All language subtitles for euphoria.us.s01e00.trouble.dont.last.always.720p.web.h264-ggwp_Track03

("All For Us"

by Labrinth playing)

♪ Taking it all for us ♪

♪ Taking it all ♪

♪ Taking it all for us ♪

(birds chirping)

(truck brakes squeaking outside)

(kissing noises)

-Hi.

Oh, wait. Don't kiss me.

I just woke up.

No, it doesn't matter.

They're good luck kisses.

-(gasps) Oh, fuck.

Wait. My presentation.

-What?

-Wait, what time is it?

-You're good. You're good.

You're good. It's eight.

-Okay.

-You're good.

-I'm so fucking nervous.

-You got it.

-Mm, I can't fuck this up.

-You're gonna be...

You're gonna be amazing.

(kisses)

Want me to walk you to school?

Mm, I think I wanna

listen to music

and clear my head,

but I love you.

(chuckles softly)

I love you, too.

-(Jules moans)

-Go. Go.

(footsteps departing)

(continues brushing teeth)

You know whatever

happens today,

I'm proud of you.

(chuckles)

♪

♪

Ooh.

Can you believe it?

(whispers):

It's everything

we dreamed of.

-Mm. I love you.

-I love you.

(chuckles)

(distant siren blaring)

(indistinct chatter outside)

(unwrapping package)

(pills clatter on floor)

Shit.

(loud tapping)

-(snorts)

-("So Alone" by

Labrinth playing)

♪ Felt so alone,

nah-a-no ♪

-(toilet flushing)

-(sniffling)

♪ I never felt so alone ♪

♪ Felt so alone,

nah-a-no ♪

(indistinct chatter)

Server:

You had pancakes, right?

Look, Ali, I know

you don't believe me,

but I'm, I'm doing

really good, actually.

-Is that so?

-Yeah.

-Mm.

-Yeah, for sure.

I mean it, you know,

could suddenly shit flip

and get super dark?

Yeah, you know.

I mean it could, but...

I feel like I've found this,

like, amazing balance,

where I'm like

happy and healthy,

and I'm not, like,

looking to anybody else

for that happiness, you know?

Fuckin' Jules.

The way I was, like,

putting way too much

of my emotional well-being

in her hands, you know,

without ever, like,

talking about it,

or, or saying it. I...

Especially the way

I was fuckin'...

making plans for the rest

of our life and shit.

And I just...

And I look back

and I'm just like,

why the fuck did I do that?

It's fuckin' crazy.

And weird.

(scoffs)

Eh, I don't know.

I guess I just, like,

made her the point.

But she's, like, not the point.

I'm the point, you know?

Hmmph.

The point is your sobriety.

Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

And, and like, my,

my general overall well-being.

Which starts with your sobriety.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

And, like, finding an

emotional balance, you know?

You just said you found

an amazing balance.

I, I did.

I have. I, I mean,

but I'm not perfect,

you know, so...

I'm, I'm sane, though.

Like, I'm sane. Saner.

I'm making sane decisions.

Rue. You're high.

(chuckles)

I feel like you're not

listening to what I'm saying.

Rue, I don't think

you're listening to

what you're saying.

I feel like that's

physically impossible.

To what? Talk some bullshit?

(Rue scoffs)

Huh.

You know,

that's what, like,

I, I don't understand

about the world.

'Cause, like, there is tons

of people who, you know,

drink and do drugs,

and sometimes

their life is good.

And sometimes,

life's just bad,

you know?

It's fucking life.

There's ups and downs

to this shit, but,

I mean, whether you

believe me or not,

-I'm, like, I'm good.

-Yeah, yeah, you said that.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like

I'm doing a bunch of shit.

I'm just smoking

a little bit of weed,

and taking some pills

that were prescribed to me.

My point is,

it's not gonna last.

Yeah, well, neither do

my moods when I'm sober.

Okay, well, you know,

I'm not saying you're, um,

a paragon of mental health.

You've got your issues,

and you're gonna be

struggling with those issues

for the rest of your life.

That's a fact.

The problem is, is that

you look at sobriety

as a weakness

in the face of those issues,

and what I'm saying is,

sobriety is your

greatest weapon.

(scoffs) Yeah.

(silverware clatters)

Ali, can I tell you something?

-Yeah.

-Like, for real, if--

If I say some dark shit,

you're not gonna report me

to the state or something?

Uh, Rue, I'm not

a guidance counselor.

I'm just a crackhead

who's trying to do

a little good on this Earth

-before I die.

-(both laugh)

Uh, you're,

you're a trip, man.

-What were you gonna say?

-Ah.

-It doesn't matter. It's stupid.

-All right, I'm sorry. Come on.

-What were you gonna say?

-Nah. I don't wanna--

Say it.

Say it.

Um...

When I'm, uh,

when I'm clean, you know,

when I'm present, uh,

like a part of this world,

I don't just think about

relapsing.

It's, uh, it's darker than that.

And, uh, you can say

that sobriety is my, uh,

greatest weapon, but...

To tell you the truth,

drugs are probably

the only reason

I haven't killed myself.

Oh.

Now we're talkin'.

Now you're being real.

Now you're being honest.

Because this whole bullshit

about being a functioning

drug addict,

about finding balance,

that ain't true.

That's a lie.

-It's not a lie.

whether you know it or not,

-It's a lie,

-but more importantly,

I don't give a fuck to hear it.

-(scoffs)

-Yeah, whatever, man.

-"Whatever, man"?

-(Rue chuckles)

-Whatever, man.

Listen, young blood.

(laughs)

I was shooting dope before

your mama's egg dropped.

I've lived a whole

motherfuckin' life

to get to this diner

to sit across from

your arrogant ass,

so don't you ever

"whatever" me.

You're 17. You don't know shit.

You think you're hard?

I'm harder.

You think you're tough?

I'm tougher. You got clean

and want to kill yourself?

Same motherfuckin' story here.

You want to know why?

You want to know why?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause you don't know

how to live life.

You don't have the tools.

You're too busy running around,

trying to bullshit everybody

into thinking you're hard,

and you don't give a fuck,

when in reality,

you give so much of a fuck,

you can't even bear

to be alive.

So guess what? New rule.

No more wasting my

motherfuckin' time.

You wanna use? Use.

But the least you can do

is be honest. Own that shit.

-(quietly): Okay.

-You feel me?

Yep.

Why'd you relapse?

I don't know.

Couldn't stop my mind

from racing.

Racing about what?

-Everything.

-Hey, hey. Get specific.

All the things I remember

and all the things I wish

I didn't.

Okay. I get it.

-Why didn't you call me?

-(scoffs)

Just... honestly,

I wasn't really trying

not to relapse.

-(Ali laughs)

-(Rue chuckles softly)

Yeah. Man. Okay.

Where'd you get the drugs?

I had some pills for

emergency purposes.

Fuck. So you never

stood a chance.

Nope.

Do you wanna get clean?

No.

You sure?

Yep.

(exhales)

I get it. I get it.

-Is that fucked up?

-What? That you don't

want to get clean?

Yeah, yeah.

Of course it's fucked up.

Ah. I'm a piece of shit, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a piece of shit.

All right, but, uh,

here's the silver lining.

You're not a drug addict

because you're a piece of shit.

You're a piece of shit

because you're a drug addict.

You follow?

-Mm, I don't really...

-Okay, all right.

What I'm saying is,

you didn't come out

of the womb an evil person.

You, Rue, came out of the womb

a beautiful baby girl,

who unbeknownst to her,

had a couple of wires crossed.

So when you tried drugs

for the first time,

it, uh, set something off

in your brain

that's beyond your control.

And it isn't a question

of willpower.

It's not about

how strong you are.

You've been fighting

a losing game

since the first day

you got high.

So you can destroy your life,

you can fuck your

little sister's head up,

you can abuse and torture

and take for granted your mama,

and sit here and

look me in the eye,

and say, as calm as can be,

as cool as a cucumber,

"Imma keep usin' drugs."

Ha.

That is the disease

of addiction.

It is a degenerative disease.

It is incurable.

It is deadly.

And it's no different

than cancer.

And you got it.

Why? Mm. Luck of the draw.

But, hey, but the hardest part

of having the disease

of addiction,

aside from having the disease,

is that no one in the world

sees it as a disease.

They see you as selfish.

They see you as weak.

They see you as cruel.

They see you as,

uh, destructive.

They think, why should

I give a fuck about her

if she doesn't give a fuck

about herself or anybody else?

Why does this girl

deserve my time,

my patience,

my sympathy? Right?

If she wants to kill herself,

let her.

All reasonable questions

and responses.

But luckily, you aren't

the only person on planet Earth

who has this disease.

There happens to be

people like me,

who understand that

you aren't all that bad.

(chuckles)

Probably underneath

all this busted-ass,

chaotic energy,

you might even be a good kid.

Who knows?

And that is why we are

eating pancakes on

Christmas Eve.

-(bass thumping)

-Despite the fact that

you don't want to get clean.

-Rue: You have daughters,

-Ali: Mm-hmm.

right?

Rue:

Where are they?

Different places,

celebrating with their families.

Mm. You see them often?

(chuckles wryly)

I've never declined

an invitation.

Wait, but haven't you been,

like, clean for 20 years?

Nah, nah.

I was clean for seven years.

Wait, really?

Yeah, well,

I had 12 years before that,

but you know, I got cocky.

Started to walk around

thinking I was invincible.

So, now I got seven years.

-Oh, shit.

-Right.

Wait, how do you...

How do you relapse

after 12 years?

You forget how bad it is.

Damn. How, how long

did you relapse for?

A... year and a half.

-Oh, fuck.

-Yeah, fuck. Yeah. Right.

Oh, shit.

Damn. I thought, I thought

you were gonna say, like,

a day or something.

Nah, nah. Once you

get back in that cycle,

you know, using and abusing,

it's inescapable.

Especially if you've been

clean for 12 years.

That's when the disease

starts talking.

"Twelve years, Martin,

and you ain't never

getting that far again."

Aah.

Wait. Martin?

-Uh, yeah.

-(both laugh)

Who's Martin?

Martin is me.

What?

-My name.

-Your name is Martin?

-Well, it used to be.

-What?

-Before I converted.

-To what?

-To Islam.

-Ali, I'm super fucking

confused right now.

-What am I,

your first Black friend?

-(Rue laughs)

What'd you think,

I was actually from

the Middle East?

-What-- (laughs)

-I'm from south Philly.

Yeah, but you, you just don't,

you don't look like a Martin.

-You don't.

-I didn't think so, either.

Do women ever convert to Islam?

-Very few.

-Mm.

You know, it's interesting,

'cause, like...

It's kind of what

I struggle with.

-What do you mean?

-The NA shit.

Step one,

I, I, I'm cool with.

Like, you know, I, I can,

I can agree, you know,

I'm powerless over drugs,

and my life is unmanageable.

That's not, like,

fucking inconceivable.

-Right. Right.

-But, um...

It's step two.

"Came to believe that a power

greater than ourselves

could restore us to sanity."

That one, I just, I, uh...

(inhales)

I have some trouble with.

Oh, oh, okay.

All right, all right, I see.

Now I get it. (laughs)

You don't believe

there's a power on Earth

-greater than Rue.

-(scoffs)

-That's not true.

-Really?

It's not true.

I think there's tons of shit

-that is of greater

power than me.

-Name one.

-A Mack truck.

-Uh-huh.

-What?

-Name another.

Uh, the ocean.

-Try again.

-(laughs)

Shit. I would say

any song by Otis Redding

is of greater power than me.

That doesn't make any sense.

It does. Yeah, it does.

-It does.

-What?

The...

The impact that

"Try a Little Tenderness"

had on the world is,

is more than I, I could ever do.

-Well...

-It's more than probably

any of us will ever fucking do.

All right, all right,

all right.

Little smart ass.

Okay, that's not gonna cut it.

(scoffs)

Ali, I don't believe in God.

Guess what?

God doesn't give a fuck

if you believe in him.

-He believes in you.

-I don't know.

That, that, that sounds good,

but it, it doesn't really

mean anything.

Of course it means something.

If God didn't believe in you,

you wouldn't even

still be breathing.

So, you're saying

the reason my dad died

is because God

didn't believe in him?

Rue, uh, that's not

what I was saying--

There's nothing that

makes me angrier than

that fucking argument.

Hey, that's, that's not

what I was saying--

You know, 'cause every time

someone survives,

like, a mass shooting

or some terrible

fucking earthquake,

they always say, you know,

"I survived for a reason.

God saved me for a reason.

I have a purpose."

(scoffs)

And then I think to myself,

like, okay, well,

what you're saying is that

your life is more important

than that six-year-old

who died that day,

or the newborn

who died that day,

or anybody fucking else

who died that day.

Your life has a purpose, right?

Well, why does your life

have a purpose,

and my dad's doesn't?

Because I could argue

that my dad's purpose

was to raise me and my sister.

To be there for my mom.

That was his purpose, I think.

