Original subtitles

- [EVIL LAUGHTER]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- I MISSED YOU...

BUT MY AIM IS IMPROVING.

- ALL RIGHT, MEN.

YOU MUST DEFEND THIS FORT AT ALL COSTS!

- IF YOU WON'T SURRENDER,

THEN PREPARE TO FACE MY PEAS ACCORD.

- [GUNFIRE]

- [GIGGLING]

- STAY OUT OF MY NEUTRAL ZONE!

[GIGGLING]

ARE YOU PREPARED TO SURRENDER, GENERAL?

- HMM. HOW 'BOUT I GIVE YOU MY ANSWER AFTER LUNCH?

- VERY WELL. PULL UP AND PLACE YOUR ORDER, GENERAL.

- I'LL HAVE THE BACON QUINTUPLE CHEESEBURGER WITH ONION RINGS.

- WE ONLY SERVE FRIES AT THIS ESTABLISHMENT.

- HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR, BILLY.

WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT DOESN'T HAVE ONION RINGS?

- SO, WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, IRWIN?

I WIPED OUT YOUR ENTIRE ARMY!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

- YOU FORGOT ABOUT MY AIR FORCE!

AIR STRIKE!

AIR STRIKE!

- MY MOBILE ARMY FAST FOOD UNIT!

GOOD-BYE, GENERAL.

- [CRASH]

- OH, MY JEEP!

UH, BILLY? AREN'T YOU SCARED TO GO DOWN THERE?

- I AIN'T SCARED OF NOTHING!

HERE I COME!

[LAUGHING]

♪ DO DO WHOP WHOP ♪

♪ I'M IN THE BASEMENT, AND I'M LOVING IT! ♪

♪ UH DAH UH UH ♪

[WHISTLING]

SO, THAT'S WHERE YOU WENT.

HEY, IRWIN, I FOUND IT!

HERE I COME.

HEY, IRWIN, IF YOU'RE EVER DOWN HERE,

WATCH OUT FOR THESE PESKY COBWEBS.

[WHISTLING]

OH, IRWIN!

[GIGGLING]

IRWIN!

IRWIN!

- [MUSIC PLAYING, BABY CRYING, JACKHAMMER HAMMERING]

- OH, WELL, I'M NOT SCARED OF BEING COMPLETELY IMMOBILIZED

AND ALONE IN A DARK AND TERRIFYING ENVIRONMENT.

I'LL JUST WAIT HERE UNTIL SOMEBODY SAVES ME.

[WHISTLING]

[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

OH, FINALLY! A CHAMPION HAS COME TO RESCUE ME!

HUH?

[SCREAMING]

THANK YOU FOR CALLING, THIS IS BILLY.

- [PUDIN MUMBLING]

- YOU KNOW WHAT, PUDIN, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF BEING SCARED TO DEATH.

[LAUGHING]

I'LL CALL YOU BACK, OK?

[SCREAMING]

- HUH? DAD?

[LAUGHING]

OH, I DIDN'T SCARE YOU, DID I?

- DIE, EVIL SPIDER!

[SCREAMING]

- OH, DAD, THIS IS JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

HEY, DAD.

- GET AWAY!

- I'VE GOT SOME REALLY BIG NEWS TO TELL YOU.

- [STAMMERING]

- I'VE JUST LAID THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF EGGS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

- AAH!

- YEP, YOU'RE GONNA BE A GRANDPA.

- BUT--BUT...THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'RE A BOY SPIDER.

- YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, TOO...

UNTIL I HAD THESE.

- [SCREAMING]

IT'S BACK! AAH!

- WHERE'S HE GOING?

- [SCREAMING]

- OH, HEY, GUYS. HAVE YOU SEEN MY DAD?

- AAH!

- IMPRESSIVE. I'VE BEEN TRYING

TO HAVE THAT POWER OVER HIM FOR YEARS.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE DODO,

HE'S UP IN THE OLD BILLBOARD TEA CUP.

- AWESOME, 'CAUSE I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO HIM.

SEE, I JUST LAID A WHOLE BUNCH OF EGGS,

BUT UNLIKE PEOPLE, ONCE WE SPIDERS LAY OUR EGGS,

WE ONLY HAVE 36 HOURS TO LIVE.

ANYWAY, I WON'T BE AROUND TO SEE THE LITTLE FELLAS GROW UP,

SO I NEED SOMEONE TO BE THEIR GODFATHER.

- SOLID PLAN, BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING ONE TINY DETAIL.

BILLY HATES SPIDERS-- INCLUDING YOU.

HE'LL JUST END UP STOMPING ON YOUR BABIES.

- NO PROBLEM. THAT'S WHY WE HAVE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF THEM.

THERE'S NO WAY HE CAN GET 'EM ALL!

AND BESIDES, WHO WOULD WANT TO STEP ON THESE BEAUTIES?

- OOH!

- YOU'RE BASICALLY INSANE.

AS FAR AS YOUR DORKY DAD IS CONCERNED,

HE CAN'T STAY UP THERE FOREVER.

- RIGHT. HE'LL HAVE TO COME DOWN TO EAT.

- NAH, THAT BILLBOARD'S BEEN UP THERE SINCE THE 1940s.

IT'S ALL RUSTED OUT, AND IT WON'T STAND THE EXTRA WEIGHT.

IN FACT, I PREDICT THAT IN THE NEXT 15 SECONDS, THAT--

- UGH! OOH! AH!

- MAKE THAT TWO SECONDS.

- YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY FROM ME THAT EASY.

- [CAR STARTS]

- HEY, GET BACK HERE!

- COME ON, MANDY. THIS OUGHT TO BE FUN--

LIKE WATCHING A TRAIN WRECK.

- MANDY! I CAN'T LET HER ESCAPE, BUT I NEED WHEELS.

- WHY, HELLO THERE, LITTLE BOY.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE SOME READING MATERIAL.

- THE BOOKMOBILE COMES TO THE RESCUE AGAIN.

- AAH!

UGH! UGH! OOH!

[GRUNTING]

- COME ON, DAD.

WHY DON'T SE SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT THIS

LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!

- NEVER!

[GRUNTING]

- OOH, WIENER.

- HEY, NOBODY SWIPES MY HOTDOG!

- [SIREN RINGING]

- AAH! - FREEZE!

- [HORN HONKING]

- SORRY! - LAW BREAKER! GET HIM!

- [SCREAMING]

- COMING THROUGH.

- WASN'T THAT SOME SPIDER CHASING A COFFEE CUP?

- SURE LOOKS LIKE IT, PAW.

- WELL, LET'S GO GIT HIM!

YEE-HA!

- STEP ON IT, GRIM. WE'RE LOSING HIM.

- THIS THING AIN'T SOME FANCY SPORTS CAR.

IT ONLY GOES SO FAST.

I'LL HAVE TO CALL FOR BACKUP.

- [MOANING]

- HOLY SMOKES. DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

- HEY, YOU! THAT'S MY CAR!

- UH, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE SMELL.

NOT TO WORRY, THOUGH. I'M AN EXCELLENT DRIVER.

I'VE GOT 3 ARMS AT THE 10:00 POSITION

AND ANOTHER TWO ARMS AT THE 1:00 POSITION.

- [PANTING]

ZOMBIE DRAG RACERS?

[SCREAMING]

- BAD SPIDER! BAD SPIDER!

AAH!

- [CRASH]

- UGH. - OW.

- [MOANING]

- [SIREN BLARING]

- HA HA HA! THIS IS MORE FUN THAN THE FRENCH REVOLUTION!

- 5 BUCKS SAYS THE MET HEAD ENDS UP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE WRECK.

- MY MONEY IS ONE THE OBNOXIOUS ARACHNID.

- KEEP CHASING DEATH AND THE MAIDEN,

AND I'LL CHECK OUT 12 MORE BOOKS.

- YOU GOT IT, KID!

- GOTTA LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS THE STREET.

- [TIRES SCREECH]

- [CRASHING]

- NICE AND SAFE.

- [PANTING]

- DAD? DAD! LOOK AHEAD OF YOU!

- YOU CAN'T TRICK ME.

YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME AND EAT MY GUTS!

[SCREAMING]

- WOW. WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

- THAT'S MY SON!

