Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY

SHOW?

>> DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO *

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY, ON

"DELOCATED"...

* I WANT TO BE A PART OF

NEW YORK CITY *

WHAT THE [BLEEP]

WHY ELSE WOULD I PUT MY FAMILY

ON CAMERA AND RISK THEM BEING

MURDERED IF I WASN'T IN A SWEET

LOFT?

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT WORTH IT.

>> Susan: [ Distorted ] I'M

TAKING DAVID TO A HOTEL.

I NEED TO FIGURE SOME STUFF OUT.

>> Yvgeny: [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> Jon: IT'S ABOUT TIME.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> HEY, MIKE. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOW'S THE SECRET SERVICE

TREATING YOU?

HEY, IT'S AMERICA'S NEWEST

REALITY-TV STAR!

>> Jon: HEY, IT'S AMERICA'S

BIGGEST ASSHOLE.

>> WHOA, J-

>> Jon: SHUT UP.

YOU SENT THE CAMERA CREW TO

COVER THE GUY TRYING TO KILL ME?

ARE YOU INSANE?

>> Mike: YVGENY MIRMINSKY --

MEMBER OF THE MIRMINSKY CRIME

FAMILY.

>> WELL, HE'S NOT A TRAINED

KILLER, AS YOU MIGHT HAVE

GUESSED FROM THE PAUL RUDD

FIASCO.

[ SILENCED GUNSHOTS ]

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD.

PAUL RUDD IS DEAD? AAH!

>> JON, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT HAPPY

ABOUT THIS, BUT I DON'T REALLY

KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

PART OF YOUR LIFE IS THAT THE

RUSSIAN MOB WANTS YOU DEAD.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, NOT

COVER THAT?

THAT WOULD BE LIKE DOING A

REALITY SHOW ABOUT...

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND NOT

SHOWING HIS, UH...

BEAUTIFUL BODY.

>> Jon: SUSAN?

SUSAN.

HEY, I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.

>> Susan: OH, WOW.

HOW'D YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

>> Susan: OH, JON, THIS IS

CHRIS, THE AGENT THEY ASSIGNED

TO DAVID AND ME.

>> Jon: HEY.

GREAT TO MEET YOU.

>> HOW YOU DOING?

>> Jon: DAVID. [ CHUCKLES ]

>> David: HI, DAD.

>> Jon: I LOVE HIS OUTFIT.

WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?

>> Susan: IT'S A PHASE.

>> Jon: OHH, WHAT'S GOING ON

HERE?

>> Susan: OH. YEAH, OKAY. OKAY.

>> Jon: I DIDN'T THINK WE WERE

ALLOWED TO ALTER THE MASKS.

YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

SO, WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S, UH...

>> Susan: WELL, I, UM, I JUST

WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT, UM,

DAVID AND I ARE GOING TO REMOVE

OUR SKI MASKS AND OUR VOCAL

HARMONIZERS FOR HIS BAR MITZVAH

THIS WEEKEND.

>> Jon: UH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

>> Susan: DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS END OF DISCUSSION.

>> Jon: THERE IS NO DISCUSSION

ABOUT THIS 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT

TAKING THEM OFF.

>> Susan: THEN WE'RE IN

AGREEMENT.

I WILL SEE YOU SATURDAY.

>> Jon: WE ARE NOT IN AGREEMENT.

THIS IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

SUSAN! ABSOLU--

>> Mike: SEE YOU AT THE BAR

MITZVAH!

>> Jon: "SEE YOU AT THE BAR

MITZVAH"?

>> Mike: WHAT, DID I SAY IT

WRONG?

>> Jon: WELL, YOU SAID IT RIGHT,

MIKE.

HOW ABOUT "YOU KNOW WHAT, SUSAN,

JON IS RIGHT -- THAT IS A

TERRIBLE IDEA BECAUSE YOU'LL BE

MURDERED ALONG WITH YOUR SON"...

INSTEAD OF "SEE YOU AT THE BAR

MITZVAH!"

>> WELL...

