Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY

SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

>> Susan: I'M TAKING DAVID TO A

HOTEL.

I NEED TO FIGURE SOME STUFF OUT.

>> Jon: SUSAN, COME ON.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> Susan: DAVID AND I ARE GOING

TO REMOVE OUR SKI MASKS AND OUR

VOCAL HARMONIZERS.

>> Jon: NO, YOU'RE NOT.

>> SUSAN'S OFFICIALLY FILING FOR

DIVORCE.

>> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND.

THEY'RE MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT

SUSAN?

[BLEEP] SLICE. COME ON.

TURN THE HANDS.

OH, GOD. TERRIBLE.

>> Mike: YOU SHOULD LOOSEN YOUR

GRIP.

THINK ABOUT HOLDING A BABY BIRD.

TIGHT ENOUGH SO THAT IT CAN'T

ESCAPE, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT TO

CRUSH IT.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

SHUT UP, MIKE.

>> Mike: UNLESS IT BITES YOU.

AND THEN YOU CRUSH IT.

>> HI. UH, YOU MUST BE JON.

>> Jon: THAT I AM.

>> I'M RAY, YOUR CADDIE FOR THE

DAY.

I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE

MYSELF.

>> Jon: GREAT TO MEET YOU, RAY.

>> UH, SO, WHENEVER YOU'RE

READY, I'LL MEET YOU AT THE

FIRST TEE.

>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S OVER TO THE

LEFT?

>> NO, NO.

IT'S JUST PAST THE CLUBHOUSE TO

THE RIGHT.

>> Jon: TO THE RIGHT.

THAT'S -- THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M STILL GETTING USED TO THIS

PLACE.

SORRY.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

TOOK ME ABOUT A MONTH TO FIGURE

OUT WHERE THE MEN'S ROOM IS.

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO INTRODUCE

MYSELF.

ROSS BENNETT.

I'M THE CLUB PRO.

>> Jon: OH, HEY, GOOD TO MEET

YOU.

I GOT A FEELING YOU AND I ARE

GONNA GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER

VERY WELL, 'CAUSE I NEED HELP

WITH MY SLICE.

>> I CAN DEFINITELY HELP CURE

YOUR SLICE.

WHAT I CAN'T DO IS TEACH YOU HOW

TO SWIM.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> I'VE BEEN TALKING WITH SOME

OF THE OTHER CLUB MEMBERS.

AND APPARENTLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE

AREN'T TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THE

SHADING OF YOUR SKI MASK.

>> Jon: EXCUSE ME?

>> I JUST THINK WE'D ALL BE A

LITTLE BIT HAPPIER IF YOU

SWITCHED TO A MASK THAT WAS...

I DON'T KNOW, PERHAPS A LITTLE

BIT LIGHTER IN COLOR.

>> Jon: YEAH, I DON'T THINK I

CATCH YOUR MEANING.

>> OH, I THINK YOU DO.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT

CHANGING THAT MASK BEFORE THE

BIG TOURNAMENT NEXT WEEKEND.

IT'D BE A SHAME IF MY DRIVER

ACCIDENTALLY SLIPPED OUT OF MY

HANDS AND HIT YOU IN THE HEAD.

>> Jon: YEAH, IT'D BE A SHAME IF

MY DRIVER SLIPPED OUT OF MY

PENIS AND HIT YOU IN THE HANDS.

[ SIGHS ]

>> Mike: YOU REALLY SCREWED UP

THAT INSULT.

>> Jon: I WAS FLUSTERED, MIKE,

'CAUSE I HAD SOME THUG IN MY

FACE WHILE MY BODYGUARD JUST

STOOD THERE.

>> WHY WOULD YOUR PENIS --

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW, MIKE.

I'M UPSET, OKAY?

I MEANT TO SAY THAT, YOU KNOW,

MY DRIVER SLIPS OUT OF MY PENIS.

BUT, UH, WHATEVER.

RIGHT NOW I GOT TO USE THE

BATHROOM.

THAT IS PRIORITY NUMBER ONE.

HELLO.

>> Mike: JON.

JON.

JON!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> WHOA! WHOA!

>> Jon: WHOA.

OH, MY -- YOU OKAY, MAN?

>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

>> Jon: YOU GOT A REAL DEFECTIVE

CART HERE.

>> YOU SAW, BILL.

DRIVING MISS DAISY HERE JUST RAN

OVER MY CLUBS.

>> Jon: BACK IT UP, JACK.

>> Mike: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

>> Jon: THAT'S 24-HOUR

PROTECTION.

>> Mike: LET'S GO.

>> Jon: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

WHERE'S THE MEN'S ROOM?

>> FINISH OUT YOUR ROUND, JON.

>> Jon: IS THERE A BATHROOM ON

THE COURSE?

>> I'M SURE YOU'LL MAKE DO.

>> Jon: I WILL MAKE DO.

I'LL MAKE DO WITH YOU.

HEY, RAY.

>> HEY, JON.

THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO

IRON OFF THE TEE -- SHORT

FAIRWAY.

>> Jon: YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY,

UH -- I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD.

I'M, UH...I'M GONNA CALL IT AN

EARLY DAY TODAY.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> Jon: YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED.

>> LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO COME TO

A MEETING WITH ME TONIGHT.

THERE'S SOME PEOPLE I WANT YOU

TO MEET.

>> Jon: OKAY.

>> WHAT'S WITH THE WHITE BOY

WITH THE SKI MASK?

>> I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

ABOUT THIS WHITE BOY.

JUST THIS AFTERNOON, THIS WHITE

BOY DID ONE OF THE BLACKEST

THINGS I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.

HE STOOD UP TO THE WHITE MAN.

WHEN CONFRONTED ABOUT THE

BLACKNESS OF HIS MASK AND ASKED

TO CHANGE THE COLOR TO SOMETHING

OF A LIGHTER PERSUASION, THIS

WHITE BOY SAID NO.

WHEN TOLD HE SHOULD RECONSIDER,

LEST HE BE MET WITH PHYSICAL

HARM, THIS WHITE BOY STOOD HIS

GROUND, WHICH IS WHY I AM

PROPOSING THAT, AS OF TODAY,

THIS WHITE BOY BE KNOWN TO BLACK

CADDIES EVERYWHERE AS AN

HONORARY BLACK MAN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: THANK YOU, RAY.

THANK YOU, GUYS.

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DOWN.

THANK YOU.

[ RATTLING ]

YEAH, HOW DO YOU -- HOW DO YOU

GUYS DO THIS DOOR?

OH, IT WAS OPEN. I GOT IT.

SEE YOU, GUYS.

>> [ Distorted ] SUSAN, PLEASE,

I BEG YOU TO RECONSIDER.

>> [ Distorted ] IT'S TOO LATE,

JON.

NOW, GO GET THE DOCTOR.

I WANT MY VOICE BACK.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> AND WE'RE CUT.

ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS WONDERFUL,

GUYS.

LET'S RESET FOR SINGLES.

>> THAT WAS A GREAT TAKE.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH. IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> COOL.

IT FELT REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

>> YEAH.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

THESE VOICE CHIPS ARE AMAZING.

>> I KNOW.

CAN I GET A COFFEE?

>> FELT PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

>> Susan: YEAH. IT WAS GREAT.

IT WAS REALLY GREAT.

AND I KNOW WE CAN GET THIS IN

ADR, BUT I THINK JON NEEDS TO BE

A LITTLE BIT MORE OF A JERK.

YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY GOT TO

COME ACROSS LIKE A TOTAL

SCUMBAG.

>> David: YEAH.

>> Susan: YEAH.

>> Jon: HEY, GUYS.

>> David: HEY, DAD.

>> Susan: HI.

>> Jon: GETTING SOME GOOD TAKES

IN THERE?

>> WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

CAN WE LOCK UP THE SET, PLEASE?

>> Susan: NO, IT'S FINE.

HE'S HERE TO PICK UP DAVID FOR

THE WEEKEND.

BUT HE COULD HAVE WAITED

OUTSIDE, LIKE I ASKED HIM TO.

>> [ Normal voice ] OH, GOD, I'D

GO INSANE IF I HAD TO WEAR THIS

THING ALL THE TIME.

NO WONDER HE'S SUCH A DICK.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Susan: OH, NO. NO, NO.

DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD. NO.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, BY ALL MEANS,

DON'T FEEL BAD CALLING ME A...

DICK IN FRONT OF MY SON.

DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT AT

ALL.

YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY BEEN GIVEN A

VERY ONE-SIDED PICTURE OF ME,

AND THAT'S FINE.

BUT THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY

STORY.

ON ONE SIDE, YOU'VE GOT THE

JILTED WIFE, WHO IS SCARED AND

BAILED OUT ON HER HUSBAND IN HIS

GREATEST TIME OF NEED AND LET

STRANGE MEN CALL HER EX-HUSBAND

A DICK IN FRONT OF HER SON.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY IS

THAT I'M AN HONORARY BLACK MAN

WHO'S WAY TOO PROUD AND

CONFIDENT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, SO

NO PROBLEM.

>> Susan: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> Jon: WE'RE GONNA HEAD OUT.

>> David: BYE, MOM.

>> Susan: BYE, SWEETIE.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.

>> Jon: HE WILL HAVE A GREAT

WEEKEND, THANK YOU.

>> David: DAD, WHAT WAS ALL THAT

HONORARY BLACK MAN STUFF YOU

WERE TALKING ABOUT?

>> Jon: WELL, I'M AN HONORARY

BLACK MAN NOW, AND THAT MAKES

YOU HALF HONORARY BLACK, AND I

WANT YOU TO TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE

IN THAT.

OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Susan: THAT'S GOOD.

>> TRAGEDY TODAY AS THE DIRECTOR

OF A MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE ABOUT A

WOMAN IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM WAS ACCIDENTALLY KILLED

ON SET.

>> [ Distorted ] I HEARD TWO

GUNSHOTS, AND I THOUGHT THEY

WERE PART OF THE MOVIE, AND THEN

STEVE JUST WENT DOWN.

IT WAS REALLY CONFUSING.

OH, I FORGOT I HAD THIS ON.

[ Normal voice ] THIS IS HIS

VOICE-CHIP THING.

IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY COOL.

CHECK IT OUT.

[ Distorted ] AHH.

>> THE MIRMINSKY CRIME FAMILY

HAS TAKEN CREDIT FOR THE MURDER,

ISSUING THIS STATEMENT -- "WE

WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE

MURDER OF THE DIRECTOR OF THIS

MOVIE.

WE WEREN'T EVEN TRYING TO KILL

HIM.

WE WERE TRYING TO KILL JON, WHO

WE NOW UNDERSTAND WAS AN ACTOR

PORTRAYING JON.

IT WAS A CRAZY MIX-UP WORTHY OF

ITS OWN HOLLYWOOD MOVIE, WHICH,

I GUESS, IT ALREADY IS, SO NEVER

MIND.

IN ANY CASE, WE FOUND OUT THAT

THE REAL JON IS PLAYING AT SOME

GOLF TOURNAMENT, SO WE'LL GO

LOOK FOR HIM THERE."

A TRAD--

>> Jon: OH, BOY. [ SIGHS ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED?

YOU TEE OFF IN 30 MINUTES.

>> Jon: NO, I'M NOT PLAYING.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> Jon: I'M QUITTING, OKAY?

>> MAN, THAT'S THE WORST THING

YOU COULD DO.

THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO

RIGHT NOW IS TO REMAIN A MEMBER

AND WIN THE TOURNAMENT AS AN

HONORARY BLACK MAN.

>> Jon: MNH-MNH. NOPE.

>> David: YEAH, DAD.

RAY'S RIGHT.

IF YOU QUIT NOW, THEN THE WHOLE

HONORARY BLACK PRIDE SPEECH YOU

GAVE ME AND MOM AND EVERYONE AT

THE SET WILL BE MEANINGLESS.

COME ON, DAD.

LET'S GO GIVE THESE WHITEYS A

HALF-HONORARY BLACK EYE.

>> Jon: OKAY, I'M IN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: THIS IS FOR

FREDERICK DOUGLASS.

OH! COME ON, JON!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * YOU USED TO BE WHITE,

BUT NOW YOU'RE HONORARY BLACK *

* WHEN BIGOTRY'S TAKING FLIGHT

* YOU GOT TO GET RIGHT BACK ON

TRACK *

>> Jon: THIS IS FOR ROSA PARKS!

THIS IS FOR JACKIE ROBINSON.

OH!

THURGOOD MARSHALL.

VANESSA WILLIAMS.

THE O'JAYS.

DON CHEADLE.

THIS IS FOR CECIL FIELDER.

>> * HONORARY BLACK PRIDE

* FIGHTIN' FOR WHAT'S INSIDE

* YOU GOT TO LEAVE IT ALL OUT ON

THE LINKS *

* THAT'S WHAT SHE THINKS

>> David: YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT A

COINCIDENCE THAT THE BALLS ARE

WHITE, YOU KNOW?

PUT THEM ON A PEDESTAL.

WE ADVANCE THE WHITE BALLS.

>> OKAY.

>> David: THINK ABOUT IT.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ RUSTLING ]

>> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Jon: IT'S OKAY.

I CAN'T SLEEP.

I'M JUST GONNA WATCH TV.

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ON

TELEVISION ]

>> YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE,

SUSAN -- A BIG MISTAKE.

>> THE ONLY ONE MAKING A MISTAKE

IS YOU, JON.

I'M HAPPY WITH MY LIFE, NOW THAT

IT'S A LIFE UNMASKED.

>> YEAH, WELL, I'M HAPPY, TOO!

I'M VERY HAPPY, ACTUALLY!

I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND.

I WORK IN A COPY SHOP.

I'M AN HONORARY BLACK MAN!

MY LIFE IS GREAT!

[ Sadly ] MY LIFE IS GREAT.

>> Jon: [ SOBS ]

>> [ SOBS ]

SUSAN, SUSAN, SUSAN...

[ SOBBING ]

>> Jon: [ SOBBING ]

>> HONEY, JUST COME BACK TO BED.

>> Jon: OKAY.

[ CRYING ]

>> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Jon: I'M CRYING.

>> WHY?

>> Jon: 'CAUSE MY LIFE IS BEING

PORTRAYED ON TV IN AN

UNFLATTERING LIGHT.