All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s09e03 High on the Corporate Ladder.eng

Yay, you made it.
Thanks for coming by, Dad.

Hey.

Well, this better be good.

-You know how I feel about
the drug trade. -Hmm.

Especially when I'm heading home
to get a beer.

Quit complaining, the shop
is right on your way home.

Well, so is Gymboree.

Don't see me stopping by there
to practice my dismounts.

(laughs)

Well, you're gonna flip
when you see this.

(laughs)
Look. Uh, Ryan made Bud's Buds

Denver's Fastest Growing
Independent Dispensary.

Wow, they're not kidding around.

That thing's, uh,
made out of real mahogany.

Getting noticed, huh?
You know what's next.

Big Cannabis will try
to shut you down.

Oh, yeah.
Like stealing my ideas?

-Trust me, they already are.
-Ah.

And you know what, it's fine,
'cause I work for myself.

I'm nimble.
I don't have to deal with, like,

-a thousand pointless meetings
a day-- Oh. -(phone ringing)

Hello?

-I got to go pick up Evelyn.
-You're going over to my house?

Why didn't you just bring
the plaque there?

Great idea. I'll show Mom.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, you-you stay here.

Just, you know, talk to Ryan.

What?

Okay. Thanks.

Sorry. One of my delivery guys.

I swear to God,
it would just be easier

-for me to deliver it myself.
-Hey.

This is what happens when
the business starts taking off.

Yeah, it reminds me,
when our business took off,

-Ed and I realized...
-(phone ringing)

Hello?

No, no. It's North Pearl Street,
not South Pearl Street.

That's not even
in your delivery area.

Right, so we hired
this young guy that we c...

Do you got a minute? We c...

I'm just kidding. I hung up.

I just really like
doing this to you.

Wow. Haven't lost
your delightful sense of humor.

Um, is there something
you wanted to talk to me about?

Uh, I wouldn't mind getting
some advice on how you and Ed

handled Outdoor Man
when it started to take off,

'cause this is really
starting to wear me down.

(mouths)

You're not even holding a phone.

I know, but you're right.
This is really fun. This...

Trust me,
I would only ask advice

of my mentor
when I really needed it.

What did you call me?

My mentor.

Oh, hell no, no, no, no, no, no.

A mentor is somebody who takes
a real interest in your career.

Exactly.

You know, if I was
to hustle to Gymboree,

I could get
in that parachute circle

before the afternoon rush.

♪

VANESSA:
What's wrong?

You know wh--
G-Get this. Today, Ryan,

he said he thinks of me
as his mentor.

Well, yeah, y-you kind of are.

You're always giving him advice.

No. That's called criticism.

Well, embrace it.

Look, I do as a teacher,

which is basically a mentor
who buys her own chalk.

(laughs)

I don't want to do this.

It's tutoring a grown man
for free.

If I was a mentor, I'd tell
somebody, "Don't do that."

All right, you know what?

Let-let me, let me
tell you a story.

Oh. I think I need
more drumsticks.

No, look...

One time, a student
asked me to be her mentor...

-Mm-hmm.
-...and I didn't want to do it,

so I passed her off
to another colleague.

Well, that teacher
did a bad job,

and the girl completely
lost interest in science.

-Well, what happened to her?
-I-I wish I knew.

But I never heard
from her again.

You gave me a great idea,
though. That's a great idea.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Good. Well... (chuckles)

Once a teacher,
always a teacher.

-Yeah.
-(laughs)

I'm just gonna
pass off my problem

-to some other sucker.
-What? No, no, that...

That's not what
my story was about.

Wow, wow, wow. Are your stories
always this smart?

I've got to work harder
at not tuning you out.

Just... (imitates beep)

MANDY:
You ready to go?

Uh, yeah, almost, uh...
Remember how, last week,

when my computer crashed?

Well, Mr. Alzate gave me
a brand-new one.

It doesn't look new.

Well, that's because it's not.

Now, if I only knew
the password.

Uh, maybe it's this?

"Ed-1-2-3"?

(keys clicking)

Hey, it worked.

With our brainpower,
what can't we do?

Hey, what's this file?

"Do not open."

Hey, let's open that.

No. If you, if you don't want
someone to open something,

you write, "Do not open."

-(key clicks)
-Oops, too late.

Uh, "Bucket List."

Aw, man, I wanted it
to be something good.

Like everyone's salary.
Or their weight.