- [MOANING]

- AAH!

MOMMY!

- HOLD ON, DAD.

- GO AHEAD! SAVE YOURSELVES!

THERE'S NO MORE HOPE FOR ME.

- [GASPING]

- OH, NO!

GOTCHA.

- [CHEERING]

- IF ONLY EVERYONE HAD A SPIDER THAT SWEET.

- HEY, YOU, COME HERE.

[WHISPERING]

- YEAH.

ONE FOR YOU, AND ONE FOR YOU. THERE YOU GO, SIR.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS, EVERYBODY.

THAT'S RIGHT, LITTLE GUYS.

ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE GONNA TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.

- AWW.

[SCREAMING]

- [SCREAMING]

- [LAUGHING]

CAREFUL, LITTLE CRITTERS. I'M TICKLISH.

- YAOH!

- HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE LEFT?

- HMM. IT'S BEEN WELL OVER 36 HOURS

SINCE I LAID THOSE EGGS.

I JUST WISH I HAD A LITTLE MORE TIME

SO I COULD LET DAD KNOW HOW MUCH HE MEANS TO ME.

- WELL, YOU'RE STILL BREATHING...FOR THE MOMENT,

SO ENJOY THE TIME YOU GOT.

- THAT WAS ONE HECK OF A WILD RIDE, DAD.

THINGS DIDN'T TURN OUT QUITE THE WAY I PLANNED,

BUT IT ALL WORKED OUT IN THE END.

- YOU STOPPED JEFF FROM KICKING THE BUCKET.

THAT'S AWFULLY NICE OF YOU.

- WELL, I DON'T CARE MUCH FOR SPIDERS,

BUT I DO LOVE TO SEE BILLY WET HIS PANTS IN SHEER TERROR!

- I LOVE YOU, DAD.

- [SCREAMING]

- [ROARING]

- [GRUNTING]

- [SCREAMING]

- [ROARING]

- [MOANING]

- SORRY ABOUT THAT, KID. MY BAD.

ANYTHING BROKEN?

- THE ONLY THING BROKEN IS MY HEART, YO.

BROKEN BY A TINY XXX WHO WON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE MY PRESENCE.

[GASPING]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST YOUR RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS

HAS RESTORED MY HOPE FOR TRUE LOVE!

THANKS FOR LISTENING.

- [SNORING]

[FART]

[GRUNTING]

SAY, YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO SEE A BIG, GREEN, SLIMY

GASPUNKTENOID COME THROUGH HERE, DID YOU?

THANKS!

TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY, KID.

- HOW'S THAT?

- I'M LOOKING FOR A SIDEKICK.

YOU REMIND ME OF MYSELF WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

- HOW DO I REMIND YOU OF YOU?

- WELL...UH...

LET'S SEE...

WE BOTH HAVE HUMAN PARENTS...

I THINK.

COME ON, KID. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

- CHICKS DIG THE SIDEKICK.

- SO, WHAT DOES A SIDEKICK DO, ANYWAY?

- WELL, YOU PRETTY MUCH STICK CLOSE TO MY SIDE

AND TELL ME HOW STRONG I AM, HOW GREAT I AM.

MOST IMPORTANT, HOW COOL I AM.

- I'M BASICALLY AN ADORING MOLE?

- WELL...YEAH.

GREAT SULLIVAN'S TOE!

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING!

- NEXT TIME YOU USE GRIM'S SCYTHE TO CONJURE UP A PLAYMATE,

I'M GONNA USE YOUR HEAD AS A PINATA.

- I'M SORRY, MANDY.

OH, PLEASE SAVE US!

- LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO GO TO DEFCON 3.

YOU STAY HERE. WATCH THE TRUCK.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TOUCH MY BREATH MINTS.

- LOOK, GRIM, IT'S HOSS DELGATO!

- AAH!

OH, MR. DELGATO, DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

DO YOU? DO YOU? DO YOU? DO YOU?

- YEAH. YEAH, I DO.

- BECAUSE I'M ONE OF YOUR BIGGEST FANS?

- NO. BECAUSE I HAD A CHIP IMPLANTED IN MY BRAIN

THAT HEATS UP WHENEVER I TALK TO AN IDIOT.

AND RIGHT NOW MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THE SUN IN A PIZZA OVEN.

- NOT BAD, MR. D.

- NOT BAD YOURSELF.

- [SIGHS]

HOW CAN I IMPRESS MANDY IF I'M ALWAYS ON THE SIDELINES,

NEVER PART OF THE ACTION?

- IT'S TIME FOR THE HOSS-MAN TO LET YOU IN

ON A LITTLE SECRET ABOUT YOURS TRULY.

I WAS ALWAYS PICKED LAST FOR SPORTS GAMES.

- UM, I'LL TAKE MRS. WONG.

- OK. LET'S PLAY.

- WAIT. THERE'S ONE MORE.

- OH, YEAH. OK. UH...

I'LL TAKE KYLE.

- I COULD NEVER GET A DATE.

- SAY, HANDSOME, YOU BUSY TONIGHT?

- WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I--

- OH, GOODY. I JUST LOVE THE BRIGHT, REFLECTIVE TYPE.

- GRR!

THE FINAL STRAW WAS WHEN I WAS

A DOOR-TO-DOOR VEGETABLE PEELER SALESMAN.

- [BUZZER]

- YEAH, CAN I HELP YOU?

- YES, GOOD SIR. HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE VEGGIE PEELER 2000?

- AH, SAY NO MORE.

I JUST ORDERED 10,000 FROM THAT GUY.

- IT WAS RIGHT THEN

THAT I DECIDED TO END MY BORING EXISTENCE.

- SO, WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO KYLE?

- LET'S JUST SAY THAT KYLE IS NO LONGER A PROBLEM.

LOOK, THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE

IS NOBODY IS BORN COOL EXCEPT, OF COURSE...

SPUDLY, YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO BE COOL,

SO STICK WITH ME, AND I'LL TEACH YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW.

- I'M NOT SURE. I DON'T THINK I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES

TO BE A COOL SPECTRAL EXTERMINATOR.

- IT'S CALLED CONFIDENCE, KID.

THERE WAS A TIME I DIDN'T HAVE IT, EITHER.

WHY, I WAS SO AFRAID OF THE DARK,

I NEVER CLOSED MY EYES.

ON MY NINTH BIRTHDAY, MY MOM ANNOUNCED TO MY FRIENDS

THAT I WASN'T REALLY A BOY,

AND FROM THAT DAY ON, I WAS TO BE REFERRED TO

AS HER "LITTLE ROSIE."

I WET THE BED SO MUCH MY FATHER CALLED ME "THE MIDNIGHT SAILOR"

UNTIL I WAS 32 YEARS OLD.

I'M 33.

ALL RIGHT, SPUD, BOY. GET READY. YOUR LIFE'S ABOUT TO CHANGE.

- UH, DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU WERE GONNA TEACH ME HOW TO BE COOL?

- YEAH, I WAS. BUT THIS WAY IS A LOT NEATER.

- NEATER?

[SCREAMING]

- AND NOW TO COMPLETE THE TRANSFORMATION.

HOLD STILL WHILE I CHAINSAW YOUR HAND OFF.

- WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

I WANT TO BE COOL, BUT NOT CAPTAIN HOOK!

DON'T YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE A LITTLE LESS DRASTIC, YO?

YEAH. NOW WE'RE TALKING.

THIS IS MORE LIKE IT.

- LET'S GO GET SOME BAD GUYS.

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT COMPANY.

ANOTHER NASTY GASPUNKTENOID READY TO MAKE TROUBLE

DOWN AT THE PIE WAGON.

- WOW. HOW DO YOU CATCH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

- IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU USE AS BAIT.

- UH, MR. DELGATO, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS GONNA WORK?

- SURE, KID. NO WORRIES.

- DOES THIS SUIT HAVE A DRAIN IN IT?

- [ROARING]

- [SCREAMING]

- [LAUGHING]

A LITTLE TO THE RIGHT NOW.

GOSH, THANKS, MANDY. MY BRAIN IS SO ITCHY TODAY.

- MY PLEASURE, BILLY.

- [LAUGHING]

OH, YEAH.

- IT'S GO TIME, JUNIOR.

