Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- [LAUGHING]

- IMPERIAL.

- AHH.

- HEE HEE HEE!

GOSH, GRIM,

THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE SIZE OF A GOLF BALL.

- QUIET, BILLY.

REMEMBER, BE THE GOLF BALL.

- RIGHT.

I AM A GOLF BALL. I AM A GOLF BALL.

OH, WHAT A GOLF BALL I AM.

AAH!

-[SIGH]

I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

- HEH! TWEET, TWEET, BIRD DUDES!

- I THINK YOU JUST HIDEOUSLY MAIMED SOME POOR DUMB SPECTATOR.

NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

- PLAY THROUGH.

- [GROAN]

- HOLD STILL AND GO LONG, MAN.

I'M PLAYING THROUGH.

YOU DIG?

- [GASP] - HOLD IT, GRIM.

BACK UP.

THAT'S NIGEL PLANTER FROM WEASLETHORPE HOUSE.

- [GRUNTING]

- SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT TOADBLATT SCHOOL OF SORCERY RIGHT NOW?

- NO!

I CAN'T STAY THERE ANYMORE.

DURING THE SUMMER OR ON WEEKENDS,

I HAVE TO LIVE HERE ON MY GODFATHER'S GOLF COURSE

LIKE A COMMON GOPHER

BECAUSE I'M BEING HUNTED BY THE DARKEST, MOST EVIL WIZARD

EVER TO WALK THE FACE OF THE EARTH--

LORD MOLDYBUTT.

THE MERE MENTION OF HIS NAME CAUSES THINGS TO...BREAK.

- LORD MOLDYBUTT?

- DON'T KEEP SAYING THAT!

- SAYING WHAT?

- LORD MOLDYBUTT!

MAN, HE'S GOT ME FLOUNDERING ABOUT LIKE--LIKE...

YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.

- WHAT'S IN IT FOR US?

- YEAH!

- HOW ABOUT SOME JELLY BEANS THAT TASTE LIKE TOILET?

- WE'RE IN!

SO, AH, WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO?

- I WANT YOU GUYS TO COME BACK WITH ME TO SORCERY SCHOOL...

AND BE MY PROTECTION FROM YOU-KNOW-WHO.

- LORD MOLDYBUTT?

- I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT NAME!

- WHAT NAME? - LORD MOLDYBUTT!

UH, WE SHOULD GO.

- WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

- HOLY CRUD.

- YOU'VE DONE IT THIS TIME, BUSTERS.

YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS ONE.

YOU'VE BROKEN THE RULES.

SCORCHING THE DEAN'S BOOKCASE,

LEAVING A GAPING HOLE INTO SOME WEIRDO DIMENSION,

TRACKING DIRT ON MY CARPET!

THAT'S IT. YOU'RE OUT.

I AM GONNA FRY YOUR-- NIGEL PLANTER?

- UH, HELLO, DEAN TOADBLATT, SIR.

SORRY TO DROP IN ON YOU LIKE THIS,

UNANNOUNCED AND ALL.

HEH. HEH.

- NONSENSE, MY BOY. DON'T BE SILLY.

MY DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN TO YOU, NIGEL.

I JUST WANT YOU TO ENJOY THE HECK OUT OF WHAT IS LIKELY TO BE

YOUR LAST SEMESTER HERE AT TOADBLATT'S.

- LAST SEMESTER?

- WHAT WITH YOUR IMPENDING DEMISE AND ALL.

OK, TOADBLATT, WHAT GIVES?

I THOUGHT YOU TWO DESPISED EACH OTHER.

- YEAH!

- THAT'S ALL WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE.

WE MUST BE ESPECIALLY NICE TO MR. PLANTER.

AFTER ALL, IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE LORD WHAT'S-HIS-NAME GETS AHOLD OF HIM AND...

- YOU MEAN LORD MOLDYBUTT?

- BINGO.