But, you know.

He's dead.

-Listen--

-Ali, if you're,

if you're about to tell me

that he died for a reason,

or you know, whatever,

I will literally

walk the fuck out.

I, I wasn't.

He didn't die to

teach us a lesson.

Okay? He didn't die to,

you know,

have us all come together,

or whatever the fuck

people tell people when they

don't have anything to say.

He died because he died.

That's it.

Same stupid reason

I came out of the womb

with a couple wires crossed.

Right? Just fucking luck.

You said it.

That's it.

Listen, um...

I don't know all the answers.

And I'm not gonna pretend to.

But I do know

that at any given point

that we're unable to see

and comprehend

the overall arc of human life.

No person can see it.

The whole chain reaction

of how things come to be

from beginning to end.

It's a mystery,

and will always

remain a mystery.

How, um, six-year-old

Malcolm Little's daddy

was killed in

a streetcar accident.

Rumor was it that

the Black Legion did it.

The KKK.

How that little boy grew up

believing that this white world

had no place for a Black man

like him, so fuck it.

He moves to Harlem,

becomes a pimp.

Becomes an addict.

Starts robbing and stealing,

till he gets locked up.

Who discovers Islam.

Who starts a movement.

Who scares the living shit

out of white America so bad

that white America was

so afraid that they

embraced another Negro,

one who had a dream,

not to cut the head off

the snake,

even if that's what

they deserved,

but to live in harmony.

Next thing you know,

Civil Rights Act.

The first legislative steps

granting you and I the right

to sit in this motherfuckin'

diner to have a conversation

about whether or not

you wanna stay clean

from drugs.

Drugs that were

given to your ancestors

to keep them inebriated,

inoculated, enslaved.

Drugs that stripped them

of their ability to not

just be free,

but to imagine a world

in which they were free.

So, why is one person's purpose

greater than another's?

Why are some people struck down

while others live?

Why are you, Rue Bennett,

sitting here when other

17-year-olds,

17-year-olds who are better,

who are kinder,

who are more

respectful than you,

aren't sitting here,

I don't know.

That's the mystery.

But here we are.

So what now?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll...

(exhales)

start a revolution like

Malcolm X or something.

But haven't you heard, man,

revolutions are

no longer radical.

What are you talking about?

There's so many revolutions

that everybody's

a revolutionary.

The rich. The poor.

The right. The left.

The young. The old.

The beggars. The bankers.

Man... is it beautiful.

Huh? Everyone all at once,

fighting one revolution

after another.

I tell ya, I never thought

I'd see so many revolutions

in my entire life.

(laughs)

The, the revolutions are

fought and won so damn fast

that the people don't even

have time to implement change,

because have you heard?

Huh?

There's a new revolution.

I went down to, um,

buy me a new pair of kicks

at the Nike store the other day.

And I look up on the wall,

and I see in 20-foot letters,

these words,

"Our people matter."

And I thought, man,

this feels good.

Here I am, and my favorite

shoe store's out here saying,

"I know you lived a long life.

"And I know that life

ain't always been easy,

"but here you are,

at 54 years old, my brother,

and I want to say I love you."

And I'm like, man.

This feels good.

And I'm like,

thank you, Nike.

(chuckles)

And then I pick up

a pair of these sneakers

and I look at the price tag,

and it says $139.99.

And I'm, like,

I thought Nike loved me.

Appreciated me and my life.

What happened here?

-(chuckles)

-And I look around the store,

and I see a whole bunch

of Black people,

you know, also feeling good.

And I see a whole bunch

of white people, too.

Also feeling good.

Some even, you know,

posing.

And taking, uh, pictures

with the 20-foot letters

on the wall.

-(Rue chuckles)

-(laughs) And, uh...

Shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Straight up.

I just had this feeling,

and I thought,

fuck you, Nike.

You don't give a fuck about

anything or anyone.

Chinese Muslims are sewing

these Kaepernick sneakers

for seven cents an hour,

and you're tellin' me

my Black ass matters.

Give me a fucking break.

If rap music wasn't mainstream,

if Nirvana was still the most

popular band in America,

they'd be out here saying,

"Depression Matters,"

because that's what

would move sneakers.

Shit.

These advertisers.

They're too good.

Uh-huh. (laughs)

And they've outsmarted us.

But at the same time,

your generation's full of

some mark-ass bitches,

because they've tapped

into your phones.

Yeah, yeah.

They've read your likes.

They've predicted your moves,

and trapped yo' asses.

You think you out here

fighting a revolution,

and Bank of America's

on your side?

Give me a fucking break.

Because a true revolution

has no allies.

It's just that simple.

Because a true revolution,

not a fast one,

not a quick one,

not a fashionable one,

but a real fucking revolution,

is at its core, spiritual.

It is a complete decimation

of one's priorities,

beliefs, and way of living.

And reconstruction

in the spirit of, uh...

You have to create a new God.

Or gods.

Or whatever you can.

But it is imperative

that you believe in something.

Something greater than yourself.

All right?

And it can't be the ocean,

or your favorite song.

And it can't be the movement,

or the people, or the words.

You've got to

believe in the poetry.

Because everything else

in your life will fail you.

Including yourself.

-(knocks once on table)

-You hear me?

That's where you are.

You're sick.

Your whole system's

on the verge of collapse.

And the addict in you

is trying to sell you

on the same shit

that got you sick

in the first place.

And if you keep going

the way you're going,

you'll rot from the inside

until you cave in and die.

Your only hope is a revolution.

But a real fuckin' revolution,

inside and out.

But you gotta see it through.

You can't half-ass this shit.

You just have to commit to it,

every single day.

And know that you can

always do it better.

And be better.

Because who knows? Um...

one day, you might succeed.

(sighs)

I don't underestimate anyone.

Uh...

Stranger things have happened.

Be right back.

All right?

(door opens)

(door closes)

("Me in 20 Years"

by Moses Sumney playing)

♪ Hey, after all these years ♪

♪ I'm still here ♪

♪ Fingers outstretched ♪

♪ With your imprint in my bed ♪

♪ A pit so big ♪

♪ I lay on the edge ♪

-(line ringing)

-♪ Will love let me down ♪

♪ Again,

Oh, no ♪

Oh, hey, hey! Aah.

I didn't know you were

gonna pick up.

I-I thought I was gonna

get your voicemail.

Uh... heh. Nah, nah.

I'm not...

Not trying to guilt trip you.

It's just... (sighs)

It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

♪ I wonder how

I'll sleep at night ♪

♪ With a cavity by my side ♪

♪ And nothing left to hold

but pride ♪

♪ Will I ♪

Ali:

Your sister there?

♪ Hold out for more time ♪

Ali:

Oh, that's good. That's good.

♪ Hey, me in 20 years ♪

Tell her I, uh, tell her

Merry Christmas for me.

And tell her I, I love her.

And I miss her very much.

No. Nah.

I'm not trying to talk to her

through you, Imani.

That's not what I was try--

♪ ...them mirrors ♪

Right.

♪ Of sentimental veneer ♪

♪ I wonder how

I'll sleep at night ♪

Ali:

I'm doing good. I'm...

I just came from my meeting.

Now I'm standing

in the parking lot. Ha.

Nah, nah, nah.

I'm just getting pancakes

with a kid I sponsor.

♪ Hold out

a little bit more ♪

♪ A little bit more,

just a little bit more ♪

Ali:

Hey, hey. Hey!

Who's this?

Rashad?

(laughs)

"Who's this?"

It's Poppo.

Poppo Ali.

Wait, wait, wait.

Say it again.

Oh, yeah, little man!

(laughs)

Oh, oh, hey. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Hey.

What a voice he has on him.

Right? (laughs)

Wait. How tall is he by now?

Is he--

What... yeah.

Oh, yeah-- Nah.

Oh, yeah.

No, I, I, I understand.

It's not a problem.

Oh, wow.

♪ Is it laced

within my DNA ♪

♪ To be braced in

endless January ♪

♪ Have I become

the cavity I feared? ♪

Ali:

I, I'm all right.

I, I just feel like I'm in a...

One of them old movies.

"It's a Wonderful Life."

(softly):

It's a wonderful life.

Merry Christmas, Imani.

(exhales)

♪ Ask me in 20 years ♪

-(Ali exhales)

-(Rue sighs)

Ali, what am I supposed

to do about Jules?

(grunts)

Miss Marsha?

-Question.

-Yes?

How long you been clean?

Seventeen years,

by the grace of God.

Seventeen years.

Never thought I'd be

able to say that.

But I say it with

a lot of pride.

Seventeen years.

Why?

What would happen if,

uh, you thought about dating

in the early stages

of you trying to get clean?

You want to know if I was

interested in dating,

or if I was interested

in getting clean?

'Cause the answer is "yes"

to both of those questions.

But...

I had to not be

in a relationship,

so that I could focus

on my sobriety.

Because that's what I wanted,

and I didn't have enough energy

for both of those.

And I wanted to get clean.

Everything that's good to you

ain't always good for you.

Ali: What do you have to say

to somebody who doesn't

have a whole lot of hope?

When I was a little girl

growing up,

my grandma used to

always have this saying,

and I never understood

what it meant...

until I was ready to get clean.

And her words were,

"Baby, trouble don't

last always."

And it doesn't,

if you want to make a change.

That's up to you.

You got any more

questions for me

while I'm trying to

count my tips?

Ali:

Nah, count 'em.

Imma throw

a couple more in there later.

-Miss Marsha: You need to,

with your cheap ass.

-(Ali laughs)

(Rue chuckles softly)

Ali:

That's the truth, right there.

(sighs)

You know...

It's funny, when

I think about it.

I still blame Jules

for all this shit.

Ali:

Why?

'Cause...

I was clean.

And I was, like,

gonna stay clean.

And for the most part,

I was pretty happy, so...

-And fuckin' Jules--

-Ali: Wait, wait.

You were gonna stay clean?

-Yeah.

-With pills in your room?

-I wasn't taking them.

-You were saving them.

-Yeah.

-Even though you just said

you were gonna stay clean.

-Uh--

-And that relapsing

was Jules' fault.

Ali, you don't know

what she did to me.

You're right. I don't.

She cheated on me.

When I was sober,

she literally cheated on me.

-I didn't know that.

-Exactly.

So, you were in a relationship.

Yeah.

-I thought you two

were just friends.

-No.

Huh. When did it shift?

Uh, the night of the carnival,

she came over,

and we, like,

kissed a whole bunch.

Okay, but when did it

become a relationship?

I just told you.

That night.

-It became a relationship

that night.

-Yeah.

So it wasn't just kissing.

You two talked about

being together.

What? That's so weird.

What?

Why would we talk about it?

Because that's how people

get into relationships, Rue.

They talk about it.

(scoffs)

I mean, we said "I love you."

A lot.

I say "I love you"

to my barber.

Okay, yeah, but you don't

make out with your barber.

Even if I did, my barber

might assume it was

just a casual thing.

We talked about getting

matching tattoos

on the inside of our lips.

Damn.

Did you?

No, but we,

we talked about it.

Okay. (laughs)

Keep going.

I mean, there's nothing else

to say, you know?

Except that I loved her.

I trusted her.

And when I look back at it,

you know, just,

it's like she lied to me.

(chuckles)

And, uh, manipulated me.

Right.

Like the whole thing

at the train station.

Her trying to get me

to run away with her,

even though I was,

um, scared, and...

didn't have my medication...

Just kind of fucked up,

and selfish.

I didn't think she

was actually gonna go.

You know, like, leave me.

It just kind of set

something off in my head,

you know?

Thinking about my whole life,

how...

people make all these

fucking promises.

My mom kissing me

on the forehead, and...

telling me my dad's

gonna be all right.

And Jules talking about

how we're gonna live together

when she goes off to college

and sleep in the same bed,

and be together forever.

And then she ditches me.

'Cause she met another girl.

Just...

made me think about

how everyone lies.

It's not even the lies

that hurt, you know?

It's the fact that you're never

really emotionally prepared

for someone to leave you.

Just kind of messed up.

And it just started, like,

this avalanche of shit,

about maybe I deserve it.

Maybe this is the

universe's punishment

for me being a piece of shit

my entire life.

Stealing from my mom.

Hitting her in the face.

(exhales)

That's what I've done, Ali.

I have, I have hit my mom

in the face.

I picked up a piece of glass,

and I pointed it at my mom

and I threatened to kill her.

(scoffs)

That is some unforgivable shit.

Maybe I deserve

to get my ass left

at a train station

at 1:00 a.m., you know?

Drugs change who you are

as a person.

Every time

I attacked my mom,

I wasn't high.

Drugs change who you are

as a person.

(whispers):

It's still unforgivable.

Nah. It's not.

-Come on.

-If I actually believe that

what you did was unforgivable,

I wouldn't be sitting here,

because what I've done

in my life,

is way more unforgivable.

(chuckles)

Yeah, right. No.

Ah. I said it before.

I'll say it again.

You're playing pool

with Minnesota Fats.

Maybe if I was some

random-ass classmate of yours

with no life experience,

and I heard that you

picked up a piece of glass

and threatened your mom,

I'd be like, "Ooh,

that's unforgivable."

But the more you believe that,

the sicker it makes you,

because every time you

do something unforgivable,

you think, "Why change?

I'm just a piece of shit.

I better keep going.

What's the difference now?"

Without realizing that

forgiveness is the key

to change.

We're too busy running around

judging everybody's intentions

and motivations

as if we have some insight

into the human soul.

You know, "You did this,

so that must mean you're that."

Just give me a break.

Ali, I picked up

a piece of glass.

I pointed it at my mom.

And I told her

I was gonna kill her.

Right.

That's fucking terrible.

But what's it mean?

Means that I'm a piece of shit.

-Look deeper.

-I am.

Nah. You're not.

Look deeper.

Ali, that sounds like a tag line

for a dumb fucking movie.

So just because it doesn't

sound cool enough to you,

you're gonna settle

for being superficial?

That's unforgivable.

Look deeper. What's it mean?

That I'm violent

to someone I love.

Okay, okay.

Why?

Because that's who I am.

I don't know what that means.

It means that

I'm okay with that.

Are you?

That's what it says.

But are you okay with that?

No.

So, it's not who you are.

Yeah, well, I still did it.

But why are you not

okay with it?

-Because it's a terrible

fucking thing to do.

-Why?

Because it's shitty.

It's cruel, and it's mean,

and my mom doesn't deserve that.

-Those are all things

you believe.

-Yes.

-And your beliefs are

part of who you are.

-Yes, of course.

So what you're saying is,

is that you can

simultaneously do something

that you also believe is wrong.

(sighs) Well,

doesn't you doing it

mean more than

your intentions?

It all depends.

Why are you ignoring all

the things you believe?

'Cause I wasn't thinking.

Okay, but that could

just be the struggle

of all human beings.

-What?

-Living up to their

belief system.

Not all human beings

threaten to kill their mom.

True. Yours is more extreme.

I'll give you that.

But why?

-Why is it more extreme?

-Yeah.

I don't know.

'Cause of, like, drugs, and...

certain emotional disorders.

You sure it's that,

and not just because

you're a terrible person?

-(Rue chuckles)

-I mean, 'cause

it could just be

because you're

a piece of shit.

-No, it's not that.

-I mean, 'cause there's

a lot of people with

drug issues and emotional issues

that don't threaten to kill

their mothers.

Yeah, no. I know.

But you did.

And your punishment,

the sentence

you're giving yourself

is that you,

Rue Bennett,

are beyond forgiveness.

That punishment

is way too harsh,

and it's also way too easy.

It allows you to keep doing

exactly what you're doing

without changing,

because you deserve it.

There's no hope.

You're beyond forgiveness.

So you may as well just

fuck the fuck off forever

and go down the gutter

because that's what this girl,

this piece of shit, deserves.

This is why the world

keeps getting worse.

People keep doing shit

that we deem unforgivable,

and in return, they decide

there's no reason to change.

So now you got a whole bunch

of people running around

who don't give a fuck

about redemption.

That's scary.

Ali, what have you done

that's so terrible?

A lot.

-But what? For real.

-A lot.

-You're not just saying that?

-Nah.

You promise?

Why do you want to know?

Because I think you're,

like, a good person.

And I just couldn't imagine you,

like, doing something terrible.

I grew up in a house where

my dad used to beat on my mama.

He was a drunken,

cold son of a bitch.

And every night, I lay in bed

dreaming of every

which way to kill him.

(clicks tongue)

But eventually,

my mama up and left him

and took me and my sister

with her, and life goes on.

But I always said to myself

that no matter how bad shit got,

whether I was shooting dope

or smoking crack,

I would never,

ever be like my dad.

And then I, I got married.

I had two girls.

It was chaos.

I was using,

and my wife wasn't having it.

We were fighting every night.

And it got physical.

And, uh,

one night I looked over

and I see my two little

girls watching.

And I thought,

here I am,

a grown man with two girls,

and they just watched me

hit their mom in the face.

I spent 30 years of my life...

thinking of how to kill my dad

for doing the same shit

I just did to their mom.

That's rock bottom.

It doesn't get

any worse than that.

But, hey, it took me

another five years to clean up,

because for some people,

there is no rock bottom.

It's bottomless.

And the truth is,

drugs will fundamentally change

who you are as a human being.

Every moral. Every principle.

Everything you hold

close to your heart,

and believe in,

will go out the window

or down the drain.

'Cause there's no force

stronger on planet Earth

than that next fix.

Now, you may be functioning.

Maybe things go well.

Maybe they last.

And maybe they don't.

But the one thing I know is true

is that the longer you do drugs,

the more you're gonna lose.

And not just in terms of

the things you love,

but the things you value

about yourself.

And every compromise you make,

every moral line that you cross,

you'll go further and further,

until you don't recognize

who the fuck you are.

And that list of

racing thoughts,

that list of

unforgivable things,

it grows longer.

And gets uglier.

You still think

I'm a good person?

Yeah.

The thought of maybe

being a good person

is what keeps me

trying to be a good person.

Although,

some people might

disagree with you.

My youngest daughter, for one.

What's her name?

Marie.

Ali?

Yeah?

I just don't really

plan on being here that long.

And that's, um...

That's the tough part

about all this, you know?

'Cause, I, I,

I love talking to you.

I do.

And I agree with, um,

almost everything you're saying.

And I understand it.

But, um...

I just don't plan on

being here that long.

I get it.

We're living in dark times.

Huh. Not a lot of

hope out there.

(scoffs)

The thing I miss

about doing drugs...

is the beauty.

No matter what's going on

in the world,

no matter what's going on

in your life,

everything is gonna be okay.

Yeah.

The world's just really

fuckin' ugly, you know?

It's really fuckin' ugly,

and, um...

Everybody seems to be

okay with it, you know?

The anger.

The level of anger.

Everyone's just out to make

everyone else not seem human.

And I don't really

want to be a part of it.

I don't even want to witness it.

Sure, it's not, like,

the root of all my problems,

but I definitely

think about it. A lot.

Because thinking

about those questions,

those ideas,

they're a large part of, uh...

what makes this life

worth living.

Right?

That's what I was

talking about earlier.

You gotta believe

in the poetry.

The value of two people sitting

in a diner on Christmas Eve,

talking about life,

addiction,

loss.

You don't want to be

a part of it, Rue, because...

you care about

the big things in life.

I don't know if I care about

the big things in life.

Come on now,

of course you do

because you obviously don't

care about the small things,

like being right,

or being angry.

All the things that

kill curiosity

and keeps us from...

keeps us all from

looking deeper.

You said it earlier.

I love talking to you.

Because we talk about

the real shit.

Shit that matters.

Like, who do you want to be

when you leave this Earth?

I'm not really sure I follow.

You said you weren't

gonna be here much longer.

Okay. Then?

How do you want your mom

and sister to remember you?

(clicks tongue)

(sniffles)

As someone who tried really hard

to be someone I couldn't.

(sniffles)

I got faith in you.

(exhales sharply, sniffles)

Why?

I don't know.

I just do.

Granted, I was a Christian

before I became a Muslim,

so, I've been wrong before.

(laughs)

-Thanks. (laughs)

-(Ali chuckles)

(sighs)

(sniffles)

("Ave Maria" playing)

(rain pattering)

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria, gratia plena ♪

♪ Ave, ave Dominus ♪

♪ Dominus tecum ♪

♪ Benedicta ♪

♪ Tu in mulieribus ♪

♪ Et benedictus ♪

♪ Et benedictus ♪

♪ Fructus ventris ♪

♪ Ventris tui, Jesus ♪

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Benedicta ♪

♪ Tu in mulieribus ♪

♪ Et benedictus ♪

♪ Et benedictus ♪

♪ Fructus ventris ♪

♪ Ventris tui, Jesus ♪

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪

(song crescendos, ends)

(windshield wipers clack)

("All for Us"

by Labrinth playing)

♪ Too much in my system ♪

♪ Money M.I.A. ♪

♪ Mama making ends meet ♪

♪ Working like a slave ♪

♪ Daddy ain't at home, no ♪

♪ Gotta be a man ♪

♪ Do it for my homegrowns ♪

♪ Do it for my fam ♪

♪ Ay, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Just for your love,

yeah, I'll, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Give you the world,

oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Mona Lisa's smile,

Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Hey,

Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Hell, I'll do

twenty-five to life ♪

♪ If it makes me your king ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ A star in your eyes,

oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, doing it all for love ♪

♪ Doing it all ♪

♪ Doing it all for love ♪