YOU'RE READY TO PROVE YOUR COOLNESS AND WIN MANDY'S LOVE?

EVEN IF IT MEANS HAVING EVERY LIMB TORN FROM YOUR BODY.

- AH!

- THAT'S WHAT I LIKE. CONFIDENCE.

- [ROARING]

- ALMOST. JUST A FEW MORE--AAH!

WHAT IS THAT?

- FEAR NOT, MORTALS...

AND BONY DEAD GUY.

IT IS I, IRWIN THE MANLY,

WHO CONTROLS THIS FEROCIOUS BEAST

WITH MY HUNK-LIKE MANLY COOLNESS.

AND NOW, I HAVE COME TO MAKE YOU MINE.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD

AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A BEATER ON YOUR WRIST?

- AH, YOU ARE WOOED BY MY STUDLY TRANSFORMATION.

- NO, I'M NOT.

- A LITTLE WOOED?

- NEGATIVE.

- A TINY BIT WOOED?

HOW 'BOUT SOMEWHAT--

- OH, NO! IRWIN!

- [BURPS]

- IRWIN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

- YES! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

AAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

- [LAUGHING]

- HOSS, IS THAT YOU?

- YEAH, IT'S ME, YOU LITTLE HUNKSTER.

IT'S TIME TO FLEX YOUR MANLY GUNS

AND FIGHT YOUR WAY OUT OF THERE.

USE YOUR BLENDER...ARM...THING.

MMM. ANYBODY?

BOY, THIS REMINDS ME OF THE TIMES

I'VE HAD TO BUST OUT OF STOMACHS.

AND IF I HADN'T BRAVELY FOUGHT THROUGH IT,

THEN I WOULD NEVER HAVE BECOME

THE COOL, HUNKY MAN STUD THAT I AM TODAY.

OOH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- OW.

[SLURPING]

- SO, COME ON, IRWIN.

FIGHT YOUR WAY OUT AND PROVE TO MANDY

YOU'RE A COOL, STUDLY MAN, AND WIN HER HEART FOREVER!

- YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

I CANNOT BELIEVE-- MOVE YOUR ABS, FABIO.

- URGH!

- MANDY, IS THAT YOU?

DO YOU THINK I'M COOL YET?

- I SURE THINK YOU'RE COOL, IRWIN,

ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU GET PUKED OUT OF A GIANT MONSTER.

- OH, BROTHER.

- [ROARING]

- AW, SHUT UP.

UNREAL.

WAY TO GO, HERO.

COME ON, GRIM.

- WELL, SPUDLY, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN NOW.

MY WORK HERE IS DONE. I HAVE TO LEAVE.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, HOSS? OFF TO CATCH SOME MORE MONSTERS?

HUH? ARE YOU? ARE YOU? ARE YOU?

- ACTUALLY, THE IDIOT CHIP IN MY BRAIN

IS STARTING TO BURN A HOLE THROUGH MY FOREHEAD.

- BUT YOU CAN'T LEAVE!

WHAT ABOUT MY TRANSFORMED HEAD?

- DON'T WORRY. THAT'LL WEAR OFF IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

TAKE IT EASY.

- THAT HOSS IS COOLER THAN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW.

I LOVE HIM!

- COOL. LOVE. MANDY!

WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO MAKE YOU THINK I'M COOL

AND WIN YOUR LOVE?!

[CRYING]

- IRWIN?

- YES, MANDY?

- THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU.

- YES?

- YOU'RE A NERD.

AND NO SHAGGY HEAD OR UTENSIL ON YOUR HAND

IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE THAT.

IT'S JUST A FACT OF LIFE.

GET USED TO IT. EMBRACE IT. MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M DUE BACK ON PLANET MANDY.

- HEY, COME ON, PAL. DON'T BE SO SAD.

SO YOU'RE A NERD! SO WHAT?

NERDS PLAY AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN THE WORLD.

- OH, YEAH? WHAT?

- WHY, NERDS ARE LIKE THE MOIST TOWELETTES OF THE UNIVERSE.

THEY MAKE EVERYONE ELSE FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.

- GEE, BILLY, THANKS...I THINK.

- GLAD I COULD HELP.

- UGH.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

[RIPPING]