[HOOTS]

- THAT CREEPY OLD DEAN TOADBLATT REALLY FREAKED ME OUT.

- MAN, DON'T BE BUGGING.

WHEN YOUR TIME HAS COME, YOUR TIME HAS COME.

SO YOU MAY AS WELL GET SOME SLEEP.

[SNORING]

[HOOTING]

- [TEETH CHATTERING]

- THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF, YOU WORM.

WE HAVE EVERYTHING COVERED.

BILLY, YOU TAKE THE FIRST WATCH.

BILLY? BILLY?

- RIGHT! I'M ALL OVER IT, MANDY.

- I'LL BE RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR

IF YOU NEED ME.

AND, BILLY, BE CAREFUL WITH THAT MAGIC WAND.

- WHAT COULD HAPPEN? HEE HEE HEE!

[GASP]

- KEEP YOUR MITTS OFF ME GOLD.

- [GROWLING]

- YOW!

- [YIP]

A PUPPY.

OOH! SUCH A GOOD DOGGY!

OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!

HE'S A GOOD BOY.

I'M GONNA CALL YOU WINKY.

OOH. OOH. OOH.

YOU LIKE THAT.

OOH, YEAH! DON'T YOU, WINKY?

YOU LIKEY THAT, DON'T YOU?

WHO WANTS A TUMMY SCRATCH?

YEAH!

- LORD MOLDY--

- LISTEN UP GOOD, PLANTER.

STAY AWAY FROM THE CHAMBER POT OF SECRETS

OR ELSE.

- OR ELSE WHAT?

WHEN DID WEASLETHORPE GET A MOAT FILLED WITH CROCODILES?

- NICE TOUCH, DON'T YOU THINK?

- VERY EFFECTIVE,

BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE CHAMBER POT OF SECRETS IS.

AAH!

- IT'S IN THE DEAN'S OFFICE, BEHIND THE--

WAIT. NO.

I MEAN, UH, NEVER MIND THAT!

JUST STAY AWAY!

- BUT WHAT'S IN THE CHAMBER POT OF SECRETS, ANYWAY?

- IT'S A SECRET, WISE GUY!

I'LL THROTTLE YOU!

- DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING, WINKY?

[BARKING]

- LORD MOLDYBUTT.

- CURSED KIDS.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, NIGEL PLANTER.

HA HA HA!

AAH! OOH!

AAH! OOH!

- HMM.

SOME KIND OF WEIRD POWDER.

- MAGIC POWDER?

- I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I'LL BET IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO

WITH THE CHAMBER POT OF SECRETS.

[BILLY SNEEZES]

- I THINK WINKY NEEDS A CHAMBER POT.

- EWW.

SAY GOOD-BYE TO WINKY, BILLY.

- AWW.

- BILLY, YOU STICK WITH NIGEL WHILE HE GOES TO SCHOOL.

WE'LL BE ALONG SHORTLY.

- I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, BILLY.

I CAN'T EAT, I CAN'T SLEEP,

AND I'M GETTING A RASH ON MY TOCHIS.

- I MISS WINKY.

- ALL BECAUSE OF A STINKY OLD CHAMBER POT.

MEANWHILE, LORD WHAT'S-HIS-NAME COULD BE ANYWHERE.

- LORD MOLDYBUTT.

- STOP SAYING THAT, BILLY!

KEEP A LOOKOUT, BILLY, WHILE I OPEN MY LOCKER.

- I GOT YOUR BACK, DUDE.

NOTHING GETS BY ME.

WA-WHAA! OOH!

- [GASP]

- OOH! OOH! WAH!

- YOU'LL STAY AWAY FROM THE CHAMBER POT OF SECRETS, MR. PLANTER,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

IS THAT CLEAR, MR. PLANTER?

- BUT...BUT...

- NO BUTS!

- NOPE. NO SIGN OF LORD MOLDYBUTT.

- I WANT YOU TO WAIT OUTSIDE THIS DOOR

WHILE I GO TO VOODOO CLASS.

KEEP A LOOKOUT FOR YOU-KNOW-WHO.

- LORD MOLDY--

HEE HEE HEE! BUTT.

[SIGH]

WINKY.

[WHISTLING]

WINKY!

- TODAY, CLASS, I WILL DEMONSTRATE

HOW TO REALLY STICK IT TO THE OTHER GUY

WITH A LITTLE VOODOO ACUPUNCTURE.

FIRST, WE'RE GOING TO NEED A VOLUNTEER.

ANYBODY?

- AAH!

[PUNCHES]

- AND STAY AWAY FROM THE CHAMBER POT OF SECRETS.

- MR. PLANTER, GOOD SHOW.

NOW, EVERYONE, TAKE OUT YOUR DOLL,

AND PUT THE FIRST NEEDLE HERE.

- YOW!

- HOO, HOO, HOO.

- OWL MAIL?

- HOO, HOO, HOO.

- MR. PLANTER,

IT SEEMS YOU'RE WANTED IN THE DEAN'S OFFICE.

- CRIMINY! I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING--

I'M GOING. I'M GOING.

- [LAUGHTER]

- AAH!

- [BARKING]

- I REGRET TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU THIS, MR. PLANTER,

BUT OUR SCHOOL CAN NO LONGER BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR SAFETY,

AND FRANKLY, MY BOY,

I THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED

IF YOU COULD PACK YOUR BAGS AND GO.

- GOSH. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

- OF COURSE I'M RIGHT.

WE WILL MISS YOU.

- GET A ROOM, SISSY.

HA HA HA!

- YOU. YOU--YOU-- YOU CAN'T BE REAL.

- OH, I'M REAL, ALL RIGHT.

[GLASS BREAKS]

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT I FOUND IN THE CHAMBER POT OF SECRETS?

- OOH! WAS IT A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

FULL OF BABY NINJAS?

- NO, BILLY!

I FOUND THIS CHEESY COSTUME.

- CHEESY? AWW.

- THE SAME COSTUME THAT TOADBLATT'S BEEN USING

TO TERRIFY NIGEL.

- BUT--

- HOW DID I FIND OUT?

THAT NIGHT YOU CAME TO WEASLETHORPE,

YOU LEFT A FINE DUST ON THE WINDOWSILL

WHEN YOU MADE YOUR ESCAPE.

- YEAH? SO?

- THE KIND OF DUST THAT ONLY COMES FROM...

A CHEAP LATEX MASK.

PLUS I DISCOVERED HAIR AT THE CRIME SCENE.

CLOSER ANALYSIS REVEALED IT TO BE TO TOAD HAIR.

COOPERATING WITH LOCAL AUTHORITIES,

I COLLECTED FINGERPRINTS AND DNA FROM NIGEL'S BED.

THE FBI CRIME LAB IN QUANTICO, VIRGINIA,

CONFIRMED WITH 100% CERTAINTY

THAT DEAN TOADBLATT WAS THE CULPRIT.

- [COUGHS]

A LITTLE AIR.

- AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, TOO,

IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS

AND YOUR STUPID DOG.

- ARF! - YEAH!

I DID IT!

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY

TO GET RID OF THAT ROTTEN NIGEL--

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT?

- HEY, I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH MY WAND.

DON'T YOU THINK SO, ANGEL FACE?

- AND I'M NOT BAD WITH A CLUB, GREASE BALL.

- AT LEAST YOU WON'T HAVE LORD WHAT'S-HIS-NAME

TO WORRY ABOUT ANYMORE.

- [PANTING]

- LORD MOLDY--AAH!

- EH. SLICED IT.

- HECK, I KNEW ALL ALONG

THERE WAS NO REAL LORD MOLDYBUTT.

[WHISTLES]

- YOU THINK I'M NOT REAL?

SOON YOU'LL SEE THE TRUE POWER OF LORD MOLDYBUTT!

HA HA HA!

UH, A LITTLE HELP HERE.

- [SIGH]

- HI, HONEYS. I'M HOME.

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING?

- KNOCKING HOLES IN THE WALL.

- YOU DO REALIZE THAT YOU'RE WATCHING STATIC?

- YEAH.

- I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

MY CLIENTS ARE MORE LIVELY THAN YOU TWO.

- TV BROKEN?

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- THERE WILL BE NO MORE TELEVISION...

AND NO MORE BANGING ON THE STUPID WALL.

- [SOBBING]

- WHAT ELSE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?

- UH...

EH...

WE'RE GOING TO THE CIRCUS.

IT'S THE GREATEST SHOW UNDER EARTH.

WE'RE HERE, KIDS.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- EH? - AAH!

- WHOA!

OH, UH, SO THESE TWO MUST BE PART OF THE FREAK SHOW.

- HA HA HA!

ACTUALLY...

ACTUALLY, YES.

THESE TWO ARE FREAKS, AND I AM THEIR MANAGER.

- BUT WE'RE NOT--

- [GRUNTS]

THEY'RE JUST SENSITIVE ABOUT BEING CALLED FREAKS.

- ALL RIGHT. GET IN THERE.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

CREEPS AND CREEPERS, GHOSTS AND GHOULS,

GET READY FOR THE CIRCUS OF FEAR!

- YAY! YAY!

- AND NOW PUT YOUR TENTACLES TOGETHER

FOR TONGUE-TWISTING TERROR AT 200 MILES PER HOUR--

THE TONGUE TWINS!

AND THE GUY WHO MAKES THINGS HAPPEN

IN NO TIME FLAT--

ROADKILL WILL!

- OH, YEAH! YEAH!

- AND NEXT, SHE'S ALL LEGS--

LEGGY PEGGY!

- WHOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

- BONEHEAD.

AND FINALLY, THE MOST DISTURBING THING YOU COULD SEE

IN THE UNDERWORLD,

A REAL LIVING HUMAN BOY!

- ♪ I GOT SOME STRINGS TO HOLD ME DOWN ♪

- WHO DO THEY THINK THEY'RE FOOLING?

- AAH!

A HUMAN!

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE NIGHT,

NOW FOR THE EVENT THAT YOU ALL CAME OUT TO SEE...

- [YAWN]

- CLORTHO, BEASTMASTER OF THE SEVENTH REALM.

[GROWLING]

HAP HAP! HAP!

HAP HAP! HEP!

[BELCH]

- [CHEERING]

- [YAWN]

- THANK YOU. THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS.

AND NOW, THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE.

MY LITTLE PETS WILL CLIMB TO THE HEAVENS....

HEP! HEP!

AND DIVE DOWN INTO THIS TINY GLASS OF WATER.

- OOH.

- DELICIOUS.

AHH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANKS MUCH.

YOU'RE A LOVELY AUDIENCE.

TRY THE VEAL.

I'LL BE HERE TILL TUESDAY.

- CAN WE GO HOME NOW?

- YAY! YEAH! YEAH!

WHOO HOO HOO! YEAH! YEAH!

YEE-HAH!

- REAL...LIVE HUMANS?

- WOW! THAT WAS SO COOL!

- HOW'S THE TAKE TODAY, JOE?

- UH...NOT SO GOOD, BOSS.

- DRA-HA-HA-HA-AT!

IF ONLY I HAD SOME REAL FREAKS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

MONSTERS WOULD PAY ANYTHING TO SEE REAL...

UH, UH, HUMAN CHILDREN.

WAIT UP!

GRIM, MY OLD FRIEND.

- DO I KNOW YOU?

- I SO HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY PERFORMANCE.

MY, WHAT LOVELY CHILDREN.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A FAMILY MAN.

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR THEM?

- HMM.

[SMACK]

OUCH.

UH...SORRY, CLORTHO.

THE KIDS ARE NOT FOR SALE.

- AH...SURE. OK.

I UNDERSTAND.

SO...

YOU THINK YOU CAN STEAL AWAY MY STARS, EH, GRIM?

WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT.

WE'LL SEE.

[LAUGHING]

- HOO HOO HOO!

ALREADY-CHEWED GUM.

[PANTING]

UNH!

- WELL, AT LEAST IT KEPT BILLY BUSY.

HEY. WHERE IS THAT DORK?

- [PANTING]

- [SIGH]

COME ON, DORK BAIT.

IF YOU'RE LATE FOR DINNER AGAIN,

YOUR MOM WILL GUT YOU LIKE A TROUT.

- OOPS.

- [GRUNTING]

- SURPRISE!

YOU'LL MAKE AN EXCELLENT ADDITION TO MY LITTLE CIRCUS.

YOU KIDS ARE DISGUSTING, ALWAYS REEKING OF...

[SNIFFS]

POPCORN AND LOLLIPOPS.

- WHAT COULD BE TAKING THAT GIRL SO LONG?

I'M GOING TO MISS ME PROGRAMS.

OHH.

HEY, NOW. WHAT'S THIS?

BILLY'S SHOE?

OH, MY GOSH.

CLORTHO MUST HAVE CAPTURED THEM.

HA HA HA!

- IT'S TIME FOR YOU BRATS TO BEGIN YOUR TRAINING.

FIRST, YOU, BILLY.

HEP HEP! HEP HEP!

HEP! HEP HEP!

HEP! HEP!

HEP! HEP!

HEP! HEP! HEP!

HEP! HEPA!

- WOOF!

[PANTING]

- AND NOW IT'S YOUR TURN, MY LITTLE BUTTERCUP.

HEP!

- BACK OFF.

- AAH!

THAT'LL BE ALL FOR TODAY.

- HONEYS! I'M HOME!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- KNOCKING HOLES IN THE TABLE.

- WHERE'S BILLY?

- I DON'T KNOW.

- LISTEN, MISTER.

IF BILLY ISN'T BACK BY DINNER, THERE WILL BE GRIM CONSEQUENCES.

- [SHRIEK]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME TO THE CIRCUS OF FEAR.

TONIGHT WE'RE PROUD TO PRESENT REAL LIVE HUMANS

BILLY AND MANDY!

- SO, I WAS RIGHT.

BUT MAYBE I SHOULD RESCUE THEM AFTER THE PERFORMANCE.

IT'S TIME THEY ENTERTAIN ME.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GHOULS,

PLEASE JOIN ME IN WELCOMING REAL LIVE HUMANS

BILLY AND MANDY!

- [CHEERING]

- [GASPING]

- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[BRRAAPP]

- YAY, BILLY!

- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- [BARKING]

[GROWLING]

- AAH!

- [SCREAMING]

- PLEASE CALM DOWN, EVERYONE.

DON'T PANIC.

EVERYTHING'S-- YOU LITTLE BRAT.

PUT THAT DOWN NOW!

- I DON'T THINK SO.

- CLORTHO WAS DR. FEAR ALL ALONG?

- NOT EXACTLY.

- EH! MY MOM'S DR. FEAR?

- ERIS IS DR. FEAR'S MOM?

- NO, BILLY. DR. FEAR IS A COMMON EARTHWORM.

- JUST AS I SUSPECTED.

- I DON'T GET IT.

HOW THE HECK CAN HE BE AN EARTHWORM?

- BILLY, IF YOU PAID ATTENTION AT ALL,

IT WOULD BE OBVIOUS THAT HE'D BEEN AN EARTHWORM ALL ALONG.

- BUT I--

- SHE'S RIGHT, BILLY.

YOU'RE JUST DUMB.

- I'M SO GLAD THINGS ARE FINALLY BACK TO NORMAL.

HEP! HEP!

- [INHALES]

[BARKING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

- [MUFFLED BACKWARD VOICES]