Original subtitles

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- GIVE ME A CHEESEBURGER WITH NO ONIONS,

A SMALL ORDER OF FRIES, AND A SODA.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[WHISTLING]

[COW MOOING]

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

- DON'T FORGET THAT YOUR REPORTS ARE DUE TOMORROW, CHILDREN.

[GROANING]

- BOY, I HATE HISTORY REPORTS.

- DUH. ONLY A REAL DORK WOULD LIKE DOING HOMEWORK.

- OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO GIVE MY HISTORY REPORT TOMORROW.

I LIKE HOMEWORK.

- SEE? - HA HA HA!

- SO, AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK ME

WHAT HISTORY BOOK ASSIGNMENT I GOT?

- UH, NO.

- IT'S ON THE CANADIAN REVOLUTION.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT LANGUAGE THEY SPEAK

IN CERTAIN PARTS OF CANADA?

- OOH! I KNOW!

THEY TALK TURKEY.

- FRENCH.

- D'OH! I WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

- AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT FRENCH IS THE LANGUAGE OF?

- OH, YEAH!

IT'S THE LANGUAGE OF TURKEYS.

- IT'S THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

- I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK.

- WHAT ASSIGNMENT DID YOU GET?

- "DRUM MUSIC OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION."

- MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A STUDY PARTNER,

SAY, MOI.

- THE CANADIAN REVOLUTION, YOU SAY?

WELL, YOU MAY NOT BE CANADIAN,

BUT YOU SURE ARE REVOLTING.

- TOUCHE.

- GESUNDHEIT.

- WHAT DID YOU GET, PINHEAD?

- "A NOT SO BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME

BY STEVEN HAWKWING."

- I THINK IT'S A HORROR STORY.

OOH!

- IT'S NOT A HORROR STORY, YOU IDIOT.

STEVEN HAWKWING WRITES ABOUT THEORETICAL PHYSICS.

- OOH!

- WELL, MY CHERIE, I MUST BE GOING.

I BID YOU ADIEU.

- GESUNDHEIT.

- PINHEAD.

- TIME, TIME, TIME.

"T" BY "X" OVER "Y" PLUS "M" DIVIDED BY 365

DIVIDED BY "E" SQUARED BY PI.

OF COURSE!

PIE!

[RING]

HELLO?

HELLO, THIS IS THE BILLY RESIDENCE.

THIS IS BILLY SPEAKING ON THE PHONE.

WHOM MAY I SAY IS CALLING, PLEASE?

- IT'S ME--IRWIN.

JUST CHECKING TO SEE HOW YOUR REPORT IS GOING.

- CAN'T TALK. STUDYING PIE.

[DIAL TONE]

- NOW WHEN TRUCKS GO CRAZY!

[RING]

- HELLO, PLEASE. THIS IS THE HOUSE OF BILLY'S RESIDENCE

WITH BILLY SPEAKING ON THE PHONE.

WHO IS CALLING MAY I SAY ON THE PHONE IT IS?

- HEY, BILLY. IT'S ME--IRWIN. HOW'S THE REPORT GOING?

- CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, IRWIN. TOO BUSY WATCHING TELEVISION.

- EH?

[QUACK QUACK]

- AHA!

[RING]

LOOK, IRWIN.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW, SO...

- IRWIN, SWEETIE.

BETTER GET BACK TO WORK ON THAT HISTORY REPORT.

- AH! SURE, DAD.

I WAS, UH, JUST TAKING A BREAK.

[WHISTLING]

- HEY THERE. OOH! EEK!

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT, IRWIN.

- OH, YOU MUST HAVE NOTICED MY LARGE

AND RATHER BULBOUS CRANIUM.

IT'S SWOLLEN FROM ALL OF THE STUDYING THAT I DID

FOR THAT BIG HISTORY REPORT TODAY.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE

HITTING THE BOOKS LAST NIGHT.

[LAUGHING]

- HEY THERE, PINHEAD.

LOOKS LIKE YOU MISSED OUT ON STUDYING LAST NIGHT, BILLY.

- HEY.

WAIT A MINUTE. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

THIS IS ALL JUST A DREAM, AND I SHOULD BE WAKING UP

RIGHT ABOUT...

THIS IS NO DREAM.

THIS IS NO DREAM!

GRIM! GRIM? GRIM!

GRIM. GRIM!

- BILLY. - GRIM!

WHAT'S ALL THE YELLING ABOUT?

- MY BRAIN IS TOO SMALL.

- YOU DON'T SAY.

- I DIDN'T STUDY FOR MY HISTORY REPORT,

AND NOW I'VE RUN OUT OF TIME.

YOU'LL HELP ME, RIGHT, GRIM?

- UM, WELL, I, UH...

- RIGHT, GRIM?

- UH...I CAN'T, BILLY.

MY, UM...

I'VE GOT TO WASH MY HAIR.

- REALLY?

OH, MAN. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF...

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?

- WELL, YOU'RE...

- WHEN I ASKED YOU TO BE MY TANGO PARTNER YESTERDAY,

YOU SAID THAT YOU COULDN'T BECAUSE YOU HAD TO "WASH YOUR HAIR."

NOBODY WASHES THEIR HAIR THAT MUCH.

- [WHISTLING]

- HEY! YOU BETTER HELP ME, GRIM,

OR ELSE.

- OR ELSE WHAT?

- OR ELSE I WON'T STOP DOING...THIS!

- WOW. THAT'S--

- BL-BL-BL-BL-BL!

PBBT!

[CLUCKING]

OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!

EHH!

- OK! OK!

- ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK!

- OK!

- THANKS.

AWESOME!

WE'RE GONNA WATCH TV?

- THIS IS NOT A TELEVISION REMOTE.

IT'S A UNIVERSAL REMOTE CONTROL.

- WHOA! THAT'S GREAT!

- WE'LL TAKE THAT UNICORN REMOTE

AND WHACK MY SISTER'S TEACHER ON THE HEAD

AND THEN SHE'LL GO UNSUBCONSCIOUS AND FADED,

AND YOU AND I WILL HEAD FOR THE BORDER AND HIDE OUT IN BELGIUM.

SO WE STEAL THIS TRUCK AND DRIVE ALL NIGHT

LIKE TWO ESCAPED CONVERTS ON THE LAM,

AND THEN WHEN WE GET TO BOLIVIA, WE BEGIN A NEW LIFE,

AND WE START A FLYING MACKEREL FARM.

[CLUCKING]

- NO, BILLY.

THIS REMOTE CONTROLS THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.

WE CAN TURN BACK TIME WITH IT,

WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED

TO STUDY FOR YOUR HISTORY REPORT.

- THAT'S GREAT!

HA HA HA HA!

HUH? HUH?

- SO NOW YOU SEE, BILLY.

WITH THIS DEVICE, WE CAN GET BACK MORE TIME

FOR YOU TO WORK ON THAT REPORT.

- OR WE CAN HAVE A TON OF FUN.

- COME ON, BILLY. HAND IT OVER.

- YEAH, RIGHT. AS IF.

- WHY, YOU LITTLE...

- HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

[RING]

[RING]

[METRONOME TICKING]

GOOD EVENING, ANDY. HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE DAY?

- PINHEAD.

- HEE HEE HEE.

- PINHEAD.

- HA HA HA!

- PINHEAD.

- HA HA HA HO HEE!

- HMM. DEJA VU.

- HEE HEE HEE! GESUNDHEIT.

- HMM. DEJA VU.

- GESUNDHEIT! HA HA HA!

- WHAT'S THIS?

- HEY, THAT'S MINE!

- HMM. THIS IS A SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM REMOTE CONTROL

THAT YOU GOT FROM GRIM, ISN'T IT?

- YES, IT IS.

- IS THIS SPACE-TIME REMOTE MINE?

- YES, IT IS.

- THIS THING MAY COME IN HANDY

FOR MY HISTORY BOOK ASSIGNMENT.

- HEY! THAT REMOTE CONTROL IS MINE.

I WANT TO SEE THE DINOSAURS.

- I THINK YOU'RE FORGETTING THE LITTLE CONVERSATION

WE HAD EARLIER.

THIS REMOTE IS MINE,

AND I'M GOING TO SEE THE REVOLUTION.

- RIGHTY-HO, GENTLEMEN.

LET'S DEFEAT THESE REVOLTING YANKEES.

- ALL RIGHT, FELLOW AMERICAN DUDES.

LET'S KICK SOME LIMEY BUTT!

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] OW!

TAKE THIS, YOU FILTHY LIMEY...

- TREASONOUS YANKEE BLIGHTER.

- NOW WHERE IS THAT DRUMMER BOY?

FIGURES.

- COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

THIS IS BORING.

[DRUMMING]

HUH HUH HEE HEE!

AWESOME! OOH!

- UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH!

- OOH! MONKEYS!

HA HA HA!

- OK. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

IT'S TIME TO GET BACK TO THE FUTURE.

- HEY, WAIT!

I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE MONKEYS.

- TOO BAD.

- GIVE IT HERE!

WHOA! THIS MUST BE THE FUTURE.

- LOOK. THERE'S YOUR HOUSE.

- OOH! LET'S GO INSIDE.

HEY, WHO IS THE OLD DORK WITH THE COOL CLOTHES?

- THAT'S YOU, PINHEAD.

- OH! EHH!

- IT'S TAKEN 42 YEARS, BUT I FINALLY FINISHED.

IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY THAT I COULD GO BACK IN TIME

AND GIVE THIS REPORT TO MY, UH...TEACHER.

- I GOT AN IDEA.

- HEY!

[FLUSHES]

- HEE HEE HEE! HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

[LAUGHTER]

- WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

- TO THE REVOLUTION.

[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]

- SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT.

[SCREAMING]

BILLY MUST HAVE THE REMOTE.

- WHERE ARE ALL THE MONKEYS?

OOF!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT LANGUAGE THEY SPEAK IN CANADA?

- HEY THERE, BILLY. - HEY THERE, IRWIN.

ARE YOU READY TO GIVE YOUR HISTORY REPORT?

- HA HA HA! NO. TOO BUSY WATCHING TELEVISION.

- ME, TOO!

[LAUGHING]

- YEAH. WE WERE TOO BUSY EATING PIE TO STUDY.

[LAUGHTER]

- HEY THERE, PINHEAD.

MANDY! ARE YOU READY TO GIVE YOUR HISTORY REPORT?

- HA! YEAH, RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]

[THUNDER]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

- COOL!

HEE HEE HEE!

HA HA HA!

- AAH!

- HEE HEE HEE!

[SNORING]

- AAH!

- HEE HEE HEE.

SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT. HEE HEE HEE.

- OK, GRIM. WHEN THE RAINBOW APPEARS,

YOU TAKE ME TO THE END,

AND WE SHAKE DOWN THE LEPRECHAUNS FOR THEIR GOLD.

- [WHISTLING]

- HEY, DUDES. UH, WHAT'S UP?

- WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, BILLY?

- OH, JUST...THIS!

- OUCH.

- I ZAPPED GRIM! I ZAPPED GRIM!

- YES, YES, YOU ZAPPED ME.

NOW TAKE YOUR STINKY STATIC-CHARGED HANDS OFF MY SCYTHE.

HELP ME PULL MYSELF TOGETHER

BEFORE MY ASH GETS WASHED AWAY.

- SO WHERE'D BILLY GO?

- THE SCYTHE WAS OVERLOADED BY ALL THAT STATIC ELECTRICITY

AND SENT BILLY TO THE GREAT BEYOND.

OH, THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS FROM TIME TO TIME.

IT'S NO BIGGIE.

- SHOULD WE GO TO THE UNDERWORLD--

I DON'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS--

AND TRY TO BRING HIM BACK?

- THE UNDERWORLD? MANDY, PLEASE.

THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT GREAT BEYONDS,

AND BILLY COULD HAVE BEEN SUCKED INTO ANY ONE OF THEM.

WE'D BE MUCH BETTER OFF GOING BACK TO YOUR HOUSE

AND ORDERING A PIZZA.

- OK, THEN.

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AAH!

- GREAT. THIS IS THE STIFF THAT BILLY REPLACED

IN THE GREAT BEYOND.

- UGH!

- YAY! SPRINKLER!

- GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU FILTHY KID.

- AAH! AAH!

[MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- APPARENTLY, HE HAS A DECIDED DISLIKE

FOR TOPIARY.

- QUITE.

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- THIS IS GOING TO BE A PAPERWORK NIGHTMARE.

- SO, HOW DO WE FIND BILLY?

- PBBT!

- HI, PONY!

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

HI, PONY.

DID YOU COME TO HELP ME?

OH. SHOULD I GRAB YOUR TAIL?

- AHEM. WELCOME TO ASGARD, BRAVE AND MIGHTY NORSEMAN.

HAVE YOU TRAVELED FAR?

- I LIKE PONIES. VANILLA?

- TAKEN A FEW TOO MANY KNOCKS TO THE OLD MELON, HAVE WE?

NOT TO WORRY. WE SEE A LOT OF THAT HERE IN ASGARD.

- COME, LITTLE BRAIN-ADDLED NORSEMAN.

LET ME SHOW YOU YOUR NEW HOME.

ASGARD.

THESE ARE THE VALKYRIES

IN THE FOUNTAINS OF BUBBLING NECTAR.

- WHA--WHAT? WHO?

- AS A NORSEMAN OF ASGARD,

YOU HAVE UNLIMITED ACCESS TO THE FOUNTAIN.

[GULPING]

- COOL! IT'S ROOT BEER.

[BURP]

[SLURPING]

[GULPING]

- COME, YOUNG NORSEMAN.

[GULPING]

THERE IS MUCH MORE TO BEHOLD.

[BURP]

- DIDN'T YOU SAY I HAD UNLIMITED ACCESS

TO THE FOUNTAIN?

- YES, BUT--

- BUT NOTHING! I AM STILL ACCESSING.

[GULPING]

- OH.

- [GIGGLING]

- WELL, I GUESS A LITTLE BREAK WON'T HURT.

[CUCKOO CLOCK]

- ODIN WILL HAVE MY HEAD ON A PIKE.

SURELY A WARRIOR WITH SUCH A MIGHTY THIRST

MUST HAVE A HUNGER TO MATCH.

- FOOD? WELL, THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY.

- YOU GET TO EAT IN ODIN'S HALL--

VALHALLA!

[MEN GRUMBLING]

- IN VALHALLA, YOU FIND FOOD LIKE YOU'VE ONLY DREAMED OF.

PORK THAT LITERALLY MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH.

LAMB THAT FALLS OFF THE BONE SO TENDER,

A TOOTHLESS BABY COULD CHEW IT.

ALL THIS IS YOURS TO SHARE WITH YOUR--

WHERE DID HE GO?

- HA HA HA!

I THINK HE UNDERSTANDS.

- [GULPING AND CHEWING]

- LET'S HOPE HE IS AS SAVAGE A FIGHTER

AS HE IS AN EATER.

- FIGHTING IS WRONG.

[CHEWING]

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE CAN GET SCRAPED KNEES.

[LAUGHTER]

- I AM ODIN.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE A FEW MEMBERS

OF THE NORSE PANTHEON

WHO WILL HELP YOU SETTLE IN HERE.

- UH, JUST--JUST A SECOND.

OK.

- MY SON THOR, GOD OF THUNDER.

LOKI THE PRANKSTER.

LOKI, CUT IT OUT.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME.

- [HUMMING]

- HEY! OH, THAT'S HOW YOU WANT TO PLAY?

BRING IT, CHUMP.

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- TEASE.

- MOM, GRIM AND I WILL TAKE IT FROM HERE.

- OK, HONEY.

- HAVE YOUR LITTLE FRIEND PUT AWAY MY MOP

WHEN HE'S DONE PLAYING.

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- NORSE WARRIORS WERE AN UNRULY LOT, TO SAY THE LEAST.

YUCK.

NORSE WARRIORS CAN BE QUITE FIERCE.

IT WOULD BE UNWISE TO STAND BETWEEN A NORSEMAN

AND SOMETHING HE WANTS.

- AAH!

- EVIDENTLY, IT'S ALSO UNWISE

TO STAND NEXT TO SOMETHING HE WANTS.

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- HE'S A BRUTE.

- HE'S JUST OUT OF HIS ELEMENT.

- YOU THINK?

[CHEWING AND GULPING]

- UH, WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO KEEP HIM OCCUPIED.

WHAT DO NORSEMAN DO FOR FUN?

- FISTFIGHT, PILLAGE VILLAGES.

THAT SORT OF THING.

- IN LOCAL NEWS, A MAN'S PRIZED TOPIARY

WAS SAVAGELY ATTACKED.

- OH, THERE YOU ARE, BILLY.

YOUR MOM'S ALMOST GOT DINNER READY.

COME ON IN.

NOW THERE'S A BOY WITH AN APPETITE.

- OH!

I COULDN'T EAT ANOTHER BITE.

WELL, MAYBE ONE MORE BITE.

UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH! UGH!

HEE HEE HEE!

- BATTLE TIME.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN VALHALLA.

YOU FEAST TILL YOU'RE READY TO BURST,

THEN YOU GO TO THE COURTYARD AND FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

- WHAT A PAIN IN THE NECK.

- AAH!

WHAT IS YOUR NEED,

MY NEW AND GLUTTONOUS LITTLE BROTHER?

- YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO SETTLE YOUR PROBLEMS

BY FIGHTING.

THEY CAN BE SOLVED BY TALKING THINGS OUT,

OR BY BUYING EXPENSIVE GIFTS.

[ARROWS FALL]

- UH, ARE YOU OK?

YOU DON'T LOOK SO HOT.

YOU'RE NOT RESPECTING MY PERSONAL SPACE!

UGH!

- SEE, BILLY, THERE'S NO PROBLEM HERE.

WE FIGHT FOR FUN IN VALHALLA,

AND IF WE ARE SLAIN,

WE END UP BACK HERE IN THE FEAST HALL.

- COOL! LET'S EAT!

- HEY! MY BRAIN WAS IN THERE!

- PUT ME IN THE FREEZER.

- YOUNG MAN,

YOU CAN BE RUDE, BREAK FURNITURE,

RUN UP PHONE BILLS, SHAVE THE CAT,

AND EVEN HARASS YOUR MOTHER,

BUT WHEN YOU TOUCH THE POMP,

IT'S GO TIME!

- SEE, HAROLD? I TOLD YOU IT WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA

FOR BILLY TO HAVE DOUGHNUTS 3 TIMES A DAY.

- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- WELL, THAT COVERS ELYSIUM, SHANG TI, AND LOWER HECK,

AND STILL NO BILLY TO BE FOUND.

- DID YOU LEARN NOTHING IN NIRVANA, MANDY?

BILLY IS EVERYWHERE.

HE'S IN THE BIRDS, IN THE TREES, IN YOUR SOCKS.

- HOW ABOUT YOU PUT A SOCK IN YOUR CAKE HOLE

WHILE I FIGURE OUT WHERE WE ARE?

- COULD YOU TELL US WHERE WE ARE?

- YOU'RE IN ASGARD.

- ANY SIGN OF A KID WITH A BIG NOSE AND A BASEBALL CAP?

- BIT SOFT IN THE NOGGIN?

- BINGO.

- NO. I BELIEVE HIS NAME IS BILLY.

- LET'S GO COLLECT OUR MISCREANT.

- THE FOUNTAINS ARE RESERVED FOR RESIDENTS.

- [SHOUTING]

- AAH!

- GRIM! MANDY!

THIS IS JUST LIKE A VIDEO GAME, ONLY IT HURTS.

HEE HEE HEE!

I THINK THAT WAS A HOME RUN.

- BILLY, YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.

- IT'S NOT YOUR TIME YET, BILLY.

- SURE FEELS LIKE MY TIME.

- HE DOES HAVE QUITE THE ARM.

- YEP.

- COME ON. LET'S FIND OUT WHO'S IN CHARGE AROUND HERE.

HELLO? COULD WE GET SOME HELP?

- NO!

- YOU'RE GONNA LET THAT SHRIMP RUN ROUGHSHOD OVER YOU?

- THE KID IS TOO DARN GOOD.

- DADDY, HE TOOK MY HAMMER, AND I JUST HAD IT CLEANED.

- THERE, THERE, MY BOY.

- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

- IT'S TIME I PUT ME BONY FOOT DOWN.

EXCUSE ME. PARDON.

NOW SEE HERE, YOUNG MAN.

YOU'RE GOING TO PUT DOWN THAT HAMMER AND--

- HEE HEE HEE HA HA!

- HOW'S, UH, BILLY?

- THEY DON'T SEEM TO NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE.

[VIDEO GAME PLAYING]

- AAH!

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS,

IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.

- HEY, BILLY, WANT TO GO FOR ICE CREAM?

- OOH!

- SO DID BILLY

CONQUER ALL OF ASGARD,

AND HAVING NO FURTHER CONCERN,

HE ATE MANY CHICKENS AND DRANK MUCH SODA.

HONOR AND FEAR WERE HEAPED UPON HIS NAME.

IN TIME, HE BECAME A KING BY HIS OWN HAND,

BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE