Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- [LAUGHING]

- HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE FIRE, SCARECROW?

- [SNORING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[GROANS]

HELLO?

- HI, MANDY!

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS,

BUT I JUST ATE

18 1/2 CREAM-FILLED ATOMIC FRENZY CAKES!

AND, AND...

WAIT A SECOND...

[GOBBLING]

19!

19 CREAM-FILLED ATOMIC FRENZY CAKES!

[PANTING]

- AND NOW YOU CAN'T SLEEP AGAIN,

AND YOU WON'T STOP BUGGING ME

UNTIL I READ YOU A BEDTIME STORY...

AGAIN!

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

- [GROWLING]

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

COME ON, GRIM!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

- 18 1/2 ATOMIC FRENZY CAKES.

- 19.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH!

[HAWKS]

- BILLY, I--

- SHH!

READ US A BEDTIME STORY.

- YEAH, COME ON, MANDY.

WE MIGHT AS WELL HEAR A STORY.

- ONCE UPON A TIME...

THE END!

- NO!

- NOT TO WORRY, BOYS.

I'VE GOT SOME BEDTIME STORIES OF MY OWN.

- [GASPING]

- HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL.

HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL.

THE GREATEST FALL OF ALL.

A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GREAT FALL.

AND HE FELL AND FELL...

AND FELL.

- [SCREAMING]

- ALL THE KING'S HORSES

AND ALL THE KING'S MEN

AND THE STARVING VILLAGERS...

HAD EGGS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER

AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

NOW, GO TO SLEEP.

- HEY!

STORIES ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE HAPPY ENDINGS.

- SO?

- SO?

[GASPS]

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

ONCE UPON A TIME,

THERE WAS...

A HAPPY VILLAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

CALLED...

HAPPY NOWHERE VILLAGE.

NOW, EVERYONE WAS HAPPY THERE

EXCEPT AN OLD TREE WIZARD NAMED CHUCK.

OH, AND HIS PET POMERANIAN NAMED...

BENJAMIN.

- [BARKING]

- NOW, CHUCK WASN'T INVITED TO

ANY HAPPY NOWHERE VILLAGE PARTIES

BECAUSE HE WAS EVIL AND MEAN.

OH, AND, AND, AND SMELLY!

AND, AND HE HAD ORAL GUM DISEASE

'CAUSE HE DIDN'T FLOSS.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, AND HE WAS A 906-POUND GIANT!

- [BARKING]

- ONE DAY, CHUCK DECIDED TO CAST AN EVIL SPELL

ON THE HAPPY VILLAGERS.

BUT THEY ALL LOOKED SO HAPPY

THAT CHUCK CHANGED HIS MIND AT THE LAST MINUTE...

AND DECIDED TO MAKE THEM ORIGAMI GIRAFFES INSTEAD--

WHICH MADE THE VILLAGERS EVEN HAPPIER.

- [OOHING]

- WHICH MADE CHUCK HAPPY.

- [LAUGHING]

- SO HAPPY THAT HE DECIDED TO TURN THEIR MAN-MADE LAKE

INTO SOLID GOLD!

- [GIGGLING]

- WHICH MADE THE HAPPY VILLAGERS FILTHY RICH!

SO, THEY BUILT BIGGER HOUSES...

BOUGHT FANCY HOME THEATER SYSTEMS

FROM THE FUTURE,

GOT THEIR TEETH FIXED,

AND GOT BENJAMIN'S VOCAL CORDS REMOVED.

[NO AUDIO]

NEVER WAS THERE A HAPPIER VILLAGE

OF BILLIONAIRE FRIENDS.

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVERY AFTER.

[SNIFFLES] THE END.

- GREAT, NOW GO TO BED.

- HOLD ON, MANDY.

I GOT A STORY, TOO.

BEHOLD THE SUPERNATURAL STORYBOOK OF THE UNDERWORLD.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SUPERNATURAL"?

- YOU'LL SEE SOON ENOUGH.

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE LIVED TWO HUNGRY CHILDREN

NAMED HANSEL...

- WHAT?!

- AND GRETAL.

- OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

- NOW, I WARN YOU TWO,

ONCE THE STORY HAS BEGUN, IT MUST BE FINISHED.

SO, STICK WITH THE STORY AS I TELL IT OR ELSE.

- WHATEVER, GRIM.

IF THIS IS THE STORY OF "HANSEL AND GRETAL,"

THEN ALL WE WANT TO DO IS EAT THE STUPID GINGERBREAD HOUSE.

- GOOD!

