Original subtitles

In the last three days, I convinced Elliot to dump her boyfriend and be with me, then told her I didn't love her.

Still, we're good friends, so if I give her some space, eventually everything will be fine.

Unfortunately, since Turk's whole family's in town for his wedding, I'm staying in her apartment.

We have to go.

My lips are bleeding! Can you hand me a tissue?

Hey, so what do you guys think? Extra groomsman?

Don't worry, Rowdy. I'm marrying their sister.

Hey! Baby! Check this out! You ain't gonna believe what I did with Rowdy!

Turk! You're not allowed to see me on our wedding day, you idiot!

She's mulling it over.

Oh, my God. I just figured it out.

This is one of those reality shows where our sister tries to convince us that she's gonna marry some obnoxious--agh!

We haven't really had a chance to talk yet. I'm Mama Turk.

Oh, hey. How ya doing?

Damn, that looks painful.

Hey! I really want you guys to get along today!

I hope you die.

Elliot!

...After the wedding.

Thank you!

Elliot. Help me wax my brow.

Okie-dokie.

"I do." And then it's classy kiss....

Or sexy kiss....

Or slutty kiss....

That looks like fun. Can I help?

Uh, help this.

Elliot, maybe you should pay attention to what you're doing.

Oh, really?

Uhmm.... How--how thin did you want those?

Turk and I have to go.

See, Turk and I had made a pact.

The day that one of us got married, we'd play a last round of tennis-ball golf in the parking lot as single best friends.

Look out, Tiger!

That'll play.

Hell yeah.

Oh, yeah, and the guy getting married has to caddie for the other guy naked.

Huh?

Ohhh....

He'll be fine.

I can't believe you're actually gettin' married.

Me neither, buddy.

Hey, where's the fuzzy cover for my one-wood?

It's on my nine-wood.

Aw, dude! My mom made that!

Still, I'm happy for you, man.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, great. I think I'm getting a pimple.

Is this noticeable?

I'll ask someone else.

Hide the bride! I found him!

Turk, we're heading over to St. John's.

Thought you guys were getting married at Holy Trinity?

St. John's is cheaper.

Oh, plus the priest there looks like Captain Sulu.

No, that's the priest at Trinity.

Oh, baby, I wanted to be married by Sulu!

Turk, are you coming over with us now or not?

If I work this shift, I can finagle two extra days on the honeymoon.

Ooh, nice use of "finagle."

Oh, thanks.

Look, I get outta here at 4, ceremony doesn't start until 5.

Worst case scenario, I'm a little late for the wedding.

Do it!

Oh! Whoa!

Dude, you're dealing with a nervous bride, a woman I scorned,

and two sisters with three eyebrows.

See you at 5!

Hey, Elliot, how are you doing with this whole J.D. thing?

I can't believe that on this day you would actually worry about how I'm doing.

Carla, you're such an amazing friend.

Don't do this, Elliot.

promised myself I wouldn't get emotional until after we took the pictures.

I just love you so much.

I love you too!

Even though I ripped off your sister's eyebrow?

That's okay.... You know,

this morning she actually said she was gonna look better than me!?

Not anymore!

Car-Carla, there is a man filming us.

Oh, he's just doing our wedding video. Hi, Anthony.

What's up, babe.

Oh, my God! You're actually getting married in a few hours!

I mean, everything's gonna be all different.

Carla, you never have to have sex again except for when you actually want to.

I know!!!

Erase that last part.

So, are you ready for your appendectomy?

Hey, what do you do with an appendix after you've removed it?

We make finger puppets.

Ha! Don't mind Dr. Turk, here. He's just overly excited because he's getting married this afternoon.

I, on the other hand, am the only person in the hospital not to be invited.

Dr. Miller, look, it's a really small wedding, and you're an amazing boss,

and I feel really bad about it, so...there's a wedding brunch tomorrow,

and it's only for family and really close friends, and...well, we'd love for you to be there.

That would mean the world to me!

Okay, I didn't think you were gonna say yes. There's no brunch.

That's gonna cost me.

Jordan, get outta bed. We got a wedding to go to.

Perry.... Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty....

It's just you and me.... Let's take a nap! We'll sleep through the ceremony,

and then go to the reception.

Can we at least have sex?

Do what you have to. Don't wake me.

"(Bum-bum-bum) Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava na--"

Ted! Church!

We do mostly Bar Mitzvahs.

Hey, J.Z.

Holla.

For some reason, this woman wants you to usher her.

Danni, what are you doing here?

We RSVP'd when we were still dating.

You can't just crash my best friend's wedding!

I'll go halvsies on the gift.

Right this way, please.

"Bum-bum-bum."

"Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava nagila..."

Dude, that pick-up line you gave me for all the Spanish chicks is not working.

Maybe you're saying it wrong. Let's hear it.

Yo tengo herpes genital...para ti. [I have genital herpes...for you.]

Nope. That's right. Keep trying.

Mucho herpes! ...Grande! Oh, yeah! [Many herpes! ...Big!!]

I'll have to agree with Chet. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome!

This is...an awesome wedding, and I'm having an awesome time,

and you two are gonna have an awesome life!

Hi.

Awesome!

Hold my gum?

Gimme that appendix! Let's close this guy up, and I'm outta here!

Wait. Look at his lesions on his peritoneum.

Oh, no.

Dr. Turk...what do you think we should do?

Leave a post-it in there for the next guy?

Try again.

Perform an exploratory laparotomy. I NEED A PHONE!

Everybody! We're gonna get started soon, so if everyone could please turn off your cell phones?

Go for the Todd. ... Turk, Turk, Turk, Turk.

I can't talk right now! I'm at your wedding.

Todd! Gimme that!

Carla, it's Turk.

Hello?

Where're the other bridesmaids?

They're out buying an eyebrow.

Well, that's gonna be tough on a Saturday,

with Eyebrows Eyebrows Eyebrows being closed.

They're gonna have to go all the way across town to the Eyebrow Hut.

Look, Elliot, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.

Go back three days and keep me from throwing away my life for you.

In that second, I knew how to make things right if I just had the time.

What do you mean you're gonna be late?

Sweet!

What did you say?

Nothing, girl!

What?

Wedding wishes?

Oh, hey, kids....

I just wanna wish you two all the luck in the world because,

you see, the key to marriage is...work.

Ted! Do I look ready?

Sorry.

Everybody, sit down! Cover your eyes!

Um, Turk, uh, got held up in surgery, but if you just hold on for a few minutes,

everything will be perfect. 'Kay.

Don't look! I'll be back in a minute!

I knew that jackass would screw this up!

Did you just dis my friend, Turk?

What are you gonna do about it, meathead?

My friend, I am about to make you look very silly!

Things are starting to heat up.

I wonder how Sean took it when Elliot dumped him?

You wouldn't happen to know if Sean Kelly lives here, would you?

Hey, J.D. Thanks for the buck.

Oh, hey, honey. Are you waking up?

Why are you in such a hurry?

I'm not in any kind a hurry!

Did you dress me?

Fine. Carla scares me, okay?

She may be small, but she has very powerful legs.

Listen, princess, when we get to the reception,

you will just say what a beautiful ceremony it was, and it will be peachy.

Trust me! We're not missing anything!

Hey, babe. Got any wedding wishes?

Hi, Carla! Hi, Turk! This is the greatest wedding ever! YES!

I'm having so much fun. And there are a lot of really cute boys here! Hey, what are you doing? She's with me!

I mean, I'm just having so much fun. These guys, they kiss really, really good.

And I like everyone's clothes and, like, what they're wearing.

And I know that _____, you know, things didn't really work out and

but, you know, we're still kinda friends.

Ted! I will kill you!

Won't happen again.

You know the drill, people!

Look, Miss Espinosa, unfortunately there's another wedding scheduled

Don't go there, Padre. He'll be here.

Please?

Go. I can finish from here.

Thank you.

So, Sean.... You look...woolly.

Since Elliot left me, my life's fallen apart.

It's been four days, Sean. Which, by the way, makes the beard all the more impressive.

I'm a quarter Hungarian.

Ah.

What do you want, J.D.?

I didn't steal Elliot from you, man! She just panicked 'cause you guys were moving in together!

I don't know, J.D....

Sean, if you have any guts at all, you will show up at this wedding,

take her into your...hairy arms, and tell her you want her back!

You should...probably shower first.

I can't believe he's not here yet!

Don't worry! I made it!

I don't care about you, you idiot!

They had premarital sex.

Miss Espinosa, if your fiance' is not here in the next thirty seconds, I'm gonna have to pull the plug.

Do you ever miss the ladies?

A little.

I would, too.

Are you close yet?

Yeah, I'm here! Start it up, and I'll meet you at the altar!

It's for real this time, people!

Carla!

Can I help you, young man?

Mr. Sulu?

No, son.

Hey. Baby, look, I got mixed up. Is there still time if I race over there?

No.

Hey, baby! How's the party?

I'll just stand here and be quiet for a little while.

Just a club soda, please. I'm driving.

It's an open bar, cutie.

