Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO

NEW YORK CITY...

>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR

OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED"...

>> IS THAT JON'S PARENTS?

>> Jon: WHEN I WAS 5, MY MOM

PAID FOR DANCE CLASSES FOR ME,

AND I QUIT.

>> I ENJOYED VISITING YOUR

PARENTS.

>> Jon: [ Baby voice ] MAMA!

>> WELL, SO, THE ESTATES HAVE

BEEN SETTLED, AND THE HOUSE IN

IDAHO HAS BEEN SOLD.

AND FINALLY, BOTH YOUR PARENTS

WERE CREMATED.

AND AT THEIR REQUEST, THEY ASKED

FOR BOTH OF THEIR ASHES TO BE,

UH, PLACED IN THIS -- THIS ONE

URN.

AND THEIR WISH FOR THE ASHES IS

THAT THEY BE SCATTERED OVER THE

CLIFFS OF MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA,

WHERE YOU WERE CONCEIVED.

SO IF NOTHING ELSE, MAYBE YOU'LL

GET A NICE TRIP TO CALIFORNIA.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

YEAH, RIGHT.

AND THINK ABOUT THEM BONING THE

WHOLE TIME I'M THERE, SPREADING

THEIR ASHES ALL OVER THE PLACE?

NO, THANKS.

>> IT'S JUST A DYING WISH.

OH, THERE WAS ALSO A BOX THAT

WAS SENT HERE FROM THE HOUSE IN

IDAHO.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A BLANKET.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

>> MM-HMM.

>> Jon: OH.

>> STUFFED FELLA.

>> OH, WHAT'S MR. TEDDY BEAR'S

NAME?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

>> SILVER DOLLAR.

MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

>> Jon: NO, BUT IT'S A FREE

DOLLAR.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY WAS, UH,

QUITE THE LITTLE TAP DANCER.

>> OH.

[ BOTH LAUGHING ]

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

MY MOM GOT THESE FOR ME FOR A

DANCE CLASS.

I USED THEM ONCE, AND, UH, I

TOLD HER TO THROW THEM AWAY.

I GUESS SHE DIDN'T.

>> HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A

BROTHER.

>> Jon: I DON'T.

>> ACTUALLY, JON, YOU DO.

>> Jon: HOW IS IT YOU GUYS THINK

THIS IS A PIECE OF INFORMATION

YOU CAN KEEP FROM ME?

>> THIS WAS YOUR PARENTS' CALL,

JON, NOT OURS.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

>> JON, WE WEREN'T AT LIBERTY TO

DISCUSS ANY OF THIS WITH YOU.

BUT NOW WE CAN TELL YOU THE

STORY.

YOUR MOTHER HAD TWINS.

YOUR PARENTS KNEW THEY COULDN'T

AFFORD TWO CHILDREN, SO THEY --

THEY FLIPPED A COIN.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

THEY FLIPPED A COIN!

[ SCOFFS ]

THAT IS INSANE!

I MEAN...

IF IT LANDS THE OTHER WAY, WHO

KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS?

MAYBE I'M ADOPTED BY A MILITARY

FAMILY OR SOMETHING.

I JOIN THE NAVY.

I START FLYING FIGHTER JETS.

MAYBE I BECOME LIKE THE TOP GUY.

RENEGADE -- THAT'S MY NICKNAME.

"RENEGADE, RENEGADE, COME IN."

"WHAT'S UP, TOWER?

THIS IS RENEGADE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?"

"GOT SOME COORDINATES --

SADDAM HUSSEIN'S BUNKER."

HIT THE TURBOJETS.

[ IMITATES FIGHTER JET ]

DROP MY PAYLOAD. BOOM.

SADDAM HUSSEIN DEAD, RENEGADE

NATIONAL HERO.

HEADLINES OF ALL THE PAPERS.

I GET HOME, GET LAID LEFT AND

RIGHT.

EVERY GIRL WANTS TO [BLEEP] THE

'GADE.

MAYBE KATRINA NEVER HAPPENS.

I DON'T KNOW. WE DON'T KNOW.

WE DON'T KNOW 'CAUSE OF A

[BLEEP] COIN TOSS.

>> ANYWAY FOR 30 YEARS, YOUR

BROTHER REQUESTED THAT HIS FILE

BE OPEN.

EVERY YEAR, YOUR PARENTS SAID

NO.

BUT NOW THE FILE IS OPEN.

HE KNOWS HE HAS A BROTHER, AND

HE WANTS TO MEET YOU.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

ALL RIGHT.

THEN I WANT TO MEET HIM.

OKAY.

PLACE LOOK GOOD?

EVERYTHING LOOK CLEAN?

>> YEAH.

IT LOOKS GREAT.

>> Jon: HOW ABOUT THIS?

DOES THIS LOOK NICE?

>> HONEY, YOU LOOK REALLY

HANDSOME.

>> Jon: YOU SURE IT'S NOT TRYING

TOO HARD?

>> NO.

>> Jon: IT'S NOT TOO MUCH?

>> NO.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

>> Jon: I THINK I'M GONNA

CHANGE.

>> UH, JON...

>> Jon: I'M GONNA PUT ON -- I'M

PUTTING ON SWEATS.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

>> Jon: YEAH, I WANT TO KEEP IT

CASUAL.

>> NO.

>> Jon: CAN YOU GUYS HELP ME

FIND MY SWEATS?

>> PLEASE DON'T PUT ON THE

SWEATS.

>> Jon: NEED TO FIND MY SWEATS,

GUYS.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY

SWEATS -- WOULD BE GREAT.

WHERE ARE MY SWEATS?

ARE YOU SITTING ON THEM?

>> I TALKED TO HIM ON THE PHONE

THIS MORNING.

HE'S VERY EXCITED TO MEET YOU.

>> Jon: WHAT IF WE DON'T GET

ALONG?

I MEAN, WHAT IF HE DOESN'T LIKE

ME?

THEN WHAT DO I DO?

PLEASE HELP ME.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

WHERE ARE MY SWEATS?!

[BLEEP] WHERE ARE --

PLEASE HELP ME FIND THE SWEATS.

>> JON, JON, JON, FOCUS, OKAY?

CALM.

>> Jon: YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE

RIGHT.

>> BY THE WAY, YOUR BROTHER'S

GONNA BE IN DISGUISE FOR HIS

PROTECTION AS WELL AS YOURS,

OKAY?

WE HAD HAIR AND MAKEUP DO A

LITTLE JOB ON HIM.

AND HE'S BEEN INSTRUCTED TO GO

BY THE NAME LON.

>> Jon: LON.

>> LON.

>> Jon: OKAY.

>> HEY. I'M ROB.

WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

HERE. COME ON IN.

>> Jon: [ SOBBING ]

>> OH, GOD.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> I'M LON.

>> Jon: I'M JON.

>> IT'S SUCH A JOYFUL MOMENT TO

MEET YOU.

I'M -- I'M MOVED BEYOND WORDS.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

SO, WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

SHOULD I TAKE MY PANTS OFF?

WERE YOU GONNA PUT SOME PANTS

ON?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: I FORGOT.

YOU KNOW, I, UH, FEEL LIKE I HAD

A PRETTY NORMAL CHILDHOOD.

MOM AND DAD CERTAINLY SEEMED

NORMAL ENOUGH, ALTHOUGH HEARING

ABOUT THIS COIN TOSS -- I MEAN,

TALK ABOUT A TURD MOVE, HUH?

>> I KNOW.

IT REALLY BLEW ME AWAY.

>> Jon: YEAH.

HEY, UH, ROB, WHO'S OLDER?

>> JON.

>> Jon: BABY BRO!

[ LAUGHS ]

LOOK, I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN, UH,

JABBERING AWAY.

YOUR TURN.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> IT'S YOUR TYPICAL FOSTER-HOME

STORY.

I BOUNCED AROUND FROM HOME TO

HOME.

I HAD A COUPLE NICE PEOPLE TAKE

CARE OF ME, BUT MOSTLY I ENDED

UP WITH, UH, SOME REAL JERKS.

I EVENTUALLY SETTLED IN MAINE.

WENT TO SCHOOL THERE.

PAID MY OWN WAY.

I LIVE THERE NOW.

IT'S BEEN A LONELY LIFE, BUT

I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT THERE'S

SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO GAVE ME MY

LIFE INFLUENCE.

SAVED MY MONEY, AND I OPENED MY

OWN TAP SCHOOL.

I TEACH TAP.

>> WOW.

>> YEAH.

OH. I ALMOST FORGOT.

I BROUGHT TAP SHOES FOR

EVERYONE.

FOR YOU, DANCE SHOES.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THERE YOU GO, DAVID.

>> David: WOW! THANK YOU.

>> AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

FOR MY BROTHER, JON.

FROM ME TO YOU.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

>> WHAT IS IT?

WHAT'S WRONG?

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, JUST...

MOM WAS, UH -- MOM WAS REALLY

INTO DANCE.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, SHE ALWAYS

WANTED ME TO GET INTO IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR FAIRIES.

I HAD NO INTEREST.

NOW YOU SHOW UP, AND YOU'RE --

YOU'RE INTO DANCE.

YOU -- YOU TAP.

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN TAP SCHOOL.

IT'S LIKE SHE GAVE AWAY THE

WRONG SON.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHOA.

>> David: DAD...

>> Jon: SHE KEEPS YOU, SHE HAS

THE TAPPING SON SHE ALWAYS

WANTED.

AND I GET TO GO KILL

SADDAM HUSSEIN.

>> YOU COULD NOT KILL A FLY!

ONLY REAL MEN GET TO KILL!

>> OKAY, SERGEI.

>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE A

REAL MAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE A

REAL MIRMINSKY.

>> Jon: SEE, I TOLD YOU YOU'D

LOVE NICKY'S, RIGHT?

>> IT WAS HANDS-DOWN THE BEST

SANDWICH THAT I'VE EVER HAD.

>> Jon: TELL ME ABOUT IT!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

OH, MY GOD.

>> I HAD MIGHTY JOE JON SET IT

UP WHILE WE WERE OUT.

>> Jon: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

HOLY [BLEEP]

>> * BROTHERS CATCHING UP ON OLD

TIMES *

* THAT THEY NEVER HAD

>> * CATCHING UP

>> * PLAYING GAMES AND EATING

CANDY *

* MAN, IT'S TOTALLY RAD

>> * CATCHING UP

>> * BROTHERS CATCHING UP ARE

>> * SO

* SO

* SO

>> GOOD NIGHT, JON.

>> Jon: GOOD NIGHT, BABY BRO.

>> OH, MAN.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

>> WELL, IT HAS BEEN A GREAT

WEEK.

>> Jon: YEAH.

[ SIGHS ]

>> BEFORE I GO, THERE IS

SOMETHING SERIOUS THAT I WANTED

TO ASK YOU.

>> Jon: OH, OKAY.

>> I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO BRING

SOME -- NOT ALL, BUT SOME -- OF

MOM AND DAD'S ASHES HOME WITH

ME.

IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO ME.

>> Jon: OH.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: UM...

WOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I THINK YOU GOT TO SLOW DOWN A

LITTLE BIT, BABY BRO.

I KNOW THAT'S YOUR MOM AND DAD

IN THERE, BUT IT TAKES A LITTLE

MORE THAN A WEEK OF HANGING OUT

AND SMASHING WATERMELONS TO

BECOME SOMEONE'S SON.

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> Jon: LON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

TO TELL YOU, MAN.

THIS IS LIKE ROB ASKING ME FOR

SOME ASHES.

>> IT'S NOTHING LIKE ROB ASKING

YOU.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT IS NOTHING LIKE ROB, BECAUSE

ROB ACTUALLY KNEW MY PARENTS,

AND HE ACTUALLY SPENT TIME WITH

THEM.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF HE ASKED ME FOR SOME OF THE

ASHES, I'D PROBABLY GIVE HIM

SOME.

I'M JUST TELLING IT HOW IT IS.

OKAY, I'M THE OLDER BROTHER.

THIS IS MY CALL. MY CALL.

>> [ GRUNTING ]

[ HISSES ]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WISH I NEVER KNEW THAT I HAD A

BROTHER!

>> Jon: YEAH, OKAY.

TAP YOUR ASS BACK TO MAINE!

GO ON!

[ SIGHS ]

MAYBE YOU DID CHOOSE THE RIGHT

CHILD.

>> HEY.

[ SNAPS FINGERS ]

WAKE UP.

IT'S YOUR TURN.

>> I'M SORRY.

PAPA SENT ME A LETTER WITH PHOTO

OF REAL MOTHER.

>> WHAT'S THAT, SERGEI?

I ONLY UNDERSTAND MIRMINSKY.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> JUST OPEN IT, SERGEI.

>> YOU OPEN.

>> OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

"PAPA."

HERE IS A PHOTO OF YOUR WHORE

MOTHER.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT?

SO I'M NOT REAL MIRMINSKY.

SO WHAT?!

PLAY CARDS!

>> SO, I GUESS I SHOULD JUST

TAKE OVER AS THESE CHIPS' NEW

MOMMY.

OOH!

>> YOU KNOW, I JUST -- I CANNOT

BELIEVE YOU WOULDN'T SHARE THE

ASHES WITH LON.

I MEAN, YOU GUYS SPENT THIS

REALLY EMOTIONAL WEEK TOGETHER.

YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST THOUGHT

ABOUT IT.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY PARENTS, MY ASHES.

OH, AND MY BULL'S-EYE!

BOOM! MY BULL'S!

YOU KNOW, LIKE, "MY BAD."

MY BULL'S!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> YEAH, I'LL LET HIM KNOW.

RIGHT. BYE.

>> Jon: WHAT'S UP?

>> THAT WAS A CALL ABOUT LON.

>> Jon: OH.

WHAT, DOES HE WANT TO SUE ME FOR

THE ASHES OR SOMETHING?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> LON'S DEAD.

HE COMMITTED SUICIDE.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> APPARENTLY, HE HADN'T SHOWED

UP AT THE DANCE STUDIO FOR A

COUPLE DAYS, AND THEN THE POLICE

FOUND A NOTE AT HIS APARTMENT

AND HIS CAR DOWN BY THE RIVER.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

>> I'M SORRY, JON.

>> Jon: [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

>> JON.

>> Jon: NO, KIM, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

I MAY HAVE BEEN SUCH A SELFISH

ASSHOLE...

BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT

SELFISHNESS BE IN VAIN.

>> DON'T YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA

MAKE SURE LON'S DEATH WASN'T IN

VAIN?

>> Jon: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT,

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Jon: WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE

A LONG TIME AGO.

I'M GONNA TAP HIS ASH ON HOME.

>> HEY, JON.

I JUST WANT TO SAY I THINK IT'S

GREAT WHAT YOU'RE DOING FOR YOUR

BROTHER.

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

>> TAPPING THOSE ASHES ALL THE

WAY TO MAINE -- THAT'S LOVE,

MAN.

>> Jon: LET'S JUST MAKE SURE WE

SET ASIDE TIME TO GET A LOBSTER

ROLL ON THE WAY.

>> I'LL GRAB THE CAR.

>> I WISH I WAS COMING WITH YOU,

HOLD DOORS ALONG THE WAY.

>> Jon: I KNOW, JAY, BUT THERE'S

NO DOORS WHERE I'M GOING.

THANK YOU, THOUGH.

HERE WE GO.

>> Jon: [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

OH, YEAH.

>> AND I ATTACHED A LITTLE RAIN

JACKET IN CASE IT RAINS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: IT'S THE BEST URN BJORN

I'VE EVER HAD.

OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

YOU KNOW, I -- I CAN'T BRING LON

BACK.

BUT I CAN HONOR HIS LEGACY BY

TAKING LEMONS...AND MAKING

LON-MONADE.

[ HORN HONKS ]

>> Jon: LET'S DO THIS!

LO-O-O-O-O-O-N!

[ ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS CHORD ]

>> * IT'S NEVER EASY SAYING

SORRY *

* GETS HARDER EVERY DAY

* TAKE ALL THE TROUBLES OF A

LIFETIME AND TAP THEM AWAY *

>> * TAPPING ON EMPTY, YEAH

* TAPPING FOR YOU

* TAPPING ALL OF MY HEART AND

SOUL, IT'S TRUE *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

[ MUSIC FADES ]

>> I WANT YOU TO KNOW YOU'RE

GOING TO DIE TONIGHT.

THIS...

MY MOTHER.

SHE WAS WHORE.

DID NOT WANT ME.

MY WHOLE LIFE BEEN A LIE!

WE SHARE THE SAME PAIN.

I KILL YOUR PARENTS TO MAKE JON

FEEL PAIN.

I KIDNAP YOU SO HE FEEL MY PAIN!

AND NOW IS TIME TO DIE.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> WHAT?

YOU WANT LAST WORD?

>> MM-HMM.

AAH! YOU'RE WRONG!

YOU'RE WRONG!

WE DON'T SHARE THE SAME PAIN!

MY MOM FLIPPED A COIN.

THAT'S HOW SHE ENDED UP WITH THE

ASSHOLE BROTHER THAT I HAVE.

I KNOW HOW YOU'RE FEELING, AND

YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEEL BAD OR

SAD OR ANGRY OR WHATEVER IT IS

YOU FEEL, BECAUSE YOU...

ARE...

LOVED!

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT

YOU HAVE PARENTS!

YOU HAVE A FAMILY!

YOU HAVE A BROTHER WHO LOVES YOU

AND WANTS YOU!

I NEVER HAD THAT!

YOU ARE LOVED!

>> [ Voice breaking ] I AM NOT!

>> SERGEI...

YOU ARE LOVED, SERGEI.

YOU ARE LOVED.

>> [ SCREAMS ]

>> YES, YOU ARE LOVED.

>> [ CRIES ]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> IT'S OKAY, SERGEI.

IT'S OKAY.

>> THANK YOU.

[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]

I FEEL BETTER.

>> Jon: [ PANTING ]

[ PANTING CONTINUES ]

HEY, LITTLE BRO.

I MADE IT.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T SHARE SOME OF

MOM AND DAD'S ASHES WITH YOU.

I HOPE ME TAPPING ALL THE WAY TO

MAINE SORT OF MAKES UP FOR

EVERYTHING.

IN ANY CASE, I'M -- I'M GLAD WE

GOT TO AT LEAST MEET...

AND SPEND A LITTLE BIT OF TIME

TOGETHER.

I'M GLAD I HAVE A BROTHER.

HAD A BROTHER.

A "WITTLE BRUDDA."

WHAT THE [BLEEP]

>> I'M SORRY, BRO.

I HAD A FEELING YOU MIGHT NOT

WANT TO SHARE MOM AND DAD, EVEN

THOUGH I'M CLEARLY THE SON MOM

SHOULD HAVE KEPT.

CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS NOTE.

WE'LL MAKE ARRANGEMENTS TO GET

YOU YOUR HALF OF THE ASHES

BACK.

BY THE WAY, I DOUBLE-CHECKED

THE RECORDS, AND I'M THE OLDER

BROTHER.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

>> SO FRRT YOU. LON.

>> Jon: [ SCOFFS ]

WELL, I GUESS THE APPLE DOESN'T

FALL FAR FROM THE CHIP OFF THE

OL' DICK.

[ SCOFFS ]

>> OH, MY GOD.

YEAH.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

JON, COME ON.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> COME ON. COME ON, JON!

>> IF YOU ARE WATCHING THIS...

THEN YOU KNOW BROTHER IS DEAD.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE LET HIM

LIVE, BUT I COULD NOT HAVE

ANOTHER WITH YOUR FACE RUNNING

AROUND.

AND NOW...

YOUR MOTHER...

IS INSIDE ME.

AHH!

NOWARE BROTHERS!

[ LAUGHING EVILLY ]

>> Jon: MAN, WHAT ELSE IS ON?

[ SCOFFS ]

>> * TAPPING ON EMPTY, YEAH

* TAPPING FOR YOU

* TAPPING ALL OF MY HEART AND

SOUL, IT'S TRUE *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH