Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- HA HA HA HA HA!

- TURN OUT THE LIGHTS.

- FUN PLUS ADVENTURE EQUALS MATH,

SO JOIN THE MATH CLUB TODAY.

- HARK!

WHAT LIGHT THROUGH YONDER WINDOW BREAKS?

'TIS THE DRAMA CLUB!

JOIN OUR MERRY TROUPE TODAY!

- HEY, JOIN THE FRENCH CLUB...

OR NOT.

I DON'T CARE.

IN FACT, WHO NEEDS YOU? GO AWAY.

- THIS IS SO EXCITING!

- YEAH. SCHOOL CLUB RECRUITMENT DAY IS DA BOMB.

- PICKING A CLUB TO JOIN IS LIKE PICKING A BOOGER.

EVERYONE IS A WINNER.

- I'M GONNA JOIN THE MACRAME CLUB, YO.

- WHAT'S MAGGOT MACE?

- MACRAME IS THE FINE ART OF CREATING COARSE LACEWORK

BY WEAVING AND KNOTTING CORDS INTO A PATTERN.

I'M DOING IT TO MEET THE CHICKS!

- CHICKS? I LOVES CHICKS!

[CHICKS CHIRPING]

[HOEDOWN MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHIRPING STOPS, MUSIC CONTINUES]

MANDY? IRWIN?

HEY, KID!

DID YOU SEE WHERE MY FRIENDS WENT?

OH!

"JR. C.I....A!"

HOW DO I JOIN?

- THAT'S CLASSIFIED.

- WELL, WHAT WOULD I GET TO DO?

- THAT'S CLASSIFIED.

- WELL, DO YOU AT LEAST SERVE GOOD REFRESHMENT?

- HE KNOWS TOO MUCH. SEND IN THE CLEANERS.

[GEIGER COUNTER CRACKLING]

MOVE ALONG. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

- SO, YOU THINK I GOT WHAT IT TAKES?

- YOU SURE DO. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE PLUMBERS OF AMERICA.

- WANT TO JOIN THE ALPACA FARMERS CLUB?

YOU'LL GET USED TO THE SMELL.

NOT REALLY.

- HMM. CURIOUS.

- [ALL HISSING]

- CLOSE THE CURTAIN! CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT!

NO, WAIT! COME BACK!

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF A CLUB THIS IS?

- WHAT KIND OF A CLUB IS IT?

- IT IS A SECRET CLUB.

NO, WAIT! COME BACK!

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO JOIN?

- OK, HOW DO I JOIN?

- NO ONE JOINS.

NO, WAIT! COME BACK!

YOU CAN JOIN IF YOU CAN ANSWER THIS RIDDLE:

WHAT IS--WAIT! COME BACK!

YOU CAN JOIN IF YOU FIRST PROVE YOURSELF BY--

OK, YOU'RE IN.

- WHAT KIND OF STUPID CLUB IS THIS ANYWAY?

- WE ARE NONE OTHER THAN THE SECRET SNAKE CLUB.

[SNAKE CHARMER MUSIC PLAYING]

- SECRET SNAKE CLUB, HUH?

WELL, I GUESS IT BEATS THE CABBAGE CLUB.

- AH, NO ONE WANTS TO JOIN THE CABBAGE CLUB.

- SO, DO YOU LIKE OUR SECRET LAIR?

- YEP. IT'S A BASEMENT.

- YEAH, I WANTED TO PUT UP SOME COOL DECORATIONS,

BUT MY MOM WON'T LET ME 'CAUSE GRANDMA LIVES DOWN HERE.

- WE'VE NEVER HAD A G-GIRL DOWN HERE BEFORE.

- Y-YOU ARE A GIRL, AREN'T YOU?

- I'M OUT OF HERE. - NO, WAIT!

PLEASE HELP YOURSELF TO SOME FORBIDDEN SNAKE SNACKS.

YES, FORBIDDEN, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS CLUB.

THE RECIPE IS A CAREFULLY GUARDED, DARK SECRET.

- ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST RICE CRUNCHIES MIXED WITH MARSHMALLOWS AND BUTTER.

- OH, THAT IS JUST GREAT!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE AWAY ALL OF OUR DARK SECRETS?

- SHUT UP! - NO, YOU SHUT UP!

- NO, YOU SHUT UP! - NO, YOU SHUT UP!

- NO, YOU SHUT UP! - NO, YOU SHUT UP!

- NO, YOU SHUT UP! - NO, YOU SHUT UP!

- WELL, I'M NOT GONNA SHUT UP!

- WELL, I AM NOT GOING TO, EITHER.

MANDY, I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR JEROME HERE.

- HEY! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE MY REAL NAME!

WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING COOL CODE NAMES IF WE'RE NOT EVEN GONNA USE 'EM?

- OH, YEAH. I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT WE ALL GET SECRET CODE NAMES.

- WOW.

- THIS IS VIPER. HE'S LEVEL 8.

THIS IS KING COBRA. HE IS LEVEL 7.

AND I AM KNOWN AS WIGGLY.

I AM LEVEL 20.

- WIGGLY?

YOUR CODE NAME IS WIGGLY?

- WELL, ACTUALLY, IT IS SHORT FOR--

- SAY, MAN, HOW COME YOU'RE LEVEL 20 AND I'M ONLY LEVEL 8?

I'VE BEEN IN THIS CLUB AS LONG AS YOU HAVE!

- BECAUSE, JEROME--VIPER,

THIS IS THE SECRET SNAKE CLUB.

AND SINCE I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO ACTUALLY OWNS A SNAKE,

I LEVEL UP FASTER.

- [SCOFFS] YEAH, BUT OUR MEETINGS ARE ALWAYS AT MY HOUSE,

AND I SPENT TWO HOURS MAKING THOSE CRUNCHY TREATS!

- BUT THIS ISN'T THE SECRET BASEMENT AND CRUNCHY TREATS CLUB, NOW, IS IT?

- SHUT UP. - YOU SHUT UP.

- NO, YOU SHUT UP. - NO, YOU SHUT UP.

- NO, YOU SHUT UP. - NO, YOU SHUT UP.

- SHUT UP, SHUT UP. - NO, YOU SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

- SHUT UP, SHUT UP! - SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

- NO, YOU SHUT UP. - NO, YOU SHUT UP.

- SHUT UP. - SHUT UP. - SHUT UP!

- NO, YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.

- SO, YOU WANT TO JOIN OUR ORGANIZATION.

- WHAT ORGANIZATION?

- THE C.I.A.

- J, K, L, M, N, O, P!

- WAIT. WHAT?

- Q, R, S, P, U, T!

♪ NOW I KNOW MY ABCs, NEXT TIME WON'T YOU SING WITH ME? ♪

- DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN US?

- I HAVE A RASH ON MY BUTT.

- O...K.

- MY MOM SAYS NOT TO TOUCH IT, BUT I TOUCH IT ANYWAY.

PLEASE DON'T TELL MY MOM.

- UH, SURE.

- ARE YOU INVISIBLE?

- NO, BILLY, I'M IN A DIFFERENT ROOM.

- THE BATHROOM?

- BILLY, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IF WE WIPED YOUR MIND

AND TURNED YOU INTO A COVERT WARRIOR?

- I LIKE FRENCH FRIES!

- HE'S PERFECT.

WHAT THE-- HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?

SOMEONE IS SO FIRED OVER THIS!

- YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS IS A GOOD CARD.

- YEAH. IT HAS GOT 60 HIT POINTS AND--

- HEY, NERD BURGLARS,

I'VE BEEN HERE 3 HOURS NOW

AND I'VE STILL YET TO SEE ANYTHING THAT LOOKS AT ALL LIKE A REAL SNAKE.

- MY CRUNCHY TREATS LOOK LIKE SNAKES.

- NO, YOUR CRUNCHY TREATS LOOK LIKE POO.

- PATIENCE, MANDY. ALL WILL BE REVEALED SOON.

SEE, WE ARE A SECRET CLUB BECAUSE OF OUR AGENDA.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

IT IS A DARK AGENDA.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

IT IS AN AGENDA...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

SOME OTHER CLUBS MAY NOT AGREE WITH.

- HEY! I WANT TO TRY THAT!

AGENDA!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

NICE.

- MANDY, YOU MAY FIND THIS HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT WE ARE NOT WHAT YOU'D CALL "POPULAR."

YES, I KNOW. SHOCKING.

DAILY, WE MUST ENDURE ALL MANNER OF TEASING:

WEDGIES, NOOGIES,

SWIRLIES.

- AGENDA.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

- STOP IT!

OK, NEW CLUB RULE.

FROM NOW ON, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAY THE WORD "AGENDA."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

YOU GOT THAT? NOW, WHERE WAS I?

GREAT! NOW I HAVE LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT!

THANKS A LOT, VIPER! LET'S SEE.

I COVERED CODE NAMES, DARK AGENDA, WEDGIES, CRUNCHY TREATS.

- MACRAME CLUB HAS GOT TO BE MORE FUN THAN THIS.

- IRWIN, LOOK AT THE POT HOLDER I MADE.

[GIGGLING]

- EXCELLENT WORK, CAROL, BUT CHECK THIS, YO.

- [GASPS] OH, IRWIN!

THAT'S AMAZING! [GIGGLES]

- I AM A MACRAME GOD.

WORSHIP ME. WORSHIP ME!

- I TAKE THAT BACK.

- OH, WAIT. I REMEMBER NOW.

I WAS EXPLAINING THE WHOLE SNAKE CONNECTION.

THE STORY GOES BACK HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

KING COBRA, IF YOU WILL.

[PLAYING SLOW TUNE]

[AS BOB DYLAN] - ♪ IN A TIME FORGOTTEN LONG AGO ♪

♪ A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE MOVED ALL SLOW ♪

♪ AND THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS A TV SHOW ♪

♪ THAT'S WHERE WE'LL GO

♪ OH, IN THE ANCIENT JUNGLES OF CANADA, SEE? ♪

♪ NERDS ROMPED WILD, ROAMED STRONG AND FREE ♪

♪ AND SPENT THEIR DAYS DRINKING HERBAL TEA ♪

♪ AND THEY WERE HAPPY

♪ BECAUSE SOMEONE PROTECTED THEM WITH PRIDE ♪

♪ HE MADE THE BULLIES RUN AND HIDE ♪

♪ OH, THEY'D WIND UP ON HIS INSIDE, OH, WHAT A RIDE ♪

♪ AND HIS NAME WAS THE GREAT SNAKE SHNISSUGAH ♪

♪ NO ONE COULD MISTAKE SHNISSUGAH ♪

♪ HIS HOUSE WAS NEAR LAKE--

- ONTARIO. - ♪ SHNISSUGAH

♪ CHILDREN SING SHNISSUGAH

♪ ONE DAY SOON, HE'LL COME BACK AGAIN ♪

♪ TO THIS WORLD OF NERD-HATING MEN ♪

♪ AND TIME NOW WILL BE LIKE TIME THEN TIMES TEN ♪

- SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD, DON'T YOU THINK?

WE'VE GOT A DEMO TAPE IF YOU WANT TO PLAY IT FOR YOUR FRIENDS.

- WAIT. YOU'RE TELLING ME THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS STUPID CLUB--

- IS TO RESURRECT AN ANCIENT SNAKE CREATURE

AND MAKE HIM EAT THE COOL KIDS, YES.

- AND JUST HOW DO YOU PROPOSE TO DO THAT?

- WELL, WE HAVE ASSEMBLED ALL THE NECESSARY MATERIALS FOR HIS ARRIVAL:

A GIANT HEAT LAMP, SOME CRICKET PATE...

[CRICKET CHIRPING]

AND A 2-GIGAHERTZ SLENTIUM PC WITH DVD-R DRIVE.

THE ONLY PIECE WE ARE HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING IS THE POWER OF THE UNDERWORLD.

I MEAN, WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND THAT?

- OK, WE'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THESE LIVING CONDITIONS.

WHEN AM I GETTING A REAL ROOM TO STAY IN?

I HATE IT OUT HERE! IT'S TOO HOT!

AIN'T NO RUNNING WATER-- [MACHINE GUN FIRE]

AND THE STUPID RED BARON KEEPS FLYING BY AND SHOOTING AT ME.

HMMPH!

HEY, WHY ARE THEM NERDS STANDING BEHIND YOU?

WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN?

- TO BRING ABOUT THE SECOND COMING OF SCHNISSI--

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. THE BIG CANADIAN DIRT SNAKE.

BUT WHY AM I DOING THIS?

- BECAUSE I RENTED YOU OUT TO THESE DORKS FOR $20 AN HOUR.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK.

- THIS IS SO EXCITING! ALL OUR DREAMS ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE!

- YES, COMBINING THE POWER OF THE INTERNET AND THE UNDERWORLD.

- HEY, LOOK, YOU MIND NOT BREATHING ALL OVER ME, MAN?

I'M TRYING TO WORK HERE.

- OK, SO NOW GO TO WWW.SHNISSUGAH.COM.

- WHEW. KID NEVER HEARD OF MOUTHWASH. IS THIS THE WEB SITE?

- NO, YOU TYPED IT WRONG. THERE ARE TWO S's--

- WHOA! - [MONKEY SCREECHING]

HEY, NOW, DON'T LOOK AT THIS! THIS ISN'T FOR CHILDREN TO SEE.

I'D BETTER CLOSE THIS WINDOW.

[SCREECHING STOPS]

STUPID COMPUTER FROZE UP.

HANG ON. I'LL REBOOT.

THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO TAKE A MINUTE.

[COMPUTER DIALING UP]

STILL JUST LOADING UP.

OK, GOOD. NOW WE--

OH, WAIT. IT'S NOT DONE YET.

[SIGHS] SO, UH, ANYONE SEEN ANY GOOD MOVIES LATELY?

- JUST LAST WEEKEND I SAW-- - OH, WAIT! IT'S READY NOW.

[SNAKE CHARMER MUSIC PLAYING]

OK, GOOD. HERE WE--

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK!

THING FROZE UP AGAIN!

- THIS ALMOST MAKES ME WISH BILLY WAS HERE.

- YOU C.I.A. JERKS AIN'T NEVER GONNA CATCH ME.

[LAUGHING]

- LEAKY COLLON, YOU ARE WANTED BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

PULL OVER IMMEDIATELY.

- NO!

- DARN IT! THAT USUALLY WORKS.

[CRASH]

[MEN SHOUTING]

- HA HA HA HA!

NO ONE CAN STOP LEAKY COLLON. SAY WHAT?

- LEAKY COLLON, IT'S TIME TO STOP RUNNING!

- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY UNIBROW?

WITHOUT IT, I AM POWERLESS!

AAAH!

OUCH.

[SHIP'S HORN BLOWING]

- LOOKS LIKE A MESSY END FOR LEAKY COLLON,

BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T EAT ALL YOUR VEGETABLES.

- GOOD WORK, JUNIOR AGENT BILLY.

HERE'S YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT.

APPARENTLY IT'S SOME SICK CULT OPERATING UNDER THE GUISE OF A SCHOOL CLUB.

THEY'RE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

- LET'S GO SPREAD SOME FREEDOM.

- IT'S HALFWAY DONE REBOOTING NOW.

- WELL, I'M OFFICIALLY BORED TO TEARS.

I'LL LET YOU ROTODORKS FINISH ON YOUR OWN.

- NO, MANDY, I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE GOING ANYWHERE.

SEE, ONCE SOMEONE JOINS THE SECRET SNAKE CLUB...

THEY CAN NEVER UNJOIN!

- IS "UNJOIN" EVEN A REAL WORD?

- WHO CARES? SHE UNDERSTOOD WHAT I MEANT!

- DON'T YELL AT ME. - WELL, THEN, SHUT UP!

- NO, YOU SHUT UP! - NO, YOU SHUT UP!

- YOU SHUT UP! - NO, YOU SHUT UP!

- SHUT UP! - HOW ABOUT YOU BOTH SHUT UP?

NOW, SOMEONE TELL CAPTAIN OAF BAG HERE TO MOVE IT,

OR I'M GONNA CRUMPLE HIM LIKE A PAPER SACK.

- IDLE THREATS, MANDY.

I THINK IT'S TIME YOU MET WIGGLY, JR.

[SNAKE HISSES]

- OH, PLEASE. THAT'S JUST A LITTLE GARDEN SNAKE.

- ALL SHALL SUCCUMB TO THE POWER OF THE SNAKE!

- GRIM, UNTIE ME, NOW!

- SORRY, MANDY. I'M ON THE CLOCK.

HEY, IT'S READY!

OK. LET ME JUST ENTER THE CODE--

"EXTREME DORK LOSERS."

SCYTHE.

- IT'S WORKING! IT'S REALLY WORKING!

- YAY.

- YES!

COME, LORD SHNISSUGAH!

COME AND MAKE US KINGS!

[DOOR OPENS]

- YOU SICKOS ARE IN BIG, BIG TROUBLE.

- [GASPS] THE C.I.A. IS ON TO US!

RUN, GIRLS!

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

YOU AIN'T GETTING JACK ON ME, YO!

- NO! LET HIM GO.

HE SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THIS CLASSROOM IS ON THE THIRD FLOOR.

WELL, WELL, WELL, HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, IRWIN, A.K.A. JIMMY THE JACKAL,

A.K.A. MR. MAGIC MUTTON CHOPS, A.K.A. DEBBIE?

SO, YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD THREATEN THE WORLD POT HOLDER MARKET

WITH YOUR QUALITY HANDMADE MACRAME POT HOLDERS, RAISING ENOUGH MONEY

TO BUY YOUR OWN SPACE LASER AND POINT IT AT PEOPLE'S EYES, CAUSING RETINAL DAMAGE

SO EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO WEAR GLASSES JUST LIKE YOU!

[DRAWS A DEEP BREATH] BUT YOU FAILED.

- HOW DID YOU KNOW?

- WE HAD SOMEONE ON THE INSIDE.

- TAMMY?

BUT--BUT I WAS GONNA ASK YOU OUT NEXT WEEK.

- GAG ME WITH A SPOON.

LIKE I WOULD HAVE GONE OUT WITH YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, BOYS! DRAG HIM AWAY FOR DEPROGRAMMING.

- THIS ISN'T RIGHT!

THIS EPISODE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SNAKE NERDS!

SNAKE NERDS!

- YES!

COME, LORD SHNISSUGAH!

COME AND MAKE US KINGS!

[DOOR OPENS]

- YOU GUYS ARE MAKING A MESS DOWN HERE!

- PETER! THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME!

- WELL, I'M STILL TELLING MOM!

- HE'S EMERGING FROM THE VORTEX!

- HEY, SHNISSUGAH.

[LISPING] - HEY, GRIM. WHAT'S--WHAT'S--HOW YOU BEEN?

- OH, YOU KNOW, FORCED INTO FRIENDSHIP WITH A DUMB KID AND A MEAN KID.

AND YOU?

- SHEESH. NOT SO GOOD.

TRAVELING THROUGH THE INTERNET ALWAYS MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.

YOU GOT ANY BICARBONATE OF SODA AROUND HERE?

- THAT'S SHNISSUGAH?

BUT HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE, LIKE, 8 KILOMETERS LONG!

- ACTUALLY, IT'S 8 CENTIMETERS.

SOMETIMES, WITH THOSE METRIC PREFIXES, THERE TENDS TO BE A LITTLE--HEH--CONFUSION.

- WELL, ARE YOU AT LEAST GONNA EAT ALL THE COOL KIDS?

- WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY IN THE HEAD?

COOL KIDS ARE FULL OF TRANS-FATTY ACIDS.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD DO TO MY INDIGESTION?

BUT I GUESS I COULD MAYBE, YOU KNOW, LIKE, BITE THEM ON THE BIG TOE IF YOU WANT.

- WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO?

- WELL, IT WOULD MAKE IT VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TO WALK AROUND.

SAY, THERE AREN'T ANY CATS RUNNING AROUND HERE, ARE THERE?

BECAUSE I'M REALLY, REALLY ALLERGIC TO CATS.

OH, NO! THAT POOR GIRL, ALL TIED UP!

WAIT. THAT IS A GIRL, RIGHT?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? UNTIE HER RIGHT NOW!

SHAME ON YOU NERDS!

YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE HARASS YOU.

WHY WOULD YOU DO IT TO OTHERS, ESPECIALLY A GIRL?

YOU PEOPLE DISGUST ME.

- YEAH, YOU DISGUST ME, TOO.

YOU'RE ALL OLD ENOUGH, SO WEAR SOME DEODORANT!

I'VE BEEN TRYING NOT TO VOMIT IN ME OWN MOUTH ALL DAY!

- LISTEN, GRIM, I GOT TO RUN. I'VE GOT A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO RUN SOME TESTS.

I--I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

- OUR WORLD HAS CRUMBLED.

- COMPLETELY.

- HEY, HAVE FUN, GUYS.

HA HA HA HA HA!

- "HAVE FUN"? WITH WHAT?

OH, NO!

- COVER YOUR EYES, WIGGLY, JR.

THIS IS GONNA GET UGLY.

[PUNCHES LANDING, BOYS SCREAMING]

[SIGHS] NO ONE WANTS TO JOIN THE CABBAGE CLUB.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

[WHISTLING A TUNE]