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Speech! Speech!
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- Okay, okay, okay. Settle down.
- _
3
00:00:05,617 --> 00:00:06,817
Um...
4
00:00:06,885 --> 00:00:08,385
It's hard to believe I'm 50.
5
00:00:08,487 --> 00:00:10,787
A-A-As of today, I'm middle-aged.
6
00:00:10,856 --> 00:00:12,322
What's he been the last 10 years?
7
00:00:12,424 --> 00:00:14,457
Delusional.
He thinks he's a millennial, like us.
8
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:16,526
I've thought a lot about what's next.
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- 51.
- Thank you, buddy.
10
00:00:18,805 --> 00:00:21,172
And it's important
that I continue to grow
11
00:00:21,274 --> 00:00:24,175
and that I stay mentally challenged.
12
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:27,323
Which is why I am starting...
13
00:00:27,425 --> 00:00:28,758
piano lessons,
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00:00:28,827 --> 00:00:30,126
so that by next year's birthday,
15
00:00:30,195 --> 00:00:32,495
I'll be good enough
to perform in public.
16
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:34,297
Oh, great. Another thing to go to.
17
00:00:34,399 --> 00:00:37,133
Also, I'm gonna learn
how to speak Spanish.
18
00:00:37,202 --> 00:00:38,768
Excelente!
19
00:00:38,837 --> 00:00:41,270
Uh, I... I haven't started yet.
20
00:00:41,339 --> 00:00:43,105
Um, and finally, um...
21
00:00:43,174 --> 00:00:46,175
and I know it's a little bit
of a midlife-crisis cliché,
22
00:00:46,244 --> 00:00:47,477
but...
23
00:00:47,545 --> 00:00:50,413
I'm gonna learn
how to ride a unicycle!
24
00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:54,083
Phil, you forgot to open
one of your gifts.
25
00:00:54,152 --> 00:00:55,161
Ooh!
26
00:00:55,253 --> 00:00:59,097
This one,
Jay picked it up for you himself.
27
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He did?
28
00:01:00,056 --> 00:01:01,088
Hey, Dad.
29
00:01:01,157 --> 00:01:02,423
So, what's going on with that hat?
30
00:01:02,492 --> 00:01:04,825
Gloria thinks I look grumpy
in the photos that we take
31
00:01:04,927 --> 00:01:06,227
when we go to these things,
32
00:01:06,296 --> 00:01:08,367
so I'm searching for the right hat
33
00:01:08,392 --> 00:01:09,895
that makes me look like I'm having fun.
34
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Or you could just smile more.
35
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- Eh.
- Wow!
36
00:01:14,217 --> 00:01:15,804
"The Sommelier's Guide
37
00:01:15,816 --> 00:01:17,615
- "to the Wines of France."
- Ooh!
38
00:01:17,654 --> 00:01:19,987
- I love it so much.
- Nice!
39
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Oh, my goodness. It's inscribed.
40
00:01:23,393 --> 00:01:25,156
"May you continue to age
41
00:01:25,181 --> 00:01:28,181
as gracefully as a fine Bordeaux."
42
00:01:28,585 --> 00:01:31,569
"Happy Birthday, Jay. Love, Cam."
43
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- Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift?
- Dad!
44
00:01:35,231 --> 00:01:37,331
- I didn't know he wrote in it.
- Because you didn't open it.
45
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,799
So now I feel like a jerk.
46
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How could you be a jerk?
You're wearing that hat.
47
00:01:41,010 --> 00:01:46,102
_
48
00:01:46,342 --> 00:01:48,075
A year from now,
I'm gonna know what that means.
49
00:02:00,625 --> 00:02:03,080
I got Gloria the greatest
Valentine's Day gift...
50
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:07,528
a box set of DVDs of all
the Dean Martin Roasts.
51
00:02:07,630 --> 00:02:10,476
I was so moved by the romantic gesture
52
00:02:10,501 --> 00:02:12,000
that for Jay's birthday,
53
00:02:12,102 --> 00:02:15,470
I invited a bunch of
people over to insult him.
54
00:02:17,207 --> 00:02:18,773
So, my ex-wife and I,
55
00:02:18,876 --> 00:02:21,276
we were on vacation with Jay and Gloria.
56
00:02:21,378 --> 00:02:23,144
They're walking down the beach,
and my ex-wife says,
57
00:02:23,247 --> 00:02:25,814
"Whoa, look at all that skin."
58
00:02:25,916 --> 00:02:27,505
And I said, "Baby, come on."
59
00:02:27,505 --> 00:02:28,514
"What's wrong with that?
60
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:30,940
She's a beautiful woman in a bikini."
61
00:02:31,042 --> 00:02:33,542
She said, "Oh,
I'm talkin' about Jay's scalp."
62
00:02:38,516 --> 00:02:40,983
Jay is so not Latin
63
00:02:41,085 --> 00:02:43,319
that every time that he dances,
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00:02:43,421 --> 00:02:45,754
people point him to the bathroom.
65
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He has no rhythm. That's what I mean.
66
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,995
But seriously, I love the whites.
67
00:02:53,097 --> 00:02:55,531
No, but seriously,
Jay is quite the environmentalist.
68
00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:58,133
Just this last year,
he recycled a gift of mine...
69
00:02:58,236 --> 00:03:00,002
a wonderful book about wine.
70
00:03:03,608 --> 00:03:05,474
I-I don't want to say my father is old,
71
00:03:05,576 --> 00:03:08,777
but he remembers panicking at Y-1-K.
72
00:03:11,048 --> 00:03:13,048
My dad is old.
73
00:03:13,150 --> 00:03:15,050
How old is he?
74
00:03:15,152 --> 00:03:17,219
He's so old that when
he started using it,
75
00:03:17,321 --> 00:03:19,054
it was called Preparation G.
76
00:03:21,559 --> 00:03:22,625
Enough!
77
00:03:22,727 --> 00:03:24,159
This is terrible!
78
00:03:24,262 --> 00:03:27,263
I don't know why any of you
people think this is funny!
79
00:03:27,365 --> 00:03:31,433
You may think these are jokes,
but it's way too real.
80
00:03:31,535 --> 00:03:35,204
We need to respect Grandpa
instead of cutting him down.
81
00:03:35,306 --> 00:03:38,707
None of us really knows
how much time he has left.
82
00:03:38,809 --> 00:03:40,876
Do you really want these to
be the last words he hears?
83
00:03:40,978 --> 00:03:42,945
Well, now I feel like hell.
84
00:03:43,047 --> 00:03:45,447
And that's how you roast! Bam!
85
00:03:48,986 --> 00:03:51,387
I don't understand why
adults make such a big deal
86
00:03:51,489 --> 00:03:52,554
about their birthdays.
87
00:03:52,556 --> 00:03:54,490
So this year, I asked for nothing.
88
00:03:54,592 --> 00:03:57,326
No party, no fuss.
89
00:03:57,428 --> 00:03:59,395
Just a quiet night by myself,
90
00:03:59,497 --> 00:04:02,031
with my thoughts, all alone.
91
00:04:04,235 --> 00:04:05,300
Okay.
92
00:04:05,303 --> 00:04:07,770
Just as I had hoped,
Mitchell is miserable.
93
00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,038
He said he didn't want a party,
94
00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:11,273
but it's like when you write
"No gifts" on an invitation
95
00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:12,908
but you secretly want
everyone to bring something
96
00:04:13,010 --> 00:04:14,042
big and expensive, Jotham.
97
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,011
I made a heartfelt toast at your party.
98
00:04:16,113 --> 00:04:18,280
Yes, and those 12 words
were just as generous
99
00:04:18,382 --> 00:04:20,783
as the actual physical
gifts everyone else brought.
100
00:04:20,885 --> 00:04:22,518
Okay, I'm gonna go in.
101
00:04:22,620 --> 00:04:25,154
When you hear me say
"Mitchell, you're not alone,"
102
00:04:25,256 --> 00:04:27,690
that's when you come in
and you yell "Surprise."
103
00:04:27,792 --> 00:04:29,158
We know what to say.
104
00:04:29,260 --> 00:04:31,393
Mm. Do you?
105
00:04:32,463 --> 00:04:33,662
Hey!
106
00:04:33,764 --> 00:04:36,098
- How you doing? Okay?
- Yeah.
107
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,367
Now do you see what it's like
to spend your birthday alone?
108
00:04:38,469 --> 00:04:40,202
I do. And it's...
109
00:04:40,304 --> 00:04:41,370
- Yeah.
- ...amazing.
110
00:04:41,372 --> 00:04:43,138
- What?
- Cam, thank you. Thank you.
111
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,974
For once, you heard me and
gave me exactly what I wanted
112
00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:48,177
instead of what you
thought I should want.
113
00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:50,346
Honey, this is the best
birthday present ever.
114
00:04:50,448 --> 00:04:52,348
- It is?
- Yes!
115
00:04:52,450 --> 00:04:54,149
Oh, and you've...
you've got to be relieved, too.
116
00:04:54,251 --> 00:04:55,918
I mean, every time
we hang out with our friends,
117
00:04:56,020 --> 00:04:57,960
they leave and you spend
the rest of the night
118
00:04:57,985 --> 00:05:00,244
complaining about how every
single one of them annoys you.
119
00:05:00,269 --> 00:05:01,831
I don't know what you're talking about!
120
00:05:01,831 --> 00:05:04,731
Oh, please. Jotham's cheap.
L'Michael has bad breath.
121
00:05:04,834 --> 00:05:06,133
That doesn't sound like me!
122
00:05:06,235 --> 00:05:08,202
Antonio's weave is falling apart.
123
00:05:08,304 --> 00:05:09,903
Vincent's a sloppy drunk.
124
00:05:10,005 --> 00:05:11,371
Oh, oh, Jeffrey won't stop telling
125
00:05:11,474 --> 00:05:13,140
his one Bernadette Peters story.
126
00:05:13,734 --> 00:05:15,409
You're the sloppy drunk!
127
00:05:16,579 --> 00:05:18,011
Surprise!
128
00:05:20,349 --> 00:05:21,882
Here's a thing I realized...
129
00:05:21,984 --> 00:05:24,852
You can't get older if
you never have birthdays.
130
00:05:30,593 --> 00:05:32,693
♪ Happy birth... ♪
131
00:05:35,664 --> 00:05:38,098
- What'd I tell you?
- I thought this would be the year.
132
00:05:38,531 --> 00:05:40,297
I told my family I just
wanted my birthday
133
00:05:40,366 --> 00:05:42,366
to be me and Dylan this year
because at the time,
134
00:05:42,468 --> 00:05:44,201
I was still keeping
my pregnancy a secret,
135
00:05:44,270 --> 00:05:45,803
and I knew they'd get all suspicious
136
00:05:45,872 --> 00:05:46,904
about why I wasn't drinking.
137
00:05:47,262 --> 00:05:48,461
What was I going to say?
138
00:05:48,530 --> 00:05:49,896
"I can't drink because
I have work in the morning"?
139
00:05:51,099 --> 00:05:52,865
There's no way they'd believe that.
140
00:05:54,135 --> 00:05:55,401
Here. I got you a present.
141
00:05:55,503 --> 00:05:56,903
Ooh! Thank you!
142
00:05:58,373 --> 00:05:59,605
Get out!
143
00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:00,973
Gucci baby sneakers!
144
00:06:02,810 --> 00:06:04,377
They're adorable.
145
00:06:04,479 --> 00:06:06,445
Our baby's gonna be so hot.
146
00:06:06,514 --> 00:06:07,713
Personally, I think it's weird
147
00:06:07,815 --> 00:06:09,582
that there are shoes for
someone who can't walk.
148
00:06:09,684 --> 00:06:13,386
But you know what, Haley?
I love that we're pregnannnt...
149
00:06:14,355 --> 00:06:16,389
- Hello!
- Hi!
150
00:06:16,457 --> 00:06:17,950
What are you guys doing here?
151
00:06:17,975 --> 00:06:19,208
At the restaurant? We got a...
152
00:06:19,277 --> 00:06:20,543
- We got a Groupon, but we...
- Us too.
153
00:06:20,645 --> 00:06:22,278
Yeah, we j...
we just saw that you were over here.
154
00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:24,046
- Wanted to say happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.
155
00:06:24,115 --> 00:06:25,381
Didn't mean to overhear.
156
00:06:25,450 --> 00:06:26,482
You didn't overhear anything.
157
00:06:26,484 --> 00:06:28,366
We were talking about a TV show.
158
00:06:28,391 --> 00:06:29,557
Oh, well, then, what's... what's up
159
00:06:29,659 --> 00:06:30,792
with these little baby shoes, then?
160
00:06:30,861 --> 00:06:32,427
These are... These are not baby shoes.
161
00:06:32,496 --> 00:06:33,661
- Oh.
- No, they're, um...
162
00:06:33,764 --> 00:06:35,196
We are starting a business
163
00:06:35,265 --> 00:06:38,767
for people who cannot afford
full-size designer wear.
164
00:06:38,869 --> 00:06:41,936
Oh. Well, as much as that
does sound like you, I...
165
00:06:42,038 --> 00:06:43,271
Okay.
166
00:06:44,241 --> 00:06:45,774
- I'm pregnant.
- Oh, my God.
167
00:06:45,876 --> 00:06:46,908
That's exciting!
168
00:06:47,010 --> 00:06:48,843
- Is it?
- We think so.
169
00:06:49,161 --> 00:06:50,527
But we have not told my parents yet,
170
00:06:50,596 --> 00:06:52,062
so please don't say anything.
171
00:06:52,164 --> 00:06:54,465
Oh, honey,
I could keep your secret forever,
172
00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:56,433
but just so you know, he can't.
173
00:06:56,535 --> 00:06:57,568
Yeah, I'm weak.
174
00:06:57,570 --> 00:06:59,269
Yeah, you got maybe three,
four days tops.
175
00:06:59,372 --> 00:07:00,771
- What?
- Yeah.
176
00:07:00,873 --> 00:07:02,873
Oh. Okay.
Well, these were from us, but...
177
00:07:02,975 --> 00:07:04,208
Yeah, she can't have it. She's pregnant.
178
00:07:04,310 --> 00:07:06,143
Okay, there you go. See?
179
00:07:06,245 --> 00:07:07,344
Now, you listen to me.
180
00:07:07,446 --> 00:07:08,612
My roller-coastering hormones
181
00:07:08,714 --> 00:07:10,581
cannot handle another lecture
from my mother right now,
182
00:07:10,683 --> 00:07:11,915
so you are going to tell me a secret
183
00:07:12,018 --> 00:07:15,919
that I will reveal to everyone
if you ever spill mine!
184
00:07:16,022 --> 00:07:17,621
- Yeah, but I don't have any secrets.
- Mm?
185
00:07:17,723 --> 00:07:19,623
Uh,
when he dresses as Fizbo,
186
00:07:19,725 --> 00:07:21,859
he puts the makeup everywhere.
187
00:07:21,961 --> 00:07:24,214
- Mm. You're the best.
- Mm-hmm.
188
00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:27,710
Because of the whole 21 thing,
189
00:07:27,712 --> 00:07:29,981
people don't think
turning 20 is a big deal.
190
00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:32,710
But it's all I've been thinking about
191
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,430
for the last three years.
192
00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,049
Hey.
193
00:07:38,364 --> 00:07:40,097
Three years ago, I came in here,
194
00:07:40,132 --> 00:07:42,687
and when I saw you, I fell in love.
195
00:07:43,031 --> 00:07:45,192
The kind of love that
punches you in the gut
196
00:07:45,217 --> 00:07:47,218
and makes you wanna be a better man.
197
00:07:47,243 --> 00:07:49,603
But when I asked you out,
you said, "Sorry, kid.
198
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:52,238
You're cute,
but I don't date teenagers."
199
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,573
Well... check it out.
200
00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:56,242
Oh! Happy birthday!
201
00:07:56,718 --> 00:07:57,910
But now I don't date men.
202
00:07:58,277 --> 00:07:59,344
Oh.
203
00:08:00,854 --> 00:08:03,789
Well... looks like
I've got a decision to make.
204
00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:07,283
On my birthday this year,
205
00:08:07,283 --> 00:08:10,018
I really got a sense of
what people think of me.
206
00:08:10,119 --> 00:08:11,320
Which is...
207
00:08:11,421 --> 00:08:12,654
so great.
208
00:08:12,755 --> 00:08:14,283
This is from me and the boys.
209
00:08:14,364 --> 00:08:15,898
Gloria got you her own gift.
210
00:08:16,627 --> 00:08:18,967
Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!
211
00:08:19,068 --> 00:08:20,135
I did that.
212
00:08:20,136 --> 00:08:22,144
It's a lost art in this modern age
213
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,670
where people simply click and
ship gifts over the Internet.
214
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,372
Papi, just be normal.
215
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,674
Let's see. It is, uh...
216
00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,276
some kind of silk pillow?
217
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:31,377
Well, it's more than that.
218
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,579
See, there's a switch on the side,
219
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,282
and when you lay on it, it...
it plays ocean sounds for you.
220
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:37,784
You know, i-it helps you relax.
221
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,486
- Huh.
- At least it's not a re-gift.
222
00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:41,888
- How do you live with this?
- I...
223
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,690
Tell you what.
224
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,665
How about we do one more gift, and then
225
00:08:45,690 --> 00:08:47,457
- we take a break for cake and do the rest after?
- Yeah.
226
00:08:47,558 --> 00:08:48,559
Hmm?
227
00:08:48,645 --> 00:08:50,927
Here, Mrs. Dunphy.
This is from me and Haley.
228
00:08:51,028 --> 00:08:52,262
Mm, thank you, Dylan.
229
00:08:52,363 --> 00:08:53,496
Although I have to say,
230
00:08:53,598 --> 00:08:56,276
you have given me enough
gifts this year already.
231
00:08:56,276 --> 00:08:58,811
Again, I'm very sorry about
impregnating your daughter.
232
00:08:58,912 --> 00:09:01,046
Yeah.
233
00:09:02,091 --> 00:09:03,201
What is this?
234
00:09:03,201 --> 00:09:04,501
It's an aromatherapy machine.
235
00:09:04,602 --> 00:09:06,217
See, you put in oils that
are supposed to help you
236
00:09:06,218 --> 00:09:07,435
with the stress of the day.
237
00:09:07,535 --> 00:09:08,552
Oh!
238
00:09:08,623 --> 00:09:10,499
Alright, well... let's see.
239
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,136
So far, I have gotten a spa day,
240
00:09:13,236 --> 00:09:14,519
three massages,
241
00:09:14,619 --> 00:09:17,485
a meditation class, an ocean pillow,
242
00:09:17,585 --> 00:09:19,824
a rage bat, and a little machine
243
00:09:19,924 --> 00:09:22,226
that's supposed to trick my
nose into calming me down.
244
00:09:22,251 --> 00:09:23,634
Why does everyone think I'm so tense?
245
00:09:23,734 --> 00:09:25,347
You bit through your night guard.
246
00:09:25,447 --> 00:09:27,621
You're squeezing me too hard.
247
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,696
And last week,
you made the pharmacist cry.
248
00:09:29,796 --> 00:09:32,347
That's because he wouldn't
sell me any more Sudafed.
249
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,755
The entire family was sick.
250
00:09:33,855 --> 00:09:35,370
I was not cooking meth.
251
00:09:35,470 --> 00:09:37,572
You know what? I don't even want cake.
252
00:09:37,572 --> 00:09:39,581
I really don't appreciate
being criticized like this,
253
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:40,964
especially on my birthday.
254
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:47,093
Um, that's my gift. Open later.
255
00:09:48,344 --> 00:09:50,252
Manny and I share a birthday,
256
00:09:50,252 --> 00:09:52,821
so I always do something
big to get attention.
257
00:09:52,921 --> 00:09:54,420
Look! No hands!
258
00:09:54,425 --> 00:09:56,775
- Way to go, kid!
- Bravo, papi!
259
00:09:56,875 --> 00:09:58,785
Hey, guys! Check it out.
260
00:09:58,884 --> 00:10:01,240
Unicycling to my piano lesson.
261
00:10:01,265 --> 00:10:03,603
Wow! We're so proud of you!
262
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:04,708
Now, that's impressive.
263
00:10:04,758 --> 00:10:06,832
Happy birthday, Joe!
264
00:10:06,932 --> 00:10:08,974
It was!
265
00:10:09,074 --> 00:10:10,655
It goes without saying
266
00:10:10,755 --> 00:10:12,598
I'm the best performer in the family.
267
00:10:12,698 --> 00:10:15,300
This year, for my birthday,
I decided to have a talent show
268
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,112
so they all start saying it.
269
00:10:17,213 --> 00:10:18,727
Wait.
270
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,787
It's a talent show?
I-I didn't know that.
271
00:10:20,812 --> 00:10:22,345
It said so on the invitation.
272
00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:24,072
- Mitchell?
- I only skimmed it.
273
00:10:24,172 --> 00:10:25,180
This is a disaster.
274
00:10:25,259 --> 00:10:27,005
We didn't prepare anything!
275
00:10:27,105 --> 00:10:30,333
♪ Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina ♪
276
00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:34,122
♪ In the morning ♪
277
00:10:34,222 --> 00:10:36,000
♪ No one could be sweeter
than my sweetie... ♪
278
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:38,535
I can't believe they had
matching vests in their car.
279
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,899
Uncle Grumpy, why are you so angry?
280
00:10:40,999 --> 00:10:45,001
Because the
President wants to build a wall!
281
00:10:45,026 --> 00:10:47,234
Ay, yeah, that is very sad.
282
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:48,518
Sad for me,
283
00:10:48,618 --> 00:10:52,040
because I have no money and I am ugly.
284
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:56,196
For you, he would let you
in because you have money
285
00:10:56,221 --> 00:10:58,098
and you have the boobs.
286
00:11:00,175 --> 00:11:01,926
I never thought Uncle
Grumpy would go political.
287
00:11:01,951 --> 00:11:03,006
Hm. Yeah.
288
00:11:08,935 --> 00:11:10,352
I knew I wasn't ready!
289
00:11:11,106 --> 00:11:12,818
- ♪ Naah-aah ♪
- ♪ Butterflies all flutter up ♪
290
00:11:12,918 --> 00:11:14,201
- ♪ Aah-aah ♪
- ♪ And kiss each little buttercup... ♪
291
00:11:14,301 --> 00:11:16,515
Stella, walk in a circle.
292
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:17,824
Stella, sit.
293
00:11:17,924 --> 00:11:19,274
Bang!
294
00:11:19,373 --> 00:11:20,822
- Ohh.
- Ah. Close, Dad.
295
00:11:20,922 --> 00:11:22,789
No, I taught her to go for the gun.
296
00:11:25,006 --> 00:11:28,201
The banjo scares me ever
since I saw that creepy film.
297
00:11:28,301 --> 00:11:29,585
Wait. What was it called, again?
298
00:11:29,684 --> 00:11:30,738
"Deliverance"?
299
00:11:30,838 --> 00:11:33,868
No... "The Muppet Movie."
300
00:11:33,968 --> 00:11:36,043
He was a three-toed tree toad,
but a two-toed toad was she.
301
00:11:36,143 --> 00:11:37,855
The three-toed tree toad tried to
win the two-toed shetoad's heart,
302
00:11:37,955 --> 00:11:39,272
for the three-toed tree
toad loved the ground
303
00:11:39,372 --> 00:11:40,623
that the two-toed tree toad trod.
304
00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:41,940
"...tree toad trod." And sent.
305
00:11:43,392 --> 00:11:44,409
- Ohh!
- Whoa! Ay!
306
00:11:44,479 --> 00:11:45,795
Stop it!
307
00:11:45,895 --> 00:11:47,410
Fastest thumbs in the West!
308
00:11:49,158 --> 00:11:52,649
♪ If I had Aladdin's
lamp for only a day ♪
309
00:11:52,749 --> 00:11:56,636
♪ I would make a wish,
and here's what I'd say ♪
310
00:11:56,736 --> 00:12:00,572
♪ Nothing could be finer
than to be in Carolina ♪
311
00:12:00,597 --> 00:12:04,451
♪ In the mooorniiing ♪
312
00:12:04,551 --> 00:12:06,363
As you all know, Sherry and I met
313
00:12:06,363 --> 00:12:08,932
and fell for each other
over our love of improv.
314
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:12,187
So, we're at a romantic restaurant.
315
00:12:12,212 --> 00:12:13,397
Okay.
316
00:12:15,545 --> 00:12:17,389
That dinner was delicious.
317
00:12:17,489 --> 00:12:19,531
I can't believe you chose this place.
318
00:12:19,631 --> 00:12:21,920
The chef is my ex-boyfriend.
319
00:12:21,945 --> 00:12:23,130
The crazy one?
320
00:12:23,230 --> 00:12:24,997
Yes. He's very jealous,
321
00:12:24,997 --> 00:12:26,939
and I'm scared he did
something to your food.
322
00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:28,125
Oh. Eh...
323
00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:30,039
I am feeling a little funny.
324
00:12:30,064 --> 00:12:31,480
I wish this were a little funny.
325
00:12:31,580 --> 00:12:33,733
Ooh. Ha. Okay. Oh, boy.
326
00:12:33,758 --> 00:12:34,653
Whew!
327
00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:36,102
I-Is this room spinning? I...
328
00:12:36,202 --> 00:12:38,409
- No.
- I was afraid of that.
329
00:12:38,509 --> 00:12:40,682
Well, then I better do
this before it's too late.
330
00:12:41,968 --> 00:12:43,285
And this part is real.
331
00:12:43,385 --> 00:12:45,130
Sherry Shaker,
332
00:12:45,229 --> 00:12:47,402
I used to be a one-man show,
333
00:12:47,427 --> 00:12:49,512
and then you entered from stage left,
334
00:12:49,512 --> 00:12:51,060
and I fell in love.
335
00:12:51,449 --> 00:12:53,208
I want you
336
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,549
to be my scene partner forever.
337
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:59,258
Darling, let's force
our friends to sit through
338
00:12:59,283 --> 00:13:01,020
the rest of our lives together.
339
00:13:03,603 --> 00:13:04,663
Will you marry me?
340
00:13:04,673 --> 00:13:05,783
Oh, my God.
341
00:13:07,590 --> 00:13:08,651
Manny!
342
00:13:09,474 --> 00:13:10,902
No!
343
00:13:11,418 --> 00:13:13,394
Why would you do this?!
344
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:20,806
You gotta be feeling better
about that piano.
345
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:27,433
I'd rather not talk about
my birthday this year.
346
00:13:27,434 --> 00:13:31,611
♪ Happy birthday, dear Lily ♪
347
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:35,547
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
348
00:13:35,616 --> 00:13:37,817
I still can't
believe Sherry said no
349
00:13:37,842 --> 00:13:39,198
and broke up with me.
350
00:13:39,198 --> 00:13:40,765
What does he expect?
He's 20 years old.
351
00:13:40,866 --> 00:13:43,373
He proposed in front of his
family at a pretend restaurant.
352
00:13:43,373 --> 00:13:45,274
Whatever happened to "Yes and"?
353
00:13:45,299 --> 00:13:46,532
Jay,
I've tried everything.
354
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:49,168
Please say something to him
that will make him feel better.
355
00:13:49,269 --> 00:13:50,409
Fine.
356
00:13:50,771 --> 00:13:52,505
Kid, let it go.
357
00:13:52,557 --> 00:13:54,024
It was four days ago.
358
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,259
Alright, let's make a wish!
359
00:13:56,490 --> 00:13:57,757
I wish I were dead.
360
00:13:58,859 --> 00:13:59,859
Alright.
361
00:14:00,558 --> 00:14:01,628
There we go.
362
00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:05,777
Haley and I have had this plan for years
363
00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:08,613
that when I turn 21,
we'd hit the bars together.
364
00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:11,549
But since she's pregnant,
I was drinking for two.
365
00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:13,952
Technically, four.
366
00:14:16,869 --> 00:14:19,270
Lemme tell you something, Haley Dunphy.
367
00:14:19,372 --> 00:14:21,606
Do you know how much I admire you?
368
00:14:21,707 --> 00:14:22,741
Do you?
369
00:14:23,134 --> 00:14:24,968
So much!
370
00:14:25,069 --> 00:14:27,416
While I was working my butt off,
371
00:14:27,416 --> 00:14:29,345
you were out there having fun!
372
00:14:29,370 --> 00:14:30,904
Not worrying about anything...
373
00:14:31,005 --> 00:14:33,307
not school, not work...
374
00:14:33,408 --> 00:14:34,875
not condoms.
375
00:14:34,976 --> 00:14:37,316
Look at you... all preg-a-nant.
376
00:14:38,416 --> 00:14:40,084
Maybe I should have Bill
come get me pregnant.
377
00:14:40,185 --> 00:14:41,218
Ooh.
378
00:14:41,219 --> 00:14:43,754
Then we can be pregnant together!
That would be fun!
379
00:14:43,755 --> 00:14:45,322
Where's my phone?
380
00:14:45,423 --> 00:14:48,149
I'm gonna text him to
come get me pregnant.
381
00:14:48,174 --> 00:14:49,407
You know what?
382
00:14:49,509 --> 00:14:51,135
It's 2000-something.
383
00:14:51,144 --> 00:14:53,178
I'm gonna get him pregnant!
384
00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:55,246
I miss drinking.
385
00:14:55,515 --> 00:14:58,001
Unlike some people, I love my birthday.
386
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:00,734
It's the one day a year
that can be all about me.
387
00:15:03,804 --> 00:15:04,818
Oh, yeah. Um, um...
388
00:15:04,917 --> 00:15:06,650
So, um, I thought it would be fun
389
00:15:06,749 --> 00:15:08,155
if we all went around the room
390
00:15:08,254 --> 00:15:09,855
and say what we love about Cam.
391
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:10,885
- Oh!
- Yeah.
392
00:15:10,985 --> 00:15:13,282
Well, that's out of nowhere,
but if you insist.
393
00:15:13,381 --> 00:15:14,372
Haley, why don't you go first?
394
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:15,378
Oh, me? Okay.
395
00:15:15,477 --> 00:15:18,243
Well, um... I love Uncle Cam
396
00:15:18,268 --> 00:15:20,427
because he is fun and
dresses with flair.
397
00:15:20,527 --> 00:15:21,638
Oh, my gosh.
398
00:15:22,719 --> 00:15:24,157
And, uh, I love
399
00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,498
that he makes my Uncle Mitchell happy.
400
00:15:25,498 --> 00:15:26,905
- Awww!
- Ohh!
401
00:15:27,004 --> 00:15:28,567
Oh, also, I love that you guys
were the first ones
402
00:15:28,592 --> 00:15:31,408
to find out I was pregnant
and you never judged me.
403
00:15:31,701 --> 00:15:33,514
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
404
00:15:33,539 --> 00:15:35,225
I thought we all found
out at the same time.
405
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:36,500
Oh,... Well...
406
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,828
Mitchell, you knew she was
pregnant and you didn't tell me?
407
00:15:38,853 --> 00:15:40,304
I didn't think it was my place.
408
00:15:40,304 --> 00:15:42,184
Anyway, who's next?
409
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:43,713
"What I love about Cam is..."
410
00:15:43,813 --> 00:15:46,166
I just wish you would
have my back just once.
411
00:15:46,191 --> 00:15:48,070
I don't think she's been using my gift.
412
00:15:48,070 --> 00:15:50,226
- ♪ Happy birthday to Cam, happy... ♪
- Stop. Drop it.
413
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:51,456
Welcome to my world.
414
00:15:51,497 --> 00:15:54,056
At my birthday,
all anyone cared about was weepy Manny
415
00:15:54,091 --> 00:15:55,365
'cause Sherry broke up with him.
416
00:15:56,654 --> 00:15:58,395
She has a boyfriend now.
417
00:15:58,950 --> 00:16:01,102
Way to go, Lily. Way to go!
418
00:16:02,478 --> 00:16:04,211
_
419
00:16:12,819 --> 00:16:14,846
How old are you?
420
00:16:14,945 --> 00:16:17,889
I turn 51 in, uh...
421
00:16:18,747 --> 00:16:20,218
this many days.
422
00:16:20,317 --> 00:16:21,285
Ugh.
423
00:16:21,285 --> 00:16:23,541
My dad had a midlife crisis, too.
424
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,177
I have a hamster at his condo.
425
00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:27,108
No. N-No midlife crisis.
426
00:16:27,207 --> 00:16:29,901
I just think you're...
you're never too old to learn.
427
00:16:31,529 --> 00:16:33,230
Just stay away from my mom.
428
00:16:33,329 --> 00:16:35,062
She has a thing for losers.
429
00:16:38,106 --> 00:16:40,363
Are you okay?
Should we take you to the hospital?
430
00:16:40,462 --> 00:16:42,692
Yeah, the contractions are
getting closer together.
431
00:16:42,717 --> 00:16:44,353
No. Dad is next.
432
00:16:44,452 --> 00:16:46,447
I can hold it for a few minutes, okay?
433
00:16:46,546 --> 00:16:48,247
I don't want to screw this up for him.
434
00:16:53,484 --> 00:16:56,428
Yikes. Hate to follow that.
435
00:16:56,527 --> 00:16:58,293
What are you gonna dazzle us with?
436
00:16:58,648 --> 00:16:59,825
"Für Elise".
437
00:16:59,924 --> 00:17:02,378
In which key... "B" obvious?
438
00:17:02,477 --> 00:17:06,108
Next up,
the only student of mine who shaves.
439
00:17:06,207 --> 00:17:08,202
Phillip Dunphy.
440
00:17:14,846 --> 00:17:15,895
Um...
441
00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:20,494
When I turned 50,
I vowed to do some things
442
00:17:20,519 --> 00:17:22,220
to take me out of my comfort zone
443
00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:24,576
and keep me on my toes,
and I want to thank my family
444
00:17:25,366 --> 00:17:27,951
- for being my biggest cheerleaders.
- Oooooaaaaaah!
445
00:17:28,050 --> 00:17:29,260
I love you, too, honey.
446
00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:30,486
No, Haley's going into labor!
447
00:17:30,487 --> 00:17:31,787
We've got to get her
to the hospital, honey!
448
00:17:31,887 --> 00:17:32,998
- Oh!
- I tried to hold it! I'm sorry, Dad!
449
00:17:33,099 --> 00:17:34,962
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, everyone!
450
00:17:35,062 --> 00:17:36,567
Convenient.
451
00:17:51,039 --> 00:17:52,459
Yes! Great! Come on!
452
00:17:52,494 --> 00:17:53,836
Great work, honey.
453
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,823
Tell your mom I say hi.
454
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,457
- Dylan!
- Is everything okay?
455
00:18:03,701 --> 00:18:04,714
No.
456
00:18:06,155 --> 00:18:07,594
Everything's amazing.
457
00:18:08,059 --> 00:18:09,661
Why would you say it that way?
458
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,035
Haley's fine.
459
00:18:11,134 --> 00:18:12,540
She was so brave.
460
00:18:12,639 --> 00:18:14,340
And the babies are great!
461
00:18:14,439 --> 00:18:16,075
I can't wait to see them!
462
00:18:16,174 --> 00:18:17,579
As soon as they're done
getting checked out.
463
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:18,790
I'm gonna go get them now.
464
00:18:19,026 --> 00:18:21,316
Wait, wait. What about the sex?
465
00:18:21,415 --> 00:18:23,214
Doctor says not for six weeks.
466
00:18:26,462 --> 00:18:27,599
Is this the Dunphy suite?
467
00:18:28,679 --> 00:18:30,937
Oh, how's the mommy?
468
00:18:31,270 --> 00:18:33,429
Hand sanitizer, everyone. Here you go.
469
00:18:33,528 --> 00:18:34,508
How you doing, kiddo?
470
00:18:34,607 --> 00:18:36,636
A little tired. I overdid it last night.
471
00:18:36,735 --> 00:18:38,827
I don't think he
was talking to you, buddy.
472
00:18:38,926 --> 00:18:40,137
It's overwhelming.
473
00:18:40,236 --> 00:18:42,209
Just feeling so many different emotions.
474
00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:43,805
I'm also doing great.
475
00:18:43,805 --> 00:18:45,996
I have a son and a daughter,
476
00:18:46,095 --> 00:18:48,701
and once they washed them off,
they were really cute.
477
00:18:48,726 --> 00:18:49,390
Aww!
478
00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:50,680
Oh, what are their names?
479
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,526
We're gonna put a pin in that
until the drugs wear off.
480
00:18:53,625 --> 00:18:56,994
Nobody needs grandchildren
named Pixar and Coachella.
481
00:18:57,029 --> 00:18:59,860
- Ooh.
- Phil, this is for you.
482
00:18:59,885 --> 00:19:02,665
It's a... little early birthday present.
483
00:19:02,765 --> 00:19:05,709
And I admit, this one is a re-gift.
484
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:10,799
- "World's Best Grandfather."
- Claire:
485
00:19:10,828 --> 00:19:12,805
It's the mug I gave you
when Haley was born.
486
00:19:12,904 --> 00:19:14,082
You kept it all these years.
487
00:19:14,181 --> 00:19:16,405
Yeah. But, uh... it's yours now.
488
00:19:16,504 --> 00:19:18,597
I don't need it anymore.
I got a new title.
489
00:19:19,579 --> 00:19:21,051
"Great grandma"?
490
00:19:22,296 --> 00:19:23,375
Oh, hell. I grabbed the wrong one.
491
00:19:23,474 --> 00:19:24,257
Here.
492
00:19:24,848 --> 00:19:26,810
- I'm going to count to three.
- Yeah.
493
00:19:26,909 --> 00:19:28,545
Hey, how was your recital, Phil?
494
00:19:28,644 --> 00:19:30,181
Oh, I messed it all up for him.
495
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,983
Sorry about that, Dad.
496
00:19:32,008 --> 00:19:34,362
I-I know that was your
big goal for the year.
497
00:19:34,461 --> 00:19:35,868
I have a better one now.
498
00:19:36,457 --> 00:19:38,453
Mi ano fue hermoso.
499
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:40,612
- Mm.
- My year was beautiful.
500
00:19:40,711 --> 00:19:42,510
"Año" means "year."
501
00:19:42,609 --> 00:19:44,801
"Ano" means "anus."
502
00:19:45,816 --> 00:19:47,059
Still works.
503
00:19:47,703 --> 00:19:49,153
Hey, everybody.
504
00:19:49,252 --> 00:19:51,607
Ay, where are the babies?
I want to see them.
505
00:19:51,706 --> 00:19:53,800
Thers no easy way to say this.
506
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,315
Mitch and Cam have a whole
thing they want to do.
507
00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:00,246
Oh, God. It's worse than I thought.
508
00:20:05,515 --> 00:20:08,296
Oh, my God! I love it so much!
509
00:20:16,806 --> 00:20:19,030
I can't believe they had
matching robes in their car.
510
00:20:20,405 --> 00:20:23,645
They're so beautiful!
511
00:20:26,591 --> 00:20:27,669
Good job.
512
00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:29,697
You're
both gonna get dog beds.
513
00:20:32,078 --> 00:20:33,952
- You're next, huh?
- Shh!
514
00:20:34,051 --> 00:20:35,228
Okay. Okay. I'm just saying.
515
00:20:39,483 --> 00:20:41,053
Good job, kid.
516
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:51,621
Oh, is he still crying?
517
00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:52,723
Yeah, has been for hours.
518
00:20:52,824 --> 00:20:54,157
Wow.
519
00:20:54,259 --> 00:20:56,505
I thought he'd cry himself to sleep,
poor little guy.
520
00:20:56,540 --> 00:20:57,836
Well, has he eaten anything?
521
00:20:57,871 --> 00:20:59,488
Uh, I fed him an hour ago.
522
00:20:59,513 --> 00:21:01,280
It's amazing how one can be fine
523
00:21:01,381 --> 00:21:03,015
and the other one is so upset.
524
00:21:03,116 --> 00:21:04,817
You go up to bed.
I'll check on him one last time.
525
00:21:04,918 --> 00:21:06,385
Thanks, Mom.
526
00:21:06,486 --> 00:21:10,089
There's my big, brave boy.
527
00:21:10,190 --> 00:21:12,104
Sherry booked
a toothpaste commercial.
528
00:21:12,139 --> 00:21:12,858
Uh-huh.
529
00:21:12,959 --> 00:21:14,927
I'm going to have to
see that beautiful smile
530
00:21:15,028 --> 00:21:16,195
all the time!
531
00:21:16,296 --> 00:21:17,154
Mm.
532
00:21:17,597 --> 00:21:18,898
There, there. Let it out.
533
00:21:23,540 --> 00:21:26,052
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