Give me a bucket of scotch.

Sport, take these and keep moving.

There she is! Do something charming.

Elliot, check it out. Kelso gave me his car keys.

Ow! What are you doing?!

I'm--I'm just trying to think of ways to make things right!

Well, you can cross off keys in the face! Honestly, J.D., there's nothing you can do.

Hey, Elliot.

I'm sorry, I get excited.

What do you mean, disaster? Honey, this is an amazing wedding!

And I know what you're gonna say -- we didn't actually get married.

But you know what? Tonight, you and I, we're gonna rip it up.

And then we're gonna hop on a plane to the Bahamas,

where you and I can get married tomorrow amongst the fishes and mermaids and whatnot.

Turk, for the last time, mermaids aren't real!

I know what I saw!

Why isn't the band playing?

In a word? Shrimps. Nasty, one-day-old shrimp.

The band got into 'em while we was waiting at the church for your sorry ass.

Girl, you are wearing that dress.

No music. I swear, Turk, I am this close to losing it!

Carla?

It's okay.

I-I just wanted to say that that was one of the most beautiful ceremonies that I've ever seen.

Oh, boy.

You think that's funny? Why would you wanna hurt me?

Shame on you!

So, open bar?

Mm-hmm.

Psst! Get out while you can!

I'm happy.

Happy wedding, nerd.

Keep walking, dragon.

Yagh!

How's it goin'?

You wore your janitor uniform to a wedding?

No, I wasn't invited to the wedding. I just work here on weekends.

Who's that?

My date.

Forks! Frannie! Forks! Forks!

Are forks where the big money is?

Forks and ladles.

So, what have you been up to?

Doctor stuff. Heh. You?

Oh, I--I was crying a lot. And then I got really emotionally numb.

Um, oh, and this morning, I jammed a salad fork two inches into my thigh to see if I could still feel the pain.

And?

Oh, yeah.

Good.

Elliot, do you wanna get out of here?

Sean, look, I don't know what J.D. told you, but...

if we're gonna give this another try,

you need to know that I didn't end things with you because I was freaking out about us living together.

I did it because...J.D. and I have this history and... I actually thought he might be the one.

But I just ended up getting my heart broken.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Carla?

I apologize. I am a horse's ass.

It's not you. It's everything!

Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairy-tale idea of the perfect wedding.

And, oh yeah, I always ended up married! Pff!

Come on, marriage is overrated.

Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.

Uh, Perr, is making out with a stranger cheating?

Technically not if it's under ten seconds, dear.

Ah, not worth it.

Look, you and Turk were meant to be together. It's fate and you know it.

Thank you.

I shouldn't be drinking.

I know. I know.

Okay, Carla's dying, it's rally time.

We have no band, we have no DJ. You're my best man -- brainstorm.

Remember that after-party we had in college,

when the stereo went out and I ended up hooking up with that grad student from Brazil?

Yeah?

That was awesome.

Woo hoo, you made out with a little person.

I thought she was kneeling.

Ted! Can you play a little music for us, buddy?

It's gonna cost you double what you paid us for the church.

Here's twenty.

Aaaand, here's four back. So, mind if we start with some TuPac?

Kick it.

All riiiight!

So, uh...so call me if you ever wanna get drunk and have sex.

Bye, Sean.

Bye.

Can I have a ride home?

Uh, well...sure.

Oh! Okay!

You can't let him drive her home! She says "thank you" the naughty way!

J.D.! It's not happening. Besides, if Sean and I are meant to be together,

I never would have gone home with you that night and sabotaged everything that I had with him.

You and I are gonna be okay, right?

What do you think?

Probably not.

Elliot!

You let me know when we are.

Don't hold your breath.

Ahhh! Dr. Turkleton!

Actually, sir, it's Turk.

That's your first name.

You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Can I get a scotch?

Hey, baby.

I'm so sorry I messed everything up, baby.

Don't be. Let's dance.

Set me up, Ted.

Um, hi. We haven't used instruments in a long time,

so bear with us if we're a little rusty.... One, two, three.

I guess, in the end, things seldom work out exactly the way you expect.

Turk, our plane leaves in an hour.

I know, I just gotta check on my patient, baby.

Hey. How's it going, Mr. Fitzpatrick?

Actually, it's Father Fitzpatrick.

Could you do us a quick favor?

Mm-hmm.

Other times, well, you've kind of sealed your own fate.

Either way, you have to trust that whatever's supposed to happen, will happen.

Besides, somehow you always seem to end up with the person you're meant to be with.

One, two, three.

Thanks for helping out.

I'm only going as far as the dumpster.