Original subtitles

[ laughing ]

Hello there.

Say, I'm glad to see you,

because the folks who operate this theater

have asked me to extend to you

the heartiest of Season's Greetings.

That includes best wishes for a very prosperous

and a Happy New Year.

♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas ♪

♪ Lean your ear this way ♪

♪ Don't you tell a single soul ♪

♪ What I'm gonna say

♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon ♪

♪ Now, my dear old man

♪ Whisper what you'll bring to me ♪

♪ Tell me if you can

♪ When the clock is striking 12:00 ♪

♪ When I'm fast asleep

♪ Down the chimney, broad and black ♪

♪ With your pack you'll creep ♪

♪ All the stockings you will find ♪

♪ Hanging in a row

♪ Mine will be the shortest one ♪

♪ You'll be sure to know ♪

♪ Johnny wants a pair of skates ♪

♪ Suzy wants a sled

♪ Nellie wants a picture book ♪

♪ Yellow, blue, and red ♪

♪ Now I think I'll leave to you ♪

♪ What to give the rest

♪ Choose for me, oh, dear Santa Claus ♪

♪ You will know the

♪ You will know the...

♪ The best, oh, Santa Claus ♪

♪ You will know the best. ♪

- How much? - I need 900.

Oh, Jesus.

You know I wouldn't ask if--

I'm good for 50, but 900 bucks?

I got the big problem.

- Susan... - I know. I know.

I know. I screwed up.

It's not like it's the first time, huh?

We were using protection, I swear it.

Stop.

- What? - Don't lie to me.

There wasn't a hole in the diaphragm.

The condom didn't come off.

It wasn't a miracle. You just didn't bother.

- It's Jimmy? - Of course it's Jimmy.

Have him pay for it, then.

He doesn't have it. It's you, Ray.

- Can't ask Mom and Dad. - No.

Woman: Ordering.

Ray.

[ sighs ] Go to a clinic, a free one.

I'm tired of bailing you out.

- I can't. - No, you don't want to.

I can't have another, not like that.

Last time they told me I'm lucky even now I can have kids.

There's a doctor on the East Side.

He gives you a couple of prescription drugs.

They've been approved for high blood pressure or something.

It's like that French thing.

You just miscarry.

They're not in there ripping you up.

Shit.

You know I'm sorry, Ray.

Come on.

I just went Christmas shopping, paid the rent.

It's gonna take a while.

I don't have a while. I put off asking--

Don't push it, all right?

- Woman: Ray! - Place has been dead.

900's like a month of tips.

I'm in my seventh week.

It's gotta be done before eight.

- My appointment's tomorrow. - Change it.

He's booked. I got in on a cancellation--

I don't have $900, nowhere near it.

Ordering!

Okay!

Come on. You've loaned money to every waiter in this town.

Yeah, I'm a sucker.

Collect some. Please.

If I can get it, I'll bring it to your place.

Thank you.

Tell Jimmy not to be there,

'cause when I see him,

I'm gonna beat his fucking head in.

♪ Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle ♪

♪ Jingle, jingle

♪ Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle ♪

♪ Jingle, jingle

♪ Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle ♪

♪ Jingle, jingle

♪ Jingle...

Hey, Fatty, look who's here.

Why, it's the devil himself.

It's Jimmy. You got my message.

Yeah. You got my number, Fatty.

You didn't have to call my agent.

Well, I thought maybe your machine was broke.

I left messages you never returned.

Actors.

They always call their agents.

It's like the sun coming up.

It's my career, Fatty.

It's a good thing he thought it was funny. If he didn't--

What? He'd have been upset?

Sit down.

You know, I'd serve you,

but your credit's no good.

Well... hey.

100 bucks.

You know, that's really not what I wanted to hear.

I'm getting the rest.

Jimmy, I've been so nice to you.

I know.

I tried to discourage you.

I asked you point-blank

if you could afford to lose,

and you lied to me.

You bet more than you had on the Irish.

Now, if it had been another team,

I'd have collected by now.

But I carried you for five weeks

because you believed in Notre Dame, and I respect that.

But you lost.

And 500 has become a grand.

And you only bring me a hundred?

I'm getting the rest.

Ow! Ow! What are you doing?

Everyone's always "getting the rest."

You're 900 short.

My girlfriend's getting it from her brother.

Oh, that's nice.

- Yeah. - When do I get it?

Tomorrow.

Come on, Fatty.

Ow.

Tonight, Jimmy.

And the next time I don't bother

taking the whiskey out of the bottle.

Okay. Okay. Take it easy.

I'll go see my girlfriend.

You do that... now.

How about it, Minor?

You see that he's taking care of this,

and I'll wipe out your tab.

You're the man, Fatty.

90? Damn it.

Looks like it might snow.

It'll probably just rain.

Ray, your sister--

I'm sorry. I couldn't help overhearing.

- Yeah. - Well, I was listening.

You have that 20 you owe me?

Which 20?

Twice you lent me for the cab fare,

and then there was the time when we all went out to that club.

Any or all would be nice.

I just paid the rent.

- Thanks, Ray. - See you, man.

Can you get it from your guy?

My "guy" Simon

just moved to San Francisco with his new girlfriend.

So, uh, no.

Sorry.

He owed you 40.

But I can give you advice.

Yeah?

Sometimes a whisper is louder than a shout.

What does that have to do with this?

Nothing. I just thought

the "neither a lender or a borrower be" one was a bit obvious.

Thank you.

Anytime.

- Three more Amstels. - I gotta go.

You have that 50 you owe me?

I thought that was sort of a gift.

Why would I give you money?

Because you love me.

Right. Take over the bar.

Cindy can have your section.

- You got it. - I gotta go.

Are you going out to collect?

I got no choice.

- Well, I should come with you. - Why?

Because you'll be going to a lot of bars,

no one will have the money,

they'll all feel very guilty,

so they'll be buying you free drinks.

And if I'm with you...

I see.

Thank you.

You want a hanky?

No, I'm fine.

Like a drowned rat. Take it.

You want to look pretty when you beg your old lady for the cash.

I'm not gonna have to beg. She's getting it.

Good. I don't want to have to babysit you all night.

What? Fatty thinks I need an escort?

Go tell him to mop his sweat.

You go tell him.

Good decision.

He didn't seem like he was in a chatty mood.

Let's go get it.

I lost on the Irish that week, too.

50 fucking bucks. [ whistles ]

I can't believe she's got me calling in debts for this.

I'm pro-choice, I am, but I don't like it.

Well, it's not likeable,

it's just sometimes necessary.

Well, if it was me, I'd choose to have it.

You know what? It probably won't come up.

Fine. Forget it.

No, I just mean it's easy to think you have it

when that can't possibly happen.

- You know, that pisses me off. - Why?

Like women shouldn't have been able

to take a stand on Vietnam

because they couldn't be drafted?

That's a bit of a jump.

Do I know what I'd do? No.

Do I know what I'd think I'd do? Yeah.

I had a stepbrother that went to 'Nam.

Afterwards, all these girls would tell him

how they would have gone to Canada.

Would they have? Maybe.

But believe me, if it came up at a party,

nobody was telling them they didn't have a right to an opinion.

Let's try in here.

- There is a flaw in your logic. - Oh, really?

Yeah. And I need a drink before I find it.

- This is it. - Great.

You can't come up with me.

- Sure, I can. - No, you can wait here.

She's never gonna give it to me

if someone like you is there.

Why? She doesn't like a face with character?

I didn't exactly tell her it was a gambling thing.

Debt. It's a gambling debt.

Yeah. Well, I told her it was for my sister.

Why would she ask her brother for 900 for your sister?

I told her it was a "woman thing."

What is it with you and this "thing" thing?

What did you tell her?

An abortion.

I told her my sister Maggie needs an abortion.

You really stink.

Hey, I know it stinks, but I'm fucked.

If I don't pay, you guys are gonna stomp me.

Just get the fucking money.

Hey, I'll get the money. Chill.

Hey, pagliacci, get the fucking money.

Jeez, Elena, I thought your father was taking 'em.

He's a louse, Minor. He's back at Rikers.

