Original subtitles

Whee! Whee!

Whoo!

* We girls of the chorus have a rocky road before us *

* Theatrical history clearly discloses *

* The life of a chorus girl is no bed of roses *

* We girls of the chorus have a rocky road before us *

* Kickin' around from town to town *

* Boarding houses, cheap hotels Eating a lot of junk *

* That grease paint pancake world of ours *

* Is built on top of a wardrobe trunk *

* We girls of the chorus have so many men adore us *

* Adore us and implore us Goodness gracious how they bore us *

* Stage-door Johnnys with romantic ambitions *

* Their warm proposals are cold *

* Propositions **

Broadway "Jeannie" of the lamp.

Last night at the Winter Garden opening of Mike Todd's Little Miss Mischief,

little Miss Jeannie Laird stepped out of the chorus line...

and into the spotlight to become an overnight star.

She knocked them on their proverbial ear.

Blasé hard-boiled first-nighters stood up and cheered,

including your reporter.

* The Great White Way *

* Love the temple of the Great White Way *

* There is nothing in the world as gay as Broadway *

* Unless it's London London *

* Jolly old London at play *

* There's bound to be *

* Lots of gaiety in gay Paris *

* But there's nothing like *

* The temple of the street I love *

* No matter where I roam *

* For the Great White Way *

* Is my home, sweet home **

* Through all the years *

* There was one little wish *

* That I most highly prized *

* And now at last *

* At long, long last *

* My wish is *

* Fully realized *

* Ho-hum, ho-hum ho-hum, ho-hum *

* My wandering days are ever over *

* I'm glad I lost the urge to roam *

* Now I can give my dreams a permanent address *

* And give my happiness a home *

* Ho-hum, ho-hum ho-hum, ho-hum *

* She's gonna give her dreams a permanent address *

* And give her happiness a home *

Hold it, Miss Laird. Thank you very much, Miss Laird.

Are you planning a show? How about the movies?

Wait a minute. Can you give us a story, Miss Laird?

- You bet I can. - Quote?

* Got a quiet little place in the country *

* Love the music of a front doorbell * Sounds swell.

* It's a rambling paradise of just one story *

* That's one story that I'm proud to tell *

* Got a quiet little place in the country *

* Got a neighbor droppin' in to chat * Hold that!

* While a pretty kitty cat that I call Susan *

* Lies a-snoozin' on the welcome mat *

* I'm gonna gather my friends and bring 'em *

* To a rustic cottage small *

* Where I can swing my gingham *

* And tack a funny picture on the wall *

* With maybe one bush and one tree *

* A shady picnic fun tree *

* Just a quiet little place in the country *

* That's all * No men?

* Ho-hum ** What then?

That's all. Bye.

Hey, Jeannie! Hello! Excuse me.

Yoo-hoo! Honey! Honey, we're over here!

Mmm. I didn't expect to see you here.

After making that dough he's not gonna let you spend, why shouldn't he? He loves you!

I'm here as a friend, not as a businessman.

Besides sweet, how are you, Reed? Took a streetcar instead of a cab.

Saved a buck. He feels great. Rosie, quit it, please.

I'm not even gonna speak about money. I promised myself this morning.

I just came down to help you through customs. That's fine, darling.

Only? You didn't exactly stick to the budget I put you on.

You didn't expect me to live on $10 a week in Paris, did you?

Why not? Paris is no different than New York. It's just Frencher.

Come on. I've arranged to have customs go through your bags.

Yes, I know. That's wonderful.

Rosie, you look great. Wonderful. Yeah? Hey!

Wait till I inherit those clothes! Appleton, if you could dig what this costs,

you'd get indigestion from the lunch you didn't buy me.

How was London? Oh, wonderful.

How was Paris? Very exciting.

Was your performance at the Palladium sensational? Oh, yes.

Some French postcards you sent. The Eiffel Tower-- Come on.

You'll be happy I managed to unfreeze your pounds and francs, transfer them into dollars--

Never mind. There's only one thing I wanna know. How is my house?

Oh, all right. Here it is.

The bill of sale. Yours. Lock, stock and barrel.

The barrel was wholesale. Mmm!

121 Esplanade, Scarsdale, New York. Oh, it sounds good.

This is all okay, Miss Laird. Thank you very much. Come on. Let's go.

Oh, the keys. Thank you.

Uh, I haven't been. I'm here already.

Driver, take care of the bags, please.

Well, how do you like it? Well, I didn't quite expect anything--

Did you ever see such a modern house? The last word. Really classical lines.

So has Grant's Tomb.

Frankenstein slept here.

Electronic.

* Just a quiet little place *

* In the country *

* There's a pretty kitty cat *

* That I call Susan * Watch.

It works.

Why? Well, it's supposed to represent the abstract of the, uh--

the, uh--

Well, it was expensive.

* Just a rustic cottage small **

What do you think of that? Swell. What is it?

Flycatcher? It's a mobile by Seminovich Boroskowsky.

Of course, you can't understand it, but it's a wonderful investment.

I could sell that tomorrow at a profit if you got in trouble. Honey.

Hmm? Get in trouble.

Well, it's little things like this that make a house a home.

What is this? That's a fireplace.

Fireplace? Where's the chimney? Pyro-matic. Watch.

Winter.

Summer.

Well, look around. Come on. Look around. Have you seen the patio?

Oh, at least there's a bar.

Yes, and it's custom-built.

Is there something I can do for you?

Oh, no. No, thanks. I was just looking, thanks.

Are you a guest? Who, me? Oh, no, I'm the owner. This is mine.

Who are you? Well, in that case, I am your general factotum.

Oh. Hmm? Your butler, Miss Laird.

My name is Samuels. Oh.

Well, I guess we'll be seeing a lot of one another, huh?

It's likely.

