Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY

SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

OHH.

[ GUNSHOT ]

HEY!

[ GUNSHOT ]

AAH!

[ GUNSHOT ]

OOH!

[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE

LATE EVERY WEEK, YOU'D THINK

MAYBE YOU WOULD DECIDE, "OH,

LET'S LEAVE EARLIER THIS WEEK SO

WE'RE NOT LATE."

>> Mike: YOU'D THINK SO.

>> Jon: HERE WE GO.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ALL SET.

YOU HAVE FUN WITH YOUR DAD,

OKAY?

>> Jon: HEY, CHRIS.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: TALK TO YOU FOR A

SECOND?

>> SURE.

>> Jon: UH, WHAT'S UP WITH THE

MOTORCYCLE HELMET?

>> UH, WELL, YOU KNOW I GOT A

HARLEY, RIGHT?

>> Jon: I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

>> YEAH. I WAS JUST TELLING

DAVID HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO

WEAR A HELMET SO I DON'T CRACK

OPEN MY SKULL IF I CRASH.

AND I MADE A JOKE THAT HE SHOULD

WEAR THE HELMET 24 HOURS A DAY,

AND I THINK IT SCARED HIM A

LITTLE BIT.

>> All: OOH!

>> Jon: LOOK, FUNNY BONES, UH, I

NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAV.

STAY OUT OF DAD CITY FOR A

LITTLE WHILE, ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S MY DOMAIN.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

SEEMS TO ME LIKE THAT TOWN'S GOT

A POPULATION OF TWO NOWADAYS.

>> [ WHISTLING ]

>> Jon: RIGHT THERE, RIGHT

THERE -- IS THAT A SPRUCE OR A

PINE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> David: I DON'T KNOW.

DAD, CAN WE GET SOMETHING TO

DRINK?

I'M THIRSTY.

>> Jon: OH, YOU'RE THIRSTY?

OH, I THINK I KNOW WHY.

IT'S BECAUSE MAYBE IT'S HOT OUT

AND YOU HAVE A MOTORCYCLE HELMET

ON.

SO MAYBE YOU TAKE OFF THE

HELMET -- ABRACADABRA --

YOU'RE NOT THIRSTY ANYMORE.

>> David: NO, DAD, A BRANCH

COULD FALL OUT OF THE TREE AND

HIT ME IN THE HEAD AND GIVE ME

BRAIN DAMAGE.

>> Jon: CHRIS' SENSE OF HUMOR IS

GONNA GIVE YOU BRAIN DAMAGE,

OKAY?

HE WAS JOKING.

>> David: NO, DAD, HE WASN'T

JOKING.

YOU JUST DON'T LIKE HIM 'CAUSE

HE'S TAKING MOM TO THE

BONE ZONE.

>> Mike: [ Chuckling ] WHOA!

>> Jon: WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY,

MOUTH?

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA NEED FIVE

MINUTES WITH MY SON -- IF WE

COULD GET THE CAMERAS OFF,

PLEASE?

WHAT WAS THAT?

DON'T KEEP ROLLING WHEN I ASK

YOU TO TURN THE CAMERAS OFF.

>> COME ON.

JUST GIVE IT TO US ON-CAMERA.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

>> Jon: [BLEEP] YOU! MIKE?

>> Mike: CALM DOWN.

>> Jon: I AM CALM!

TURN THEM OFF!

WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!

OFF, ASSHOLES!

STOP IT!

HEY, DICK, I'M MAKING THE CALL.

TURN IT OFF.

FIVE MINUTES. NOW, GUYS.

TURN IT OFF!

GET OUT OF HERE!

[ PANTING ]

IS THAT ROD STEWART?

GIVE ME -- COME ON!

OH!

>> JON!

COME ON!

HEY, JON!

>> Mike: DAVE, STAY THERE.

>> Jon: HERE, RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT HERE. OKAY.

OKAY. HOLY SMOKES.

>> YEAH, HE WAS GOING PRETTY

FAST DOWN THE PATH, GUYS.

>> JON!

>> David: COME ON, DAD!

DAD, I'LL TAKE OFF THE HELMET!

>> Mike: SO, I'M NOT WEARING

ANY -- COME ON!

>> Jon: OKAY, I THINK I GOT

TO -- I THINK I BOUGHT A LITTLE

TIME HERE TO RELAX.

HOPEFULLY, IT'LL TAKE THEM A

WHILE TO COME BACK HERE, BUT...

BEEEE-OOH!

BEEEE-OOH!

Hey! Psst!

>> IS SOMEONE IN THERE?

>> Jon: YEAH. COME HERE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU FILMING?

>> Jon: COME HERE.

COME IN THE BUSH.

I'LL TELL YOU.

>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

>> Jon: NO, NO.

I'LL GIVE YOU -- I'LL GIVE YOU

$10,000.

>> OH.

>> Jon: COME ON IN. COME ON IN.

HURRY UP. HURRY UP.

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, HURRY,

HURRY.

SIT DOWN.

THERE WE GO.

OKAY, LET ME SEE IF I CAN VERY

QUICKLY EXPLAIN WHAT I'M DOING

HERE.

MY NAME IS JON, BY THE WAY.

YOU ARE...

>> MARK.

>> Jon: GREAT TO MEET YOU.

THANK YOU FOR COMING IN THE

BUSH.

UM, SO, I'M IN THE WITNESS

PROTECTION PROGRAM.

THAT'S WHY I'M WEARING THIS

MASK.

HE IS MAKING JOKES TO MY SON TO

SCARE HIM INTO WEARING A

MOTORCYCLE HELMET.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A PLACE CALLED

"NICKY'S GRINDERS," AND IT'S,

UM, IT'S THE BEST SUB SHOP IN

NEW YORK.

THE NUMBER 17, WHICH IS

SALAMI...

NUMBER 33, AND IT'S, LIKE --

IT'S LIKE -- YOU KNOW, IT'S A

CLASSIC CAPRESE.

NUMBER 24 -- YOU GOT SMOKED

GOUDA.

THAT'S BASICALLY WHY I'M, UH,

OFFERING YOU ALL THAT MONEY TO

PUT ON THIS MASK, GO OUT THERE

FOR A FEW HOURS, AND PRETEND TO

BE ME.

>> I MEAN, A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT

WOULD WALK INTO THIS BUSH WOULD

PROBABLY SAY "NO," BUT...

I'M GONNA DO IT, OKAY?

I'M GONNA DO IT, AND I'M GONNA

TELL YOU WHY.

I HAD MY OWN ROLLERBLADE STORE,

BUT, UM, IT WASN'T CUTTING THE

MUSTARD IN THE HAPPINESS

DEPARTMENT.

NOW MY EX-WIFE JETS OFF TO

CANCúN EVERY OTHER WEEKEND WITH

HER NEW GREEK BOYFRIEND.

ALL I HAVE IS THIS PAIR OF

ROLLERBLADES...AND A

CANDY-APPLE-RED DODGE DURANGO.

I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN TO

NICKY'S GRINDERS.

SEE, I GET THE NUMBER 4.

YEAH, SO THAT'S WHY I'LL DO IT.

THAT'S WHY -- WHY I'LL WEAR THE

MASK FOR YOU AND PRETEND TO BE

YOU.

>> Jon: THANKS.

>> [ INHALES SHARPLY ]

OHH. OH, YEAH.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> GOOD STUFF.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

>> YEAH, ALL RIGHT, FINE.

FINE. I DON'T MIND.

>> * HE IS MY FRIEND

>> Jon: OOH, LOOK AT HIS

MUSTACHE!

OHH! [ LAUGHS ]

GET AWAY FROM US HERE! OHH!

PIZZA -- HOT PIZZA, YEAH.

THANKS, MAN.

HERE'S, UH, HERE'S A PHOTO OF ME

AND MY SON.

>> OH, HE'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> Jon: HE'S DAVID.

>> HERE IS MY DODGE DURANGO.

>> Jon: THAT IS COOL.

DURANGO! BOW!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> * WHOA-OH-OH-WHOA-OH

* WHOA, WHOA, LORD

>> YOU CAN HAVE THE BACKPACK,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO

GET OUT OF IT.

>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?

>> IT'S MY BINKY.

>> Jon: HEY, AND NOW FOR THE

FINAL TOUCH.

YOU READY?

>> BOY.

>> Jon: AH. AND THERE YOU GO.

>> OH, YOU'RE A HANDSOME GUY.

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> YEAH. GOODBYE, OLD LIFE.

HELLO, INTRIGUE.

[ SNIFFLES ]

>> Jon: YOU LOOK GREAT, MAN.

>> THANK YOU.

>> David: DAD!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

Shh, shh, shh!

>> JON!

>> COME ON!

>> JON!

>> David: DAD, WHERE ARE YOU?!

>> COME ON!

>> David: COME OUT RIGHT NOW!

>> Jon: GOOD LUCK.

BE ME.

>> JON!

>> David: DAD?

>> JON?

>> YOU GOT IT.

>> David: OH, MY GOD.

DAD! DAD!

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU SCARED ME, DAD.

>> [ Crying ] OH, HONEY.

OH, MY GOD.

I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

OH!

OH.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> David: YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE. HERE'S THE HELMET.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU.

JUST TAKE IT.

I'M SORRY, OKAY?

[ PROJECTILE FIRES ]

>> HEY!

[ PROJECTILE FIRES ]

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Mike: SHOTS COMING FROM THE

AIR.

EVERYBODY, GET DOWN!

[ PROJECTILE FIRES ]

LET'S GO!

WATCH OUT!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> OH, MY GOD, JON!

>> David: DAD!

>> TEPER' MENYA LYUBISH', PAPA?

DO YOU LOVE ME NOW?

AND NOW I GET READY FOR

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AUDITION.

>> Mike: JON IS DOWN!

JON IS DOWN.

I NEED AMBULANCE, AND I NEED

BACKUP RIGHT NOW!

>> STAY LOW!

>> STAY CALM.

>> David: DAD!

>> Mike: GET ME AN AMBULANCE!

>> WE NEED AN AMBULANCE!

>> BRING IT ON! BRING IT ON!

>> TO HELL WITH YOU ALL!

>> OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

>> David: MOMMY, IT'S IN HIS

NECK!

>> HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!

>> Susan: OH, MY GOD!

>> [ Crying ] HE'S DEAD!

>> Mike: EVEN THROUGH ALL OF HIS

FAULTS, JON WAS A GOOD MAN, AND

HE WILL BE MISSED.

I ONLY WISH THAT I HAD DONE A

BETTER JOB OF PROTECTING HIM.

>> [ SNIFFLES ]

>> Susan: MIKE.

>> Mike: I...

>> Susan: IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

>> Mike: OHH.

>> Susan: THANK YOU.

>> Mike: UNH.

>> Susan: [ CLEARS THROAT ]

JON AND I HAD, UH, GROWN APART

IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, BUT WE

HAVE MANY, MANY HAPPY TIMES

TOGETHER.

HE WAS THE FATHER OF MY SON.

AND, UM, IT'S WITH A VERY, VERY

HEAVY HEART THAT I-I COME HERE

TODAY TO, UM...

WHAT THE [BLEEP]?

>> Jon: NO, PLEASE, KEEP

TALKING.

THOSE ARE THE NICEST THINGS

YOU'VE SAID ABOUT ME IN MONTHS.

HELLO, ME.

AND HELLO TO EVERYBODY.

STILL ALIVE!

HOW'S IT FEEL?

CAMERA IN YOUR FACE -- HOW DO

YOU FEEL NOW?

DO YOU LIKE THIS?

A-HOLE.

CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT BEING

FOLLOWED BY A CAMERA.

YOU CAN'T EVEN COZE OUT WITH

YOUR GAL -- WRAP MYSELF UP IN

THAT SMOKIN' BOD.

CAMERA'S -- SWEETHEART, I'M JUST

MAKING A POINT.

YOUR BODY'S AWESOME.

IT'S INSANE.

AND I CAN'T ENJOY IT WITH

CAMERAS AROUND.

IT SUCKS, AND I'M SICK OF IT.

AND NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE ME.

NOW YOU'RE ME.

YOU'RE ME, AND YOU'RE ALL --

YOU'RE ALL ME.

>> Susan: WHAT?!

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF!

YOU ASKED FOR THIS.

YOU DRAGGED DAVID AND ME INTO

THIS STUPID SHOW WE NEVER WANTED

TO DO, ANYWAY.

>> Jon: DON'T YOU DARE MAKE THIS

ABOUT YOU.

HOW SELFISH -- A MAN IS DEAD,

AND YOU'RE GONNA START MAKING

THIS ABOUT YOURSELF.

WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.

HIS NAME IS MARK.

HE USED TO OWN A ROLLERBLADING

STORE, DROVE A, UH, DODGE

DURANGO, CANDY-APPLE RED.

YEAH, SO, THEN -- THEN, HIS

WIFE, NOW EX-WIFE, JETS OFF TO

MEXICO WITH HER NEW GREEK

BOYFRIEND.

SO, THEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT

NICKY'S GRINDERS, AND HE ALREADY

HEARD OF IT.

LIKE, "DUDE, I GET THE

NUMBER 4."

SO, YEAH, OKAY, FINE.

WANT TO BE PISSED OFF AT ME?

GO AHEAD.

YOU CAN BE PISSED OFF AT ME FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

RIGHT NOW, THERE'S A MAN BEHIND

ME THAT NEEDS A FUNERAL, AND A

PROPER ONE AT THAT.

[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

A FRIEND IN THE HAND IS WORTH

TWO IN THE BUSH...

MY FRIEND.

>> OH!

>> NO!

>> UH.

>> Jon: [ EXHALING DEEPLY ]

[ CRYING ]

>> * HE IS MY FRIEND

>> * YEAH

* OH, YEAH

>> * THROUGH THICK AND THIN

>> * WHOA, LORD

>> * AND I CAN DEPEND

>> * OH, YES, I CAN

>> * ON HIM

>> * OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH

[ GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS ]