Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- [LAUGHING]

- GIVE ME A CHEESEBURGER WITH NO ONIONS,

A SMALL ORDER OF FRIES,

AND A SODA.

- ♪ AND I'LL BEAT YOU ALL

♪ TO THE AFTERLIFE

♪ AFTERLIFE

♪ AHH

- HI, BILLY.

- HEY, DAD.

WHEN DID WE GET A NEW CAR?

- OH!

RIGHT AFTER I ENTERED PHASE 3.

- OF YOUR MIDLIFE CRISIS?

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- THE MUSCLE CAR PHASE.

NEXT COMES THE TROPHY WIFE.

- WELL, LET'S FIRE THIS BABY UP.

[ENGINE REVS]

- OOH! SHE FIRES UP NICE!

- OH, YEAH.

NOW LET'S GO FOR A RIDE!

- GO FASTER!

- [SCREAMS]

- COOL, DAD!

THE MAILMAN CAUGHT THAT WITH HIS FACE!

- HEY, BILLY, TAKE A LOOK.

FUZZY 20-SIDED DICE.

- HEY, KIDS!

ARE YOU TIRED OF THAT SAME OLD WRETCHED BREAKFAST CEREAL

YOUR MOM IS FEEDING YOU?

ARE YOU TIRED OF YOUR MOM?!

WELL, THEN TRY FROSTED GOLDEN APPLE SCRAPS,

PACKED WITH RECOMMENDED DAILY DOSES OF

BARFOFLAVIN AND DILDEEN NUMBER 9!

SO, ACT NOW!

- FROSTED GOLDEN APPLE SCRAPS!

FROSTED GOLDEN APPLE SCRAPS!

- BILLY, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

WE JUST PASSED A DOUGHNUT KINGDOM

WITHOUT STOPPING FOR A CHESTNUT STAR, SON!

[HORN HONKS]

[CRASH]

- CLEANUP ON AISLE 7.

- DAD, LOOK.

THEY'RE HAVING A SALE ON BEEF TONGUES!

THEY HAVE TO BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

[GASPS]

THERE IT IS.

AND IT'S SUPER-SIZED!

- LET'S GO FOR THE REGULAR SIZED BOX, BILLY.

SUPER-SIZE MIGHT NOT FIT IN THE CAR.

- OK.

- THAT'S BETTER.

GOOD THING I HAD THAT BALL OF TWINE IN MY POCKET, BILLY,

OR WE MIGHT NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THIS THING HOME.

- I THINK I SEE A LOW BRIDGE COMING UP.

AND NOW PREPARE TO MEET YOUR CONSUMPTION!

[SCREAMS]

- [PIERCING SCREECH]

[TARZAN YELL]

- I'LL ADMIRE YOUR FANCIFUL PLUMAGE LATER, GLOWING CHICKEN.

'CAUSE RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA CRAM THIS ENTIRE BOX

OF FROSTED GOLDEN APPLE SCRAPS DOWN MY--

[SHUDDERS]

IT'S EMPTY...

JUST LIKE MY SOUL!

- HEY, BILLY,

YOU LEFT THE FRONT DOOR OPEN.

YOU KNOW THAT'S HOW FLIES CAN GET IN.

- YEAH, AND US.

HA HA HA HA HA!

AND US!

- WHAT IS WITH YOU TODAY?

- WHAT?

- TODAY...

I GOT A BOX OF FROSTED GOLDEN APPLE SCRAPS

AND...

I GOT A BOX OF FROSTED GOLDEN APPLE SCRAPS

AND...

AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET A SINGLE PIECE!

THE BIG DUMB CHICKEN ATE IT ALL.

- CHICKEN?

- [FARTS]

- HEY, THAT CHICKEN LOOKS KIND OF FAMILIAR.

YOU KNOW, HE ALMOST LOOKS LIKE A--

- [BURPS]

[SQUAWK]

- HEY! A FROSTED GOLDEN APPLE SCRAP!

- [PIERCING SCREECH]

- HEY!

GIVE ME THAT, YOU DIRTY BIRD!

MESS WITH THE BEST, EXPLODE LIKE THE--

HUH?

WHOA!

- [FARTS]

- PHEW!

- OH, YEAH, IT'S A PHOENIX.

