Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO

NEW YORK CITY...

>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR

OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED"...

>> I'M DIVORCED.

>> Jon: WHAT'S HIS NAME?

>> NEAL.

>> WE WANT YOU TO START PICKING

OFF EVERYONE AROUND HIM ONE BY

ONE.

>> FIRST YOU KILL THE SOUL, THEN

YOU KILL THE MAN.

>> "DELOCATED" WAS PITCHED AS A

RATINGS STUNT FOR SWEEPS WEEK.

>> Jon: FRRT.

FRRT.

FRRT.

* BA-DA-BA BA-DA BA

>> All: [ Distorted ] FRRT.

[ BUZZING ]

>> Jon: WHOO!

[ BOTTLE HISSES ]

YEAH!

VIOLá!

HOMEMADE SELTZER.

[ Foreign accent ] HERE YOU GO,

MADAM, THE BUBBLY.

>> OUI, OUI, MONSIEUR.

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

CHEERS -- WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS

YOUR NAME.

[ LAUGHS ]

MMM!

MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM.

OH, YEAH. IS GOOD.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> SO, I, UM -- I HAVE SOME NEWS

I NEED TO SHARE.

>> Jon: MM-HMM?

>> MY EX-HUSBAND, NEAL, GOT IN

TOUCH WITH ME RECENTLY, AND

WE'VE....BEEN E-MAILING...

SORT OF A LOT LATELY.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> UH-HUH. YEAH. RIGHT.

YEAH. NO. YES. NO.

YEAH, RATINGS, RATINGS, RATINGS.

YEAH, I GET IT. I GET IT. YEAH.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. BYE.

SORRY, GUYS. THAT WAS MY BOSS.

SO, BIG SEASON FINALE.

WHO'S GOT A BIG IDEA?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

SHOOT HIM?

>> Jon: [ Normal voice ] MAYBE

WE'LL DO A THING ABOUT HOW KIM

IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER

EX-HUSBAND, WHO SHE JUST TOLD ME

SHE'S BEEN E-MAILING WITH BEHIND

MY BACK.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

>> NOPE.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TERRIBLE IDEA

'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE A LIE.

>> Jon: SO YOU'RE NOT E-MAILING

HIM BEHIND MY BACK?

>> I AM, BUT I'M NOT HAVING AN

AFFAIR.

>> O-H-H-H-H! SHIZIT!

* SOUNDS LIKE WE GOT OUR SEASON

FINALE *

MM!

* KIM'S EX-HUSBAND IN THE

PICTURE *

* AH, SHAKE YOUR BOOTY

* DO IT ALL NIGHT

* DO IT ALL NIGHT

[ SCATTING ]

GREAT IDEAS, GUYS.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, DUDE, YOU GOT A SELTZER

MAKER?

[ SELTZER MAKER BUZZES ]

[ LAUGHS ]

SOUNDS LIKE FARTS!

[ LAUGHING ]

SEASON FINALE, LAST EPISODE.

NEED SOMETHING BIG FROM YOU

GUYS.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD OR

NOT, BUT KIM'S EX-HUSBAND'S BACK

IN THE PICTURE, AND JON'S EX,

SUSAN, SHE'S ENGAGED.

>> I'M GLAD TO HEAR JON'S LIFE

IS PERSONAL HELL.

>> ACTUALLY, JON IS, UH, GETTING

ALONG PRETTY WELL.

IF ANYBODY'S HAVING A HARD TIME

OF IT, IT'S YOU GUYS.

I MEAN, ALL THIS BEATING AROUND

THE BUSH, KILLING EVERYBODY ELSE

EXCEPT JON.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

IT'S KIND OF MAKING YOU GUYS

LOOK LIKE PUSSIES.

>> WHAT ABOUT SEASON FINALE FOR

MY SHOW?

>> I DON'T KNOW YVGENY.

I MEAN, JUST KEEP DOING VODKA

JOKES, I GUESS.

IT NEVER GETS OLD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JON FROM

"DELOCATED" ATTEMPTS TO JUMP

OVER A SHOPPING MALL ON A

MOTORCYCLE FOR THE GREATEST

SEASON FINALE OF ALL TIME!

HERE HE GOES!

[ IMITATES ENGINE ]

OH, MY GOODNESS, NO!

HE CLIPS THE TOP OF THE

BUILDING, CRASHES TO THE GROUND!

AND THERE'S GOT TO BE A LOT OF

GASOLINE!

OH, NO! HE'S ON FIRE!

HE'S ON FIRE!

HOLY [BLEEP]

OH, MY GOD! LOOK AT HIM BURN!

THE RATINGS ARE GOING CRAZY, AND

THE MONEY IS ROLLING IN!

WHEW!

NOW, THAT'S A SEASON FINALE!

SO, HOW ARE THINGS WITH YOU AND

KIM?

HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA MEET THIS

NEAL GUY, HUH?

YOU THINK HE'S CUTE?

I HEARD HE'S GOT A NICE SLAB OF

BEEF ON HIM -- THICK CUT.

>> Jon: WHAT, LIKE HIS ABS?

>> MNH-MNH.

[ SLAPS DESK ]

I GOT IT.

BOTH OF YOU CAN ATTEMPT TO JUMP

THE MALL, AND THE ONE WHO

SURVIVES GETS KIM.

>> Jon: THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A

MOTORCYCLE STUNT, OKAY?

WHY ARE WE EVEN -- WHY ARE WE

EVEN TALKING ABOUT MANUFACTURING

AN IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE?

LOOK, THINGS ARE COOL WITH ME

RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT MY SELTZER MAKER.

I'M ENJOYING THAT.

LIFE IS GOOD.

I DON'T WANT TO PUSH THINGS.

>> MM-HMM. THICK CUT.

>> Jon: OKAY, LIFE IS, FOR THE

MOST PART, GOOD.

>> FINE, IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH

LOSING KIM.

[ SNIFFS ]

MM! THAT'S MY SCENT!

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> PAPA...

PAPA...

>> SO, YOU GET THE GREEN LIGHT?

>> NO.

>> YOU KNOW, UM, WE WERE HAVING

THIS BIG NETWORK MEETING THE

OTHER DAY, AND SOMEBODY BROUGHT

UP THE FACT THAT IF YOUR DAD

GETS SHANKED IN THE SHOWER,

YOU'D TAKE OVER AS HEAD OF THE

FAMILY.

[ GRUNTS ]

>> I THINK YOU HAVE

GODZILLA-MONSTER-SIZED BALLS TO

ASK ME TO HAVE MY FATHER KILLED.

>> [ GULPS ]

>> AND I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT,

MIGHTY JOE JON.

>> I ADMIRE YOU, TOO.

LET'S GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF

HERE.

>> Jon: KIM, I LOVE YOU, AND I

DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.

NOT TO NEAL, NOT TO ANYBODY, NO

MATTER HOW THICK THEIR CUT OF

BEEF IS.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> [ GASPS ]

OH, MY GOD.

[ Laughing ] JON!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: OPEN IT.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE

ACTUALLY ENGAGED.

>> Jon: UH...

[ LAUGHS ]

SLOW IT DOWN AND BACK IT UP.

NOBODY SAID "ENGAGED."

THAT IS NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING.

>> SO WHAT IS IT?

>> Jon: IT IS A "NEXT LEVEL"

RING.

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: WE ARE TAKING THINGS TO

THE NEXT LEVEL.

>> OF ENGAGEMENT?

>> OF LEVELS.

WE'RE AT A CERTAIN LEVEL NOW.

HERE'S ENGAGEMENT.

HERE'S THE NEXT LEVEL, OKAY?

THAT'S WHERE YOU GOT TO GO

BEFORE YOU GET ENGAGED,

BABY DOLL.

>> BUT THE TOP LEVEL IS USUALLY

MARRIAGE, AND THE MIDDLE --

>> Jon: WELL, YEAH.

MARRIAGE IS UP HERE.

HERE'S WHERE WE ARE.

>> NO. DOWN.

>> Jon: HERE'S ENGAGEMENT.

>> AND THE MIDDLE IS ENGAGEMENT.

>> Jon: SEE, THAT'S THE MISTAKE

A LOT OF COUPLES MAKE, AND

THAT'S WHY THE DIVORCE RATE IS

SO HIGH.

BABY, IT'S THE NEXT LEVEL.

HOW ARE YOU NOT PSYCHED RIGHT

NOW?

I CAN'T -- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> ARE WE ENGAGED? YES OR NO.

I NEED AN ANSWER RIGHT NOW.

>> Jon: LISTEN, I MEAN, I

HAVE -- YOU KNOW, THE STUNT IS

GOING ON.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

W-WHAT STUNT?

>> Jon: THE MOTORCYCLE STUNT --

THE SHOPPING MALL.

I -- DID I -- I TOLD YOU ABOUT

THAT, RIGHT?

>> NO. NOPE.

>> Jon: YES. COME ON.

>> ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

YOU SAID YOU HATED THAT IDEA.

>> Jon: YES.

OKAY, I HATED THE IDEA, BUT I-I

MET WITH MIGHTY JOE JON, AND

HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT TO DO THE

STUNT!"

I WAS LIKE, "NO!

I WILL NOT DO THE STUNT!

NO WAY!"

BUT THEN IT FELT LIKE, "WAIT,

THEY COULD CANCEL THE SHOW,"

OKAY?

SO JUST...LISTEN.

I'M DOING THE STUNT.

IT'S IN A WEEK.

JUST GIVE ME A WEEK. PLEASE.

>> CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'VE BOUGHT YOURSELF A WEEK.

>> Jon: TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

>> TODAY WE'RE JUST GONNA GET

YOU USED TO THE BIKE, AND THEN

WE'LL DO SOME TRAINING JUMPS IN

A COUPLE DAYS.

>> Jon: WHATEVER DELAYS THE

ENGAGEMENT CONVERSATION!

>> I'M PSYCHED YOU'RE ACTUALLY

DOING THIS.

>> Jon: YEAH, I'M, UH, KIND OF

[BLEEP] MY PANTS RIGHT NOW, BUT

I GUESS THERE'S NO TURNING BACK.

>> YEAH. DEFINITELY.

>> Jon: LET'S DO THIS!

>> YES!

[ ENGINE REVS ]

>> Jon: ONE, TWO, THREE!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

COME ON, YOU BABY. GET UP.

>> YOU ALL RIGHT, JON?

>> LET'S SET THIS UP AGAIN!

>> HEY, BUDDY, YOU OKAY? JON?

JON! JON!

>> JON!

>> COME ON, JON!

[ MONITOR BEEPS ]

>> SO THE BULLET ENTERED THROUGH

THE LOWER BACK AND CAUSED --

>> I'M SOR-- UH, A BULLET?

I-I THOUGHT HE FELL OFF HIS BIKE

AND HIT HIS HEAD.

>> NO. HE WAS SHOT.

THAT'S WHAT CAUSED HIM TO FALL

OFF THE BIKE.

>> HE WAS SHOT?

>> YEAH.

>> H-HE WAS SHOT?!

>> IT MUST HAVE BEEN SERGEI.

HE MUST HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE

SEASON FINALE.

>> I'LL BE BACK.

>> NOW, I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL

HEARD THIS, BUT WE BELIEVE THAT

PATIENTS IN A COMA CAN PROCESS

SOUNDS, AND I ENCOURAGE FRIENDS

AND FAMILY TO VISIT AS OFTEN AS

YOU CAN.

WITH THAT IN MIND, WE'VE ALSO

MADE AN ALTERATION TO HIS EKG

MACHINE.

THIS SWITCH CHANGES THE SOUND

THAT YOU'RE HEARING NOW TO THIS.

[ MONITOR MAKING "FRRT" SOUND ]

>> OKAY, I'M SORRY.

SO YOU -- ARE YOU SAYING YOU

HAVE NO IDEA WHEN HE'S GONNA

COME OUT OF IT?

>> OH, IT COULD BE TOMORROW.

COULD BE 20 YEARS FROM NOW.

WE JUST DON'T KNOW.

>> 20 YEARS FROM NOW?!

>> I'M SORRY, BUT, YOU KNOW,

WHEN IN "COM."

[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> YOU KNOW, LIKE "WHEN IN

ROME" -- WHEN IN "COM-A"?

I'M SORRY.

IT'S A JOKE I'VE BEEN TRYING.

I SHOULD JUST STOP SAYING IT.

>> [ SNIFFLES ]

JON.

>> HUH.

OH.

>> HEY, JON.

WASSUP?!

LISTEN, MAN.

THE NETWORK IS UP MY ASS,

ALL RIGHT?

THEY WANT TO CANCEL THE SHOW.

THIS IS LITERALLY DEATH TO THEM.

BUT, UH...

MIGHTY JOE JON, HE PITCHED THEM

AN IDEA, AND THEY LOVED IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WE'RE GONNA DO A RATINGS STUNT.

IT'S GONNA BE CALLED "WHO WANTS

TO WAKE A GUY IN A COMA AND

BECOME A MILLIONAIRE?!?"

YES.

>> NO, YOU ARE NOT DOING A

STUPID SWEEPS STUNT WITH JON

WHILE HE'S IN A COMA.

>> WELL, I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT

WAY, KIM, BUT THE NETWORK HAS

POWER OF ATTORNEY.

THAT MEANS WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE

WANT TO WITH HIM.

MAYBE [SIGHS] WE'LL PUT HIS

HOSPITAL BED ON A MOTORCYCLE AND

HAVE HIM DO THAT JUMP.

SEE YOU AT THE EMMYS,

SWEEPY-HEAD!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> THAT'S A GUY IN A COMA, AND

THAT'S A MILLION DOLLARS.

AND THIS IS "WHO WANTS TO WAKE A

GUY IN A COMA AND BE A

MILLIONAIRE?!?"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ UPBEAT THEME PLAYS ]

>> Crowd: EW!

>> [ BURPS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> OKAY, AMERICA, LET'S WAKE HIM

UP.

[ LOUD MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ GOATS BLEAT ]

>> Crowd: AWW!

[ AIR HORN BLARING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ MEN ARGUING IN CHINESE ]

[ BUZZER SOUNDS ]

>> NO LUCK THIS WEEK.

BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY THE

"COMA" CRUMBLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER

EDITION OF "WHO WANTS TO WAKE A

GUY IN A COMA AND BE A

MILLIONAIRE?!?"

GOOD NIGHT, AMERICA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> KIM, I HEAR YOU.

IT'S FRUSTRATING.

YEAH, BUT HE BASICALLY SIGNED

HIS LIFE AWAY.

>> WELL, WHAT IF JON AND I WERE

MARRIED?

>> WELL, YEAH, IF YOU WERE

MARRIED, WELL, THAT WOULD BE A

WHOLE DIFFERENT SITUATION

'CAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE A ROLE IN

ALL DECISION MAKING.

>> AND WHAT IF JON AND I WERE

ABOUT TO GET MARRIED?

COULDN'T I JUST, LET'S SAY,

MARRY HIM WHILE HE'S IN HIS

COMA?

I MEAN, W-WE ARE ENGAGED.

>> ISN'T THAT MORE OF A

FRIENDSHIP RING?

SO, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LIKE A WEDDING CEREMONY IN THE

HOSPITAL ROOM -- THAT KIND OF

THING?

>> YEAH. YEAH.

IS THERE A PRECEDENT FOR THAT?

>> HEY, THERE'S PRECEDENT FOR

EVERYTHING.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

>> GREAT.

>> OH, NEXT WEEK, IF HE'S STILL

IN THE COMA, I'M GONNA COME DOWN

AND DO THE SHOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M GONNA GET RIGHT UP CLOSE TO

HIM, RIGHT IN HIS EAR, AND I'M

GONNA GO, "OBJECTION!"

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW, MILLION DOLLARS --

KIND OF GOT TO DO IT.

>> HEY, JON.

HOW'S IT GOING?

>> UH, HEY, JON.

>> OKAY. THANK YOU.

I KNOW THIS ISN'T EXACTLY AN

IDEAL TIME...

BUT, UM...

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

KIM, DO YOU TAKE JON TO BE YOUR

LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND -- TO

HAVE AND TO HOLD, FOR RICHER,

FOR POORER, IN SICKNESS AND IN

HEALTH?

>> I DO.

OH, UM, I MADE THIS OUT OF A

PIECE OF YOUR SKI MASK.

>> JON, DO YOU TAKE KIM TO BE

YOUR LAWFUL--

>> Jon: NO.

>> JON?

[ GASPS ]

JON!

>> KIM?

>> NEAL?

>> HEY.

>> Jon: NEAL?

>> JON?

>> Jon: YOU'RE THICK-CUT NEAL?

>> NEAL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HERE?

>> I'VE COME TO ASK FOR YOUR

HAND IN MARRIAGE.

[ FLUTE PLAYS ]

I KNOW THE TIMING ISN'T GREAT,

BUT I THOUGHT JON WOULD STILL BE

IN A COMA.

>> Jon: YEAH, WELL, GUESS WHAT.

I'M NOT IN MY COMA, SO MAYBE YOU

SHOULD, UH...

HEY, UH, GUY IN THE FLUTE, WOULD

YOU TAKE A BREAK?

TAKE FIVE.

LIKE I WAS SAYING, WHY DON'T YOU

GET OUT OF HERE?

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THAT BLACK GUY WITH THE BLOND

HAIR CALLED ME A COUPLE MONTHS

AGO AND TOLD ME TO GIVE YOU A

CALL.

>> MIGHTY JOE JON?

>> YEAH.

THAT'S WHY I GOT IN TOUCH WITH

YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HE SAID IT WOULD BE A GREAT

SEASON FINALE MOMENT IF I ASKED

YOU TO MARRY ME.

TOLD ME TO GO ALL OUT.

SO I GOT THE FLUTE PLAYER AND

THE HAWK.

>> WHAT HAWK?

>> IT FLEW AWAY ON THE WAY OVER.

IT WAS GONNA FLY THE RING OVER

TO YOU.

IT WAS IN ITS TALONS.

>> Jon: WOW, THAT'S TOO BAD,

MAN.

THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL.

>> ANYWAY, UM, MIGHTY JOE JON

LED ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU AND

JON WERE THROUGH, BUT, UH, IF

THAT'S NOT THE CASE, I'LL LEAVE

YOU TWO ALONE.

>> Jon: YEAH, AND TAKE YOUR

FLUTE MAN, GET OUT OF HERE.

GO LOOK FOR THAT HAWK.

FEED HIM YOUR THICK CUT.

I GOT THIN CUT RIGHT HERE,

MAN -- DELI THIN.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> UM, JON...

DID YOU MEAN "NO" WHEN YOU SAID

IT?

>> Jon: KIM, I LOVE YOU BEYOND

WORDS, OKAY?

BUT I MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF

THAT I WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED

AGAIN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY A

PROMISE-BREAKER, RIGHT?

>> WELL, THEN, I GUESS IT'S

OVER.

>> HO...MAN.

GIRL WAKES UP GUY IN A COMA WITH

A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.

GUY SAYS "NO."

GIRL WINS A MILLION DOLLARS.

>> Jon: WHAT -- MILLION DOLLARS?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> LOOK, JON, I KNOW YOU'RE

BUMMED, BUT HERE'S TO A GREAT

SEASON FINALE.

I COULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT OF A

BETTER WAY TO TOP IT.

>> I CAN.

JUST RELAX.

DO NOT CALL FOR ROB UNLESS YOU

WANT HIM TO ALSO DIE,

UNDERSTAND?

I'M SORRY WE HAVE REACHED THIS

MOMENT.

BUT THINK OF LIKE THIS.

I HAVE BEEN EATING MEAL FOR A

VERY LONG TIME.

FIRST...

WAS APPETIZER.

THEN...

WAS SALAD.

THEN...

WAS SOUP.

THEN...

WAS CHICKEN.

THEN COLESLAW.

NOW THAT MEAL IS OVER, I'M READY

FOR HOT FUDGE SUNDAE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

WE HAVE SIMPLY REACHED END OF

LINE.

[ SILENCED GUNSHOT ]

>> [ Strained ] WHOA.

AWESOME TWIST.

>> [ SIGHS ]

MIGHTY JOE JON.

HE TRY TO TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY

FAMILY.

HE TRY TO GET ME TO KILL MY

FATHER.

HE HAD SOMEONE SHOOT YOU ON

MOTORCYCLE AND BLAME ME.

[ LAUGHS ]

RELAX.

I'M NOT FINISHED EATING YOUR

MEAL.

NOT TIME FOR DESSERT JUST YET.

>> Jon: [ SOBS ]

>> BARTENDER...

MAY I HAVE A VO--

[ "WHO WANTS TO WAKE A GUY IN A

COMA AND BECOME A

MILLIONAIRE?!?" THEME PLAYS ]