Original subtitles

Damn. Internet's harsh.

[Computer voice] Scrubbed 90 %.

Oh, so close.

[Edmund] Oh, good, you're here.

So we're launching Scrubr in a week.

What?!

[Phone chiming] Ugh, it's Tom.

Who's Tom?!

Our lead investor. You met him.

Look, he's called six times in the last 48 hours.

If he calls you, don't pick up.

Why are we launching this in a week?

We need more coders.

Also, it's not even testing efficiently.

Because we're running out of money

and I may or may not have told the investors

that we're 100 % ready to go

and expecting a million paid downloads on day one.

Why would you do that?

Because that's what we do in Silicon Valley.

We move fast. We break things.

We over-promise, over-deliver.

We fake it till we make it.

So conning. No, it's not conning.

It's not relevant because I saved us

by calling in a favor from very high up,

and I got us a meeting with Jerry fucking Harrison.

No way.Yeah.

The guy with the hammer with the big fruits?

Comes out with the overalls?

Nice ass. No, Gallagher?

Big ol' fatty? You're horny for Gallagher?

No, it's Jerry Harrison,

the messiah for millennial tech-based marketing.

We're gonna go meet him tonight.

Here's his Insta.

Oh, cool. He hangs out with Skrillex.

Yeah, and Martha Plimpton.

He's in Martha Plimpton's home.

Villa in Turks and Caicos.

I thought it was "Keikos."

No. [Phone chiming]

Ugh, please tell me that's not Tom.

No, it's Daniel, your doorman.

Daniel? My doorman? Why's he calling you?

Because we recently connected. He aged really hot.

And I need pussy! Get outta here!

Oh, God.

Let me get my goddamn game on. Shit.

♪♪

I mean, I like Alice.

Just she has a lot of breakdowns.

I don't like it when they cry.

[Laughing]

All right, I'll see you next week.

Oh, no, no, wait. I made you something.

Wait. Oh.What?

Oh, cool!

A spoon!

No, no, no, no, no.

It's a deconstructed mirror.

It represents the controlled chaos

I see in you.

Well, thanks.

Yeah.

Do you wanna go on a date sometime?

I'm having rectal surgery next week.

I'm kidding!

Is that a yes or a no? Yes, of course!

Okay.

♪♪

[club music plays]

[Jerry] Yo, yo, what up?!

Team Scrub-a-dub-dub

all up in my club!

This is business, baby! Whoo!

Wow. Is this his office?

Whoop, whoop! Team Scrubr in da hey-yo!

Jere, thank you so much for meeting us.

Um, we just brought some materials...

Branding guidelines, rough designs, and whatnot.

Okay, cool. Let me see that.

Yeah!

[Glass shattering, electrical buzzing]

Oh...

That's what I think of that.

Folks, this is the future.

Brand strategy, PR, digital marketing...

None of it matters!

Unless you have the what? The...

Hair.

Coping mechanism...

Dream, stupid.

Dream.Dream.

[Panting, chuckling] What is that?

Oh, this? This is my B12 supplement, yeah.Oh.

It's super healthy.

It's like great for my workouts.

It works faster if you snort it.

Oh! Oh, cool, yeah.Yeah.

It's really good for your fingernails.

[Snorting]

Feel that in your hemorrhoids.

[Laughing]

Right?

It's like almost like a... gasoline element to it.

Oh, my God. Then that's my coke.

I'm sorry. This is my B12.

'Cause I usually use... My bad, huh.

Hey, Corinna, this old lady

just snorted half of my coke.

Can I get some more?

Why are we here, Edmund?

I just did cocaine.

The tip of my nose is sweatin'.

Oh, yeah. Speeding.

Yeah!

Look, can you at least act

like you've been at a marketing meeting before?

This guy's sleazy. He's bullshittin' us.

And that was real cocaine! I gotta go.

Oh, you're waddling.

Hey, where'd your aunt go?

Why does she sound like Danny DeVito?

Oh, it's more of a young Carol Channing.

She just went to the bathroom.

Well, that's gross.

Um, all right, listen.

The answer to all your marketing needs...

is a giant newsworthy, history-making party

this Saturday night.

Wait, this Saturday? Uh-huh.

I mean, that sounds great. It just seems a little fast.

Let me tell you something.

We market Scrubr to a demographic

of... of highly impressionable yuppie millennials.

Dude, we're gonna break the fucking matrix.

You are a genius.

Now let's talk about the face of our product.

That would be Nora.

That's a terrible idea.

She's a hard four, and I don't know

how to market that shit.

[Nora groaning, toilet flushing]

Good Lord! [Nora continues groaning]

Okay, just clean her up for our audience.

And yeah, the clam is ours for the suckin'.

You know what I mean? [Makes sucking sounds]

Hey, Wally, do you have any AA batteries?

[Exhales]

What the heck?

[Camera shutter clicks]

Lewei's so lame.

Okay, Jerry, are you ready

to see the new Nora?

This is truly my best work.

Get out!

Thin-rimmed glasses, side ponytail,

post-post-modern Japanese turtleneck,

health goth sweatpants, and nylon-sock shoes.

It's so tech, it's perfect.

Thank you.

[Mimics Elizabeth Holmes] Yeah, thank you.

Wait... [wheezing laugh]

Are you doing the, um...

the Elizabeth Holmes voice?

Ooh, my God, that is such a great idea.

Edmund, great job, baby.

You know who else did a great job?

Uh, me.

Check out this ad I made.

Behold, the Scrubr launch fest.

Hoo...

Wow, cronuts.

[Jerry] Dronuts.

They're cronuts delivered by drones.

VIP tents and villas.

Oh, that one looks like the Flintstone house.

Yeah, and all for the small price of 45K.

♪♪

A Lady Marmalade reunion?! [Jerry snickering]

Oh, my God, Jerry, this party's gonna be incredible.

I know.

♪♪

[deep voice] Scrubr!

Jerry, I am so impressed,

I just took a mocho-choco-lata-yaya

in my pants.

Did you come? Not really.

If we need to get this done by Saturday, though,

we still have a lot of work to do.

You lost your octave.

[Deep voice] In order to accomplish this by Saturday,

we have a lot of work to do to pursue our mission

that we initially set forth.

Good, but you blinked like five times.

Elizabeth Holmes never blinks.

[Deep voice] I'll work on that.

Fuck!

[Muttering] 30 %.

Your tag is off right there. No, it's not working!

No... It doesn't...

[Jerry] Incoming!

There's my Venus, there's my fire.

Here I am, your desire.

Boom!

What do y'all think of collapsible mansions?

Stadium seating.

Ice room.

Vodka luge.

Wow, Jerry, this is fantastic.

Um, so the code is still rough,

but it's getting there and...

Doesn't matter, okay?

We don't get downloads by having a perfect product.

We get downloads by marketing a perfect...

Product.Product.

That's right. Thank you. Yes. [Phone vibrating]

Edmund? [Jerry] What up, homes?

I don't feel good about this.

No. Stop. No, it's weird. It...

I'm stupid, but I know, I know enough

that this is impossible.

He knows what he's talking about.

Stop being difficult. Look, he's wearing a Henley

and a Seersucker blazer, he's a genius.

Okay, No-ra?

It's just Nora.

Got you an interview

with "Ferbes" magazine.

What is "Ferbes"?

Millennial "Forbes," yeah!

It's much more "audienced."

Man, they don't even have a website.

They have a hashtag.

So where will the interview be posted?

Nowhere. But everywhere, yeah.

But everywhere. That's right.

Come on, bring it in.

Here, hook me up. No.Okay.

How are you enjoying your...

[deep voice] Death by Poison?

Yes, it's good. It's good.

It's got root beer in it.

[Man] The pain!

Oh! But then, oh, the freedom!

[Laughing maniacally] [glass shattering]

[chuckling]

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I thought this was gonna be a lot more,

you know, funny-scary, not scary-scary.Yeah.

You're... you're not having a good time.

No, I'm having fun. It's just...

When I was a kid, I got... I got...

I got trapped in this haunted maze...

[gasps] ...for like 28 hours.

So it's a little triggering. Oh, no!

But it's okay. Maybe we could...

[phone vibrating] Oh! Sorry.

I'm sorry, I... [phone continues vibrating]

Oh, it's my mom.

She's called me like five times.

I'm sorry, I think I better take this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phone continues vibrating]

[creepy music plays]

Hey, Mom, what's up? Everything okay?

Where are you?

I... got a business thing.

Ha! [Screaming]

What was that?

Just, you know... [nervous chuckling]

kids playing in the park.

Yeah! [Crowd cheering]

[man laughing menacingly]

Ma, don't worry about it. I'll be home later. Bye.

Yeah!

Shit.

[Phone beeping]

[Grandma's voice] Winking rabbit giving a thumbs-up sign.

Yeah!

♪♪

Okay, this office is fully amazing.

There's like Christmas stuff up.

There's like sports stuff up.

I love it, I love you. You're dynamic.

[Giggling]

I'm Justin Schultz Boudreau,

editor-in-chief of "Ferbes" magazine.

The most famous people in my phone

is currently a tie between Billie Eilish

and Hillary Clinton. [Chuckles]

I'm here with Nora Lin.

She's gonna tell me all about Scrubr.

Here we go.

[Mimics Elizabeth Holmes] Oh, hi, Justin. Um...

Let me sell you a fantasy.

Imagine a world where literally everyone

can exist free from memes

and online destruction.

Mm, amazing.

I love that and I love your vision.

Thank you.

Let's blast it out right now.

[Gasps]

♪♪

Do you see it? No.

♪♪

Whoa! 18,000 likes in an hour?!

Oh, this party's gonna be awesome!

[Bubbles popping sound]

Should be right here. [Gasps]

[ominous music plays]

Ohh!

[Gasps]

We're fucked.

[Edmund] I need this curbside in like 25 minutes.

So, yeah, this is actually plugs...

Jerry! Jerry!... but this is real hair.

Yeah. This is a disaster.

The stage isn't even built.

Is Lady Marmalade even coming?

Trust me! Yes, Lady Marm...

Are you thirsty?

I'm gonna get water. You want water?

No. Shit, fuck. [Phone chiming]

Shit, fuck. Shit, fuck, shit, fuck.

Hi, Tom. [Tom] Is everything okay?

Yes, things are going great.

I cannot wait to see you... tomorrow!

So you want us to like help you build a gazebo?

Yes, that would be great.

We need 45 along this corridor

and then another 65 along this corridor.

Bruh, bruh, I couldn't build a bear to save my life.

Wow. Yeah, um,

and I just got a mani, so...

Thank you and thank you.

You know what?

For nothing!

Hey, do you wanna go 69?

Word?

I'd love to.

You didn't even hold hands right!

You goddamn traitors.

Yo, this is a mess.

Daniel, thank you so much for coming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.

I'm just... Oh, my God, I'm overheating.

Okay, all right. Okay, just breathe.

Um, also, by the way, you look great.

You look really good.

Last time, orange hair.

This time, you know, turtleneck.

Stop! Glasses, you look good.

I look like fucking human shit right now.

No, you look, you look beautiful.No.

[Both chuckling]

That's... I need gazebos!

Uh, okay.45 along this corridor

and then another 65 there.

There should be directions. I got you, I got you.

You can take your shirt... Yeah!

What?!

[Laughing]

You're... you're so bad.

Stop!

[Laughing]

Ooh, okay.

Are you gonna fuck my doorman?

Shut up, Edmund! He's right there!

Yo, Edmund, what's up?

Hi... Daniel.

You got a package.

♪♪

I don't know if you've ever

had a ride in a convertible.

I bought one on my 40th birthday.

If you ever...

I'm allergic to too much air.

Yeah.

Oh. Hi.

Hey.

I'm... I'm sorry again... [Grandma] Wally!

Ma?

Is this rehab?

Oh, I knew you were on drugs.

What is it?

Meth, shrooms...? No. Ma!

Ice horse? Ma.

Crack dabs?

If you say opium... What?

...I will slap the yellow out of you.

Ma! What are you doing here?

I'm glad that you're getting help

from all these other losers.

But why didn't you come to mefirst?

Ma... this isn't rehab.

It's a support group for single parents!

Oh, but you have that weird spoon.

And the other night with all that screaming.

I was on a date, okay?

With Brenda!

I thought we weren't allowed to date in the group.

Oh, Toby... no.

Ma, Brenda gave me the spoon.

And it's not a spoon, all right?

It's a deep and meaningful art piece

about self-expression and quiet chaos!

Yes, thank you.

You're welcome.

So you're not on drugs?

No.

And I didn't tell you about the date

because I knew you would go crazy.

I'm not going crazy!

Hello.

Hi.

Are you divorced or is your husband dead?

Uh... Oh, my God!

Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

I'm really sorry about everything.

No.I...

I like you.

I like you.

Yeah?

I-I just want a do-over, you know?

Let's do it, yeah.Okay.

The last few days have been really hard

because my son is on drugs!

[Sobbing hysterically]

♪♪

What's up, fam?

This is absolutely Justin S.B. from "Ferbes."

And we're 'bout to hit up the Scrubr launch party.

Okay, if you saw this viral video,

then you know it's gonna be absolutely spectacular.

And what is this?

[Ominous music plays]

Okay, absolutely not. Let's go.

Torch it.

[Camera shutters clicking]

♪♪

Get a photo of that sick girl.

Ha-ha-ha, welcome to Scrubr!

Um, where's the VIP tent?

Where's the bar?

When do the Ladies Marmalade go on?

Uh-huh.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry! Jerry!

Okay, so, um, we're leaving.

No. No-no-no. No, we're gonna turn this around.

We can turn this around. Stop! We can change it.

We can make it better. We can make it good.

Justin?! Please? No, no. No!

There are no refunds!

Burn it down!

♪♪

[crowd screaming]

Edmund, I can't do this.

This isn't me. I have to go.

Nora, come on, we're a team. We have to stay.

[Sobbing] Oh, God.

Oh, God...

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God...

Tom! Edmund!

What the hell is going on?

All right, Tom, I'm gonna get real with you.

I never should have hired that marketing idiot

to throw me this bullshit launch party.

And I never should have lied to you about

the money or the subscribers or how successful I was...

or wasn't.Don't worry.

I still believe in you.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Oh!

[Banging] [Tom groaning]

♪♪

[Edmund sobbing] [siren wailing]

[sobbing continues]

♪♪

[Edmund sobbing]

Oh, it's over.

I'm done in Silicon Valley.

[Monotone voice] Don't say that, Edmund.

We promised a million users.

You know how many we got?

Eight!

I coded a genius app,

and only eight people downloaded it!

You know, number eight is a lucky number

for the Chinese.

Grandma, read the room!

We didn't make any money.

We're the laughing stock of the Internet.

My pits stink!

And now no investor will ever trust me ever again.

[Theme music plays on TV]

I'm here reporting live from Flushing Meadows Park

from today's disastrous launch party

for the new app Scrubr... [changes channel]

The hashtags PrayForFlushing, FlushingStrong,

and ScrubrDisaster began trending almost immediately...

[changes channel] Marketing guru Jerry Harrison

put the blame on Scrubr cofounders Nora Lin

and Edmund Lin, who could not be reached for comment.

Of course we can't be reached.

We've gone into hiding

[muffled] forever!

[Sobbing] Edmund?

You're gonna have a stroke.

Just chill out. [Groaning]

They apparently never even secured a proper permit

for the event,

leading to what we've been told

will be thousands of dollars in fines.

For New York News, I'm Rosie Noesi.

[Dramatic music plays]

[speaking Chinese]

It's happening.

What's happening?

Chinsent called. They want to buy out Scrubr!

Dude, congrats. Have a Kinder egg to celebrate.

No, listen, ya dumb. It's not just me.

The wanna hire us. Why?

They saw Scrubr on the news,

and now they wanna acqui-hire us...

Acquire the tech and hire us.

Hey, what's going on?

Grandma, this huge Chinese tech company

wants to buy out all our investors,

pay all our fines, and fly us to China,

put us up in capital "A" apartments,

and then pay us more money

than we've ever made in our entire lives!

Oh!

Scrubr is back, honey! Gag!

Ah, China! So exciting.

I've never even been on a plane before.

Yeah, well, popping your plane hymen

in first class sounds pretty good, right?

No, that sounds disgusting.

But yes, yes!

So we're gonna live there?

Yeah, I literally just explained it

to both of you. I...

I left my country to go to a land of opportunity.

Sounds like it's your turn.

We're going to China!

[Excited screaming]

Curtain, end of act one of "Wicked."

[Inhales, then exhales]

♪♪

[man] Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?