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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY
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FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION
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PROGRAM...
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MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...
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AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY
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SHOW?
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>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO
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>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON
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"DELOCATED!"...
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OHH.
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[ GUNSHOT ]
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HEY!
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[ GUNSHOT ]
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AAH!
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[ GUNSHOT ]
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OOH!
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[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]
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>> Jon: YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE
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LATE EVERY WEEK, YOU'D THINK
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MAYBE YOU WOULD DECIDE, "OH,
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LET'S LEAVE EARLIER THIS WEEK SO
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WE'RE NOT LATE."
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>> Mike: YOU'D THINK SO.
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>> Jon: HERE WE GO.
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IT'S ABOUT TIME.
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>> ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ALL SET.
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YOU HAVE FUN WITH YOUR DAD,
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OKAY?
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>> Jon: HEY, CHRIS.
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>> YEAH.
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>> Jon: TALK TO YOU FOR A
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SECOND?
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>> SURE.
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>> Jon: UH, WHAT'S UP WITH THE
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MOTORCYCLE HELMET?
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>> UH, WELL, YOU KNOW I GOT A
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HARLEY, RIGHT?
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>> Jon: I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
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>> YEAH. I WAS JUST TELLING
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DAVID HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO
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WEAR A HELMET SO I DON'T CRACK
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OPEN MY SKULL IF I CRASH.
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AND I MADE A JOKE THAT HE SHOULD
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WEAR THE HELMET 24 HOURS A DAY,
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AND I THINK IT SCARED HIM A
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LITTLE BIT.
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>> All: OOH!
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>> Jon: LOOK, FUNNY BONES, UH, I
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NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAV.
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STAY OUT OF DAD CITY FOR A
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LITTLE WHILE, ALL RIGHT?
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THAT'S MY DOMAIN.
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>> I DON'T KNOW.
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SEEMS TO ME LIKE THAT TOWN'S GOT
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A POPULATION OF TWO NOWADAYS.
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>> [ WHISTLING ]
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>> Jon: RIGHT THERE, RIGHT
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THERE -- IS THAT A SPRUCE OR A
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PINE?
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WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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>> David: I DON'T KNOW.
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DAD, CAN WE GET SOMETHING TO
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DRINK?
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I'M THIRSTY.
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>> Jon: OH, YOU'RE THIRSTY?
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OH, I THINK I KNOW WHY.
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IT'S BECAUSE MAYBE IT'S HOT OUT
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AND YOU HAVE A MOTORCYCLE HELMET
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ON.
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SO MAYBE YOU TAKE OFF THE
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HELMET -- ABRACADABRA --
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YOU'RE NOT THIRSTY ANYMORE.
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>> David: NO, DAD, A BRANCH
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COULD FALL OUT OF THE TREE AND
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HIT ME IN THE HEAD AND GIVE ME
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BRAIN DAMAGE.
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>> Jon: CHRIS' SENSE OF HUMOR IS
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GONNA GIVE YOU BRAIN DAMAGE,
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OKAY?
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HE WAS JOKING.
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>> David: NO, DAD, HE WASN'T
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JOKING.
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YOU JUST DON'T LIKE HIM 'CAUSE
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HE'S TAKING MOM TO THE
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BONE ZONE.
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>> Mike: [ Chuckling ] WHOA!
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>> Jon: WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY,
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MOUTH?
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WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
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ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA NEED FIVE
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MINUTES WITH MY SON -- IF WE
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COULD GET THE CAMERAS OFF,
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PLEASE?
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WHAT WAS THAT?
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DON'T KEEP ROLLING WHEN I ASK
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YOU TO TURN THE CAMERAS OFF.
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>> COME ON.
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JUST GIVE IT TO US ON-CAMERA.
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IT'LL BE GREAT.
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>> Jon: [BLEEP] YOU! MIKE?
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>> Mike: CALM DOWN.
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>> Jon: I AM CALM!
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TURN THEM OFF!
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WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!
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OFF, ASSHOLES!
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STOP IT!
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HEY, DICK, I'M MAKING THE CALL.
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TURN IT OFF.
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FIVE MINUTES. NOW, GUYS.
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TURN IT OFF!
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GET OUT OF HERE!
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[ PANTING ]
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IS THAT ROD STEWART?
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GIVE ME -- COME ON!
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OH!
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>> JON!
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COME ON!
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HEY, JON!
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>> Mike: DAVE, STAY THERE.
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>> Jon: HERE, RIGHT HERE.
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RIGHT HERE. OKAY.
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OKAY. HOLY SMOKES.
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>> YEAH, HE WAS GOING PRETTY
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FAST DOWN THE PATH, GUYS.
