Original subtitles

Buddy, I get that you and Carla have been

hanging out a lot, but pretending you're

going to steal her from me makes you seem sad,

pathetic and very lonely.

Your woman wants me so bad,

we've developed our own little shorthand with each other.

- Mornin'. - Morning.

That means good morning.

Noted.

How was mardi gras night?

Ooh!

Come on!

Enough beads. No more flashing.

More beads, damn it! Come on!

Fine.

Bite me.

Sounds pretty embarrassing.

Only because Jasper becomes an innie

when he gets nervous.

Still...

Friends forever!

Of course, not all relationships

are as solid as Carla's and mine.

Dr. Reid, why are you using

standard macrolides to treat your patient

instead of clo-veritol?

Oh, clo-veritol is a drug? Now, honestly, Bob,

here I was under the impression that it was

a travel agency, what with all the free golf trips

they've gone ahead and sent you on.

I'll have you know that I do not authorize any

drug for this hospital that I haven't personally researched.

What did the research for clo-veritol say, sir?

When life's not fair at all, use clo-veritol.

Check out Barbie, body-slamming big Bob.

That a girl!

Look, I have spent the last 3 years in this hospital

getting pushed around because I'm "little Barbie

from connecticut."

But there is a new toy in town, and her name

is "bitch slap Barbie."

From connecticut.

Still, let's remember that you can't even

drive the doctor car without big daddy

sitting right there beside you,

because you went ahead and accidentally

gave the patient over in bed 4 macrolides and opiates,

2 medications that i guarantee you are going

to make her nauseous.

My patient is fine, and I don't need you

I roughly think that would be the faint sound

of your patient vomiting.

You may be having trouble hearing it

over the much louder sound of me being right yet again.

Oh, god?

My brilliance is now becoming a bit

of a burden.

Get back to me.

I got to give mr. Ingram his meds,

so...later.

Later.

That means "I'll be seeing you later."

You want my fianc�e,

just go ahead and take her, 'cause she's been

naggin' the crap out of me.

"Pick up your socks, wash your dishes,

stop whispering booyah to J.D.

in the morning after we have sex."

How else am i supposed to know?

I'm sayin'! But you know what?

I'm not givin' her anymore ammo.

There is no way in hell that she will ever be

able to bust my...

damn!

Ooh! That ass warrants the batman sound effect salute.

Turk, how come every time I turn around

you're checking out some woman's you-know-what?

Tushie parts?

Thanks for having my back.

Babe.

That means now she all mad.

When you work in a hospital

You can count on an ever-changing roster

of new faces, whether it's the new flower lady

who winks too much or the plastic surgeon

who's returned after spending 3 years

fixing cleft palates in third world countries.

So if any of you are interested in

following in the philanthropic footsteps

of Dr. Ramirez, he has graciously

offered to answer any of your questions.

I told you no one would care.

Sometimes a new face will just outright surprise you.

What the hell are you doing?

Me? Nothin', man. I'm just waitin'

for my brother to get off work.

Maybe you know him.

He's a janitor here. My name's Rocksco.

- Why is he doing that? - I think he gets bored.

So I'm supposed to marry someone who's going

to stare at women for the rest of my life?

Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.

Let's see how he likes it when I do it in front of him.

Hey, honey!

What's up, baby?

It's good, isn't it?

That's because every time

Estelle's working, she puts extra croutons

into the stuffing.

And yet the salads always suffer.

Excuse me. I am talking about that man's ass!

Gotta go !

You know, 'cause it's such a fine, chiseled

dig-your-fingernails into it kind of ass.

Babe, he probably works out.

-Carla? -Ron!

Kudos on the nice pooper.

Thank you. Mine's firm, like mutton.

Lovely.

Ok, mr. Thompson, we've got your fever down,

but how's the pain in your abdomen?

Practically gone.

Really?

Little trick I picked up in med school.

Good trick. I think my insides exploded.

Now I suspect you've got pancreatitis,

so we're going to run

some lfts and do an ultrasound.

But in the meantime, I am going to prescribe you

something for your pain.

No, no, no, please, please, don't sweat it.

I'm used to the pain.

Besides my mom is bringing by the kids later

and I figure there should be at least one sober adult

in the room.

No, seriously, she's a drunk.

Oh, sorry.

Stop it.

There's nothing worse than being around 2 people

with a history.

So did Shari and Steve ever get married?

You didn't hear what happened?

Please say you heard.

- No, I didn't. - Damn you, ron!

Steve took a year off to take care of

his parents, and while he was gone,

Shari started seeing Dr. Harding.

Nooo! Really?

Yes.

Shari and gary?

But that summer, they took a river-rafting trip

through the grand canyon and they both drowned.

Oh, thank God!

You know, 'cause they... they both died

doing what they loved.

Rafting.

So everybody treating you ok?

Yeah! You know, the nurse that does

the sponge baths, wouldn't be shocked

if she's killed before.

Hey, sunshine!

Why don't you just calm your ass down?

You was barely bleeding.

From a bath, woman!

I don't get it. I've run every single test.

I cannot figure out why this guy is

in so much pain.

Did you run a d-u-h test?

What's a D.U.H.? - Uh, duh!!

The guy is a drug addict trying to score

painkillers.

But he refused drugs.

My bad. He is a very clever drug addict.

Look, I hate to question your 3 years of wisdom,

but your pain guy is just like a million

other drug addicts who walk into hospitals

every year with their aches and their pains

and their spasms and their cramps and their myalgia

and their neuralgia, and their otalgia

or any other algia they can possibly think of

just so they can get a fix.

Well, I believe in this guy.

Would you like to go out on a limb,

sign him in, keep him overnight?

You know, Dr. Cox, you think

that you have seen it all

and done it all, but guess what?

You haven't done me!

Give her a second there, gang.

That didn't come out right.

Go!

Yo, if you're captain out there today,

pick me first, and then I'll be like,

"dude, we always play together."

Then you can pick who you really want to pick, but everyone else

will think you wanted to pick me first. -When do you think of this stuff?

Every minute of every day.

Hey, either of you guys seen my twin brother?

Hey! I asked you a question.

You're better than this.

Whoo whoo!

Any sign of my brother, the janitor?

Dude, there is no way that we ever,

ever believe this one.

Can someone say keep rockin'?

Hey, Carla, after you check Mrs. Ruck's I.V. In room 310,

can you zip down to the cafeteria

and flirt more with Dr. Hotbutt?

Fine. So I was flirting with him a little.

But I used to have such a crush on the guy.

And besides, you flirt sometimes.

It's harmless, right?

Can I press your button?

I don't know. Can I press yours?

It's not always harmless.

Hey, Carla,

I was wondering if you wanted

to grab dinner with me tonight.

It's always a risk when you go out on a limb.

Ultimately you just make yourself vulnerable.

Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?

He was here, like, 8 years ago, complaining of the same

abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication,

he went A.M.A.

He just took the drugs and bolted?

No, he took some towels, too.

Frick!

So what do you say?

And you just hate to see anyone get crushed, even Dr. Hotbutt.

Sure. That sounds great.

I'm sorry, what?

What the hell just happened?

I don't know. He asked me out to dinner

and I said yes. It just came out.

Shame!

Look, everyone thinks it's just guys who get all freaked out

before the wedding, but it happens to women, too.

And Ronnie... -Ronnie?

Ron. Ron.

He's not just some guy, J.D.

He's my "what if" guy,

the one I always wondered about,

the one I idealized, you know?

If I go out with him and I feel nothing,

you know how confident I'll feel about turk?

Now I want you to go.

You know what that means?

That she's a sorceress.

Look, I would never do anything inappropriate.

Then you won't mind if I tell Turk.

If you have to, go ahead. But then I'll know that

we're not as close as I thought.

Damn beads.

Mr. Thompson, I was just taking a look at your old charts.

Yes! He was just telling me that the last time he was here,

his doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw a bunch of

painkillers at him instead. - He did?

I was so frustrated, I took off,

but I have to say with Dr. Reid here,

I know we're finally gonna get to the bottom of things.

She is one terrific doctor.

So this pain you're having is making you delusional.

- No. Why? - No reason.

Well, this is nice, after all these years

actually being out with you.

Yeah, so where do you want to sit?

How about here ?

We have a lovely selection of condoms.

Ooh! Lemon zinger!

Uncool.

What were you thinkin' about?

What you'd look like if you were chinese.

Me, too!

Ooh, that was lucky.

Hey, fellas! Guess what's on.

A little show that I like to call indisputable evidence.

Thank you, brothers, for inviting me

to your twin birthday party!

No problem, Troy.

Hey, brother, why don't you enjoy

this nice pen set that I got for you?

Check it out.

Take your time. Approach it slowly.

Hey, wow! Thanks, bro!

I'm definitely gonna use this to write to you

when I finish my around-the-world travels.

Put her there, man. All right!

You do a good job around here.

And that, boys, is a brotherly handshake.

Sometimes around here,

you can't believe what you're seeing.

Other times, it's as clear as day.

Thanks.

Oh Great! You're getting medication for your "pain patient."

But, say, why stop there?

How's about we load up our fanny packs with happy pills,

drive downtown, I'll hang out of the sun-roof, and we can just

throw fistfuls of 'em right at drug addicts and it'll just be a big happy parade!

You know what's amazing about you? You have this unbelievable ability

to make me doubt myself.

I don't think I could possibly make you doubt yourself

ya rascal, unless you had the unnatural talent

for being wrong most of the time.

Well, I'm not wrong. I just saw Mr. Thompson writhing in pain

and he had no idea that I was watching him.

But you probably don't care about that,

because you're more concerned with being right than doing what's right. Aren't you?

Stay calm. Turk's never gonna find out about her date.

You got a minute to talk?

I got lots of time to talk. Do you wanna talk about anything? Anything?

Hours to talk. We could talk about our feelings. Wh-what's up?

Look, I been thinking about this whole Carla nagging me thing, right?

And I know it's coming from a good place because, well,

let's face it, the woman lives and dies for me.

More wine?

Oh, God! Yes!

So I'm supposed to marry someone who's gonna bust my chops

every time I look at a woman for the rest of my life?

Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows... Hand me that?

Here you go.

So you and that girl Kelly finally broke up, huh?

Yeah.... What was that cute name that you used to call her?

Skunk-face! I was a little mean back then.

Nahhh. I always used to think you were...the sweetest girl on earth.

Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag! You see how Carla is lately. I mean, is that all I have to look forward to?

I hear they're coming out with a stuart little 3.

No, it's on hold. The director dropped out.

Turk, don't you have any work to do?

Dude, surgeon.

Beads, keep me strong!

What?

Nothing.

I'm so glad we did this!

Oh, me too. You know, I have to leave for a lecture tour on Monday,

but I'm back the last week in April, so maybe we can get together then.

You know,

I'm getting married april 24.

So then our plans totally interfere with your honeymoon.

A little bit.

Excited about it ?

I'm so excited.

Mr. Thompson, I've decided I'd like to prescribe you

something for the pain.

Well, you know,

that's your call.

There's just one little problem.

Oh, my god! Just give me the drugs, 'k, lady?

For God's sake, I've been working you

from every possible angle. I refused painkillers.

I did the "you're the greatest doctor" bit, which I know you loved.

then somewhere between, getting a tube in my ass and a tube in my mouth

which by the way, I'm still praying wasn't the same tube,

I found time to do the whole "I'm writhing in pain but I don't know

if you're watching me" thing!

So please, or pretty please, or however you want me to say it, Doctor,

why don't you say it! Why don't you say it! Why don't you tell me

what the problem is, AND SAY IT!

I was just gonna say that my pen doesn't work,

and I needed a new one to write out your dosage.

Oh. Awesome.

I felt nothing for him.

How cool is that?

Had a dream just like this,

except I had a saddle on my back and you were an indian.

Turk was a donkey.

I'm gonna go tell Turk.

Oh, that's great. She's gonna go

...wait. What?!

Whatever you do, don't scream.

Why would I scream ?

I don't know.

People always say that in the movies.

Anyway, I don't think Turk's gonna be as excited about your big date as you are.

All right? He definitely won't love the fact that I knew about it.

So just...tell him in five years.

You did what?!

Make that 20 years.

Honey, that was a long time ago.

Why are you still living here?!

Because I've got nowhere else to go!

Sorry.

But still, what if I want to tell him?

Well, that's up to you, isn't it?

Got to go.

Damn beads.

Yuk it up, I don't care. I'm getting the last laugh!

'Cause my brother's waiting for me downstairs

and when these elevator doors open, you'll see,

he's gonna be staring right at you two guys.

Okay, I don't know what I thought was gonna happen,

but I think we can all agree that this isn't working out,

it's costing me a tremendous amount of time and effort, so let's just call it a draw.

Hell, no! You lost. Live with it.

It's hard when you lose for the first time.

It's even harder when it's the hundredth time

- Say it. - You're always right.

I know! But it is still so nice to hear it.

How did you know that he was lying?

Well, you said that he wasn't; and as a rule,

I always take whatever you say and just go in the exact opposite direction with it.

But, more than that, Barbie, the main reason is because...

well, lookit, medicine is all about experience. Hell, wouldja...

wouldja like to go ahead and have a look at who the last doctor was to give Thompson drugs?

You?

Oh!

Why didn't you say something earlier?

What, give up my front-row seat to Barbie's Wild Ride?

"He's a drug addict! He's not a drug addict! You-make-me-doubt-my-self!

"You're more interested in being right than doing what's right!

And I just couldn't take it! Can't take it anymore!"

And yet sometimes losing is a good thing.

Like, for instance, when you lose your insecurities

about the guy you're marrying,

which makes it a whole lot easier

to cut him some slack once in a while.

Go ahead, look.

Really, baby?

Yeah. Besides, you're cutting up your napkin.

I guess you can never underestimate

how the smallest gesture

can make everything better.

You know, for a minute there,

I actually thought you had a twin brother.

Really? Was it when my twin brother was here?

-Stop it. -Sorry.

Too much.