Original subtitles

She's going, "I can't, I can't"

I'm like, "Come on, Patty, why not?"

And then she says, "Because my teeth are jagged"

What a fuckin' freak, can you believe that shit?

What was she doing down there if she wasn't going to put it in?

Hey, Miles

Gentlemen, I have just enjoyed my first threesome

Ooh's and Aaah's

Whoo!

Are these the Quinn twins?

You son of a bitch, you got double teamed by the fabulous Quinn twins

Dude, you been on such a wicked tear lately, man

Weren't you with that blonde fuckin' hottie just last week?

That's right, Tommy Debbie Zimmerman

Wasn't her box completely shaved?

He likes the clean biscuit

You don't mind it either

What about that freaky-ass chick from a couple weeks ago?

- Anita Kahn - Anita Kahn

She had a stellar body

Gave you all three inputs if I recall

Nothin' wrong with a little mud on the old helmet

Miles, Anita Kahn

Is that Kahn as in James Caan,

or Kahn as in wrath of?

Wrath of, why?

Well, Quinn, Zimmerman, Kahn

The "Q","Z", and the "K",

those gotta be the most difficult letters in the whole alphabet Right?

I guess

Look, I gotta get this down on paper, while it's still fresh

I'll see you strugglers later

You still keep a record of every chick he bangs?

Oh yeah, bangs, hummers, hand jobs, ass play,

you name it It's all in the journals

Fuck, dude, how does he do it?

Some guys they're just born with it

And the rest of us well, we have to wait around for the jagged tooth retards

Adios, ladies

Hey, don't lock me out again

Fuck off!

Oh Ben, I'm sorry

Nice! Snappin' one off, are we?

Leave him alone!

Big deal, like he's the only one that's beatin' his eggs in this place?

It is a big deal to him

All right? He's not like you, thank God

He's shy

And is that my fuckin' problem? Come on, Miles

That fuckin' pussy has gotta start acting like one of the guys sooner or later

Yeah, I know, but just don't bust his balls when he comes back

Yes, Mom Can I see the picture again?

Are you going to bust his balls?

No No!

Don't lick it!

CMFU, Campus Radio

In less than a month, you railed a "Q", a "Z" and a "K"

I still can't get over that

Yup

You know with those letters out of the way,

you could probably hoink the entire alphabet before you graduate

I mean, If you haven't already

Who was before the Kahn?

Let's see what the good book has to say

We had Tanya Anderson, Debbie Spinoza;

before that we had Marcia Springer and Sue

Hmm, Sue, uh Sutinsky

I gotta write slower, but it definitely starts with an "S"

Okay, so that's like three "S"s Okay what a waste

Who would have thought the "S"s were such sluts

Hmm

Why don't you do it, man?

Why don't you do the entire alphabet?

Fuck off!

No, no, just listen, listen

Using your books, and some of those pictures that you've taken,

we figure out which letters you've already gotten since, like, first semester

Then we figure out which letters you have to get before you graduate,

I don't know, to make it complete

And what for?

Because we could parlay a poontang quest like this

into some major coin, that's what for

You mean actually take bets on this?

Hell yeah

You know, don't take this the wrong way,

but I don't think I want to get involved in any of your gimmicks

Fuck, Miles!

Is it the battery?

It's the battery

Do you know what you're doing?

I like to think so

Here, hand me that file

Thanks

Here, try that, that should work

Try that, that should work

You should really get the battery replaced

Yeah, I've been told I should get the battery

replaced

Thanks

Now, there are two months left before Miles graduates,

and according to his diaries, these are the letters he's already gotten

And these are the ten letters he has yet to get

Now there will be an overall bet whether he completes the whole alphabet or not

Those are 30 to 1 odds,

as well as side bets for each individual letter

The tougher the letter, the greater the odds

Who decides which are the tough letters?

Common sense does

Okay, names starting with "M"s and "N"s,

they're a lot more common than those starting with "U"s and "V"s,

so "U"s and "V"s would be the tougher letters

And let us not forget the mother of all tough letters,

the dreaded "X"

I think it'd be impossible to meet an "X", let alone fuck one,

so the odds on the "X" are already 10 to 1

Am I going too fast for anyone here?

If you're serious,

I definitely want in on this action

I'm glad to hear that, but, uh

there's just one, teeny, weenie little setback

What's that?

Miles ain't exactly agreed to do this yet

Okay, let me get this straight

You want me to carry a camera with me at all times,

no matter where I go,

find girls whose last names start with specific letters of the alphabet,

have sex with them,

and either talk them into letting me take their picture,

or if they're not into it

wait around till they've fallen asleep,

then very quietly take a picture of them without waking them up,

and then bring the picture back here as proof for you strugglers

Yeah, is that going to be a problem for you?

No, I just wanted to make sure I got it straight

I can't believe I'm actually witnessing this

Hey, even if you ain't bettin', Mr Nice guy,

you gotta keep your mouth shut

Says who?

Says me, bitch

All right, gentlemen,

let the games begin!

♪ When I walked the hot ass fucks

♪ And they go all the way

♪ When I talk the chicks all gawk

♪ 'Cause they just wanna play

♪ As for me

♪ It's all about quality

♪ Easily

♪ I'll do 'em from "A" to "Z"

♪ When skirts drop I open shop

♪ And night turns into day

♪ Four feet under my sheets...

Gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you to someone

The "O"

Any way you look at it, it's still an "O"

Got 'em Got 'em

Need 'em Got 'em

Need 'em Got 'em

Got 'em Got 'em Need 'em

♪ Do them from "A" to "Z"

♪ Line 'em up

♪ I'll shoot them down

♪ One by one

♪ They'll go downtown

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

♪ As for me

♪ It's all about quality

♪ Easily

♪ I'll do 'em from "A" to "Z"

♪ As for me

♪ It's all about quality

♪ Easily

In all the letters,

this is going to be the bitch of the bunch

So, let me see if I got these names right

- You're Tiffany Smith, right? - Yep

And your friend here is Michelle Noonan?

- Noonan, yeah - Michelle Noonan?

Now that's not with a "G" or a "P" or anything, is it?

No! It's "N", for Noonan

"N" for Noonan

Need 'em Got em Got em

Need 'em Got 'em Got 'em

Time

Don't forget, everyone, Friday's tutorial is cancelled

Please read chapters 9 through 11, they will be on the test

Excuse me?

Yes?

Um I was just wondering if, uh

if you knew if we had a tutorial on Friday

No, the prof said it was cancelled

Oh, that's right, he did, didn't he?

Oh, I'm Ben

Gabrielle Nice to meet you, Ben

Oh wait! I think you forgot your book!

It's guaranteed to put the fire back in your firearm!

Sergeant Rock-Dick gives you a major woody in your private parts.

That was a complete waste of sweat

Not one decent piece of tail in the entire gym

Oh, I'm sorry, brother

Guess what? I made new charts

Yeah, you're missing the "P"

What?

The "P" Yeah, I railed her a while back

She was between the "C" and the "I"

What the hell is that?

That is a wicked shit I took while you were in class

I thought you might want to see it

That's disgusting

There she is The "P"

She's been hounding me ever since

Oh, send that nag my way, I'll do her silly

She ain't worth the hassle Pass me a highlighter

- Here you go - Thanks

So, any new prospects?

I'm seeing an "N" tonight

- Nice - Yeah

"N" being for Whoa!

Chewbacca, what's with all the fur?

What are you talking about?

Uh, your pubes man,

Don't you trim 'em up?

No

Well, you should, sasquatch

Why the hell would I do that?

Aside from the obvious, because chicks dig it, that's why

You're nuts

What do you need all that extra padding down there for, anyways?

Oh, I forgot, excessive masturbation

Fuck off, Cleaver!

Fuck off, Cleaver!

Miles, does he always have to be here?

Miles, does he always have to be here?

Look if you're so in fuckin' love with him why don't you move in?

Hey!

Fuck, I'm just trying to help the guy out, okay?

Fine, you tell him, because Chia-dick here thinks it's still 1979

In his disturbed way, Cleaver does have a point, Benny

I mean, all the guys are trimming it up

Girls have been doing it forever and now they expect the favour to be returned

Nah, you guys you guys are just fucking with me,

you want me you want me to shave down there

so that you can tell all the guys and they'll make fun of me

Something's gonna begin...

Loose now, motherfucker!

Jesus!

What?

My pouch, look how smooth it is, It's nice, right?

It looks like raw turkey

Oh, it fuckin' does

You're sick!

Oh, I'm sick

Okay, If a chick's going to lick a ball sack,

do you think she's going to like this

or your fucking bird's nest?

This is by far the gayest fucking day of my life

Okay, it's not gay, Benji, it's physics

Come on, Benny,

a confident hetero shouldn't be afraid to whip out the old yam bag to prove a point

Does part of being a confident hetero

mean you have to sleep with 26 different women for money?

Uh, I'm just trying to help you out Fuck

Oh my God, look at the water spots all over my glass

You know, Michelle, if you want to go somewhere else we can just

No, it's okay I'm sure it's clean

It's spotty, but clean

Is this a better table?

Mmm

May I take your drink order?

Michelle?

I'll have a white wine spritzer

Oh, with Sprite, not soda Sprite

A glass of your house red, please

Red wine?

That's so gross, it totally stains your teeth

Can we order dinner now?

Of course

Miles, you go first, I'm still looking at the menu

Ah, okay Um

Yeah, I'll have the Porterhouse, medium,

with a loaded baked potato

Great

You eat meat?

How can you do that to those poor, furry little animals?

I ordered a steak, it's cows aren't furry or little

You better watch yourself

What goes around comes around

You may be reincarnated as a cow

With some big oaf sticking a fork into you

And for the lady?

Oh, I'll have the tuna fillet and your house salad

Oh, with the dressing on the side

Back with your drinks

Uh, I don't get it

You don't eat meat but you ordered a tuna steak

I didn't order a tuna steak, I ordered a tuna fillet

Okay, but, my point

And tuna's not meat

I have a very clear rule

I never eat anything with faces

And fish don't have faces Only profiles

Thank you

Ugh

So, what's the story with that car of yours?

What's wrong with my car?

It's a relic!

It's a classic

A Porsche is a classic Yours is a fossil

When we were driving here I felt like I was driving to church with my grandpa

Okay, that's enough All right?

I can't take any more of your constant complaining

I don't have to take this from an "N"

I could throw a bun and hit another "N"

Maybe if you were an "X" or a "U"

But an "N"? You've got to be kidding me

Take a cab home, if you can find one you like

And I'm taking this

Wendy, hey! What a surprise

What are you doing here?

Well, um

I just haven't heard from you in a while

I called a couple times but I guess you've been pretty busy

Yeah, I've, uh I've been a little preoccupied, you could say

I guess

Well here, I, uh I baked you a pie

- A pie? - Yeah

Wow, wow, that's swell

It's a peach pie, so "P" could be for peach, or for Peterson, right?

"P" for Peterson Yes, sir

Uh, you shouldn't have

I wanted to

Hey, you want to go maybe grab a coffee or something?

Well, you know, I'm, uh I'm pretty bagged,

and, uh, I've already had a pretty rough night, so

Well, if it's something you want to talk about

Not really No, thanks though

Okay, um

Well good night?

Yeah, yeah, good night

I mean, pie Wow Peach pie

I'll give you call later, see how you liked the

Pie

Did you know you have no face?

That's right, you only have profiles

Not only that, I got a psycho Betty Crocker hanging outside my room

Well I'm telling you buddy, for a lunatic, she makes a kick-ass pie

I just hope she didn't poison it

Where's Benny?

Oh, I think he's at the pub with the guys

Fuck it, it's early, I still may be able to grab a stat

You coming?

Yeah, I don't mind getting my horn scraped tonight

Roadie?

Don't mind if I do

Your camera

Oh, thanks

Oh shit, the "P's" back!

Fuck! No

You should've seen the look on your face

This is my shit

I am so getting some pussy!

All I ask is that you don't get anything on that shirt

I'm not going to get anything on your shirt

Where's the crew?

Lot of nice talent here tonight, ah?

Not too shabby

Next pitcher's on me

How you doin' Ben Chia-dick

Hi, I'm Miles

Hi, Rebecca

Nice to meet you, Rebecca

Nice to meet you

You got a last name, Rebecca?

Stenson

Sorry?

- Stenson $1250

That's a shame

Oh Hey, Miles, how about that girl over there with the big breasts?

Whoa, check out the crazy funbags on that chick!

That's nice

Those are so mine

Those are so fuckin' yours

No, I was pointing her out for Miles!

No, I was pointing her out for Miles Grow up, fuck

Dude, dude, dude, check it out

That's the girl that fixed my car

No, you don't want her, Miles,

"Good from far is far from good", right?

I've seen her up close, Benny

She's good She's real good

So, what you doin' here, hero?

You finished three pumpin' the "N" yet?

You guys done strugglin' on the dance floor yet?

It's the fuckin' "P"

Great

So what are you going to do?

It's the "P", man, I can't get rid of the fuckin' "P"

Probably should get your prostate checked

Thanks, I'll look into that, Doogie Jackass

God, I mean, first the "N's" a bust,

then I've got this psycho baking me a pie?

And those strugglers are bustin' my balls

Busting my balls

Take a pill man, relax, all right?

Whatever, but I can't face that P-sycho twice in one night

Okay, well, you're going to have to go solo,

because I'm staying right here and hitting on that girl with the great big boobs

All right Well, come by the bomb shelter after you strike out

That's not funny!

Jerk

How you doin'?

Huh? Huh?

Hey, Ben!

Ben!

Ben!

Why don't you take your fucking balls out of your purse and go talk to her?

So what do you call the other one?

Huh?

This doesn't have your phone number on it

Hi, remember me?

It's Ben, right? From Ethics?

Yeah!

Do you want to sit down?

Sure, if you don't mind

I'm going to walk around for a bit

Bye

It was nice meeting you

So, how about that test we got on Friday?

I know, I'm going to be at the library for a week for that one

Hey, Cleaver

Hey, Benji

Why are you looking like the cat that just got his dick sucked?

Did you fucking talk to that girl?

Yeah, I talked to her

- Fuck outta here Really? - Seriously

Fuck Nice!

You talk, uh, to big guns yet?

Uhh Check it out

I take it you're in

I'm so fuckin' in

Sergeant Rock-Dick?

Cleaver, what's this?

Oh, that is thunder in a pill, my flaccid friend

You see, Benji, you only get one chance to make a first impression,

and I am going to make mine a lasting one

Shit, Cleaver, is that safe?

Not for her

So you live here alone, or?

No

So you got a roommate?

Yeah, I got a roommate

Guy or girl?

- It's a girl - Yeah?

You know, you really didn't have to walk me back

Hey, no, no that's okay,

'cause, you know, there's a lot of dicks around here So

Yeah, there is a lot of dicks around here

- Yeah - Well anyway, this is it, so

- This is it, huh? - Yeah, I'll see you around, okay?

Vikki, um

Can I can I come in for a drink or something?

It's really late I have to get up early tomorrow Yeah

Oh, uh, okay

No, I really don't want to be so blunt

- But uh - Hmm?

You're about to waste a perfectly good diamond cutter here, babe

That is disgusting

It's not disgusting, It's physics

Fuck! Fuck!

Can I call you tomorrow?

Vik?

Hey!

- Hey! - Having a good time tonight?

Things are looking up

I like your shirt

Well, it likes you

Really?

Really

Looks like somebody's had enough to drink, huh?

Never enough

I've got lots to drink at my place

Really?

You coming?

Oh, fuck yeah, I'm coming

Those are interesting pants

Can you show me how they come off?

You know, I gotta say, I love what you did with the place

Oh yeah? Oh!

- Oh shit - Oh!

I spilled on you know what? I think we're going to have to get this shirt off

Yeah? Oh!

Ohh, I spilled on you

I think that's going to have to come off

- Really? - Yeah

Yes!

Oh my God, Miles

Stacy Usher

Oh, Miles

Oh, "U"

Oh yes Oh!

Stacy Usher

Who's Stacy Swanson?

I am Oh!

I thought you said your name was Usher

It is

Okay, hang on, you're confusing me

I'm kind of drunk, I don't have a whole lot of blood going to my brain right now

My mom got re-married so I go by both

What's the name on your birth certificate?

Don't stop

Stacy, what does the name on your birth certificate say?

Swanson, why?

What's wrong?

Nothing Another "S"

Oh yeah, who's your Daddy, oh, oh, oh!

That's right That's right! Who's your Daddy?

Oh, oh! Git along, little doggie, whoo!

What's the matter, what's the matter?

You okay?

What's wrong?

You don't look so good What's wrong?

Fuck! Oh!

Oh fuck!

All right, all right uh

Let's just finish this up doggie-style

No babe

Wait, I gotta get behind you

Ben Benji

I had sex with a girl last night

And she puked, all over me

Good morning, sunshine

What the fuck Cleaver?

And it went a little something like this

Fuck off!

Asshole

How about you, stallion? Any letters last night?

I was railin' a "U"

Nice!

She turned into an "S"

Damn those "S"s

I know

Fuck!

Hey, man, what the fuck?

Dude, these are sacred documents, all right?

Not to be desecrated by the likes of you

Okay, relax

Don't be worrying about your precious little diaries here

What you should be worrying about are these last three letters

Okay, tell me Miles, where are you going to find an "X", huh?

You know, my entire life, I haven't even met an "X"

How about you, afro-sac? You know any "X"s?

Uh, no No, I don't know any "X"s

Then go back to sleep

You know, this whole buckshot approach has gotten us pretty far

But we don't have a snowball's chance of finding an "X" and a "U" this way

What do you suggest?

Leave the "X" and the "U" to me

All right, well you set up the pins, and I'll knock 'em down

Another puker, huh?

Yeah

You weren't wearing my

Your shirt? Yeah You don't want that back

No

Dr Henson never takes his questions from that book

- Hey, Ben - Hey

- How are you? - Good

- I thought you might be here - Oh yeah?

Yeah This test Friday, it's going to be a bugger, isn't it?

- I know - Yeah

I like to come to this part of the library for absolute quiet

Me too

Oh, I meant what I said, though

Henson never takes his questions from that book

- Really? - Yeah

Thanks, Ben

Will you share your notes with me?

I'd love you, I'd love to

Ah! The bible

You five-fingered bastard That's the directory

I know, but when there's $10,000 on the line, I can get pretty crafty

Gentlemen

Hey, Benny

Anyways, I already looked through it, okay,

and there's only three "X"s on the entire campus

Ouch

I know, there's two Xu's, and one Xeropopple, whatever,

it's a Greek name, I think

Are you guys still doing that stupid alphabet game?

No, Benny, this is another one

How would you feel if someone did this to one of your mothers?

I'd like to do it to his mother

Fucker!

Anyways, those Xu's they have like, fucked up first names,

so I'm not even sure if either of them is female

Actually, their names kind of sound similar to those Chinese pandas

But I'm guessing they're not related

Probably not

Anyways the Greek, I'm pretty sure that she's female

I mean, Gabrielle, that's a chick's name, right?

What faculty is the Greek in?

Uh, she's in vets

Okay, I looked into her Okay?

Her class isn't till Monday, she lives off Campus,

so I'm thinking in the meantime, we look for the "U"s

and the "N"s on campus

Why don't we just focus on the "U"s, man, we can find "N" anywhere

What?

Hello, how are you doing today?

I'm fine

Is your name, Miss Unger?

I'm so busy right now, I mean

It'll just take a second, I just have a couple questions to ask you

I'm so sorry, I'm studying and I'm really in a focus mode

Are you single?

Yes?

Is focus mode like, code for bitch?

Are you single?

- No - No, you're not, okay

No, you're not But do you believe in premarital s

Robin is that with a "Y" or with an "I", Miss Upshaw?

Oh no, I'm not Robin Upshaw, that's my roommate

That's great Thank you for your time

Can I help you with something else?

Uh, what's your name?

Stephanie

- Stephanie - Newman

Stephanie Newman with an "N"

Yeah

Hi

Hi, are you Angela Uverik?

Yeah that's correct

- Um - What's that?

Actually, I'm just doing a survey

Guys, I'm not really dressed for it,

why don't you come in?

I got I got this one You're looking kind of tired

- Hi - Hi

I'm Miles

Hi Nice to meet you Angela

The "U"

Bring on the "X"

Giddy up

Nice

Now how do we find her?

Hey, buddy, do you know a Gabrielle Xeropoppa-

Xeropopolous - Yeah

Sure, she's still in the lecture hall Can't miss her

Thanks Top gun

Oh dude, I'm not liking my odds at all

Oh, there's only one way to find out

Gabrielle!

Holy crap

What?

Dude, that's her

That's the girl that fixed my car, the one from the pub

- Oh, the one that Ben's sweet on - What?

You really dodged the bullet there, I mean, she's nice

She's a damn sight better than nice

Shit, I'd do her if she was another "S" Okay, here she comes

Did you just call me?

No

Yes You don't remember me You fixed my car

Uh, the red T-bird

Oh, right, did you replace the battery yet?

Not yet, but she's running great,

and I wanted to track you down and thank you and take you out to dinner

You don't have to do that, it was no big deal

I'm Miles, by the way

Gabrielle

And I'm Cleaver, just in case you were wondering

- Hi - Gabrielle, that's nice

Thanks, my friends call me Gabby

All right, Gabby

I said, my friends call me Gabby

Burn

- Hey - Hey This is Fran

- Fran this is - Cleaver, at your service

Right

This is my roommate, this is Miles and Cleaver

- Hi - Hi

So what do you say?

You don't have to take me to dinner, it was no big deal

Are you are you kidding me? I mean

You're turning down a free dinner?

Nothing's free

We could make it a foursome Huh?

I have to study for a test I have tomorrow, and then I have to go to work

Great, I'll come by your work

I work at Taylor's Automotive, it's not exactly conducive to visitors

Okay, tomorrow night

Someone's a tad eager

Actually, Fran and I planned a movie night with the girls,

so maybe we'll just play it by ear Okay?

Okay

- See ya - Okay

See ya

I think she's gay

Yep, I mean what else could it be?

Do you think she's doing her roommate?

I would pay cash money to see some of that live lesbo action

See, now, that'd make sense

I mean, movie night with the girls? Pfft!

Tell me that's not code for wild lesbian pillow fight night with the girls

And how about the clincher, she's a mechanic, for Chrissake? God

Well this is ass!

And here I thought this girl was going to give you all three inputs,

I mean, she's Greek They're into that, you know?

This is ass I mean she's beautiful,

she's playing hard to get, and she's an "X"?

It's dripping with irony when you think of it

Yeah Well, if anybody can get her, it's you, Kemo Sabe

Yeah you're right No more Mr fucking Nice guy

It's time to bring out the big guns

- Big guns - Big guns!

- Big guns! - Big guns!

Big guns!

You guys are so fuckin' pathetic

How long's he been here?

I don't know

- Big guns - Oh yeah

Oh!

Gabrielle, hey! How's it going?

- Hi, Miles - Hi

So uh, you still doing that uh, girl that girl night, thing, tonight?

Yeah, that's still the plan

I think we should go out tomorrow night

I'm working tomorrow

At the mechanic shop?

- Yeah - Right

You should really have some sunscreen on

You don't want to get skin cancer See ya!

See ya

Yup She's definitely a rug muncher

All right, Ben, what we're going to do over here

is try to get you on a muscle building program

You know, get your body used to the idea of

coming to a gym, working out, lifting weights

Actually, have you ever been to the gym before?

Oh yeah, I just took a couple months off

All right, well, this shouldn't be any problem for you then, tough guy

Miles, what are you doing here?

Are you trying to get me fired?

Well, Gabby, If you're not going to let me take you to dinner,

I'm taking dinner to you

I can't believe this is happening

I'm sorry, am I embarrassing you?

Miles, my boss is going to be back any second

Then let me take you to dinner

Okay, pack this up and I'll let you take me for dinner

When?

- I don't know - Oh! I hope you like cheese!

Okay, how about Saturday?

- Saturday's good - Okay

Here, let me write down my number

I finish work at 6:00 on Saturday and you can pick me up at 8:00

There

8:00 it is

- I'm in with the "X" - Fuck off!

I'm In with the "X" I'm in with the "X"

Oh, I'm in with the "X"

What the fuck does that mean?

Well, Benny it means I'm in with the "X"

Let me see

So she doesn't eat from the bushy plate after all?

Hey, apparently not, we're hooking up Saturday

Nice How could she resist your charms?

Yeah, there but for the grace of Miles goes God

Hey, I like that I'm going to use that, Ben

What's up?

No Just

Just when you nab the "X", I mean, it's over

Oh, come on, there will be other contests

Sweet victory

I can't wait to see Sylvie and Big Eddie's faces right after I rail the "X"

Aren't you ever worried about catching a fucking disease or something?

No, Benny Never shower without a raincoat

Oh, you know what? I'm just about out

I got some domer-domers you can use

Thanks, but I'd rather use ones that weren't bought in grade nine

Uh, they're new, jackass

I wear a minimum of three

I mean, it cuts off the sensation and makes my dick look bigger

Uggh!

Hello

Uh, sorry, Miles isn't here right now

Oh, this is his roommate, Benji He's so busy

- Wendy? I'll tell him you called - Fuck off, Cleaver

- Okay, bye-bye, Hey, Ben, come back to bed!

Fuck off!

The friggin' "P" She's like a curse!

Okay, brother, brother, okay

Let's not worry about her, okay?

We gotta keep the positive energy flowing

Soon, my pretty

Ohh, yes

- Miles? - Yeah?

There's a lot of money at stake here

I know

Okay, what I mean is that, okay, if we don't win this contest,

and by we, I mean, you, I can't cover the bets alone

How much money are we talking about?

Oh, I don't, I don't know, um

something in the neighborhood of $30,000

What? $30,000 as in, three, and four zeros? That $30,000?

That's it

How?

Well, the odds on the "X" are through the fuckin' roof,

I mean every guy in rez has taken action on it

I mean, when she rejected you the first time, I mean, they more than doubled

And the fact that she's so stinkin' hot made them double again and again

Then fuck 'em, fuck 'em all

It'll make my victory that much sweeter

I love you

Yeah, I love me, too

There by the grace of Miles goes God

Yeah, I like that

Come in!

Hello, it's Miles

You haven't forgotten about me, have ya?

No, I'll just be a second

All right, I'm just going to go through your stuff

Hey!

I'm kiddin' I'll just wait out here

Can I help you?

No, um, hi

I Gabrielle was just talking to me

and I was, um just waiting for our date

Uh-huh

Fran, I swear to God, I didn't I didn't even know she was there

Oh, of course you didn't

- Sorry to keep you waiting - Hey, no biggie!

- All right! - You guys have met, right?

Yeah, and I'm learning so much more by the second

- Okay! We better go - Okay, good night, hon

Good night Don't be late, I'll wait up

Okay

Hey it's Saturday night, and if you're like me

and have nothin' better to do than listen to me,

I can help you feel cool on CMFU, campus radio

♪ Becoming what I hate

♪ To have sex on the first date, yeah!

♪ The party's on tonight

♪ I'm heterosexually just right

♪ If you're looking gay you don't have to try

♪ you don't gotta try

♪ Tonight is my night

♪ For muscle for shine

♪ The sluts will be mine

♪ So bring on the shit

♪ So bring on the shit

♪ The party's on tonight

♪ you dirty motherfuckers!

♪ The party's on tonight

♪ I'm heterosexually just right

May I start you off with drinks?

Uh, yeah, do you like red wine?

I love it

Great A bottle of your house red, please

- Thank you - Thanks

Am I keeping you up? I'm keeping you up, aren't I?

Excuse me, no, sorry It's work Honest

That must be tough, you know, going to school and working at the same time

It is, but I don't have much of a choice

How about you?

Work? Not really

I mean, I lifeguard in the summer

But I don't work during the school year

And saving lives at the beach pays all your bills?

No, it doesn't, I'm on a scholarship

Really What kind?

Academic

Wow Didn't realize I was on a date with a brainiac

Yeah I'm full of surprises

Yeah? I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing

You can decide later

Ready to order?

I'll have a nine ounce steak with a loaded baked potato,

and can you cook it medium?

- That's great - Yeah

I mean, make it two

Thanks

- Cheers - Cheers

Hey, baby, why don't come back here and tryout my jackhammer?

Yeah where you goin',

don't you know mustache rides are free?

Eat this, assholes

Yeah, keep walkin' ya stupid whore

Sounds like you boys need a lesson in manners from

The Menstrual Avenger!

Manners? I'll eat you and your manners for breakfast!

What's up?

Ah!

We'll see, we'll see

I guess it does look a little bigger

Benny

So, how'd it go?

First base, second base, third?

Oh come on, Miles, on a scale of one to ten, how'd it go?

It was the best ever

What? You fucked her? Nice!

So you were just bullshitting with the guys out there?

That was a nice touch Okay, uh, you got the picture?

I didn't even touch her I didn't even kiss her

She gave me a peck on the cheek, though

What? Oh, that's fuckin' gay

Did you at least remember to tip her chaperone?

I can't remember having a more fantastic time

Well gee son, I'm so glad you and your little lady friend had such a peachy time

Oh, we're going out again

Yeah? So you'll fuck her next time

You can't hoink every broad on the first night, that's what I always say, huh?

Sure, whatever, I don't feel like talking about this

Sure, whatever Why not?

No, I don't think she's the right girl for the contest

You don't think she's the right girl for the contest?

Fine You know Don't fuck her then

Go fuck one of those Chinese pandas

Frankly I don't give a rat's ass who you fuck anymore

as long as their last name starts with an "X"

Miles, fuck we need it soon, I can't take the stress no more,

I'm up to two packs of Rolaids a day, I think I'm getting an ulcer

- Cleaver - What?

I'll get an "X"

Which "X"?

I don't know, but I'll find an "X"

Okay

- Okay? - Okay

All right? But it's late

- Okay - And I'm tired

- Okay - Okay?

- Okay - Okay

Okay, I'll see you at breakfast

Okay

So you didn't even feel her up

- Okay - Okay

Hey, Ben

Hi, you

You smell good

Really? I showered after my workout

You look totally different

Did you get all new clothes over the weekend?

What, these old rags?

Nah, I've had this 'drobe forever

Ben? Sorry Here

Miles

Hello, Fran

She's not ready yet

Okay, I'll, uh just wait out here

Come on in

Maybe if you time it right you can walk in on her when she's about to pee

You're never going to let me live that down, are you?

You're lucky she likes you

These are my friends, Abby and Stacy

Hi - Hi

Hi!

Hey

Hello

- Are you okay, Miles? - Yeah!

Fine, it's a nice day

You look pale

No Pale? No I'm good

I'm good

Sorry I'm late

Hey, no biggie Don't worry about it

- We should go, though We should - Okay

- Yeah - Did you

- Yeah Hi, yeah - Oh! Okay

See you guys later

♪ Love came from behind

♪ And opened up my eyes

♪ To a world of rainbow skies

♪ Oh, I thought I'd never find

♪ I'm not the nicest guy

♪ But this chick blows my mind

♪ And her smile makes me high

♪ She makes my heart cry

♪ Love bent me over

♪ Tore out my insides

♪ Filled me up with her goodness

♪ Now I'm a one-chick guy

♪ I'm a one-chick guy

♪ Oh, I'm a one-chick guy

♪ Oh, I'm a one-chick guy...

No

- No, Gabrielle, that's amazing - Thanks

You can call me Gabby now

Hey, Benny I might be bringing Gabby back here tonight,

her roommate's a bit of a ball buster,

so perhaps you could make yourself scarce and not be here?

That would be nice

And where the hell am I supposed to go?

Did you ever think that for just one second

I might be bringing a girl back here?

No Okay, listen

Here, there's $10, $20

Go see a movie

Go see a couple of movies

Huh? A couple of movies I gotta run

Hello No, Wendy, he isn't here

I don't know, he's, uh

He's gone right now but he'll be back later

And uh, I won't be here, I'm going to be gone all night

Yeah, okay Bye

Picnic basket right

Holy crap

I should go

Please don't leave I have no idea what's going on here

No You need to sort this out And I gotta go

Wendy, what are you doing here?

