, I think it's over.

Okay.

Ow! Splinter.
Ohh. Oh.

[ Rumbling, rattling ]

3.6?

Maybe 3.7?

[ Keyboard clacking ]

Nailed it.

♪♪♪

Hey, baby. Does my wound
look infected to you?

Uh, what am I
looking at?

This little dot?

Is it smaller
than a germ?

If it's not smaller than a germ,
than a germ can get in,

and, Celia, if a germ
can get in, then I can die.

Oh, my God.

[ Door opens ]

Mom's missing![ Door closes ]

I went to check on her after the
earthquake, and she wasn't home.

I mean, this is
her first L.A. earthquake.

She's probably
on a flight back to Iowa.

Or hiding under
somebody's porch.

I think it's best
for our relationship

if I never know why this syrup
was on your nightstand.

Mom, you found your way out
from under the porch!

Ow!

Mom, what are you
doing here?

I came to check
on Freddie.

Okay, well, I'm not dead,
by the way.

And neither is my phone.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I should've called.

You're just so good in a crisis,
I wasn't worried about you.

She re-wrote
the tornado protocol

for her elementary school.

They gave her a plaque.

We told her it was even better
than having friends.

Ow!

Mom!
Jackie keeps hitting my wound!

Ugh, you're such a baby.

Oh, yeah? Really? You want
to know what that syrup was for?

'Cause it's
nothing babies do.

We're having eggs.

-- Captions by VITAC --

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Hey, Mom?
Does this look okay to you?

Ooh, can't be
too careful.

If it's not smaller than a germ,
a germ can get in.

I'm going to get you a Band-Aid
and some Neosporin.

Freddie,
what are you doing?

You already asked me about your
hand, and I said it was fine.

[ Scoffs ]
That doesn't count, Celia,

'cause you're
not in the club.

[ Laughs ]
Mom and I are not a club.

[ Laughs ] You know, it's ironic
that you're the favorite

when you're also the one
that does the least.

It's like you're rewarded
for being selfish.

I'll bet you didn't even
check on Mom.

No. This wasn't even that bad
of an earthquake, Jackie.

The one during quarantine
was way worse, and she was fine.

Mom wasn't here
during quarantine.

I know. That's --
That's what I'm saying.

What are you saying?What are yousaying?

What are yousaying?

Mom, were you here
during quarantine

and you didn't tell me?

No.

Are you lying?

Yes.

In my defense, I asked you if
I could come, and you said no.

So did the CDC!

I said no because you're old
and I wanted to save your life.

Freddie didn't even care
if something happened to you!

It was
right at the beginning.

Nobody knew anything.

People were putting Amazon boxes
in the oven.

It was madness.

Yeah, I showered
with my groceries.

Plus, I had no idea how long
we were going to be inside,

and I wanted
to see my kids.

And you made such a stink about
how mad you'd be if I showed up,

it just seemed easier
not to say anything.

So, what did you guys do?

Just sit around
and talk about me?

No, we didn't
talk about you at all.

Of course not, because Mom
was already with her favorite.

I don't have a favorite.

And we did talk about her,
remember?

I said the lady
in the antidepressant commercial

reminded me of Jackie.

Wow. What a win.

No, no, only aftershe started
taking the pills

and she was learning
to tango.

Okay, uh...

I am so sick of being the
third wheel in my own family.

If you ever remember
my phone number, don't call me.

♪♪♪

You're in Danny's house?

This is a chance

for you to find out
if you should date him.

Now go check his nightstand
drawers for anything freaky.

Sharon, stop it!
And keep your voice down.

He's right outside
with the building inspector,

checking for
earthquake damage.

Oh.
There's someone here.

You're the lady
who lives in the back.

Yes. Jean.

And you're Cheryl, right?

Mm-hmm.Uh, the ex-wife.

[ Gasps]
Ooh! The ex-wife!

Not ex yet.
Right.

Uh, Danny said I could wait in
here until the inspector's done.

Oh. Shedoes look like

a mean Natalie Portman.

Cheryl.

Is that Danny?
Turn me around, turn me around!

This is like "The Crown"
with poor people.

What are you doing here?

I'm still co-owner
of this house.

I came to see
if there were any damages.

I'm handling it, Cheryl.
I've got an inspector out there.

I'll send you the report.

Think I'd rather talk
to the inspector myself.

Oh, why?
'Cause I can't be trusted?

Yeah, and now
you're all caught up.

Hey, let's all talk to the
inspector and get out of...here.

Oh, bring me with you!

Ooh, vaulted ceilings.

Danny, you got a light bulb out!

So...

What are we looking at?What are we looking at?

Some damaged cabinets,
floorboards.

Uh, a couple pictures
came off the walls.

I see you have a son.
Good-looking kid.

I actually have two children,
a son and a daughter.

Really? Just saw
pictures of the one.

That's just because my daughter
never wanted to be in pictures.

I always asked.

I love them equally.

I'm not that invested.

You're going to have to do
some retrofitting,

and that's going to
have to be done

before she can
move back in.

Danny: Oh, come on.

Jean, I'm really sorry
about this.

If you like, you could stay
in my daughter's bedroom.

Ourdaughter's
bedroom.

Yeah.No, this is perfect.

I'll stay with Jackie.

W-We're having
kind of a thing.

Oh, what kind of thing?
Mother-daughter thing?

Ex-boyfriend thing?
Boss boyfriend thing?

Bad job thing?

You know Jackie.

She's got a lot of things
right now.

But this one's
a mother-daughter thing.

I'm sorry.
Well, you'll figure it out.

I mean, you're
such a good mum.

Oh.

Well, good luck
with everything.

♪♪♪

Mom, what are you
doing here?

Surprise girls' night!

And then
a couple other nights.

The earthquake damaged
Danny's guesthouse,

so I'm going to stay here
until it's all fixed.

Do you just not have
my phone number?

The earlier one
was a misstep.

This is a surprise!

I could have stayed
with Freddie,

but I chose you, Jackie.

I chose you.

Really? It had nothing to do
with the fact

that you knew
Lane was out of town

and I have an empty bedroom
with a pillow-top mattress?

Honey, I didn't know
Lane was out of town.

I'm here to be with you.

I chose you.

Okay, well I have like a
thousand things to do for work,

so...

Why is everything
so wrong?

Oh, I just moved
a couple things.

I got a book about
creating better flow.

It's good.
I got it at that nice 7-Eleven.

[ Gasps ]

Mom, what are you
doing here?

I heard what you said
this morning

about things
not being equal.

I'm here
to make things equal.

I thought we could watch movies
and paint toes --

Okay, Mom, I love you,

but I think our problem
is a little more complicated

than a movie night
and pedicures.

But that's just
the beginning.

I've got a whole night
of girl-on-girl action planned.

Again, that does not mean
what you think it means.

♪♪♪

[ Grunts ]

Great. My hand is so swollen,
I can't even play video games,

which means I can't work.

Celia, I think
a germ got in.

Okay.

Okay, let me see.

Mm.
Ooh.

It does look
a little red.

Yeah?

Okay. My mom
will know what to do.

Freddie, your mom?

Okay, what did I say
when we first met?

You were excited 'cause
you thought I was Rachel Maddow.

After that.
Remember?

I spent
our entire first date

talking about how I wanted
a real relationship.

Yeah. No,
I-I-I wanted that, too.

And you are
in a real relationship.

With your mother.

Seriously, how are we
ever going to be partners

if you don't even trust me
to handle even the basic stuff?

Okay. Okay.

Just tell me what to do.

Really?

Okay. Um...

Ooh, I have
this pain-reliever salve

with willow bark extract.

It's, like,
for real the best.

My bark guy gave it to me,

and he's like the top bark guy
in all of L.A.,

so trust.

Sure don't want
that second-best bark guy.

Call Mother.

♪♪♪

[ Cellphone rings ]

Oh.
It's your brother calling.

And I'm not
going to pick it up.

It's our time.

So, what should we do?

I'm already doing something.
I'm working.

Back in my day, if you were
sleeping with the boss,

you could take off as much time
as you wanted.

Okay, Mom,
I'm happy to let you crash here,

but this Freddie thing has been
going on our whole lives,

and you're not going to fix it
in one night.

Please, honey, let's just do
one thing that I had planned,

and then you can
get back to work, I promise.

How about this?

I'll paint your toes
whileyou work.

Okay.

Mom! Stop! That tickles![ Laughs ]

Mom!Aha! There's a giggle!

[ Chuckles ]

Oh! Oh![ Gasps ] Mom!

Oh, gosh!
I'm sorry!

I'll clean it up!

Let's reset with a hug.

I don't want a hug!

You've never been comfortable
with affection.

Even as a baby,
you had trouble latching.

Ugh! Good night!

I'm trying
to be close to you!

You can't complain
about not getting something

and then run away
as soon as it's offered.

Now hug your mother!

I don't want to!

[ Thud ]Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, God. Oh.Oh, my God! My toe!

Oh, I'm so sorry!Ah! Ah!

Oh, gosh!Ow! I think it's broken!

Oh, let me get you
some new pants,

and I'll drive you
to Urgent Care.

You broke my toe
and you're critiquing my outfit?

No, I'm not.
It's just...

you sat
right in the nail polish.

Don't worry, honey.
I shine in a crisis.

I was there when you broke
your arm, sprained your ankle,

when you fell down the stairs
in our old house --

You werethere
for all of those.

Do you have
Munchausen by proxy?

I think I saw a movie about you
with Patricia Arquette.

Oh, I love her.

Excuse me, my daughter injured
her toe, and she needs help.

Have her
fill out these forms.

What? We don't have time.
This is urgent.

Yes.
This is UrgentCare.

Oh, please.

She thinks I love her brother
more than her,

so I broke into her house
to force my love on her,

but I forced so hard,
I think I broke her toe.

Ma'am, there's no wait.

You'd be back there by now if
you just filled out this form.

I'llfill out the forms.

You know, that's the problem
with this country.

Medical bureaucracy putting
paperwork over people.

My daughter's in pain,
and we don't have time

for this --I'm done.

I'll take you back.

You can have one person
with you.

I'll go with her.

Mm, no, thank you.

♪♪♪

What's going on?
Who's this guy?

He's my handyman.

I told you I was gonna
do the work myself.

And then I laughed
and called Chad.

I don't need any help, thanks.
I know what I'm doing.

Manual saw, huh?
Eh, I get it.

Lot of guys
are scared of the power.

[ Saw blade whirs ]

[ Grunts ]

Ooh, boy.
[ Grunts ]

The, uh, bottom layer
wicks the moisture, so...

So, uh, do you do
a lot of repair work?

Well, I'm a therapist,
so, uh, mainly repair psyches,

relationships, self-image.

Kind of an architect
of the soul.

[ Clicks tongue ][ Laughs ]

Dude, I am way
not brainy enough for that.

[ Both laugh ]

That's probably why
my thing with Cheryl

will never be
anything more than physical.

Ah...

So, Chad seems great.

Mm.He's your new boyfriend?

Calm down.
It's just sex.

It's not like
I think he's a great dad.

Yeah, that's 'cause he probably
still liveswith his dad.

Oh, how embarrassing
for you

that you're so easily
threatened.

Ha, ha, ha.

You know, just to show you
how non-threatened I am,

I'm going to make conversation
with the guy.

Chad, is it? Chad?

Makes sense.

So, uh...
Chad the handyman.

Bet all the, uh -- the hammering
and the wood and stuff,

bet that really helps for
what you got going on there.

[ Both chuckle ]Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I still make time
for a workout.

Oh, yeah?
What's that look like?

It's nothing crazy.
I wake up around 4:00,

run through
my Gladiator workout,

down an Afterburn
breakfast shake,

do a 7-mile
trail scramble --

Wow, good for you.
That sounds great.

Some people might think

that that much exercise
masks a deeper insecurity.

They do?Cheryl: What are you doing?

What are you
saying to him?

Nothing.
We're just bonding.

Right, Chad?[ Chuckles ] I don't know.

[ Chuckles ]

I mean, it's -- it's just
my opinion, but, uh...

I'd say dating an older woman
is probably making up

for the emotional closeness
you lacked with your mother.

Dad always wanted you
to be a tough guy like him.

I mean,
that must have been lonely.

Until the day you discovered
that chocolate can replace love.

Then all of a sudden,
you're being raised

by Mr. Goodbar
and Lady Godiva.

Why are you still
talking to him?

But the, uh -- the chubby kid
doesn't exactly disappear

with the weight,
now, does he, Chad?

[ Voice breaking ] They used to
call me Chaddy the Fatty.

Hey, hey.
Kids can be cruel.

No, my parents!

[ Imitates gunshots, blows ]

[ Nail gun fires ]Aah!

[ Gasps ] Why?!

What have you done?

♪♪♪

Um...I need a doctor!

I parked
behind an ambulance,

so if anybody
needs to get out...

Freddie!
Mom!

W-Why didn't you
call me back?

I was bonding
with your sister.

You called your mom?

What happened
to your hand?

Celia gave me something
for my wound,

and now I can't
close my hand.

I just gave him
a little willow bark.

It's nature's aspirin.He's allergic to aspirin.

Yes, I'm aware
of that now.

My son is in pain!
Fix his hand!

Ma'am!

The louder you get,
the less I want to help you.

[ Softly ]
Fix his hand.

I'll get you set up
in an exam room.

I have some forms for you.

One of them
can come back with you.

Choose wisely.

Um...

I mean, Mom knows
my medical history,

so she -- she should
probably come.

[ Sighs, scoffs ]

Mom?

Celia?

Freddie's having
an allergic reaction to bark.

And my mom went
to go get me

a teddy bear
from the gift shop?

No, she went back there
to take care of Freddie.

And probably see
if they can reattach the cord.

You've gotta be
frickin' kidding me!

I'm so triggered
right now.

My mom broke my toe.

Oh, really?
She must feel terrible.

She must be sitting
in the waiting room

wondering how
she can make it up to you.

Oh, wait.
No, she's not.

Are you still talking
to me?

I just can't believe it.
I tell her how I feel,

and then she ditches me
for Freddie.

Yeah,
well, he's a jerk, too.

You were right.

They totally have
a little club.

But you know what?

We should just let them
have their stupid club

and we could have
our own club.

Except our club
will have cuter clothes,

except for your big shoe
and...

whatever those pants are.

And we'll exclude them
and we won't ask their advice

and we'll get you
a new top.

And hey, we could be
each other's emergency contacts.

I've never had
an emergency contact.

But I'm 15 other people's.

Wow.
That kind of bums me out.

Is this gonna be
a sad club?

The club that I started
'cause my mom doesn't love me?

Probably.

[ Sighs ]

Wanna go get a drink?

Mm. Actually,
I'm on painkillers.

Ooh, perfect.
Pop another one,

I'll grab some vodka,
and we'll meet in a happy place.

Danny?

Jackie?
Is everything okay?

My mom broke my toe.

I poisoned Freddie.

I shot
Cheryl's boyfriend.

Not my boyfriend.
Just sex.

I think
I'm blacking out.

♪♪♪

[ Sighs ] Well...

this divorce
seems to be going

about as well
as our marriage.

Mm.

[ Sighs ] You know, I didn't
shoot Chad on purpose.

You know that, right?

But you did make him cry
on purpose.

Yes,
that was on purpose,

'cause I felt like he was there
to torture me.

Oh, he was.

Kind of like your relationship
with the renter tortures me.

I'm not sleeping
with Jean.

I know.

But you are falling
for her.

No, I'm -- [ Stammers ]
S-She's just a friend.

Oh, come on, Danny.

Our marriage might be over,
but I still know that look.

♪♪♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Door opens ]

Jackie, I can't believe
you just left me there.

Celia, I came out
and you were gone.

Well, now you know
what it's like

to have someone not be there
for you.

Sisterhood
of the Emergency Contacts.

[ Glasses clink ]

Are you drunk?

Why don't you check
with your mummy?

Hey.

Baby, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was just
freaked out about my hand.

I really didn't like being
back there without you.

I want you to be
my emergency contact.

Oh. Wow.

Sorry.
I promised Jackie.

That's okay, Celia.

No offense, but if it was
a real emergency,

you would be one
of the last people I would call.

That's offensive.

Unless it was
a hair emergency.

Aw, Jackie.

They gave me an ointment
at Urgent Care.

You wanna help
put it on me?

It has to go
on my moist areas.

[ Giggles ]
I would love that.

Marry her.

[ Smooches ]

[ Giggles ]

[ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ]

Well, guess
I'll just go to a hotel.

When your kids don't love you,
Marriott Bonvoy does.

You went back
with Freddie.
What?

You went back to the exam room
with Freddie and not me.

You visited Freddie
during quarantine and not me.

It's always Freddie
and not me.

Jackie,
I'm running out of ways

to tell you
that's not true.

You literally flew
to L.A.

when you hadn't heard from him
for like a minute.

It was four days.

And I would've come to L.A.
if I hadn't heard from you.

Yeah, but you'll never
not hear from me,

because I show up.

And then when I need you,
you're with Freddie.

Well, how would I know
you need me?

You never
tell me anything.

You never ask
for my help.

The bottom line is,
I take care of you,

you take care of Freddie,

and nobody takes care
of me.

I asked you if you wanted me
to come back with you

at the Urgent Care,
and you said no.

I didn't mean it!

Well, how was I
supposed to know

you didn't mean
what you meant?

You're really
just never gonna get it.

Then help me.

When you said don't come
during quarantine...

That meant don't come.

Because I was worried
about your health.

And when you said don't come
back at the Urgent Care?

I wanted you to come
and hold my hand

because I was worried
about myhealth.

Don't you see
how that's confusing?

It's not that hard!

I just want to ask you
for something

and have you do it,
unless I don't want you to,

in which case ignore me,

but make it
so I don't feel ignored.

Now you're just screwing
with me.

Oh.

Why can't you be
like your brother?

Are you really saying that
to me?

I just mean he's easy.

"Mom, fix me a snack.

Mom, I'm tired.

Mom, tickle my forearm
while we watch 'Star Wars'

for the 1,000th time."

Maybe I have
focused on Freddie more,

but that's because you
always had your life together.

Not needing me

tends to make me feel
not needed.

Well, my life is very much
not together right now.

I know, Jackie.
I know.

I may have come to L.A.
because of Freddie,

but I stayed
because of you.

And I'll try to get better
at listening for your cues,

but seriously, you got to
make them more obvious.

Ring a bell
or something.

Okay.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Sighs ]

You wanna watch
a movie?

That would be great.[ Laughs, sniffles ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Music playing on television ]

Want me to fix you
a snack?

I'm okay.
[ Chuckles ]

Ding ding ding ding ding.

[ Laughs ]Got it. Snack time.

♪♪♪

Sharon: I've been calling you
all afternoon.

Where have you been?

Well,
you wouldn't believe it.

I had to take Jackie
to the hospital.

Is she dead?

No!

Then who cares?

Tell me what happened
with Danny

and mean Natalie Portman.

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a little uncomfortable
when she's around.

Of course it is.

You're crazy for him.

You need to stop saying that.
He's just a friend.

Jeanie, I've been your friend
since high school.

You've never looked at me
like that.

[ Scoffs ]

I'm still here.

And you're still crazy
for him.

Wow! Everybody's got
nice ceilings in California.

♪♪♪