Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull M_I_SForEver

Oh, sorry, I'm looking in the wrong spot.

I keep getting confused whether I...

I'd look there or that your... I'll look at your eyes. Okay.

Sorry, uh, the... The trial, yes... Um...

I'll admit that the feasibility of gestating kittens

in a human womb wasn't my first choice, but...

It makes people happy and...

that's the most important thing.

And well...

- needs must. - When the devil drives.

What?

Needs must when the devil drives.

That's the rest of the saying.

Who is your devil, Dr. Han?

Well, I wouldn't say there's a devil per se.

What would you be studying if you had the choice?

Oh, human infertility solutions.

That's what I specialized in before.

Before the trial.

What prompted you to change your...

I'm sorry, am I interrupting?

She told me I could just come in.

Will?

Uh, no. Yes, come in.

Uh, it's fine. It's...

- You look well. - I, uh...

Thank you.

I'm glad after everything...

I mean, I'm just glad you landed on your feet.

Thanks. Um...

So, uh, what brings you here?

A colleague showed me the ad you published about the trial.

I'm here to apply.

Oh, I'm sorry, Theresa.

I know you like animals,

but I'm afraid we already have our participants lined up.

Well, I don't wanna be in the trial,

I wanna help you run it.

You're gestating animals, right?

You're gonna need someone with veterinary experience.

Uh, Dr. Theresa MacKenzie...

- not Blackburn? - No,

- I went back to my maiden name. - Oh.

Ugh, I'm sorry, Theresa.

I really appreciate you coming out, but...

I'm afraid that it wouldn't be appropriate.

I know we have a history,

and some of it is not optimal,

but well, I just wanted to see you,

you know, and I tried calling you,

but you wouldn't pick up.

And this is the only path you left open.

I really missed you too.

Well, it's just...

We already have a vet tech on staff.

Oh!

I really am very sorry.

It's okay. I can see myself out.

My apologies, ladies.

I'm Dr. William Han.

I will be facilitating this trial.

Has everyone had a chance to... find the coffee?

Oh, yeah. Got two cups.

Is it normal to have shaking hands at this point?

Oh, okay. Someone just cut me off.

- Please take that away. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay. Well, let's get down to business.

Has everyone had a chance to read over the contract?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Basically, the agreement is you four will be participating

in a three month medical trial, during which time

you will be impregnated with a cat fetus

and carry it to term.

Once you've given birth,

you'll be paid $20,000.

And if everything checks out,

be able to keep the kitten.

Does anyone have any concerns they'd like to bring up?

Yes. Mrs. LaPointe.

Since we're only carrying one fetus,

are we gonna show much?

No. The average weight of a newborn kitten is about 100 grams.

- That's about the size of a bar of soap. - Awesome.

Why did I want to take part in the trial?

Well, my husband and I talked about having another kid

but a cat just seemed easier.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I do.

But they are a lot.

Amen, sister. Roll up your sleeve.

Like Tom and I work from home, and that's great

in terms of not having to pay for childcare,

but it's just not so great in terms of,

they just seem to get in every space that they're in.

Just wait until they're 28, and they don't leave the basement.

Little poke.

Anyway, um,

I just thought it would be nice for the boys to have a pet

to play with, you know. Teach them some responsibility,

and keep them entertained and,

keep them out of our hair.

Oh, and also, we get to go to Disneyland with the money.

Just like we always wanted.

20,000, you might be able to stay there for the whole day.

However, your uterus is a little bit bigger than a cat.

So, there's a possibility the kitten might grow bigger.

But to the untrained eye, you will not be visibly pregnant.

That's great, because in subsection A,

in paragraph four, it does say we're to keep our condition

a secret, except for the adult members of our households

who are willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement

on pain of forfeiting the entire stipend for the trial.

That's correct, Ms. Castellano.

And did you know that one in 18 Canadian hospital patients,

experience harm from preventable errors

due to the medical staff?

Amateurs.

You really try, you can get it up to one in five.

Okay. I'm gonna need you to put down the syringe

because I consented to blood draws today. Not an injection.

Fine. Spoilsport.

All right kid. Give me your arm.

Anyway. Sorry. Where was I?

Oh, why am I doing the trial?

- Money. - Yes!

Finally A woman after my own heart.

Oh, I'm trying to retire on a nurse's salary

and I've got a failure to launch whose butt is permanently

glued onto my basement couch.

- What about you? - Law school.

Why don't you just leech off your parents?

All the cool kids are doing it.

Oh, Dad's dead and mom, let's just say she...

Is not keen on having a lawyer in the family.

What, is she from Bizarro World?

Just wait. You'll see.

Oh wait! We can't tell anybody?

I tell everybody everything. That's like my job.

Can you explain to the old guy how a vlog works?

- Miss Prescott? - Rose. Thank you.

I'm not like some spinster aunt or anything.

Well, okay, maybe I'm heading in that direction.

Rose, I can assure you that 46 is

plenty young enough to be familiar with YouTube.

And I'm aware that you make your career online.

Now I'm not asking you to keep it a secret forever.

Just until the trial is over.

You should feel free to record your impressions for later posts

but I'm gonna have to ask all of you for complete confidentiality

so that we don't skew the results of the trial.

Um, if this is supposed to be such a big secret,

why is there a TV crew?

Why did I want to do the trial? It's a good question.

My fiancee loves cats, but

if I'm being honest, it's partly a way to appease my mom a little bit.

She wants me to have human kids,

not cats. But...

This is a much as Jennifer and I are willing to compromise.

I'm sure she'll be thrilled.

Or the reason is that it be nice to have $20,000.

Our wedding's in six months,

and damn, that stuff is not cheap.

Even with Jennifer's company doing the catering at cost,

yikes!

And my mom is really religious.

So she wants the full spread, the church, the dinner reception

in the works and our family is huge.

Look on the bright side.

If you're super religious mother finds out you let a doctor

turkey baste a kitten into your womb,

you'll probably have a few less mouths to feed at your shindig.

FTV, the Feline Television Network.

Oh, my God. FTV.

One moment, please.

Rose Prescott. Professional cat lady.

The reason I'm doing the trial is,

Mr. Poof and I, he's my cat.

We've been thinking about adding another full time

member to our family for a while now.

And this is just a great opportunity to have

one who's like, really ours, you know?

I mean, Mr. Poof, he donated his genetic material,

so it's just gonna be so special to have our own little kitten.

Wait, so, you are literally having your own cat's baby?

Yeah. I mean, he's like my life.

Anyways, we're also hoping to expand

our fostering operation in...

into a full-blown adoption center.

And with the $20,000 and...

whatever donations we get from the publicity of the trial,

uh, we should be able to do that.

Then you could become a crazy cat lady for real.

Damn straight.

And only then can you call me Ms. Prescott.

FTV, the feline television network,

has graciously agreed to partially fund

this trial in exchange for exclusive documentary rights.

But due to editing and processing time,

the documentary won't be released until several months

after the trial,

at which point you should have settled back into your regular lives.

I trust this shouldn't be a problem for any of you.

Okay, well, if there's no other concerns,

please sign and date at the bottom.

And Pauline Kennedy, our nurse

will take you into the examination room

one of the time and run your initial bloodwork.

- What's up, guinea pigs. - Uh, Pauline...

I thought, we agree that patients

was the preferred nomenclature for the participants

- of our trial. - Whoops.

So which one of you wants to get stabbed first?

Why did I want to do this trial? One word: money.

I don't give a shit about cat gestation.

Tyler, Your turn.

Uh, me?

My name is...

Tyler Ferguson.

I work for Dr Han. Like...

Doing the cat stuff.

What was the question again?

Why do you wanna work on this trial?

Oh, Uh...

I don't know, man.

Are you high right now, Tyler?

No.

- Jett, honey, you're home. - Hey, Mom.

Hey. I see you brought the camera crew. Hi, guys.

Sorry about the mess. Just put anything anywhere you find some room.

By the way, Mom, you know, I prefer it when you call me Joan.

Yes, I do know that.

But your father and I called you Joan Jett,

so that we could call you Jett.

Joan was just to please his mother.

And, you know, I prefer when you call me Sunshine.

I know, now that I'm an adult,

you don't wanna be defined by just one life role.

I will get used to it.

Yes, you will. And by the way,

I've got your new easel set up.

So come on into the art studio.

Mom, I don't feel like painting. Sorry.

I have to study.

Study?

Honey, law school is just not for you.

We talked about this. Those graduate schools just

stifle your creativity.

I'm not creative.

I don't have a creative bone in my body.

I'm not gonna make a living in the arts.

First of all, you don't know that.

And secondly, it's what your father wanted.

He wanted me to have choices.

Can you just help me out a little bit?

I know that dad left money for my education.

Yeah, sure. Of course.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Amazing.

I mean, as long as you're going to art school.

Honey, your father fought long and hard against

his conservative family so that he could make a career in art,

and I just don't want to see you throw all of that away

so you can have some high paying job.

You know what? Just forget about it. It's all good.

Hi. I'm Sunshine Castellano.

I'm Jett... Joan's Mother. Sorry.

So, yeah, our family is...

Just the two of us now, Um...

My partner, her father Desmond,

passed away from bone cancer four years ago, and...

It's just the two of us.

Okay. Do you support where Joan's headed right now?

Oh, yeah. I totally support Joan.

I think I'm very supportive.

I mean, you know,

she's very young.

She doesn't really know what she wants yet.

I mean, she'll figure it out, though.

Of course she'll... You know, she'll...

Figure out her artistic creativity

and where she fits in, and,

eventually we'll be doing art shows together,

and it'll be amazing. Yeah.

Great. Hi, everyone. Welcome. Come in.

Can you leave your shoes in the hall there?

Because Tom will complain if you wear them in the house.

Excuse me. Jaden.

You give your brother his ball back.

No, don't hit. Go upstairs you're grounded till supper.

Sorry about that. Um...

- Tom! This is Tom. - Hi.

Sorry. I was just vacuuming the neighbor's driveway,

I mean, it's ridiculous.

You must be Sylvia's documentary friends.

Yes. Tom, this is Lyndie. She's part of the documentary crew

I was telling you about.

The documentary on life work balance?

Yes. Lyndie. It's nice to meet you.

I'll stay out your way. If you need... shoes.

Okay. So I will get out of you hair.

- Dinner at six. - Thank you.

- Okay. - Love you.

Love you.

My name is Tom LaPointe.

I have an accounting business,

which I run out of my...

Home office.

I share parenting and housekeeping

responsibilities with my wife.

And I know, a lot of guy guys would, um...

You know, complain about that kind of thing.

But for me, it's something that I...

Can we put a pin in this for one second?

Just a couple more questions.

Uhh. Okay.

I really need to check in.

Just how do you feel about cats?

Um, I am allergic to them.

I hate them. Don't like them. Um...

Why would you ask me about that?

Um, nope.

Excuse me.

Then Pauline said, "Who wants to get stabbed first?"

And we all looked at Sylvia.

I mean, she's already a mom, right?

So it's only fair she goes first.

You guys are awful.

Are you sure they're for real?

Maybe they're all sitcom actors and you're being punked.

No, no, no. Joan made us read the whole contract.

- It's all legit. - Well, I'm glad.

You seemed pretty set on it.

Well, you know, I wanted to do something for us, you know.

Sweetie, you didn't have to get pregnant with a cat to prove your love for me.

I know.

No, I just wanted to.

My name is Jennifer Tremblay.

I own my own catering business.

And Maria and I have been together for four years.

I love cats.

I don't particularly like kids.

And science is cool.

Is that all you need?

Do you anticipate any problems with the family situation?

- Hello? - Mom.

That's the situation arriving just now.

Are you almost ready?

Why don't I just show you?

Mom, Dad, you didn't even tell me you were coming.

Hi Mark, Gabby.

Hi, Jennifer.

Well, we shouldn't have to remind you every week when it's time for church.

Mom, I've been out all day, and I haven't had any time to relax with Jennifer.

Then she should come with us. The word of the Lord is very relaxing.

Gabby, honey, I think the girls seem a little busy.

Besides, God knows who has him in their hearts.

Even if they never step foot in a church. Right?

I suppose. But no daughter of mine

is missing out on church two weeks in a row.

What will people say?

I can't wait until Gabby finds out about the cat.

So you're asking about my support system, and here he is.

This is Mr. Poof.

He's a five year-old Maine Coon

who I rescued when he was six months old,

and we've been inseparable ever since.

He's my soul mate.

Aren't you?

I used to joke that if there was ever like

an experiment to become a cat, I would be the first one in line.

Seriously, like I would have lined up in front of a lab,

like a nerd on Star Wars day to get in there.

So this is like, the next best thing.

Oh, Mr. Poof, you're gonna be such a good cat papa.

Aren't you? Yeah. Oh, I can't wait.

The secrecy is killing me, though.

I am so excited,

that if I don't share my joy with somebody soon,

I am going to explode.

And sorry, but you guys,

you just don't count. I mean, you're not even technically there. So.

Ouch.

Oh, excuse me a moment.

Hey, kitties, we're back.

So Mr. Poof and I have been having some really deep and hypothetical thoughts.

Like entirely hypothetical.

So, hypothetically speaking,

if you could give birth to a baby kitten,

would you do it?

Hit me back in the comments.

You did so good. You are so handsome.

Look even his butt's handsome.

So, Mr. Poof, do you prefer dry or wet cat food?

This is stupid.

They told you to interview my support person. This is my support person.

Yeah, he's a cat. He can't talk.

Just do it.

So, Mr. Poof, how do you feel about your person being involved in this trial?

Well, there you have it.

Mr. Poof is a realist.

He'll believe it when he sees it but he is very supportive.

You're nuts.

Pauline!

- You scared me. - Progress.

Don't even have a needle today.

- What do you want Pauline? - There's some guy in the lobby who wants to see you.

And here he is right now,

because apparently he doesn't understand the meaning of "Wait here."

Freedom of the press, sweetheart.

You can't keep me out.

You're gonna have freedom of my foot up your ass if you call me sweetheart again.

Is that a threat?

Because I'm recording this whole thing. I could have you arrested.

Oh, you're recording. Great.

Let the record show that this dumb ass

thinks freedom of the press means

he can trespass on private property

and record people without their consent.

Let go of me or I'll have you charged with assault.

Try it. I'd love to hear you explain to the cops

how you got in here in the first place.

It's okay, Pauline. I got this.

That's all right. I'm used to ejecting scum.

Used to work as a bouncer in college.

No, really, I'll handle it.

Okay. Whatever you say.

Bye bye, sweetheart.

- Did you just see that? - See what?

Nothing.

What do you want, Darryl?

So a little birdie told me that

you're starting a new trial.

- So what? - So how the hell did you get approval for a new trial?

Because I'm a licensed professional

and made a sound case to the medical ethics board

and my financial backers.

So you lied to them?

No, Fitzgerald, but you wouldn't know good science

if it came up and bit you in the ass.

Actually, offence.

That was totally an insult.

You watch it, Han.

Or I'll get this trial shut down.

Why? It has nothing to do with you.

It does when you're trying to hire my wife.

Your relationship or lack thereof,

is none of my business.

You're snooping on behalf of your own interests,

and I've had enough.

My personal life is none of your business.

My work is none of your business.

Get out of my office.

It was a mistake to cross me, Han.

Or didn't you learn that from the last time?

I learned plenty from last time.

Including how to file a restraining order

against someone who's harassing you.

Now, should I call the police

or do you wanna leave under your own power?

You'll regret this.

- Out of my way. - Chill out, man.

Hey, I see, you're wearing scrubs.

You part of this trial?

Maybe. Am I in trouble?

Not as much as trouble as Han's gonna be in.

- What? - Nothing. Say, I was wondering,

how do you feel about the genetic modifications

that Han is using in this trial?

- Genetic modifications? - Like GMOs.

It's not what this trial is about, is it?

I don't know. Is it?

Oh, man.

I better go find out.

Dr. Han, I got to talk to you. I'm like,

freaking out.

What is it this time, Tyler?

Dude. Dr. Dude.

Are those kittens GMOs?

Well, in the most technical sense of the word.

Yes.

Well, they've been modified to survive in the human womb.

We've tweaked them

so that their dander doesn't aggravate people's allergies.

Why?

Oh, man. Oh, man.

GMOs are bad news.

Don't you watch documentaries, man?

Only those based on actual science.

You shouldn't joke around about that stuff, man.

It's like chemicals. It's bad for you.

I should point out that the THC

that you're so found of is a chemical.

Don't try to change the subject, man.

Cannabis is natural and legal.

Man. If I knew what we were really doing here,

I would have never have taken the job.

What are you talking about?

I mean, I quit.

Well, crap.

- You want some? - I'm good.

Okay. More for me.

You can just dive into it, if you're okay.

That's fantastic. Um...

I'm just really happy that you decided to

cover all sides of story here

because there's a lot of things

that you don't know about.

Is there?

Why don't you to tell us about your relationship with Dr. Han?

That bastard's tryin' to steal my wife

- Stoner boy quit? - Yep.

Bummer. I never understood how that kid made it through

vet tech school to begin with.

You are a fountain of inspiration as always.

See what I just heard there was, "Wah-wah."

If only I knew another vet who needed a job and

wanted to jump my bones so badly that she would never quit.

Pauline, I don't know how you knew this, but,

you're a genius.

I'll expect to see your appreciation on my next paycheck.

Yeah.

Triple score.

- Hello. - Hello.

May I speak to Dr. MacKenzie, please?

This is the Han Clinic calling.

This is she.

This is Dr Han calling.

We spoke the other day about your application

to work on my clinical trial?

- Yes. - Well, a position has just opened up on my staff

and I was wondering if you were still interested.

Will, of course I am. I mean, Dr. Han.

I can begin at your earliest convenience.

Splendid.

I'm really glad you came.

We're doing the implantation at 9.30 tomorrow morning.

If I email you the documents now

will that give you enough time to catch up?

No problem. See you tomorrow.

Welcome aboard, Dr. MacKenzie.

It's implantation day.

Is everyone excited?

I am. I get to haul out my biggest needle.

Pauline!

You're scaring the patient.

It's okay. Dr. Han. Pauline and I are cool.

Yeah, we have a secret deal to split the profits

of the malpractice suit.

Will, they're just having fun with you. Relax.

- That's it? - For now.

What's next?

Next we wait for implantation to take place.

Once that happens, you might feel a little pinch.

After that, symptoms might include

lethargy, nausea, mood swings.

Don't forget to record everything you feel in your journal.

"Dear diary, today,

"I feel a creeping sense of ennui

"brought on by your increasingly divisive political climate."

Uhh. I might not be the right kind of doctor to help you with those symptoms.

"Also, I want a cookie."

That we can help with.

Score!

They're not Jennifer's, but, they'll do.

Why did I want to work on this trial?

There's just something about it.

That sense of closeness and excitement of getting a new pet

and taking care of it.

We're pushing it to a higher level.

I wanted to be a part of it.

And what about your relationship with Dr. Han?

Did that play into your decision as well?

I don't have a relationship with Dr Han.

Not that I don't want one, though.

He's just so damn professional.

So professionally speaking,

I believe in him and what we're doing here.

And I want to make it up to him.

What happened before.

What happened before?

You'll have to ask Will. That's not my story to tell.

So how can we at Young Street Savings and Loan help you today?

I'm here to apply for a line of credit

to pursue my education.

Okay. Do you have any existing loans from school?

Just some from my undergrad.

Okay, well, let's just take a look at your credit,

shall we?

Oh!

I see.

I'm aware that my debt load might be quite high

at the moment, but this loan is for law school.

So I fully anticipate a high paying income on the other side

so I can make my payments in full.

The interest rate on your existing loans is quite high.

You weren't able to get a government loan?

No, unfortunately,

my parents income was too high for me to qualify.

May I ask what your parents do for a living?

My mother is an artist.

- Really? - Yes.

They don't all live hand to mouth, you know.

Oh, no, I didn't mean to imply that, uh...

Well, at any rate, she wasn't able to help you.

No, it was more of a philosophical issue

than a financial one.

I see.

Well, Ms. Castellano, I'll be frank.

The only way the bank would be willing to take a risk on you

is if you could get someone such as your mother,

to co-sign the loan.

I understand, but I have a business plan

that, um...

I have a plan that...

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

We were done here anyway.

Okay. More purple.

Yes, but yesterday you said less,

so I just wanna make sure it's just not a different purple that you want.

More of the same purple. Sure.

Yes, Absolutely. No problem.

I'll have it ready for you for tomorrow morning.

No, thank you.

Oh, Tom, you don't need to clean up there

because you did that yesterday, and so it can't be dirty.

Yeah, it's okay. I don't mind.

So how is the work-life balance going today?

Hm?

Oh, that's good. Yeah, right.

Like I just had a conversation with a client.

And then now I'm I am picking up Noah in 20 minutes.

So that's good. It's going on.

Okay. Okay, great.

If you need any help or anything,

another interview, maybe,

just, you know, hello.

- Whatever. - Okay.

Can I get you a yogurt, my lady?

No, thank you, sir.

Okay. Hey, guess what I found?

- Ta-daa! - Aww.

Mr. Wrinkles.

So crisis averted.

- Okay. Love you. - Love you.

I know what you're thinking.

But hear me out, okay? I only lied about the documentary

because he's allergic to cats and he read this article online

about how hypoallergenic cats weren't a real thing.

But once he meets our actual hypoallergenic bundle of joy,

he's gonna be so happy. He wouldn't care that I lied.

You should have seen his face when our boys were born.

He totally cried.

So yeah, it's like more like a...

Surprise gift than a lie.

Yeah, if you think about it.

Right?

More purple. Okay.

My mom? Oh, she's great.

She's really always...

Around.

She's a nightmare.

She's one of those people that criticizes everything

but pretend she's not, so you can't call her on it.

My parents love Jennifer.

Even after I told my mom I was gay,

she still always thought I'd get married and have kids

just like my sister.

She's a little stuck on the kids part, but,

she'll come around.

She just wants me to be happy.

She wants us to have babies.

For my birthday, she bought me a book.

The Joys of Fertilization.

I don't know how she'll react to the pregnancy,

but it doesn't matter, right?

Because the whole thing is a secret.

We can just tell her we adopted it from a shelter.

I don't know if Maria forgets that this is going to air eventually,

but hell might actually freeze over

before Gabby is cool with her childless daughter

poppin' a kitten out of her lady garden.

Oh, Mr. Poof, it's already over 1,000 comments on our last video.

Here let's see.

Oh, this is a pretty representative sample.

Okay, Catlover281,

"I would give every dollar I own to give birth to my own squadorable kittens!"

Oh, my God.

See? And then there's this row of emojis with hearts for the eyes.

Aww!

Oh, this one... This one, Poofs, right?

Anonymous.

"If I could go back and do it again,

"I would have kittens instead of kids.

"I love my kids as people, but I only had them because everybody said

"I should do it before I got too old or I'd regret it.

"But now, my husband and I haven't been on a date in six years,

"I'm chronically sleep-deprived, and everyone knows me now

"as my kid's mom instead of my own person.

"I think I ruined my life."

Shit, that's some heavy stuff, man.

Man, that is such bullshit, you know?

I mean, if people don't wanna have kids,

then they shouldn't have to have kids.

Like get your brains out of the 1950s, people!

That's one of the reasons this trial is so important.

I know that it seems like this goofy vanity project at first glance,

but that shit is all about looking good for somebody else,

because there's just this idea that it's women,

that's what we're supposed to do.

But this isn't for anybody else, this is for us.

And more choices for women is always a good idea.

Traitor! Your farts are way worse, you stink demon!

Can you just edit the last bit out?

I'm sorry, I just feel like I took the sting out of my rant there.

Thank you.

Hey, sweetie, you look like you can use this.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

So,

what's up? What happened?

I got turned down for a loan.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

You know what, babe? Maybe it's for the best.

No, it's not for the best.

I really, really wanna go to law school.

Look, can you just...

You don't have to give me Dad's money,

but can you just co-sign with me for a loan,

so that I can do it and...

And I'll pay you back

or I'll... I'll pay it myself.

Wow.

You seem really determined.

I am.

Like,

how can I make you understand?

Sweetie, I feel the same way.

I mean, how can I make you understand?

Do you know how free and fulfilled you will feel

if you just let yourself try art?

Okay.

If I tried art and I was terrible at it,

then would you then co-sign with me for a loan, please?

Okay, well, if you tried it,

and you had no talent, whatsoever...

Okay, then it's a deal.

- Sincerely try it? - Yes.

But you have to shake on it.

- You promise? - I promise.

Okay. Yes!

All right, so now, we're talkin'!

All right, I got a list here.

Here we go.

There's a paint night tomorrow, a knitathon on Saturday.

Ooh, we'll go to a weaving workshop next weekend.

And pottery. Oh, you'll love that class.

Okay, this is crazy, paint by numbers, however...

So, week two, ladies.

How is everyone feeling?

Nauseated at the worst times and not in the morning either.

I thought this was called "morning sickness".

I know, right? I've been moaning and groaning like a little old lady.

My back is killing me and it can't be the kitten.

It... it's like the size of a gumdrop.

Oh my God, I would kill for gumdrop right now,

but I would stink up this entire room.

Mr. Poof won't even sleep with me anymore.

What the heck?

I don't have a kitten in my bowels.

I can so tell you guys have never been pregnant before.

My head's killing me and my moods are all over the place,

so if Tom even sneezes at the wrong moment,

I'm just... I'm liable to rip his head off.

But that's par for the course for me.

I smashed an entire dish set when I was pregnant with Jaden.

Wait, no, so this is normal?

I'm afraid so. All the symptoms you guys have been describing

are common in both feline and human pregnancies.

Now, some of the symptoms may abate as the pregnancy

progresses or stay the same or get worse.

So you're basically saying that you have no idea what's gonna happen.

This is an experiment. We're trying to find out what's happening.

Uh, if you want a resource, I printed out a handout

of the common symptoms during each stage of the pregnancy.

Fever, swollen boobs, uh, constipation, random crying.

And people wonder why I don't wanna have kids.

It ain't for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

I don't see it on here, but does anybody else get a weird impulse

to drink milk out of the dish?

No, I'm dead serious.

Page 3, food cravings.

Oh, shit. Maybe that's why I wanted to

rub up against my mom when she was cooking fish.

- No. - Okay, this is weird.

This is really weird.

- That's not normal. - Excuse me, this is... Darryl?

- Hi, Theresa. - Who's that?

- How did you get in? - I know the super.

Yeah, now you don't. This is a private clinic. You get lost.

Can't prevent me from speaking to my own wife, Han.

Well, maybe I can't, but the restraining order can.

Ex. Ex-wife, Darryl.

You have no right to show up here and interfere with my life!

- Yeah. - Tell him.

And there are serious consequences to breaching a restraining order!

You heard her. Beat it.

This isn't over.

I will not have you interfering in our marriage any longer.

Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone.

It's not your fault. Only Darryl's responsible for his own actions.

- What he said. - Yeah, this is not on you.

What a little wiener, though.

- Oh. - And I can definitely help you

report this to the police if you want.

Thanks, everyone. I think I just wanna go home.

I think I'm gonna have a nice civil conversation with our super.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, it's okay.

Oh, he's cute. Is this from the sew-a-thon?

Yeah.

Do you think your mom would make me one?

Oh God. If you tell her you like her stuff,

she will not stop making you stuff.

It's perfect.

What about that one?

Oh, this?

It's my attempt at a cat.

Hate to break it to you...

That I have no talent?

- I wasn't gonna say that. - Yeah, it's shit, I know.

Trust me, I know. It's just my mom you need to convince.

Okay, anyway, so how does this sound?

For sale, one purebred hypoallergenic kitten, price $1,500.

You just... You can't just say purebred though, you have to see the breed.

Okay, what's the breed?

It's Maine Coon.

Okay, "One purebred hypoallergenic

"Maine Coon kitten, price $1,500."

Price is a bit high, but people are crazy, someone will go for it.

But you also have to say when it's available,

otherwise people are gonna think that you have it now.

Right. Uh, okay, "Available in two months."

Is that a weird amount of time?

How long are cats even pregnant for?

Eight weeks.

So basically putting it up there as soon as you got knocked up.

Cool.

Are you sure you want to give them away, Joan?

I'm not giving it away, I'm selling it.

And yes, I'm sure.

Besides tuition down payments are due in a couple of months and...

my mom is not gonna come around any time soon.

Well, we can always do a GoFundMe or something.

You have choices if you want them.

I know. I know.

But I know what I want, and what I don't want,

and you know, I'll pet other people's cats, but I don't want one for keeps.

Besides, how many people out there would love to have it?

It'll just have a much better home with somebody else.

Fair enough.

Oh,

maybe we can sell him next.

- No. - Okay.

We have a dishwasher, you don't need to wash 'em by hand.

The dishwasher doesn't do a great job of caked-on food.

Sometimes you need to prewash, sometimes you need to scrub.

Okay, whatever you say.

You're making a mess.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna warn you that I'm feeling very hormonal today

and I cannot guarantee the safety of any limbs

that encroach my personal space.

- Ugh. - Do you wanna do it?

You know what? I wouldn't mind.

Okay, then I will just go and I'll... I'll fold some laundry

Oh, uh...

What?

It's just

I have never been comfortable

with the way that you fold socks.

Okay,

I'm going upstairs.

Tom does so much around the house.

I always laugh when my girlfriends complain

that their husbands put away one dish

and expect an engraved thank you card, and I'm like,

Oh my gosh, I wish I could get near the dishes.

Tom's so perfect, isn't he?

Please, just like one little recording.

I'm sorry, Rose, it's confidential information.

But I won't vlog until after the trial.

No, Facebook, no Instagram, no Twitter.

No Snapchat? No YouTube?

- No, I promise. - No LiveJournal?

No MySpace?

What is this? Early 2000s?

Reddit. Tumblr.

Scout's honor. I will not post anything until you say so.

You were a scout?

I was a brownie

for three weeks in the second grade

and mom made me quit when I brought a raccoon home from camp.

Thought it was a cat.

Your poor mother.

Oh, please, she still has him.

Buttons.

Well, I see you come by your obsessions honestly.

Okay, you may have a copy

of the recording of your ultrasound on the condition

that you wait until after the documentary is released before you share it.

Done, yes, deal. Whoo!

Ready?

Yeah.

Oh, I can't believe this.

There it is.

That's the heartbeat.

Congratulations. You have a viable kitten.

Oh my God, I can't believe it.

Hi, Pooflet. Oh, it's your mommy.

I love you so much.

Oh.

Thanks, guys.

You're gonna be so cute!

Thanks so much, guys. I'm gonna go show Mr. Poof

- right now. - Oh.

I'll see you next week.

