Original subtitles

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]

NOW HATRED IS, BY FAR, THE

LONGEST PLEASURE.

MEN LOVE IN HASTE, BUT THEY

DETEST AT LEISURE.

COMPETITION.

[SNORING]

[HIGH-PITCHED NOTE]

SO, I'VE CUT MY NOSE PICKING

DOWN TO TWICE A DAY, AND I'VE

COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ALL 6 OF

THE STATE CAPITALS I KNEW, AND I

GOT THIS BUNNY TATTOO ON THE

BACK OF MY HEAD THAT SYMBOLIZES

MY HIP-HOP ROOTS, YEAH.

IT WASHES OFF WITH WARM WATER

AND SOAP, BUT YOU DON'T GOT TO

WORRY ABOUT THAT, 'CAUSE I NEVER

TOUCH THE STUFF.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

AM I COOL YET?

PLEA--

WINDHAM, MEADOWBERRY, COME.

WE GOTS WORK TO DO.

BILLY, SPERG AND HIS GOONS

AREN'T COOL.

THEY'RE WHAT WE, IN THE

SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY, LIKE TO

CALL JERK WADS.

NO, MANDY.

YOU ARE WRONG.

SPERG IS SUPER COOL!

[LAUGHING]

BILLY, THUGS AND BULLIES ONLY

RESPECT THUGS AND BULLIES.

MANDY, YOU'VE GIVEN ME THE

BEST IDEA IN THE WORLD!

EEH!

HAND OVER YOUR LUNCH MONEY--

PLEASE, SPERG.

ALLOWS ME.

BILLY, YOU CAME BACK TO

RESCUE ME--AAH!

YOU SEE THE WAY I BULLIED

THAT DUDE?

PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?

YOU COST ME A MARK, JELLY

ROLL.

[SUCKING]

I CAN'T WATCH!

WHA--

WHA--

YOU'RE A FREAK!

HEY, DAD.

HEY, BILLY.

DAD, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT SOMETHING.

MY BODY'S CHANGING IN A FUNNY

WAY, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S

GOING ON.

[COUGHING]

UH, WELL, UH, YOU SEE, BILLY,

UH...WHEN A BOY BECOMES, UH,

A...A MAN, HE STARTS TO GET

FURRIER AND FATTER, LIKE A

SQUIRREL IN WINTER, AND--

WHERE'D I PUT MY SODA?

OH, MAN, OK.

YOU MIGHT NOTICE THAT YOU THINK

GIRLS HAVE STARTED TO SMELL

GOOD, BUT YOU'D BE WRONG.

DON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE YOUR

OLD MAN DID.

OH, HOO!

OH.

OH, IS THAT ALL YOU WERE TALKING

ABOUT?

SWEET CREAMERY BUTTER!

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

IT'S NOT SPIT, BILLY.

IT'S ECTOPLASM.

ECTOPLASM IS A PHYSICAL

MANIFESTATION FROM THE SPIRIT

REALM.

IT SEEMS THAT BILLY IS

CHANNELING SOME SORT OF SPIRIT.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN

TO MY SON?!

[PANTING]

SO, ANYWAY, WE WON'T KNOW

WHAT KIND OF SPIRIT UNTIL IT

FULLY DEVELOPS.

BILLY COULD'VE ABSORBED THE

ECTOPLASM IN A NUMBER OF WAYS,

LIKE EATING A SUPERNATURAL

SANDWICH, MAYBE.

DID YOU DO THAT, BILLY?

DID YOU EAT A SUPERNATURAL

SANDWICH?!

DID YOU?

NO.

IT'S OK, SON.

IT'S OK.

WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS...

[SOBBING]

TOGETHER.

GET A ROOM.

[THUNDERCLAP]

SWALLOW YOUR SICKLE?

HA.

[SNORING]

[HIGH-PITCHED NOISE]

[WILD NOISES]

[YAWNING]

[CHOKING]

[BURP]

[GARGLING]

SHE WALKS IN BEAUTY

LIKE THE NIGHT

OF CLOUDLESS CLIMES

AND STARRY SKIES;

AND ALL THAT'S BEST

OF DARK AND BRIGHT

MEET IN HER ASPECT

AND HER EYES.

HELLO, MR. SPITMAN.

I'M BILLY.

I KNOW, BILLY.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONTACT YOU

FOR DAYS.

I AM LORD BYRON, THE FAMOUS 19th

CENTURY POET.

DOES THAT MEAN I'M GONNA

LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS

EPISODE?

OH, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I'M JUST HERE TO TEACH YOU HOW

TO BE COOL.

I WAS ONCE A NERD LIKE YOU.

I WAS EVEN BORN WITH A CLUBFOOT,

BUT I OVERCAME MY PROBLEMS AND

BECAME ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR,

COOL, AND REVOLUTIONARY LITERARY

FIGURES OF MY TIME.

CAN I SEE IT?

SEE WHAT?

THE CLUBFOOT THING.

I WANT TO SEE IT.

WELL, OF COURSE.

I'M REALLY NOT ASHAMED OF IT

ANYMORE.

JUST LET ME DIG AROUND FOR IT.

[GROANING]

YOU HAD THAT IN MY MOUTH?

BILLY?

I LIVED, I LOVED, I QUAFFED,

LIKE THEE:

I DIED: LET EARTH MY BONES

RESIGN;

FILL UP--THOU CANST NOT

INJURE ME;

THE WORM HATH FOULER LIPS

THAN THINE.

[LAUGHING]

FOOLED YOU, MANDY.

THAT WAS MY NEW FRIEND, LORD

BYRON, TALKING.

HELLO, LOVE.

HE'S TEACHING ME TO BE COOL.

REALLY?

I HOPE HE'LL BE PAPER TRAINING

YOU, AS WELL.

AH, VERY WITTY, YOUNG LADY,

AND THAT, BILLY, BRINGS US TO

OUR FIRST LESSON IN COOL:

USING YOUR WIT.

NO!

MY PROTRACTOR!

SOMEONE NEEDS TO TEACH THAT

PUSILLANIMOUS RAGAMUFFIN A

LESSON.

[SCREAMING]

NO, NO, BILLY.

A GENTLEMAN IS A GENTLE MAN.

WE ARE PACIFISTS BY NATURE.

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE

SWORD...

THEY SAY.

CAN I HAVE AN AX?

NO.

CROSSBOW?

NO.

A FACE PLASMA RIFLE IN A

40-WATT RANGE?

MMM...PERHAPS I SHOULD JUST

GET YOU A PEN.

I'M TWO STEPS AHEAD OF YOU,

COACHEES.

[SLURPING]

LET HER RIP.

NOW, LOOK AT THAT BRUTE.

FIND HIS WEAK SPOT.

NO, MY "22nd EDITION DUNGEON

MASTERS GUIDE!"

HIS MOM!

HIS MOM IS HIS WEAKNESS.

YOU MUST CRAFT A SCATHING

AND WITTY POEM ABOUT SPERG'S

MOTHER.

YOUR WORDS WILL BE AS 10,000

ARROWS IN HIS BUTTOCKS.

NO!

HARK! HARK!

COME HERE AND LISTEN TO MY

WORDS.

"AN ODE TO SPERG'S MUM."

A POEM ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL

MOTHER?

ROSES ARE RED,

AND VIOLETS ARE...ORANGE,

AND YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T THINK

OF WHAT RHYMES WITH ORANGE,

BUT SPERG'S MOM

IS A BIG, UGLY, STUPID,

FREAKISH GORILLA

WITH THESE, LIKE, WEBBED TOES,

AND SHE'S A BAD COOK,

AND SHE THROWS HER OWN POOP,

AND SHE'S SO ICKY AND HIDEOUSLY

UGLY THAT IF YOU LOOK AT HER,

YOUR HEAD WILL MELT.

[GROWLING]

OH, SPERGIE, HONEY, YOU LEFT

YOUR LUNCH AT HOME, SO I DROVE

DOWN HERE TO BRING IT TO YOU,

AND I JUST...

