Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY

SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY, ON

"DELOCATED"...

AH, NOT BAD, RIGHT?

>> Mike: YOU LOOK GOOD.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Jon: GOT TO SAY...

NO BETTER WAY...

TO SPEND THE DAY.

JUST A COUPLE GOOD BUDS,

CRACKIN' A COUPLE COLD BREWS,

GETTIN' INVOLVED WITH SOME

GAMES.

>> Mike: GAME TIME IS ALWAYS

FINE.

>> Jon: MM-HMM.

>> Mike: OKAY, HERE WE GO.

>> Jon: LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

>> Mike: "MEATUS."

>> Jon: UH, WHAT IS MEATUS?

>> Mike: MEATUS IS AN ANATOMICAL

TERM.

IT REFERS TO ANY NATURAL BODY

OPENING OR CANAL.

FOR INSTANCE, THE OPENING OF THE

URETHRA.

IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE HOLE ON THE

TIP OF YOUR PENIS.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, UH, I GUESS

YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY

DAY.

AND TODAY, THAT NEW SOMETHING IS

WHAT THE HOLE ON MY "HUH" IS

CALLED.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Mike: SO, I WANTED TO SAY

SOMETHING, AND I HOPE IT DOESN'T

COME ACROSS WEIRD OR ANYTHING.

>> Jon: WHOA. SERIOUS ALERT.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Mike: WELL, EVER SINCE SUSAN

LEFT YOU, I FEEL LIKE IT'S GIVEN

US A CHANCE TO DO STUFF LIKE

THIS, AND I FEEL LIKE WE'VE

BECOME PRETTY GOOD FRIENDS.

AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S -- IT'S --

IT'S REALLY COOL.

AND I KNOW IT'S MY JOB TO

PROTECT YOU, BUT I JUST WANTED

YOU TO KNOW THAT IF I EVER HAVE

TO TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU, IT'S

NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO.

IT'S BECAUSE I WANT TO.

AND EVERYTHING THAT I JUST SAID

TO YOU, I ALSO WROTE IN A

LETTER TO WEAVER'S GREAT PALS

CEREAL.

I'M TRYING TO GET US ON THE BOX.

>> Jon: UM...

MIKE, I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE PUTTING

ME IN A WEIRD SPOT HERE.

I FEEL LIKE I GOT NO CHOICE BUT

TO FIRE YOU AS MY FEDERAL AGENT.

SO I CAN HIRE YOU AS MY

FULL-TIME FRIEND!

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, BUDDY! FRIEND FIVE!

TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL, MIKE.

"FRIENDSHIP" ON THREE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> Both: FRIENDSHIP!

>> YEAH, I'LL HAVE THE LOX,

SCRAMBLED, WHEAT TOAST, DRY,

AND FRESH-SQUEEZED GRAPEFRUIT

JUICE.

THANK YOU.

SO, AS I WAS SAYING, WE ARE

DOING A REALITY SHOW ABOUT THE

MAN YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL.

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> Yvgeny: YOU SHOULD DO A

REALITY SHOW ABOUT ME.

I AM A COMEDIAN.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

>> Yvgeny: YEAH.

>> AN YOU'RE A COMEDIAN?

>> Yvgeny: YEAH.

>> Jon: HEY, THERE HE IS.

>> JONNY.

>> Jon: MY MAN.

>> SO, HOW'S THE SHOW GOING?

>> Jon: OH, IT'S GREAT.

I'M STILL HERE, SO, UH...

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WHERE'S MIKE?

>> Jon: OH, MIKE RESIGNED.

WE ARE GONNA FOCUS ON OUR

FRIENDSHIP A LITTLE BIT MORE.

AND THAT'S DANNY, MY NEW AGENT.

>> HEY, PLEASURE.

>> Jon: YEAH, DON'T HOLD YOUR

BREATH.

NOT A LOT OF SMILES FROM, UH,

THE SMILE MACHINE OVER HERE.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> ANYWAY, IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD

MENTION FEDERAL AGENTS

RESIGNING, BECAUSE SUSAN'S AGENT

JUST RESIGNED SO HE CAN

OFFICIALLY BE HER BOYFRIEND.

>> Jon: [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

>> SHE'S ALSO OFFICIALLY FILING

FOR DIVORCE.

>> Jon: [ GROANS LOUDLY ]

>> THE GOOD NEWS IS, THE FELINE

AIDS THE VET THOUGHT MY CAT

HAD -- IT'S JUST DIABETES.

>> Jon: THAT IS GREAT NEWS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Jon: SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

TOO BAD FOR ME THAT MY WIFE IS

LEAVING ME TO [BLEEP] SOME DUDE.

BUT, HEY, MAN, GLAD YOUR CAT'S

GONNA BE OKAY.

PSYCHED!

SO GOOD.

SUPER NEWS, BUDDY.

GREAT SEEING YOU.

>> Mike: HEY, BUDDY.

>> Jon: HEY, MIKE.

>> Mike: HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?

>> Jon: GOOD, MAN.

HOW YOU DOING?

>> Mike: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

FRIEND FIVE.

>> Jon: FRIEND FIVE.

>> Mike: FRIEND FIST.

>> Jon: FRIEND FIST.

>> Mike: A NEW ONE.

>> Jon: THAT'S GOOD, MAN.

>> Mike: HEY, I NEED A COUPLE

COPIES OF THAT.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU GOT IT.

>> Mike: AND, UH...

I WAS KIND OF HOPING FOR THE

FRIEND DISCOUNT.

>> Jon: OH, UH...

YEAH, I-I CAN'T.

>> Mike: CAN'T? OR YOU WON'T?

>> Jon: COME ON, MIKE.

>> OH, MY GOD! IT'S YVGENY!

HI! OH, MY GOSH! IT'S YVGENY!

>> Yvgeny: OH, THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

THANK YOU.

>> SO, PEOPLE ARE ALREADY

RESPONDING VERY WELL TO

"DELOCATED," BUT THEY REALLY

RESPOND TO YVGENY.

HERE HE IS SIGNING A WOMAN'S

TITS.

AND HERE HE IS SIGNING A WOMAN'S

VAGINA.

>> OH, MY GOSH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> WOW.

>> Jon: OH, CAPTAIN HOOK.

HEY, UH, CAN YOU SWING BY LATER

AND HELP ME TAKE MY A/C OUT OF

THE WINDOW?

GLASS.

>> Mike: UH, TOMORROW WOULD BE

BETTER.

TODAY'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR ME.

>> Jon: TOMORROW, THEN, GOOD?

>> Mike: YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,

I'LL TELL YOU...

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE DANNY HELP

YOU OUT.

>> THE POINT IS, NO ONE'S ASKING

JON TO SIGN THEIR VAGINA.

SO I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IT'S

TIME TO START THINKING ABOUT A

SPIN-OFF.

WE FOLLOW HIM AROUND AS HE TRIES

TO BE A NEW YORK COMEDIAN.

OF COURSE, HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE

AN ASSASSIN, AND THAT JUST GIVES

US MORE DONG FOR OUR BUCK.

>> DON'T YOU MEAN MORE BANG FOR

OUR BUCK?

>> NO, I DON'T.

>> Jon: MISS LLOYD.

>> SEE YOU TOMORROW.

KEEP WORKING ON THOSE IDEAS.

HEY, JON.

>> Jon: HI. HOW ARE YOU?

>> GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

>> Jon: I'M GOOD.

>> GOOD.

>> Jon: UH, WHERE'S DAVID?

>> OH, DAVID WAS ALREADY PICKED

UP BY YOUR OTHER SECRET SERVICE

AGENT.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, UM...

NO, IT'S GOOD. THANKS A LOT.

>> NO PROBLEM.

WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

>> Jon: THIS IS DANNY.

>> HI, DANNY. HOW ARE YOU?

>> Jon: THAT SON OF A BITCH.

I SEE HOW THINGS ARE UNFOLDING.

>> David: "A."

>> Mike: NICE PLAY.

FRIEND FIVE.

>> David: OH, HEY, DAD.

I LEARNED THIS NEW WORD.

UM, IT'S, UH --

HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE IT?

>> Mike: MEATUS.

>> David: I LEARNED WHAT A

MEATUS IS.

>> Jon: I WANT YOU TO GET ICE

CREAM WITH DANNY NOW.

LET'S GO!

>> Mike: GOOD CALL.

GIVE US BUDS A CHANCE TO KICK

BACK AND CRACK OPEN A COUPLE

COLD ONES, HUH?

FRIEND FIVE.

HEY, IS SOMETHING WRONG,

KEEM-BRO-SABE?

>> Jon: YOU DON'T WORK FOR ME

ANYMORE.

YOU CAN'T JUST PICK UP MY SON

AT SCHOOL WITHOUT TELLING ME.

>> Mike: I KNEW YOU WERE BUSY,

BRO, SO I THOUGHT I'D PULL YOU A

SOLID, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, HUH, WHAT ARE FRIENDS

FOR?

HEY, TAKE IT EASY, HOT SHOT.

>> Jon: YOU'RE A TERRIBLE

FRIEND, MIKE.

YOU GOT NO IDEA WHAT THAT

CEREAL IS ABOUT.

>> Mike: LOOK, MAN --

>> Jon: YOU ARE FIRED AS MY

FRIEND.

AND YOU'RE HIRED AS MY UNFRIEND.

GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT.

>> Mike: OHH.

>> Jon: YEAH, "OHH."

>> Mike: OKAY.

>> Jon: GET YOUR KNEES IN THE

BREEZE, JACK.

>> Mike: MAN!

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

>> Jon: NOW I GOT TO CLEAN UP

YOUR MESS?

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

OH, LOOK. THAT'S PERFECT.

THAT'S JUST GREAT.

>> Jon: MAN, I STILL CAN'T

BELIEVE MIKE TURNED OUT TO BE

SUCH A TERRIBLE FRIEND.

>> WELL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT THAT WITH ME.

>> Jon: YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

[ SCOFFS ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> THAT'S ON AN ALL-NEW

"JEWISH GHOST."

AND COMING UP NEXT, IF YOU LIKE

"DELOCATED," THEN YOU'RE GONNA

LOVE OUR BRAND-NEW SHOW ABOUT

THE GUY WHO'S TRYING TO KILL

THE GUY ON "DELOCATED."

AND TONIGHT'S PREMIERE

EPISODE -- IT'S ALL LIVE!

>> Jon: WHAT?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A

FAMILY FROM THEIR SMALL-TOWN

EXISTENCE IN THE WITNESS

PROTECTION PROGRAM...

MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY

SHOW...

>> Yvgeny: AND THEN GIVE ANOTHER

REALITY SHOW TO THE GUY WHO'S

TRYING TO KILL THAT FAMILY

WHILE AT THE SAME TIME TRYING

TO BECOME A SUCCESSFUL NEW YORK

STAND-UP COMEDIAN?

HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO

"YVGENY!"

TONIGHT AND EVERY NIGHT...

>> Jon: UH, IS THAT MY HALLWAY?

>> Yvgeny: ...PLAY ALL THE BIG

COMEDY CLUBS IN NEW YORK CITY

TRYING TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL

COMEDIAN...

WHILE ALSO, AT THE SAME TIME, I

WILL TRY TO KILL JON.

OH, LOOK.

I WONDER WHO LIVES HERE.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL

IS GOING ON, DANNY?

>> JUST A MINUTE.

[ DOOR BUSTS OPEN ]

>> Yvgeny: SORRY, JON, BUT

TONIGHT, "DELOCATED" GETS

CANCELED!

[ GUNSHOTS ]

LET'S GO!

>> Jon: MIKE, ARE YOU OKAY?!

>> Yvgeny: COME ON.

I HAVE A SET AT THE IMPROV.

>> Jon: MIKE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> Mike: I'M FINE.

>> Jon: OH, GOD, DANNY.

OH, BOY.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> IS JON AND MIKE HERE?

>> Mike: WHO ARE YOU?

>> WHOA, WHOA.

>> Mike: WHO ARE YOU?!

>> I'M FROM WEAVER'S CEREAL.

>> Mike: THIS IS WHY I CAME HERE

TONIGHT -- THE LETTER I WROTE

WEAVER'S.

WE GOT THE BOX.

>> Jon: SERIOUSLY?

"DEAR MIKE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR

SUBMISSION."

>> Mike: LOOK, JON, I WANT TO BE

BY YOUR SIDE AGAIN AS AN AGENT

FIRST AND A FRIEND SECOND.

>> Jon: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

>> Mike: WHAT ABOUT THE CEREAL?

>> Jon: I GOT AN IDEA.

COME HERE.

YEAH, LET'S DO THIS.

JUST GET A COUPLE SHOTS HERE.

>> OKAY, YOU GUYS READY?

ONE, TWO, THREE.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> SWEETIE! BREAKFAST IS READY!

>> Jon: HERE IT IS.

COME ON, KID. HURRY UP.

GET THERE. RUN.

YEAH! ALL RIGHT!

>> Mike: HA HA!

>> Jon: THERE WE GO!

>> Mike: FORMAL FIVE!

>> Jon: FORMAL FIVE! WHOO!

>> * IT IS SUCH A GOOD NIGHT TO

KISS *

* IT IS SUCH A GOOD NIGHT TO

DANCE *

* IT IS SUCH A GOOD NIGHT TO

SCOOBY-DEE-DOO-BEE-DOO *

* SCOOBY-DEE-DOO-BEE-DOO