All language subtitles for Boston Legal - 4x10 - Green Christmas.en

Previously on 'Boston Legal'

Melvin Palmer, how are you?

I'm grand, actually

but I go by Alan Shore.

You're a hoot, that's what.

We have an expression
in Texas. You're all hat,

and no cattle.

I know I've seen your face.
I don't know your real identity,

but I know you've only been
Lorraine Weller since 1997.

I owned and operated a brothel.

After being arrested, I reached
a deal with the authorities

whereby I would not be prosecuted
if I agreed to disappear.

Jerry, would you like
to get a drink with me?

And we all know what's supposed
to happen on the third date

after two wonderful dates?

- You've really never kissed a woman?
- Not a real one.

Oh, thank you, god.

I don't want to be let out.
Just let her in.

Would you be riding
on the elevator with us?

Think you can handle it, Denny?

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Scotch and eggnog?

No thank you.

What's with all the guns here Denny,
if you don't mind my asking?

Coast Guard Auxiliary.

I'm serving my country.
It's fantastic.

Getting reacquainted with weaponry

Wanna join?

Actually Denny,
I do serve my country.

Which is one of the reasons
I'm here.

In fact I joined the board of Green People
to save this country as well as the planet.

Denny, this is a little awkward.

Green People hired Crane, Poole
and Schmidt on my recommendation,

and the only reason I made
that recommendation was

because you told me your firm
was extremely green.

Yeah. So?

Well, it's not. Not really.

What are you talking about?
We have all this,

uh, curly-cue light bulbs.

Yeah. Well, there are major areas
where this firm is not green.

You have no solar panels,
no carpool policies.

I discovered you recently threw away
your old computers

- which contain hazardous waste.
- Oh, Walt.

And which will probably
wind up in a landfill.

Meanwhile Green People is paying your firm
legal fees in the six figures every year.

Bottom line, Denny.

Get green or I'll recommend
we hire another law firm.

Walt.

May I say something?

Okay.

I love the environment.
I really do.

And every day I kiss the ground I walk on.

As do many others because
I am after all... Denny Crane.

- Oh, God.
- What's this? You got a tick?

Denny.
I take this cause seriously.

I'm committing the rest of my life to it.

I told you it was important for our law firm
to be environmentally conscience.

You're wearing blinking antlers
for God's sakes!

Walt, it's Christmas!

It's the time of year to embrace giving
and getting and waste and gluttony

and all the things that make God
and this country great!

- Don't be such a girl.
- Now I'm getting angry.

So am I!

Frankly, I hope this planet survives.
I really do.

But I am getting sick of you smug,
hybrid driving socialists

telling the rest of us how to live
our lives! I'm rich, okay?

Like to guzzle a little gas now and then.

I keep my thermostat at 72
during the winter.

I prefer night games in football.

And I am fed up with you globalwarming
wusses raining on my electric parade!

You can be such an arrogant,
ignorant, ass!

So can you!

Good news! It's paint.
Bad news. It's not biodegradable.

Nobody comes into my office
and ruins my Christmas

with a load of 'Save the Planet' atheist,
communist crap!

Off you go now.

Boston Legal
4x10. Green Christmas

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ORIGINAL AIR DATE ON ABC: 2007/12/18

Aah! These things happen.

An argument between two old friends.
You'd understand if you had any.

These things happen?

You often fire on him
with a paintball gun?

Am I the only one who's getting
a little sick of these greenies?

If they had their way we'd be
living in caves like terrorists.

Where's Shirley, by the way?

- I prefer her reprimanding me.
- Shirley's in Atlanta at a conference,

ironically, on environmental law.

Denny, this greenie is suing us for fraud.

He claims you misrepresented us as
being an environmentally conscience firm.

Oh, send them some Joan Baez tapes
tied together with hemp rope.
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No, they're asking for all the money
they've ever paid us in legal fees.

That's in the millions. Plus three
times that in punitive damages.

Denny!

Denny, the bigger problem is
now that...

all corporations are going green.

We could be shunned
if we're perceived as not to be.

That means no more business
from anybody.

Whatever.

Clarence.