No, these are all the things

that Mr. Alzate
still wants to do.

"Run a 5K, learn Mandarin,
stop swearing."

Wow. He hasn't
done any of these.

Yeah, that explains
why he cussed at me today,

and it was not in Mandarin.

Mandy, we should help Mr. Alzate

accomplish everything
on this list.

But he's so grouchy.

No, but-but he's always
there for us

any time we need anything.

The least we can do is help him
accomplish his dreams.

No, I'm already
raising a toddler.

I don't want to raise
an 80-year-old.

The puppy dog eyes?

Okay, fine.

You are making
a giant ham sandwich.

Yep.

Also known
as your victory sandwich.

Yep. Your idea
about pushing Ryan off

to another mentor,
that was a great idea.

No, no, no.
Do not pin that on me.

-Mm.
-That was not my idea.

-Mike, no.
-Listen, listen.

Talked to Dave Elliot--
he was so impressed with Ryan

he also wants to buy
Bud's Buds, right?

So put that in your hash pipe
and smoke it.

Wait, so...

So, if he buys Bud's Buds,

then-then what happens
to Ryan's job?

Oh, keeps the job. More support.

And I don't have to keep
that store anymore,

so I killed two birds
with one stone.

VANESSA:
Hmm.

So, my idea

wasn't just good, it was great.

It really wasn't your idea,
was it?

-(chuckles)
-No, it was.

It was, and that is technically

my victory sandwich.

Damn it.

What the hell did you do?

You've ruined Ryan's life.

Oh, that was your mother's idea.

What do you mean
"ruined his life"?

I think the words
you're looking for

is "thank" and "you."

Your buddy Dave Elliot
called this morning.

Yeah. I sent him a note
with the two words in it,

"thank" and "you."

Turns out he doesn't want Ryan
to run the new Bud's Buds.

No, he wants him to be
his regional sales director

-in the corporate offices.
-(laughs)

How long did it take for Ryan
to say "Go to hell" to that?

(laughs)
He didn't. He wants to take it.

Hold on. Ryan wants to work
in a corporate office?

That's like a--
like a dog on a surfboard.

It just doesn't look right.

Th-This job will make
Ryan miserable.

Well, it could be worse.
He could be somebody's mentor.

Hey, Mr. Alzate.

You ready for your power walk?

No, no way.
No, we did that yesterday.

And I only went
because I thought

you were throwing me
a surprise party.

Well, surprise.
Another power walk.

I have a better idea.
You tell me where you're going,

and I'll meet you there
in my Bentley, all right?

All right,
we'll give you today off,

but that means
two power walks tomorrow.

Before you know it,
you'll be able to run a 5K.

I'll tell you what, I'll give
you 5K to leave me alone.

-Deal.
-Uh, uh, no. No deal, no deal.

Uh, but we'll see you tomorrow,
which is míngtian in Mandarin.

(chuckles)
For the record,

I'll leave you alone
for a hundred bucks.

I-I don't know
what they're doing.

They want me to run a 5K,
learn Mandarin

and stop swearing.
What the...?

Wait. H-Hang on.
Didn't you just give Kyle

-your old computer?
-Yes.

W-Well, that used to be
my computer.

(laughs)
They found my old bucket list

and think it's yours.

I never saw that.

Oh, uh, that's because
I marked it "Do not open."

I see. You should have marked it
"Top Ten Shoe Inserts."

And you're the security guy?

I can't believe they did that.
You know what?

I have access to everyone's
computer through the network.

I'm gonna create
a new folder on Kyle's.

-Bucket list number two?
-(laughs) Yep.

And this one I'll mark,
"Really, really do not open."

(laughs)

Well, uh, name something
you always wanted to do, Ed.

Well, I've never seen
Shakespeare in the Park.

Aha. Well, well, how about, uh,

Shakespeare in the office?

-(chuckles)
-Ooh.

"To do or not to do,
there is no trying."

Uh, that's not Shakespeare;
that's Star Wars.

(English accent):
I know.

I find your lack of faith
disturbing.

Impressive.

Wait a minute.

This isn't
Republican headquarters.

Probably put the wrong app
on my phone.

Hello, Mike.

Hey, there.
Heard about the new job offer.

Pretty exciting news.

Thanks. Yeah, it was actually
pretty gratifying.

And you know what?
I owe it all to my mentor.

Right. Dave Elliot.

Perfect guy for the job.