- Take care. - Bye!

That was something.

Yeah.

You know, it's... It's one thing to say

you're going to pioneer a procedure to bring people happiness,

and it's another to look in their eyes,

and see the impact it's had on their lives.

It's humbling.

That's how I feel when I look at you.

You're amazing.

The things you can do, the lengths you go to to help people.

I just wish you'd give yourself permission

to seek that kind of happiness.

I'm... I'm done trying to fly under the radar, it's not working.

From now on, I'm gonna go for it and not just with my work.

Let's go forward together.

See where it takes us.

- And you want $1500. - Mm-hm.

That's a bit steeper than the other breeders we were looking at.

Uh, well, you know, that may be true,

but you know, you're gonna get your money's worth,

because the kitten is hypoallergenic.

Oh, that'll be great for your hay fever, huh?

It's really expensive.

How many kittens are you expecting from the litter?

Maybe we could take the runt at a discount.

Um, uh, actually, there's only one kitten available at this time.

So they're all spoken for?

Uh, yeah, kind of some... something like that. Mm-hm.

Oh, that's great, hon, we can snag the last one.

I don't know.

You don't have any breeder credentials at all.

Will there be a certificate with the kitten?

Uh, you know, uh, I... I don't have any credentials to show you,

but I promise you that everything is above board

and um, I can get you a certificate with all of that information on there. So...

Well, I'll have to at least inspect the dame

and the sire as well if possible.

Um, that's not possible either right now, actually.

What about her medical records?

Um, I can't show you those either right now, but, um, uh... Oh.

Oh. Oh, sorry, I burned myself earlier.

Um, I don't have any medical records.

Um, but you know what I do have, I have an ultrasound photo.

They do ultrasounds for cats now?

Yeah, it's like, the latest technology.

Oh, look at the little ears.

All right.

We'll purchase the kitten on the condition

it's inspected by a vet of our choice before the payment goes through.

That's fair. Totally.

Mm-hm.

Oh, Helen, thank you so much for having the boys.

Hope they weren't too much trouble?

No more trouble than my own.

Knock it off or I'm taking it!

Nice.

Um, so... My place next week?

Sounds great.

All right.

Oh, my gosh, I didn't know you had a cat!

- Yeah, Jinxy's new. - Oh.

We got her at the shelter last weekend after Tucker found a mouse in the garage.

She wasn't here 40 minutes before she got it.

- Ain't she pretty? - She's great.

Oh, my gosh. Hi, pretty. Hi, come here, come here.

Hi. Oh, my gosh, I love you so much.

Oh, my God, you're so beautiful.

Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh,

Tom must have been sneezing his face off when he dropped off the boys.

No, he seemed fine.

Tucker invited him in for a drink and Jinxy jumped right into his lap.

I didn't know he had allergies.

Oh. Fine then.

Really? That's good.

You know, 'cause um, Jaden and Noah

have wanted a cat forever, so you know, maybe now he'll go for it.

Hmm.

Yeah, I don't really know what to make of Tom's non-allergic reaction to Jinxy.

I mean, he always claimed he was too allergic

even for those supposedly hypoallergenic cats,

which you know, something to do with their saliva, so...

Is it possible he lied about being allergic?

What? Tom? No, because no,

he's practically perfect, so he would never do anything like that.

No.

No, it's probably more like he...

he grew out of it, you know.

I mean, I haven't seen him with a cat since we were...

we met and that was 15 years ago.

So it's... It's probably he thinks he is, because he was as a kid.

I... I mean, anyway, it's a good thing, right?

Because if he liked Jinxy, he's gonna love our kitten.

Right?

You know, you don't actually have to drink out of that.

Just curious, what's it like to be bad at literally everything you try?

Frustrating.

Especially when my mom keeps telling me, "You just need to practice."

Mm-hm.

By the way, are all of these actually comments on your last post?

- Mm-hmm. - There's thousands.

- Mm-hmm. - Well, we've had

a few hundred thousand views on it,

so that's only a fraction of the people who have seen it.

Oh. Well, what are they saying?

"You're the best. I love all your videos

"and I got my sister hooked on them, too. Meow."

- Oh. - That's cute.

Oh, my gosh.

Being pregnant with a cat would be an abomination against men and God.

Like no one's forcing you to watch the video.

There's a few killjoys.

More than a few.

You're a slut and any cats that come out of you would be sluts, too.

Just ignore them.

No, you know what? No way. What this guy said was low. I'm replying to this asshole.

"Dear sir, please cease and desist your vile character slurs

"or you'll be hearing from my lawyer."

Are you crazy? You cannot post that, you'd start a war.

Well, maybe we need a war.

Oh, well, it wouldn't be an equal-sided war,

it would just be like a tidal wave of douchebags

just ripping apart my life and laying waste to it.

And then I'd have to either like move or change my name or worse, even go offline.

Really?

Yeah, haven't you ever heard of Gamergate?

Vaguely.

Well, that's what happens when women speak out online.

You say anything even remotely critical

about the whole dude-centric way of the world

and you have a shit ton of douchebags

who you have never even met,

just pounce all over your Twitter

and savage you with claws made of rape threats,

and then they're acting like you deserve it.

And then they go ahead, and they steal your passwords,

and they steal your illicit tit pics,

and then they share your address with all the stalkers of the world,

and then the cops still won't do anything because it's not real life.

So you're saying you have a lot of illicit tit pics to protect?

That's what you took away from that?

I'm just kidding.

You should have as many tit pics as you want.

Well, feel free to start a movement.

I think we already have one of those.

Even so. Now, the websites,

they mainly just like let it happen, so,

you have to change all the rules.

Well, why do you think I wanna go to law school so bad?

All right.

Wow, babe, it looks amazing!

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

I hope your mother thinks so, too.

Hello!

Hi.

I'm sure she will.

Uh, Mom. Who's your friend?

Oh, this is Robert. His mother goes to church with us.

Pleased to meet you.

Your mother's told me so much about you.

And this is from my mom.

Oh. Thank you.

Why doesn't everybody take a seat?

Dinner's almost ready.

Hmm.

So, uh, how's everybody's week been?

I went to the new exhibit at the science center.

Oh, that's great, Dad. What was it on?

Speaking of science, did you know that heart disease

is the number one killer in North America?

Robert, is there any history of heart disease in your family?

Uh, not that I know of, no.

What about family history of chronic illness?

No, I don't think so.

My grandparents are in their 90s and they're still kickin'.

- Hmm. - So you won a genetic jackpot then?

Mm. Uh, so, Maria, your mother told me that you do carpentry.

Did you go to school for that?

Uh, I went to university for accounting,

but I realized I was wasn't a boring zombie person like my sister.

- Hmm. - So I, uh,

quit and went to trade school instead.

And I still have the first birdhouse that she made for me.

You know, I always knew you were gonna do something with your hands, honey.

Robert finished second in his class at U of T Pharmacy School

I did. Uh, did my mom tell you that?

You must have a very high IQ.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, so, Mark, how was the science center?

Well, it was pretty good.

The exhibit on the black widows was especially interesting.

Margaret from church told me that her daughter Claire

was a surrogate for a nice young gay couple last year.

Said it was a wonderful experience.

Such a nice thing to do, help a family in need

who can't have a child on their own.

God smiles upon those good deeds.

So, Robert, how do you know Gabby again?

The wedding is just a few months away.

Have you started to look at sperm donors?

No.

We've been pretty focused on our wedding.

Hmm.

And if you do ask someone for that type of donation,

it's probably better to do it

with someone who you've known for a while,

not someone who you just met at a family dinner.

Did your mom just try to get us to take that guy's baby batter?

I am so sorry, babe. She crossed the line.

I'm surprised she didn't show up with a goddamn turkey baster.

It can't last forever.

She'll come around.

Well, I'm still gonna have to check the guest list for any more Roberts.

