Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Two hands!

You try and get that any other way.

Come down if you're not gonna use two hands.

Don't look!

Turn around.

Don't look!

Clear?

Yes!

Well, it's not clear, is it, because you're in my drop zone!

Oh shit.

She's a mean climber, eh?

Yeah. She's been invited to national tree-climbing comps

- this weekend. - Whoo!

Hey, I'm gonna take Bear home before I start the chipper up.

Is that all right?

Clean that up.

Bear, come on. Last rounds.

Oh my God! Oh my God. Whoo.

Whoa.

- Come here. - I'm so sorry.

Oh, you gave the poor woman a fright, eh?

- Come sit down. - Yeah.

What were you doing over there?

OK.

Oh. What are you?

- I'm an arborist. - Ah!

- Cut trees down? - No, more like prune trees.

Well, you must cut some down.

We try not to, cos that's not... the job.

Sorry, don't look at that. It's not ready yet.

We will be waiting the full minute.

- Are you looking at it? - I-I can't see... any... Yeah.

Well. Sorry.

- OK. - Yep.

- All righty. - All right.

OK.

Is that you?

- Yes. - Yep.

- That you? - Yup.

Yep.

Is that you?

I have to do this. So is this you? Full name?

- Yeah. - Great.

OK. Let's have a look at this.

Ah. OK.

That is a positive result.

You are pregnant.

Congratulations.

Tapeworm can cause false-positive pregnancy tests.

All the time. All the time. Happens...

heaps. You can google it. It's quite a common thing.

It's not a thing.

Do I have tapeworm? Am I pregnant? You know, it's...

- And it's usually tapeworm. - It's not a tapeworm.

It's a baby.

I think it is- I think it is tapeworm.

Hands up - who's the nurse here?

OK? So, no heavy lifting.

None of this, and none of this.

All right? You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, thank you. Thank you. - OK.

Bye. Thanks.

- You did really well. - Uh-huh.

Oh, you're kidding.

You got blood on you. You scratch yourself?

What?

Yeah, yeah.

It's fine. I'm fine.

You were supposed to take Bear home.

What?

Didn't you go home to drop Bear off?

Oh, yeah, he wanted to stay.

Huh.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Wild.

Everyone here has a baby... or has a baby inside them

- or just is a baby. - I know.

Hey, what's inside that?

- Oh, here you go. - What?

Pink.

- Oh, thank God you're here. - Molly, what's up?

The baby showers and hen nights are blurring together.

Married, house, baby, done.

They're gone. They're parents.

- Yeah. - It's just us now.

- Hey, how was Thailand? - Yeah, it was good.

I stayed in a halfway house for orphaned elephants.

What are you up to?

Uh, world tree climbing masters.

True?

What is that?

Uh, you just climb a tree as fast as you can.

Wow.

- Hi! - Hey!

- Hey! - Thanks for coming.

- Yeah. - Can't wait to meet her.

Or him. What's it gonna be?!

Ah, we really don't mind,

as long as our tiny human is healthy.

Giant box says you kinda do mind.

I'm kidding, kidding.

- Joking. - Oh my God.

Did I tell you your dad is delivering my baby?

No. That's...

Wow. That's so weird!

No, are you kidding me? He's amazing.

So, uh, when are you two having kids?

Cos, seriously, it is the best thing I've ever done.

You haven't even had the baby yet.

You should have a baby at the same time as us.

- That would be so good! - Yeah.

- Have a baby. - Well, you know what?

I think we will now. What do you reckon?

Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. Right now.

- Right now! - Right... Right...

- Right now? - No, no, right now.

- Right now. - Right now.

Yeah. Really? Yeah?

- OK. Here. - Here? Yeah. Yeah. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm!

- Will you marry me? - Absolutely not.

In Tanzania,

one in 20 women die in childbirth.

OK, everybody! Welcome, welcome.

We're gonna do games soon, but first, the big gender reveal.

Come on, Mummy and Daddy!

Oh, I'm so nervous! I'm shaking.

OK.

It's a girl! Oh my God! I'm so happy!

Oh, it's a girl!

I said I didn't care, but I'm really happy! Oh my God!

How did you keep that a secret?

Oh! Oh my God! It's a little girl.

I hate this shit.

I'm gonna win all the games.

Yeah!

Yes! Yes, I won again!

Tim!

Hello.

Hello.

Oh.

Whoo! I love presents.

Is this yours, Molly? Cool.

The wrapping is so funky.

Wow!

It's like a... blanket thing.

It's from the charity in Calcutta where I volunteered.

Oh, thank you. That's so beautiful.

It's not. The mums and daughters are trying to

escape prostitution by sewing for foreigners.

Ooh, Nature Baby! Love it.

- Everything OK? - Can we go?

I hate it here.

We just lost another two of our friends.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

Why are you fondling fruit and touching your stomach like that?

I wasn't doing that.

Do you wish you were pregnant?

No. What?

Jesus. You can't just slip that in at Fruit World. No, I...

I think I've got a parasite, actually. Yeah.

What from?

I dunno. Molly's got a tapeworm from South America once, so I...

probably got it from the dog park. I dunno.

Really?

You're picking very racist fruits, actually.

Ha ha

- It's not a lettuce! - Whoa, whoa, OK! I'm sorry!

What...?

What's going on?

I'm really hungry, and you're freaking me out!

Well, here. Hey! Here, eat something.

Ugh.

Don't do that! Don't give me that.

You always cry when I cry. You always do that!

Hey, hey, hey. It's OK. What's going on?

OK. I've got so much to do. I'm an adventurous person,

and I've done nothing. I've done nothing.

What are you talking about?

You've got a big tree-climbing comp in Taupo.

I should've practised way more for that.

That was just supposed to be, like, a fun weekend away.

And it still will be a fun weekend.

We can go to Rotorua while we're there - do the luge,

the gondola, all the big ones, cos-cos we're adventurous.

I do wanna do Worlds.

OK. Really?

Yeah, yeah, this year, in Canada. I wanna go.

I wanna fly overseas, and I wanna win something.

I just... I just feel like I'm not...

living. You know, I'm a wild person. We're wild people.

- Yes! - We gotta... you know!

- We should do something wild! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - OK.

Well, if you qualify. Which you will! I...

- I'm in! - Yeah?

- Whoo! - Yes! OK.

Mud pools! That's another one. Bungee jumping!

What are you standing there for? Come on. Come on!

Yes! We're being reckless. Whoo!

No, don't, don't. Leave it, leave it. Just leave it.

Come on!

Come on.

Welcome to the NZARB

National Tree Climbing Championships.

Could all female climbers attending the Work Climb

please make your way to tree number three? Thank you.

Do you need anything?

- Have you warmed up your hands? - Yes.

It's this tree over there. Come on, come on. Let's go.

- I'm gonna win! - Let's go. Come on.

Come on! You got this, Zo!

Zoe, Zoe, Zoe...

Competitor, when you're ready.

Phew.

Come on! Yes, Zo!

Come on! Nice!

You got this, Zo!

Clear.

Points for accuracy. Come on!

Clear.

Clear.

Come on!

Clear.

Come on! You're almost there! You got it!

4.55. That's the fastest today.

Yes, Zoe! Yes!

Pretty good, I guess.

And now the winner of the women's Work Climb -

long-time climber, first-time competitor -

give it up for Zoe Manase!

Yay! Whoo!

- Qualified for Worlds. - Yay!

There you go. That's for you there.

- Oh, thank you. - No worries.

Take a picture!

- I, um-I just wanna- - Oh, we're not-

we're not doing speeches this year.

But I could pass on anything you have to say.

Yeah, well, just thanks for everyone showing up.

Thanks to everyone for showing up.

And also to my fellow competitors.

And also to her fellow competitors. That's it.

Yeah, whoo!

One more time for Zoe Manase!

Whoa.

All right. Now time for some adventure sports!

You don't have to do this. You can change your mind.

What's wrong with you?

Aren't you scared?

Just hold on to me. It'll be fine. I'll do the jumping.

I thought you wouldn't go through with it.

I thought that if I brought you up here,

y-you would tell me what was going on.

What?

- I'm not gonna let you do it. - I'll do what I like, actually.

Yeah, no shit, Zoe.

- Let me feel your stomach. - Wow! Wow. No, don't!

Stop it! Stop it! Don't! It's nothing to touch yet!

What?

And what does that mean?

Why didn't you...? How could you...?

What did you...?

What the fuck, Zoe?!

Why would you... bungee jump?!

I don't know, OK?

I thought there was, like, a grace period or something!

I don't know! You know how you can, like,

park for five extra minutes in the city? I don't know!

- I don't know! - I'm tellin' the man.

Do not tell the man. Don't you dare tell the man.

Are you pregnant?

Wow.

That is so rude.

- This is my normal tummy. - Yes.

You're lying to me and the man now.

That's a lot.

No, no, no. Please don't. Don't, don't! No, no, no! Stop!

OK.

Wow. Thanks

OK, let's do it. All the way to the edge.

Are you sure it's OK not to do a double tie-in? I-

Yeah, man. Here we go. Five,

four, three...

You OK, man?

Stop crying. He...

I'm sorry. He cries when I cry.

Stop crying. That's so embarrassing.

Just don't look at me. Just don't look at me!

Just get back! It's really dangerous!

J-Just sit down and don't come any closer.

Just hurry up and jump! Just do it!

OK, this time. Five, four,

three, two, one.

You have... ruined it for me!

Oh my God!

- What the fuck?! - You're so stupid!

- It's not OK! - I'm sorry.

You can't just push someone off the edge!

Oh, you're banned for life!

Are you OK?

I'm gonna be a dad!

We don't even have backpacks.

Now, hurry up. Give me the test.

Fuck, I wish I had, like, 20 leather bracelets.

Tim.

I already know what it's gonna say.

Well, I need to see it.

I want the experience. You left me out.

Oh my God. Give it here.

We're probably gonna have a baby.

I can't become one of those pregnant women, Tim.

What if I'm not me any more?

Well, do you wanna have a baby, then?

I wanna have a baby. I just don't wanna turn into a mum.

I don't want us to become dicks, you know?

We won't. Me and you will stay the same.

H-How...

How do you know you want a baby?

I don't wanna not have a baby.

Huh.

Well, I don't...

not wanna have a baby...

either.

It's too weird. It's so... Don't. Way too close.

I don't wanna miss it.

God.

You know being a dad doesn't start with the peeing.

Just don't look.

Don't.

This is the weirdest thing you've asked me to do, ever.

OK.

It's so happy for us.

Oh God.

Ohh!

Oh man!

I can imagine you pregnant.

It'll suit you.

Let's see.

Oh.

What are you- Oh, what are you doing?

Can you at least do my face?

I just...

I peed on that. Don't...

- Go tell the receptionist. - I'm gonna tell everyone.

- I love you. - Love you.

Perv.

It says here at four weeks,

our baby's the size of a poppy seed.

OK, no, concentrate. Let's make a list of everything

we need to do before the baby comes.

What is the wildest thing you can think of?

- Wildest thing. - Yip. Buy a boat.

Nice. OK, go bigger, even bigger.

A house. Should we buy a house?

No, shush, shush, shush. OK, I mean, like, adventurous,

like, crazy, like, you know...

Get a tattoo or... stay out for two days straight. You know?

Go dancing, like we used to do. Or, you know,

be a world champion of competitive tree-climbing.

I just came up with that off the top of my head. That's great.

Perfect.

- We didn't used to go dancing. - Yes, we did.

- We... We never did that. - Yes, we did. We did...

all the time.

OK. What is something you think you're gonna regret not doing?

I regret not doing drugs.

I didn't mean to skip drugs. Just no one ever offered.

Well, don't write that down! I'm not gonna start now, am I?

Well...

Or maybe just one pill of ecstasy,

in a-in a controlled environment.

Yeah, it's fine. It's on the list. Next. Go. Come on.

I'd like to stop doing dishes. Just eat off disposable plates.

My God, boring! So boring! Tim!

I'm embarrassed for you right now. Just anything. Anything.

First thing that pops into your mind. Bah! Go.

A threesome with your friend Molly.

- Now, you made me say that. - Why would she, Tim?

Why would she? That's...

'Threesome with... Molly.'

She's not even my hottest friend.

Zoe! Are you awake?

I like these bracelets.

Tim.

Uh,... hi.

How come you're here without me?

I was going to the bathroom, and then when I was on my way back,

I just heard this loud music, and I couldn't sleep.

Me neither.

I also wanted to take my trophy out to celebrate.

Can we go celebrate at a hotel?

Stop making me boring.

You're drinking for two now!

One more! One more! One more! One more!

Whoo!

What? Are you too drunk?

No.

No, it's just... Sorry.

It's...

It's like the baby knows. I can't stop thinking about it.

It's just a little speck. It's not even a baby yet.

Yeah, I know. It's just... It's right there, though.

I'm sorry.

You're gonna be such a good mum.

As soon as Speck divides enough cells to grow ears,

I'm gonna tell it that.

Hey, Zo.

What?

Will you marry me?

Not in a million years.

You're so sweet.

But after that?

Yeah, after a million years. Yeah, fine. Fuck you.

I can't wait to tell your parents.

Why did you put a bun in my mum's oven?

- What? - You're not. Are you?

- That's what that is. - That's not a bun. It's a bap!

- Oh my gosh! - I told you they were baps.

Congratulations, guys.

Oh, thank you.

- Awesome. - You're having a baby.

I know. Yep, I'm pregnant, and apparently, Tim made you mugs.

Ta-da!

Wow.

Oh.

Cool.

- Yeah. - Ooh.

Well, we really shuffled along the line.

I don't think I want to be called Nana.

I think I'd like my own special name,

one that doesn't make me sound so much like a grandma.

Yeah, same, same. Uh, what's Samoan for coach?

- Uh, Faiaoga. - Absolutely not.

- Faiaoga. - No. That's not happening.

Wow.

Will you deliver the baby, Sefa?

Oh my God, Tim, no! What?

- Ew, Tim! - No. You definitely cannot be

your own daughter's obstetrician, Tim.

Gross!

Did they do a transvaginal ultrasound?

Do not say 'vaginal' again, ever again, please. It's gross.

- Ooh. - No.

- Oh my God. Rude. - You can't eat that. No.

No cured meats.

- So, how far along are you? - Yeah, what's your LMP?

- I don't know what that means. - Last menstrual period.

No. Don't say these words.

Hmm. Just can't really imagine you pregnant.

You know? Sort of doesn't suit you or something.

Why? Cos I drive a truck and climb trees?

Kind of.

Was... Was it an accident?

You think all babies are accidents because I was.

You were not an accident, Zoe.

Mm

Oh, you look like you're gonna be sick.

- Mm. - No, you're not.

- Mm. - Yes, you are.

Not on the good rug, darling.

Pretty good at denial.

That's why she's not afraid of anything.

She's not feeling the right feelings.

Well, she's not acting like your regular pregnant woman.

Well, how should a pregnant woman be?

I dunno. How should a dad be?

Well, how should a dad be? I haven't got one of them,

so you just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.

Look, you don't need a dad to be a good dad, OK?