Are you here for Ben?

Do you know that I was actually stupid enough

to think that you might have liked me?

Yeah, listen, Wendy

Don't "Listen, Wendy" me

You're happy you got your fuck, right?

Wendy, it's not like that

It's exactly like that, asshole

You had your fun and you don't care who gets hurt

God, I can't believe I was so stupid

I can't believe I liked you I can't believe I baked you a pie

You're going the wrong way, honey!

What just happened?

Some of your stats coming back to haunt you there, Miles?

Not now, Ben

Yep, you love women, don't you?

You love the way they look You love the way they fuck

But as soon as you blow your load, that's it The love affair's over, isn't it?

Okay, who blew their load?

Miles You got the "X"

Miles and Xeropopolous sittin' in a tree

F- U-C-K-I-N "X"!

"X"!

Don't leave me hangin' brother, give me the picture!

Okay, uh, well I looked into those Chinese pandas

and I got some bad news

One of them turns out to be a fuckin' guy,

and the other one's been, like, deported or something

'cause no one can seem to find her

- Cleaver Okay, Miles

We're "T" minus two weeks but we're still in pretty good shape

But, brother, honestly I think you should have railed the "X" by now

Gabrielle?

Yeah she has name, it's Gabrielle It's not "X"

Okay Gabrielle

So when are we fucking Gabrielle?

Aw, Jesus Christ, don't, Cleaver Listen

It's over, it's over Take your contest and get out, would you?

What are you talking about, It's not over

No! Take it and get out

What the Oh, this fuckin' sucks

You want you want to piss away a legendary stat quest

and all that fuckin' money for some tighty

that's your call

Man, what happened to you? You used to be cool

Fuck! And take that fuckin' smirk off your face, man

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I'm going to assume this sabotage is all you're doing?

She's going to find out about you sooner or later

I love her, Ben

Please

I love her

You don't even know what that is

Oh, and you do Huh?

Cleaver told me about the crush you have on her, man

It's obvious But here's a shocker, she's not interested in you

And no matter how much of my cologne you steal,

or how much you swifty up your look, you'll always be you

And you know what? I'll always be me

You're so fucking conceited

Ben, she's out of your league

And you know what, the sooner you realize that, the happier you'll be

- Hey, listen, Gabby, about last night - Don't bother, Miles

No, listen, I have this whole speech planned, just let me get through it Okay?

Oh, and did that girl help you write it?

Look she was just someone that I dated once,

but there was no chemistry so we didn't date again

But she just sleeps in your bed when you're not there

You don't believe me, do you?

I don't know

Listen, I'm not seeing anyone else

I don't want to see anyone else

I don't want you seeing anyone else

Miles, my ex-boyfriend was a player

He was cheating on me the whole time we were together and I had no idea

I don't need another guy like that

I'm going to regret this

No you won't

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Who was it?

They hung up

Ben, I think you're a really great guy

And I like you a lot Just not more than a friend

You don't even know Miles

I know enough

What about Wendy?

He explained Wendy

And you're okay with that?

Ben, all I care about is what goes on with Miles and I from this point forward, okay?

We'll still be friends?

Okay

Okay, listen Ben

We've been buds all year, right?

And I hate losing friends over girls,

'cause nine times out of ten it ain't worth it

Generally speaking I think you're a good guy, I do,

and that's why I'm not too proud of the things I said to you the other day

But I think you had it coming for that stunt you pulled

Okay, that's about as mushy as I'm going to get so you can take it or leave it

All right, now don't get all fruity on me

Where you headed?

Dumpster, then laundry You need anything thrown out?

- No - No? Okay I'll see you at dinner

Oh, and Ben?

I really do love her

Miles, you fucking cock Where's my fucking money?

Fuck you

I'm sorry, but, I thought you had to know

It's a game He's trying to fuck the entire alphabet and you're the "X"

I can't believe this

Silvio, I think something died in your room

- Huh? - Yeah It's not right

It's so not natural Your room, my eyes, they're bleeding

Nice underwear, faggot

Hey, Gabby, wh

You little fucker

Don't blame him, you evil prick

- Now listen, Gabby it's not - You want to fuck an "X"?

You go fuck a xylophone!

Wait! Gabby, wait, Gabby

Look, Gabby, I can explain

- It's Gabrielle to you, asshole - Okay, fine, Gabrielle

It's not what you think, Okay? My feelings for you are real

Those other girls, they didn't mean a thing to me

Oh, that's nice

I'm sorry, but it's true!

Look I threw out all those photos and diaries to get rid of my past, for you

Then why were they in your drawer?

I don't know I mean, Ben must have fished them out of the dumpster

Fuckin' weasel!

No, look, okay before I met you, I didn't know I was such an asshole

Okay? But I've never met a girl like you

You're different than any girl I've ever met

You've made me want to change

Okay, no, Gabby God, Gabby, please

I am begging you, give me another chance

I'm not the same guy that did all that stuff

When I hear you talk like that, it makes me want to puke

You're a pig All men are pigs

So do me a favour and leave me the fuck alone

CMFU campus radio on the all request hour

I'm sending this one out as a special request to our buddy Miles

who's in a real bad place right now

♪ I can't believe that I've found all I wanted

♪ In you...

You can say "I told you so" whenever you want

♪ I haven't done what I have to do

Can I come in?

No

Is she here?

No

Would you tell me if she was?

No

Come on, let me just

Look, you even try getting in here, I'll cut your fucking dick off

Okay, fair enough

♪... to you

♪ How many times

♪ Will I say that I'm sorry

♪ How many times

♪ Will I say that I'm sorry

Hi, uh Gabrielle Xropoleus?

Thanks

What are you doing? The door's open

Yeah, um, Wendy the "P"

she, uh she gave me that to give to Miles,

but since I ain't talking to him, you give it to him

We're not exactly on speaking terms, either

Really, why not?

You know Miles, he's just going through a weird thing right now

Yeah, no fuckin' shit

I mean that guy's been hoinking chicks left and right all year,

and now he's pussying after some chick he hasn't fucked yet?

Come on Doesn't make sense

It's always sad when one of the great ones retire, eh, Ben?

Let's just hug it out It'll be okay

Be strong

Give me my fuckin' money, man!

Fuck off!

"Dear Miles, I want you to know I appreciate the letter you wrote me

Of course I accept your apology"?

- Hey - Hey!

- Fuck face - Big Eddie, how's it going?

What did I tell you about fucking with my money?

What are you talking about?

If my bet's no good because you opened up your pansy trap,

I swear to Christ I will knock the living piss right out of you

- Big Eddie - Don't give me that shit, bitch!

Am I interrupting something special?

Word is, big mouth here fucked up your shit with the "X" 'cause he likes her

Yeah, well, Benny didn't fuck up anything,

it just didn't work out

Well, superhero

Then it looks like your pal Cleaver will be owing me some money

Looks like it

Yeah

You all right?

Yeah Thanks

Listen, Benny

Between pulling your daggers out of my back

and being assaulted by girls, I've had some time to think

I guess I haven't exactly treated women like gold in the past

So I kind of understand why you did what you did Again

But remember what I said and I meant it

I'm trying to get her back

Oh, give me a fucking break

Honestly He's apologized to Wendy

He stopped big Eddie from beating me up

He's not even hanging around Cleaver anymore

It's like he's on some sort of 12-step do-gooder program or something

Hmm

Listen Before any of this stuff happened, he told me he loved you

I didn't believe him then but I do now

He really did throw out all those pictures and diaries

I sort of, fished them out of the dumpster

Oh, Ben

Wendy? Hi

Hi

You don't remember me I'm Ben

Ben

Uh Miles's roommate

Oh

We've talked on the phone a couple of times I

Yeah, yeah, of course

It's nice to finally talk to you face to face

- I'll be right back - Okay

Hey, hey Gabrielle, come on, wait a second

You know if you keep hitting this button people

are going to think you're trying to leave

So when do you start healing lepers?

I'm working my way up

What are you doing here, what's this about?

Actually, I used to spend a lot of time here doing this

when my grandfather was dying

Oh by the way, I really liked your pie

- Really? - Yeah, it was amazing

Well, thank you

Pie

So, are you going home right after exams?

Um, no, I'm sticking around for the weekend

Do you maybe want to catch a movie or something?

Sure

I don't know what to think anymore

Look, exams start in three days,

and I don't want to risk never seeing you again

Meet me tonight Meet me tonight at our spot

I must be crazy

All right, so I'll call you tomorrow night

Okay

You know what? I'm not sure if it matters anymore,

but I completely forgot to give Miles your letter

My letter?

Yeah, the one you gave to Cleaver to give to Miles

Because he wrote you the apology

Apology? I don't think so

Hi

I was afraid you weren't going to show

I wouldn't miss this for the world

Oh It is so fucking on

Oh yeah

Ooh! Boobies!

What the fuck? What?

Fuck off!

Boobies!

What the fu

Gotcha

So Shall I call the ambulance?

Why do you need an ambulance?

'Cause you're going to need one if you don't got my money

Okay, okay I'll admit, okay, this is looking a little grim right now

But, you know, Miles could turn this whole thing around okay?

I mean, he could change this whole angry mob scene

into one great big beautiful orgy

He can He will

Please

♪ I hate girlfriends

♪ you can't be my girlfriends

♪ Hookers

♪ You can be my girlfriend if you give me freebees

♪ Girls

♪ You can have my kid

♪ As long as I don't see it

♪ Hey, as long as you know

♪ I hate girlfriends

♪ They can't be my girlfriends

♪ Oh, I hate girlfriends

♪ Just not my girlfriend

♪ But you can be the ride of my life

♪ The sun in my moon

♪ Just not my girlfriends

♪ Can't be my girlfriend

♪ I hate girlfriends

♪ Whoo!

♪ Whip those out

♪ Give them some breathing room

♪ Why the hell would you strap them down?

♪ Whip those out!

♪ Off come the panties first

♪ Followed by the bra and then we're talking

♪ Yeah, we're talking

♪ Now, we're bangin'

♪ But we don't have to talk

♪ I prefer it if we don't

♪ But them clothes can still come off

♪ Don't tell me that they won't

♪ So please get naked

♪ You look better naked

♪ Now let's make it

♪ All the lovely panties

♪ Dropping to the floor

♪ Sweet back alley handies

♪ Ain't that what Rock is for?

♪ Less talking

♪ And more panty-dropping

♪ Less talking

♪ And more panty-dropping

♪ But if you have to talk

♪ I hope that it's to say

♪ Can I let these panties drop

♪ To that I'd say, yeah

♪ And I ain't faking

♪ Now all the chicks should get naked

♪ Buck naked

♪ Buck ass naked

♪ All the lovely panties

♪ Droppin' to the floor

♪ Sweet back alley handies

♪ Ain't that what Rock is for?

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa...♪

Fuck off! All right?

Cut!