-No. You're always
gonna be my mentor. -Hmm.

No, but it was cool.

Dave said, uh, "I really like
what you're doing,

and I want you on my team."

(laughs) Something you never
heard in high school.

I accept that men
of Mike's generation

display affection
through mockery.

I will not be hurt
by his ridicule.

Hey, you know what I like
about you?

You're a man
who knows who he is.

Wow. Thank you.

It's actually
rather annoying. Um...

Do you recall
Boyd's 12th birthday party?

You were the only one

that wouldn't wear
one of those silly hats.

Look, I am not gonna wear
something that both mocks

and appropriates
the traditional bashlyk hat

of the Turkic peoples.

And who would, right?

You're a nonconformist.

Uh, annoyingly nonconformist.

Okay, is there a point
to all this?

'Cause your affection is
really starting

to hurt my self-esteem.

Do you know what corporations
don't like

about nonconformists?

Is that they're nonconformist.

You know what they do
with nonconformists?

They make them conform.

Yeah, I know.

Let me put it this way.

I think taking this job
is a really bad idea.

I disagree.

(scoffs)
Okay.

Let's say I'm your mentor.

As your mentor, I'm telling you

don't take the job, don't do it.

No.

What do you mean "no"?

-What-what's going on here?
-Okay, look.

During the pandemic, I saw
people lose everything they had.

Hardworking small businessmen
like me just...

wiped out.

I am not gonna let that
happen to my family.

-You have never done better.
-Yeah, sure.

Now. But I think what
the pandemic showed us is

we can't count on anything.

This is about security
for your family.

I respect that.
Damn it.

You're gonna have to tell Kris.

I did. I couldn't convince her.

Why not?
You convinced me.

I have no idea.
She wouldn't say.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

When they don't say...

BOTH:
It's really bad.

-Hey, love.
-Hey.

Let me ask you a question.

When you're unhappy with me
but won't tell me why,

what are you really mad at?

Oh, dear God,
what have you done?

It's not about me.
This is about Ryan.

-Okay, what did "Ryan" do?
-(chuckles)

He told me that Kris is unhappy
about his new job

but she won't tell him why.

(groans)

Well, if she won't tell him,
must be...

BOTH:
Really bad.

Why don't you talk to her?

Oh, no. I don't know.
I don't know.

Look, i-if this is
something that Kris

isn't even comfortable
sharing with her husband,

then-then maybe
we should respect that.

I'll go halfway with you.

I'll respect it,
you talk to her.

(laughs): You know... you know
when I'm upset with you

and I won't tell you why?

It's usually because you're
trying to manipulate me. Uh-huh.

How would I manipulate
a loving mother

who only cares about her family

and wouldn't even sleep at night
unless her children were...

Oh, damn it, you know,

you are an evil, evil man.

You are a wonderful woman.

All right, stop.
You got what you wanted.

Get out. Go.
Just get out. Go.

-Out, out! Get out.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I haven't heard from Kyle
this morning.

You think he opened the file?

Well, let me take a look.

(singing fanfare)

Oh, my goodness!
(laughs)

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got to make sure

the security cameras
are getting all this.

Kind gentlemen and gentlewomen,
gather round.

We present for ye a merry play.

-Ooh...
-This is incredible. Incredible.

Having Shakespeare performed
at the office

is on my bucket list.

Yes, you have always
talked about that.

Then so be it.
We present for ye

the tale of Romeo and Juliet,

star-crossed lovers
who die at...

Pretend you didn't hear that.

Uh, but don't get
too attached to them.

-(Chuck chortles)
-Look at that. Look at that.

O Romeo, Romeo!
Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father
and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not,
be but sworn my love.

I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Shall I hear more,
or shall I speak at this?

'Tis but thy name
that is my enemy. Ah!

Why doth tuggeth
at thy dress, milady?

Uh, 'tis itchy,
and it haveth B.O.

Kyle, where did you get this?

Well, I got it
from my friend Josh.

He works at Medieval Buffet.

The, uh... the girl who sells

turkey legs from a horse
wears it.

What?! Ew.

That's what I'm smelling?
I am not wearing this.

No, no, no, no, just wear it
until after the death scene.

I mean-- Dang it!

I hate this, I hate this,
I hate this.

All right, just so you
understand, this last part

was not written by Shakespeare.

In his version,
she likes her dress.

Hers wasn't covered
in turkey juice.