Your main job is just to cope and not go travelling,

because that is ridiculous.

Listen, Tim, I'm basically your dad.

I love you, and there's no need to talk about it.

Oh, look.

Still works. It's cool.

I don't want this stuff.

I only want this.

Ow!

- Are you happy now? - Yip.

Oh wow.

That's our baby.

That's Speck.

OK. All done.

Do you wanna know the sex?

- Yes. - No.

Oh, uh, I don't wanna know if you don't wanna know.

It's up to you.

I'll write it down for you.

Putting it in here.

So, you're in at 27 weeks, so well over halfway now.

Uh, no, no, no, no. That's a mistake,

cos, uh, well, we only just got pregnant.

Oh.

Well, this is pretty full-on for you guys, eh?

That's actually- That's not possible.

Cos that would mean that we were having a baby in-in-in...

- Really soon! - Yep.

Oh... shit!

Can you check it again? I think you might be wrong,

so could you do some...? I don't know what you...

It's fine. It's actually fine, because the tree-climbing Worlds

- are before the due date. - We only have one bedroom!

We just have to find someone to dog-sit Bear.

Then we can make half our room a nursery. We'll put up a curtain.

And then- And then that's two rooms.

We're not doing any of that.

Oh my God, blink. Please blink.

Take the day off.

What?

You can't do that tree without me.

Well, Sonny's around. Look, just-just go and nap.

Eat for two. It's my job to take care of you now.

Ew. No, it isn't.

I don't wanna just hang at home by myself.

You'll have a baby soon. You'll never be alone again.

That's such a messed up thing to say.

Come on, Bear.

Seriously.

Come on, Sonny.

Far, that's pretty high, eh.

We believe in you.

You said trees can kill you if you're not concentrating.

Well, you better concentrate.

I can't let you climb.

OK. The rule is if you were doing it

before you were pregnant, you keep doing it.

Your harness isn't even fitting.

- OK, well, then give me yours. - No. You could easily fall.

If you're grounding me, you can go fu-

You're grounded.

I should never have told you I was pregnant.

You didn't.

Hey! Get down, right now!

You are in a delicate condition!

Zoe, this is not OK!

If you go any higher,... you're fired.

I don't care if you fire me. I'm going away.

You can't go to Worlds pregnant!

I can do anything pregnant.

Come down now.

I do not wanna have to do an aerial rescue today.

Ooh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

Even if I needed rescuing, I wouldn't let you.

Whoo!

You can't get down, can ya?

Bro, can I get down?

Chur, my bro. Congratulations.

That's solid you're having a baby.

Far. Wish youse were my parents. My parents are arseholes.

- Yeah, my dad's an arsehole. - How come?

Well, he didn't wanna be a dad.

Do you remember him?

I just remember him not being there.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

my mum didn't even turn up to the meeting with the principal.

Far.

She was supposed to fight for me to not get kicked out of school.

Hey, um, I was wondering maybe if you and Zoe

can go talk to the principal with me.

I don't wanna go by myself.

I don't know if that's a good idea. It should be your mum.

I'll take you, Sonny. Tim's a fucking pussy!

Nah, nah, all good.

I don't even wanna go back to school anyways.

Uh, Tim,...

what is that?

I told 'em you were stuck.

Can you just hurry up? I need to go bathroom.

Zoe, don't climb trees while you're pregnant.

Get in the bucket, eh? Come on.

Your bucket's cheating, mate. Get some muscles and some rope.

Yeah, come on, tree rat. Get out of there. Get in here.

Yep, OK. I just can't. No, don't.

Don't. Don't touch me! Don't touch me!

Oh my God! Oh my God, you're weeing on me!

- Why are you weeing on me? - I told you not to touch me!

God. Oh my God. It's getting everywhere!

Jesus! I've got your pee on me. Get in the bucket.

- Yep. I'm sorry. - That is piss. This is piss.

Hey, mate, can you get something

to clean up your girlfriend's piss, please?

Thanks, Steve.

Unbelievable.

Tim, do you copy?

Got my ears on.

Copy.

My location is...

tree.

Amazing signal.

- Hi. - Hi.

Aren't you a bit tired of just being so responsible

all the time? It's like you're obsessed with being a dad.

Well, when the leaves start falling

off that tree, we're gonna have a baby.

And what's gonna happen?

Shall we get married?

No.

You nearly got me then. That was good.

I have a very important question for you.

Tim, would you do me the honour of joining me this evening

for the craziest night of your life? Over.

I'm OK, thanks.

Over and out.

It's on the list.

Shall we look at the yellow piece of paper?

Why do you have that jacket on? Aren't you hot?

What?

- Aren't you hot? - No.

No. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

You're kidding.

Ohh, gotta piss.

Y-You OK?

Sorry.

What are you doing?

- Whoo! - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop it!

Stop! Stop!

Stop.

Zoe! Come in!

Zoe!

Whoo!

Gotta tell you something.

What?

I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Whoa. I thought...

Really?

No.

I'm joking.

Oh!

Thank God.

Yeah.

I felt like I was gonna cry.

No, me and Tim are going away is what I was gonna tell you.

I qualified for the World Tree Climbing Comps, so...

going overseas.

Oh, that's so great.

You always wanted to go away, and you never did.

Oh man. I really thought you were pregnant.

No. God.

Imagine that.

Can I have your jacket? It's pretty cold, eh.

No.

No. No, no, no, Molly. No, no, no! Oh!

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Uh, uh, h-how was your night?

- Um... - What are you watching?

Nothing.

Give it here!

Give me your computer.

I am a vessel for life.

Oh my God.

- Are you getting off on this? - I'm preparing.

Why can't you just watch porn like a normal person?

I almost wish you were wanking to this.

This is what my body was designed for.

- Ugh. - Do not look at my history!

- Hey! - It's so weird. It's so weird!

One of us has to get ready.

When are you gonna stop taking work so we can go away?

I'm not. Dads are meant to provide for their families,

and we are having a baby, in case you forgot.

I can't forget. I- It's literally in me.

We are not going away, Zo.

Uh, yes, we are, Tim. We're going away,

because we've got two months to finish the list.

Well, there was six months at the start

- that you didn't tell me about! - That is not my fault!

Speck was hiding.

Did you clean the whole house?

Yeah.

Are you nesting?

No.

We're finishing that list, Tim.

I've got so much stuff to do before the baby comes,

and you're really not helping.

Are you in? Because you said you were in.

We can do yours first if you want.

You look so tired.

I'm glowing.

I am fucking radiant.

ZOE, INSIDE: Just take half if you want.

Hi, Tim. How are you?

Uh...

I'm good.

- Yeah? - I'll get the watch.

Hang on. Yeah.

- Ow, ow. - Sorry.

Yeah. Yeah.

OK.

- Kiss. Yeah. - OK.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Me too.

Mmm.

Mm.

Yeah.

- Mm. Yep. - Yep.

They're off.

- Oh. Ow. - Sorry.

Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

Mm!

Oh my God.

Oh my God. You are pregnant.

I thought you were just getting fat.

Why are you guys trying to have a threesome when you're about

to be a mum and dad? That is so twisted.

The baby won't know. We were just trying to do everything

we wanted to before the baby comes. It's not a big deal.

You lied to me!

- It's not her fault. - OK, only because

you stop being friends with our friends when they have babies.

- Now we can't be friends! - That's because

parents only wanna be friends with other parents.

I'm so sorry, Molly.

Best of luck for the future, guys.

Why can't you just pretend to be delighted for me?

- You don't seem delighted. - I'm-I'm really delighted!

Were you just gonna pop out a baby

and then keep it from me forever?

You're a baby.

You're a baby having a baby.

- Don't you want kids one day? - No!

Cos it is the worst thing that you could do for the planet.

Yeah, well, what if your baby solves climate change?

Shut up, Zoe.

You catch so many planes.

Hey.

Mmm.

Thought you would've still been interested in having sex

with just me.

You know, some guys have pregnancy fetishes...

and actually like it.

Stop being so respectful. It's...

I don't want you to look at me like I'm the mother

- of your child. - Why-Why can't I?

- You are. - I'm trying to be myself still.

Is that why you just tried to have a threesome

with your best friend and you've got lipstick on?

You've gone mental, Zoe.

I only did that for you. That's what you wanted.

Just-Just go away. Leave me alone.

I have to wait till this E wears off.

Nobody calls it E any more, Tim.

- Hi. Hi. - Hey.

Oh, you're pregnant too.

- Congratulations. - Yeah, thank you.

You're not special. Everybody's pregnant.

So, I've got a neat little checklist for you guys

to check off before baby arrives.

The baby. And also, we don't need that,

because all we need from you today is just the plane note.

Uh, no, not in your third trimester.

OK, you two, why don't we have a look at a birth plan?

Already got one.

I was thinking, uh, chocolate fountain, fairy lights,

you know, just, like, fireworks... on standby outside.

A glitter bomb, so as soon as the baby comes out...

Oh, Sonny has, like, his hip-hop dance group

he's part of, so we could get them involved,

get them to choreograph something.

And I was also thinking it would be nice

if you could dress up a little bit,

make a little bit of an effort.

Zoe, there's, uh, something called pregnancy negation.

A lot of women suffer from, sort of, severe adjustment issues.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. She-She's got that. She has that thing.

You cannot fly after 30 weeks without a medical note.

Yeah, we're gonna need that note today.

- Why don't I give you- - My uncle is dying.

Is he?

- In Canada. - In Canada, right.

I thought that plan was good.

Bear.

Aw. Wanna come too, Bear?

OK, everyone, let's take a seat, please.

We're about to begin a magical journey

into what is the rest of your lives on what we call...

the train to parenthood.

Everyone at the station, please.

Take a seat. Sit in a chair. We're on a tight schedule here.

It's nine months.

As I said, there are no dumb questions, all right?

Chances are,

if you're thinking it, soe else here is as well.

All right, birthing partners,

you're gonna wanna take this ball and roll it

on their lower back.

- Are you just here by yourself? - No, no, she's meeting me here.

She's, um... She's on her way. Sorry.

All right. That ball there, the counterpressure

will help alleviate your birth partner's back pain

during the labour.

Do you have a support person?

Oh, he's not coming.

Right, OK. So there's no one here with you.

- No. - OK, cool. Lean forward.

I'll be your partner. Everyone up, please. Bit of enthusiasm.

You're about to bring a miracle into this world.

- So, sorry, you're all alone? - Yeah, yeah.

Just in this whole process by yourself?

- Yeah. - Do you have some savings

- or something? - A little bit.

Mm, K. That won't be enough.

Thanks for helping me out today, Zoe,

especially since Mum couldn't make it.

Of course. This is important. I've got your back.

- What are you supposed to be? - Your mum.

You look nothing like my mum... or anyone's mum.

Shut up, dick. These are my mum's clothes.

Just be you.

Just let me do all the talking, OK?

Hello.

Hello.

I'm sorry it's taken us so long to... speak to each other,

but as you can see, I am... heavy with young.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Sonny,

when you shove Mr Bennett down H Block stairs...

and give him a head injury,...

you're telling me that you don't wanna be at school.

Nah, I do, Miss.

- He was giving me shit. - Don't say shit.

Don't say shit.

My understanding of the situation is that Mr Bennett

made fun of Sonny in class

for not being able to read something.

And that could've been an accident, yeah?

I mean, many questions I have - why was Mr Bennett

standing at the top of the stairs at lunchtime?

You know, what kind of shoes was he wearing?

- I have an owl theory. - You victim-blaming Mr Bennett?

No. No.

My point is that my son does not deserve to be humiliated

in a classroom by a teacher whose job it is to nurture him.

Well, he can come back. We probably would've let him

if his mum had come to the board meeting.

Me.

No, his real mum. You're not his mother.

- Yes. - No.

- Yes. - No.

Sonny is my son,

and this will be his...

sibling, in here.

- Nah. - How can you be sure?

Well, you see, you do a lot of work experience for us,

and you are known as the tree woman, so...

I am pregnant. That-That is true.

I can see that.

Well, I'm glad we cleared this up.

Me too.

Thank you.

- See ya, Sonny. - See ya, Miss.

Here.

Colour this in for me.

- Can you pass the purple? - Yeah.

Thanks.

Sorry, I'm Tim.

Oh, Beth.

- Nice to meet ya. - You too.

I think it's really cool that you came by yourself.

I just went through a big break-up.

Gotta do what's best for baby, eh?

The baby.

Yeah.

I needed you to be at that antenatal class.

I had to be partners with someone who was...

- What? - ...not you.

Why couldn't you just come, for me? Where were you?

What's this?

Tickets.

Why-? Why would you-? Why do you always-?

We're not settling down, OK? We're going travelling.

- I'm gonna go to Worlds! - No, you're not!

Can you get a refund on these tickets?

Well, I can get one on your ticket.

You can't keep acting like nothing's changed.

I'll do what I want, actually.

This has to stop!

Look, I get that you wish you could still climb trees

and go to Worlds, but you're risking our baby's life!

You have to stop.

We're supposed to be living our dreams together.

- You said we would. - No, my dream

is to have a family - with you!

And maybe just be a bit boring and grown-up.

I know you hate being pregnant. I wish I could do it for you,

because you are fucking so bad at it.

You think you're gonna be such a good dad, but you're not.

Dads turn into their dads.

What-What are you doing?!

Bear! No!

No!

Oh!

Bear! Bear!

Bear!

Bear!

Bear! Bear!

Boy, what a big jump! What a big jump!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

- How-How is he OK?! - I have no idea!

What is wrong with you?

Well, why did you have to say that to me?!

Why didn't you just catch the ball?!

Why didn't you just not almost kill Bear?!

Come on, Bear. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on.

What is that?

I don't need your help.

I don't think you need me at all.

I don't.

Well, you have our baby by yourself, then!

I was so happy when you talked us into getting a dog.

It meant that we were permanent.

You're supposed to love me no matter what.

Yeah, well, you're making it impossible.

You know, it's pretty hard to love you sometimes, Tim,

but at least I force myself to.

So, is that it, then?

Yeah.

Me and you.

Look at me.

How are you not crying?

Um, do you wanna just take a moment and come back later?

No, it's fine. Sorry.

Whoo. OK. OK.

Just one more.

Is that good?

No, it's not good. It wasn't good.

Tim's the love of your life.

Yeah, well, you can't know who the love of your life is

till you're pretty close to being dead, Mum.

Is the baby kicking lots?

Have you had your whooping cough vaccinations?

I don't know. I had vaccinations at the travel doctor.

Travel-? Zoe, you cannot go overseas.

Dad, I am an internationally competitive tree climber.

You can't be selfish any more when you're a mum, Zoe.

When you have a baby, it's like you forget about yourself

for a bit, because your heart's

running around outside your body.

I don't wanna just hate my baby and become just another mum.

You don't wanna be like me is what you're saying.

No. Why? Did you hate your baby?

- You were not an accident, Zoe. - You were not an accident.

You weren't.

Can you just stop being parents for one second?

Jeez.

Think you might be expecting me.

Wow. You didn't lie on your profile.

Mm. It's a little judgemental.

No, I just-I meant...

I thought your photo was fake for sure.

Oh, just because I have a fetish, doesn't mean I'm a liar.

I didn't mean that. I just...

No, I'm just glad you're not, like, a...

like, a creep or anything.

And I'm really glad we found each other.

It is very hard to find a beautiful, single woman

with a bonus in her belly.

How pregnant are you?

A lot.

Why do you like pregnant women?

Some people think it's the glow. No, no, it's...

it's just that it's really wrong to think of a pregnant woman

in a sexual way, you know? It's...

It's hot.

It's dirty.

Thank you.

Plus, you know, you can't get pregnant again.

But, I mean, we can take it slow.

You can touch it if you like.

OK.

Ohh. Wow.

You are so pregnant.

Oh my goodness.

- Oh, uh... - Yeah?

- Yeah. - OK. Cool.

Wait. What's wrong?

You OK?

What's going on?

Uh...

I'm not allowed in there.

Can I get a flat white, please?

Decaf for you, though, right?

- Excuse me? - I don't-I don't know.

- Cos I'm pregnant? - No.

- How dare you? OK? So... - Sorry. I didn't-

Oh! My sugar.

She's actually allowed up to two cups a day.

Sorry about that.

Have mine.

Thanks for being nice to me, Brian.

Whoa!

- Yeah. - Yip.

Thanks.

Hold my hand.

Have a seat.

- What are you doing? - Getting my one-second video.

- Don't. - Got it.

All right, so, we've got a lot to get through today.

Can I have all the women up lining across the room

in order of your due dates, please?

That's right - up off your seats. Yeah.

And we've got a new one - Zoe, is it? When are you due?

I've forgotten.

19th of June.

- 19th of June. - Oh, June 19th.

Jump over here with all our other June babies.

You guys all know each other from having sex in September.

Do you know what you're having?

No.

Not really a details person, are you?

- Excuse me? - Well, Mummy doesn't know much.

OK, you need to leave.

Thank you. Out of the classroom. Yeah. Out the door.

I'm sorry.

Beth, you were being a bitch, though.

What is the matter with you?!

Me? You just found someone else to be a dad with.

Who the fuck is Brian?!

I'm a preggophile, Tim.

You know what? You're banned from the labour. OK?

- I don't want you there. - It's my baby as well.

Pretty sure it's mine. It's mine, actually.

It's definitely more mine than yours.

Not too uncomfortable?

No.

Wow. You look...

achingly beautiful.

Cheers.

Is that OK? It doesn't feel too weird?

No, no, no, no.

Whoa.

- It's nice. - Yeah.

- Oh. - Mmm.

Oh.

- OK. - Shall we?

You're strong.

Wow. Ooh.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't. I know-You know-

- Yeah, no, I can't do it. - What's wrong?

- It's just a bit too much. - I'm sorry.

No. No, no, no, no. It's fine.

But I don't know what I was actually thinking.

Zoe, wait, please. Please don't go.

Zoe! I think I felt your baby kick before.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Hi.

Um, I need you. Can you please come get me?

I'm sorry, Mol.

I didn't want you to think of me as, like, pregnant Zoe.

When I'm a mum, I'm just gonna have, like, no mum friends.

I'm just gonna have all the same friends.

I just really want my old life back.

Everything's fucked.

I'm sorry about you and Tim.

Can I have that bracelet?

Can I have all of them?

Thanks.

Ugh.

You've got tiny wrists.

Enjoying work? Yeah?

Just watch out.

You happy there? Ooh, here we go.

Oh, there's an ant on that.

Yeah. Sorry, darling.

My baby's gonna be...

brown!

Whoa.

- Thank you. - Hm.

Hey, will you come overseas with me tomorrow?

You can use Tim's ticket.

But you can't go overseas, though.

Sorry, sweetie.

Cute.

Cute.

Cute, cute, cute.

The tunes sound like post-natal depression,

but it's the only thing that gets Frankie to sleep.

Thank you, Alice.

Lovely, isn't it?

I invited Tim to come today, but... he didn't want to.

I didn't want him to come. Can you stop talking to Tim?

You sure you wanna do this by yourself, Zo?

I can do anything by myself.

Can you move your arms by yourself?

No.

No, I can't.

You can stay here,

but I'm not gonna look after your baby for you.

It's your baby.

I'm not gonna be here. I'm leaving.

Aah! Ooh!

- Ooh! - Zoe!

Dinner's ready!

- You all right? - Yeah. Thank you.

Thanks so much. Won't be long.

Any day now.

- Congratulations. - Oh, it's-it's not mine.

Oh. OK.

I- I'm actually having a baby, though.

Like, you're having a baby with someone else?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Sounds like you've got quite a bit on.

Yeah, it's... it's not like that. It's just a coincidence,

because I met her at our antenatal class, and, uh...

No, it sounds bad. It sounds really bad.

It-It is quite bad.

Dude.

You're running the wrong way.

Are you pregnant?

Sorry. I'm... so sorry.

Forget I said that. Have a good flight.

You don't look it.

Zoe! Zoe!

Ooh.

Ohh.

Ma'am,...

are you in labour?

OK.

I'm calling an ambulance.

Zoe.

- Penny. - Tim, the hospital called.

- Zoe's gone into labour. - She's not supposed to be.

- It's too early. - I know.

She doesn't want us there, but I think you should go.

OK.

Ooh! Ooh.

Oh. Uh, Zoe? I'm gonna need you to get back on the bed, please,

for the monitor.

Do you want me to call someone yet, or...?

No! I'm fine. I'm actually fine, cos I actually like being alone.

It's quite good for me.

- OK. - Yeah.

Thank you.

Catch ya later.

- I'm still here. - Oh.

- Yeah. Do you have any Frujus? - Nope!

- OK. - No. None at all.

It's fine. Whoo.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Zoe?

You can't keep sneaking off the bed.

How bad is the pain from one to 10?

- One. - One?

- Mm-hm. - 10 is the most extreme,

the most extreme pain. So from one to 10...?

Zero, then.

- Yeah, you're tellin' porkies. - I'm not.

- Yep. - Nah.

- It's not impressing me. - Like, a negative-one.

Not impressing me.

You got this, bro.

Oi, dads wear seat belts too.

Yip.

Aah!

Ooh.

Get on the bed!

Aren't you glad I wasn't on the bed?!

- Come on. - Wait, I'm disgusting.

- Come on. - Block your nose.

I don't care. There's nowhere to hide when you're in labour.

Man.

If only there was someone you knew, you know?

Maybe someone I could call?

Do you think pgnant women just become mothers

- as soon as they give birth? - Um,...

yes.

- Yep. - What if I become a dick?

I think you're already a dick.

I know.

Quite a dick.

You decide if you're comin' or goin', OK?

Hi.

Hi.

I'm probably gonna have a baby today.

That's great, Zo.

That's so good.

Um, so, I'm at the hospital,

and I was just kind of hoping you might be able to come,

cos I, um...

I'm really scared,

and, um, I think I need you,...

cos I've kind of forgotten how to be me, and, um,...

I think I need you to remind me.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. I'm coming, OK?

I'm gonna be there really, really soon.

Yeah. OK.

- Oh fuck, bro! The pigs! - Oi!

Just don't be scared.

- Oh, you forgot your suit! - It doesn't matter!

Stay on the phone, Zoe, OK?

- Bro, just go! - Hey! Get back here!

- Whoo-hoo! - Hey!

Where are you? Are you running?

OK, I'm comin' in.

- Ohh! - I'm here!

What?

How'd you get here so fast?

I was outside.

Oh God! Let me die! Let me die, Tim.

Do you think you could die, or are you just saying that?

You can get in if you want.

Oh my God! I shouldn't be alive!

Come here. Can you please come here?

Well, I mean, that's blood. That's... That is your blood.

Yeah. Come here. Just come over here, please.

- Oh my God! - Oh, here we go, here we go.

- Yeah. Come here! - Wha... Wha...

- What should I do? - Just touch me.

Just touch me somewhere. Just touch me.

Ooh. Oh my God.

I thought I knew what motherhood is, and I just don't.

I don't know, actually. I just want Speck to be OK.

Speck will be. He's a honeydew melon.

Hey, let's do the next contraction together, OK?

OK. OK. I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

It's just a one-person thing, but just... OK.

Let's do that.

- You ready? - Yes!

You are not chilling out in a spa pool!

What are you doing in there?

That's... blood. Oh my God. Why didn't you tell me

there was blood? Get out. Both of you, get out.

OK.

- OK. OK. - I think I am in labour now.

Oh, OK. Terrific You're gonna need a caesar as well.

That baby is coming out right now.

Ohh.

OK. We're ready.

Almost there.

And here's your baby.

This is Zoe. She's your mum.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Whoa!

- What the hell are you doing?! - What are you doing?!

You just got glitter in her abdomen! You got glitter

- in the incision. - Oh my God. Oh.

- Get outta here! - I'm so sorry. I...

I really thought that was gonna be magical.

Come on. Come with me. Get out.

I'm so sorry! Please let me stay.

Oh, what do you think this is - a bloody 21st or something?

Go with him.

All right, Dad. Come with us.

- Go. - Unbelievable.

I'm so sorry, guys. He's been a pain in the arse all day.

Look at him in his little warm plastic house.

So beautiful.

I wonder when we can take him home.

I'm so embarrassed. I was gonna run away.

I didn't know it was you. It was you all along.

I love you.

I would chainsaw my own arms off if it meant you were OK.

I don't know how I'd do the other arm, though.

Figure it out.

Hey.

That's your dad. Yeah.

- That's your mum. - Hi.

Do you wanna stay the night?

Yeah.

You're not allowed.

I don't care.

I'm glad you're up, Speck.

I've made you something.

Oh gosh.

- In here? Yeah? OK. - OK.

There we go.

Yay!

Uh, do you think we got one?

Hand down.

Can we just photoshop the finger out?

No.

Look. Oh, look at them. And one, two, three.

Look at Mummy!

Look, Speck. Way up there.

Whoo!

Hey!

Look at Mummy!

You're not even looking. Rude.

Hey!

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