CHILDREN ARE SO CRUEL!

[CRYING]

WHAT ARE YOU CHILDREN DOING

IN MY HALLWAY?

IS THIS--

[CRYING]

WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A

TISSUE?

WELL, WELL, WELL.

I'M A POET, AND I DIDN'T EVEN

KNOW THAT I HAD THE ABILITY THAT

I MIGHT BE.

[RUMBLING]

YOU! ME!

AFTER SCHOOL AT THE FLAG POLE!

SPERG HAS CHALLENGED YOU TO A

DUEL!

YOU MUST MEET HIM AT THE FLAG

POLE.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME

TO BE AGAINST FIGHTING, LIKE

SWITZERLAND.

SWITZERLAND IS A CURSED,

SELFISH, SWINISH COUNTRY OF

BRUTES PLACED IN THE MOST

ROMANTIC REGION OF THE WORLD.

[THUNDERING, CHATTERING]

WHERE IS THAT WIMP?

I DON'T THINK HE'S GONNA

SHOW, DUDE.

THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.

[LAUGHING]

I THINK YOU OWE ME ONE

WIRELESS COMPUTER NERD OBJECT.

NO!

YOU CAN'T!

YOU CAN'T TAKE MY WIRELESS

INTERNET BRIDGE WITH 5-PORT

SWITCH!

IT'S ALL I'VE GOT!

WELL, WHO'S GONNA STOP ME?

I'M YOUR HUCKLEBERRY.

[THUNDERING]

IT'S THAT DREAMY POET BOY.

IT'S WEDGIE TIME.

I'M SCARED, LORD BYRON.

YOU MUST NOT FEAR.

FEAR IS THE MIND KILLER THAT

BRINGS TOTAL OBLITERATION.

BUT IT'S 3 ON ONE, LORD

BYRON.

NO, BILLY.

IT'S 3 ON TWO.

LOOK, BOYS, IT'S A WIENER

WITH A SISSY COMING OUT OF HIS

MOUTH.

WE'RE NOT WIENERS AND

SISSIES.

WE'RE FOPS AND DANDIES, AND

WE'RE GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT!

YAAAH!

AAH!

[SCREAMING]

[THUNDERING]

I THINK I'M GONNA BE A DORK

FOREVER, LORD BYRON.

ACCEPT YOUR NERDINESS, BILLY.

EMBRACE IT.

THAT'S REALLY HOW YOU BECOME

COOL.

WELL, NOT SO MUCH YOU, EXACTLY,

BUT SOMEONE WHO'S GOING TO BE A

FUNCTIONING MEMBER OF SOCIETY

ONE DAY.

LORD BYRON!

BILLY, WHATEVER FORCE BROUGHT

ME INTO YOUR MOUTH IS FADING.

NO! YOU CAN'T GO, LORD BYRON!

I WON'T LET YOU!

TRAINED WELL AND STRONG WITH

COOLNESS, YOU ARE, BUT NOT THAT

STRONG.

[HOWLING]

WELL, THAT OLD FOP'S GONE.

AS FOR YOU, YOU'RE SLEEPING OVER

HERE FOR NOW ON.

[SNORING]

ARGH!

I AM ATTILA THE HUN, BARBARIAN

CONQUERER.

HA HA!

I AM RASPUTIN, RUSSIA'S MAD

SORCERER AND POLITICAL ADVISOR.

I AM ABRAHAM LINCOLN, BASTION

OF HONESTY AND FAIRPLAY.

YOU AND YOU GET TEACHING.

HONESTY ABE, YOU GET THE CHIPS.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY JOB TO

GET THE CHIPS?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

GRIM, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO

TRIM MY HAIR A WEEK AGO.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN WATCHING BILLY'S

"MY TROUBLED PONY" DVD SET.

I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT!

IT'S GOT COMEDY AND DRAMA, SO

IT'S A DRAMEDY!

BUT IT'S ALSO GOT FUN AND ART,

SO IT'S A DRAMEDY FART!