NOW, HANSEL AND GRETAL WERE HUNGRY MOUNTAIN CHILDREN

WHO WENT INTO THE WOODS TO...TO...

HEY, WHERE'S BILLY?!

BILLY?!

BILLY?!

BILLY?!

- [BAA]

- OH, THERE YOU ARE.

I TOLD YOU TO STICK WITH THE STORY

OF "HANSEL AND GRETAL."

- OH, YOU MEAN THE STORY OF THE TWO STARVING KIDS

WHO GO TO THE WOODS TO FIND SOME FOOD

AND GET FATTENED UP BY A NICE OLD LADY

IN A GINGERBREAD HOUSE, BUT THEN IT TURNS OUT

THAT THE NICE OLD LADY IS REALLY A MEAN OLD WITCH

WHO JUST WANTED TO FATTEN UP THE KIDS

SO SHE COULD EAT THEM?

BUT...

THE KIDS GIVE HER THE SLIP AT THE LAST MINUTE

AND GET AWAY AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER?

- WELL, UH...

YES.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'D LOVE TO, BUT I CAN'T 'CAUSE MY NEW FRIEND

PINNOCHI-OCHI-OCHI-OCHI- OCHI-OCHI-OCHI-OCHIO

HAS ASKED ME FOR DINNER.

- [LAUGHS]

- WAIT, BILLY! NO!

- HEE HEE HEE!

- WELL, I BETTER GO GET HIM

BEFORE HE GETS INTO TROUBLE.

- OH, IT'S TOO LATE.

I TOLD YOU THE STORY ONCE BEGUN MUST BE FINISHED.

- BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

GET A GRIP.

- HEY, WHAT AM I GONNA EAT?

- THIS IS WHERE I WAS BORN.

IT'S A LOT OF FUN

'CAUSE THERE ARE LOTS OF TOYS AND CANDY.

- HEY, IS IT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT YOUR NOSE

GETS BIGGER WHEN YOU LIE?

- NO.

OH, HA HA HA.

- TEE HEE HEE HEE!

- [LAUGHING]

- GEE, PINNO...NUCHICHICUQUNA,

YOU SURE ARE FUNNY.

- FUNNY?

OH, THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT

BEING MADE OF WOOD.

- WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

- I SURE WISH I WAS A REAL BOY--

LIKE YOU.

- YA...

YEAH.

WELL...

I GOTTA GO.

- YEAH, AND THE ONLY WAY I CAN BECOME A REAL BOY

IS TO DEVOUR THE FLESH OF A REAL BOY.

[CLOCK TICKING]

CAN I PLEASE EAT YOUR FLESH?

- [GASPS]

OH, MANDY.

I NEED YOU!

- BILLY?

HAVE YOU SEEN A LITTLE LAUGHING BOY WITH A HUGE NOSE?

- HELLO!

I'M YOUR GRANDMA!

- 'BOUT YEA HIGH.

GOES BY THE NAME OF BILLY.

- DON'T YOU WANT TO COMPLIMENT MY PRETTY EYES?

THERE AS BIG AS DINNER PLATES.

- NO.

LOOK, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM OR NOT?

- WHAT ABOUT MY TEETH?

PRETTY CRAZY CHOPPERS FOR A GRANDMA, HUH?

COME TOUCH 'EM!

- DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A RED HOOD TO YOU?

- UH...

I'M COLOR BLIND.

HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW

YOUR OLD GRANDMA WAS COLOR BLIND?!

AFTER ALL THOSE SWEET SUMMER EVENINGS

WE SPENT BAKING COOKIES.

[SOBBING]

OH, I CHANGED YOU DIAPERS!

[WAILING]

- LOOK, IF I DON'T GET A BATHROOM BREAK

EVERY COUPLE OF HOURS,

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GONNA BE SORRY.

- HAVE EITHER OF YOU TWO SEEN A LITTLE BOY

NAMED BILLY AROUND HERE?

- BILLY?

BILLY.

YEAH, HE WENT THAT WAY.

- THANKS, LADY.

- [YELLING]

- YOU SEE, BILLY,

I WARNED YOU TO STICK WITH THE STORY.

- YEAH, BILLY.

HAVE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

ALWAYS FOLLOW THE RULES OR ELSE

PINNUTNETNICHIO WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.

- GOOD ENOUGH.

[CRASH]

- HEY, UH...

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

- SHUT UP.

LET'S GO, BILLY.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- BYE, PINNOLICHILABADU!

BEEN NICE KNOWING YA!

- WHAT A DARLING LITTLE CHAIR!

I HAVE JUST THE SPOT FOR YOU.

- NO, NO!

I'M NOT A CHAIR!

I'M PINNOCHIO!

NO!

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

[CRUNCH]

- OH, FUDGE!

- AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

LET'S GO HOME, BILLY. BILLY?

- [SNORING]

- ALL RIGHT, GRIM, TAKE US HOME.

GRIM?

- [SNORING]

- GRIM!

- [SNORING]

- SOMEDAY YOU WILL ALL PAY.

- [HOWLING]

- [GRUNTING]

- YOUR TIME HAS COME!

- NOT ON YOUR LIFE, CREEP!

- OW!

- [SCREAMING]

- [BEEPING AND GROWLING]

- BILLY,

YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN YOUR EYES

IF YOU KEEP DOING THAT.

COME ON, WE'RE LATE FOR SCHOOL.

- [SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- [SCREAMING]

- 5, 6, 7, 8...

9, 10!

[CHEERING]

IT'S A NEW SUN-STARE RECORD!

- AW, THAT'S NOTHING.

WANT TO SEE ME DO IT AGAIN?

8, 9...

22, 23...

1,405, 1,406...

1,407.

A KITTY!

COME HERE, LITTLE PUSS!

- RIB EYE, RIB EYE, WALLA WALLA!

- [SCREAMING]

- [GROANING]

THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE STINKIEST KITTY!

I NEED TO GO TO THE LITTLE BOYS ROOM

AND WASH UP.

- [SCREAMING]

[TEETH CHOMPING]

- [GRUNTING]

MAN, THOSE BOYS CAN BITE!

BOY, MANDY,

YOU'VE BEEN PACKING ON THE POUNDS LATELY.

[SCREAMING]

BOY, SOMETHING'S REALLY WRONG WITH THIS PIZZA.

- OH, REALLY?

I THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH YOUR EYES.

THAT'S THE VEAL SWEETBREADS.

- JUST A PIECE OF BAD PIZZA, THAT'S ALL.

I CAN SEE JUST FINE.

- HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?

- UH, 6? 3! NO, 12.

WAIT A MINUTE,

I TAKE THAT BACK.

74!

YOU NEED GLASSES.

- NO WAY!

GLASSES ARE FOR NERDS,

AND I AM NOT A NERD!

- HEY, BILLY,

WANT TO GO PLAY DUNGEONS AND DINOBINOIDS?

- YEAH!

I'LL GO GET MY 10-SIDED DICE!

- IT'S TIME FOR AN INTERVENTION.

- NO!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

DON'T DO THIS TO ME!

I BEG YOU!

NO!

HE'LL STEAL MY SOUL!

- WELL, IF HE DON'T, I GET SECOND DIBS.

- WHICH LOOKS BETTER,

NUMBER ONE OR NUMBER TWO?

NUMBER ONE OR--

- DR. CORNEA,

COULD WE PLEASE STOP SAYING "NUMBER ONE" AND "NUMBER TWO"?

I MAKES ME GOTTA PEE!

- SURE THING, BILLY.

I'M GOING TO RECOMMEND THAT YOU WEAR

CONTACT LENSES.

ONCE YOU GET USED TO THEM,

INSERTING CONTACT LENSES CAN BE AN ENJOYABLE PART

OF YOUR DAILY ROUTINE.

SIMPLY PLACE YOUR FINGERS AROUND THE EYE SOCKET

AND HOLD IT OPEN...

WHILE YOU GENTLY AFFIX YOUR CONTACT LENS

TO THE SURFACE OF YOUR EYE.

OW. AAAH!

SWEET GEORGIA BROWN, THAT STINGS!

OOH, THE PAIN!

THE PAIN OF IT ALL!

PIECE OF CAKE.

- [TEETH CHATTERING]

- WELL, THEN...

I GUESS MY ONLY OTHER ALTERNATIVE

WOULD BE CORRECTIVE LASER SURGERY.

- THAT'S SOUNDS FUN.

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S WHERE WE TAKE THIS LITTLE LASER BEAM,

AND WE ZAP YOUR EYES TILL YOU CAN SEE BETTER.

- THIS CALLS FOR DRASTIC MEASURES.

- [LAUGHING]

- YOU'RE GETTING THAT SURGERY.

- [SCREAMS]

- OH, NO! I'M GONNA DIE!

I'M GONNA DIE!

[SCREAMS GIBBERISH]

- THERE.

NOW, WAS THAT SO BAD?

- I CAN SEE.

I CAN SEE!

EVERYTHING IS SO CLEAR AND VIVID

AND MAGNIFICENT--

EVEN IRWIN!

