Original subtitles

[LAUGHING]

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, YOU'RE NOT ME.

HEY, BILLY BOY.

HOW WAS SCHOOL?

NOT GOOD.

I FEEL LIKE I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY WITH A CLAMP ON MY HEAD.

I NEED A NAP.

SHOULD WE TELL HIM HE DOES HAVE A CLAMP ON HIS HEAD?

NOW, WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?!

OH, HI, DAD.

OH, HEY, HIDEOUS GIANT SPIDER.

[SCREAMS] OW!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BED?!

OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE, DAD.

IT SEEMS I CAME DOWN WITH A CASE OF THE SPIDERPOX.

SO I THOUGHT: WHAT BETTER WAY TO GET BETTER THAN TO HAVE MY DAD

TAKE CARE OF ME?

WELL, NOW THAT I KNOW YOU'RE HERE, I'M GONNA TAKE A NICE LONG

NAP.

AAH.

OH, SORRY THAT ALL MY SORES POPPING ON YOUR SHEET.

I GOTTA GET THAT THING OUT OF MY BED WITHOUT TOUCHING IT.

BUT HOW?

THINK, BILLY.

THINK!

THINK!

THINK!

AW, GLADYS, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT.

OUR LITTLE BOY ASLEEP IN OUR BED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE TO DO WHEN HE'S LIKE THIS?

GET OUT OF MY BED, BILLY!

JUST PRECIOUS.

[MEOWS] [HISSING]

[GRUNTING] HEY, BILLY.

WHY YOU SLEEPING ON THE GROUND?

BECAUSE MY CAT HATES ME, MY DAD CAN'T LEARN TO SHARE, OH,

AND A GIANT SPIDER WHO WON'T GET OUT OF MY BED THINKS I'M HIS

DADDY.

IF YOU ARE THE SPIDER'S DADDY, DOESN'T THAT MAKE MANDY

THE SPIDER'S MOMMY?

I MEAN, YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED, RIGHT?

MARRIED?

PUDDING, YOU'RE A GENIUS!

HEY, WHAT A MINUTE, PUDDING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE SO LATE?

OH, WE LIVE OUTSIDE.

I WAS RAISED BY WOLVES.

HEY.

[SNORING] 3 A.M.

IT'S EITHER A BLOODTHIRSTY VAMPIRE OR BILLY WITH SOME

DIMWIT PLAN THAT INCLUDES ME.

PLEASE, PLEASE BE A VAMPIRE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] ALL RIGHT.

HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

MANDY, MY LOVE, WILL YOU TAKE THIS RING AND MARRY ME?

BILLY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

IT'S TIME FOR TWO PEOPLE WHO LOVES EACH OTHER TO ENTER A BOND

OF MATRIMONY.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MATRIMONY IS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.

I GOT SOME FOR LUNCH TODAY.

WHAT?

MATRIMONY AND CHEESE.

YEAH.

WELL, FIRST OFF, ROMEO, THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL RING.

IT'S A BALLOON.

NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S A RARE FUDGE SWIRLIAN GEMSTONE.

IT'S A BALLOON.

NO, IT'S NOT.

THEN OPEN YOUR FINGERS.

NO!

OPEN YOUR FINGERS OR I OPEN YOUR RIBCAGE.

NOW, YOU WANT TO CUT TO THE CHASE AND TELL ME WHAT'S GOING

ON?

[SCREAMING AND BABBLING] OK.

I NEED YOU TO MARRY ME.

THAT WAY YOU'LL BE THE GIANT SPIDER'S MOMMY.

YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM UNTIL HE'S OVER HIS SPIDERPOX AND CAN

GET OUT OF MY BED.

IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HMM?

HMM?

HMM?

BILLY, TURN AROUND.

WELL, OK.

OW!

[GRUNTING] GOOD NIGHT, BILLY.

[SNORING] AAGH!

WHAT THE?

HOW THE?

WHY THE?

SPIDERPOX.

BILLY, WAKE UP.

WHAT THE--WHAT THE--HUH?

HUH?

HUH?!

BILLY, UP HERE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME, BILLY?

[STAMMERING] [SCREAMING]

[STAMMERING] WHAT HAPPENED?!

YOU'RE A-- [SCREAMS]

BILLY, BE QUIET AND LISTEN TO ME.

I THINK I HAVE SPIDERPOX.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ME IS GETTING WORSE BY THE MINUTE.

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHERE THIS WEB IS COMING FROM.

I NEED TO FIND GRIM.

OH, SURE.

HE'S--AAH!

YOU'RE A SP-SP-SP-- OH, FORGET IT.

[WHISTLING] AND NOW BACK TO "EVERYBODY

LOVES RAINMAN."

I THINK MY WIFE HATES ME.

YEAH.

DEFINITELY HATES ME.

[LAUGHING] HUH?

HELP!

ALL THIS WEEPING IS MAKING ME HUNGRY.

I'M STARVING TO DEATH.

HA HA HA HA HA!

HMM.

LET'S SEE.

I KNOW THEY'RE BACK HERE.

AH, HERE WE GO.

I'VE BEEN SAVING YOU TWO.

A LITTLE FIBER.

A LITTLE DAIRY.

NOW WE'RE TALKING.

BOTTOMS UP.

WAIT A MINUTE.

SOMETHING'S NOT QUITE RIGHT AROUND.

WHERE IS EVERY--AH.

SINISTER SALT SUBSTITUTE.

AH, THERE WE GO.

COME TO PAPA.

HUH?

WHAT?

WHAT WAS THAT?

BILLY.

HEY!

WHAT THE--OH, NO.

[SCREAMING] MOM?

DAD?

GRIM?

CAT WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER?

BILLY, UP HERE.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

HEY, HOW COME I WASN'T INVITED TO THE BIG WEB PARTY?

BOY, I TELL YOU.

GUYS FALLS ASLEEP, AND IT'S FORGET YOU LATER.

MM-HMM.

BILLY, LISTEN TO ME.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW.

IT'S MANDY.

SHE'S-- SHE'S WHAT, GRIM?

A GREAT BIG SPIDER?

OH, HEY, MANDY.

[HISSING] [SCREAMING]

MOM, DAD, GRIM, HELP!

GO AWAY!

GO AWAY!

LEGS TOO TIRED!

CAN'T KEEP RUNNING!

HOLD ON, BILLY.

I'M COMING.

BILLY, IT'S ME.

GRIM, I THINK-- AAH!

ROLLING HEAD!

BILLY, WAIT.

[GASPING] I'M IN MY HAPPY SPACE.

I'M IN MY HAPPY SPACE.

I'M IN MY HAPPY SPACE.

BILLY, BILLY, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

MANDY HAS COME DOWN WITH SPIDERPOX.

SPIDERPOX?

BUT THAT GIANT SPIDER-- SHH.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

THE ONLY CURE IS MAGIC SPIDER VENOM FROM THE SPIDER SHE

CONTRACTED IT FROM.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE SUCH A SPIDER IS?

UH...

I COULD CHECK MY ROOM.

WHY DID I KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT?

[SCREAMING] GO, BILLY, AND SPARE US ALL FROM

AGONIZING DOOM!

[SCREAMING] WOW!

HOW'D I DO THAT?

[SCREAMS] HEY, DAD.

COME BACK TO KEEP YOUR LITTLE BOY COMPANY.

QUIET!

YOU'D DO ANYTHING FOR ME, HUH?

YEP.

YOU BET.

ANYTHING FOR YOU, DAD.

I NEED YOU TO FILL THIS CUP WITH VENOM.

WHOA.

FOR A MINUTE THERE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA ASK ME TO STOP

LOVING YOU 'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONE THING I CAN'T DO, DAD.

JUST SHUT UP AND FILL THE CUP!

OH, NO.

YOUR FANGS ARE POINTED UP.

CUPS DON'T WORK THAT WAY.

I'VE TRIED.

NO PROBLEMO, DAD.

CHECK THIS OUT.

PRETTY COOL TRICK, HUH?

ALL RIGHTY.

MILK AWAY.

EW.

EW.

EW.

THERE YOU GO, DAD.

SAY, WHAT DO YOU GOT PLANNED FOR THIS STUFF ANYWAY?

[CRASH] [PANTING]

OH, MY GOSH.

DAD, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'S LIKE THE MOM I NEVER HAD.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOM I NEVER HAD.

YES!

YES!

HUH?

WHAT?

THAT'S IT.

EAT MY HEAD LIKE A REAL MOTHER WOULD.

YES!

[GASPS] [GROANING]

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BITE HARDER TO CRACK THE EXOSKELETON,

MOMMY.

[SPITS] BILLY, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

YOU WERE A BIG, MEAN, GIANT SPIDER.

BUT FIRST THIS OTHER SPIDER WAS IN MY BED, AND THEN GRIM'S HEAD

POPPED OFF-- WHOA.

WHOA.

HOLD ON THERE, JACKSON.

JUST TELL ME.

WERE YOU INVOLVED IN ANY WAY?

WELL, YEAH.

I GUESS YOU COULD-- OK.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

WILL YOU BE MY MOMMY?

DOES A CHICKEN WEAR UNDERWEAR?

WELL...

[CLUCKING] I'D HAVE TO SAY--

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.

ALL YOU GOTS TO DO IS GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK.

UH, SURE, DAD.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

ANYTHING FOR YOU.

WOW.

BILLY, I'M IMPRESSED.

WELL, MANDY, I AM A MAN.

AND SOMETIMES A MAN MUST BE TOUGH.

TOUGH.

AND WHEN LIFE GETS TOUGH, WHAT DOES A MAN DO?

WASH IT DOWN WITH SOME LEMONADE.

[BURPS] WHAT?

I'M FINE.

UH-OH.

AH, YOU'RE AWAKE.

MOST KIDS WHO DRINK HALF A CUP OF SPIDER VENOM DON'T LIVE TO

TELL ABOUT IT, BUT THEN MOST KIDS AREN'T FRIENDS WITH THE

GRIM REAPER.

I WANT WAFFLES AND ICE CREAM.

I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS, BILLY.

IT SEEMS YOU WERE CARRYING THE SPIDERPOX VIRUS ON YOUR UNWASHED

HANDS.

SO EVERYONE YOU TOUCHED AND EVERYONE THEY TOUCHED BECAME

INFECTED.

WOW!

IT MUST HAVE TAKEN A LOT OF SPIDER VENOM TO CURE ALL THOSE

PEOPLE, HUH?

OH, NO.

YOU TOLD JEFF TO LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK.

WE COULDN'T GET ANY MORE VENOM.

WELL, HOW BAD CAN IT BE?

[GRUNTING] NICE GOING, GENIUS.

[GASPING] [SCREAMS]

GOOD MORNING, SON.

[MEOW] [SCREAMS]

OH, HELLO, BILLY.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME EGGS...

BEFORE I DEVOUR YOUR HEAD?!

[SCREAMING]

HONEY, PLEASE COME OUT OF THE

BATHROOM.

NO!

BUT IT'S BEEN 15 DAYS.

OH, IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMEONE FAMOUS WHO COULD TELL US WHAT TO

DO.

[GASPS] THE GRIM REAPER!

YOU'RE A BIG-TIME UNDERWORLD CELEBRITY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND WHEN US BIG-TIME CELEBRITIES NEED TO MAKE A BIG MOVE, WE USE

BIG MOVE LAXATIVES.

NOW WITH 30% MORE FIBERTOL.

THAT'S A LOT OF FIBERTOL.

JUST IMAGINE THIS TRAFFIC JAM IS YOU TRYING TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM.

BIG MOVE LAXATIVES GET THINGS MOVING AGAIN.

AHH.

YOU'RE LOOKING AT A NEW MONSTER.

DON'T GO IN THERE.

[LAUGHTER] NO, SERIOUSLY.

DON'T GO IN THERE.

BIG MOVE LAXATIVES.

WHEN IT'S TIME TO MAKE YOUR MOVE, MAKE IT A BIG MOVE.

NOW YOU CAN WIN A CHANCE TO SPEND A DAY WITH ME, THE FAMOUS

GRIM REAPER, COURTESY OF BIG MOVE.

JUST WRITE IN 500 WORDS OR LESS ALL THE FUN THINGS WE'D DO.

CONTEST RULES ON EACH BILL.

ENTER TODAY.

NOT BAD, EH?

YOU LOOK FAT ON TV.

THANKS.

THANKS FOR THAT.

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO WIN A DAY WITH YOU?

YOU TWO GREMLINS ARE LOOKING AT THE HOTTEST NEW SPOKESPERSON

IN THE UNDERWORLD.

YOU'RE NOT THAT EXCITING, YOU KNOW.

SAYS THE BOY HE EATS HIS BOOGERS ON TOAST.

[DOORBELL RINGS] OH, HE'S HERE!

THE CONTEST WINNER!

NOW, REMEMBER I'M A BIG-SHOT IDOL TO THIS GUY.

SO WHEN HE SEES ME, HE MAY START, WELL, YOU KNOW, SCREAMING

AND CRYING AND LOSE CONTROL OF HIS BLADDER.

SO BE READY.

[DOORBELL RINGING] YES.

[DOORBELL RINGING] YES.

YES.

[DOORBELL RINGING] HELLO.

HI, MISTER.

MY NAME IS FRED FREDBURGER.

I CAN SPELL MY NAME REAL GOOD.

F-R-E-D F-R-E-D-B-U-R...

G-E-R.

FRED FREDBURGER!

YES.

HEY, GUESS WHAT.

I CAN FIT TWO FINGERS IN MY BELLY BUTTON.

WHOA!

YES, IT IS I, THE GRIM-- LOOK!

NO NOSE!

NO NOSE!

NO NOSE!

NO NOSE!

FRED?

YES?

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

I'M WAITING FOR A BIG FAN TO ARRIVE.

I WON A CONTEST.

I WROTE THE BEST ESSAY EVER.

MY MAMA TOLD ME SO.

SEE?

WHAT'S IT SAY?

"I WANT TO EET SUM FROZUN YOGERT."

HE GETS 500 WORDS OF WISH FULFILLMENT, AND THAT'S ALL HE

PUT?

HE'S OBVIOUSLY A MAN OF SIMPLE PLEASURES.

WHOA!

VERY SIMPLE.

THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT.

YOU TWO WATCH HIM TILL I GET BACK.

THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE, RIGHT?

I'M A PROFESSIONAL CELEBRITY SQUANDERING MY TALENT ON STUFF

LIKE THIS?

I DEMAND TO SEE THE OTHER ENTRIES.

I DEMAND TO SEE THE OTHER ENTRIES.

OH!

ALL THESE PEOPLE WANTED TO SPEND THE DAY WITH ME.

I'M HAVING AN EMOTIONAL OVERFLOW.

READ A LETTER.

ANY LETTER.

WITH PLEASURE.

"I WANT TO EET SUM FROZUN YOGERT."

"I WANT TO EET SUM FROZUN YOGERT."

"FROZUN YOGERT."

"FROZUN YOGERT."

"FROZUN YOGERT."

HOW COME THESE ARE ALL THE SAME?

BECAUSE FRED FREDBURGER WROTE EVERY SINGLE ONE.

NOBODY ELSE EVEN ENTERED.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SEE THIS CHART?

YES.

THIS CHART HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

NOW, THIS CHART--THIS CHART SHOWS SALES HAVE BEEN DECLINING

EVER SINCE WE HIRED YOU.

APPARENTLY NO ONE WANTS TO BUY A PRODUCT WITH DEATH ON IT.

WHOSE DUMB IDEA WAS IT TO HIRE YOU ANYWAYS?

OH, GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE.

I'LL MAKE SURE FRED FREDBURGER HAS THE BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE.

IT'LL BE A PUBLIC-RELATIONS SUCCESS.

OH, IT HAD BETTER BE, OR ELSE WE SHALL TEACH YOU THE NEW

MEANING OF CORPORATE RESPONSIBILITY.

[GULP] I LIKE FROZEN YOGURT.

HEY, THIS FROZEN YOGURT TASTES LIKE INVISIBLE.

YOU GOTTA PICK A FLAVOR FIRST.

ANY FLAVOR YOU CHOOSE.

JUST TELL THE NICE MAN WHAT YOU WANT.

OH, BOY!

HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT BROWN ONE?

CHOCOLATE.

I LIKE CHOCOLATE.

YES.

HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT GREEN ONE?

MINT.

I LIKE MINT, MINT, MINT, MINT, MINT.

HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THE BROWN ONE?

CHOCOLATE.

I LIKE CHOCOLATE.

YES.

HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THE GREEN?

LOOK.

THE GREEN ONE IS MINT.

THE BROWN ONE IS CHOCOLATE.

GOT IT?

YES.

HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THE-- JUST GET HIM BOTH FLAVORS.

YOU WANT TOPPINGS ON THAT, SIR?

WHAT KIND OF-- ALL OF THE TOPPINGS!

AAGH!

AAH!

AAGH!

AAH!

AAGH!

AAH.

AAGH!

AAGH!

AAGH!

AAGH!

IT'S LIKE STUPID IN STEREO.

AAGH!

HERE, MANDY.

TAKE A PICTURE TO COMMEMORATE THIS EXCITING MOMENT.

ZOOM IN SO YOU SEE MY FEATURES CLEARLY.

NO.

NO.

THAT ONE DIDN'T COUNT.

HIS MOUTH WAS OPEN.

TRY AGAIN.

FRED, STOP EATING.

FRED?

YES?

YOU WANT THIS PICTURE TO BE REAL NICE, DON'T YOU?

YES.

AND YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO SHOW IT TO THE NICE PEOPLE AT THE--

LOOK AT ME, FRED.

SHOW IT TO THE NICE PEOPLE WHO ARE PAYING FOR ALL THIS, RIGHT?

MY YOGURT IS MELTING.

FORGET THE YOGURT FOR A SECOND.

NO.

WAIT TILL WE SMILE.

DANG IT, FRED.

WAIT!

OK, MANDY.

TAKE THE PICTURE.

[CRYING] WELL, NOW YOU'RE RUINING

THE-- STOP TAKING PICTURES.

AND, YOU, STOP CRYING NOW.

GIVE ME THAT SPOON.

NOW SMILE.

BIGGER!

TAKE THE PICTURE ALREADY.

YOU TOLD ME TO STOP.

I MEANT STOP WHEN WE WEREN'T READY.

BUT NOW WE'RE READY.

I WASN'T READY!

MY FACE HURTS.

NOW?

YES.

NOW.

TAKE IT.

HEY, CAN I BE IN THE PIC-- DANG IT, BILLY!

I'M GONNA TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF.

NO!

[SCREAMING] OH, NO!

YOU--MY YOGURT!

NO, FRED.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

FRED FREDBURGER!

FRED FREDBURGER!

FRED FREDBURGER!

GOOD GOING, YOGURT KILLER.

FRED, WHERE'D YOU GO?

FRED, COME OUT OF THE FREEZER.

[SCREAMING] PLEASE, FRED, THE C.E.O.s ARE

GONNA BEAT ME UP.

[SCREAMING] BILLY, MANDY, WHAT AM I GONNA

DO?

I'M DEAD MEAT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE A GOOD TIME.

GIVE ME THAT ESSAY.

OK.

BUT I DON'T SEE WHAT GOOD THIS WILL--

HERE.

OH, FRED?

HEY, FRED, LOOK.

WE HAVEN'T DONE EVERYTHING ON YOUR LIST YET, SEE.

YOU WROTE THAT YOU WANT TO GO TO SASSY CAT LAND.

I WROTE THAT?

UH-HUH.

YOU SURE DID.

RIGHT?

YEAH!

'CAUSE YOU LOVE ALL THE FUN RIDES!

AND THE SILLY CHARACTERS.

AND THE HOT DOGS AND NACHOS AND--

I LIKE NACHOS!

YES!

SEE, FRED, THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

THERE'S NOTHING MORE FUN THAN AMUSEMENT PARK RIDES.

YES.

[LAUGHING] [SCREAMING]

I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF.

HOLY MOLY!

FRED FREDBURGER!

WELL, I GUESS MY ENDORSEMENT PREMIER IS--

HISTORY.

DO YOU HEAR ME, REAPER?

FRED FREDBURGER IS HISTORY.

WELL, TECHNICALLY THEY NEVER FOUND THE BODY.

SO IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE THAT-- THIS IS FOR RUINING OUR

COMPANY, CHUCKWAD.

AND BY THE WAY, YOU'RE FIRED.

OH, WHY, MOMMY?

WHY?

[CRYING] HEY, I FOUND THIS GUY, AND

HE'S HUNGRY.

CAN HE SHARE OUR FOOD WITH US?

SURE.

WE HAVE PLENTY OF NACHOS AND FROZEN YOGURT.

DO YOU LIKE NACHOS AND FROZEN YOGURT?

YES.

MY NAME IS FRED FREDBURGER.

THAT'S A GOOD NAME.

CAN YOU SPELL IT?

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--] HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT

BROWN AND YELLOW ONE?

CHOCOLATE BANANA.

I LIKE BOTH CHOCOLATE AND BANANAS.

YES.

HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT PINK ONE?

STRAWBERRY.

HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT ORANGE ONE?

ORANGE.

MMM.

HEY, WHAT FLAVOR IS THAT GRAYISH-WHITE ONE?

I TASTE LIKE NACHOS.

YES.