Original subtitles

- [LAUGHING]

♪♪♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

- IT'S CRUEL AND UNUSUAL.

- WELL, HAVING A SON IS FINALLY PAYING OFF.

TO BILLY AND IRWIN!

- HEY, GUYS!

- WOW.

I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT MANDY IS A GIRL.

- YEAH!

AND THIS IS A FATHER-SON PICNIC.

- OH, COME ON, GUYS.

SHE'S JUST ONE OF THE BOYS.

SEE?

HA HA!

BOYS!

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?

I HAVE NO SON!

[SOBBING]

- [SNIFFING]

SMELLS READY.

COMMANDER BILLY REPORTING FOR PRE-LAUNCH CHECKLIST, SIR!

E. COLI?

CHECK!

CAT HAIR?

- MEOW.

- CHECK!

AND SPECIAL SAUCE?

CHECK!

PREPARE FOR LAUNCH, PRIVATE IRWIN!

- AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

COMMENCING COUNTDOWN!

5...4...

- UH, 3...

- 2...

- 1!

FIRE!

- BILLY,

I THINK YOU DROPPED YOUR BRAIN.

- WHAT'S WRONG, MANDY?

NOT AFRAID OF A LITTLE DIRT, ARE YOU?

AAH!

- UH...

- DO YOU MIND!

- [SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING]

- FINALLY...

AFTER 7 HOURS OF CLEANING UP AFTER THEM BRATS,

EVERYTHING IS SPOTLESS.

HUH?

[FIRE ALARM BEEPING]

WHA!

[SOBBING]

- OH, OH, OH!

I HATE BUGS!

OH, MY GOSH!

WHAT IF I TURN INTO A BUG RIGHT NOW!

- LET'S DO A BUG TEST.

TELL ME THE FIRST THING THAT CRAWLS INTO YOUR LITTLE BRAIN.

LADY? - BUG.

- JUNE? - BUG!

- YO, SUCKA, DON'T BE...

- BUGGIN'!

- YEP, YOU'RE TURNING INTO A BUG.

- B-B-B-BUG!

OH.

THICK, BROWN WATER.

OH!

THE BURN MEANS IT'S WORKING.

I'M NOT GONNA TURN INTO A GIANT BUG

LIKE THAT FREAK JEFF!

- [KIDS CHATTERING]

- WOW.

WHO KNEW FATHERS AND SONS

COULD BE SO HAPPY?

[SIGHS]

IF ONLY I HAD A CHANCE TO SHOW MY DAD

WHAT A GREAT SON I TURNED OUT TO BE.

BUT ALL I HAVE TO REMEMBER HIM BY ARE THESE...

BABY PICTURES!

OH, DADDY.

- UCH!

I AM SO UNCLEAN!

- DAD?

- TAKE THAT, YOU DIRTY OLD BUGS!

YOU CAN KISS MY BUTT!

- KISS HIS BUTT!

THAT'S ALL HE WANTS?

A KISS ON THE BUTT?

HECK, I'LL KISS BOTH CHEEKS.

- [WHISTLING]

- [HEAVY BREATHING]

- [SHUDDERING]

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS]

STUPID SQUIRREL!

I WASN'T AFRAID.

[WHISTLING]

- HEY, DAD!

- HUH?

- I MADE YOU A CARD.

- [SCREAMS]

- ARE YOU OK?

IT'S ALL RIGHT, DAD.

IT'S ME, YOUR SON, JEFF!

HAPPY TO SEE ME?

- [WHIMPERING]

- HEY, DAD, ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT?

- [SHUDDERING]

[SCREAMING]

- NO, DAD! WAIT!

YOU CAN HAVE THE BUG.

OH, WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

- YOU'RE BEING TOO NICE.

- MANDY, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN BE TOO NICE.

I MEAN, MAYBE TOO FORGIVING,

BUT TOO NICE?

OOPS.

YOU DROPPED YOUR CANOPY.

- SEE?

TOO NICE.

LOOK, NICE GETS THEIR ATTENTION,

BUT MEAN PUTS THE HOOK IN THEM.

JUST LOOK AT IRWIN.

- HI, MINDY.

WHAT A LICK OF MY--

- OOPS!

LATER, LOSER.

- I LOVE YOU!

- WOW!

THAT'S ALL IT TAKES?

MANDY, I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME

TO STOP BEING SO NICE

AND START BEING MEAN, CRUEL, AND EVIL...

MORE LIKE YOU.

- I'LL DO IT FOR 100 BUCKS.

- 100 BUCKS?

WELL, FOR YOU...

200!

- MEET ME AT BILLY'S HOUSE AT 6 P.M.

AND BRING A BAD ATTITUDE.

- TAKE THIS, YOU GIANT SPIDER FREAK!

- YEAH! TAKE THAT, YOU SPIDER FREAK!

- OH, THIS GAME CHEATS SO BAD!

- THAT'S RIGHT, GRIM.

IT'S A CONSPIRACY.

- WHAT'S THAT, BONES?

YOU OVER THERE CRYING?

CRY ABOUT THIS!

NOW SHUT UP, SISSY!

- HA! YOU TELL 'EM, SARGE!

- HEY, JEFF.

- PSST, MANDY,

I'M OVER HERE!

- OH.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY BILLY'S SON.

- OK, MANDY,

TIME TO PLAY HARDBALL WITH DAD.

AND TO SHOW HIM I MEAN BUSINESS

I'M MADE HIM SOME PONY TEAR TRUFFLES.

- HEY, MANDY,

GUESS WHO JUST GOT THE CRAZY HIGH SCORE!

- YOU?

- YEP. ME.

[SCREAMS]

IT'S THAT FREAKY GIANT SPIDER,

AND HE'S MADE PONY TEAR TRUFFLES!

NO WHITE CHOCOLATE.

RUN!

- ATTACK.

- GRR!

DAD! DAD!

- THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

- DAD...

I KNOW THAT MAYBE I DIDN'T TURN OUT

THE WAY YOU PLANNED,

BUT, GOSH DARN IT, I'M YOUR SON.

AND I CORDIALLY REQUEST SOME LOVE.

HOW AM I DOING?

- MEANER.

- RIGHT! STRIKE THE CORDIAL PART.

- [SCREAMING]

- DAD?

- GET AWAY FROM ME, FREAK!

[STRAINING]

- [GROANING]

- [GRUNTING]

- IT'S WORKING, MANDY!

OH! HE'S SHOWERING ME WITH GIFTS.

- [SCREAMING]

- OH, MANDY!

I CAN FEEL THE WARMTH OF DADDY'S LOVE

SURGING THROUGH MY SHATTERED LIMBS.

- THIS IS GOING TO BE HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

TIME FOR PLAN B.

OK, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

- LOUD AND CLEAR, MANDY.

- OK.

GET BILLY TO COME TO THE WINDOW

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO SAY.

- JEEZ, MANDY,

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE BEING AWFULLY SNEAKY.

- NOW, GO.

- ALL RIGHT!

- AND NOW ALL YOU NEED IS A NOSE, LINTY.

OOH! I GOT A SQUISHY NOSE!

- HMM.

HOW DO I GET HIS ATTENTION?

- THROW A PEBBLE AT HIS WINDOW.

- RIGHT, A PEBBLE.

- OH, MY EYE!

- OH, SORRY!

[SCREAMS]

- MANDY, I THINK HE'S COMING DOWN!

NO, HE'S...

HE JUST GIVING ME MORE FURNITURE.

- I HATE YOU!

- THANKS FOR THE FURNITURE, DAD!

- JEFF, GET ANGRY.

- ARE YOU SURE?

- PUT THE HOOK IN HIM.

- RIGHT.

- NOW REPEAT WHAT I SAY EXACTLY.

HEY, STUPID.

- HEY, UH, STUPID!

DON'T MAKE ME EAT MY PARENTS LIKE OTHER BUGS DO!

EW!

OH, SORRY, DAD!

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JUST GO GET SOME YOGURT?

I'LL BUY!

OH, I GET IT.

YOU'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

SORRY.

- STOP APOLOGIZING.

BE MEAN!

- I CAN'T.

I HAVE AN ABNORMALLY SMALL MEAN GLAND.

[WHINING]

- THAT'S IT, I GIVE UP.

- NO! NO!

I'LL LISTEN. PLEASE, MANDY!

- ALL RIGHT, MANDY.

I'M HERE TO DO YOUR CHORES.

- HEY, GO NUTS.

- GO NUTS?

- NOW, GET TO WORK.

- GRIM,

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

- YEAH, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

- LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU JERK!

- "CLEAN MY ROOM, GRIM."

I HATE YOU, YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MONSTER.

- I HATE YOU, YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MONSTER.

- NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I'M NEVER APPRECIATED!

- NO MATTER WHAT I DO, I'M NEVER APPRECIATED!

- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO...

- TO GET SOME RESPECT AROUND HERE?

- CHEW SOMEONE'S HEAD OFF?

- [BARKING]

- THAT'S IT!

- THAT'S IT!

- [TRAIN WHISTLE]

- TOOT!

NO MORE MR. NICE SPIDER!

[GRUNTING]

LOVE ME, DAD!

LOVE ME!

LOVE ME NOW!

- NO!

- AW, DUDE!

THIS GAME CHEATS!

- I TOLD YOU.

- YOU KNOW, JEFF,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAID TO BILLY,

BUT HE'S MUCH LESS ANNOYING NOW.

- YEAH.

- WELL, I OWE IT ALL TO YOU, MANDY.

IT'S JUST NICE TO HAVE A FATHER.

HOW YOU DOING, DAD?

- I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU.

- AW, SHUT UP, DAD.

- MY BIKE ROCKS!

OH! THE WHEELS ARE LIKE CIRCLES!

ONE LEMONADE, PLEASE!

- [SCREAMING]

- [SLURP]

WELL! AT LEAST MY BIKE IS OK.

I SHOULD STILL BE ABLE TO RIDE IT HOME.

AW.

WHO NEEDS A DUMB BIKE TO HAVE FUN ANYWAY?

WALKING CAN BE IT'S OWN REWARD.

GO, LEGS, GO!

YEAH! I'M ON FIRE!

YOU PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER!

- HI, BILLY!

- OH, HEY, IRWIN.

MAN, IT SURE LOOKS LIKE IRWIN'S HAVING FUN

WITH HIS BIKE.

- I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN WITH MY BIKE!

WHOO!

- IT LOOKS LIKE PUD'N IS HAVING FUN

WITH HIS BIKE, TOO!

- [LAUGHING]

- EVEN SPERG!

- I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU

MAN AND BIKE.

- I ONLY WISH THAT EVERYONE COULD KNOW

THE JOY THIS BIKE HAS BROUGHT ME.

[THUNDER]

- YOU JUST PUT ONE FOOT

IN FRONT OF THE OTHER.

- ALAS, POOR BILLY,

DESTINED TO WALK THE SEPULCHERED STREETS OF SUBURBIA,

A DOOMED HUSK OF A CHILD.

DO NOT CRY FOR HIM.

DO NOT CRY!

YOU SEE, BILLY'S LIFE IS ABOUT TO DRASTICALLY CHANGE.

FOR BETTER OR WORSE, I KNOW NOT.

OH!

I WISH I HADN'T DRANK ALL THAT LEMONADE.

I CAN HOLD IT. I CAN HOLD IT!

I DON'T GOTTA HOLD IT!

WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO PORTO-POTTY IS THIS?

IT LOOKS SO UNSANITARY.

- THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT PITTSBURGH.

- OH, HI!

- HELLO, BILLY.

- HOW'D YOU KNOW MY NAME?

- I GUESSED.

- WOW!