Are you marking me?

No.

Okay, third trimester check in.

How're we feeling?

Weird.

Uh, is anyone feeling more catlike than usual?

Yeah.

No, this is pretty normal.

Don't look at me.

Is that normal?

Well, since this is a clinical trial,

we're all kind of out on a limb.

I wouldn't have expected you

to start exhibiting catlike traits, but there you have it.

Let me call in Pauline and I'll get her to take some DNA samples

and I'll see if anything unusual's happening.

You know, I hate candy corn.

When I was pregnant with Noah, I craved it like crazy.

And then when he was born, gone.

Guess what? The kid loves candy corn,

he's literally the only kid I know

that eats that shit on Halloween.

So you think maybe the cats inside of us

that wanna do these things, not us?

I hope so, because I don't know

how long I can pretend that I'm just stretching my leg out

every time I attempt to butt-licking.

Is that actually possible?

Not if you're a human.

If you're a contortionist maybe.

All I know is that this weirdness

is making it really hard for me to register for my classes.

So your mom agreed to co-sign?

Almost.

I just have two forms of art left to try,

macrame and glassblowing.

And you're rotten at them all?

Yeah, abysmal. And I'm not even faking it, so yeah.

Anyways, how's things with your mom?

Ugh, if anything, she's gotten worse.

I'm actually worried Jennifer might up and kill her one of these days.

I'd be more worried about her up and leaving you.

What did Tom say when you told him about the cat?

I still haven't actually.

Wait, you haven't told him yet?

He's gonna find out, he's gonna be pissed at you.

Well, I hope not. And you know, everyone says

Tom's perfect, so he'll probably just react perfectly.

Oh, no, there's no such thing as a perfect person.

And the more perfect they seem,

the harder they're trying and the bigger the snap when they crack.

Oh. Well, shit.

Yo, guinea pigs, how's it goin'?

Uh, why is Rose under the table?

It's a long story.

I'd especially like a DNA sample from her, please, Pauline.

You got it.

Oh, be careful, she's not feeling well.

Psst-psst.

Who's got a laser pointer?

There's the laser pointer.

Bad kitty!

I'll be right back. I have to use the bathroom.

Something wrong, Maria?

No.

I just felt a sudden urge to find a sandbox.

Expedite those results for me, will you?

That's a good thing I'm not allowed to

talk about this with anybody,

because nobody would believe this shit anyway.

So what are we doing here so late?

To get some answers.

What do you want, man? It's 3:00 a.m.

News doesn't sleep, buddy.

Is everything okay?

Is that you, Syl?

Oh, Tom,

I was... I was gonna tell you.

When? When you

came home with a baby cat that you gave birth to?

I was just waiting for the right time.

Ugh, I can't believe it.

I can't believe you signed up for some shady medical trial...

without even talking to me about it.

It's not shady, okay?

It's the reporter, he has it out for us.

Syl, it's cats.

Cats. I'm allergic to cats.

Sometimes I feel like

I don't even matter to you.

Are you?

- Am I what? - Are you really allergic to cats?

'Cause according to Helen,

- you didn't mind Jinxy at all. - Huh.

And this is after the boys begged you,

they begged you for a cat and you told them

you were allergic to even the hypoallergenic ones.

Syl, I was with Jinxy for like three minutes.

Bullshit! You lied.

I lied?

Mm-hmm.

I lied.

So what if I lied?

I don't want a... a drooling, shedding,

scratching, muddy animal crawling through here.

I mean, I have three slobs I have to clean up after now.

Slobs?

Now, who doesn't matter?

Syl, that's not what I meant.

Tom, no one asked you to keep this house spotless, okay?

The world will not come crashing down around your ears

if we can't eat off the fuckin' floor!

Don't... don't change the subject.

You're pregnant.

You're pregnant and you didn't tell me.

And you guys, none of you guys told me.

And it isn't even mine.

Oh, God damn it.

Well, I guess there's no point in being cagey, now that the worst has happened.

God, I'm so sorry, Will.

No, you... You can't keep blaming yourself.

Every time you do that, he wins.

He always wins anyway.

Darryl's the reason Will can't practice human fertility anymore.

After I met Will, I broke up with Darryl

and Darryl accused Dr. Han in the papers

of sexually assaulting me.

Charges were never laid, of course,

but the damage to his reputation was done.

And now, it's happening all over again.

Hey, we'll figure something out, okay?

We won't just roll over for him again.

Okay.

What the hell am I supposed to tell

the Cat Fanciers' Association?

You won't have to tell them anything.

Its parents are purebred cats.

I can even get you the names.

Look, I am just a surrogate, okay?

I really need the money.

Well, in that case, you better pray

I don't decide to sue you and your abominable doctor for false advertising!

You know what? You won't have a leg to stand on

because nothing I wrote was a lie.

Well, good for you.

I'm sure you and your furry little freak will be happy together!

Excuse me?

Hello?

Hey, honey, I'm going to a quilting workshop, you wanna come?

Uh, no, you know, I was just thinking

that we could go to the bank and sign the paperwork.

Oh!

Uh, wow, that's kinda jumping the gun a little bit, don't you think?

No, I mean, I don't think...

I mean, I've done everything you've asked, you know?

The paper mache, and the...

the crocheting, and the wood burning, you know?

Can we just stop the farce now?

Farce?

Wow, so us spending quality time together was a... a farce?

We weren't spending quality time, Mom,

I was proving to you that I'm not an artist.

Okay, honey, I know you...

You think that, but nobody's good at it right off the bat.

Sweetheart, you just have to find your discipline

- and then just... - You were never serious, were you?

You were never gonna co-sign with me!

You were just tricking me into taking all of your stupid classes!

Stupid?

Oh, wow!

So your mind is as closed as hers was?

- I am not my grandmother! - Well, you might as well be.

You know what? I'm done. I'm done. That's it.

What does that mean?

It means have fun being self-righteous by yourself...

I'm moving out.

Oh, Jett, come on!

Are you serious? You're being ridiculous!

Okay, I read over the restraining order again

and it doesn't say anything about articles,

but we can definitely press charges

for that day he came into the office.

It's over.

What do you mean it's over? Darryl apologized?

Paper retracted the story?

I mean, that was the board on the phone.

They want us to put everything on hold

until they can send someone over to audit us.

We can't exactly pause the pregnancies.

That's what I told them.

And what did they say?

They advised me to terminate the pregnancies.

Will, tell me you're not going to do it.

I mean, you were the one who said

we can't just roll over and let him win.

We have no assets, they've frozen the accounts.

Sorry for interrupting,

but I just thought you should know right away.

- I'm quitting. - What?

- And there it is. - But why?

You seem nice and all, and the guinea pigs are cute,

but no money, no Pauline.

Just like that, huh? After all we've been through together.

My damn kid's not gonna look after himself.

He should.

Well, later. It's been weird,

though not entirely unentertaining.

Oh, Pauline, come here.

Rose Prescott is a liar and a slut.

Somebody should hack her medical records and put them online.

Pregnant with a cat.

What? So now instead of morning sickness,

she's gonna be coughin' up hairballs?

No way. This chick is crazy!

It's just a few detractors.

There are always some bad apples, aren't there?

Our followers will be there for us.

Look, I love Rose,

but who the hell does she think she's kidding?

Pregnant with a cat? Come on. Can you say publicity stunt?

This is like the Bonsai Cats thing all over again.

Listen, I was fully on board with donating to her cat shelter,

but now I'm wondering if she's going to sexually abuse the cats.

I'm out.

Poofster,

what do we do?

I can't believe he was allowed to use this photo.

Don't you need permission from people before you publish their photos?

I think that's only if you're not in public.

Ugh, don't take his side!

Love, I'm always on your side. You know that.

Let's burn down his house.

Oh, no, that... That's her.

- I know... - It's okay, I'll handle it.

You, this is all your doing, isn't it?

Come on, Maria, get up.

We're going to see Father O'Malley right now to pray for your soul!

Hi, Gabby. Can I take your coat?

Don't you sass me.

How could you do this to my daughter?

It's bad enough that she'll never have kids because of you,

but now you've got her pregnant with this... this abomination!

God sends sinners like you to hell

and good riddance, you little bitch.

Oh, did you just call the love of my life,

your future daughter-in-law a "bitch"?

If anyone needs to see Father O'Malley, Mother, it's you!

How dare you use our religion

to insult and shame another person?

You know we don't want kids.

Yet you take every opportunity to make it clear

that you don't care about what we want.

The least Christian person in this room is you.

So if you can't respect our choices,

then you're not welcome in this house!

That was awesome!

- I'm so sorry. - Hey, don't, don't, don't.

Thank you for standing up for me.

I love you.

- What are we gonna do? It's all ruined! - Hey, it's okay.

It might not be all bad. Let's just listen to what Dr. Han has to say.

The Medical Review Board wants to put a hold

on the trial until after they've completed an audit.

Our funds have been frozen,

Pauline is gone,

and I'm under tremendous pressure to terminate your pregnancies.

Never mind. It's all bad.

It's okay, Rose. Maybe you can try again next time.

I don't wanna try again, I want this one.

You're just saying that, 'cause you don't even want yours.

Hey, that is not fair!

Just because I'm not keeping mine

doesn't mean I want it to go away.

This little guy or girl

is gonna be someone's forever family,

and they're gonna cuddle, and be petted,

and rip the entrails out of mice.

Sorry, I got in a huge fight with my mom.

Pretty sure I'm homeless.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I was so mean to you.

Oh, you... You can come live with me.

Well, I... I am not gonna cry

because... because I'm pissed.

This article ruined my life. Tom's not even speaking to me anymore.

I'm really sorry.

You? Why are you sorry?

- The reporter's my ex-husband. - Shut up.

No, really. He wrote this to get back at me

for this.

- Shut up. - No, it's true.

And we're deeply sorry for everything that's happened.

We hope you guys can forgive us for...

No, seriously, shut up. You...

You have terrible taste in men, except for right now.

But you... you previously had terrible taste in men.

But it's... It's not your fault.

And you... You are so unlucky,

but we can't really blame you for that!

And...

I don't remember what I was... where I was going with this.

Oh, my God, I'm so tired!

It sucks, I really miss Tom.

I can't do this, I can't leave them like this.

What other options do we have?

They've stopped our funds,

but they haven't revoked our permission to run the trials.

Our paperwork's still in order.

I mean, unless the documentary crew is pulling out.

- Are you kidding? This shit's just getting good. - Okay.

Okay, well, then we might have enough to finish a trial and collect the data.

It'll be successful. I know it will.

And then afterwards, they'll be too excited to punish us.

Better to ask forgiveness than permission, right?

Besides, what else could go wrong?

Well, don't say stuff like that, the roof light might fall in.

Don't worry about it.

I feel like I could hold up the whole thing myself right now.

You have no idea what it means to have your support after all this.

Oh, I think I have some idea.

Okay, ladies, this is what we're gonna do.

We're going to continue with the pregnancies.

- Really? - Won't you lose your license?

Hopefully not. But I'm afraid there may be a significant delay

in the payment you were supposed to receive at the end of the trial.

I'll do it for free, I don't care, just don't kill my cat.

I still wanna continue. Uh, we can manage without the money.

Same.

I mean, I was in it for the money at first,

but it doesn't feel right to quit right now,

especially under these circumstances.

Good. Then we're all agreed.

What are we gonna do about Darryl?

Uh, he's not gonna take this lying down.

Well, I was planning on filing charges against him

for breaching his restraining order.

Well, that's a great start, but it's not gonna unpublish the article.

And sadly, that's the best we can do right now.

I know what we can do.

- What? - I'm not sure I like that smile.

Yeah, let's not do anything to get us arrested, okay?

- I'm not gonna crush him with a cement mixer. - Oh.

It's much too expensive. No, but he deserves it.

Here, here.

We're gonna give him a taste of his own medicine.

How?

We're gonna harness the power of cuteness.

We're gonna make the entire world witness a miracle.

We're gonna live stream the births!

You mean let's broadcast our vaginas to the entire internet?

Pass.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're gonna film from a non-va-jay-jay angle.

Oh, good, 'cause no one needs to see that.

It's just two kids and...

And so that takes us to high school.

I was quite popular, as you might imagine.

One year I was actually invited to seven different Bible studies on the same...

Excuse me, where do you think you're going?

It's Sunday.

I am going to Maria and Jennifer's for dinner.

Mark, I'm pretty sure we've been uninvited

ever since the big secret came out.

We were never uninvited.

You uninvited yourself.

But you can't go.

She'll interpret that as you accepting her choices.

Well, she'll interpret it correctly then.

- What? - Gabby, my dear,

I support our daughter's choices,

even if they are a little weird.

I thought you were a good Christian.

I am.

Judge not lest you be judged.

Oh, please, what have I done that God would judge me for?

So you're actually going without me?

Well, if you choose to stay behind, then yes, I am.

Gabby,

children are a gift from God.

Even the furry ones.

Shall we continue?

High school. Hm.

Oh, you think you can threaten us, huh?

No, reported.

What? You wanna direct message my friend Rose

to tell her you disagree with all of her life choices?

I don't think so. Delete.

Oh. You think you can hack into our d...

What's wrong?

Just, ow, wait.

Oh, my gosh, I know this pain.

Okay, it's coming.

But you're early.

Is it my fault my birth canal is a slip and slide?

Help!

Oh, no, it's happening!

Okay, you, okay.

- Okay, be careful with the door. - I got it.

- Hey. Get her in a chair, please. - Hey.

Oh, gosh, here comes another one.

- Oh, thank you. - Okay, quick, get her in the procedure room.

- Should I call Rose to bring the weapon? - No, don't. She's early.

Oh, please be okay in there, little one.

Oh, be okay.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!

How... How can something so little hurt so much?

I'll get you something for the pain.

Okay. No, no. Wait, will that hurt the kitten?

Okay, look,

we're in uncharted territory here.

We can't be sure what might happen.

Okay.

And then I will go without.

- You sure? - Did I stutter?

Okay, no drugs.

Oh, God!

How does it look?

Not good.

It's looking like a breech birth.

- I'm worried about them both. - I'll call Tom.

Oh, oh, my God.

Oh, Tom, you came!

Oh, of course, I came, I love you.

I love you. I'm so sorry that I lied.

I love the boys so much and I want them to have a...

No, I'm sorry that I lied, I get caught up about the house...

- Oh, I brought you a sandwich. - Cat... Ow!

Okay, Sylvia, your kitten's coming out tail first and it's stuck.

- Oh, no. - I'm gonna have to reach in and try to turn it around, okay?

- Okay. - Deep breaths. Here we go.

So our live stream is going brilliantly so far.

We have it already trending on Instagram, Twitter,

I think we've got Tumblr going on as well and...

Oh, my God, it's hap... Mr. Poof, it's happening.

Oh, my God, Sylvia's in labor, it's happening, Mr. Poof!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That's it and it's out.

Congratulations.

You have a beautiful baby girl.

Hi.

- It's a little baby girl. - Hey.

I know.

What do you wanna do, Tom?

Oh, we'll... We'll just... we'll hire a cleaner.

- Girly, I know. - Who's daddy's little fuzz girl?

- Are we late? - Did we miss it? Boy or girl?

Hey, hey, it's a girl!

- It's a girl! - Oh.

Hey, kitty, yes.

Say "cheese" for Instagram.

One more time, little one.

Oh, perfect.

Hi.

No,

you're...

You're not supposed to be happy, you're supposed to be ruined.

Oh, Joan, you're still here.

Yeah, sorry, I can go.

No, it's okay. What are you lookin' at?

It's a picture of Gracie.

Everyone's going crazy over it.

They love her.

Well, that's good, right?

Yeah.

But?

But my kitten won't have that.

You know, the whole family thing.

Just some chick who doesn't even want her.

Well, maybe that couple you met will change their minds once they see that picture.

Uh, even if they did, I wouldn't give her to them.

The only reason they want her is to show her off at events.

I want my cat to have a real family.

This could be it, Will.

You sure?

Probably catch a lot of heat for continuing on with the trials.

I'm sure I want a family with you

and what better way to start it?

What are you guys talking about?

Joan,

would you consider Theresa and I as adoptive parents for your kitten?

- Really? - Really.

We'll love her to bits.

We promise.

Of course, you guys would.

Can I come visit her sometimes,

you know, and just check in and see how she's doing?

I'd like to see you all

try to drop out of our lives after this trial's over.

Who are we kidding?

The kitten's gonna have its own Instagram account and everything.

Oh, wait, I thought you didn't do the internet.

Jeez, Joan, how old do you think I am?

Well, all we have to do now

- is convince the internet to be on our side. - Right.

You got this.

Okay.

It all started when I was married to Darryl

and we happened to go to the fertility clinic

where Dr. Han worked.

Darryl wanted kids and I didn't,

but I went anyway

because that's how messed up we were together.

He went so far as to try to convince the doctors there

to inseminate me against my will.

But Dr. Han, William,

stood up for me.

Everything that Theresa said is complete fabrication.

Theresa and I were happy before we met with Dr. Han.

He made advances on my wife.

He... He abused his position of power to influence her

to make her think that I was trying to hurt her.

Hello?

There you are.

No one answered, but the front door was open.

Jennifer's at work.

This is nice.

Is that a peace offering?

It's something blue for you and Jennifer.

Either one of you can wear it.

I actually don't even know what Jennifer's wearing to the wedding.

I spoke with Father O'Malley

and he reminded me of the golden rule.

My agreeing or not agreeing with your choices

doesn't excuse my behavior.

I'm sorry to both of you.

Your grandmother wore this at her wedding

and she wanted me to wear it at mine.

I remember hating it at the time.

I don't even remember why I didn't wanna wear it.

Because your overbearing mother wasn't respecting your choices?

- Okay, I walked into that one. - Look, Mom.

I'm glad you came to apologize. It's great.

I just really hope it's genuine.

You say you're fine now,

but a few months from now,

I just really hope you mean it.

I'll just leave this here for you.

I'm not quite ready

to accept a peace offering just yet.

Can I see it?

It's beautiful.

I'm sorry, Jennifer.

"Welcome him, but not to quarrel in opinions,"

Romans 14:1.

It will look beautiful on her.

She just needs time,

but she loves you, a lot.

Goodnight, Jennifer.

All right, people, it's go time.

- Sound? - Uh, check.

- Camera? - Check.

- Live stream? - Yes, check.

- Actual film crew? - Check.

All right. Let's make history.

Let's blow up the internet!

- Ooh, God... - It's coming.

- You're doing great. Just a little bit more. - No. I'm doing okay.

All right, it's out! And...

It's a boy.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Hi, little one.

Hi, Oliver.

Oh, he's perfect.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hi, little guy. Hey.

Oh.

- He's beautiful. - Yeah, he's... He's...

I don't know. Just do what she said to do, well...

The F key? Uh, let's send it.

- Oh, here we are. - Oh!

Hi, Oliver, it's your grandparents.

Hi, Ollie! Oh, our adorable little grand fur baby.

We love you.

- Oh. - Meow.

Oh, my God, it's so weird.

Okay, you're almost there, Joan. Just one more big push.

And it's out!

- Oh, oh! - It's a girl.

It's our little fur baby.

Say "hello" to Aunty Joan, Molly.

Hi, Molly. Nice to meet you.

Yes, I know. I know.

And this is me and Mr. Poof from last Halloween.

- Oh, my God. - Oh!

- Oh, it's starting. It's starting. - Oh.

Oh, you can do it, girlfriend.

Any messages for your viewing public, Rose?

Yeah. Hey, Darryl.

Get bent, you dirt stash, cat lovers for life.

Oh.

Sunshine? What are you doing here?

Well, uh, your good friend Rose said that I should be here

and Theresa let me in.

Oh, God, did it happen already?

- Yeah. - Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I can't believe you did all this for money for law school!

Well, yeah, I mean, that's what it was at first,

but I really believe in what Dr. Han is doing.

After everything that's happened,

I'm gonna go into human rights law.

I'm gonna stand up for people.

Wow! You sound just like your dad.

Maybe the apple doesn't fall that far from the tree after all, huh?

Maybe I'm the one who's been acting like your grandmother.

Does that mean you support me goin' to law school?

Honey, I support you chasing your dreams.

I mean, whatever that is.

- I love you. - I love you, too, Mom.

Missed you.

Sorry, guys, I'm so sorry,

but I'm so happy you've made up, but I have to push right now.

Right now.

- Okay. - That's it.

That's it. There it is!

Almost there.

Oh, it's a girl!

Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, hi, baby.

See that? Meet Pooflet.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, I love you.

Hi, baby.

I hate to admit it, but the kitty is pretty cute.

And hey, somebody hacked the medical records,

but there's nothin' to find. Congrats, Rose.

Holy shit! She actually did it!

She's still crazy, but at least she's legit.

Hi, Pooflet, you're so cute. Yeah, you are.

Rose, I'm sorry for the hate.

You do you, girl.

Rose Prescott, Mr. Poof, and Pooflet.

Oh, Pooflet looks exactly like you.

Rose, I have to say, I am sorry that I doubted you

and I am gonna donate to your shelter fund right now,

because I really wanna help rescue

all those kitties.

No, can't you people see this is wrong!

Holy crap, you guys, I think we broke the internet.

Well, if one kitten's cuteness can make Gabby change her tune,

the rest of the world should be melting by now.

Yeah. Eat shit, Darryl.

Theresa!

- Theresa, please, come on. - Is... Is that Darryl?

Please, Theresa, just open the door.

Sylvia, call the police.

- Everybody stay here. - Oh, no, I'm coming, too.

Theresa, please!

Come on, Han, I saw the live stream

and I know what's going on.

Let's just talk.

Come on, you son of a bitch!

You open the door or I will...

You hear me?

He's not well, Will. This has gone beyond.

He needs help.

Plus, he used the wrong man in this situation here.

Han, open this door. Who is it?

What's up, doc?

Jesus Christ, you just took 10 years off of my life!

I... I... I think you broke my back.

- Theresa, could you just, please j... - Get that back.

So I saw the live feed. Oh.

Those fuzzballs sure are cute.

And I figured I could be of service.

- Seems I was right. - Pauline, uh...

- Thank you. - Thank you.

What's going on here?

This is Darryl Blackburn. He's my ex-husband.

He's been harassing us for months.

He's been spreading lies about us online

and now he's broken into our clinic.

We have a restraining order against him, officers,

and this is the third time he's been here.

Yeah, John, that's the doctor from the live stream.

You know, the one with the cats?

- Cat's coming out of the... - No shit.

- So who tied him up? - Right here.

And there's more where that came from if you catch my drift.

Okay, we'll be checking the restraining order back at the station.

And ma'am, you need to come with us for a statement.

I'll check in with you guys later.

Thank you so much, Pauline.

First statement, yes, I am single.

Okay.

I started in this trial

thinking it was just some crazy research project,

but now that it's done,

we've not only advanced the fields of human and feline genetics,

we've also seen how much love and joy

that these kittens have brought into the world,

and it may seem weird for some,

but this is something that'll change lives

and bring more love into the world.

And what about love for you?

Well...

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull