Original subtitles

In spite of all the warnings, she was smoking in bed and fell a sleep.

Bad move!

And the fire begins.

It's show time!

Don't worry, ma'am. I'm here to save you!

Keep those people back! This is an emergency!

Don't you dare die on me!

Breathe, damn it, breathe!

She's gonna make it! She's gonna make it!

What the--

Oh, damn!

Though it may be hard to believe that a single biology professor...

making in excess of$1 7,500 a year...

could manage to find time to grade your first biology research papers, I did.

As you can see, there was a shocking statistical anomaly.

Pretty much all of you got A's.

You deserve to congratulate yourselves. I got a good feeling about this group.

And I think that the parade of A’s will continue to the end of the semester.

So much for the bell curve, right?

Bell curves suck!

Mr. Kane?

Dr. Kane, seems to be a mistake here.

My brother and I each got a C-minus on our reports.

C-minus. Me too.

Allow me to share something with the entire class.

As I was grading papers, I came across two gems, both entitled "Cells Are Bad."

And both with just one paragraph...

which I unfortunately committed to memory.

"Cells are bad.

My uncle lives in a cell. It's ten foot by twelve.

And he has to read the same boring magazine every day.

The end."

You're talking about our papers, aren't you, Dr. Kane?

Yes, I am.

Although my standards are not where they used to be...

I still could not bring myself to put an A on top of those beauties.

Hope you understand.

- Sure. - Yeah, okay.

Let's get back to work at the Periodic Table which is not, as some suppose--

A meteor? Where?

Route 89-A.

Yeah, I got it.

Rest assured I will be there. Okay. Bye.

How's it look, Professor?

It's tight.

Really tight, Nadine, but not too tight.

You just don't have the points. I'm sorry.

Don't take it too hard. Geology's a tougher subject than people think.

Are you sure? Couldn’t you check again?

I really need this credit to get into nursing school.

Nursing school?

Wouldn’t you be more comfortable where people's lives weren't dependent on you?

Actually, what I really want to be is Miss Arizona.

But my consultant says nursing school will really impress the judges.

- Makes me look like I help people. - Ready for lunch?

Or have you already eaten?

I was concluding a teacher-student conference with Nadine, Ira.

Harry, your dedication touristy is an inspiration to us all.

Regrettably, I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane.

We'll talk about your extra credit later, okay? Cheer up.

Let me grab my stuff.

Where you taking me?

A meteor hit last night.

Oh, that's what that was.

As the Glen Canyon representative of the U.S. Geological Survey...

I have been assigned to check it out.

I'm taking you in case I actually have to do something scientific. Then we eat.

You're a representative of the U.S.G.S.?

Signed up over the Internet.

Were you on some cheerleader site and accidentally linked to the U.S.G.S.?

Something like that.

Watch it. Take it easy. That's my baby.

Watch it. Take it easy. That's my baby.

There you go. Easy.

Come on, be careful!

Who's gonna pay me for the damage to my goddamn car?

Son, I told you we don't do that. It's force majeure.

Force majeure, my ass! That car's a classic '73 Buick Rivera.

Who are you?

Harry Block, United States Geological Survey.

This is my secretary, Ira Kane.

We're here to investigate the meteor. If that’s what it is.

Of course it's a damn meteor. It almost blew up my damn car.

I'm still fuzzy on what you were doing here in the middle of the night.

With Betty Lou here.

For the thousandth time, I was practicing for my fireman's exam...

which started seven minutes ago, so I'd appreciate if you let me go.

You and the blonde found the meteor?

Yeah, I found it.

It bounced my car 200 feet in the air. Can I go?

Bob, get him out of here right now.

Don't leave town.

Sheriff, is this...

the point of penetration?

Yeah, it punched through into a cavern 80 feet down.

That's a hole.

Oh, damn it! Next time, you're carrying this case.

You're the U.S.G.S. representative.

That responsibility comes with the badge.

Oh, my God! Look at that.

I believe we've located the target.

- Big smile, fellas. - Cheese!

Hold it up now. All right?

It's hot! It's really hot.

I'll hold you up.

More nightstick.

Look at these jackasses.

At ease, gentlemen.

The Feds are here.

Feds? What Feds?

- Who let you down here? - Let's not get combative, Lieutenant.

The U.S.G.S. and local law enforcement have a long history of cooperation.

We're here to get some scientific samples, if that’s okay with you guys.

Ah, yeah, sure.

We got all the photographic evidence we need. Carry on.

Thank you. Keep up the good work.

Just hit last night and it's got stuff growing on it.

Could be cave moss.

Cave moss after just a few hours? That's peculiar.

Let's get a sample and get out of here.

It's bleeding.

It's a rock that bleeds.

Now that's really peculiar.

Let's bag it.

I don't know if this geological society gig is all it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, it pads out my resume, but am I growing as a person?

Am I growing as a Division Three women's volleyball coach?

Are you gonna do those spectro tests it says to do in the guidebook?

Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do a full spectroscopic analysis.

Your resume will shine.

Good. I got to get to the game. Let me know if you find anything.

Ira? Are you sure you can handle this by your lonesome?

All right, all right.

That's impossible.

Ten base pairs.

No, that can't be.

We need this!

Come on, ladies, look alive!

Tina, when Lisa goes for the spike, you've got to cover the line.

Lisa, two hands! Two hands!

God gave you two goddamn hands for a reason!

Big news. The most amazing thing.

The meteor samples are teeming with one-celled organisms.

Their metabolic rates are off the charts.

They're dividing at an incredible rate. It's practically exponential.

Their DNA has ten base pairs.

Ten base pairs. That's good to know. Thank you, Ira.

The DNA of all life on Earth has only four base pairs.

Come on, ladies!

Look alive!

Harry, these are organisms from another world.

They're aliens.

Is the Nobel Prize paid in installments, or in a lump sum like the lottery?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Here. My office.

I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm concerned about the tax consequences.

- Why in here? -Just wanted to be cautious.

It's our discovery.

I'm all tingly.

I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have?

If we’re gonna be important scientists, you have to act the part.

Why don’t you take a look?

There are multi-cellular organisms in there.

- Yes, I know. - But they weren’t there before.

- So they snuck in. - There was no sneaking in.

It's-- No, it's too amazing.

- What? - It's like they're evolving.

They're growing.

They're growing into more complex organisms.

It's evolution.

Nobel, here we come.

Yeah, but it's 200 million years' worth in just a few hours.

That's fast.

You have no idea.

Get ready.

On my signal.

Go!

Recruit, wake up.

Wake up!

Go! Go, go, go!

The hose! This thing here!

Sorry.

- Move it! Move it! - Wayne, go!

Go, go! Come on!

Buddy, these things happen.

There's another test in six months.

Six months? I can't wait six months!

At least you still got the pool gig at the country club, right?

Great. Thanks a lot.

Drive careful.

I got it. I got it!

I do this.

Looks like we got visitors.

Class, since this is our first field trip, please obey a few simple rules.

Dirt!

Nice footwear.

It's perfect for spelunking. Don't touch anything.

Don't move anything. Don't even breathe unless we tell you to.

And wear your protective gloves at all times.

- Why do we have to do this? - Firsthand field experience.

The very meat and potatoes of geology.

- Will this be on the final? - Yes!

- Officer, nice to see you again. - Professor, what's up?

- We came to pick up the rock. - Pick it up? What?

Yeah, we--

Just orders from the U.S.G.S. They want it under controlled conditions.

It's very technical.

Oh, technical stuff. It's technical. Okay, go right ahead.

- We're gonna haul it out of here. - Sure, go ahead.

Deke and Danny, remember what we talked about, right?

You are in charge of the hoisting. Get the winch up to the hole. Understand?

Fellas, stop nodding adjust stare at me for a second, okay?

Focus.

You understand what I want you to do?

- Yeah, we got you. - Yeah.

Go do it.

Ira, I'm picking up a heavy creepy vibe here.

A lot has changed.

Class, I know these look like mushrooms, but refrain from eating them.

Oh, it smells disgusting.

Nadine, sometimes science stinks.

It's the game we play, baby.

Rotten egg smell.

- Hydrogen sulfide, right? - Yeah, and ammonia and methane.

It's like it's converting the atmosphere.

Look at all this rudimentary plant life. It's amazing.

I don't want to get all girly, but I feel something wiggling around my toes.

The ground does seem to be moving.

Whoa!

Flatworms.

Millions!

Yuck!

Oh, God!

Barely 1 8 hours and we already have flatworms.

- Look, look! - Hey, there they are!

- Hi, Dr. Kane. - Hey, Dr. K.!

- Man, I almost went down! - Awesome.

Come here, little buddy.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

You didn't hurt it. You killed it.

The oxygen must have killed it.

It must need its own atmosphere to live.

Yeah.

Grab a specimen jar. We'll try to scoop some atmosphere in there with them.

Yeah, right.

It took us two billion years to do what they did in just a couple of days.

Yeah. Those little germs are the embodiment of the American dream.

I'm so sorry to interrupt, Professor Block.

But I was wondering if I’m correct in assuming that that field trip...

fulfilled any of my missing credit requirements.

You know, Nadine, you are a very, very smart girl.

But if you would just focus--

Professor...

the little wiggly worm things are breaking.

Look.

He's not breaking. It's splitting.

It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce.

No sex?

No time for sex.

Bummer!

Little guys are splitting again.

Put it away. Look, we call no one, tell no one. This is our secret, right?

What about the government? Isn't this the kind of thing they get involved in?

No government. I know those people. Absolutely not.

You do?

This is our discovery, and we have to maintain absolute control.

We have to do more research and check our findings. Document everything.

Wayne?

What's this?

That would be an all-cotton towel, sir. I believe it's a Field crest.

It's a damp towel. Why is a damp towel on my chaise?

Okay, let me take care of this for you.

You should, because you’re pool manager, and you know what to do about it.

What the hell?

Where did you guys come from?

You're dead now.

Whoa! What the--

Harry, when I checked the samples this morning...

I found three different subspecies.

These things are evolving so quickly.

God knows what we'll find when we get back to the-- Whoa!

Please tell me there's an air show today.

Shit!

Can I help you?

Yeah. Harry Block, Ira Kane. United States Geological Society.

We're doing some important research. This is our site.

I'm sorry. Not anymore. You're not on the list.

What do you mean? We come here all the time.

This is not a nightclub. Why don’t you take it somewhere else?

I know my Constitutional rights!

Harry!

Look, maybe you can call your superior. We can have a word with him.

I have a Harry Block and Ira Kane claiming--

Punk. What?

You got to know how to talk to the white man.

- White man gonna get his ass whupped. - Very sensitive. Can't be yelled at.