IT'S REBORN FROM ITS OWN ASHES.

- WELL, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS.

IT'S NOT GETTING THE LAST PIECE

OF FROSTED GOLDEN APP--

- I'M GONNA WATCH SOME TV.

- GOOD IDEA.

OH, I LIKE THIS SHOW.

[E.K.G. BEEPING ON TV]

[THUD]

[GLASS BREAKS]

[BILLY GROANS]

[TV VOLUME INCREASES]

[E.K.G. FLATLINES]

HA HA HA HA HA!

THIS IS THE GOOD PART.

IT'S WHERE THEY--

[DRILL WHIRRING ON TV]

[VOLUME INCREASES]

- OOF!

- ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT!

WHERE'D THAT STUPID BIRD COME FROM ANYWAYS?!

- IT CAME FROM THE FROSTED GOLDEN APP--

- THE WHAT?!

- THE FROSTED GOLDEN APP--

IT CAME FROM THE CEREAL BOX!

- [FARTS]

- CEREAL BOX?

OH!

- WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT KIND OF BREAKFAST CEREAL

COMES WITH A PHOENIX INSIDE?

- WELL, IT SAYS HERE IT'S MADE IN ARIZONA.

- NO, IT DOESN'T.

IT SAYS IT'S MADE IN ERIS-ZONA.

- ERIS-ZONA?!

- CAN YOU BELIEVE DADDY CUT ME OFF?!

ME?! THE BEAUTIFUL, GREAT, MAJESTIC GODDESS OF CHAOS?!

I'M REALLY GONNA MISS THAT ALLOWANCE EVERY WEEK.

I EVEN HAD TO GET A DAY JOB.

NO, NOT THAT.

IT'S A CEREAL FACTORY.

AH, AT THE VERY LEAST, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO

SPREAD SOME CHAOS WITH THESE SILLY FIREBIRDS.

- PHOENIXES, M'LADY.

- QUITE, YOU!

OOH. ALL RIGHT, MOM.

I GOTTA CALL YOU BACK.

THUD!

- YES, YOUR CHAOSNESS?

- DOUBLE PRODUCTION IMMEDIATELY!

- BUT, M'LADY,

THE ELVES, THEY GROW HUNGRY.

- HEY, BOB. HOW'S IT GOING?

- EH, A LITTLE HUNGRY.

- YEAH.

- HUNGRY?!

WE'LL SEE HOW HUNGRY THEY ARE

WHEN I TAKE THEIR RED AND BLACK LICORICE AWAY!

GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!

- DON'T WORRY, BILLY.

WE'LL GET THAT DUMB BIRD OFF YOUR HEAD

EVEN IF IT TAKES, UH...

THE REST OF 11 MINUTES.

THERE'S GOTTA BE A CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK

AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

AH!

HERE WE GO.

HELLO?!

HELLO?!

HELLO--

- HOW MAY THUD PROVIDE YOU WITH EXCELLENT SERVICE?

- YEAH, WELL, WE GOT A COMPLAINT.

THIS PHOENIX FLEW OUT OF YOUR CEREAL BOX.

- THE HELP DESK IS CLOSED ON TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS.

- MANDY, WHAT DAY IS TODAY?

- WEDNESDAY.

- [INHALES]

- LOOK, GO GET ERIS.

TELL HER GRIM IS HERE TO SEE HER.

SHE KNOWS ME.

I KNOW SHE'S HERE, AND WE AIN'T LEAVING

UNTIL SHE COMES DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS, LET'S GO.

THAT WASN'T EXCELLENT SERVICE.

THAT WAS MEDIOCRE AT BEST.

NOW WE'RE NEVER GONNA GET IN TO SEE ERIS.

BILLY, WHERE YOU GOING?

LOOK!

BILLY FOUND A SECRET ENTRANCE.

- NICE WORK, BILLY.

- LET'S GO.

- GRIM, ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

- SURE, I'M SURE.

I SAW THIS IN A MOVIE ONCE.

- WHAT MOVIE?

- IT WAS THE 1939 EPIC "DRUMS ALONG THE MOHAWK."

- I DON'T REMEMBER THAT PART.

- UH, IT WAS THE DIRECTOR'S CUT.

ALL RIGHT, KEEP GOING, BILLY.

MANDY, YOU BACK THERE?

- NO.

- AGH!

SOMETHING JUST BRUSHED PAST ME LEG!

I THINK IT WAS A CANDY BAR.

[TOILET SEAT SLAMS]

[SPLASH]

- AGH!

- WAS IT SOMETHING WE SAID?

- INTRUDERS, M'LADY, IN SECTOR 7!

- OH, NOT AGAIN!

WHAT DID THEY LOOK LIKE?

- UH...

WELL, ONE'S KIND OF SHORT.

AND ONE'S GOT ON SORT OF A ROBE THINGY.

AND THEN THE OTHER ONE...

- OK, THUD, THAT'S ENOUGH.

WELL, WELL, WELL! GRIM AND FRIENDS.

WHAT A FRAGRANT SURPRISE.

- LOOK, ERIS, WE--

- WELL, IT'S BEEN A LOVELY VISIT.

WE REALLY WILL HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN SOON.

BYE, NOW.

- ERIS, YOU GOTTA GET THIS THING OFF BILLY'S HEAD.

IT'S DRIVING US CRAZY.

- WE'RE SORRY.

IF YOU'D READ THE FINE PRINT,

YOU'D SEE THAT FROSTED GOLDEN APPLE SCRAPS INCORPORATED

IS IN NO WAY ACCOUNTABLE FOR DAMAGES SUSTAINED

AS A RESULT OF ITS CEREAL PRODUCTS.

IN FACT-- - OH, COME ON, ERIS.

WE BOTH KNOW THAT'S A CROCK OF CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

- I'M SORRY, GRIM, BUT YOU KNOW HOW CHAOS WORKS.

ONCE IT'S RELEASED INTO THE UNIVERSE,

IT GROWS OUT OF CONTROL FOREVER,

AND THERE'S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO TO STOP IT.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M LATE FOR MY 3:00 BODY SCRUB.

WE CORPORATE EXECUTIVE TYPES RUN A TIGHT SHIP, YOU KNOW.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT PUTTING THE CUSTOMER FIRST?

WHAT ABOUT BILLY?

- I'M SORRY, GRIM.

IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

THUD WILL SHOW YOU TO THE DOOR.

HE'S--THUD!

THUD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

- HAVIN' SOME CEREAL.

- AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT

HAVIN' SOME CEREAL IN THE BOARDROOM?

BAD THUD!

- NO! WAIT! I--

- NO! NO!

- [GASPING]

OH, HELP!

NO. NO!

PLEASE, NO.

- HEY, ERIS.

- WHAT?

- YOU GOT A PIECE OF FOOD STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.

- NO, I DON'T.

- YOU DO NOW.

- WHAT IN THE---

- [LOUD SCREECH]

- [SCREAMS]

- WELL, THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD EPISODE.

- DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU MEAN BY "GOOD."

- YEAH!

HEY, PASS THE MILK DOWN HERE!

THANKS, THUD.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL EXCELLENT SERVICE.

[CHUCKLES]

- OK, CLASS,

ANY QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU TAKE YOUR TEST...

AND I TAKE MY NAP?

- I HAVE A QUESTION!

- WHAT, BILLY?

- YOU GOT ANY GUM?

- NO.

- MANDY, DO YOU-- - NO.

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO TAKE A TEST HERE?

- BUT THAT'S JUST IT.

I CAN'T TAKE A TEST WITHOUT GUM.

CALMS MY NERVES AND HELPS ME THINK.

ALL RIGHT, IT JUST CALMS MY NERVES.

IRWIN, YOU GOT ANY GUM?

- GUM?

WELL...

I'VE GOT A PLUMB, A DRUM,

EVEN A TINY CHUM-- NO BIGGER THAN MY THUMB.

BUT NO GUM, YO.

- WELL, THEN...

THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON LEFT TO ASK.

- NO. NO, YO!

DON'T CALL GRIM, YO.

- GRIM! - AAGH!

- [SNORING]

- THIS BETTER BE GOOD, BILLY.

- YOU GOT ANY GUM?

- YOU DRAGGED ME AWAY FROM A BUSY SCHEDULE

FOR A STICK OF GUM?

- ACTUALLY, I PREFER BALLS OF GUM!

- JUST GIVE HIM THE GUM, GRIM.

- FINE!

HERE'S A BOTTOMLESS SUPPLY

SO YOU NEVER BOTHER ME WITH THIS AGAIN.

- GREETINGS, WILLIAM.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO EXPERIENCE A REFRESHING

PIECE OF MY FLAVORFUL GUM?

- OH.

UH, YOU TALK.

- CERTAINLY! I SPEAK 42 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES,

INCLUDING DUTCH, FRENCH,

THE BINARY LANGUAGE OF MOISTURE VAPORATORS,

KLINGON, HINDI--

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH-- SEE, THE THING IS,

I WAS KIND OF HOPING FOR GUM THAT DIDN'T TALK.

- OH.

I SEE.

- IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

IT'S JUST, I DON'T LIKE MY GUM TO TALK, THAT'S ALL.

- NO, NO. THAT'S OK. I...

WELL, I'LL JUST LET MYSELF OUT.

- NO!

I STILL WANT YOU.

I JUST WANT YOU TO SHUT UP!

- OH, COME ON! REALLY?

I MEAN, I'M FUNNY! I TELL JOKES.

TWO RAISINETTES, A STICK OF LICORICE--

- GRIM. - RIGHT.

- ...DOUGHNUT HOLE WALK INTO A CANDY STORE--

- THANKS, GRIM.

- YEAH, YEAH.

JUST REMEMBER:

DON'T SWALLOW THIS GUM.

- WHY NOT?

- TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

IF I HAD SKIN, IT WOULD BE CRAWLING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

- [LAUGHING]

SAY!

THIS LOOKS LIKE AN AWESOME PLACE TO SWALLOW MY GUM.

♪ DA DA DUM, TA TUM

[SIGHS]

WHAT A GUM-SWALLOWING SENSATION!

MMM!

SWALLOW-LICIOUS!

- I THOUGHT GRIM WARNED YOU NOT TO SWALLOW THAT STUFF.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. BUT YOU KNOW GRIM.

HE'S A FEW GEESE SHORT OF A GAGGLE.

[RUMBLING]

- THEN WHY IS YOUR STOMACH RUMBLING?

- WHAT RUMBLING?

[RUMBLING]

- UH...

ARE YOU FEELING OK?

- JUST PEACHY, THANK YOU.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

- WELL, UH, WHEN YOU TALK,

THERE ARE...

- THERE ARE WHAT?

- OK, BILLY, HAND OVER THE GUM.

- NO!

IT'S MY GUM!

TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

- HE SWALLOWED IT, DIDN'T HE?

- YEP.

SO, WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM NOW?

- HE GETS AN UNIMAGINABLY HORRIBLE RASH

FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION.

- WILL HE ITCH AND SWEAT?

- YEP. THE WORKS.

HE MAY EVEN BE QUARANTINED IN HIS ROOM.

- WELL, AT LEAST HE'LL BE OUT OF OUR HAIR FOR A BIT.

LET'S LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE.

- SO, UH...

NICE DAY TO WAIT FOR A BUS, EH, LADY?

[FARTS]

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LADY?

- AAGH!

- [SNARLING INDISTINCTLY]

- [SCREAMS]

- HEY, GUYS.

NOW THAT BILLY'S GONE,

WHY DON'T WE CALL OUR SHOW

"THE GRIM ADVENTURES OF IRWIN AND MANDY"?

OK?!

- SHUT UP, IRWIN.

- NO, REALLY.

I GOT THE WHOLE PILOT EPISODE ALL WORKED OUT, OK.

IT STARTS WITH ME AND MANDY

RUNNING IN THE WOODS, SCANTILY CLAD,

FROM AN EVIL, SUPERNATURAL CLOUD...

OF BUBBLES.

OH, MY GOSH!

IT'S HAPPENING!

IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!

COME ON, MANDY!

- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE BILLY'S OUT THERE TALKING UP A STORM.

- I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS GOING TO

BREAK OUT IN AN UNIMAGINABLY HORRIBLE RASH

FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION.

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS ON THE LABEL.

ONE THING'S FOR SURE,

WE'VE GOTTA GET THAT GUM OUT OF BILLY'S STOMACH.

NOW, REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU.

ALL WE GOTTA DO IS KEEP BILLY TALKING

UNTIL HE HITS THE RASH STAGE.

- THAT SHOULD BE EASY.

HELLO, BILLY.

I THINK IT'S TIME WE HAD A LITTLE TALK.

- HUH?!

- YEAH!

COME IN. GRAB A CHAIR.

- [GRUNTS]

NOT NOW.

TOO TIRED.

GOTTA GO. BYE.

[FARTS]

- ANY OTHER BRIGHT IDEAS, GRIM?

- ACTUALLY, YES.

WHY NOT USE YOUR FEMININE WILES

TO GET HIM TO TALK.

- [GROANS]

I HATE BILLY.

- TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

- [BARKING]

- SO, UH...

BILLY...

CAN I--UGH--

GET YOU ANYTHING?

- NOPE.

- GET CLOSER TO HIM.

ASK HIM HOW HIS DAY WAS.

- [GROWLS]

SO...

HOW WAS YOUR STUPID DAY?

- STUPID FINE.

- THIS ISN'T WORKING, GRIM.

- ASK HIM PERSONAL THINGS ABOUT HIMSELF.

HIS HOPES AND DREAMS.

AND BE NICE.

- GRRR!

BILLY, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER NOW

FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE A NIGHTMARISH ETERNITY.

AND THOUGH I INSULT AND LIE TO YOU DAILY,

STEAL YOUR STUFF, MAKE FUN OF YOU, YOUR FAMILY,

AND ANYONE THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU,

I STILL DON'T FEEL LIKE I--

UGH...

KNOW YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOURSELF.

- IF I TOLD YOU, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M A VERY COMPLEX AND MULTI-LAYERED PERSON.

BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ME,

IT'S ALL HERE IN MY NEW AUTOBIOGRAPHY,

HOT OFF THE PRESSES, COMPLETE AND UNABRIDGED.

- ISN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

- NO.

- ALL RIGHT. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE.

GIVE ME THAT.

COUGH UP THE GUM, OR I'M GONNA CUT IT OUT.

SO, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

- IF YOU DO THAT, I'LL...

ER, I'LL...

I'LL--I'LL--I'LL--I'LL...

IF YOU DO THAT,

THEN I'LL EAT THE ENTIRE BOTTOMLESS GUMBALL MACHINE,

THEREBY CREATING VARIOUS FORMS OF HAVOC

AND OTHER AWKWARD SITUATIONS.

HA HA HA HA HA.

- YOU WOULDN'T DARE!

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

[LAUGHING]

[FARTS]

- GREAT.

IS HE GONNA EXPLODE OR WHAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

NO ONE'S EVER BEEN DUMB ENOUGH

TO SWALLOW THE WHOLE BOTTOMLESS SUPPLY AT ONCE.

- [LAUGHING]

I FEEL FUNNY.

AND I DON'T MEAN FUNNY HA HA.

NO, NO, NO.

FUNNY WEIRD.

[GIGGLES]

[BURPS]

- [GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

- WHAT A STROKE OF LUCK, EH, GRIM?

- YOU CALL THIS LUCK?

- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE GOT BILLY TO COUGH UP THE GUM--

LITERALLY.

- WAIT A SECOND, DUDES.

I GOT THAT FUNNY WEIRD NOT FUNNY HA HA FEELING AGAIN.

[RUMBLES]

[LAUGHING]

- DON'T WORRY, JAMES.

THESE NEW AIRPLANES PRACTICALLY LAND THEMSELVES.

AH.

NOW, WHAT DID I TELL YA.

[HORNS HONKING]

- [LAUGHING]

[GIGGLING]

- ARE YOU QUITE FINISHED?

- [LAUGHING]

YEP. I'M DONE.

- OK. GOOD.

NOW MAYBE WE CAN-- - WAIT! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

[SNORTS]

OK, I'M ALL EARS.

I'VE GOT AN UNIMAGINABLY HORRIBLE RASH

FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION!

ANYBODY GOTS ANY GUM?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] - HELLO?

- YOU GOTS ANY CALAMINE LOTION?

HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

- [LAUGHING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

- IT'S FOR YOU.

- CRUEL AND UNREASONABLE LITTLE BOY.

- [LAUGHS]

OH, OH!