Just wear it for
a little bit longer.

-You look beautiful.
-Why don't you try it on?

I would love to see
how you feel in it.

Okay, that's enough.
Enough, enough, enough.

-That's okay. Please.
-What do you mean?

This really wasn't
on my bucket list.

This is just a prank.

Yeah, I put that file
on your computer

-after I found out
you guys were snooping. -Yes.

(laughs):
That's really funny.

I might have scabies!

I'm-I'm really sorry,
Mr. Alzate.

We thought we were supporting
someone we care about.

Our deepest apologies.

(speaking Mandarin)

Wow, you are really good
at that.

Yeah, it's a surprisingly
easy language to learn.

It's just a series of pictures
that mean phrases

that then turn into words
that you memorize and draw.

I'll tell you, I-I was
a little irritated at first,

but I'm really touched
about how much trouble

you went through
to do this for me.

Aw, it wasn't any trouble.

No trouble?
This dress is alive!

(knock on door)

-Mom. Hi.
-Hey. Hey.

I wasn't expecting you.

Uh, now that you're here, uh,

would you mind staying
with the baby

so I can go to a bar
and get drunk?

Oh, come on, honey,
you don't want to do that.

Look. I brought wine.

Aha, your, uh,
conversation starter kit.

Yeah. I want to talk about
Ryan's new job.

Yeah, well, I don't,
so we're not.

-Well, I do, so we are.
-Mom, no.

I really-- I don't feel
like talking about it.

Well, I'm not leaving
until we do, so...

Mom, I don't want
to talk about it,

'cause you're gonna think
I'm a terrible person.

Honey, I am your mother.

I have seen you
in good situations and bad,

and I can say that I have never
and will never think

that you are a terrible person.

Fine.

I don't want Ryan
to take the corporate job

because...

You're afraid
he's gonna hate it.

No.

I'm afraid he's gonna love it.

Go on.

I'm afraid he's gonna love it

and he's gonna love it so much
that he changes.

And-and I don't know
who he's gonna change into.

Wh-What if we grow apart?
What-what if...

What if we're not
good enough for him anymore?

Wh-What if I'm not enough?

(chuckles)
Terrible person, right?

(sighs)

Well, if... if you're
a terrible person,

then so am I.

Go on.

When, uh, when I was younger,

I fell in love with a hippie

who was knocking on doors
for McGovern.

Then he died and you met Dad?

(laughs):
Kind of. Yeah.

Yeah, and after
we got married and-and had kids,

uh, your father's priorities
changed.

And that scared you?

Yeah. Yeah.

Whenever somebody
you love changes,

it's, uh, it's scary.

I, uh... I didn't know who
your father was gonna become.

How did you deal with that?

I talked to him.

How am I supposed to have
that conversation?

I mean, Ryan is
doing this for us.

How am I gonna make it about me?

But, honey, no, no, no, no.

It is about you.

It's about you
and it's about him

and it's about your family.

And the only way
you can get through that

is you guys have to talk.

You have to.

(quiet laugh)

You're right. You're right.

I love you.

Oh.

Really, Mom, one bottle?

(laughs)

Well, now that
the swelling has gone down...

(clears throat)

...you have to admit,
it was a really great prank, Ed.

-You really got us.
-Well, it was still appreciated.

No easy task to tackle
Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah, it was so hard.

Can you imagine if Shakespeare
had been written in English?

I'll tell you what,

it is itchy in any language.

Well, it is English, Kyle.

-It's written in verse.
-Hmm?

But what do I know?

I'm just a Marine.

It's all I can do to remember

the Pledge of Allegiance,
you know?

On that, I bid you all adieu.

Okay, I'm not sure
what that means,

but if you're leaving,
we're right behind you.

Yeah, you guys go ahead.
I'll lock up.

-I got this.
-Good night.

Good night.

(exhales)

(chuckles)
"Alas, poor Yorick."

(laughs)

"I knew him, Horatio.

"A fellow of infinite jest,
of most excellent fancy.

"He hath borne me on his back
a thousand times.

"Here hung those lips that
I kissed I know not how oft.

"Where be your gibes now?

"Your gambols? Your songs?

Your flashes of merriment
that were wont to set the--"

Hey! Hey.

Just 'cause I'm a Marine
doesn't mean,

uh, we didn't have a talent
show every once in a while.

-You know?
-Yeah!

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(chicken clucks)

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