You've been staring at my pencil cup
for about thirty seconds.

Is there something wrong?

I'm too embarrassed to even say.

Just tell me.

I lost my house.

- What?
- The bank foreclosed.

- Were you not making payments?
- I was.

But...

But what? What happened?

The interest rates just kept exploding.

I bought about three years ago.
I didn't have to put anything down.

- You got an adjustable rate.
- Yes.

And at first I could make the increases.

And then they went up thirty percent.

And then they went up again.

I'm still paying off student loans
from law school.

These increases have wiped out
my savings and...

I missed the last two months.

- I feel like such an idiot.
- And they're foreclosing?

I can't get the bank to even talk to me.

- They're not taking your house.
- They're within their rights.

I don't care.
They're not taking your house.

It's Christmas.

I can't, Denny.
I have a meeting with Clarence.

I don't want Sack defending me.

He won the last time.

Exactly. He'll expect me to be grateful.

The bank is trying to take Clarence's
house away. I told him I'd help.

And as for you, I thought you'd
agreed to stop shooting people.

- He's an environmentalist.
- Even so.

You were hoping to get called on
Shirley's carpet again, weren't you?

- That's what this was about.
- No, no. I really wanted to shoot him.

Alan?

Your best defense here,
Denny, is remorse. Contrition.

You need to look past the fact that
he's an environmentalist

and see him as the terrible golfer you've
always loved to beat and apologize.

Come on, Clarence.

He shot him with a gun?

Paintball. He does that.

And now he's being sued?

You know I've learned,
when looking for you,

it's best not to check your office or your desk
where you might actually be doing some work.

Yeah, yeah. What do you need?

Clients. They seem like nice clients,
need you.

They're in the reception waiting.

Can't you get somebody else?

Fine.

Nice suit.

Katie. You'll be joining me in defense
of the firm and Denny Crane

whose legacy continues
to grow yet more colorful.

My office please.

Well, it seems the paintball assassin is now...

Jerry what's wrong?

- I got dumped.
- I'm sorry?

It's a 'Dear John' letter from Leigh.
She's leaving me for an iPhone.

Well, first of all,
and it goes without saying,

Denny is very sorry for
shooting the paintball gun.

Well, that's interesting, because until now
it has gone without saying.

Girl.

Denny. What do you have to say?

I'm sorry.

No, you're not, Denny.

And the truth is I don't really care.

Not about the paintball.

But I do care about the environment.

And it's embarrassing to me as
a board member of Green People

to look around this office and see it
lit up like a nuclear power plant.

Wasteful Christmas decorations.

You make no effort
whatsoever to conserve energy.

And this at a time when carbon dioxide
is poisoning the planet.

Glaciers are melting.

Is it overzealous on my part?

Maybe. It's all the take...

Dammit! Something keeps hitting me
in the face and it hurts.

Why don't we take a break and
let cooler heads prevail?

Denny!

You're shooting me!

Ah, it's an air gun.
Don't be such a girl.

Obnoxious...

- Okay!
- Sick!

Second amendment.

He was attacking me.
I have a right to defend myself.

Don't I?

Nobody is more devastated
about this than I am.

Yes. / I personally executed
Mr. Bell's mortgage agreement.

I take enormous pride in being able
to help people buy homes.

I was extremely gratified to
be able to help Mr. Bell buy his.

And I am deeply saddened
for him to be losing it.

Yes. Is it any consolation that
you're the one taking it?

I wanted this to work.

We gave Mr. Bell a no-money-down
interest-only-two-year-arm at two percent!

It was a fantastic opportunity.

Mr. Chernack, I'm in a bit of a rush so
if you don't mind I'd like to cut the crap.

As much as you desperately
want the best for Clarence

it seems you've done him the very worst.

You facilitated his buying a house
he ultimately couldn't afford.

You then continued to raise his rates.

What was once two percent is now
twelve with a balloon payment coming due,

and in the end it seems the bank gets
all the money and the house.

And instead of the best,
Clarence gets nothing.

I take offense to that.

This man wanted the property
and I made it happen for him.

Oh, my goodness.
Let's hear it for Mr. Chernack,

this year's MVP in the predator
lending department!

I'm sorry.
Is there a problem?

Oh, no, don't be silly.

Just celebrating
Mr. Chernack's success

with this sub-prime mortgage scam
you're currently offering.

And, you are?

Alan Shore representing a scamee.

May we go to my office?

Unless you're serving drinks with
your apology and refinancing offer

I think we can settle this in court.

Oh, I think before you get there
you'll want to do your discovery

which attorneys typically do.

And you'll find Mr. Shore that this sub-prime
debacle isn't just victimizing individuals,

but lending institutions as well.

In fact, over a hundred and sixty major
lenders have been put out of business.

Many others, including us are
simply trying to survive.

Our stock prices have gone down 95%.

Twenty percent of the mortgages
we hold are past due.

The bulk of the others haven't had
their rates reset yet.

And in the next two years,
it figures to get worse.

But hey, go ahead and sue us.

That's what we need. For a lawyer like you
to come in and slap us around a little.

Now what?

I don't know. We could sue, but,
like he said, they've lost money too.

It's not something they wanted
to have happen.

It's always the government.
Come on, Alan.

This is a Liberal's wet dream.

You get to jump up and scream
for more regulations.

Yeah.

Well, I've scheduled a settlement
conference with the bank's lawyer.

We'll see what happens.

What about your case?
What's happening there?

Trial. We'll win.

Deep down people
hate the environment.

I'm not sure that's true, Denny.

Actions speak louder than words.
Never mind what we say.

Consider what we do.

It might occasion a discussion
of your actions.

Is it time for your annual CAT scan?

Very funny.

Seriously, Denny. Is it time?

There are these new PET scans
which are more definitive.

I'm gonna make an appointment.

Well, well! Alan Shore!
How the heck are you my good buddy?

I'm fine. Thank you.

A bit surprised, perhaps, to discover
we're buddies, but other than that...

Atta boy! You're still a hoot,
that's what you are.

Melvin Palmer.
How are you, my friend?

Homeless.

Well we're gonna see
what we can do about that,

that's what we're gonna do.

Do you know what I like?

I like to eliminate "adversary" from
the adversarial process, that's what I like.

Oh, dear. / There is no reason
this can't be a win-win.

I mean, we're not the Japanese,
now are we?

No. But I can see you're a racist
in addition to being my good buddy.

You're a hoot, that's what you are.

Come on, let's all go work this out.

Find a way for my friend Clarence
to be home for the holidays.

He gets worse.

Jerry, it's very difficult for me to work at my desk
knowing you're curled up under yours.

I'm fine.

Have you seen those iPhones?
They're very sexy.

Jerry, get up from
under your desk, please.

- I'm fine.
- Jerry, please! Get up!

Not to mitigate the tragedy which
was once your great love,

but Leigh is... well, I believe
the American term, a total nut job.

I'm quite sympathetic to
the condition of objectaphilia,

but if your girlfriend cheats on you with
a clock radio and runs off with an iPhone

she is bonkers and
you'd best be done with her.

So stop your whinging and get on with it,
would you please?

Either that or go outfit yourself
with a nappy.

Bloody hell.

Make sure he goes through the weapons
detector as you go into the courthouse.

I heard that.

Carl. I was in your office at six o'clock.

- You were a no show.
- I got a little tied up with Denny.

Would you like that?

Let's try eleven o'clock today.

What's happening?

I haven't the slightest idea.

It's a summons, but with no indication
as to my fate.

I don't like that it's happening without Shirley.

- Jerry.
- Oh, shut up.

- Okay.
- Leigh dumped him.

For the clock radio?

iPhone.

They are sexy.

Here's what I'm trying to do, Clarence.

I'm trying to get inside your head.
It's what I like to do.

You see, I find the best way to help
people with their problem is

to experience
where they're coming from.

That suit you okay, my friend?

Fine.

Okay, now, when Mr. Chernack
explained this loan...

He didn't really explain it.

Well, you went to law school.

Are you telling me that you signed a legal
document without understanding it?

Was it your client's intent
to take advantage of him

when it turned out he didn't, Mr. Palmer?