[LAUGHING]

SHH!

JAVIER, I'M AFRAID I DON'T

HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT.

TOMORROW THEY'RE SENDING ME TO

THE GLUE FACTORY.

MY HAIR, GRIM.

THAT'S AN ORDER.

THERE.

NOW BEAT IT.

I'M ON THE LAST SHOW, AND I HAVE

TO KNOW HOW THE SERIES ENDS.

"MY TROUBLED PONY" WAS

CANCELLED AFTER ITS FIRST

SEASON.

THE SERIES DOESN'T HAVE AN END

BECAUSE IT WAS NEVER MADE.

HOLD ON TO ME, GUILLERMO!

I CAN'T!

I DON'T GOT NO THUMBS!

AAH!

HUH? NOOOOO!

[MAKING EXPLOSION NOISES]

WHY WOULD THEY CANCEL A GREAT

SHOW LIKE "MY TROUBLED PONY?"

IT WAS A DUMB SHOW, GRIM.

I WOULD PERSONALLY PAY TO

HAVE THE FINAL EPISODE MADE AND

MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO

ROXANNE, AND I MUST KNOW WHETHER

DAFFODIL IS ROBBY'S REAL FATHER.

GRIM, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

CARTOONS ARE EXPENSIVE.

THEY COST BAZILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

MONEY IS NO PROBLEM.

I STILL HAVE MY BIRTHDAY MONEY.

USED TO BE I CHARGED TWO GOLD

PIECES TO EVERY CHUMP WHO WANTED

TO CROSS THE RIVER STYX, BUT I

HAD TO GO SPEND IT ALL ON

LIPOSUCTION.

I HATE TO INTERRUPT YOUR

LITTLE TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE,

BUT WHAT ARE THOSE HIDEOUS

THINGS?

OH, THOSE ARE JUST SCHLUBS--

100 FAIRY FOLK WHO LIVE IN

MUSHROOM VILLAGES.

SOME WIZARDS LIKE TO MELT THEM

DOWN FOR GOLD, BUT--

GRIM, HAVE YOU MET MY NEW

FRIENDS?

THEY'RE INDIGENOUS PEOPLE OF THE

MUSHROOM PATCH.

I LOVES THEM SO MUCH!

GOLD!

WELL, I CAN ALREADY SEE WHERE

THIS IS GOING.

CALL ME IF YOU NEED A STERN

TALKING TO.

HEY, GUYS.

WAIT FOR ME!

GRIM, YOU CAN'T HUNT THE SCHLUBS

AND TURN THEM INTO GOLD.

THE SCHLUBS HAVE A RICH AND

PATRIARCHAL CULTURE.

WHO IS TEACHING YOU THESE

WORDS, BILLY?

WHY, THE SCHLUBS, OF COURSE.

JUST LISTEN.

[GRUNTING]

[HIGH-PITCHED GARBLE]

[GROWLING]

[LAUGHING]

[GARBLE]

AREN'T THEY GREAT?

I JUST LEARN SO MUCH FROM THEM

EVERY DAY.

ALLOWS ME TO INTRODUCE YOU.

THIS IS BITEY SCLUB AND KICKY

SCHLUB, ASSAULTY SCHLUB,

EYE-GOUGEY SCHLUB, NOOGIE

SCHLUB, WEDGIE SCHLUB...

DORKY SCHLUB.

BILLY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO

CHANGE MY MIND.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE

ONLY GOOD SCHLUB IS A MELTED

SCHLUB.

I'M WARNING YOU, GRIM.

WE'LL FIGHT YOU DOWN TO THE LAST

MAN.

SURPRISE!

AAH!

OK, GUYS.

DON'T PANIC.

REMEMBER OUR PLAN.

IF YOU WE ALL PLAY DEAD,

EVENTUALLY HE'LL GET BORED AND

GO AWAY.

I DO IT ALL THE TIME.

OH, NO!

I THINK I JUST FELT MY HEART

STOP!

[LAUGHING]

OK, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT WHEN

I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO MELT

YOU DOWN INTO GOLD?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO AT LEAST TRY

TO RUN AWAY?

OW! OW! OW!

OW! OW! OW!

OK! OK!

I GIVE UP.

THAT DIDN'T GO WELL.

FIRE WHEN READY.

NOT BAD, GUYS.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN AIMING JUST A

LITTLE BIT HIGHER THIS TIME,

HUH?

[GARBLING]

EEH!

OK, MILKSHAKE, REMEMBER OUR

DEAL.

YOU CHASE THE LITTLE GREEN MEN

OVER TO ME, AND I'LL MAKE SURE

BILLY CHANGES YOUR LITTER BOX

MORE THAN ONCE A YEAR.

NOW, GO!

READY, AIM--

[MEOW]

[MEOW]

[SCREAMING]

AAH!

[MEOW]

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES BEFORE IT'S

TOO LATE!

[GROWLING]

RUN, SCHLUBS!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

THAT'S RIGHT, SCHLUBS.

COME TO GRIMMY.

GOTCHA!

SOON ALL "MY TROUBLED PONY"

QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED.

I'M SO EXCITED.

I HAVEN'T USED MY NEW GUILLOTINE

SINCE I BOUGHT IT ON THE TORTURE

SHOPPING NETWORK.

YOU WON'T BE 3 APPLES HIGH WHEN

I'M DONE WITH YOU.

BILLY!

HI, GRIM!

OOH, ARE WE TRIMMING TOENAILS

TODAY?

THEY REALLY NEED IT.

PERFECT!

I WAS ALWAYS GOOD AT FINGER

PAINTING.

THIS TRICK NEVER FAILS.

[GARBLING]

AHEM.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE

COMMOTION?

IT APPEARS THAT A SECOND

FEMALE SCHLUB IS GARNERING ALL

THE ATTENTION OF THE MALE

SCHLUBS.

SO WHAT?

OH, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE

FEMALE SCHLUB.

SHE GETS VERY JEALOUS IF SHE

DETECTS ANY COMPETITION.

AND THEY MUST BATTLE TO THE

DEATH!

[GROWLING]

OOH! AAH!

[SCREAMING]

OW! OW! OUCH!

HEY, OOH!

PUNISH HER!

I JUST LOVE A GOOD CATFIGHT!

[BURPING]

[GROWLING WILDLY]

THAT'S IT!

OK, WE'RE GONNA DO THIS THE

OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

[ZAPPING]

[MANIACAL LAUGHING]

BITEY?

KICKY?

EYE-GOUGEY?

[CRYING]

WHY, GRIM?

WHY?

THIS WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD TO

DO BESIDES MY HOMEWORK.

THANKS A LOT!

GUESS I'LL JUST GO STUDY NOW!

HOO!

TIME TO COLLECT SCHLUBS.

HUH?

NO SCHLUBS?

WELL, THEY MUST BE AROUND HERE

SOMEWHERE.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

HOW COULD 100 SCHLUBS JUST

DISAPPEAR?

[HORN HONKING]

MANDY?

DON'T WORRY, BONEHEAD.

YOU STILL GOT YOUR TWO PENNIES.

MAYBE IT'LL BE JUST ENOUGH TO

FINANCE THE END OF "MY TROUBLED

PONY."

I CAN PROBABLY CUT YOU A BREAK

ON IT.

AFTER ALL, I OWN THE COMPANY.

AMAZING WHAT YOU CAN BUY WITH 99

GOLD BARS, ISN'T IT, JEEVES?

INDEED, MADAM.

WAIT, 99?

BUT THERE WERE 100 SCHLUBS.

SO THAT MEANS--

[GROWLING]

I HATE MONDAYS.

HOLD ON TO ME, GUILLERMO!

I CAN'T!

I DON'T GOT NO THUMBS!

AAH!

ESTELLA!

NOO!

[SPLASH]

SURPRISE!

HAVE SOME CANDY!

I MADE IT MYSELF!

PAY UP!

PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH

YOU.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

TURNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL