Original subtitles

- [EVIL LAUGHTER]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- OH! I DO! I DO!

- [SNORING]

- OH, NOW WHAT?

AHH.

- [SNORING]

- TOO BIG!

TOO SMALL!

DAG NABBIT! ANOTHER STUFFED ONE!

[ALARM CLOCK RINGING]

- RISE AND SHINE!

TIME FOR MY FIRST SMELL OF THE DAY.

[SNIFFING]

[SLURP]

HEY! I CAN'T SMELL NOTHING!

UGH. FOOD DOESN'T TASTE AS GOOD WHEN YOU CAN'T SMELL.

- NO, THE FOOD DOESN'T TASTE GOOD BECAUSE OF THAT.

- [SNIFFLING]

- AHCHOO!

- [SNORTING]

- IT'S PROBABLY JUST THE FLU.

OR MAYBE TOO MUCH NOSE PICKING.

YOU MORTALS ARE ALWAYS PICKING YOUR NOSES:

IN YOUR CAR, AT THE MALL,

IN YOUR CAR, AT SCHOOL,

IN YOUR CAR, ON THE DANCE FLOOR,

IN YOUR CAR--

- HEY! THAT'S ME!

- I DOUBT THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I SENSE SOMETHING MUCH MORE SINISTER.

LET'S SET UP A STAKEOUT.

- I ALREADY TRIED THAT,

BUT THE SWELLING DIDN'T GO DOWN MUCH.

- YOU WILL BE OUR DECOY.

WHILE YOU SLEEP TONIGHT,

GRIM AND I WILL FIND OUT WHERE THE NOSES ARE GOING.

- WHY DO I HAVE TO SLEEP?

- BECAUSE OF THE 3 OF US, YOU HAVE THE NOSE.

- OH, I KNOWS THAT.

BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T SLEEP?

- YOU WILL. RIGHT, GRIM?

- SLEEPING SPELLS. SLEEPING SPELLS.

- I'M BEAUTIFUL. I'M BEAUTIFUL.

I'M BEAUTIFUL. I'M BEAUTIFUL. I'M BEAUTIFUL. I'M BEAUTIFUL.

- JUST DO IT NOW.

- I'M BEAUTIFUL. I'M BEAUTIFUL. I'M BEAUTIFUL...

- WHY CAN'T I LURK IN THE BUSHES, TOO?

- BECAUSE I SAID SO.

FINALLY, A USE FOR MY MOTHER'S FAKE SPEAKER ROCK.

- BUT, BUT...

- [CLICK]

- [INDISTINCT SOUNDS]

- I THOUGHT I TURNED THE VOLUME OFF.

- THAT SOUND ISN'T ME, MANDY.

LOOK! IT'S GOING TOWARDS BILLY'S BEDROOM.

- CAN'T A GUY GET SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE?

OH, IT'S YOU.

- [BUMP, SCREAM]

- WHAT IS THAT?

- IT'S BILLY'S NOSE.

- [SCREAMING]

- OH, I'D BE DELIGHTED

IF A LINGERING SMELL DECIDED TO LEAVE ME,

BUT I GUESS IT'S DIFFERENT IF YOU'RE A NOSE.

BILLY!

- HEY, GRIM.

- COME ON, BILLY. WE NEED TO FOLLOW YOUR NOSE.

- AYE, AYE, CAP'N.

BETTER-LOOKING EVERY DAY.

A SHIMMY ONE, A SHIMMY TWO,

A SHIM FOR ME, A SHIM FOR YOU.

- HURRY UP. IT'S GETTING AWAY.

- WHAT IN THE BLAZES IS GOING ON?

- [CHEERING]

- HEY, MY NOSE IS GOING TO...

- THE MALL?!

- THE NOSES ARE GOING BEHIND THE PERFUME COUNTER, MAN.

- FREE SAMPLE.

FREE SAMPLE. FREE SAMPLE. FREE SAMPLE.

- VIVIAN! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

- FREE SAMPLE!

NO!

[SHORT-CIRCUITING]

- [EVIL LAUGHING]

- I BELIEVE THIS IS A NASALMANCER, MAN,

A LESSER-KNOWN WIZARD THAT DEALS WITH NOSE MAGIC.

I HAD ALMOST FORGOTTEN ABOUT THEM.

IT'S NOT A VERY POPULAR SCHOOL OF WIZARDRY FOR SOME REASON.

- HOW CAN YOU BE SURE HE'S A NASALMANCER?

- WELL, EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.

- WHERE'S MY NOSE?

- OOH! I ONLY WISH I KNEW.

SURELY SUCH A LARGE HEAD MUST HAVE PRODUCED

A LARGE AND SUPPLE PROBOSCIS.

- OH, THANK YOU.

OH, THERE IT IS!

COME ON! I'LL INTRODUCE YOU!

- OH, GOOD GRIEF.

- SLOW DOWN, SON.

- OH, YEAH!

IT TRULY IS A BEAUT, JUST LIKE I THOUGHT.

SPACIOUS, TOO.

- HEY, NOW! GET YO FO' SHIZZLE OUT OF MY NIZZLE, DAWG.

I DON'T SEE YOU DOING THAT TO YOUR NOSE.

- NO, YOU DON'T.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE... THAT'S BECAUSE...

I DON'T HAVE A NOSE OF MY OWN!

[SOBBING]

OH, I'M SO SORRY!

YOU--YOU JUST HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS

TO BE A NOSE WIZARD WITH NO NOSE.

- [LAUGHTER]

CHUMP!

- UH...RIGHT.

WELL, YOU SEE, I USED TO TAKE SUCH DELIGHT IN MY WORK.

BY NIGHT, I WOULD CREATE LOVELY PERFUMES FROM ESSENTIAL OILS.

[SNORTING]

AND BY DAY, I WOULD SHARE MY ESSENCE

WITH ALL THE LOVELY LADIES AT THE ENDSVILLE MALL.

- UGH. NOW I KNOW WHO TO BLAME FOR MY GRANDMOTHER'S SMELL.

- THEN ONE DAY, BUSINESS WAS RATHER SLOW.

I THINK CRUNCHY CREAM

WAS HAVING A TWO-FOR-ONE SALE OR SOMETHING.

ANYWAY, I WAS JUST PASSING MY TIME AT THE PERFUME COUNTER,

MAINTAINING MY NOSE,

WHEN I SPIED A PARTICULARLY OFFENSIVE BLOUSE PASSING ME BY.

AND THAT WAS IT.

MY NOSE WAS GONE.

NOSE!

- YOU SEE? I TOLD YOU NOSE PICKING IS BAD.

- SO, I DEVIATED IN SEPTUM-BER.

I COULDN'T STAND WATCHING ALL THE GORGEOUS RIPE NOSES

PASS ME BY DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY.

AND SO I GREW MELANCHOLY-- FOR, LIKE, HALF A SECOND.

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

IF I COULDN'T HAVE A NOSE,

THEN NOBODY COULD HAVE A NOSE, YOU KNOW?

I JUST NEEDED TO CREATE THE MOST ATTRACTIVE SCENT IN THE WORLD.

A LITTLE CHAMOMILE, LAVENDER, AND OF COURSE DOODOO BUTTER

INTO MY OLD KAZOO, AND I HAD IT.

[LAUGHING]

YOU SEE, A NASALMANCER'S NOSE IS HIS LOYAL SERVANT,

AND I'M AFRAID I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOURS.

- THIBBIT!

- AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

- GIVE HIM HIS NOSE BACK.

- NEVER!

YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE OTHER NOSES.

THIS ONE'S OFF THE MARKET!

- FOLLOW THAT NOSE, MAN.

- [LAUGHING]

- [SNORTING]

- GROSS.

- DELICIOUS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- THINK ABOUT IT. WHEN SOMEBODY LOSES SOMETHING,

IT USUALLY ENDS UP IN THEIR OTHER PAIR OF PANTS.

FOUND 'EM.

- AAH! AAH! GET IT OFF! GET IF OFF!

IT FEELS SO UNNATURAL!

- [LAUGHING]

- YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE.

IT'S DISGUSTING.

- OH, THE POOR THING IS TERRIFIED.

I'LL KEEP YOU SAFE.

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND PINGING]

- FREE!

- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. HOW MUCH IS TWO PLUS TWO?

JUMP ON WHILE THEY'RE CONFUSED.

- TO THE NASALMANCER.

- [GROANING]

- GIVE ME THE NOSE.

- [EVIL LAUGHTER]

YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME.

- OH, YES, WE WILL.

IF THERE'S ONE THING BILLY'S NOSE CAN'T RESIST,

IT'S THE SMELL OF BILLY'S FEET.

- [SNIFFING]

HOME.

- OH, YOU BLEW MY NOSE UP!

- YOU BLEW MY NOSE UP.

- OH, I DID NOT, SILLY. THAT NOSE WAS A DECOY.

I HAD THE REAL NOSE IN MY POCKET THE WHOLE TIME.

HA HA HOO!

- [GIBBERISH]

- BUT, SIR, OURS WAS A DECOY, TOO.

I'VE GOT YOUR REAL NOSE RIGHT HERE.

- OH! MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE!

OH, IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY DO LOOK GREAT.

I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU. I'M SO SORRY I LEFT YOU.

GIVE ME A KISS. GIVE ME KISSES. KISSES.

[LIPS SMACKING]

- UH, ME, TOO. TRADE?

- WHAT? OH, YES, OF COURSE.

OK, NOW HAND IT OVER.

- GOT YOUR NOSE.

- NO! YOU TRICKED ME!

- THANKS FOR GETTING MY NOSE BACK, MANDY,

BUT THAT WAS MEAN.

- YOU DUMMY, THAT GUY WAS GONNA KEEP YOUR NOSE FOREVER.

- YES, BUT NOW I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO NOT HAVE A NOSE.

IT IS AWFUL. SO NOW, I'M GONNA MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

HALF FOR YOU...AND HALF FOR ME.

- OH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE NOSTRIL.

THANK YOU, BILLY!

- S'NOT A PROBLEM.

- I GET IT!

[LAUGHING]

- S'NOT!

- NOW, BILLY, I WANT YOU TO KEEP YOUR TUXEDO

SPARKLING CLEAN TODAY AT THE WEDDING.

YOU GOT THAT?

NEAT, SWEET, TIDY, AND TRIM.

SPICK-AND-SPAN.

[WHIRRING]

THERE. ALL FINISHED.

WHY, DON'T YOU LOOK PRECIOUS?

TURN AROUND SO MOMMY CAN GET A GOOD CLEAN LOOK AT YOU.

- I'M TUXEDO MAN!

HA HA HA!

- YES, YES. YOU'RE TUXE--

TUXEDO MAN?

[GROWLING]

NO!

NO, BILLY. NO TUXEDO MAN.

REMEMBER LAST TIME.

- [GIBBERISH]

[SHATTERING]

TUXEDO MAN!

[GROANING]

TUXEDO MAN.

- SO, NO TUXEDO MAN, OK?

- TUXEDO MAN!

TUXEDO MAN!

- HEE HEE HEE!

OH, YEAH. KIDS.

- [GIBBERISH]

[LAUGHING]

AHH!

[INSECTS CHEERING]

YEEHHH!

GRIM! JUST THE GUY I WANTED TO SEE.

- WAIT. LET ME GUESS.

YOU GOT YOUR TUXEDO MUDDY AGAIN,

AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN YOU UP WITH MY MAGIC SCYTHE.

- WOW. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

- 'CAUSE IT'S THE FOURTH TIME YOU'VE ASKED ME TODAY.

- FIFTH, ACTUALLY.

- YEAH. YOU KNOW, MANDY,

I'VE SEEN A LOT OF CRAZY THINGS IN THIS UNIVERSE,

BUT IF THERE'S ONE THING I DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT'S BILLY.

- WHAT'S THERE TO UNDERSTAND?

HE'S AN IDIOT.

- COME ON, GRIM. CLEAN ME WITH THE SCYTHE.

I GOTS A WEDDING TO GOES TO.

- THE IDIOT PART I GET, MANDY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT MAKES HIM TICK?

THERE MUST BE SOME REASON FOR THIS PROBLEM WITH BILLY.

- SORRY, KIDS. BILLY CAN'T PLAY RIGHT NOW.

MOM SAYS IT'S TIME TO GO,

AND WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO.

- MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME, HAROLD.

WHAT MAKES BILLY SO STUPID?

- OH, PSHAW!

BILLY'S NOT STUPID. HE'S A GENIUS.

- UH, NOT NOW, DAD.

WE'RE KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE.

- THAT'S RIGHT, AND I GOT

THIS CERTIFIED GENIUS DIPLOMA TO PROVE IT.

- DIPLOMA? BILLY IS A GENIUS?

- WHY, SURE. WHEN BILLY WAS BORN,

WE KNEW WE HAD SOMEONE REAL SPECIAL.

I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING I'LL NEVER FORGET.

- YOUR BABY, MA'AM.

- AWW!

- NOW BILLY WAS SOMEONE CLEARLY AHEAD OF HIS TIME,

AND BROTHER, IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR ME TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

HOW 'BOUT A SMILE FOR YOUR NEW DAD?

- [RUMBLING]

[FART]

- HE DID IT!

THIS KID'S A GENIUS!

- OH, IT'S JUST A GAS BUBBLE, HARRY.

- I KNOW A GENIUS WHEN I SEE ONE, GLADYS.

- [RUMBLING]

[FART]

- HIS FIRST STEPS!

- IT'S GAS!

- IT'S GENIUS.

- [FARTING, BURP]

- HIS FIRST WORD, AND ONLY 2 1/2 MINUTES OLD!

THAT'S WHAT I CALL GENIUS!

- HELLO! EXCUSE ME. I'M COVERED IN MUD!

GOING TO A WEDDING! GET BUSY WITH THE SCYTHE.

- IN A MINUTE. CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE TALKING HERE?

PLEASE CONTINUE, HAROLD.

- THANK YOU, GRIM.

THEN, OF COURSE, THERE WERE THE GENIUS COMPETITIONS--

GRUELING MONTHS OF TOURING:

ON THE ROAD,

PARTICIPATING IN EVERY GENIUS SHOWDOWN IN THE WORLD--

TAKING ON THE BEST OF THE BEST.

HI, DICK.

- HI, HARRY.

- [BURPING]

- [BURPING]

- THEY'D SPAR IN FANTASTIC COLISEUMS

ESPECIALLY DESIGNED FOR SUCH TOURNAMENTS.

AND THE TESTS, WELL,

A RIGOROUS INTELLECTUAL DECATHLON LIKE NO OTHER.

- [MEN TALKING BABY TALK]

- [BABY TALK]

- BUT NO MATTER HOW TOUGH THE CHALLENGE,

BILLY ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING INSIDE HIM

THAT MADE HIM A WINNER!

- [FARTING]

- IT WAS IN THAT MOMENT I REALIZED

THAT BILLY WAS INVINCIBLE--

SIMPLY THE GREATEST CHILD GENIUS EVER KNOWN TO MANKIND!

AND WHEN HIS MOMENT OF VICTORY CAME...

HE WOULD ALWAYS BE A GOOD SPORT AND SHARE HIS TROPHY...

WITH THE LOSERS!

AND THIS WENT ON CITY TO CITY,

STATE TO STATE, COUNTRY TO COUNTRY.

BILLY HAD BECOME THE SUPREME GENIUS CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE!

AND WHEN HE RECEIVED HIS HONORARY GENIUS DEGREE,

IT WAS THE PROUDEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

SMILE!

- AN HONORARY DEGREE.

ASTOUNDING. I HAD NO IDEA.

BILLY, I'M AFRAID I MISJUDGED YOU.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHATEVER.

LESS TALKY, MORE CHANGY.

- FOR ONCE, I AGREE WITH BILLY.

BESIDES, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT GENIUS JUNK.

- JUNK? YOU MEAN THAT...

WHAT KIND OF CHUCKLEHEAD WOULD LIE ABOUT--

- AND THAT'S WHEN BILLY MET MANDY.

[BUZZING]

NOW, MANDY KNEW A GENIUS WHEN SHE SAW ONE.

- ARE YOU SOME KIND OF IDIOT?

- [GIGGLING]

[FLUSHING SOUND]

- I'LL TAKE THAT AS A "YES."

- HIS BRILLIANT POWERS OF OBSERVATION

ASTOUNDED HER FROM THE START.

- [GROWLING]

- SAY, YOU AIN'T GOT NO NOSE.

- SO?

- THAT'S BETTER.

- IT WAS THAT MOMENT THAT WOULD SET THE TONE

FOR THE REST OF THEIR FRIENDSHIP.

- CREEP.

- [GIGGLING]

SHE DIGS ME.

- AND THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED.

HA HA HA HA HA!

[RUMBLING]

[FARTING]

[LAUGHING]

AH! I SURE HOPE OUR LITTLE TALK

HAS HELPED YOU UNDERSTAND BILLY BETTER.

- YES, AND I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH BILLY.

- YEAH? - YEAH. YOU!

YOU ARE THE PROBLEM WITH BILLY!

YOU'RE WHERE HE GETS IT.

IT'S A WONDER THE BOY CAN EVEN TIE HIS SHOES.

- HE CAN'T!

BUT LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE.

- WHAT BRIGHT SIDE?

- YEAH. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE BRIGHT ABOUT THIS?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.

LET'S ASK BILLY. HE'S THE GENIUS.

- THAT'S IT! I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID SCYTHE!

MOM WILL CLEAN ME UP! HUMPH!

- JEEZ. WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

- [GROWLING]

[WHIRRING]

- THERE. SPICK-AND-SPAN, NEAT AND SWEET, TIDY AND TRIM.

AND NO MORE TUXEDO MAN!

RIGHT, BILLY? BILLY?

- [GIBBERISH]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

- HA HA HA HA!

- TUXEDO MAN!

- [GIBBERISH]

KIDS.

- HA HA HA HA!

WOMEN.

- UGH. PARENTS.

- [LAUGHING]

MUD.

- MORTALS.

[GROWLING]

- [FARTING AND LAUGHING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

- [FARTING]

[LAUGHING]

- THAT FRUIT'S A GENIUS!