I'm sorry. Melvin.
I keep forgetting we're buddies.

- You know what you are?
- A hoot.

With a capital H, that's what you are.

Now Clarence, you did understand terms
like 'float', and 'balloon', and 'piggyback', and...

Hell, sounds like a birthday party.
That's what that does.

But you did understand that your adjustable
rate floated with the prime, didn't you?

I certainly had no idea the prime
would go through the roof.

Well, nor did the bank.

And nobody expected the housing
market to take a dive.

I mean we all got caught with our pants
down on that one, didn't we, Al?

I do my best work with my pants down.

But then again, I'm the hoot.

With a capital H,
that's what you are. Yeah.

Please sit.

Well... Lorraine.

I did a little survey with the firm.

Between the hundred and seventy-two attorneys
currently practicing law at Crane, Poole and Schmidt,

we've managed to rack up convictions in

domestic violence, possession of
marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy,

malicious destruction of property, DUI's, reckless
driving and failure to file income tax returns.

That doesn't even include Denny.

You, on the other hand, haven't been
convicted of anything.

You also seem to have led a rather
model life over the past eight years

setting aside your extra curricular
activities in elevators.

Bottom line, you survive for now.

Mainly because Shirley likes you.

And Denny has a particular
fondness in his... heart.

If this prior career should take
on a public relations life,

we may have to revisit the situation.

But for now...

Thank you.

That's all.

Okay Jerry.
Why are you under my desk?

I just came in to be alone.

Would you like me to leave?

He flies around in a private jet.
He drives a tank.

This is Crane of Crane,
Poole and Schmidt.

The firm does very little
to be truly green.

And he told me they did a lot.

Well, this is fraud.

So you've known Denny Crane a long time.

You knew he flew in private jets
and so forth.

True. But he told me that he was
starting to make sacrifices.

More importantly he told me
the firm was green. It's not.

Fraud.

First of all, I'm an enormous admirer
of your organization, Green People.

- I think you're all to be congratulated.
- Well, thank you.

I do notice, however,
the beverage your counsel's drinking.

Do you know sir,
that the bottled water industry

uses more than one point five million barrels
of crude oil to manufacture their plastic?

I know that we use oil to make products.
I do live in this century.

They happen to use a lot of oil.

Enough to fuel a hundred thousand
cars for a year.

They also use vast amounts of fossil fuels
to distribute their product.

What's worst is less than twenty-five percent
of these bottles are actually recycled.

The rest end up in land fills or the ocean.

It's not really green at all
to be drinking bottled water.

I'm not about to ask people to go green
at the expense of their own health.

Oh, actually, it doesn't serve their health.

Scientists say that bottled water is
no better for you than tap.

In fact it could be worse.
The EPA standards are looser,

and in some cases the bacterial count
is almost double.

This is not a referendum on water.

I beg your pardon.
Do you eat meat?

I only ask because studies
show eating meat

contributes more to greenhouse
gases than driving a car.

Denny says you two often have
rib-eyes together. Is that true?

First,

I don't believe that eating meat is worse
for the environment than driving a car.

It is.

Contaminated runoff from slaughter houses
is a major source of water pollution.

Livestock itself contributes eighteen
percent of greenhouse gases just from,

pardon me, farting.

That's more than all the trains, planes
and automobiles put together.

Do you eat meat, sir?

I'm not sitting here saying people
need to go vegan.

But Denny Crane's firm is
assaulting the environment.

I mean the man drives ah,
an outrageous gas guzzling mon...

- What do you drive, may I ask?
- I drive a hybrid.

Oh, dear. / Oh, what.
You're telling me that's bad too?

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but hybrid batteries contain nickel

that is mined and smelted in a plant
in Sudbury, Ontario.

A plant that has caused so much
environmental damage and acid rain

that NASA uses the so-called dead-zone
around the plant to test its moon rovers.

I think a board member of
Green People might know that.

That nickel then has to be shipped off via
massive containers to a refinery in Europe,

then off to China to be made into nickel foam
then to Japan to be manufactured,

then finally all the way back to America!

All that, just to put a single
hybrid battery into a car.

When you combine all the energy it takes
to build and drive a hybrid it

adds up to almost fifty percent more than
it does to build and drive a Hummer.

They also save on fuel.

In terms of money perhaps,

but because they do, studies
show people are driving more.

Hybrids might result in
more fuel consumption than gas cars.

I imagine you do know that?

- No?
- I love it.

Sorry.

My point is you can blame us
all you want, my friend.

But nobody saw this coming.

Even Alan Greenspan was saying there
were no bubbles in the housing market.

Is Alan Greenspan your good buddy too?

I hear he can be quite the hoot.

Al, I really don't need you
to make fun of me.

No! You don't.

The simple fact is this was
a negotiable contract. He's a lawyer.

Those are two facts actually.

What happened to the sub-prime
was unforeseeable.

What happened to the housing
market was unforeseeable.

When do we get to the win-win
part of this meeting?

This man was never lied to.
He made a deal.

Now he doesn't like it because
it turned out to be a bad deal.

So what? He just stops
making his payments?

It seems to me he deserves
to lose the house.

You think you can sue and win, Al,

even though he flat out
breached a contract?

I'm asking myself, "What kind of
a lawyer would think that?"

That's what I ask.
But then I remember,

you're not so much a lawyer
as you are a gigantic hoot.

Am I right?

I may not be much of a lawyer Mr. Palmer
but I can see the obvious.

Foreclose on Mr. Bell's house
and your client will be left holding an asset

he can't sell and a loan that
will never be paid off.

Over the next eighteen months two million
of these teaser mortgages are going to expire.

And a trillion dollars' worth of loans
are going to be called in

as interest rates keep taking up and
property values keep slipping down.

That trillion dollars' worth of debt is going
to be secured by houses worth a fraction of that.

Keep throwing people out on the street,
taking their homes instead of their money

and you'll be left with a stock price of zero
and a public that's out for blood.

Not mine, or his but yours and...

yours.

You can smell it in the air.
Anger and chaos.

If Shakespeare were alive today
he might say,

"First thing.
Let's kill all the bankers."

Tell me, Melvin, what exactly do you
plan to trade on in that courtroom?

Your witless grin and home-style cookin'?

Or perhaps the bank industry's
stellar reputation.

The FBI has already
claimed mortgage fraud

as the fastest growing
white-collar crime in America.

In some cites even drug dealers have
turned to mortgage lending.

Profits are high.
Death rate is low.

Until, of course,
people start shooting the suits.

I may not know much about law

but even a gigantic hoot like me knows
cases always come down to emotion.

Who do you think the jury's heart
will go out to on this one?

I've got a man who's lost his home
and his entire life's savings.

You've got a bank.

These images here are basically
microscopic plaques of debris,

tangles of nerve endings
containing a protein called tau.

Up to now, we've only be able to view
these kind of tissue tangles in autopsies.

So, what are you saying?
I'm dead?

No. I'm just saying with the latest
PET scan developments

we are now seeing things
we never thought possible.

It's beyond innovation.
This is really the cutting edge.

Look. Just tell me
what all this crap means.

Well, you have MCI.
But that doesn't mean...

I've got AT&T. I know my phone service.
I'm not that far gone.

No. MCI stands for
Mild Cognitive Impairment.

And this debris here
represents signs of MCI.

Did I not just tell him I have AT&T?

So, is this Alzheimers?

Could be the early stages.
Nothing definitive.

Sometimes MCI is a transition stage
between normal aging and Alzheimer's.

Other times it's just normal aging.

We see this in about twenty-nine percent
of people under eight-five.

Of those people roughly twelve percent
progress to Alzheimer's each year.

Do I look like Rainman?
Just crunch the numbers for me!

Well...

In about six years eighty percent
have Alzheimer's.

So, let me understand
what we have here.

I have an eighty percent chance of
getting Alzheimer's in six years?

Yes.

If it's any consolation at all,

you're seventy-five. You drink.
You smoke.

You probably won't live that long.

Denny Crane wasn't honest.

He told Walter Bonner that Crane, Poole
and Schmidt was a green firm.

It wasn't. I don't know about you,

but I'm a little sick of the wide-spread practice of
the tell-the-customer-what-he-wants-to hear,

whatever-it-takes-to-get-the-account mentality.

It's fraud!
They're not green.

It's bait and switch.
It's wrong.

These people need to be held accountable
for their lies and deception.

You have to help hold them accountable.

Even if my client eats meat and
I drink bottled water.

It's hard to know what the hell is
good for the environment these days.

One minute we're being told,

"Eat farmed salmon
to spare the wild stocks."

While another study says,

"That may be the worst thing
we can do for the wild salmon."

There's a new study out that says

people contribute more to greenhouse gas
emissions by walking than by driving.

Because the increased energy
it takes to walk

makes people eat more which causes
the proliferation of slaughter houses.

Ridiculous? It could be.

Everyone talks about ethanol.

Well, it turns out, to fill one SUV
with pure ethanol

would require four hundred
and fifty pounds of corn.

Or roughly the amount of calories
to feed a person for a year.

That's just one tank full.

We've heard how hybrid cars may
not be all they're cracked up to be.

I mean, the information can sometimes
become so contradictory it's confusing.

And as a consequence, easy to feel
overwhelmed and an utter sense of futility.

Especially when people are running
around screaming, "The end is near!"

One thing that really would be helpful is
if all the Chicken Little's

would just stop yelling,
"Doom!" and calm down.

And instead promote
a little common sense.

We're not gonna stop driving cars.

People are not going to give up meat.

Or Christmas.

Now we can stop eating farmed salmon.

We can recycle.
We can drive less.

We can use florescent light bulbs.
Little things.

Maybe if we get the message out that
the little things really make a difference,

we'll all start doing them.

But suing people for not doing enough.

This is silly, isn't it?

I wasn't listening.
Any good?

Hello, Jerry.

Busy.

Jerry?

What? Improper to make fun
of the disabled?

You're not disabled, Jerry.

You're a very abled man who happens to
have Asperser's and a few eccentric ticks,

but you're intelligent.
And you're mainstream.

And when it comes
to finding a romantic partner?

It's simply wrong for you to reduce your
playing field to people who suffer mental disorders

which Leigh Swift very much does.

With all due respect to objectaphilia,
she needs medical attention.

For God's sake, you cannot be
expected to compete with a gadget.

You need to start setting
your sights a little higher.

That would make a lovely
Valentine's movie.

But in the real world...

Real world? Women fall in love
with men who beat them.

Men fall in love with their mothers.

Love is the most inexplicable, unscientific,
irrational of all phenomena.

The only thing we know for sure is
it can happen to anyone.

It usually does.

For you to be moping around with the idea
it never will for you is simply unacceptable.

- Okay.
- Okay. Fine.

Actually I'm writing a letter to Leigh now.
To get closure.

Excellent.

I thought it best to keep it short.

But I'm wondering if it's a little too short.
May I read it to you?

Of course.

"Dear Leigh, Go to Hell.
Sincerely, Jerry."

It is a bit short.

This offer in no way represents
any admission of liability on our part.

But rather the charity that runs
through my client's heart.

- To the Christmas season itself.
- Oh, Santa.

If your client brings his
payments schedule current

we will hold off on foreclosure.

- Rejected.
- What?

This, this is a gift!

Because you're my buddy, yes.

And since no gift should go unpunished,
these are the terms.

He gets sixty days to bring his
scheduled payments current

and from there on he gets
a fixed rate at eight.

Eight! Why on earth would we...?

Because you gave him two with
the implied promise that it would fluctuate,

- but certainly not detonate.
- I'm sorry but...

Not nearly as sorry as you'll be if
you take your chances with me in court.

- My friend...
- I am not your friend.

I find the possibility of
such a friendship vile.

Your best hope, Mr. Milk, is that
the first sub-prime lawsuit is

brought against you
by a buffoon like Mr. Palmer.

You do not want the precedent set by me
because I will get you.

Search my eyes, Mr. Milk.
This is what the truth looks like.

Nine percent.

Let's split the difference.
Call it eight.

- Make the deal.
- Ah, Noris! I assure you...

Make the deal!

You have some dog doo on your shoe.

�� Out of all the reindeers you know
you're the mastermind ��

�� Said run, run Rudolph, Randolph
isn't far behind ��

Merry Christmas.

Hey, hey, hey!

- You remember Doris?
- Yes, of course. How are you?

- Fine.
- Doris is gonna sing a song later.

Fantastic!
Doris, this is Denny.

Stop it.

Alan. I don't know how to thank you.

Then why don't' we skip it?

�� Said Santa to a girl child
"What would please you most to get?" ��

�� "A little baby doll that can cry,
sleep drink and wet" ��

- Hello, Jerry.
- Lorraine! Hello!

Well! Hello!

I heard you'll be staying.
I'm very pleased.

That's very nice of you to say.
Thank you, Jerry.

Is that a mercy kiss?

A mercy kiss?
Don't be ridiculous.

That was mistletoe.

- Merry Christmas, Jerry.
- You too!

Happy holidays.

Where the hell were you?

I lost interest.
Did we win?

We did, actually, the jury found for us.

See? I told you. Deep down people
hate the environment.

That wasn't it, Denny.
But you're welcome.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Denny.

�� Maybe it's much too early in the game ��

�� Ooh, but I thought
I'd ask you just the same ��

Hello! Happy Holidays!
Hello.

Hello, Jerry.

I was wondering
if you'd like to dance?

I'd love to.

What am I? Chopped liver?

Maybe Whitney could have the next
dance? / Of course! Hello.

Welcome.

I'll be waiting right here
for you Jerryboy.

Would you like to dance, Whitney?

Okay, Clarence.
Don't you try anything.

�� New Year's Eve? ��

�� Maybe I'm crazy to suppose ��

�� I'd ever be the one you chose ��

�� Out of the thousand invitations ��

�� You received ��

Can you imagine the nerve of that doctor

telling me I wouldn't live long
enough to get Alzheimer's?

I'll make it.
You watch.

What are the odds of somebody getting
Mad Cow and Alzheimer's?

Right.

See? I feel good.

I think it's good to live life as though
it were a finite thing. Cause, it is.

I appreciate today.

And tomorrow I'll wake up,

and there'll be another day to savor.

And after it I'll go to bed
and I'll wake and there'll be another.

And another.
And another. And a...

Besides, I can reverse this MCI thing.
Any time I want.

You can?

I've ready a study.

Blood goes to your brain.
Blood goes to your penis.

But not at the same time.

So I wanna hone my mental skills?
I just cut down on the sex.

Question is, "Is it really worth it?"

I think Plato once asked that.

Don't you love Christmas?

Anything goes wrong with the world,
Christmas makes it go away.

Decorations.

Carols.

The tree.

I don't tell this to too many people,

but I once had sex with a Christmas tree.

Not a real tree.

When I was in college my parents had
one of those Christmas masquerade party things.

And ah, Diana Corlock,
I think I mentioned her to you,

she brought her slutty cousin along
and she was dressed so beautifully in a...

she had the popcorn strings
around her, and icicles,

and candy cane from both...

She was magic.

So! Up to the room.

And my mother walked in and
caught me humping a tree.

That was trouble.

And she was already mad at me for suckin' face
with the Virgin Mary under a mistletoe.

That was a tough party.

Have you bought my present yet?

Well, it's still a little early.

I know what I want.

Tell me.

Well, I saw you dancing close
with Lorraine.

A lot closer than I'll ever get,
but I've resigned myself to that.

And her perfume rubbed off on you.
I can smell it from here.

And?

Alan. Can I smell you?

- That's all you want for Christmas?
- Please.

- Better not try anything.
- I won't!

Just wanna drink you in a little.

And pretend.

Oh, my.

What's this perfume on you?

It's from one of the go-go dancers.

It's very good. Wow.

Alan.

Don't talk. It makes it harder
to pretend you're Lorraine.

Did she say what it was,
this go-go girl?

Smell all you want, Alan,
just don't talk.

May I say just one thing
since this is my gift?

What?

Merry Christmas, Denny.

Merry Christmas, my friend.

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