HEY, IRWIN!

[GASPS]

- [WHISTLING]

- NO!

- WHAT ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT, BILLY?

- IRWIN, YOU--

I MEAN, YOU--

ARE YOU OK?

- OF COURSE I'M--

WHOA! AGH!

[GROANING]

- [SIREN BLARES]

- I'M SURE GLAD THAT WASN'T ME.

- YOU KNOW, PUD'N,

SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD HAPPENED

JUST BEFORE IRWIN--

- [ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

- [SCREAMS]

- WELL, SEE YA AROUND, WEIRDO.

I'M GOING TO THE ZOO.

- PUD'N'S PARENTS HAVE INFORMED ME

THAT DUE TO BEING TRAMPLED BY ELEPHANTS AT THE ZOO,

HE WON'T BE BACK TO SCHOOL FOR SOME TIME.

HOWEVER, THIS IS A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY

TO PRACTICE MAKING GET-WELL CARDS.

YOU'LL FIND GLUE, SCISSORS, AND PAPER ON YOUR DESKS.

- HEY, YOU GONNA SHARE THAT PASTE,

OR JUST EAT IT ALL AGAIN?

- [SCREAMS]

- WEIRDO.

- [GROANING]

[STRAINING]

- BILLY...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

- GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

- BILLY!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- OH, GRIM,

YOU GOTS TO LISTEN!

IT'S LIKE I'M SEEING THINGS--

BAD THINGS, MAN, HAPPENING TO PEOPLES.

AND MANDY'S HEAD--IT WAS ON A TABLE LIKE A DOILY.

AN ELEPHANT STEPPED ON PUD'N.

- HMM.

IT IS POSSIBLE MY MAGIC SURGERY

IS CAUSING YOU TO BE ABLE TO SEE INTO THE FUTURE.

FOR A SHORT WHILE, ANYWAY.

- GRIM, WHAT IS GOING ON?

- [SCREAMS]

[SOBBING]

OH, MANDY!

I WAS TOO LATE TO SAVE YOU!

- HUH?

OH, THIS.

I GOT CAST AS A TABLE IN THE SCHOOL PLAY.

IF YOU LAUGH, I'LL KILL YOU.

- YOU MEAN YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?

- THE REAL QUESTION IS: ARE YOU?

EVER SINCE GRIM ZAPPED YOUR EYES,

YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT.

WELL, MORE OF AN IDIOT.

GRIM, FIX HIM.

- WELL, I--

- ARE YOU CRAZY, MANDY?

I'M NOT LETTING HIM ZAP ME AGAIN.

SOMETHING WORSE MIGHT HAPPEN.

- COME BACK HERE!

- [GRUNTS]

- QUICK, GRIM,

ZAP HIS EYES BACK THE WAY THEY WERE.

- HOLD HIM STEADY THERE, MANDY.

- LET GO OF ME, MANDY.

LET GO! LET GO! LET GO!

- KIDS! KIDS!

STOP FIGHTING!

I CAN'T GET A CLEAR SHOT!

OH, WELL...

DO YOU THINK IT WORKED?

- ZAP HIM AGAIN JUST TO MAKE SURE.

- [SCREAMING]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

- [SPEAKING JAPANESE]

- HMM!

- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A THING YOU'RE SAYING!

MANDY?

GRIM?

- I FINALLY THINK HE'S BACK TO NORMAL.

- [GIGGLES]

- [SNARLS]

OH, SO YOU'RE LAUGHING AT ME?!

GIVE ME THAT!

YOU'RE TRYING TO MESS WITH ME,

AREN'T YOU, GRIM?

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LET YA!

YOU HEAR? I'M NOT GONNA LET YA!

- I ASSURE YOU

YOUR SUSPICIONS ARE COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED.

MANDY AND I ARE ONLY HERE TO HELP YOU.

- [YELLING GIBBERISH]

STAY AWAY FROM MY EYES!

- BILLY!

THIS IS MADNESS!

- [SCREAMING]

HAVE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, YOU CREEP!

AAH!

- [PANTING]

- I VOTE WE GO OUT FOR SMOOTHIES.

- AGREED.

- [YELLING GIBBERISH]

- I JUST WANTED MY 10-SIDED DICE BACK.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!

- THIS MADNESS HAS GOT TO STOP!

- [STRUGGLING]

- NOW HOLD STILL!

- HEY! LET GO OF ME, YOU CREEP!

[SCREAMING]

- THAT SHOULD DO IT.

OOPS!

- EW.

- WHAT?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

- [MUFFLED BACKWARD VOICES]