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>> JON!
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>> David: COME ON, DAD!
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DAD, I'LL TAKE OFF THE HELMET!
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>> Mike: SO, I'M NOT WEARING
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ANY -- COME ON!
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>> Jon: OKAY, I THINK I GOT
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TO -- I THINK I BOUGHT A LITTLE
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TIME HERE TO RELAX.
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HOPEFULLY, IT'LL TAKE THEM A
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WHILE TO COME BACK HERE, BUT...
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BEEEE-OOH!
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BEEEE-OOH!
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Hey! Psst!
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>> IS SOMEONE IN THERE?
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>> Jon: YEAH. COME HERE.
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>> WHAT ARE YOU FILMING?
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>> Jon: COME HERE.
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COME IN THE BUSH.
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I'LL TELL YOU.
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>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.
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>> Jon: NO, NO.
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I'LL GIVE YOU -- I'LL GIVE YOU
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$10,000.
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>> OH.
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>> Jon: COME ON IN. COME ON IN.
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HURRY UP. HURRY UP.
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HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, HURRY,
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HURRY.
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SIT DOWN.
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THERE WE GO.
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OKAY, LET ME SEE IF I CAN VERY
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QUICKLY EXPLAIN WHAT I'M DOING
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HERE.
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MY NAME IS JON, BY THE WAY.
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YOU ARE...
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>> MARK.
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>> Jon: GREAT TO MEET YOU.
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THANK YOU FOR COMING IN THE
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BUSH.
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UM, SO, I'M IN THE WITNESS
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PROTECTION PROGRAM.
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THAT'S WHY I'M WEARING THIS
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MASK.
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HE IS MAKING JOKES TO MY SON TO
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SCARE HIM INTO WEARING A
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MOTORCYCLE HELMET.
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YOU KNOW, IT'S A PLACE CALLED
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"NICKY'S GRINDERS," AND IT'S,
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UM, IT'S THE BEST SUB SHOP IN
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NEW YORK.
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THE NUMBER 17, WHICH IS
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SALAMI...
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NUMBER 33, AND IT'S, LIKE --
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IT'S LIKE -- YOU KNOW, IT'S A
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CLASSIC CAPRESE.
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NUMBER 24 -- YOU GOT SMOKED
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GOUDA.
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THAT'S BASICALLY WHY I'M, UH,
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OFFERING YOU ALL THAT MONEY TO
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PUT ON THIS MASK, GO OUT THERE
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FOR A FEW HOURS, AND PRETEND TO
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BE ME.
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>> I MEAN, A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT
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WOULD WALK INTO THIS BUSH WOULD
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PROBABLY SAY "NO," BUT...
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I'M GONNA DO IT, OKAY?
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I'M GONNA DO IT, AND I'M GONNA
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TELL YOU WHY.
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I HAD MY OWN ROLLERBLADE STORE,
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BUT, UM, IT WASN'T CUTTING THE
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MUSTARD IN THE HAPPINESS
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DEPARTMENT.
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NOW MY EX-WIFE JETS OFF TO
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CANCúN EVERY OTHER WEEKEND WITH
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HER NEW GREEK BOYFRIEND.
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ALL I HAVE IS THIS PAIR OF
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ROLLERBLADES...AND A
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CANDY-APPLE-RED DODGE DURANGO.
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I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN TO
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NICKY'S GRINDERS.
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SEE, I GET THE NUMBER 4.
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YEAH, SO THAT'S WHY I'LL DO IT.
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THAT'S WHY -- WHY I'LL WEAR THE
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MASK FOR YOU AND PRETEND TO BE
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YOU.
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>> Jon: THANKS.
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>> [ INHALES SHARPLY ]
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OHH. OH, YEAH.
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>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]
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>> GOOD STUFF.
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>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
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>> YEAH, ALL RIGHT, FINE.
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FINE. I DON'T MIND.
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>> * HE IS MY FRIEND
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>> Jon: OOH, LOOK AT HIS
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MUSTACHE!
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OHH! [ LAUGHS ]
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GET AWAY FROM US HERE! OHH!
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PIZZA -- HOT PIZZA, YEAH.
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THANKS, MAN.
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HERE'S, UH, HERE'S A PHOTO OF ME
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AND MY SON.
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>> OH, HE'S BEAUTIFUL.
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>> Jon: HE'S DAVID.
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>> HERE IS MY DODGE DURANGO.
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>> Jon: THAT IS COOL.
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DURANGO! BOW!
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> * WHOA-OH-OH-WHOA-OH
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* WHOA, WHOA, LORD
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>> YOU CAN HAVE THE BACKPACK,
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BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO
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GET OUT OF IT.
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>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?
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>> IT'S MY BINKY.
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>> Jon: HEY, AND NOW FOR THE
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FINAL TOUCH.
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YOU READY?
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>> BOY.
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>> Jon: AH. AND THERE YOU GO.
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>> OH, YOU'RE A HANDSOME GUY.
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>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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>> YEAH. GOODBYE, OLD LIFE.
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HELLO, INTRIGUE.
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[ SNIFFLES ]
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>> Jon: YOU LOOK GREAT, MAN.
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>> THANK YOU.
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>> David: DAD!
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Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!
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Shh, shh, shh!
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>> JON!
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>> COME ON!
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>> JON!
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>> David: DAD, WHERE ARE YOU?!
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>> COME ON!
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>> David: COME OUT RIGHT NOW!
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>> Jon: GOOD LUCK.
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BE ME.
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>> JON!
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>> David: DAD?
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>> JON?
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>> YOU GOT IT.
268
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,031
>> David: OH, MY GOD.
269
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,002
DAD! DAD!
270
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,141
WHAT THE HELL?
271
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,235
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
272
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,467
OH, MY GOD.
273
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:47,343
YOU SCARED ME, DAD.
274
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,280
>> [ Crying ] OH, HONEY.
275
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,036
OH, MY GOD.
276
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,683
I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
277
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:53,379
OH!
278
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:54,050
OH.
279
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,647
[ LAUGHS ]
280
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:56,479
>> David: YOU KNOW WHAT?
281
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:58,054
HERE. HERE'S THE HELMET.
282
00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,721
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
283
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,060
I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO YOU.
284
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:02,815
JUST TAKE IT.
285
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,223
I'M SORRY, OKAY?
286
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:05,194
[ PROJECTILE FIRES ]
287
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,602
>> HEY!
288
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:08,325
[ PROJECTILE FIRES ]
289
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:09,298
>> OH, MY GOD!
290
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:10,896
>> Mike: SHOTS COMING FROM THE
291
00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:11,298
AIR.
292
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,328
EVERYBODY, GET DOWN!
293
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:14,233
[ PROJECTILE FIRES ]
294
00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:15,174
LET'S GO!
295
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:15,768
WATCH OUT!
296
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:16,699
>> OH, MY GOD!
297
00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:17,714
>> OH, MY GOD, JON!
298
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,565
>> David: DAD!
299
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,743
>> TEPER' MENYA LYUBISH', PAPA?
300
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:24,612
DO YOU LOVE ME NOW?
301
00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:26,252
AND NOW I GET READY FOR
302
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:27,576
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AUDITION.
303
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:28,851
>> Mike: JON IS DOWN!
304
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:29,719
JON IS DOWN.
305
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,017
I NEED AMBULANCE, AND I NEED
306
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:33,188
BACKUP RIGHT NOW!
307
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:34,116
>> STAY LOW!
308
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:34,821
>> STAY CALM.
309
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:35,522
>> David: DAD!
310
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:36,593
>> Mike: GET ME AN AMBULANCE!
311
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:37,530
>> WE NEED AN AMBULANCE!
312
00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:38,785
>> BRING IT ON! BRING IT ON!
313
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,632
>> TO HELL WITH YOU ALL!
314
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:41,828
>> OH, MY GOD.
315
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,059
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
316
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,533
>> David: MOMMY, IT'S IN HIS
317
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:45,132
NECK!
318
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,372
>> HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!
319
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,097
>> Susan: OH, MY GOD!
320
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,141
>> [ Crying ] HE'S DEAD!
321
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,166
>> Mike: EVEN THROUGH ALL OF HIS
322
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,744
FAULTS, JON WAS A GOOD MAN, AND
323
00:07:56,744 --> 00:08:00,554
HE WILL BE MISSED.
324
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,818
I ONLY WISH THAT I HAD DONE A
325
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,916
BETTER JOB OF PROTECTING HIM.
326
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,548
>> [ SNIFFLES ]
327
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:07,194
>> Susan: MIKE.
328
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,087
>> Mike: I...
329
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,558
>> Susan: IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
330
00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:10,557
>> Mike: OHH.
331
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,318
>> Susan: THANK YOU.
332
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,234
>> Mike: UNH.
333
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,225
>> Susan: [ CLEARS THROAT ]
334
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,556
JON AND I HAD, UH, GROWN APART
335
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:17,263
IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, BUT WE
336
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:20,134
HAVE MANY, MANY HAPPY TIMES
337
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:20,673
TOGETHER.
338
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:23,798
HE WAS THE FATHER OF MY SON.
339
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:27,274
AND, UM, IT'S WITH A VERY, VERY
340
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,884
HEAVY HEART THAT I-I COME HERE
341
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,347
TODAY TO, UM...
342
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,445
WHAT THE [BLEEP]?
343
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,647
>> Jon: NO, PLEASE, KEEP
344
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:36,079
TALKING.
345
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,323
THOSE ARE THE NICEST THINGS
346
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:39,617
YOU'VE SAID ABOUT ME IN MONTHS.
347
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:40,820
HELLO, ME.
348
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,721
AND HELLO TO EVERYBODY.
349
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:45,833
STILL ALIVE!
350
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:46,886
HOW'S IT FEEL?
351
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,034
CAMERA IN YOUR FACE -- HOW DO
352
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:49,929
YOU FEEL NOW?
353
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,230
DO YOU LIKE THIS?
354
00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:52,671
A-HOLE.
355
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:53,966
CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT BEING
356
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:54,897
FOLLOWED BY A CAMERA.
357
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:56,102
YOU CAN'T EVEN COZE OUT WITH
358
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:58,173
YOUR GAL -- WRAP MYSELF UP IN
359
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,071
THAT SMOKIN' BOD.
360
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,143
CAMERA'S -- SWEETHEART, I'M JUST
361
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:01,911
MAKING A POINT.
362
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:02,779
YOUR BODY'S AWESOME.
363
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:03,376
IT'S INSANE.
364
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,406
AND I CAN'T ENJOY IT WITH
365
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:05,111
CAMERAS AROUND.
366
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:06,952
IT SUCKS, AND I'M SICK OF IT.
367
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,277
AND NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
368
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:08,821
TO BE ME.
369
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:09,516
NOW YOU'RE ME.
370
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:10,876
YOU'RE ME, AND YOU'RE ALL --
371
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:11,754
YOU'RE ALL ME.
372
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:12,692
>> Susan: WHAT?!
373
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,346
YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF!
374
00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:15,394
YOU ASKED FOR THIS.
375
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,858
YOU DRAGGED DAVID AND ME INTO
376
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,427
THIS STUPID SHOW WE NEVER WANTED
377
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:19,255
TO DO, ANYWAY.
378
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,859
>> Jon: DON'T YOU DARE MAKE THIS
379
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,101
ABOUT YOU.
380
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:25,365
HOW SELFISH -- A MAN IS DEAD,
381
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,465
AND YOU'RE GONNA START MAKING
382
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:28,866
THIS ABOUT YOURSELF.
383
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,969
WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS GUY.
384
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:32,771
HIS NAME IS MARK.
385
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,413
HE USED TO OWN A ROLLERBLADING
386
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,337
STORE, DROVE A, UH, DODGE
387
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:41,254
DURANGO, CANDY-APPLE RED.
388
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,818
YEAH, SO, THEN -- THEN, HIS
389
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,916
WIFE, NOW EX-WIFE, JETS OFF TO
390
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,718
MEXICO WITH HER NEW GREEK
391
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:47,290
BOYFRIEND.
392
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,787
SO, THEN I TOLD HIM ABOUT
393
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,089
NICKY'S GRINDERS, AND HE ALREADY
394
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:51,661
HEARD OF IT.
395
00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:52,489
LIKE, "DUDE, I GET THE
396
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,062
NUMBER 4."
397
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,900
SO, YEAH, OKAY, FINE.
398
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:57,826
WANT TO BE PISSED OFF AT ME?
399
00:09:57,831 --> 00:09:59,171
GO AHEAD.
400
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,426
YOU CAN BE PISSED OFF AT ME FOR
401
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,403
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
402
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,041
RIGHT NOW, THERE'S A MAN BEHIND
403
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,336
ME THAT NEEDS A FUNERAL, AND A
404
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,567
PROPER ONE AT THAT.
405
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:08,713
[ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
406
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,479
A FRIEND IN THE HAND IS WORTH
407
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:13,577
TWO IN THE BUSH...
408
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:17,320
MY FRIEND.
409
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:17,847
>> OH!
410
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:18,791
>> NO!
411
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:19,946
>> UH.
412
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,923
>> Jon: [ EXHALING DEEPLY ]
413
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,231
[ CRYING ]
414
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:42,178
>> * HE IS MY FRIEND
415
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:43,575
>> * YEAH
416
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,106
* OH, YEAH
417
00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:49,922
>> * THROUGH THICK AND THIN
418
00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,447
>> * WHOA, LORD
419
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:56,121
>> * AND I CAN DEPEND
420
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,363
>> * OH, YES, I CAN
421
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:02,598
>> * ON HIM
422
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:05,065
>> * OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH
423
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,025
[ GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS ]
25332
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