- Did you say Kane? - Yeah.

- The Ira Kane? - Yeah.

I've been looking forward to this for a long time. You bastard!

Hey, hey, hey!

Get his gun!

Take it easy. They're good. Up!

You're responsible for the worst month of my life!

- What the hell was that about? - I don't know.

Drive straight down to the command tent. They're expecting you.

- Go. - Thank you.

That's the guy that had me in diapers for over a month!

- Men, General Woodman's expecting you. - Russell Woodman?

What an unexpected surprise.

For me too. I didn't realize we were on a hugging basis.

The same old Ira Kane. And you must be--

Harry Block, this is General Russell Woodman, head of U.S. Army Research.

- General. - Harry.

You two know each other?

Ira used to work for me. Right, Ira?

I worked with you, actually.

You used to work in army research in the Pentagon?

Yeah.

And all this time I thought you were just a school teacher.

No. How did you find out about this?

You leave the Pentagon, you don't call me, you don't write.

We like to keep tabs on our prodigal sons.

So you tapped my phone?

No. We're not the KGB.

Actually, we've been monitoring your computer.

His computer?

All those girls in the photos are over 1 8.

Yes, I'm sure.

- I should've figured. - Yes.

And you should've known better than to try to keep something this big from us.

And the CDC.

Just in time. Ira, this is Allison Reed, senior researcher in epidemiology...

at the CDC.

Nice underwear.

Garter belt? At a day function?

I can do it. Thank you very much.

I'm okay. Dr. Kane.

I'd heard about your recklessness, but you are way out of line.

Do you realize how dangerous this situation could have become?

It's nice to meet you too, ma'am.

No need to play the blame game, Allison. No harm, no foul.

We're all very appreciative of Dr. Kane and Mr. Black's discovery.

Block.

Block. I'm sorry.

The confirmation of the existence of life outside this planet--

Would be the greatest scientific discovery of our time.

Yes, actually.

Yes, it would.

And you have my word that you’ll be kept in the loop from this point forward.

You son of a bitch.

What do you mean, kept in the loop? General, we are the loop.

We won't cut you out, but we do need to take control.

We're following protocol. You remember protocol, don’t you?

Yeah, I got some protocol right here for you, Russell. Come and get it.

Look, this research must continue under careful government control and scrutiny.

We secured the area.

We're constructing an air lock into the cavern and a field research facility.

So there's not a lot for the science department...

of Glen Canyon Community College to do here.

Did you catch that condescending tone when he says Glen Canyon Community--

We are following well-established federal guidelines--

Ma'am, please. Russell, don't pull this crap. We deserve to be here.

You deserve to be here?

You're lucky anybody's ever let you near a science laboratory again, Ira.

You're a disgrace, and a dangerous one at that.

Lieutenant, show these men out.

This is horseshit.

It's not over.

You're in for a fight, Russell.

Would you stop following me, please?

Thank you.

We're not gonna bend over and take this!

Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!

Happy holidays, General!

Cute.

Dr. Kane, are you asking me to bar the federal government...

from involvement in a discovery as significant as this?

No, no. We're asking you to make sure that the local scientists...

who actually made the discovery continue to play a significant role.

They kept us out for almost two weeks.

We put our lives on the line to find these little guys, Your Majesty.

We just want to be there for them as they grow up.

We were the first team at the site and the initial testing was done in our lab.

The facilities at Glen Canyon Community College are a joke, sir.

They weren’t a joke when I went there, General.

Your Honor, if the court would allow me to depose Dr. Kane?

Depose me?

We think your past is very relevant, Dr. Kane.

These issues speak directly to his competence as a scientist.

Dr. Kane, you were a top-level researcher...

at USAMRI D from '94 to '97, were you not?

Yes, that's correct.

And you were summarily dismissed in the summer of 1 997. Any idea why?

My services were no long required?

Uh-huh. So in your opinion...

your firing had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine...

you developed and gave to nearly 140,000 U.S. soldiers in May softhearted?

I see where you’re going with this.

It may have been a factor. You'd have to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

I'll make a note to do that. But for now...

can you tell me what happened to the soldiers that were inoculated?

Well, none of them got anthrax, if that’s what you’re asking.

What did they get?

As with any new vaccine...

there were certain side effects associated with it.

Could you be more specific?

It was a wide range of things. It's very technical.

I'd hate to waste the court's time getting into it.

Humor me.

Some debilitating stomach cramps.

Severe diarrhea.

Memory loss.

Yes, go on. Any more symptoms?

Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling...

bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable fatulence.

I think that's it.

One more question.

Do you happen to remember what the soldiers called this illness, Dr. Kane?

Yeah, they called it the Kane Madness.

Keep your head up.

You know she wanted to give you some, right?

Were you even in that courtroom?

Getting barbecued like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.

Oh, we've been hit.

Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed.

- Empty. - This is very, very bad.

Damn it!

I don't care who they are. Stealing is stealing.

Perfect.

They took the rock, the samples, all the little wormy critters.

All the data's gone. The JPEG files, the DNA sequences. They cleaned us out.

- I'm calling the cops. - The cops?

They are the cops!

Then what?

Let me ask you, how come you get to be a colonel and I'm just a private?

I was a colonel.

And you obviously served your country with distinction.

Consider yourself lucky. The penalty for impersonating an officer is prison.

Yeah, maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.

Colonels first.

I was at it for 12 hours.

My toes were starting to hurt I was standing so long.

Stop it.

-Just act like you belong. - Don't worry, I got this.

- Pick up that butt, soldier. - Sorry, sir.

- And tuck that shirt in. - Yes, sir.

Get the door.

Thank you, Private.

Don't get used to this.

Oh-oh, look at that.

Enjoy your lunch, gentlemen.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Your girlfriend, 1 1 :00.

Darn it.

That woman's a menace.

Testing, one, two. One, two. One, one, one, two.

This is D.J. Harry Block here, and I'm an Aquarius.

Will you stop? I can hear you.

Don’t you snap at me, unless you want an angry Solid Gold dancer on your hands.

Lieutenant?

Yeah?

Who's that?

I don't know.

I don't have anything on my schedule.

Maybe it's the guys from sector 1 2 doing a nocturnal specimen run.

- You know how those guys are. - Oh, yeah.

This place has changed.

Can you believe this?

Look at that.

Our little babies are growing up.

Three weeks, it's already like a rain forest in here.

Looks like the kitchen from my first apartment.

Harry, check that guy out.

Is it coming or going?

That tree just ate it.

Everything here seems to be food for something else.

- So stay off the menu, huh? - You got that right.

Ira, come here, look at these little things.

Cool. Hey, snag one.

- Snag one? - Snag one and put him in the bucket.

I seen this movie. The black dude dies first. You snag it.

Don't be scared. We came for a specimen, now snag one.

He's not gonna hurt you. He's turned the other way.

He's eating.

Come on, my little red lobster.

Come on, my sexy little crustacean.

Come on.

Whoa!

Ira, look at that backside.

Theater in the round.

That's the kind of trunk space you want in a late model car.

Who does that remind you of?

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

She's been throwing it at you enough.

- Dr. Reed? - Bull's-eye.

Excuse me, Dr. Reed? Did you authorize a walk-through?

Nope. Why?

You should probably take a look at something. Here.

You'd like to roast that rump. You'd like to butter that mother.

That is an ice image. And I appreciate your assumption...

that there is an actual sexual human being...

underneath all Dr. Reed's deep-seated neuroses.

- But I don't think so. - What?

I think she is a humorless ice queen.

Ira, that's just a cover.

Don't you know that? All she needs is a good humping.

Oh, Ira. Ira!

Harry, stop that. We got to get a piece of the asteroid like we came for.

And cut that out. It disturbs me.

- Ira! - Don’t do that behind my back.

- I'm not doing it. I'm just walking. - Cut it out.

Let's bag that and get the hell out of here.

I'm ready when you are, Colonel.

This disco suit is making me chafe.

Shoo, fy.

Hold it right there.

Dr. Reed, so nice to see you again. We were just leaving.

You're in violation of the judge's orders. I could have you arrested.

Want to talk about violations? What about our lab?

- Got any Raid? - What are you talking about?

You stole our computer hard drive, samples, files. Everything.

- I didn't steal anything. - Your buddies there cleaned us out.

Let's be honest. You've been trying to grab credit on our discovery.

All we're trying to do is take back a piece of what’s rightfully ours.

Credit has nothing to do with this. I'm concerned about public safety.

- Is this true? Are you aware of this? - No.

Something's in my suit.

You're not gonna believe him. He openly admitted to hacking into our computer.

Harry, what?

There's something in my suit!

It's impossible. It's sealed!

The fy! There's a fy in my suit!

- Don't take off your helmet! Oxygen! - It'll kill it.

Do you see it? Look, look. Do you see it?

- No. - No?

- You're all right. Who's the man? - You're the man.

- No, you're the man. - I'm the man. Okay.

Oh, God.

It's in me!

For the love of everything good and holy, get this goddamn thing out of me!

You're gonna be okay. Cut him open. Let's get this thing.

Cut me open? There goes your Christmas gift,Judas!

It's moving down his leg.

- What do we do? - Maybe amputate.

Whoa, don't take the leg! Don't let 'em take my leg.

Is there anything else you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.

Doctor, look.

It's heading for his testicles.

Take it! Take the leg!

Wait, wait! It's going the other way.

Give me some forceps. I might be able to catch it in his colon.

- You’re going in? - Rectally.

- Ohh! - I'll get the lubricant.

- No time for lubricant. - There's always time for lubricant!

- Flip him! - Go.

Okay, here we go.

- Try to relax. - Everything's gonna be okay.

I'll shove this gurney up your ass! See if you relax, Ira.

- Cheek spreader. - All right. I'm going in.

Don't clench!

You're so brave.

- A little more. - No more!

- A little deeper. - No deeper!

- Squeeze my hand. Squeeze it! - Almost there.

Open up. Open up!

- Breathe. Breathe. - I'm breathing!

- Almost there. - You're there!

It's over, it's over.

It just died.

Don’t you ever do that again!

The size of that thing inside you! It was like this! You took it like a man.

You're all right. You did great. Can I get you anything?

Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream, please.

- What favor? - It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.

Man! Now I'm a Hawaiian warrior?

I'm thinking seriously about moving. Maybe to California, start over.

Because of the fireman thing? Big deal. You funked out.

You know how many times I've funked in my life? A ton.

Hey, pool boy, you watering down the Mai tais?

No, sir. But let me fix you something special.

'Cause you're nothing but a big, fat monkey turd.

Excuse me?

What?

Drink's almost ready.

Here you go. That should tide you over.

And don't forget, folks That's what you get, folks

For making whoopee

Oh, damn it!

That's gonna stain.

Barry! Barry, where are you?

I can't see you. Where are you?

I'm down here, my pet, by the water.

Something just ate Barry Cartwright!

That's too bad.

I don't get it. How does someone with your background...

credentials and talent end up...

like you?

Thank you.

Your partner could have died. What were you thinking?

I was desperate.

I've been exiled out here for 5 years, watching the world pass me by...

and this amazing discovery falls into my lap.

I look at it as my ticket out of here.

But I don't suppose you would understand that.

No, how could I? I'm a humorless ice maiden in need of a good humping.

- You heard that, huh? - Loud and clear.

Don't think you know so much about me. You don't.

I'm sure I don't.

Thank you for not calling the cops.

Oh, be careful!

Stop being such a baby.

I've seen that car before.

No more bran for me.

Hey, girls.

Hey, girls.

Stop. Cut it out.

Hey, it's the meteor guy.

What's in the bag? Your blow-up doll?

Oh, no. I got something that you’re really gonna like.

- What happened to you? - Shut up.

You guys teach here?

Yeah.

I was thinking about taking some classes.

But I decided to hit the job market early and get a jump start on things.

Can we help you?

Yeah. A guy got killed at my country club last night.

A real douche bag.

That just doesn't make it right.

It was an animal attack.

Isn't that something?

Happened by the water hazard on the fourth green.

The lady he was banging saw the whole thing.

We chased this sucker on the fairway, and then it died in a sand trap.

It just died? How?

Like it was choking to death.

You know? Stopped breathing.

Anyway...

it's like nothing I ever saw before and I thought you might want to look at it.

Jill, you've got some kind of infestation here.

You have a serious bug problem.

What?

Jill, there's something in your closet.

Open the door, Grace.

Me? It's your house.

When did you get a dog?

We don't have a damn dog.

I don't think that's a dog. It's like a rodent.

Or a muskrat or pig.

- How the hell did it get in here? - It doesn't look too healthy.

Well, it's frightened.

Oh, look, he can barely breathe, he's so scared.

Come on, cutie pie. Don't be afraid.

Come on, come on. That's a good boy.

Yes, 91 1 ?

What the hell is that thing?

Thanks.

Pick me up in an hour. No, two. Oh, an hour and a half would be good.

Thanks.

Hi. Do you have any messages for me?

Two single beds, please. We're fighting.

Ira, I'm tired. I've had two hours sleep and I've got to take a shower.

They're spreading.

You talking about the golf course? Woodman sent a team there two hours ago.

Well, it's too bad you missed the five-foot amphibian dead in my lab.

They're adapting. We gotta shut it down.

You're overreacting. We can handle this.

I used to be arrogant like you.

We're both aware of what that led to. Take me seriously, Allison.

I do take you seriously.

Then you gotta talk to Woodman, 'cause he won't listen to me.

We gotta kill these things while we still can.

All right. I'll discuss it with him, but I can't promise you anything.

Thank you.

-Just one more thing. - Yeah?

Do you think you could ever be attracted to me?

Bye, Ira.

It’s just food for thought.

Yeah, she's mine.

I've been an adjunct professor for four years...

but I'm hoping this alien brouhaha will net me an honorary doctorate.

You gonna finish that bacon?

Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. I ordered it, didn't I?

So about the coaching girls' volleyball?

Do you ever get to see them take showers?

Yeah, all the time. Sometimes I shower with them.

You're kidding, right?

- So? - She's gonna talk to Woodman.

Ah, thank goodness.

I'm okay.

Level with me.

Is there some sort of alien attack happening here?

We don't know.

Excuse me, could I borrow your cream?

Hi, Denise.

Hello, Ira. Still setting the world on fire?

Ow.

That's Ira's ex sitting with the cop.

What's with the police escort? You're not under arrest. I don't see handcuffs.

That's funny. This is my friend, Sam. He's about to make detective.

I know Sam. We go way back. Congratulations.

Maybe you could look into my missing shirts. She left with some of my shirts.

See what I mean?

I'm not up on the law...

but is it against the law when you leave somebody's house with what they own?

You want your shirt?

Seriously, take it.

You must be cold, right? Are you cold? Is that it?

Why should I get to wear the shirt when it's your shirt?

It's amazing how many women open their shirt to him.

I'm sure he'll let you borrow the shirt for just today. Right, Professor?

We got a code 12-72 in Valley Vista.

1 2-72? That's an animal attack.

1 0-9-9 responding.

- Gotta go, babe. - Now?

They're calling.

Wait.

Be careful.

- You'll take care of the check, right? - Yeah.

I want those shirts back, Denise.

Hey, you gotta admit...

this animal attack has an ominous feel to it.

Check it out?

- Check it out. - All right!

We're under the microscope so let's be systematic and subtle in what we do.

- No cowboy stuff, okay? - Professionals.

Officer Johnson.

- Fellas, why are you here? - We heard about the animal attack.

And part of our job with the Health Department...

is to ascertain if there’s any health risk.

You know what? No. Not this time. Forget about it.

- You touch it with your bare hands? - That would be a serious no-no.

- You did? He touched it. - That's not good.

- What do we do? - I don't know.

Okay, why don’t you guys come in and take a look?

I'll be checking things out around here in this vicinity.

This dog is all ass.

Ira, look at this, man.

He would have come from in here, right?

It’s just used for storage and access under the house.

Looks like he crawled right through the dirt there.

Hey, guys.

I was conducting a parameter check...

and there's something you'd better see.

You liked that thing, you're gonna love this.

What is it?

Great googa-mooga!

What'd I tell you?

They're crawling out.

They're trying to breathe in our atmosphere.

Fortunately, they haven't been able to adapt yet.

Hey, Ira, I think I know how these things got here.

How?

Well, this entire area...

is a honeycomb of caves and old mine shafts.

If memory serves, the Moenave cave system...

starts a few miles from here, west of the golf course.

Runs into the foothills, continues to the Kaibab plateau and into Lake Powell.

Our cave is smack dab in the middle of the system.

It's all connected.

- Could you repeat that? - I'm impressed.

Hey, beneath this calm, sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist.

Whoa, guys! That one's moving.

What the hell is it doing?

It's trying to breathe.

That's like a big loogie!

Mazeltov. It's a boy.

It's oxygen tolerant.

It's flying away. Is that a bad thing?

Only if you’re a human being.

You know how much I hate shopping.

We need to find you something nice for Thanksgiving.

I got enough clothes.

Tony, that color's great on you.

Whoa.

This might be the place.

Ever used one of these before?

Just 'cause I'm a school teacher, don't make me a pussy.

Ladies, a flying extraterrestrial's in the store. Can we focus?

I'm in here.Just a minute.

Just a second, please.

I said,just a second, bitch!

How'd you like me to scratch the eyes out of your skull?

Here, birdy-birdy-birdy. Birdy!

All right.

If I was a giant, nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be?

Lingerie.

- Not you, the bird. - Lingerie.

Help!

You go low. I'm going high.

Got it.

We'll never find it.

I lost him!

How do you lose a 20-foot bird in the mall?

Ira, I don't know.

What do we do now?

We've established that "ca-caw, ca-caw" and "tookie-tookie" don't work.

Right. Sorry.

What do you say, Ira? Pack it in?

You’re

So beautiful to me

Step back, Harry. I'm gonna shoot him.

Stand down. I'm gonna kill this one myself.

Give me a chance. I'm communicating here.

You are so beautiful

Tome

Wayne, would you please stop, because you are embarrassing me.

Can't you see

You're every--

You're everything that I hope for

It's working.

Yeah, sing, sing. Rub some funk on it.

And you’re everything I need

Here he comes!

- Grab the girl. I'll get the bird. - Got it!

All right! Nice shot.

I'm sorry. I swear to God I will never shoplift again.

Good.

So what do you want? Light meat or dark?

You have to ask?

It's dead now.

Yeah.

Got to start to feelin' so low

And I decided quickly

Yes, I did

To disco down and check out the show

Yeah, they were dancin' and singin'

And movin' to the groovin'

And just when it hit me

Somebody turned around and shouted

Play that funky music, white boy

Play that funky music right

I'm standing at the edge of the Valley Vist a housing community...

where just below me there are dozens of giant, odd-looking dead creatures.

We should stress to our viewers that we have received no official word from--

I saw this ugly tentacle thing come out of the ground.

It tried to grab my private parts.

Batted it away. Got my hand.

An atmosphere of anxiety and confusion in the greater Glen Canyon area.

We stand outside the state capitol building...

awaiting comment from the governor's office about the nature and origin...

of these extraordinary creatures.

Governor Lewis, this way.

Why was I not informed that we have aliens crawling over my beloved state?

I've got 400 media vultures outside my office who know more about this than I.

I ought to throw all of you in prison.

Not that cushy federal place with the loose jumpsuits.

State prison, with the crotch binders!

I'm sorry, but there were security breaches made by Dr. Kane and his team.

Wait a minute. No, no. Excuse me.

That's not exactly true, General Woodman.

I believe the Governor's question was directed at me, Dr. Reed.

Put a plug in it. I'm not interested in your bureaucratic crapola.

What I really want to know is how bad this thing is.

It's bad, Governor.

The new ground sensors and the satellite thermal scans...

indicate a potential problem.

I don't know how to read this! What problem?

Somebody, please, take this ugly bag of snakes and lay them out straight.

- Allow me. - You are--

Dr. Allison Reed. How do you do?

Carla, would you mind

The red markings indicate the growth of the alien ecosystem.

Unless we do something immediately, we will lose Glen Canyon in three days.

Great merciful Christ.

In a week, the rest of Arizona. Then the entire Southwest.

In two months, the United States officially belongs to them.

And we are extinct.

You're shittin' me!

Come on, admit it. You're glad to see us, huh?

I, for one, am glad to see you. Call the MP's. Have them arrested.

Hey, we just blew a giant alien bird out of a department store.

We're covering up your mess.

Governor, Dr. Ira Kane. I'm chairman of the science department at the college.

My associate.

Harry Phineas Block, adjunct professor of geology. Voted for you.

Wayne Grey. Took some chemistry in high school.

You two gentlemen are the original discovers of the phenomena, correct?

Yes, they are. And they're also responsible for the mess we're in now.

- Here we go. - What?

They broke into the contained area and breached our safety procedures.

Causing the dissemination of alien organisms outside the secured area.

- Liar, liar, pants on fire! - Criminal charges are in order here.

This is bullshit!

Shut up! Listen.

My state is being overrun by vicious aliens.

You're all supposed to be the experts. I want to know right now.

How the hell are you supposed to deal with this?

This is an outline of the infected area as of this afternoon.

Governor, my plan...

is to evacuate everyone from within five miles of the perimeter.

Evacuation? You're talking about 10,000 people.

Yes, sir. We evacuate, make it safe...

and then burn the alien menace the hell out of there.

With what?

With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm.

Napalm? Why don't you just nuke them while you’re at it?

What about nukes?

Pull your horns in, boys. Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state.

All this talk about napalm and burning things makes me very damn nervous.

It should. We don't know their reaction to such an attack on a cellular level.

Governor, it is time for a military solution. This will work.

General, sorry to interrupt. You better take a look at this.

What?

Clear out.

What? You called me out for this?

Sir, one of the creatures destroyed video four.

What's going on there?

My God! They've evolved into primates.

That's a face for radio.

They took out six and seven.

All the monitors are down.

That can't be good.

That's the elevator.

We have no personnel down there.

They breached the air lock.

The no-nose chimp?

Call for backup.

We need backup! They're going through the elevator!

Cover the elevator!

Stay back behind me.

Get the hell off me! I want to see this thing!

Be prepared to fire.

It's empty, sir.

The governor!

- Do something! - Hold your fire!

You'll get somebody killed.

Nice shot.

I'll take that now.

You have my full support to do whatever you need to do, however much firepower.

You can melt the place to beaded glass if that’s what it takes.

Just get these hell-blown creazoids out of my state!

Thank you, Governor. I'll be ready to go by noon tomorrow.

Good.

- Where have you two been? - I was getting out of the way.

Get me out of here.

Science project's over.

I want you and your people gone.

- Soldier, escort these men out. - Yes, sir.

Don’t you have work to do?

You are such an asshole.

When a woman expresses anger, it's often because--

Shut up, Flemming.

Okay, I know where the car is.

Wipe my ass too?

Hey, guys?

Got room for one more?

Hell, yeah.

Who wants to be deputy director anyway? The real money's in the private sector.

- Are you sure about this? - Oh, yeah.

Listen, it may not seem like much, but I got your research files and samples.

So, if we survive this, you guys will get the credit.

Thank you.

- It's nothing. - No, thank-- Let me get this.

- No, I got it. - All right.

Sorry. Excuse me.

We haven't been formally introduced yet. I'm Wayne Grey.

- Oh, hey, I'm kinda with him. - Oh, that's cool.

Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling.

Okay. Oh, goodness!

Facilities are being provided for you and your families.

Please move in an orderly fashion to the safe zone.

They're gonna blow up the whole town.

Attention. We need to clear this area.

For your own safety, evacuate immediately.

Can you make a beer run?

- Professor Kane! - Arizona is going down, baby!

This may not be the best time for you boys to be drinking.

I was your first.

We discovered you in that cave. You were scared and alone.

It was just you, me and Harry in the beginning. Those were good times.

Why don't you level with me?

You can trust me. Talk to me.

Just tell me the secret.

Tell me the answer. Tell me how to kill you!

You are losing it, pal.

What is that stuff?

Some of the original liquid material from inside the meteor.

- Why hasn't it evolved like the rest? - I don't know.

Maybe because it was refrigerated...

was locked in an airtight case, didn't have anything to metabolize with.

But regardless, that doesn't give us any clues to--

When did you start smoking?

Not much of a point to clean living anymore.

Whoa!

These things react to fire like it was Miracle-Gro.

Fire.

The organisms were dormant in space and then collided with Earth's atmosphere.

And bam! Heat. Fire. That's the catalyst.

So if a little match catalyzes this stuff, what's a ton of napalm gonna do?

So much for the military option.

Call that dick general.

That's a lot of napalm.

Yes, it is.

We're going to blow those damn creatures straight to hell.

We'll fush them out along the mine shafts...

then mop up the edges as they run trying to escape the fames.

Excuse me, General. There's an urgent call from Dr. Reed.

She says she has important information about the mission.

Really? Well, unfortunately, I'm not available.

Anything more?

No, sir.

He blew me off. Can you believe it?

That bastard wouldn't even take my call.

You did call him an asshole.

- Hey, Dr. K. Time to party. - We got beer.

- I'll take one. - Me too. I just quit smoking.

What are you boys doing here?

We thought you could use a brewski to mellow out.

Kick back and chill.

Have a beer, relax. It's gonna help you with your research.

Whoa! Look at that thing!

Whoa! Can we have that when you guys are done with it?

Fellas, thank you for your help and the beers, but we're working.

Hold it. Hold it.

- Look at that. - What are you doing?

Selenium. That could be the answer.

I'm looking at the Periodic Table on your T-shirt and I see this pattern.

- Take off your shirt. I'll show you. - Yes!

No, I don't think so.

We are a carbon based life-form.

Keep pulling, Dr. K.

We move down here, and you've found our poison: arsenic.

But the aliens are nitrogen based, right?

You make the same move down and over...

and where do you find yourself?

- Selenium. - Selenium.

Could be as lethal to them as arsenic is to us.

And with their metabolic rates, it'll kill them fast.

Selenium. How much do we need?

Five hundred gallons could do it, should do it.

Five hundred gallons?

Um, I hate to be a buzz kill, but where are we gonna get that at 2:00 a.m.?

No problem.

Yeah, we can get that.

Head & Shoulders.

The dandruff shampoo?

Yeah, that's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulfide.

How do you know that? You don't know anything.

Haven’t you noticed how shiny and fake-free our hair is?

Okay, this is the best idea we got.

Let's give it a shot. Come on. Let's do it!

Yeah! We'll get the troops together. We're getting shampoo!

I've got the vehicle.

Good! Donalds, you just got your A's.

Yes!

Almost full.

There's something I feel I should tell you, but I don't know exactly how.

Just say it. We're adults and we're all about to die a very horrible death.

So?

I would've rocked your world.

- You already have. - We're full!

Battle stations! Lock and load!

- Can we continue this discussion later? - Yes.

Let's do this!

Let's shampoo us some aliens!

Lots of soldiers around.

There's an abandoned mine half a click south of here. We can sneak in there.

Half a click? What are you, in Vietnam?

Hey, I'm digging this. Work with me, baby.

It's over here! It's right here!

- You okay? - I'm good. I'm good.

- Let's go! - Let's do this!

You sure this leads to the main cavern?

It'll lead us somewhere. Geology's not an exact science.

Where are you? Where are you, my little aliens?

Show yourself.

Warm to the touch.

Highly acidic.

We do not have time for you to act like you know what you’re doing.

- What happened to the respect? - Woodman's going at noon. Hurry.

Very good.

- Are the troops in place? - They're ahead of schedule.

Excellent. We can go early.

Oh, no. What is he doing here?

Governor Lewis.

I don't see anything burning. Where are all the explosions?

We’re just getting underway. Didn't know you were coming to see the show.

You damn well better make it a good one, Sergeant.

That's General.

Not if you screw this up. Keeping my chair warm for me?

Thank you.

I'll take a pair of spy glasses and a hot chocolate.

Give me a hose.

Get up top. When I give you the signal, start pumping the selenium.

Got it.

Okay, we're gonna spray all around the meteor, then get out of here fast.

Oh, blue monkey!

Wayne, charge the line now!

- That's the napalm! - Woodman went early!

Bad, bad, bad, bad!

Wayne, come on!

Okay, I'm out!

Oh! We gotta go!

Go! Go, go! Faster! Get up there!

- Go! - Run for your life!

Quite the bonfire, General Woodman. Should've brought some wieners.

That can be arranged.

- First reports are excellent, sir. - Very good.

Keep it together, Wayne. Keep it together.

Oh, my God.

What's happening?

- It's coming! - What's coming?

Get outta here!

General, look.

Hurry!

Drive!

Go! Go!

Fall back. Fall back!

What the hell is that thing?

The napalm forced an evolutionary response,just like the match.

That's evolution?

Survival of the fittest. Often the simplest organism is the strongest.

It's freaking out.

It's starting to have some sort of spaz attack.

No, that's not spazzing out.

It's getting ready to divide.

Mitosis.

Wait. There's gonna be more of these things?

Yeah, a lot more.

Its cycle's starting over again. It's gonna go on growing...

and doubling until it takes over.

Yeah, but we were here first.

So that Head & Shoulders idea, is that still the plan or what?

I'm driving.

I don't care if he’s on Air Force One. They've got phones. I've seen them!

I don't think this is gonna wait an hour.

Hey, what's that fire truck doing out there?

Mama.

Can you believe this?

We gotta find a point of attack.

There!

Nasty!

Allison, stop, stop. Right here.

- Here we go! - Get the ladder up!

Feed me the hose, Deke!

- What are you doing? - Going up top.

Not before me. I've got a major score to settle.

Go, go!

We don't have much time. Hurry!

- Left! - Left!

All right, I got it. I haven't had too much practice with this thing.

Stop! Stop!

- What's going on? - I don't know, but it's getting bigger.

What the hell are those guys doing with that ladder?

Looks like they're getting ready to administer a jumbo enema.

We got one shot. Let's do this.

It's payback time!

Keep it in there!

What's it look like I'm doing?

It's working!

- Shit! - Whoa!

What the hell?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!

She's gonna blow!

Stop kicking!

It's horrible in here!

I got you!

- Please. Hold me. - I got you!

Don't let me go!

We gotta get outta here. This thing's gonna blow.

You cannot imagine what I've seen in there.

Hurry up, guys!

Ira, don’t you ever tell anyone where I've been.

Dear Lord!

Uh-oh. Time to go.

- Go! - Go!

Whoa! We did it!

Here we go, sir.Just relax, and we'll have you just as good as new.

I am happy to report that absolutely all remaining traces...

of the alien menace have been eradicated...

using the selenium shampoo formula developed right here.

Now let me introduce our civilian scientist heroes and their team.

The best that the great state of Arizona has been privileged to produce.

So, this is your moment.

You wouldn't want to miss this for anything, huh?

Firstly, I would like you all to meet Wayne Grey.

As of today, fully credentialed firefighter.

I spoke to the chief.

Oh, thanks, Governor.

Now our next hero, Professor Harry Block, noted geologist...

and the winningest coach in North Arizona's women's volleyball.

I appreciate that, Governor. Very kind.

First of all, let's give it up to God. With Him, all things are possible.

Basically, we just played tough defense, took it one alien at a time...

and we were able to come away with the big W.

Thank you.

Finally...

Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed...

whose tireless efforts and research and academic findings led to the--

I think he's giving her a bit of the Kane Madness.

Wow! Fighting the alien menace can be tough work.

And so is keeping your hair clean, shiny and dandruff-free.

So it's a good thing that we always keep a healthy supply of--

...Head & Shoulders around the house.