It was nice to have met you, Samuels--

If there's anything that madam wishes, you may call me.

I know, dear. Just one of those nights.

So I said to him, "Listen, honey, let's face it.

"You're about as sharp as a wet blotter.

Every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it."

If you could do the same, sir, you'd spare the furniture considerably.

You know, Rosie, I've been thinking about you, and I think--

Do you really have to wear these things, honestly?

If you don't like 'em, I've got another pair. Oh?

Huh? Yeah.

Say, you know what you'd look good with? What?

A Seeing Eye dog. Thanks.

Oh, Pops, what are you wasting your time for? Gosh, I'm not your type.

I'm just a happy slob, and I don't need a business manager.

What you need is a husband.

What I need is a drink.

* If I love you a mountain *

* Can't you love me just a tiny hill *

* If I love you a meadow *

* Can't you love me just a daffodil *

* If I need you a symphony *

* To underscore the mood I'm in *

* Can't you need me a serenade *

* Played on a lonely violin *

* If I want you the whole wide world *

* Can't you want me just a lovers' lane *

* If I miss you an ocean *

* Can't you miss me just a drop of April rain *

* Are you my forevermore *

* Forevermore you are *

* So if I love you all heaven *

* Can't you love me *

* Just an evening star **

Thanks. Uh-uh. Now wait a minute.

It's going real good. Is it?

It is indeed. So let's forget it for a minute and concentrate on your favorite producer.

Oh! Oh, my goodness! What is this? Pigeons!

Oh, for heaven sakes. Reed! Evelyn!

Samuels! Somebody! Oh, look what they're doing! Look at that!

What in the name of Dun and Bradstreet? I didn't arrange this.

Yes, miss. You called me? Get him off of you. Get him off.

It doesn't wish to go, miss. But whose are they?

Who do they belong to? What do they want?

They belong to the people next door. Do you wish me to lodge a complaint?

Yes, if that's what it takes to get them to go home. Lodge it.

Very well, madam. Look what they're doing.

Now, take it easy. Oh!

Shoo! Shoo! Get out of here!

Jeannie, step right up and call me "birdbrain."

They're going back now. Fine. Samuels, what happened?

I delivered an ultimatum, madam. I said, quote,

"Either the birds take wing, or we shall dine on roast squab."

There'll be no further incident. Thank heaven. Can we eat now?

Very well, madam. Good. You must be starving, Harold.

- Uh, young man. - **

- Supper is served! - **

No, no, no! Samuels! Yes?

Never mind. This time I'll lodge the complaint myself.

Oh!

I want to talk to somebody.

What's holding you back?

Nothing's holding me back except you. You murderers.

Look, I've got a new house. I'm giving a party. I've got people.

I've waited for years for the house, the party and the people,

and you're wrecking it.

First, we're set upon by pigeons.

Then we're knocked on our rockers by cinders and fumes!

And now-- Look! We're being smoked out like hams in a market.

Well, it's got to stop, or else!

Or else. Or else what?

I-I didn't have to be so mean.

Oh, well, you weren't so mean.

I didn't have to yell at you. It's all right.

Makes you feel better.

Well, anyway, I'm sorry. We're sorry too... about your party.

I think this thing has stopped smoking.

Well, it was your fault in the first place. Joe.

That's something you say before somebody says they're sorry, not after.

Oh.

That's an awful pretty dress. Thanks.

Say, how is it my fault? You were making way too much--

Just technically. We were asleep and the music woke us up. It woke the pigeons up too.

They got curious and decided to see what it was all about.

Don't you worry. As soon as we have our hamburgers, we'll go right back to sleep.

Want one? We only made four, and Benny, Lowlife and I have eaten ours.

That's right. No point in being too neighborly too soon.

- Want half? - No, thanks.

- Can I have a rain check? - Sure, anytime.

Our name's Carter. I'm Bill, this is Joe, and that's Lowlife.

I'm Jeannie Laird. How do you do?

How do. Nice party?

Wonderful. Gee, I've got to get back to it.

Uh, nice Jeannie. Nice, nice.

Listen, he's the one who's barking, not me.

Shh. Nice Jeannie. Sit down.

Jeannie Laird, this is Benny the Dip. How do you do?

Shh. I've got to go.

Cold? Cold.

That was a pretty sappy thing you said-- That was a pretty dress.

Why? It was. All the same.

It's a good thing we straightened up the house a little.

Hey. Hi.

Tell me something. Do you always sleep out there in the yard?

Quite often.

Doesn't your wife mind? Haven't got one.

- She's dead. - Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right. It happened a long time ago, when he was a very little boy.

Who takes care of him? I take care of him.

Well, I help a little.

If there's anything wrong with his manners or the state of his neck, blame me.

You mean, you live here all alone, just the two of you?

Yes, the two of us. And the pigeons, Benny the Dip, Lowlife,

Moe the toad, Pete the turtle, Freddy the frog...

and there's two garter snakes we haven't named yet.

- We haven't found out if they're boys or girls. - You forgot Binky.

Yeah, I did. He's the canary upstairs.

Oh.

Well, good night. Good night.

What's she being sorry for us for?

Well, women always feel sorry for men without women.

Why? You should see how it is in the other kids' houses where they do have 'em.

You gotta eat when you're not hungry.

You gotta take baths when you feel like staying dirty. It's pretty gruesome.

They think it's good for your character to do things you don't wanna do.

I'm surprised men live with women so much.

How is my character?

I like it.

Well, then. She's got a lot of nerve feeling sorry for us, hasn't she?

Yeah.

You wouldn't want one around, would you, Dad?

Me? Nah. Just clutter up the place.

* I like to shoot a tin can target with a B.B. gun *

* So do I *

* Like father like son *

* I like to pick the big black raisins off a hot cross bun *

* So do I *

* Like father like son *

* Like to fish or swim or take a hike with you *

* Wrestle, play catch or ride a bike with you *

* Everything we like we like alike *

* Excepting girls with whom I don't care to bother *

* Like son like father *

* I'd rather have a pal than a gal *

* Anytime *

* I'd rather have a chum than a pretty yummy-yum *

* Anytime *

* When a frail starts coyly grinnin' *

* She's out to do some winnin' *

* And you know that a frail *

* Is a synonym for trouble *

* Double trouble *

* I'd rather have a pal than a gal *

* Anytime *

* So if you're thinkin' damewise *

* Play your game wise *

* And give your thinkin' plenty of time *

* Oh, of life I've made a study *

* And I would rather have a buddy *

* Than a female * * Fuddy-duddy *

* Anytime *

**

* Oh, of life I've made a study *

* And I would rather have a buddy *

* Than a female * * Fuddy-duddy *

* Anytime *

* Except when that moon is shinin' *

* And a lonely heart is pinin' *

* Then I'd rather have a gal than a pal *

* Anytime *

* Anytime **

Anytime.

Maybe we ought to do one on the piano. All right.

- Up on the piano. - Okay.

- Ah, that's pretty. - All right?

China up. Just a hair. That's all!

**

- Hey! Hold it, Jeannie! - Okay.

Hold. Well-- Will you be home for dinner this evening, Miss Laird?

No, I'm dining out tonight. Excellent, Miss Laird.

And, Samuels? Would you please fix some coffee for the boys?

Jeannie. Uh, if you wish, madam.

Mr. Fields wants to know if you'll meet him at 21 at 6:00? Yes, fine.

And you've read the Bayberry Room contract? Yes, the terms are just swell.

Let's have a little action now, Jeannie.

Whoop. Sorry. Watch it, Tarzan.

What's the matter? I had a little accident last night.

Ran into a fifth of scotch. Hungover?

And back. Ah.

What's with you? Well, I'm Bill Carter from next door.

W-With the pigeons and the Indian smoke signals?

Guilty.

Hey, Jeannie. Look what flew over the wall-- the keeper of the zoo.

Samuels will give you some coffee, boys. I'll be right back.

That's a very good stock. The market is very bullish.

Hi. Hi there. How are you?

What can I do for you? I'll leave before he answers that.

Oh. I've kind of an embarrassing question to ask you.

Oh, I didn't think there were any left. See, I do a strip.

What? I do a strip.

I guess I heard you the first time. Oh. Oh, no.

This is for the comics. You know, for the Express.

Oh. Funnies.

What I thought you meant was pretty funny too. Yeah, I can see that.

Well, anyway, it's all about Joe and me and the whole neighborhood,

and I'd like to use you in it.

Me? Oh. Well, how?

Well, the subject is "Who has bought the house next door?"

- Demons? - No.

Goblins? No.

Giants? No!

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you the only jet-propelled...

fairy princess in captivity.

Oh, isn't that darling?

But why am I jet-propelled?

Well, it's 'cause everything you do is so fast. You know--

Whoo! You're here. Ffft! You're there.

Do you always work that hard? You haven't seen anything.

You should see me on a normal day.

Like this coming Monday. I start rehearsals in the morning for a new show,

and at night I open at the Bayberry Room for a week.

What a life. What do you mean? I love it.

Besides, everybody works. Why, I'll bet you draw millions of these every day.

No. Just four little boxes just that big.

What do you do with the rest of your time? You must be kidding.

No. I have a son.

He uses up all his time using up all my time. Have you ever been a father?

No, I haven't. Well, it's a full-time job, believe me.

You see, there's talks. There's games and school.

Then there's the proper use of the "T" formation.

How to keep your left hand up high.

And then, of course, the art and science of washing behind the ears.

Right now we're planning a vacation.

You need a vacation from one little boy and four little boxes a day?

Everybody needs a vacation. You ought to try one. Oh, I don't need one.

**

What do you do for fun? I work.

You call that fun? Try it.

Well, you're doin' all right.

* Dee-doodly do, do, do, do *

* Dee-doodly do, do, do, do, do, do *

* Well, well, well You're doin' all right *

Now wait a minute. Wait a minute!

This dress is much too expensive for you.

* Quite true *

* Quite true *

* There's an old, old saying which clearly paints my point of view *

* There are many, many things that folks do need *

But they don't need as much as they think they do.

* They measure their luck by that extra buck *

* Better known as folding green *

* Do you want me to draw you a picture *

* Or do you know just what I mean *

* Quite true Quite true *

* You don't need as much as you think you do *

* You've got an old hat You got an old suit *

* You got your rent * * And enough for a sip and a bite *

* Dee-doodly do, do, do, do *

* You're doin' all right *

* You got a new house You got a new car *

* I've got a brand new moon that's shining so bright *

* Dee-doodly do, do, do, do *

* You're doin' all right *

* You can say what you wanna say Pray where you wanna pray *

* Find your place in the sun *

Just take a little and leave a little.

* There's plenty for everyone *

* You've got an old joke * * You got an old song *

* You got a friend or two around on a Saturday night *

* And if you do what you're doin' real well *

* Well You're doin' all right *

* Dee-doodly do, do, do, do *

* Dee-doodly do, do, do, do, do, do *

* Come on We're goin' dancin' *

* What's that You say you won't *

What do you mean? You can't afford it?

* New shoes pinch * * But old shoes don't *

* Come on Forget your troubles *

* 'Tain't worth a bag of beans *

* That jingle in your heart *

* Means more than the jingle in your jeans *

* You got an old suit You got an old hat *

* You're doin' all right *

* And if you do what you're doin' real well *

* And if you do what you're doin' real well *

* And if you do what you're doin' real well *

* Well, well You're doin' all right **

Well, that was fun. What do we do now?

I never knew I had two left feet. Hey, Rosie, did ya see me?

Do you wanna make a career out of it? No, thanks.

I think I'd better stick to my funny papers.

Maybe I can teach you somethin' sometime. Maybe so.

You forgot your sketch. That's yours. You keep it.

Oh, thank you. Are you leaving on your vacation soon?

Well, pretty soon. Not right away though. Why?

Just asking. Oh.

Well, so long. I had fun. Bye.

Hi! Hi there.

Can I cash in my rain check? Sure. What rain check?

Remember the half a hamburger you offered me the other night? Oh, sure.

Well, I'm starved. My butler just gave me the creeps.

We're gonna eat inside by the fire. It's chilly here.

Go set another place when you take that salad in.

Joe, isn't that a Caesar salad? Yeah.

Mmm. Don't tell me a little boy like you knows how to make one?

He's just figuring how much you'll eat and deducting it from his share. That's all.

Why do you have a creepy butler? Don't be silly.

Why do you think I worked so hard to get somewhere if not to have a creepy butler?

As much fun as you'd thought it'd be? You're darn tootin'.

That's not the right answer. Now that you are somewhere,

why, you're supposed to find it empty.

Your heart is breaking. You'd give anything to be back...

in that little cold-water walk-up flat again.

Not me, neighbor. I love every minute of it.

No broken heart, huh? Who's got time?

You have time to baste these? Sure. Glad to.

What's baste?

Heads. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Two out of three? Get out.

You sure this is on the level? You've won the last five times.

Oh, I'll help you. No. You let him do 'em.

No sense in you both being miserable.

Still can't get over you two doing everything for yourselves.

Do you know how to plan his meals, make him wash--

What's so funny about that?

Those are things women do. That's why we have our motto.

Joe-- Women are fine, but not in the home.

You're just like all the rest. She's prettier.

There was nothing chintzy about that redhead you used to know.

Get with the dishes. Remind me later to have a talk about the birds and bees.

Again?

I hope you didn't take our little motto personally.

Personally? Me?

Oh, sure. I was planning to move in any day now.

Uh-uh. Not until you learn how to cook.

Can I help you? No.

Can I stay here and talk to you? No.

Can I just watch you? No.

Okay.

Now just follow me, Jeannie. Don't try to lead.

It's pretty simple once you get the hang of it. You stinker.

I'm finished.

What do we do now? You want to see my animals? I'd love to, but--

Let's play drawades. "Drawades"? Sounds like a drink.

Oh, no, it's like charades, only you have to guess a story from a sketch I draw.

Wanna try it? Yes.

All right. Ready? Uh-huh.

Once upon a time--

- there was a little girl. - Yeah.

- And she had red hair. - Nah.

- Blonde? - Getting warmer.

Platinum blonde? You're getting hot.

Goldilocks. "Goldilocks and the Three Bears." Bingo.

Of course that was a snap. Why don't we try something hard now, huh?

I'd love to, Joe, but I have an early call tomorrow. Next time, huh?

Okay. We'll boost you over the wall.

All right.

I said we. Hmm?

This is where I came in. Yeah.

A few more rain checks, we'll have to build a gate in here. I had fun.

So did we. Good night.

Good night. Good night, Joe.

Good night.

You know, I'm going to buy you a new suit.

What color? Blue serge, just like mine.

Sounds like "go visiting relatives" suits to me.

I'm thinking about broadening your horizons. I'm gonna take you on the town Monday night.

Where? Tell you later.

Lots of times when people have things they won't tell you till later...

it's 'cause they're too horrible to tell you now!

**

**

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jeannie Laird.

* It's 3:00 a.m. *

* What happened to my pride again *

* It died again *

* Trying to get somewhere *

* Somewhere with a nowhere guy *

* It's crazy, crazy *

* It's 4:00 a.m. *

* Oh, yes, I'm losing sleep again *

* In deep again *

* Trying to get somewhere *

* Somewhere with a nowhere guy *

* Here am I like a fool *

* Just listenin' *

* Just listenin' for those footsteps *

* Down the hall *

* Just talking to those shadows on the wall *

* And telling them this can't go on *

* That's all I'm through *

* For good Forever *

* Then he'll walk in *

* He'll smile *

* And I'll forgive again *

* And I'll live again *

* Why don't I leave him *

* Oh, it makes no sense *

* To even try *

* He's just *

* A nowhere *

* But without him *

* So am I *

**

* Why don't I leave him *

* Oh, it makes no sense *

* To even try *

* He's just a nowhere *

* But without him *

* So am I **

"Bake, blend, braise, broil. Baste."

To moisten food by spooning liquid over a surface."

How you doin'? Okay. How you doin'?

Sure are a lot of things we need. Yeah.

When are we going? Going where?

To the North Woods-- Canada.

North Woods-- Tomorrow.

That's great. Tomorrow morning.

I heard you. A man can get ridiculous, you know.

It'll be just what I need. Get the cobwebs out.

You feel okay? Sure, I feel okay. You better hit the sack.

Come on, Benny.

Oh, isn't this awful? Well, you can't go through your whole life without some trouble.

Come on, Dad. Wake up. Wake up. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Get down.

Where you going? We're going to the North Woods-- Canada. You said so.

What time is it? Well, it's almost 6:00.

Oh, come on. I've made breakfast...

and packed the animals and me and you too.

We're all ready.

Joe, uh--

But you said so. Yeah.

But, uh, Joe, last night I decided to syndicate the strip.

You know what that means. It'll be in a lot more papers and lot more people will see it.

Of course, there's a few things I have to do. Take a couple of days.

Well, it won't take too long?

Oh, no. A few days. A week at the most.

We will be going. Sure, we're going.

'Cause you said so in the strip that we'd be going, and you said...

we'd be sending stuff back from Canada, and we can't do that if we're not there.

And then it wouldn't be true, and our strip is true.

Yeah, that's right, Joe. Okay.

Joe? Yeah?

- Not sore, are you? - Heck, no.

It's just as bad for you as it is for me.

Yeah.

Hi, Joe. Oh, hi.

Somebody sick? Oh, no, uh--

Joe, I'd like to have you meet Evelyn. Evelyn, this is Joe.

Good evening, Master Joseph.

Master Joseph?

- Hi there. - Hi.

Hey, you goin' someplace? Didn't you tell him?

Oh, I've been so busy I didn't get a chance.

Joe, you know the syndication thing, that was Jeannie's idea.

I wanna talk to her about it. The only chance she's got is between shows,

so I thought I'd go into town with her.

Yes, and Evelyn is going to stay with you.

You mean you got me a babysitter?

Let me talk to you.

She can cook, can't she? Yeah.

What about washing the dishes? I get you. Yeah, sure!

You don't mind at all, do you? No, not at all.

You guys better be hittin' the road. Yes, it's getting late.

See you later, sport.

Well, hi, buster.

Hi there. Well, hello, Bill.

How's my dancin' partner? Just bullish.

How ya doin' with our girl? None of your business.

At least he isn't a kiss-and-tell, huh?

She'll be right out. She's almost through changing.

Say, does Jeannie ever complain of a certain lack of privacy?

She never seemed to need any, up to now.

- That's what makes you so interesting. - Hi, Bill.

Hiya, Jeannie. Didn't take too long, did I?

Yeah, but it was worth it. Rosie and I are goin' up to Harlem.

I've got a great idea. Why don't you join us?

Liked your first idea better. Why don't you two go?

You wanted me to talk to Bill about syndicating his cartoon strip.

That's right. Maybe we'll join you later.

Come on, honey. I think they want us to be alone.

Come on. Let's go count your money, huh?

Okay? I think you handled that very diplomatically.

Thank you. Just about like a steam shovel.

Got the same results. Yep.

Well, what'll we do? Why don't we try being alone again?

All right. Where? Here.

Here? Oh, but the place is all closed up.

What do you have when you're open? Just a lot of people and some music.

And we don't want the people. No, but we do need the music.

Yes, we do.

**

Lovely, but loud. Oh, too loud?

Yes. You'd like soft music.

Mm-hmm. Gentlemen, just strings this time.

**

** Mmm, that's pretty.

Or maybe you had in mind something like this-- A little dark place--

A very mysterious guy playing piano with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

**

Out of tune. What's happened to you?

* I'm mad about the girl next door *

* The girl next door to me *

**

* Oh, how I wish and I pray *

* That she would be more much more *

* Than just neighborly * **

* I'm mad, I'm mad I'm crazy for *

* The girl next door to me *

* To borrow a book I may make a call * **

* But I really don't want a book at all *

* Just wanna look at that face *

* Oh, that face Oh, that fabulous face *

* And when I gaze at that grin *

* I go spinning right out of the place *

** * Say, I'd fight any fella for *

* The girl next door to me *

* Someday she may wear a special smile *

* For a special walk down a special aisle *

* And I'll be perplexed if I'm not standing next to the girl next door *

**

**

**

**

Oh, and Bill, what Reed said-- the syndication-- I'm sure he'll take care of it.

I know it.

Well, good night! Oh, good night.

Good night.

Call you.

Dad!

She shampooed my hair and rinsed it four times!

Sorry. And she clipped my toenails like I didn't know how!

And she told me a bedtime story! How did I know she was an imbecile?

Dad, you just gotta promise me that she'll never get me again.

Okay. No matter what she says.

No matter what she says, I promise, okay? Okay.

For of life, I've made a study,

and I would rather have... a buddy...

than a female fuddy-duddy...

anytime. Anytime?

Anytime.

End of the line. Everybody out!

Yahoo! Joe! Look at that!

Hey, Benny, Lowlife, look!

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. We're gonna catch some fish today.

All right, fellas, catch.

Alley-oop!

Alley-oop! Alley-oop!

Alley-oop! Alley-oop!

Alley-oop.

Benny, front and center!

Hey, Joe! Come on, will you?

I'm comin'!

Let's go! Bye.

**

Look at 'em, Dad! Hundreds! Thousands!

Mmm, yeah. This looks like a pretty good spot.

I got one! I'll say you have! I got one too!

Boy, what a beauty! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. They're bitin' today!

Benny, y'all show me how to catch a fish?

Well, fishing is an art, Lowlife-- an exact science.

There are three qualities that mark the true fisherman.

Number one. Pole in the proper position.

Number two. Peace of mind.

Number three. And patience!

Number four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14--

Twenty-nine. Limit.

This is the life. Smell that air, Joe.

Yeah. Boy, is this ever fun!

What was that?

Must've been a whopper. Ooh! It is a whopper. And I got it!

Hey, what happened, Joe? She-She--

Achoo! I-- I got it now.

It must be Old Moose Head. It is Moose Head! Look! Joe!

It's mine! She took it! The witch did it.

- Which witch? - She's down there!

I saw her! Down there!

Ah, you're seein' things.

Must've sprung a leak.

She did it! Spoiled our fun. She did it!

Huh? Who? Huh?

Hey, it's Jeannie.

Why, Bill Carter,

you've caught the biggest fish in the lake.

Just for that, you get a great big kiss.

Hmph. Always kissin'.

We caught a fish too.

Do we get a reward?

Why, of course.

I'm giving a party at my house, and you're invited.

A party, a party. We're going to a party.

But, Dad! We came up here to get away from dames!

All aboard!

Dad, Benny, Lowlife! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Joe? Aw, go away.

No.

What's the matter, Joe? It's my father.

Oh, is he dead? No. He's done something.

Something bad? You don't have to tell me, but if you do, I won't tell anyone.

Look at this.

But you're not in Canada. And our strip's supposed to be true.

People will see this, and they'll believe it.

I don't know what's the matter with him lately.

Yes, I do. It's her. He kissed her.

Not like on your birthday. He kissed her funny-like.

She'll hook 'im. Then they'll send you away to camp. You'll see.

I don't care. But why does he have to do it like this?

It's just a big lie! That's terrible to have your father be a liar.

Mine lies to me sometimes. Well, mine's lyin' to thousands and thousands of people.

They oughta know about it. You oughta tell 'em.

I couldn't squeal on him.

Otherwise it'll just go on and on. You know how it is when you don't get caught.

Kinda like cheatin' in school, huh?

After a while, he'll get to be no good at all.

Boy, I'll bet if his boss knew about that on the paper, he'd be plenty sore.

That'd be good. He'd say, "You stop lyin' or I'll tell the people."

That way I wouldn't be squealin' so much, would I? No, not much at all.

Besides, if you put it in a letter, you wouldn't even have to sign your name.

Hmm. I'll do it. Good.

I have to go now.

Thanks a lot, Kitty.

You been real nice for a girl. Bye.

** I'll be right back.

Bill! Boy, am I glad to see you. I didn't even know you cared.

I've gotta talk to you about something very important.

Look. One night let's not talk about syndication, the Yankee dollar or my strip.

Oh, that. That's all settled. King Features-- They're drawing up the contracts.

Scotch and water. But this is very vital. It's about community property.

Community property? Yeah. Rosie and me. I asked her to marry me.

And, well, she didn't exactly say no.

That's a step in the right direction. What do I do now?

What do you do now? Romance her. Soft lights, sweet music.

Where is she? She's out on the terrace.

That's a natural. Go dance with her. Sing in her ear.

But what should I sing? Sing anything you know. One of those songs Jeannie sings.

Which one? Well, like "You." That's a pretty song.

I don't remember the words. Well, I do. I've been listenin' to them for days.

Go ahead. I'll be right behind you. Well, okay.

**

Hi. Hi.

Remember what you said about my glasses?

Oh, stop it. Huh?

Don't just stand there. Say something.

Well, I-- You walk by and I behold a lovely day.

* You walk by and I behold a lovely day *

A lovely day begins-- * A lovely day begins and ends with you *

You appear, and I'm so near to early spring.

* You appear and I'm so near to early spring *

And you're the "you"-- * And you're the "you" in every song I sing *

What's a smile?

* What's a smile Your hello *

What's a tear?

* What's a tear Your good-bye *

Yes, and without you-- * Yes, and without you *

* What am I *

* My darling * You're on your own.

* You are every hope and dream worth clinging to *

* And might I add this phrase before I'm through *

* That love by any other name is you *

Pop. Yeah?

Hold on.

Bill? Did Reed tell you about setting the syndication of your strip?

Yes, he did. Oh, good. I'm glad.

Yeah, so am I. 'Cause I'm gonna need the money.

Why? You and Joe have everything you need.

Well, I was thinking about getting married.

Have you ever thought about getting married? Yes, I have.

Oh. Well, I was thinking about getting married to you.

Have you ever thought about getting married to me? Yes, I have.

Well, then, why don't you?

Oh! What was that for? Oh, fine.

You can play Cyrano with Reed,

but when it comes to my very own proposal, you throw it away in front of a mob.

Mob? That's funny. I don't see anyone around but you.

* And I behold a lovely day *

* A lovely day begins and ends with you *

You appear, and I'm so near to early spring.

* You appear and I'm so near to early spring *

* And you're the "you" in every song I sing *

* What's a smile * * Your hello *

* What's a tear * * Your good-bye *

Yes? * And without you what am I *

* My darling, you are every hope and dream *

* And might I add this phrase before we're through *

* That love by any other name is you **

**

Don't get out. What's the trouble, O'Toole?

Now, take it easy, Mr. Carter. It's Joe. Joe? Is he hurt?

No, no. Just a little scared.

He's down at the station. Got himself in a little jam.

What kind of a jam? Robbing the United States mail.

When you put a stamp on a letter and mail it, it belongs to Uncle Sam.

It wasn't addressed to him. Who was it addressed to?

Never mind. I just changed my mind after I mailed it.

Why? I won't tell you,

not even if you put me in jail for the rest of my life.

Hi, Joe.

Hi. What is it, Joe?

I-- I-I mailed a letter to your boss.

I told 'im you-- that you lied.

Why? You said we were in Canada, and we aren't. That's a lie.

I just didn't want everybody to know about it,

so I tried to get it back.

Why didn't you come to me? Talk this over? Isn't that the way we handle things?

Well, it's different now. You're always with her.

And even when you are with me, you never listen.

And, well, I'm all mixed-up. Nothing's the same anymore.

Kitty said you were stuck on her.

That my name'd be mud and you'd be sending me off to camps and everything.

Well, I feel funny all over.

And nothing's the same anymore.

It's all her fault, 'cause I hate her-- Joe!

Joe, I want you to apologize to Jeannie.

Tell her you're sorry and that you didn't mean it.

I'm waiting. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

But I'm not sorry I said it. And I won't say I didn't mean it, 'cause I did.

What'd you have to spoil everything for? Why don't you leave us alone?

We were doin' okay, just the two of us!

Oh, Joe. No, Jeannie, don't.

We'll talk about this later. Thanks, Simon. That's okay.

Thanks, Frank. Sure, Mr. Carter.

Go in the kitchen, Son, and wait for me. I'll be in in a minute.

Get yourself a glass of milk.

I'm sorry, Jeannie. Oh, Bill, he's just a baby.

He was so upset. We certainly can't get married with him feeling like this.

We're certainly not gonna not get married just because of it.

That would be pretty ridiculous, wouldn't it? Yes. Yes, it would.

Our little friend in there's just gotta be told. Nobody owns anybody.

Everybody's gotta live their own life.

It's gonna be rough on him, and I'm sorry,

but I just can't sit back and let him live in a stall shower.

Oh, no. No, he's got to learn, for his own sake.

Oh, for our sake too. Look, he's my kid, and I love him,

but we're important-- the rest of our lives, that's important too.

It isn't as if he really hated me.

Me personally, I mean. Of course not.

No, he'd feel the same way about anybody in my place. Well, of course.

There's no point in stalling. I'm just gonna go tell him.

You and I are gonna get married, and the three of us are gonna live happily ever after.

Only, uh, Jeannie?

You think I might better wait until the morning?

Maybe after he's had a... good night's rest?

No? No. Get it over now, Bill.

Bill? Hmm?

Now, uh, what if he should, uh, get upset? You know, I mean--

Well, what if he cries?

What if he cries?

Well, I'll tell you. Then he cries.

Joe.

There are a few things I wanna say to you.

Now, I know we have a lot of fun. We kid around a lot.

But I'm still your father.

Now in the first place, when I'm talking to you, I want you to look at me.

Now, in the first-- In the second place.

I think that you've behaved very, very badly.

I shouldn't have written that letter. I don't mean the letter.

I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for Kitty. You listen to a girl, you get into trouble.

You've gotten into trouble because I said a lot of silly things.

But you're the smartest guy I know. Joe, stop that! It won't work.

I'm talking about Jeannie. You're talkin' about Jeannie, and we both know it.

Quit horsin' around, or I'm gonna whale the livin' tar outta you!

Bill, don't you dare say another word to that boy,

not another word, or I'll never speak to you again.

Why-- You can't just force me on him like you would castor oil.

He can't help it if he doesn't like me. He'll get to like you--

Did you ever hear of anyone getting to like castor oil...

just because somebody made a speech at him?

You're the one who keeps saying-- I don't care what I said!

You're not going to break his heart. I'm not breaking his heart!

Poor little thing, sitting here crying. He is not crying!

He would have been if I hadn't stopped you bullying him.

I'm the one who's too soft? Fine tough-hearted character you turned out to be.

Wanna make something out of it? No, you're making enough mess for both of us.

Who's making the mess? Whose fault has it been right from the beginning?

Mine! I admit it. Now I wanna do something about it, you won't let me.

So who's wrong now? I am! Feel better?

No. Good.

I'm not gonna marry you unless Joe wants me to. That's insane.

There's no way that won't take years. Stop yelling!

I am not yelling at you. You're just acting like a darn fool.

Go draw yourself a picture.

Night, Dad. Good night, Son.

What's the matter? Hmm? Oh, nothin'.

I'm sorry I was so rough on you. Oh, that's okay.

You know, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

A fella gets an idea he can change, but it isn't smart.

Better stick with what you know. Yeah, sure.

What are you fidgeting about? Huh? Nothing.

You outgrowing your shorts again? No.

We were getting along fine. We never needed anybody else.

Dad, you don't mind, do you? I got a date to go see a show.

You got a date? Who? A pal.

Who? Kitty. You don't mind, do you, Dad?

No. Better step on it.

Come home right after the show. Sure, okay.

No, Benny. You stay here. Keep Dad company.

* I'm mad about the girl next door *

* I'm mad about the girl next door *

* I'm mad about the girl next door *

**

**

**

* You walk by and I behold a lovely day *

* A lovely day begins and ends with you *

* You appear, and I'm so near to early spring *

* And you're the "you" in every song I sing *

**

**

* My darling, you *

* Are every hope and dream worth clinging to *

**

**

**

* I'd rather have a pal than a gal anytime *

* I'd rather have a chum than a pretty yummy-yum anytime *

* When a frail starts coyly grinnin' *

* Then she's out to do some winnin' *

* And you know that a frail is a synonym for trouble *

* Double trouble *

* I'd rather have a pal than a gal anytime *

* So if you're thinkin' damewise play your game wise *

**

**

* I'm mad about the girl next door *

* The girl next door to me *

**

**

* Oh, let me see that face *

* That fabulous face *

* Oh, when I see that grin *

* I go spinning right out of the-- *

**

**

**

**

**

* You are every hope and dream worth living for *

**

* For love by any other name *

* Is *

* You *

**

* You, You, You, You *

* You, You *

* You **

I got one.

Get in there. Pop's running another movie tonight. A western!

Aw, I can't, Kitty. "Aw, I can't, Kitty."

Hey-- Some best friend you turned out to be.

It's not my fault. It's my father's. Well, just tell him.

Aw, it'd hurt his feelings. Can't you get him busy with her again?

Nah. He just looks over at her yard and gets sad.

He oughta get married. I think he's all through with women.

How come? He's got a nerve! A man's supposed to be with a lady.

Children are extra. Says who?

Says everybody. If your father hadn't married your mother,

you wouldn't be catching frogs today.

Look at all the married people. Do you think they're dopey?

Look at Noah. Who did he put on the ark?

A lady lion and a man lion, that's what.

And a lady rabbit and a man rabbit.

And the same with everybody else, except your father.

Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

Go find yourself a new best friend, that's what.

Kitty!

I finished packing your wardrobe trunk, madam.

Shall I prepare an overnight case for your immediate needs?

Yes, please, Evelyn. Oh, uh, tell Samuels to call the expressman too, will you?

Very good, madam.

Oh, Benny! Benny.

What'd you do? Come over to say good-bye, huh? Good-bye?

Are you leaving?

Yes, I'm leaving for good. Movin'?

That's right. What for?

I should think you'd be glad.

Joe, no hard feelings. Everybody can't like everybody.

I don't exactly not like you. Thanks.

You mad at Dad? Yes. No, I--

Well, Joe, sometimes people get upset and...

they say things they don't mean.

Does he know you're goin' away? I don't know.

What difference would it make? Yeah.

Say-- Come on, Benny.

That's an awful pretty dress.

Well, howdy, Sam. How you all? Is Miss Laird in?

I'm afraid she's-- Jeannie!

Honey, what's the matter?

Oh, Rosie, I-- Reed, I'm moving into town, a hotel. What?

No. Now, I want you to sell the house and everything just as soon as possible.

Oh, honey. Come on. Take it easy.

You're playing the second act of Way Down East.

What's the matter? You have a fight with Bill? No.

Why is he such a jerk? Sure, he's a jerk. They're all jerks.

But he's the nicest jerk you've ever known.

Because he's a jerk doesn't mean you're gonna be a jerk and give away your house.

But I'm not going to marry anybody who thinks I'm... a mixmaster.

Oh, we just don't belong together. We're too different.

You don't have to be a Siamese twin to get married.

You can say that again. Take a gander at us.

You ever figure that this type would gas me? You mean you and Reed?

Yes, the deed is done. Last night at Greenwich, Connecticut.

You were married? Sure! Look at the circles under my eyes.

Oh, Rosie, that's wonderful! Congratulations, Reed.

It's the best thing that's happened to me since I graduated from C.C.N.Y.

Well, I figured somebody'd marry him for his money, so I did.

Now, Rosie, you know I'm not rich. You will be someday, Pops.

You got that pinched look around your nose. I'm very happy for both of you.

If you're so happy, what are you running away for?

We figured you'd give us the biggest party a bride and groom could have.

Hey, after all, you're gonna be the godmother. When, as, and if!

Right. Of course. Why should I be chased out of my own home?

Samuels! We will have a party, a big party!

Sure, let him move. Yeah, let him sell his house.

Samuels, call the expressman. Tell him to skip it and-and cancel the cab.

We're having a party. Get the caterers and the band.

I've changed my mind. Start unpacking!

Unpacking? Very good, madam.

** I wanna know who's paying for this.

If you do the show in London-- Yes?

Do it in London, you promise? I promise.

I'll pay for the party. Mr. and Mrs. Appleton have arrived.

Oh, wonderful! Hold this, will you please?

Samuels, keep them filled. Very good, miss.

Stop the music, boys. Alfred, now. Now.

Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom!

* This is all so new to me * But you like it.

* Oh, but what you do to me *

* If I love you a mountain *

* And you love me just a tiny hill *

* If I love you a meadow *

* Can't you love me just a daffodil *

* If I need you a symphony *

* To underscore the mood I'm in *

* Can't you need me a serenade *

* Played on a lonely violin *

Some party, huh? Mm-hmm.

You know she's movin'?

She is? What about it? Just wonderin'.

* If I miss you an ocean *

* Can't you miss me just a drop of April rain *

* Are you my forevermore *

* Forevermore you are *

* So if I love you all heaven *

* Can't you love me just an evening star **

Harold, please forgive me. I have an awful headache.

Jeannie! You see? Today it's a headache. Tomorrow it's a migraine.

Face it. You're in love with the guy.

Jeannie, it doesn't matter whether he's right and you're wrong.

When you're in love, it's 100%.

When you meet in the middle, it's 50-50.

Grab it, girl. There's only one gold ring on the merry-go-round.

And something's got to give.

Joe, come here. I want to talk to you.

I've made up my mind. Like it or not, this is the way it's gonna be.

- Let's play drawades. - Joe, I said I wanted to talk to you.

Please, Dad, let's play drawades, huh? Please, Dad?

I've got it all ready. I said I wanted to talk to you.

But, Dad, you just gotta. I've got it all written out for you. It's all ready.

Okay, Son.

Once upon a time, it was snowing.

Raining?

And it rained some more.

And it kept on raining. This is a pretty dull story.

Now, there's a boat. Oh, I see. It's an ark.

Okay, Noah's ark and the flood. I get it.

Just 'cause you get the story doesn't mean you get the point.

Well, now the ark's finished.

- And there's Noah. - Whoops.

* Oh, the day that Noah finished the ark *

* It rained It poured *

All right, Noah had a big job ahead of him.

He had a whole new world to set up.

* Oh, the bears * * The birdies *

* The lions and elephants came aboard *

Notice anything different about the animals?

Yeah, they're two-by-two.

But their own mothers wouldn't recognize 'em. Anything else?

Some are wearin' pants. Some are wearin' skirts.

* Hippity-potamus All went into the ark *

You see this? Yeah.

Children could come along, but they weren't the important thing.

They were just extra until they grew up.

* They all went into the ark for to get out of the rain *

Now, here was the important thing, you see? You see?

Hello, Kitty? He got it. Yeah.

Say, what happened to your glasses?

Contacts. Look at Jeannie.

Jeannie, for heaven's sake. What happened to you?

Jeannie, what are you training for?

Excuse me. This is a formal party.

Bill!

I don't know how he got it or where he got it, but he got it.

** * The guy's in love The gal's in love *

* In love, in love, in love *

* They're crazy with joy and it's plain to see *

* They will soon be more than just neighborly *

* Just let me look at that face *

* Oh, that face Oh, that fabulous face *

** * For when I look at that grin *

* I go spinning * * And spinning and spinning and spinning *

* And spinning right out into space *

Will you marry me someday? No.

Okay.

* Tra-la-la-la-la Whoop-de-do *

* I will leap for joy like a kangaroo *

* I'm mad, I'm mad I'm crazy for *

* The girl next door to me *

* Someday she may wear a special smile *

* For a special walk down a special aisle *

* And I'll kiss the bride *

* When I stand by the side *

* Of the girl next door **