Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ It's so weird ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" plays]

[sneezes]

[man on PA] Hey, there, Cheapco customers--

50-pound bags of frozen fish livers are now on sale

in aisle 50.

[grunting]

You know, while I get this, would you be a couple sweeties

and get me some paper towels?

Sure. Come on, Scott.

Except... I have no idea where it is.

The nose knows! Follow me.

[sniffs]

[humming]

Hey! [muttering]

Voilà!

Never underestimate the power of the nose.

You're good.

Good? I'm fantastic!

A dog's sense of smell is 40 times more acute than a human's.

We are the elephants of the olfactory world.

We never forget a smell.

I don't know where this "old factory" world is,

but being the elephant of anything can't be good.

Oh, my gosh, oh, golly. Look at the time.

Leonard, sweetie, open a can of dog food for Spot.

I don't see any dog food.

It's in the pantry next to the kippers

and behind the jalapeño-stuffed olives.

[grunts]

Aah! Oh!

Ah!

Wh-oh-oh-oa!

Mmm... new flavor!

Is there anything more stomach turning

than watching a dog eat?

Oh, I don't know.

Perhaps watching a bird peck at his wing pits.

Well, excuse me, but I'd rather be a pit-pecker

than a leg-licker.

Well, I'd rather lick my leg clean

than wash it in the same filthy water I'm gonna drink.

Hey, when did this get personal?

I thought we were talking about the mutt.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Dog habits are so vile.

Great horny toads! I'm gonna be late for school.

[door closes]

Revolting!

Positively nauseating.

[Spot] Ah, lunch-- my favorite meal of the day!

[rumbling]

Ew! What is this?

That's uh... It's Thursday surprise.

"Thursday surprise--

government-approved cafeteria food feeds 200.

Warning-- avoid contact with eyes or skin."

[rumbling]

[sniffs]

Hmm... this smells familiar.

Let's see.

Strong, hearty aroma... hint of sage, touch of barley.

Yes! Got it!

Hey, Leonard, you want to hear something funny?

This is the exact same thing you fed me this morning.

-You don't mean... -I do mean.

Thursday surprise is dog food!

What? Dog food?

Thursday surprise is dog food?

Ew! Dog food? That's gross!

They're feeding us dog food!

[all] Heck, no! Dog food's gotta go!

Heck, no! Dog food's gotta go!

Wow! Look what you've started.

[laughs] How about tha--

what did you say about my Thursday cuisine?

Please, sir, I want some more?

Did you say it tasted like dog food?!

-No, ma'am. -Good.

I said it is dog food.

[gasps]

Well, then, you just earned yourself a trip

to the principal's office!

I-I didn't say it was bad dog food!

Since the dawn of man, Mr. Leadready,

children have complained about cafeteria food.

[Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" plays]

Ew!

But never in the history of East Westland Elementary School

has anyone ever had the audacity to say

that our federally approved,

nutritionally balanced comestibles are... dog food!

We would never, ever do such a thing.

But, Principal Strickler-- sir, your honor, it's true.

It is dog food.

How do you know it's dog food, Mr. Leadready?

Have you ever tasted dog food?

I refuse to answer on the grounds

that you might kick me out of school,

and I'll miss this afternoon's spelling test,

for which I've already memorized the bonus words.

Then I order you to appear before the special school board

and community assembly I am assembling as we speak.

Me? Assemble? In front of an assembly?

Yes, either prove our school cafeteria served dog food,

or there will be no spelling bee for you ever!

[whimpers, gulps]

[dogs barking]

What to do... what to do!

The special assembly's going to start in half an hour.

There's got to be a way to prove I'm right

without exposing my secret identity.

Think, man, think!

Wait! I got it!

Cover for me at the assembly. I'll be back as fast as I can.

Cover for him at the assembly?

Great Caesar's ghost!

It's empty. Where's the trash?

The trash? Don't look at me.

I haven't touched trash in years,

though it does bring back fond memories.

Ahh... good times.

It's Thursday, dummy.

I know it's Thursday

because they serve dog food in the cafeteria,

but where's the trash?!

Sweet mother of recyclables! There goes my evidence.

I think the strain of living a double life

is finally getting to him.

Oh, why couldn't I have been born a greyhound?

[tires screech]

[sniffs]

Thank you!

And then the rope says, "I'm a frayed knot."

[laughs nervously]

Get it? "A frayed knot"?

Is this thing on?

That's enough, Mr. Helperman.

You wasted enough of our time.

It's obvious that Scott Leadready II

has no proof that our cafeteria serves dog food,

and he has obviously skipped town.

So as punishment for aiding and abetting his vicious lies,

you will suffer the same punishment

I've prepared for him.

-[all gasp] -My poor baby!

Stop this inquisition!

I've got my proof!

This can was used to feed Leonard's dog this morning.

Its contents are identical to what is in this can

of Thursday surprise.

[all shouting]

Silence!

You forget that I worked as a supermarket stock boy

during the last teachers' strike.

I can read bar codes.

Aha! This isn't dog food!

It's corned-beef hash, also known as Thursday surprise.

All this proves is that Leonard Helperman

feeds his dog corned-beef hash.

Huh?

Oopsy.

Leonard Amadeus Helperman,

you fed Spot our good corned-beef hash?

I did?

-You did? -How? Unless...

Wh-oh-oh-oh-oa!

I guess I grabbed the wrong can by mistake.

[laughs nervously] My bad.

No, Scott's bad.

And now he must pay the price

for slandering our Thursday surprise.

Wait! Don't punish Scott

for standing up for what he thought was right.

He was brave. He was courageous.

Okay, he was wrong

about Thursday surprise being dog food,

but he was right

about it being the same thing I fed my dog Spot this morning.

And, if I might interrupt,

a handsomer, smarter pooch you've never seen.

I'll take it from here.

Nay, good people, mine was a sin of arrogance,

of jumping to a conclusion before I had conclusive proof.

I guess all I'm trying to say is

I'm sorry for besmirching Clancy's cuisine

and for any undue grief I have caused the faculty

of Fala D. Roosevelt Elementary School.

Very impressive, Mr. Leadready,

but you're still gonna have to pay

for your irresponsible actions.

I understand, sir,

and I'm ready to accept my punishment like a man.

I mean... dog. I mean, boy!

Very well, then. Clancy?

[gulps]

And so, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

in order to prove to you that our fine, upstanding,

federally funded and parent-donation assisted

school cafeteria does not serve dog food on Thursdays,

Scott Leadready II will now eat a giant bowl

full of Thursday surprise.

And you'd better make it look like you enjoy it.

Yes, sir!

Heh-heh! All this, and I still get to go to school.

[belches]

["Alouette" plays]

[boy laughs] Oui, oui!

[man] A symbiotic relationship

is one where two organisms benefit or enrich

each other's existence, like bees and flowers.

The opposite of a symbiotic relationship

is a parasitic relationship, where one organism survives

by feeding off the body of another, like fleas and dogs.

How can they show this stuff to kids?

At least fleas stay with you all the time.

Since my invisible friend Notar left, I've got nobody.

Notar, why did you have to leave?!

So do you think you and me have a symbiotic relationship?

It's "you and I," and yes, I do.

You feed me, clothe me, and provide me with shelter.

And I guard your house, shower you with affection,

and correct your grammar.

A mutually beneficial relationship

between two disparate organisms if ever there was one.

I guess we're a pretty good match.

Yes, we are.

Now, do you want to stand here yakking all day,

or shall we partake in the much-loved and time-honored

symbiotic boy-dog tradition of fetch?

Right. Fetch the ball, Spot!

[snoring]

Hey, Leonard... are you itchy?

No, I'm sleeping.

Well, wake up.

All of a sudden, I'm itching like crazy.

Is Mrs. H. Buying those cheap, synthetic-blend sheets again?

Nope. It says "100% Egyptian cotton."

Oh, great. You know what this means?

You're gonna keep us up all night whining?

Maybe you have fleas.

[gasps]

Bite your tongue, sir!

Good dogs don't get fleas, and I'm as good as they come.

Besides, if I had fleas, I'd be able to brush back my fur

and see them crawling around like... Aah!

Fleas!

You probably picked them up in the park.

You see, this is why I avoid public facilities.

[shrieking]

Ha! I've got ya!

Lunchtime is over, and now it's time to pay the bill.

[French accent] Please, monsieur doggy,

allow me to introduce myself.

I am Larue, and this is my brother Etienne.

And all we ask for is an occasional meal

and a place to call home.

Talk to the paw.

You're nothing but lowly parasites

that just want to suck my blood and give nothing back in return.

Oh, no, no, monsieur.

If you let us stay, we can give you something in return.

Oui!

We will be your servants and do anything your heart desires.

Like a symbiotic relationship.

That's crazy talk.

Yes... so crazy it just might work.

Imagine dog and flea, living in peaceful coexistence--

a shining example for the whole world to follow.

And so I say, "Yes. Yes, my tiny, bloodsucking friends.

Let the symbiosis begin!"

-Oh-oh! Oui, monsieur! -Oh-oh! Oui, monsieur!

Who wants action on how long this lasts?

-I'm in. -Me too.

Oh, boys, my pulp is settling.

["La marseillaise" plays]

Whu-uh-uh!

Flea overboard!

Hurry, change the channel.

I'm missing "Genius Dogs Of The 19Th Century."

Can we pick up the pace a little?

This plaque isn't going to clean itself!

Excuse us, master.

We'd like to bring this to you.

We tried our hardest-- honest, we did.

But it is too big.

We are, after all, fleas, not ants.

Oh, what's the use?

This symbiotic thing just isn't working out like I imagined.

Please, monsieur, give us another chance.

Maybe there is something we are better at, n'est-ce pas?

Like what?

Well, we can... bite.

Oh, yes, we're very good at biting.

Watch.

Ow! Yow!!

And how, pray tell,

in keeping with the definition of a symbiotic relationship,

does that benefit me?

Well, doesn't knowing that your generosity gives us life

make you feel all warm and tingly inside?

And isn't that a benefit?

Mostly it just makes me feel all itchy and crawly outside.

I'm sorry, boys.

I-I just can't fight nature any longer.

Run for your lives!

Save yourself!

What's wrong, fella?

You got a little itch?

Aagghhh! Fleas!

What's going on?

Leonard, Spot is positively infested.

Come on, boy, I'm putting you out on the back porch

till I can get you to the groomer for a flea bath.

3 hours and 17 minutes. Pay up, boys.

Sorry, Spot, but you'll have to stay out here

till after your flea bath.

So, what happened to dog and flea living in harmony,

blah, blah, blah?

I'm sorry, fellas. I can't help it.

You're fleas. I'm a dog. It's nature.

I don't hate you, but I can't have you living on me.

Ah, it's okay, mon ami. Don't feel bad.

You were right. We are parasites.

We can't help it. It's just how we are made, huh?

But at least we don't kill what we eat,

like lions and tigers and bears.

Oh, my! I never thought of it that way.

We only ask for a nibble here, a bite there.

Is that so wrong?

No, no, it isn't.

After all, you're only doing what every other species

on the planet is trying to do-- survive.

Unfortunately, Leonard's mother has a plan of her own,

and it doesn't include you.

Sometimes, Etienne, life is cruel, no?

Oui!

♪ Beneath the ocean, in the sky ♪

♪ Upon the fruited plain ♪

♪ All earth's creatures, big and small ♪

♪ Join in this refrain ♪

♪ A simple question that we ask ♪

♪ We pose it in a song ♪

♪ To stay alive and even thrive ♪

♪ Oh, can't we all just get along? ♪

♪ Can't we get along? ♪

♪ Get along, gotta, gotta get along ♪

♪ Work together ♪

♪ To find a place where we belong ♪

Oh-oh! Oui, oui!

♪ A bird and cat can coexist, As happy as you please ♪

♪ So why can't I, a noble hound, Live with a pair of fleas? ♪

♪ Can't we get along? ♪

♪ Get along, gotta, gotta get along ♪

♪ Work together ♪

♪ To find a place where we belong ♪

[CRYING] Where do we belong?

♪ Here's a thought, a small idea ♪

♪ To help the fleas' well-being ♪

♪ Let's take them Where they'll have a home ♪

Of course! They'll live with Ian!

♪ Come, my friends, let's don't delay ♪

♪ There is no time to lose-ki ♪

♪ I hope, I swear, You'll like it there ♪

♪ With Ian Waszelewski ♪

♪ Oh, yes, we swear ♪

♪ Yes, we swear ♪

-♪ You'll like it there ♪ -♪ We'll love it there ♪

♪ With Ian Waszelewski ♪

[laughing]

Oh, hello, Leonard.

Did you come over

to play with my collection of molds and fungi?

Uh, not exactly.

See, I got to thinking about how lonely you said you were.

And then I remembered

that during the movie about parasites and stuff,

you kind of perked up when they talked about fleas.

Well, duh! Fleas are only, like, the perfect pet!

I mean, come on, they go everywhere with you.

You never have to buy them food.

And they're cute as bugs,

although technically, they fall under the order

of siphonaptera.

Then I don't suppose you'd want some of Spot's fleas.

Would I?!

Well, hot-diggety, zooma-zooma, yippee-ai-ki-ay!

Sure, why not?

Well, I guess this is it.

I can't believe I'm saying this to fleas,

but... I'm gonna miss you guys!

And we will miss you, too, monsieur Spot.

We had some good times, though, didn't we?

No, not really.

But still, you tried, and for that, we are eternally grateful.

I did the best I could.

For in the words of the renowned humanitarian

and darn good organ player Albert Schweitzer,

"a man is ethical only when life as such is sacred to him--

that of plants and animals, as well as that of his fellow man."

Hey! Am I gonna get my fleas or what?!

Come on, let's get this over with before I start bawling.

-Oui! -Oui!

Here, little flea-fleas. Come to daddy.

Ahh! Hee-hee-hee-hee!

Ah ha ha!

Oh, this is great!

Now I can finally start the world-famous

Waszelewski Flea Circus!

I get to be the ringmaster,

and the fleas get as much of my blood as they can drink!

It is a symbiotic relationship, you know.

I know. I saw the movie, too.

Oh, my gosh. Look!

What?

[Ian gasps] It's Notar!

He's come home!

Come on, fleas.

I want you to meet Notar,

the greatest invisible guy in the world.

That is one kooky kid.

He sure is.

Hey, do you think the fleas will get along with Notar?