[ SPITS ]

...YOU KNOW, DAVID'S BAR MITZVAH

IS OBVIOUSLY NOT HAPPENING UNDER

THE BEST CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT I'M

STILL EXCITED.

>> Mike: WELL, YOU SHOULD BE.

IT'S A BIG DAY.

>> Jon: NO, I KNOW.

IT'S JUST THE ONE THING I'M NOT

HAPPY ABOUT IS THAT, YOU KNOW,

HE'S GOING THROUGH A BIG SKA

PHASE RIGHT NOW.

[ SKA MUSIC PLAYING ]

AND INSTEAD OF CALLING IT HIS

BAR MITZVAH, HE INSISTS

EVERYONE CALL IT HIS

"SKA MITZVAH."

[ SPITS ]

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SKINNY

TIE?

>> Mike: I LOVE SKA.

>> Jon: REALLY?

>> Mike: YEAH.

A LOT OF US SECRET SERVICE GUYS

ARE INTO IT, ACTUALLY,

ESPECIALLY CHRIS.

>> Jon: WHO'S CHRIS?

>> Mike: YOU KNOW...

YOUR WIFE'S AGENT.

>> Jon: GREAT TO MEET YOU.

>> Mike: MORSE SKA-CODA IS

MOSTLY GUYS FROM SKAPOLEON,

BECAUSE SKAPOLEON BROKE UP.

>> HEY, GUYS. GET YOU A

CAB?

>> Jon: UH, WHERE'S JAY?

>> WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME.

MY NAME IS JAY. I'M THE DOORMAN.

>> OH, JAY QUIT.

>> Jon: WHY?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Jon: UH, OH, WELL, I'M JON.

>> OH, HEY. I'M JAY.

>> Jon: YOUR NAME IS ALSO JAY.

>> YES.

>> BUT YOU'RE ALL SET UP IN 1H.

>> David: IS THAT A FAKE

MUSTACHE?

>> Jon: DAVID!

IS THAT A FAKE MUSTACHE?

>> NO.

>> Jon: UH, OKAY, THEN.

NICE TO MEET YOU. YEP.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

HEY, MIKE, THIS IS MY MOM AND

DAD.

>> DOES IT -- HOW DOES IT STAY

ON?

>> Jon: I'M GOING TO CHECK ON

DAVID.

HE'S NERVOUS.

>> SO YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT

IT FALLING OFF DURING THE

SERVICE?

>> WE'LL TALK LATER.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

>> Susan: OKAY.

>> Jon: WOW. ACTUALLY DID IT.

WHAT A HUGE MISTAKE.

>> Susan: [ Normal voice ] JON,

DO NOT -- AND I MEAN DO NOT --

RUIN TODAY FOR DAVID.

>> Jon: NO PROBLEM.

>> Susan: YEAH?

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> Susan: OKAY.

>> Jon: GREAT.

>> Susan: GOOD.

>> Jon: MM-HMM.

>> Susan: MIKE.

>> David: [ Normal voice ]

WHATEVER.

RELIGION'S ALL, LIKE,

HOCUS-POCUS, ANYWAY.

OKAY, SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK.

OKAY, BYE.

>> Jon: WHO'S THAT?

>> David: MY GIRLFRIEND.

>> Jon: OHH!

NEW YORK GIRLFRIEND ALREADY.

NICE!

>> David: YEAH, SHE'S IN

BARBA-DOS WITH HER FAMILY, SO

SHE CAN'T MAKE IT.

>> Jon: YOU MEAN BAR-BAY-DOS.

>> David: NO, NO, I THINK IT'S

BAR-BIH-DOS.

>> Jon: HMM, BARBADOS.

>> David: RIHANNA PRONOUNCES IT

"BARBA-DOS," AND SHE'S FROM

BARBA-DOS.

>> Jon: YOU MEAN REE-ANNA...

>> David: NO, IT'S "RIHANNA."

>> Jon: ...WHO'S FROM BARBADOS.

>> David: NO, IT'S BARBA-DOS.

IT'S NOT --

>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S BARBADOS.

LOOK, SON, I KNOW THINGS ARE

WEIRD RIGHT NOW.

BUT I'M STILL YOUR DAD, AND I

WANT YOU TO PUT THE MASK ON.

>> David: DAD, I DON'T THINK GOD

WOULD WANT ME TO WEAR A SKI MASK

WHILE I BECOME A MAN.

>> Jon: I SEE.

GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU TO WEAR THE

MASK.

>> David: YEAH.

>> Jon: IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE

TELLING ME?

WELL, YOU'RE ON THE PHONE WITH A

GIRLFRIEND YOU'RE TRYING TO

IMPRESS BY SAYING, "AH,

RELIGION'S ALL HOCUS-POCUS,"

'CAUSE YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH

HER.

I GUESS GOD IS OKAY WITH THE

WHOLE SKA-THEMED BAR MITZVAH,

BUT THE MASK IS TOO MUCH FOR

GOD.

[ SIGHS ] AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,

I GUESS EVERY SURVIVING MEMBER

OF THE HOLOCAUST GOT NO PROBLEM

WITH THE SKA-THEMED BAR MITZVAH,

RIGHT?

ALTHOUGH, WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M SORRY.

I GUESS TODAY WE GOT TO CALL IT

THE "SKA-LOCAUST."

THINK ABOUT THE MASK, PLEASE.

>> Susan: GOOD.

>> Jon: WELL, IT'S HARD, YOU

KNOW.

MY WIFE'S AGENT, CHRIS, IS INTO

SKA?

>> Mike: YEAH, "RUDE CHRIS."

>> David: RELIGION'S ALL, LIKE,

HOCUS-POCUS, ANYWAY.

>> Mike: RUDE CHRIS.

RUDE CHRIS.

>> David: [ SINGING IN HEBREW ]

>> All: * AMEN

[ SKA MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT!

* I AM HAVING A GOOD TIME

* I AM HAVING A GOOD TI-IME

>> David: DAD.

>> Jon: * OOH, DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE,

DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE *

>> David: IT'S EMBARRASSING,

DAD.

>> Jon: WHAT A BABY.

>> Susan: DIDN'T DAVID DO A

GREAT JOB?

I'M SO PROUD OF HIM.

>> Jon: HE WAS TERRIFIC, AND

IT'S TOO BAD HE WAS NOT WEARING

HIS MASK.

>> Susan: OKAY.

JON, TAKE TODAY OFF.

YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME, ALL RIGHT?

>> Jon: OKAY, I'M WAVING THE

WHITE FLAG THAT HAS BLACK

CHECKERS ON IT, ALSO.

>> I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M HEARING

FROM YOU.

>> SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT I GOT

TO RUN.

GREAT PARTY. GREAT.

>> THANKS FOR COMING.

>> Jon: YEAH, THANK YOU.

>> Susan: [ Distorted ] THIS IS

CHRIS, THE AGENT THEY ASSIGNED

TO DAVID AND ME.

>> Mike: ROCK-STEADY CHRIS.

>> Jon: * I AM HAVING A GOOD

TIME *

>> David: IT'S EMBARRASSING,

DAD.

>> Susan: [ Normal voice ] WE

JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU

SO MUCH FOR COMING, ESPECIALLY

TO OUR OUT-OF-TOWN GUESTS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BUT MAINLY TO DAVID, WHO DID SO

GREAT TODAY, I JUST WANTED TO

SAY "SKAZEL TOV" ON YOUR

SKA MITZVAH.

YAY!

[ APPLAUSE ]

OH, AND ALSO, THERE'S LOTS AND

LOTS OF "SKATZAH BALL" SOUP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, AND, OH, AND LOTS OF

POTATO "SKATKES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH, SO, ANYWAY, EAT UP AND

ENJOY.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

OH, DID YOU WANT TO SAY

SOMETHING?

>> Jon: UH, YES, YES, EAT UP AND

ENJOY.

THIS IS ALL ABOUT DAVID.

LET'S CELEBRATE.

UM, REALLY QUICK, I DO HAVE TO

THANK RICK AND EVERYBODY AT

COPY TOWN.

THEY SPONSORED THE WHOLE EVENT.

COPY TOWN COPY SHOP -- FROM BAR

MITZVAHS TO BRISSES, YOU'LL SAY,

"OY VE, NOW, THAT'S QUALITY."

UM, BEFORE I GET AHEAD OF

MYSELF HERE, I JUST WANT TO

CLEAR UP IN CASE -- I'VE GOT

SOME UNFAMILIAR FACES, TO ME AT

LEAST, OUT HERE.

I'M DAVID'S DAD. MY NAME IS JON.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE NO

ONE OUT THERE THINKS THERE WAS A

BANK "SKA-BER" RUNNING AROUND.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ COUGHS ]

>> Jon: OH, COME ON.

BANK SKABER.

BANK ROBBER, BANK SKABER.

ROBBER, SKA, SKABER.

EASILY THE MOST CREATIVE AND

LEAST OBVIOUS SKA PUN OF THE

NIGHT GETS NOTHING.

I SEE. OKAY.

I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DO THIS IN

THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T EVEN BE

THINKING OF SKA PUNS, WASTING MY

TIME WITH IT, IF DAVID HADN'T

DECIDED TO DISGRACE GOD WITH

A SKA-THEMED BAR MITZVAH.

IT WAS HIS FIRST DECISION AS A

MAN, AND I DECIDED TO GO WITH

IT.

AND LET'S JUST HOPE HIS

DECISIONS GET A LITTLE BETTER

FROM HERE.

OH, ALSO, I THOUGHT OF A PRETTY

GOOD KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE TODAY THAT

I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE.

YOU GUYS CAN TELL IT AT SCHOOL

LATER.

HERE IT GOES.

"KNOCK KNOCK."

"WHO'S THERE?"

"THE FEDERAL AGENT."

"THE FEDERAL AGENT WHO?"

"THE FEDERAL AGENT WHO IS

OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO PLANT HIS

BONE IN MY WIFE'S FRONT YARD."

SO OBVIOUS.

IT'S LIKE EVERY TIME I LOOK,

IT'S LIKE -- OH, REALLY?

YOU CAN'T BE, LIKE, A LITTLE

MORE SUBTLE ABOUT IT?

JUST --

[ FEEDBACK ]

HEY, GIVE ME THE MICROPHONE

BACK.

>> Mike: JON, LET'S GO.

>> Jon: GIVE ME THE MICROPHONE.

OR DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A GANG

BANG WITH ALL YOUR SKA BUDDIES

WITH MY WIFE AT THE SKA CLUB?

>> Mike: SORRY, EVERYBODY.

>> Jon: MOVE.

>> Mike: UH, SKAZEL TOV.

>> GET SOME AIR.

>> Jon: WHAT? GET SOME AIR?

GET SOME SKA. HOW'S THAT?

>> Susan: PUT SOME MUSIC ON.

JUST -- THERE'S MORE DANCING.

UM, THANKS.

>> Jon: HEY, DON'T FORGET I PAID

FOR THIS, TOO.

I PAID FOR EVERYTHING THAT

YOU'RE EATING, AND I PAID FOR

EVERYTHING THAT YOU'RE GONNA GO

TO THE BATHROOM LATER.

WHEN THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR

BODY, I PAID FOR THAT.

YOU'LL THANK ME FOR IT WHEN

YOU'RE WIPING YOUR ASS.

DON'T PUSH ME. YOU PROTECT ME.

DID YOU FORGET THERE'S A RUSSIAN

GUY OUT THERE RIGHT NOW TRYING

TO KILL ME?

>> PLEASE GIVE A BIG ROUND OF

APPLAUSE TO YVGENY MIRMINSKY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Yvgeny: SO, UH, GAS PRICES

KEEP GOING UP AND UP.

IT'S CRAZY.

I DON'T REALLY CARE.

I'M JUST GLAD THAT CARS DON'T

RUN ON VODKA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: * I AM HAVING A GOOD

TIME *

* I AM HAVING A GOOD TI-IME

>> David: DAD.

>> Jon: * OOH, DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE,

DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE *