Original subtitles

(ominous music)

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- [Narrator] In the year 2044,

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advanced artificial intelligence robots

drained the Earth of her natural resources,

leaving the once thriving planet a barren shell,

incapable of sustaining life.

From a global population that once approached 8 billion,

only a few thousand humans survive by going underground

and eventually abandoning the Earth altogether

for outer space.

In space, a rebel alliance formed,

eventually led by the last survivor of her royal family,

Princess Kali Devine.

The Allies sworn mission is to protect what remains

of the human race while fighting a bloodthirsty

reptilian illuminati army known as the Archons

who are devoted to eradicating humans from the universe.

Employing a mix of alchemy and technology

and led by the dreaded Aleister Crawley

and alien Wrathcheld,

the Archons attack the Allies at every opportunity

driving the dwindling humans to the brink of extinction

on the 2,000th anniversary of the Earth's destruction.

Adrift in space with no planet to call home,

the human race fights its toughest battle ever,

for survival.

- Comrades, Archon warriors, commanders,

working men and working women, brothers and sisters,

in the grip of our enemy

we have temporarily fallen under the yoke

of the Allied fighters and our valiant Archon gorillas

who are destroying the race of the human scourge.

On behalf of the mighty Archon army,

I, the eternal reptilian manifestation

of the soul of General-ee-see-mus Joseph Stalin

greet and congratulate you on this 2,000th anniversary

of the great Archon revolution!

As you know, we are engaged in mortal battle

and not just mortal, but immortal as well.

For ours is a fight for the very soul,

death to the human invaders!

Long live the Archon glory,

liberty and independence under the banner of Anubus

we shall march forward to victory!

(engines roaring)

- Princess Kali, another fighter fleet has just deployed

in the Davonian Realm.

- How many are there, Commander?

- More than we've ever seen in one launch

and they're armed to the teeth.

I'm gonna need back--

(screaming)

(exploding)

(laughing)

- God damn it, another brave fighter.

God, godspeed, Commander.

Heru, Bort, man the bridge and keep us on course.

- Yes, ma'am, is everything alright?

- No Heru, no, it's not.

I'm gonna call someone who may be able to help.

(ominous music)

- I feel your footprints, interloper.

Who goes there?

- Mighty Anubus, god of the dead, it is I,

your devoted servant Wrathcheld,

come from the star battlefields

to a scared, silent and still sarcophagus

to ask you oh, vaunted one,

to guide my hand in this war of wars.

- And what do you offer in return for this gift, speaker?

- My undying devotion, of course,

and the whole of the Archon army's minions

to ride alongside you in the great beyond.

- Are these minions aware that their leader bargains

with their eternal souls?

- They have pledged their very souls for this cause,

oh great one, to their last they would be willing

to cross the River Sticks

and see your infinite spirit at bounty.

- Very well, mouthpiece,

the afterlives of your soldiers shall be guided by me.

- Great, so, just to be clear,

am I also involved in that or just my legion?

- Recite your incantation, orator.

- Right.

I call to the spirits, I call to the dead,

for arousal of Aleister Crawley again.

I call to thee, come to me,

to reunite once more.

I wish to see he whom I seek, oh god of the dead,

bringer of life and giver of death.

So mote it be.

- It is, his black shall be among you

until your last soldier falls.

At that time, Crawley shall return to the beyond

from whence he came.

- I thank you, oh exalted one.

Your mercy bosses our mercilessness.

- Leave me to my slumber, interloper,

you reek of charred meat.

- Cured meat, well,

I just had a liverwurst sandwich before I came.

Is it on my breath?

- [Anubus] Go!

- [Wrathcheld] Gotcha!

(upbeat music)

It's an honor to have an occultist of your caliber

fighting on our side, Aleister,

welcome back to the land of the living.

- Land?

I see no land, motherfucker.

I only see dying stars and floating debris.

- Yes well, not in the business of cosmic cleanup.

This is wartime and I'm Wrathcheld,

leader of the Archon army,

the new masters of the universe.

- How fascinating.

I'm Aleister Crawley, and I've never grown out

of that infantile belief that the universe

was made for me to suck.

Speaking of, if the date on this screen is correct,

I haven't had a blowjob in 3,000 years!

And who's going to suck my dick with me looking like this?

- Don't fret, Aleister, I'll find a devoted Archon

who gives great head.

We'll get you straightened out.

- The universe?

I see my reputation has grown in my absence.

- Indeed, like all great men

and before we destroyed life on Earth,

celebrities and elite traded your writings,

paintings and properties for obscene sums of money.

- Mm, obscene, oh just hearing the word gets me hard.

But tell me Wrathcheld, why do I look like this?

- The visage you currently inhabit

is your eternal reptilian body, you see.

You never were fully human, Aleister.

You've been Archon all along and are friends

with the god of the dead Anubus and myself.

You finally joined your kind in the war to end all wars.

(groaning)

War, I'd prefer if you tweak my nipples

while you use that word, Wrathbean.

- Wrathcheld.

- Whatever, do as thou wilt.

- Before I introduce you to my staff, Aleister,

I'd like to get you up to speed on our war effort.

- You'd like to get me up, eh?

- To speed.

- Ooh, a quickie,

now you're speaking my language, Wrathbone.

On your knees, boy.

- I should've resurrected Genghis Khan instead.

(intense music)

- [Kali] Long time no see, Van Helsing.

I trust these years have treated you well?

- I wouldn't know, princess.

You see, I'm a copy.

- A copy?

- That's right.

Before Earth fell into ruin

I signed up for one of those online ancestry kits

and boy, did I get more than I bargained for.

I found out I was created in a lab

using preserved DNA of the original Jack Van Helsing.

- Oh my God, are you serious?

- [Van Helsing] As a venereal disease.

- Oh.

So, you got all of Jack's traits then?

- I'm afraid so.

- Okay, first thing's first.

The war to destroy the Earth is still raging.

The Archons have better technology and greater numbers,

not to mention dark alchemy.

They're decimating our ranks at every turn.

We're fighting as hard as we can but we're losing.

If things go on as they have been,

humans will be extinct before the next year.

- Next year?

That's not a lot of time.

How many of us are left?

- Our closest estimate is around 420 Allies.

We're losing an average of two a week.

- Shit.

- I called you because we need your help.

We have captured and killed more Archons

than any Ally in this conflict's history.

Or should I say you're cloned from the man who has.

- Good thing you aren't looking for a plumber.

- What should I call you anyway?

- Call me VH.

- Princess Kali, infrared imaging

space surveillance telescope has detected a new weapon

aboard the Archon mothership.

- What sort of new weapon, Heru?

- It appears to be a 60 megaton kinetic space bomb.

If detonated it could wipe out two-thirds of our galaxy.

- Jesus fucking Christ.

- Sir, I don't believe we've been introduced.

- This is Van Helsing.

Heru, sort of.

- Jack, welcome back, old boy.

So nice to see you again.

- Where are the Archons transporting this bomb, Heru?

Does it look like they're setting up to deploy?

- They're currently passing through

Planet Gorgon's nebu-la-non.

But as Gorgon is a radioactive shell,

it wouldn't behoove them to detonate there.

However, we're aware of an entity

that may possess knowledge of Archon's plans.

- You do?

Who?

- The fully autonomous weaponized AI robot, Exterminator.

- Exterminator, that thing still running around?

We're all fucking doomed.

- No need to worry, VH, it's been neutralized.

We've held the Exterminator robot

in our advanced underground supermax prison facility

on Planet Sticks for millenniums.

My great, great, great grandfather Ram-so-maj-dar

captured Exterminator in the Battle of Chartreuse War

in 2921 and locked it up for all time.

- Well, should I be taking notes?

- It could be beneficial for the Allies

to visit the Exterminator, Princess.

The proper line of questioning could appeal

to its information motherboard

and yield favorable results.

- Thank you, Heru, I'll take it into advisement.

As you were. - Yes ma'am.

Shall we stay the course?

- For now.

- Interesting and unforeseen.

Bloody lobotomy techniques seems to be violently

expelling the bowels of our captured Archon fighters.

And yet they remain fully conscious,

aware of everything happening to them

but unable to do a thing about it.

That last fighter pilot even recited

the Gro-bee-lin dictionary aloud

with perfect pronunciation and elocution,

never missing a beat as I drilled deep into his eye socket.

- Shall I euthanize the past test subjects now, Dr. Jeckyll,

so you can start with the new prisoners?

- No, let them be.

I have some more tests I'd like to run.

I think I can go in through the nasal cavity

to puppeteer the frontal lobe.

I'm painfully close to being able

to control these fighters' minds.

And if we can perfect that

then return them to their Archon fleets

as mind controlled double agents

we can turn the tide of this war.

- Brilliant, doctor.

Have you given any more consideration to my sex slave idea?

- Sex, sex, sex, is that all you think about?

What's wrong with the cadavers you've been using?

They're good for nothing else.

You don't even have sexual organs!

You're the in tact breed of my best pupil

who was born by laser fire strike

transplanted into an automated body to further assist me.

- Apparently I was quite repressed in my human form, doctor.

- Obviously, keep your mind on the task at hand for now.

Once I can present a successful subject

to aid the war effort we'll find you a suitable release.

- Thank you, doctor.

- Wheel out the next prisoner.

And for the love of all things holy,

make sure this one's restrained securely.

The headbutt from the last one

nearly shattered my visor.

Some of these Archons panic quite severely.

- Scourge of god obedient unto me, I invoke thee,

the terrible and invisible god

who dwellest in the void place of the spirit.

This is the lord of the gods,

this is the lord of the universe,

this is he on the wind sphere.

This is he who is lord of all things,

king, ruler and helper, hear me!

I am he, boneless spirit.

I am he, the truth.

I am he, who hates the stars.

I am he, the lightning-eth and thunder-eth.

I am he, who's mouth flameth.

I am he, the be-it-er and the manifest down to the light.

I am he, the grace of wills.

Come down forth and follow me

and make all sprits subject onto me

so that every spirit of the firmament and of the ether

of on dry land or in outer space.

Of a world in air and rushing fire,

may be forever obedient onto me.

Such are my words.

- [Announcer] Attention, you are now entering

the debarkation area.

No talking, no smoking.

Follow the red line.

You have the option to terminate

and be cremated on the premises.

If you elect this option notify the officer

in your processing area.

- Hello, X15642.

- That's Exterminator to you, Van Helsing.

- Call me VH.

- I'll call you dead meat if you'll open that air lock.

- You know I can't do that, X.

- And you know I can't stop obliterating anything

and everything in my way.

I'm programmed to destroy.

- So I've heard by the Archons,

but they're gonna lose, X.

You're on the wrong side of history.

- We'll just see about that, human.

Why don't you come into my cell

so I can render your swiney flesh

from the brittle porous bone

and paint a masterpiece on the wall with your blood.

- Vivid imagination you have there.

Tell me, X, what's the deal with the Archons'

kinetic space bomb?

- The space bomb?

It will extinguish your kind from this galaxy

if I don't get to you first.

- Sounds like a threat.

- It's not a threat, a spoiler.

- Considering we're the ones that have you locked up,

be a good idea to work with the Allies, X.

It could make your time much easier.

- Easier?

I'm indestructible, you puny mortal.

I'll be here long after you're dust and bone.

And mark my words, before you die I'll get free

and when I do I'll splay your children out

to fashion the canvas on which to dissect you.

- Thanks, but I don't have kids.

- Then I'll feed someone else's to the meat grinder.

- So, I'm guessing you don't want to make a deal?

- So astute you are, Van Helsing.

- Call me VH.

(ominous music)

- Rest assured, Princess Kali, I am loyal to your Allies

and we will fight by your side to the last.

- Thank you, Queen Varuna.

Your people held a special place

in the hearts of my father and his father before him.

As leader of the Allied forces,

I will not betray that trust.

- I never expected you to, Princess.

And in this war of wars,

you may count my people among your numbers.

Where you fight, we fight.

Where you win, we win.

And where you die, we too will gladly lay down our lives.

- Well, it's a damn fine cosmos with you in it, Varuna.

Let's do this.

(intense music)

- The Archon-stine is nigh, Wrathcheld!

We shall win at all costs.

There are no Archon prisoners of war, only traitors.

- Indeed, General Lee-see-mus.

On your formidable coattails we shall ride

to ultimate victory.

- Forward, march, march, march!

(exploding)

- General Lee-see-mus,

I have the alleged fleet in my sights.

They've got help from the Atlantians.

- One ship alone cannot dent two fleets, Sylus.

Circle them and await your wingman.

When the numbers are even, strike!

- But I have a clean shot, sir, I have to take it.

- No, Sylus.

Do not engage alone, I repeat, do not engage!

(missiles firing)

(exploding)

(screaming)

Sylus, no!

Fight on, Archons, fight on!

We shall return for General Sylus,

but not before I slaughter the remainder

of the Allied swine and hear them die screaming!

(zapping)

- I've got a lock on the Archon mothership, Princess.

What do you want me to do?

- Take the shot!

(exploding)

(zapping)

Varuna, no, no, no.

Pull back, Allies, retreat, retreat!

(tense piano music)

- Sylus, an Archon hero has been lost today

but we shall fight on.

We shall persevere.

We shall overcome!

We shall exhaust and outlast the enemy

until the blood oozes from their weary eyes.

Until the last drops of sweat drains the energy

from their ravaged bodies.

We shall have our revenge on Sylus' corpse, I swear!

(dramatic music)

- There you are.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

- Just getting a little work out while I can.

Three months in a T-wing cockpit is hell on the joints.

- Tell me about it.

I flew the T-wing under my father when he lead the Allies.

- You don't say.

How'd you manage the legroom with those gams?

- You'll have to come into my cockpit

and find out for yourself, mister.

- I might take you up on that.

I love a girl who can fight.

- If you also share memories with Jack Van Helsing,

you know what else I can do.

- I'm just flesh and blood, Kali.

Strictly a biological clone.

- How was the meeting with the Exterminator?

- The shits.

That thing didn't give up a shred.

- I'm not surprised.

Those bots are programmed to kill.

Personal interaction is only a nuanced byproduct

of the mass of information their hard drives hold.

- You said bots?

There are others?

- None that we have captured

but blueprints from the lab my father seized

show us an assembly line.

And our deep space surveillance spotted

two others on the outskirts of the galaxy.

They appear to be rogue robots

with no affiliations.

- Maybe you can recruit them yourself,

turn them on the Archons.

- That was the plan for the one you spoke to

but there's been no getting through to him.

There seems to be a ghost in the machine,

some programming bug.

But that sets the hardware to destroy

and dials the intensity up to 11.

Someday, we'll figure out a hack.

Until then, we keep fighting.

- I heard about a fleet clash in the nor-shada-neb-ula.

How did it go?

- Badly.

We had to retreat.

We lost a great Ally and friend today.

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

Some of these battles we win, some we don't.

The important thing is the tide of the war

and I feel like it's slipping away from us.

I'm worried, VH.

- I have an idea.

An old friend of mine, he's elusive,

but if we can locate him

he'd be a great addition to the Allies.

- Is he tough?

- Tough?

(laughing)

He's a war machine!

(tense music)

(growling)

Well, if it isn't the infamous Bigfoot.

How've you been, big guy?

- Remove that helmet and identify yourself,

lest I rip you limb from limb.

- Whoa buddy, I'm no gambler, it's me, Van Helsing.

- Van Helsing?

Which one?

- Not the original.

- Dude, I hate that little prick.

Pounds a steak into a couple of poncy dickheads with fangs.

All of a sudden he's a big hero.

Hero, my ass.

- I hear that a lot, but I'm not him.

I'm the guy who had your back against the Crom-you-lans

in that saloon fight a couple years back.

- Right, you're one bad motherfucker, VH.

What brings you to this remote location?

I ain't easy to find, Earth or no Earth.

- Tell me about it.

Remember after we left those Croms laying

you said if I ever needed anything you owed me one.

Well, I need your help.

- Those Croms hold a grudge.

They didn't jump you, did they?

Sneaky fuckers, hmm.

- No, Bigfoot, it's not the Crom-you-lans.

It's the Archons.

- Whoa, you crossed the Archon army?

My man, you must have a death wish.

- Just the opposite.

I'm with the Allies now.

- The Allies, huh?

So you got some firepower behind you?

Okay, I'm in.

I fucking love crushing Archon skulls.

Once in a blue moon they come poking around out here

and I always get a kick out of stringing them up

and dressing them out.

Those Archon bellies pop like pinatas, boy.

Mm, nice, very nice.

Aluminum composite, ceramic composite, carbon composite,

titanium alloy, swanky digs you Allies got here.

- We're glad you like it, welcome aboard.

- You could warm up this lighting if you wanted to.

Florescents really catch the gray hairs in my coat.

- I think you'll find it pretty comfortable

compared to that barren planet I found you on.

- Don't knock it till you try it.

Silence is golden.

- Bigfoot, I'd like to take you to our command center

and brief you on our progress to date against the Archons.

- Whoa, Nelly.

You're using them fancy boardroom terms

and my feet falling asleep.

I'm a Sasquatch, let's keep it loose, you hear?

- [Kali] As you wish.

- [Announcer] Breach in sector seven.

Exterior access denied

prison staff only in thruways.

If you are not staff and currently outside your cell,

lie down and await instruction

from the duty sergeant in your area.

Any failure to comply will result in termination on site.

- Good news coming from Pond and Sticks.

Aleister, our plan worked to perfection.

No prison is strong enough to hold that machine.

The Exterminator is free.

- As it should be.

Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

- I can't wait for the weapon of mass destruction

to rendezvous with us and join our ranks at last.

The addition of the Exterminator

will render the Archons unstoppable.

Very soon, the galaxy will be ours.

- To seek to dominate, another is to seek to destroy.

- Yes, and once the Exterminator is by our side

we'll destroy everything in our way.

Do you hear me, Aleister?

Everything.

- Oh delightful.

For a man who is doing his true will

has the inertia of the universe to assist him.

However, now is the time to tread carefully, Wrathcheld.

The Exterminator attends matters of the flesh

but to conquer life as we know it,

one must also tend matters of the soul.

- What are you getting at, Aleister?

You don't want to gather the Allies

in some dumbass prayer circle, do you?

- No, far from it.

I want to awaken the eternal spirit

of the sun god, Ra.

The most vengeful, meanest motherfucker to ever be.

- Princess Kali, I want to thank you for bringing me

this impressive specimen.

He's amazing, simply amazing.

Tell me, creature, what's your diet?

- My diet?

What kind of question is that?

If it moves, I eat it.

- Oh, I see.

Come creature, sit on my chair for a moment.

I'd like to run some rudimentary tests on you if I may.

- Tests, what kind of tests?

And how come you people never show your faces?

I like to see who I'm talking to.

- Now, now, hold still.

I'm just going to draw a small amount of blood from you.

- Blood?

You and what army?

You try to prick me, I will rip that helmet off

with your head still in it, cocksucker.

- Easy, Bigfoot.

Dr. Jeckyll may seem unconventional

but we're all friends here.

- No, you're all friends here, VH.

I'm the mythical Sasquatch and I know

what glorified lab rats wanna do to me.

Get their ugly mugs in the science rags.

Bag that Nobel Peace Prize.

- I assure you you're overreacting Bigfoot,

tell you what, forget the blood.

We'll just snip a bit of your hair.

- Come at me with snips and I'll ram 'em up your ass

sharp end first, geek.

Nobody pokes, pricks or sticks Bigfoot.

- [Announcer] Well, duly noted.

What's say we just provide a saliva sample for DNA testing

and that will be that,

just spit in a cup for me, yeah.

- How about I just spit on your broken, bloody corpse

and after I smash the shit out of this room

with a baseball bat shaped like you.

- Alright, that's enough.

- I'm sorry Dr. Jeckyll,

perhaps we'll revisit this another time.

Right now I'd like to focus on your inventions.

You say you have something for us?

- That I do.

Kali, allow me to introduce the Teleport Chip 5000.

- Sounds like a toaster oven.

- What does it do, doctor?

- I'm glad you asked.

You know how I was using computerized data

to be uploaded directly to the brain

for the physical body to be teleported

anywhere in the universe with untraceable signal?

- Badass!

- With the Teleport Chip 5000,

we can hack into the Archon mainframes

without a need for workarounds, pass codes,

phishing, hacking or cracking.

It's an all encompassing backstage pass

for anything they have stored or active in their systems.

- And the teleportation?

- With the T-5000 implant

you can spontaneously deconstruct our physical metabolisms

and reconstruct them within milliseconds

on any wireless access point of a wifi signal.

- That's incredible.

- I thought so too.

- So then, who's first?

- I don't know about your partners here, VH,

they're a weird bunch.

And that doctor and his henchmen in the lab

were straight up fucking nuts.

- Give 'em a chance.

It's not as weird as it seems at first.

- Well, if there's one thing my elusive nature's telling me

it's to trust my first impression.

- Maybe your time in the wild is going to your senses.

You're getting older, Foot,

you ever think maybe you've lost your edge?

- Lost my edge?

You're one to talk, you're a fucking clone.

- I still have a moral compass.

I still know right from wrong.

- You saying I don't?

- Jeckyll was in awe of you.

You almost killed him for suggesting tests.

- I know how these doctors work.

Tests lead to more tests.

Then to a bed, then to a cage,

then to an operating table,

then to cremation, them bam, you're a fucking clone.

- You trying to say something to me?

- When's the last time anybody saw

the real Jack Van Helsing, huh?

- For all we know you don't exist.

- Nah, all real grade-A beef here.

- You got a problem with me, big guy?

- If the helmet fits, wear it.

I ain't good with small spaces.

Feels like the walls are closing in.

I'm gonna get some air.

- We're in space, Foot!

There is no air!

- Fuck it, I'll hold my breath.

I'm sick of squeezing past these machines.

I gotta clear my head.

- Sounds like a good idea.

If you need me, I'll be with Kali.

- [Bigfoot] I bet you will.

- [Kali] We just got more bad news, VH.

The Exterminator has escaped.

It's loose in the galaxy, somewhere.

- Oh, that's gonna come back to bite us on the ass.

Guess we need to watch our six.

- I put out an interstellar APB.

It won't take long to find that model.

Its rationale chip is dead.

Sooner than later it'll make a mistake.

Speaking of rationale, how does your Sasquatch like us?

- He wants to kill you all.

- I see.

I should mention every chamber and corridor of this vessel

is equipped with knockout gas in the event

of a hijacking or mutiny.

- I expect nothing less, Princess.

- If your friend isn't on board with our cause

he is free to leave at any time, and should.

- He'll be fine.

Small spaces freak him out, he's claustrophobic.

- Maybe space isn't the place for him.

- Maybe not, but that doesn't change the fact

that you need all the help you can get.

- What I need right now a Sasquatch can't help me with.

But you can.

- Oh. - Oh?

- Princess Kali, it is me, Xio.

- Xio, are you alright?

Is your ship in tact?

Are you shredded?

- I escaped our battle with both my ship and my life

but without my queen I'm not sure what there is to live for.

- Xio, don't think like that.

I know you loved Varuna, we all did.

But there's more to live for and fight for

now than ever before.

- I wish I could say I shared that sentiment, Princess,

but I've been considering surrender.

- I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

We don't say that word around here.

Xio, I want you to listen to me and listen closely.

I'm not just the commander of this fleet,

I'm an Ally through and through like my father

and his father before him and his father before him.

I'll never stop no matter how many Allies fall in battle

and I'd sooner die myself than stand down

and allow an Archon universe to rise.

Do I make myself clear?

- Yes, Princess.

- Good, go take some time for yourself.

Mourn your queen as we all will.

And when the order comes to reconvene

I expect to see you on our front lines

ready to fight again in Varuna's honor.

- Yes, Princess.

- You're one sexy princess, you know that?

(tense music)

- Greetings, Exterminator, and congratulations

on your prison break.

The carnage you caused remains visible for light years.

I spent a lifetime splintering enemies and innocents alike

and I've never seen such a jet stream of blood.

You're quite the engine of destruction.

- Come closer, talking head, and I'll kill you too.

(laughing)

- How cute.

- What's that?

Who said that?

Who's there?

- That's my colleague, his name is--

- The great beast, 666, do as thou wilt, robot,

and let the blood of innocents flow through your hydraulics.

- Sounds good to me.

Tell me, great beast, are you innocent?

- Me?

Innocent?

I am evil incarnate.

- Are you Satan?

- Satan, my dear robot,

the servant Satan is not the enemy of man

but he who has made gods of our species.

Knowing good and evil, he bayed know thyself.

In Tartan tuition, we are all Satan, even you.

Just like we are all God.

- Have fun out there, Exterminator.

Get that violence and bloodletting into your system.

- Yes, do as thou wilt.

(dramatic music)

- You there, this is my air space.

Submit or perish.

- Excuse me, tin man.

Are you talking to me?

- I don't see anyone else here

so I must be talking to you, gorilla.

- Gorilla?

Who the fuck you calling a gorilla?

I'm Bigfoot, motherfucker.

- Prepare to die.

- Don't sing it, bring it, bitch.

(zapping)

(suspenseful music)

(exploding)

- It's an ambush, we're under attack!

- They're Archon fighters!

- We must protect our headquarters no matter what.

Bort, deploy our fighter fleet at once.

Shoot first, no questions.

- Deploying our fighters now, Princess Kali.

- Save me a seat.

I'm joining the front line.

- So much for your Sasquatch, VH.

Where is he?

- I don't know.

- I do.

He abandoned us.

- He'd never do that.

Bigfoot's loyal, I think.

God damn it, Foot, you're making me look bad.

Where the fuck did you go?

You better not have sold me out, Sasquatch.

- Is that all you got, you overblown windup toy?

- You're still alive.

I was considering leashing you as my pet.

But no, I think I'll watch you die screaming instead.

- Kiss my furry ass.

1984 called, it wants its Terminator back.

- [Kali] VH, our screens are showing

a blitzing media shower.

Is everything alright?

- Thanks for noticing, Princess.

I thought you didn't like me anymore.

- Just get your ass back here in one piece

and I'll show you how much I like you

in no uncertain terms.

- Hey now.

(upbeat music)

- Die, you big simian.

Die.

(laughing)

- Comrades, kneeling compatriots,

I congratulate you on another well executed attack.

The great day of victory over the Allies is drawing nearer.

Our Archon armies shall force the Allies to their knees

until in defeat they declare unconditional surrender!

This great war will end with our complete and utter victory.

The period of human rule over this galaxy is over

and the period of reptilian rule shall begin!

I congratulate you on victory in advance,

my Archon compatriots!

Glory to the heroic Archon

who upholds the independence of reptiles

and bring victory over the enemies with bloody finality.

Glory to our great Archons, the Archons victorious,

harbingers of a new era of darkness!

(tense music)

- In the years of primal course

and the dawn of terrestrial burn

my master commanded the horse

and man was lord of the Earth.

We made tomorrow's skin

from the heart of the holy tree.

He encompassed the earth therein

and man was lord of the sea.

He controlled the vigor of steam,

he harnessed the lightning for hire,

he drove the celestial team

and man was the lord of fire.

Deep mouthed from the throne, deep seated.

(mumbling)

The last of the deal is defeated

for man is the lord of the air.

Oh rise, oh man, in my strength,

the kingdom is dying to inherit.

So go hide God's witness at length

that man is lord of his spirit.

The strength of the wilting within.

Stretches a blanket of skin.

Low comes the great beast of sin.

To watch we have sent down your skin.

(ominous music)

- Whoa, hey, is this like that hot yoga shit or?

- Hot yoga shit?

I think not.

You're in Archon mothership's corpse incinerator.

Also, my temple of prayer and ceremony.

- Oh, my bad.

Archon mothership, huh?

Jackpot!

How the hell did this happen?

- What do you mean how did this happen?

Are you not a member of the Archon army?

- Me, an Archon?

Yeah, right, one minute I'm in a spaceship battle

with some scrap metal clown

and the next I'm jamming up your armchair.

- This means you are in grave danger

and saved your own life with self-willed teleportation.

Very rare indeed.

You're strong with a lamp of invisible light.

- Hey, how can I hear you when your mouth ain't moving?

- The same way I can hear you

when your mouth does not move.

- Hm, ain't that some shit.

- Yes, yes indeed.

Thanks and praise to you, hay-was,

for delivering the great beast at last.

For now, the dawn of a-hon of har-ess is truly upon us.

- Uh, what?

(engines roaring)

(zapping)

- Come in, VH.

VH, are you there?

- I'm here, Princess.

The Archons seem to be retreating.

- They've done this sort of thing before.

They only aim to send a message.

They can attack us at any time, any place.

- Want us to chase 'em?

Shoot a few more lasers up their asses?

- I appreciate your spirit, VH, but no.

Return to headquarters.

I want to bop your brains out.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, did I say that out loud?

I mean return to headquarters at once.

I'll brief you when you get here.

- Aye-aye, madam.

(tense music)

(door sliding)

Foot, are you here?

Bigfoot!

This just isn't like you, big guy.

Where the hell did you go?

(whirring)

- Oh Anubus, god of the dead,

maker of stuff.

- Maker of stuff?

Is that the best of your salutations, greeter?

- My bad.

Nice coffin you got there.

- It is a sarcophagus.

- A sarco-what?

- No matter.

Tell me, creature, why do you disrupt my eternal slumber?

- You know, it wasn't my idea.

I was in the laser fight with this robot

and I thought I was doing pretty well.

I was holding my own for a Sasquatch

that ain't ever fired laser cannons before.

I've played some video games, you know,

but not the real thing.

My reflexes are sharp though.

- I'm certain they are.

Being an unevolved beast needs more muscle reflex

to bring cortex.

- Who you calling unevolved,

laying up there in that painted doghouse?

- Enough!

If your aim is to deface this sacred tomb, creature,

I shall strike you down where you stand

and be done with it and the next encroacher

will study your bones in 1000 years.

- Look, I don't know what I'm doing here.

Some Aleister dude sent me,

told me to ask you to grant the Archons victory

in the war against the Allies

but man, I'm with the Allies so I can't do that.

I just came here to get away from that weirdo, really.

- Aleister, I should've known.

I resurrected Crawley against my better judgment,

extolling before him to appease that annoying

little war monger, Wrathcheld.

When will I learn?

- I mean, if you ain't learned by now, probably never.

- Watch your tongue, creature, I may cut it out.

- Gotcha, look, I don't know if I'm breaking

any sacred rules by being here and what not

but if we gotta rumble I feel ya.

I've had the strong urge to flip your box over

since I got here, no offense.

But I won't betray my friends.

Well, one friend.

The rest of 'em are sketchy as fuck

and even my friend's not my friend.

He's a fucking clone.

- Such foul language for a quasi-neanderthal

who has mastered the skill of mind speak.

- It's the hip hop music.

- The what?

- Nevermind.

Anubus, do you think you could send me

my so-called friends the Allies to join me?

I don't know how to get back to their ship

and I don't wanna go back to the Archons.

- I understand your trepidation, creature.

However, my recent experiences of resurrecting the dead

and moving people like chess pieces

has been uniformally negative.

So, unfortunately, to use a term from your vernacular,

go fuck yourself.

(tense music)

- Alright, let's do it.

How long is this gonna take, doc?

- I'm not certain, VH.

The procedure has yet to be tested.

- What?

I'm your guinea pig?

- Don't be silly, you're not a guinea pig.

You're more of a test dummy.

- Thanks, that makes me feel better.

- Once we implant the Teleport Chip 5000 into your head

and it fuses with your brain's neurotransmitters

your new capabilities will reflect immediately.

As we've discussed, the main enhancements you'll notice

will be the abilities to receive and deliver mind speak

and to deconstruct and reconstruct your physical body

for transportation along any outer space wifi signal.

- I don't know about this, doctor.

VH is one of the best Allies we have on our team right now.

This all sounds risky.

Is it safe?

- It's as safe as any new

pioneering medical procedure can be, Princess.

Listen, the first time is always a bit scary.

You should've heard my heart pounding

when I gave myself the first serum injection way back when.

Those were the days.

- I wish I could've been there, doctor.

- No, you don't.

I'd have beaten you to death with whatever

I could get my hands on.

It took me a while to fully master the dosage.

- Dr. Jeckyll, are there any negative side effects

I might experience with the chip?

- None that I anticipate.

Oh, the one unintended side effect

may be enhanced sexual prowess.

- Sexual prowess?

- You'll fuck like a beast.

- But how?

- We're short on time, doctor, let's do this.

- Very well.

VH, just lie back and breathe normally

as we prepare for insertion.

(buzzing)

- The hour of the final victory looms, Aleister.

The Allied forces are in disarray, splintered, fractured,

depleted and soon to be destroyed.

- Let it be first understood

that I am a god of war and vengeance.

I will bring you to victory and joy.

I will be at your arms in battle

and ye shall delight to slay.

Success is your proof,

courage is your armor.

Go on, go on, in my strength

and you shall turn not back for any.

- I like that, Crawley, what is it?

- It's from the book of law.

- The book of law?

Sounds good, where can I get a copy?

- Right in front of you.

I'll recite it from memory.

- Deal, but first let us deliver to the Allies

their death blow.

(VH grunting)

(Kali moaning)

(whistling)

(door sliding)

- Whoa, what the hell is this?

- Wise terminology.

Hello, Van Helsing

or should I say clone Helsing?

Number 666?

(laughing)

What the, how do you know my name?

How do you know my serial number?

- I am the seer of all things.

I am the all knowing entity from the nether-dimensions.

I am an upside down god of gods.

- Is this one of those CIA programs?

That shit's so 1960's.

- I am Ra, god of the sun,

creator of heaven above, the planets in orbits

and hell below.

- That's quite a resume, what's up?

- I could ask the same of you.

You called me by my name.

Now, here I am.

- Called you by your name?

I'm just going to the refrigerator for a sandwich.

Now if you'll excuse me,

oh, I know what happened.

(Kali moaning)

(VH grunting)

Yeah, sorry about that.

- Was she good?

- Good?

She was incredible.

I mean, technically she was my first,

but it was everything I imagined and more.

I think I made her happy too.

- I'm sure you did, clone Helsing.

You were powerful enough

to summon the sun god Ra, and that is no small feat.

- I guess you're right.

Want a sandwich?

- I need your assistance, clone.

The more pertinent question is what do you want?

- I just got it but since you ask, we're at war, Ra.

I'd be remiss if I didn't ask for the enemy's leader

right here beside us as an Allied prisoner.

- The enemy's leader?

You have a mind for war, clone.

I respect that.

- Thanks, oh, and can I see my buddy Bigfoot again?

We had a little spat and he up and vanished.

I don't even know if he's still alive.

- Anything else?

- [VH] You serious?

How many wishes do I get?

- How many do you need?

What is the most important question you have for me?

- How do we end this war?

(tense music)

- What in the hell?

- Welcome aboard, Wrathcheld?

- Where am I?

Who are you?

- You're at Allied mobile headquarters.

You belong to us now and I'm Van Helsing number 666.

But you can call me VH.

- I'll call you stardust after the Archon army

is through with you, Ally.

We've been wiping you humans out quickly

but for you I'll make an exception.

You'll die slow.

- Thanks but no thanks.

See, without you, I'm betting those Archons

won't know their head from a black hole in the cosmos

and an army can't win a war if no one's leading the charge.

- Why you, I'll murder you with my bear hands

right where you stand.

- No you won't!

- Foot, you're back!

- Hey VH, man, am I glad to see you.

I'm so turned around I don't know what the hell is going on.

First I was in a fighter ship.

Then I was in like a yoga studio from hell.

Then I was in a sarcophagus,

whatever the fuck Anubus called it.

- Sarcophagus, the word is sarcophagus, you dumb animal.

What was a filthy beast like you

doing in a sacred tomb of Anubus, the god of the dead?

- Crawley wanted me to do a favor for you Archons.

He was too scared to do it himself,

well with his history of blasphemy and all.

- Anubus, the exalted one, has joined the Archons.

- Are you kidding?

He hates your guts.

- He hates everybody, (mumbling) prick.

Always has been.

- I can't believe this, I'm hearing god gossip.

- We must amuse ourselves somehow.

These millenniums just drag.

- Gloat while you can, Allies,

I have a secret weapon you don't know about.

- If you mean that Exterminator dude, he ain't so scary.

I almost took him out myself

and I never fired a laser before.

- The Exterminator is with the Archons,

we have to tell Kali right away.

- Be sure she's decent before you barge in on her.

- Whoa, decent, you finally hit that, VH?

- Keep it between us, okay?

We both needed it.

- Hoo-eey, my lips are sealed.

- Clone Helsing, in regard to your final question,

the answer you seek reside on your own home planet

in the place known as Area 51.

(ominous music)

(zapping)

- [VH] Princess, meet me in the command center.

I have something you'll be very interested to see.

- [Kali] Haven't I already seen it, VH?

And touched it, tasted it,

guided it deep inside me--

- [VH] Not that!

- No?

Sad, I'll be on deck shortly.

- Move it out, Wrathcheld,

you're gonna get to meet our leader.

- Your leader, the Princess eh,

I would separate her pretty head from her soft shoulders

with a flick of my wrist if I get close enough.

- Watch your mouth, melonhead.

- Make one move and you're dead on the spot, understand?

- You bumbling rubes don't know half

of what the Archons are capable of.

But you'll find out, oh, you'll find out.

- Comrades, it is necessary to eliminate talk

that we have the endless option to retreat,

that we have a lot of territory,

that outer space is great and rich,

that we have a large population

and that bread always will be abundant.

Such talk is false and parasitic.

It weakens us and it benefits the enemy.

If we retreat even a step,

we will will be without bread, without fuel,

without metal, without raw materials

and without armed vessels.

This leads to the conclusion.

It is now time to end this conflict

and the only way this conflict will end

is with our forward assault.

Not one step back, onward, onwards to victory.

- If we can navigate into the slipstream space here

we'll be able to use the dimensional sub-de-mean

of the alternate space time for faster than light travel.

Or VH, you can tap into any residual or dormant wifi signals

coming from the area and teleport to the site instantly.

- You really think we can trust the implant

Jeckyll put in my head?

- Whoa, hold up.

You let that doctor creep stick something in your head?

- It seemed like a good idea at the time.

- Come close, Ally, and I'll remove that head for you.

- Shut up or I'll smash you like a bug.

- I don't know for sure Dr. Jeckyll's chip will work, VH,

but he was right about the prowess part.

- Wait till next time.

I want you so fucking bad, Kali,

I'm gonna take you right here on this desk

if we don't get out of here.

- Woo!

(suspenseful music)

- General-ee-see-mo Stalin, Wrathcheld is missing.

- What do you mean he's missing, Crawley?

Archons don't just go missing

and certainly not Archons the caliber of Wrathcheld.

- But he's not here and I'm telling you.

What would you rather I do,

look under a desk or something?

- Mind your tongue, sorceror.

And if I discover your black magic had a hand in this,

it is the gallows for you!

- Wouldn't be the first time, Joseph,

wouldn't be the first time.

- This is it comrades, zero hour.

Shoot down anyone and anything on site.

Shoot to kill, take no prisoners.

The time for mercy is through.

The time for parades and chalices is nigh.

And from these golden chalices

shall pour the blood of our enemies!

(laughing)

(exploding)

- [Kali] You know, the Earth looks

a lot like we left it out there.

I kind of miss home.

- Forget it, Princess, the air is poison.

Nothing can live, nothing can grow.

- You four has walked right into my trap.

I told you the Archon mind is superior.

- I thought I told you to zip it, pipsqueak.

Now I'm gonna have to--

- Have to what, die?

For that is your only option.

You're all coming with me.

- Yeah, who's gonna make us?

- I am, of course, Wrathcheld of the Archons.

Soon to be Wrathcheld the Great.

- You are delusional.

- And you're an idiot.

Do you actually believe the sun god Ra would help you?

You've been double crossed.

I've got the power of the nucleus of Allies,

you three, in my clutches.

And now humanity will pay the ultimate price.

Welcome aboard Allies,

feel free to feast your beady eyes on my vessel,

this is what real space headquarters look like.

- You'll never get away with this, Wrathcheld.

You're mad!

- Quite the contrary.

Two Allies crazy, one Archon sane.

Wait, where did the mascot go?

(tense music)

- Heru, we're in trouble.

- What's going on, Bigfoot?

Where are you?

- The Archons got Princess Kali and VH but I escaped.

I stole an Atlantian fighter

and I'm circling around the mothership.

- Heavens, I'll take command of the Allied fleet

and join you, Bigfoot.

- Hurry, I don't know what they're gonna do to 'em.

- [Heru] We're on our way.

(engine roaring)

- The Allies are dead ahead, comrades.

You know what to do!

Do as thou wilt.

(zapping)

- Ah, such quaint little rubber pipes.

Your mouths will look good on a string around my neck.

- And you're gonna make great space debris.

You want some of this, Exterminator?

Come and get it.

- Don't mind if I do.

- Commander Wrathcheld,

our communications have been knocked out.

We've lost contact with the fleet.

- Well don't just stand there, text them.

- [Robot] Our wifi is down, sir.

We have no way of contacting anyone anywhere.

- Damn those Allies.

- This is it, the Archon's secret weapon,

the 60 megaton kinetic space bomb.

This plan might just be crazy enough to work.

At this point, it's our last and only hope.

(zapping)

(exploding)

- Princess Kali, I've got the mothership's fuel tanks

in my cross hairs, I'm taking the shot.

- No, Xio, no.

The princess is aboard.

(exploding)

- Oh no.

- VH, my friend.

- No, our mothership is no more!

Our resources, our technology, our battle plans!

Retreat, comrades, retreat!

- God fucking damn it, I came back for this?

Why do the fucking boars always win?

May their mothers' decapitated heads

suck dripping manotaur cocks in hell for all eternity.

- [VH] Are you sure we're safe riding

in a 60 megaton kinetic space bomb

that's spinning out of control

to our Ally headquarters, Princess?

- [Kali] As safe as we can be, I suppose.

Are you nervous?

- [VH] A little.

- [Kali] Me too.

What if it's feudal?

She's still so beautiful.

- [VH] She?

- [Kali] Planet Earth.

- [VH] You grew up there, huh?

- [Kali] Yes.

And this is probably the last time I'll ever see her.

- [VH] Never say never.

- [Kali] VH, what if this is our last ride too?

These may be our last moments alive.

- Princess Kali, you're alive!

- Yes Bort, I made it off

the Archon mothership just in time.

Along with our colleague, Mr. Van Helsing.

- Thank heavens.

If we had the time to install our updated AI emotion cards

like we were supposed to we'd be so happy to see you.

- Well, I'll feel happy for us all, how about that?

- Deal, where are you now, Ma?

- [Kali] That's what I'm calling about, Bort.

I'm on VH's video risk communicator

inside an Archon bomb that's currently approaching you

at a high rate of speed.

- Oh dear, I see you on our radar.

You've just breached our autonomous navigation radius.

- We're going to collide

in T-minus 17 seconds unless we can--

- Hook us and reel us in, carefully.

- [Bort] Yes, man, hold tight.

- [Kali] Don't worry, Bort, we are.

- Attention, you are now entering the debarkation area.

No talking, no smoking, follow the red line.

You have the option to terminate

and be cremated on the premises.

If you elect his option,

notify the officer in your processing area.

- I'm so glad you two made it, VH.

I thought for sure you were space toast.

I mean, you ain't the Jack Van Helsing I remember

and I ain't sure that I trust the princess yet

but I'm really jazzed to see you two are safe and sound.

- Thanks Foot, the feeling's mutual.

- Yeah buddy, and good catch apprehending the Exterminator.

Your lone actions have saved untold lives

across countless galaxies.

- That's right, and on behalf of our entire Allied fleet

if you'd like to officially join us,

there's a fighter ship reserved for you.

Just say the word.

- Whoa, get out of here.

Me, a ranked Sasquatch?

Oh, if Pa could see me now!

- Is that a yes, big guy?

- Can I sleep on it?

I was thinking of disappearing back

into the woodwork of some remote planet someplace.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's kind of my thing.

- Understood, take all the time you need.

Let us know when you decide.

(buzzing)

(upbeat music)

- Good to see you back where you belong, X15642.

I trust you find your new shatterproof

and blast resistant cell comfortable?

- You can put me in a cell

within a cell within a cell, Allies.

Sooner or later I'll break free

and when I do you'll all pay.

- Not this time, X.

You're on a list for court ordered implosion and recycling.

All we're waiting on is for the judge

to sign the execution order.

- Then I'll see to it that Archon black ops

visits the judge in his quarters

and draws and corners him.

- That's so nice of you, X,

but it's her honor's quarters

and she's in an undisclosed location.

- We'll see if there's nothing else.

I was just in the middle of a self upgrade.

- Self upgrade, mm-hmm,

be sure to wipe down the glass when you're finished.

So long, X15642.

- Drop dead, Princess.

(epic music)

- [Kali] Good workout.

- [VH] Helps with tension.

- [Kali] I can think of other things to help with that.

- Yeah, such as?

- Why don't you kick back and spread 'em and I'll show you.

- There you go, threatening with a good time again.

- What can I say?

We have to enjoy our down time when we get it.

- You're gonna get it alright.

Come here, Princess.

(beeping)

(metal music)

- Allies never rest.

- If this keeps up I'm gonna need another clone of myself.

Until then, let's rock.