IS THAT YOUR RED TRICYCLE?

IT SURE IS NICE.

- ACTUALLY, I BROUGHT IT HERE JUST FOR YOU.

- [GASPS]

FOR ME?!

- IT'S TOTALLY FREE.

YOU ONLY HAVE TO PROMISE TO LOVE IT FOREVER...

AND EVER AND EVER.

AND EVER.

- I PROMISE.

- [LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

OH, SORRY.

I JUST REMEMBERED THIS REALLY FUNNY JOKE

ABOUT A DUCK IN A--

[BELL RINGS]

NEVER MIND.

IT IS TIME TO GO.

DON'T FORGET...

YOU MUST LOVE IT FOREVER.

FOREVER...FOREVER...

- THANKS, MR. KID!

YOU'RE A 3-WHEEL DREAM!

I'M GONNA NAME YOU TRYKIE.

COME ON, TRYKIE,

LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN!

GUYS! HEY, GUYS!

DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING NEW?

- [SNICKERING]

- WHAT IS THAT, YO?

IS THAT A TRICYCLE?

- YEP!

IT'S NAME IS TRYKIE!

- [SNICKERING]

[LAUGHING]

- INCOMING DATA PACKET FOR BILLY.

ONLY BIG BABIES RIDE TRICYCLES!

- THAT'S NOT TRUE!

- READY FOR YOUR BOTTLE?

- [CRYING]

I'M NOT A BIG BABY!

I'M A YOUNG ADULT.

- ♪ BABY BILLY, SITTING IN HIS CRIB ♪

♪ DRIPPING MASHED POTATOES ALL DOWN HIS BIB ♪

- YOU'RE WRONG!

TRYKIE IS COOL!

AND I HAVEN'T WORN A BIB IN MONTHS!

[SOBBING]

[BURP]

[SOBBING]

THEY--THEY--THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE IT A CHANCE!

[SOB]

- HEY, YOU REMEMBER EARLIER, YO,

WHEN WE CALLED BILLY A BABY?

- YEAH!

THAT WAS AWESOME!

- AND THEN WHEN HE CRIED ALL THE WAY HOME?

- YEAH!

- IT'S NICE THAT IT WASN'T ME FOR A CHANGE.

[BELL JINGLES]

HELLO? IS SOMEONE THERE?

HELLO?

[SCREAMS]

- [SOBBING]

- [SQUEAKING]

- TRYKIE!

HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE, YOU RASCAL?

WAIT!

WHAT'S THAT LODGED IN YOUR SPOKES?

IT...LOOKS LIKE...

SOME KIND OF COOL NOISE-MAKER!

I'LL JUST PUT THAT BACK IN.

TRYKIE, I DON'T CARE WHAT MY FRIENDS SAY.

I FEEL SO RIGHT WHEN I'M WITH YOU.

♪ TOURING THE FRANCE

♪ LA LA LA

♪ TOURING THE FRANCE

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

HI, SPERG. NICE DAY! GOTTA GO!

- GET BACK HERE, MEAT!

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T GET NO LAMER

YOU SHOW UP ON THAT THING!

- I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT TRYKIE!

THEY'RE JUST WORDS, AND WORDS CAN'T HURT ME.

- THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THESE.

- GULP.

WH-WHAT ARE THEY FOR?

- ATOMIC WEDGIES!

- [HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]

THEY WORK WELL.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO ME,

JUST DON'T HURT TRYKIE.

- YOUR STUPID BIKE IS ABOUT TO HAVE A LITTLE FALL.

- NO, SPERG.

NO! NO!

- THIS IS WHERE THE SIDEWALK ENDS, BABY.

- DON'T DO IT!

TRYKIE!

- WELL...

THAT WAS EVEN MORE SATISFYING THAN I THOUGHT.

♪ I COULD EAT YOU UP

♪ BETTER THAN CANDY

♪ YOU'RE SO DANDY

♪ BUTTERCUP DANCER

♪ I LOVE YOU

[PANTING]

OH, STUPID, STUPID!

I MISSED THE THIRD CUE.

I'LL NEVER GET TO BROADWAY WITH THAT KIND OF SLOPPINESS.

GOTTA TRAIN EVEN HARDER.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM, CUZ?

NO!

I GOT RID OF YOU, MAN!

I GOT RID OF YOU!

[SCREAMING]

OH, NO!

NO!

[SCREAMING]

- [SIGHS]

NOTHING IS AS FUN WITHOUT TRYKIE.

[SQUEAKING]

TRYKIE!

YOU'RE OK!

- SO IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME

THAT THING BELONGS TO YOU?

- MANDY, YOU BROUGHT TRYKIE BACK TO ME!

YOU ROCK!

- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT TRICYCLE, BILLY?

- FROM A WEIRD KID IN A MAGIC PORTO-POTTY.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

- STAY RIGHT HERE.

- WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE'S GOING, TRYKIE?

OH, OH!

I'LL BET SHE'S GONNA GET HER OWN TRICYCLE

SO WE CAN ALL RIDE TOGETHER.

- THIS THE THING?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.

YEP. IT'S HAUNTED.

- HAUNTED?

- YOU'RE POSITIVE?

- YEP.

IT'S GOT THE MARK OF THE BEAST.

- ALL RIGHT, GRIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- WAIT!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN TRYKIE'S HAUNTED?

- YOUR BIKE IS POSSESSED BY AN EVIL FORCE.

DO IT. - RIGHT.

- TRYKIE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS.

HE WOULD NEVER HURT ANYONE.

TRYKIE IS COOL LIKE THAT.

- I BEG TO DIFFER.

- SHOW HIM, IRWIN.

- I'VE GOT TIRE TRACKS OVER 85% OF MY BODY.

- THOSE COULD HAVE COME FROM ANYWHERE.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?

LOOK WHAT YOUR MEAN TRICYCLE

WROTE ON MY FULL-BODY CAST.

- YOUR PAIN HAS ONLY BEGUN.

I'LL BE BACK TO FINISH THE JOB.

YOU STINK. LOVE, TRYKIE.

THAT COULD BE ANY TRYKIE.

- ALL RIGHT, BILLY.

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO SEE THIS.

- OH, MY GOODNESS!

- IT'S SPERG.

APPARENTLY HE SUFFERED AN IRREVERSIBLE

SUPER-MEGA WEDGIE.

- THAT COULD ONLY BE DONE BY...BY...

- BY A PAIR OF HANDLEBARS.

- NO!

SAY IT AIN'T TRUE, TRYKIE.

- SORRY, BILLY.

BUT I GOTTA DO THIS OR ELSE IT COULD--

SWEET PIG IN A POT!

IT'S GOT ME FACE!

MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

- TRYKIE, STOP!

PLEASE STOP!

- AAH! IT'S GONE DOWN ME ROBE!

OW! IT BIT ME BONY BUTT!

WHAT THE?!

OH! OH! OH!

IT'S PUNCHING ME KIDNEYS, MAN!

- TRYKIE IS A KILLING MACHINE.

SO, WHAT AM I GONNA DO, MANDY?

- I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

- THE AGONY!

- HEY, TRYKIE!

YOU'RE JUST A BIG MEANIE!

YOU'RE NOT COOL AT ALL.

YOU'RE...UNCOOL!

- [ROARS]

- IS IT OVER?

- TRYKIE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.

- I'M SORRY, TRYKIE.

- YOU'RE MONKEY PEOPLE, ALL OF YOU!

- AND THUS OUR STORY ENDS.

IF YOU'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION,

IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A NERD WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

BUT WHAT OF BILLY, YOU ASK?

WELL, HE GOT A NEW UNICYCLE.

- I'LL CALL YOU UNI!

- AND WHAT OF EVERYONE ELSE?

WHO CARES?

THEY BORE THE SNOT OUT OF ME.

THE END!

♪♪♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

- [BACKWARD VOICE]