And I gotta work on Saturday.

They're kids.

I promised them the circus.

Okay, okay.

You let me borrow Ricky for a few hours,

I'll do the circus.

An errand. I just need him for an errand, okay?

What kind of errand? You know it's a school night.

I know it's a school night, honey.

Just put Ricky on, okay, please, sweetie?

Okay.

It's Minor, for you.

Hey, Minor, what's up?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I gotcha.

Gotcha.

We'll be walking up 10th Avenue.

Get my gun from under the mattress.

Take the bullets out.

You're just waving it around, making it look good.

And don't forget, you have to take my money, too.

- You're a mugger. - Oh, yeah.

And keep three bills.

Hey, that's a hundred more than it's worth.

I'm giving you a good cut 'cause I love your mom.

All right. See you in 20.

Does he owe you?

Yeah.

You've got to ask, Ray.

No one's gonna volunteer.

It's embarrassing.

Okay.

A coke for old Stingray. And for...

April.

For April, an Absolut martini, up,

very dry, one olive.

Mmm.

It's perfect.

Listen... what's your name?

- Cliff. - Cliff.

It happens to be my birthday.

- Oh. - Yeah.

And old Stingray here

is just a little bit short.

So I was wondering if you had the money that you owe him.

I owe you money?

There was that hockey game.

Oh. Right.

Well, jeez, I...

I just went and bought a tree, some lights, and some tinsel.

I can give you, like, 20?

That's great.

Sorry I forgot. I'll pay you the rest soon.

It's okay.

These drinks are on me.

Mmm. Thanks.

- Happy Birthday. - Cheers.

Is it really your birthday?

Yeah, right.

Well, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

I hate being small about money.

Well, learn.

Really.

Jimmy: I can't believe you don't have the cash.

He's gotta collect it.

Waiters are deadbeats, honey! Come on!

He's never gonna get it.

This is fucked.

Hey, who's doing who the favor?

Yeah, I know, I know.

It's your stupid sister who got herself knocked up.

Hey, I'm sorry, it's just I really got to get it to her tonight.

I thought you said it was tomorrow.

Yeah, it's at 9:00 a.m.

Ray's gonna bring it by here tonight,

and you don't wanna be here when he shows up.

Why not?

Because I told him it was me.

"It was me" what?

That I was pregnant.

You told him you--?

What? What'd you tell him that for?

I couldn't very well tell him it was for Maggie.

Since she dumped him, she's not really high on his list.

Oh, man.

Shit, she's not even high on mine,

but it's moments like this we have to help out anyway.

Ray's gonna fucking kill me.

When I see him, I'm gonna beat his fucking head in.

Hey, I'm the one who's taking the heat.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have--

I mean...

you shouldn't have had to.

Come here. Come here, baby.

Come on. Hmm?

I'm gonna go find Ray. You stay.

I'll keep calling in case he shows, okay?

Yeah?

I gotta tell him it's for Maggie.

He's not gonna give it to you.

Well, I'm hoping he's so relieved that it's not you

that begging works.

He hates her.

Yeah, but...

he loves her.

[ door closes ]

Ricky, you're not getting money from my purse, are you?

No, Mom.

And after you help Minor,

you come straight home, you hear?

Right there and back, Mom.

Boom, boom.

April: Will you hurry up?

I'm not going in there.

She's already seen you. Don't give her the satisfaction.

- Shit! - Cool it.

It's time you put your dick on the chopping block.

Nice mouth.

Yeah, I'm working on being colorful.

Shit.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Laughing as we go

♪ Happy all the way

♪ 'Round the town we ride ♪

♪ Makes no difference where ♪

♪ With my baby by my side... ♪

If you want me to ask him to leave, I will.

No.

I don't care. Let him glower.

It's just-- it's weird.

He thought I was an angel, you know?

He'd actually say it.

I tried to convince him it was just the way I look,

you know, my hair.

The way it catches the light.

I told him I never got to be a wise man or a sheep or Mary,

I was always an angel,

and he'd keep saying it.

It got to be fucking annoying.

Tell you what,

you let me buy you dessert,

I'll let you be a wise man.

Deal.

27, 28, 29, 30.

Sorry it's all in singles.

It's okay. I'm sorry to ask for it.

Hey, I borrowed it. Forget it.

So, what are you drinking?

It's on me.

Thanks. Just a coke.

Stoli crystal martini, up, very dry,

one olive, thank you.

Okay.

You're really gonna push it, aren't you?

Yep. Top shelf, all the way.

So, who else owes you in here?

Except for Maggie, that's it.

I don't even want to ask.

600.

- 600? - She was short on rent.

Yeah, but long on balls...

which obviously isn't what the two of you had in common.

What?

She hangs out here?

She's doing the owner.

Her name's Maggie, but you don't wanna know.

She's a real maneater.

Oh, he was already ate.

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh... ♪

Could I have some rum in this, please?

Sure.

[ silent ]

♪ Dashing through the snow... ♪

Uh...

You got any cigarettes back there?

The whole pack, yeah. Thanks.

Heroin?

I'm not happy.

Relax. I just gotta find Ray.

He'll give me the money.

For an ex-girlfriend's abortion?

I don't think so.

Hey, I got no choice. [ spits ]

He thinks I got Susan pregnant,

he's gonna kick my ass.

He's not really gonna mess up his sister's boyfriend.

But Fatty, he'll be setting an example.

He'll want it to show.

Forgive me for keeping your butt off a barstool

a little longer than usual,

but I'm trying to work this so no one beats me up.

It's just the way I am.

Excuse me, you got the time?

- No! - We don't have it.

- I got a gun! - Shit!

Give me your money, now!

I-I don't have any.

- Come on, man! - He doesn't!

Shut up!

Just give me your wallets.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Here.

Fucking bury you both.

We don't want any trouble. There's not much there.

Here. Just take it.

Come on, man! Where is it?

Take off your shoes.

That's all there is.

You caught us at a bad time.

- Really? - That's it!

Shit! Fucking weak!

Better luck next time!

Punks.

Did you see that gun?

- First time, huh? - Yeah.

Get used to it, kid.

It's bound to happen again.

Hey. You can smoke at the bar, you know.

I made a rule about smoking inside.

Sort of a step towards quitting.

Oh, yeah? Is it working?

No, but I'm spending a lot more time outdoors.

Great.

You know, I have this fantasy.

Oh, yeah?

If I quit, I'll outlive her.

And years and years...

and years and years and years from now,

I'll go to her funeral.

It'll be raining,

and I'll be the only person there.

'Cause you were the only one who really loved her.

Well, you see, in my version,

Simon isn't really dead, okay?

And he's inside his coffin,

and he's calling out my name like this,

going, "April! April!"

But the old, deaf gravedigger can't hear him,

and he's just shoveling on the dirt.

- [ chuckles ] - Nice twist.

Thanks.

You know, you're kinda fun.

Yeah?

I didn't really know that.

Well, I don't really have much choice.

Yeah? Why?

I'm a drunk.

So I can either be mean, pathetic...

or fun.

[ singing softly ]

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna go back in.

I'm gonna smoke another one.

Fine.

Look...

look, Mom, it's just gonna take

a little longer than we thought, okay?

Mom.

Mom, listen-- Mom, I've called you.

I've told you that I'm gonna be late.

There's nothing else I can do. I'm sorry.

Mom, I gotta go, okay?

Bye. Bye.

I'm telling you, Sherry,

if Minor is up to something,

you can bet that Fatty is, too,

and Minor is definitely up to something,

because he knows keeping Ricky out on a school night

is gonna give him a hard time with me,

and Minor hates a hard time as much as anyone.

And you know, Sherry,

that I can give a hard time with the best.

So keeping Ricky out,

he's got something cooking,

and that means Fatty's right there, Sher.

Right there in the kitchen with him.

Come on, girls.

Uh-uh. Uh-huh.

Well, I gotta get Selena to look after the twins.

Yeah.

20 minutes?

You're a real stand-up, Sherry.

Okay. Okay. Bye.

Okay, muchachas,

I'm gonna leave you with Selena, okay?

Yay!

But I'm telling her no cable movies.

Both: Mom!

Don't "Mom" me.

Come on, come on. Let's get a move on.

Is Ricky gonna get in trouble?

Oh, yeah.

But it's nothing compared to what Minor's gonna get.

Come on, let's go.

Minor: I never have woman trouble.

- Jimmy: Really? - Because I know women.

- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.

And knowing that, I know you know nothing.

Hey, I know a few things.

There's only one thing you need to know.

- What? - Never lie to them. That's a sucker's game.

First you got to remember what you said,

and they got a much better memory.

And second, it's the one thing they don't forgive.

And if they do forgive, they don't forget,

and once you lie to them once,

everything you say you've got to say about 50 times

before they vaguely believe you.

And that's so tedious, you break up.

Jimmy: She's forgiven me before.

You didn't tell a fib.

You told her that your sister needs an abortion.

You're already totally fucked.

Just give Fatty his money and pack your bags.

Hey, maybe you're just a bad liar.

I mean, I'm an actor. I lie for a living...

you know, sort of.

How much money have you made acting?

That's not funny.

Just asking.

Maybe I should try L.A.

I'm sure they're holding their breath.

♪ Hey, Santa Claus

♪ Hey, Santa Claus

♪ Hey, Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa Claus ♪

♪ Well, Santa Claus

♪ Bring my baby back

♪ My baby back to me

♪ Hey, Santa Claus

♪ Bring my baby back

♪ Bring my baby back to me ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas ♪

♪ Is my baby under the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Bring my baby back to me... ♪

Hey, honey. Hey, Elena.

Hey yourself, Fatty.

Whatcha got Minor doing?

Uh, he was in. He, uh...

he had some beers, that's all.

He left a while ago.

That's not what I asked you.

Well, I'm not Minor's keeper, honey.

Don't "honey" me.

When you asked to wed me, what did I say?

Come on.

What did I say?!

You said yes.

I said you're fat.

And a fat man don't get many chances with a good woman.

So, what I says goes.

Come on, Sherry, you're--

You're still fat! Hell, you're fatter.

So, house rules is simple.

Keep your big old nose clean.

I don't want no goombahs coming in here

and tossing you into the Hudson.

'Cause in no way am I gonna be responsible

for the ensuing tidal wave.

I told you, Minor left.

Don't mess with me, Fatty.

This isn't some domestic dispute.

Minor's got my kid with him.

And I'm like a mother lion. You get me?

I really don't know nothing about your kid. I'm sorry.

You hear something, I'll be home waiting.

- You call me. - You want company?

- Yeah, that'd be good. - Give me a bottle of "plonk."

You want red or white?

Are you kidding, Fatty? The white is piss.

I better not hear different about you knowing something, Fatty.

You won't.

If she does,

you're eating salad for a month.

Bye, honey.

[ laughing ]

Ha ha ha!

How much are you guys into me for?

Just this drink.

Like, nothing. Like, 50 bucks.

Jesus, Fatty. I got the 50.

Come on, give me what you got.

Relax, Cluck.

I'm not gonna beat you.

Looking up an address.

Man, Cluck, I thought you were gonna pee.

Me, too.

Sherry's not fooling around.

I want you guys to go here.

Find out where this guy Jimmy is.

Minor will be with him.

If you bring him back,

I'll wipe out your debt and give you 50.

What's the spread on B.C. - UMass?

14.

Put my 50 on that.

Now... here's how you work it.

[ murmuring ]

[ pounding on door ]

Hi. Is Jimmy home?

We're a couple of actor friends.

We heard about this great audition tomorrow.

I'm Phil.

I'm Clayton,

but people call me Cluck.

You advertise that?

What do you mean?

Forget it. Jimmy's not here.

Uh...

Sorry. Sorry.

We really need to find him.

Yeah, this audition tomorrow, it's big.

It's for Steven Spielberg.

Big, big.

He's looking for an unknown.

That's Jimmy.

Yeah.

So you see why we got to find him.

I think I read about this.

It's the sequel to "Schindler's List"?

That's it.

"They're back!

This time it's personal."

So if you could help us...

Sure.

[ beeps ]

Hi. This is Susan. If this is Jimmy,

a couple of nice young actors

stopped by looking for you.

And since something smells funny in the apartment,

I'm gonna go look with them.

If this is Ray, I'll meet you at the Hi-Life at closing.

Anyone else, leave a message.

[ beeps ]

All right, let's go.

Uh, you wanna come with us?

Two strangers?

I think you're safe.

How come?

You're adorable.

Cool.

[ silent ]

And he doesn't have the courage to ask you for it, you see?

So basically, that's the problem.

And I was hoping...

Excuse me. Hi. What are you doing?

I thought you might freeze to death.

That would be better than this.

Would you cut the drama, Ray?

She already told me about Susan.

I've got a couple hundred in my checking--

Forget it, whatever she said, okay?

You don't owe me anything.

600 smackers.

It's not your money, okay?

I forgive the debt.

No, I borrowed it, and--

- Forget it. - ...and I'm gonna pay you.

You left some CDs at my place.

I'm not giving them back. We're even.

That's not even.

How you doing? My name's Adrien.

That figures. We can leave now.

- Don't be an asshole. - Don't start.

Let me get us a round, huh?

I can make a few calls, maybe find some cash--

I really don't need your help. Thank you.

- Susan does. - She does.

Right, and she's my sister.

So when she has a problem, it's mine, not yours...

or yours.

♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪

♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪

♪ For Jesus Christ, our Savior... ♪

Guinness and cider, would you? Thanks.

It's my brother's problem, too.

Trust me, it's the least of his problems.

It seems she's trying to help.

I can handle this, all right?

I still got 50 fucking bars where people owe me money.

Apparently the fact that I've been a chump for the last 10 years

is gonna work out just fine for my stupid sister.

Whoa, cowboy, calm down.

Don't "whoa, cowboy" me.

[ singing stops ]

Let's, uh... let's get that round, eh?

- ♪ Comfort and joy - ♪ Comfort and joy

- ♪ Comfort and joy - ♪ Comfort and joy...

I'm drinking Stoli martinis, very dry.

Ray, what's your poison?

Oh, something Christmasy.

How about... hemlock?

Oh, you are such a...

You're right. I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.

I hate you, but it's not your fault.

Goodbye, everyone.

♪ Comfort

♪ And joy.

Thanks, Charlotte.

Be of good cheer.

Yeah. Fa-la-la.

Well, I-I better pass on that drink.

Um, I don't know how serious you two are,

but, um...

you've finished with him, haven't you?

I mean, there's no second thoughts?

Ray?

Yeah, I just don't want to put in the time

if you're gonna change your mind.

Have a little confidence.

If he likes you...

Yeah, but he'd still have you back.

I mean, 'cause when a guy breaks a girl's heart,

she never trusts him again.

But if she breaks his, he's hers for life

as a general rule.

Do you think that's true?

I don't think people break other people's hearts.

- No? - No.

I mean, it may dent it,

but you really only break your own.

That's why I'm not scared of you.

You better catch him. He's a fast walker.

Yeah, thanks. I'll go and get my coat.

Bye.

Ronny?

Yes, boss?

Give me 600 from the register, will you, please?

- No problem. - Thank you.

That's really sweet of you, but I can't.

It's a loan.

You pay your old boyfriend back,

and you owe your new one.

I've never paid anyone back.

Well, Ray will be the first.

She'll find him.

You angel, you.

[ murmurs ]

Cluck: Okay, so Schindler,

he's getting ready to jump off this bridge

because the guy from "Gandhi" didn't make this bank deposit.

And this angel comes along trying to earn his wings

and shows him what the town would be like if he'd never lived,

and it's really bad.

Jesus, Cluck.

What?

Like she's the one person who's not going to know

you're telling her "It's A Wonderful Life."

Well, if she didn't, she does now.

- I knew. - It doesn't matter.

You caught on we were faking

back at your place, didn't you?

Actors don't tell other actors about auditions.

Yeah, but you're still here.

I wanna know what's going on.

What do you guys need Jimmy for?

No, not Jimmy, the guy he's with.

This guy Minor.

When I saw him last, he was alone.

It's not our problem. We're just doing what Fatty told us.

Yeah, we're not paid to think.

What are you paid to do?

What, you mean, like our real jobs?

Yeah.

We're paramedics.

Really?

EMS. But we're off duty.

That's why we're drinking.

We wouldn't drink on duty.

Not even if we're just on call.

'Cause people's lives are in our hands.

It's a big responsibility.

[ belches ]

April: Oh, come on, Ebenezer.

I just thought it was too much money to pass up.

It wasn't your call to make, was it?

I know. I was out of line.

Yeah, well, you were.

You know I don't need my decisions being made for me

by some buttinski alcoholic.

Don't you fucking dare call me that!

You called yourself an alcoholic.

I said drunk, not alcoholic! I said drunk!

Have you ever been to an AA meeting?

- No, I try to avoid them. - Well, I have. Once.

There's all these people declaring about their lives, right?

They've all lost jobs, they've wrecked cars, shot people.

- Is there a point? - Yes!

I mean, their bottom was a hell of a lot lower than my

"Oh, I have a hangover more mornings than I'd like to" bottom!

I don't drink in the daytime.

I don't sneak nips from the vanilla extract.

Alcoholism is a disease.

- I've heard that. - Yes.

And what I have is a plain, old-fashioned,

self-destructive streak.

- You call it what you like. - I'm calling it what it is.

And is the irony of a bartender

lecturing on the evils of alcohol completely lost on you?

It's sort of like a man being pro-life.

I am not pro-life.

Well, you won't swallow a little pride to help your sister.

This is not about me.

This is about you going up to a woman who broke my heart

and asking her for the money that she owes me.

Me, not you! My money!

This is about you making me look like dirt.

Oh, sorry. I thought this was about

[ yelling ] your sister needing an abortion!

Okay. Great.

Okay. I'm going in here now

to collect some money.

And then I'm gonna go to a dozen other places

where I'd rather not see you.

So why don't you take your neverending thirst

back to Amsterdam's, all right?

Cliff thinks it's your birthday.

Maybe you'll get a few more free cocktails out of him.

- Thank you. - Good.

- That's a lovely idea. - Good.

Asshole!

You know...

I've been in a bit of a rut just going to Fatty's.

There's more to life, eh?

I'm so glad I'm opening you up

to a whole new world of Irish bars.

Tell Ray I'll be at Hi-Life at closing.

Hey!

Why, if it isn't my brother, the sperminator.

Oh, man! How'd you hear?

Ray's out collecting old debts to help Susan.

I'm looking for him.

Oh, and he's also planning on beating your face in.

Oh-hh.

Listen, when you see Susan,

don't mention this whole situation, okay?

Why?

It's just that she looks up to you.

I think it would really bother her

you knowing that we screwed up.

She looks up to me?

Yeah, sure. Your...

your fashion sense.

What's going on, Jimmy?

Just do me this favor, please?

I've already done that "you owe me for life" favor.

Sis, you are beautiful! You got the money.

Mm-hmm. Six whole Ben Franks.

Ray's getting the rest.

Great.

What makes you think I'll give it to you?

I don't know. It is for Susan.

I just thought I'd save you the trip down to Chelsea.

I'm not going to Chelsea. I'm gonna pay back Ray.

What's the dif?

Ray's gonna give it to his sister anyway.

Who are you?

I don't mean anything. It's just that you seem

like you've been through a lot of trouble,

and now the kid's trying to be helpful.

Yeah.

Your help I don't need. Yours either.

Hey, I'm not a part of this.

- I don't need your attitude. - What?

Just watch your tone, that's all I'm saying.

Why don't you just butt the fuck out?

See you at Christmas.

Sweet girl.

Man, do you think she's gonna tell my parents about the abortion thing?

How would I know?

That "See you at Christmas" sounded like a threat.

Absolutely. If she'd added "Happy New Year,"

I'd be leaving the country. Come on.

[ whistling ]

Hey!

Hey! Ray!

Hey. Kristy.

Hi yourself, stranger. What are you doing?

Just out walking.

Well, come inside. We closed early.

We're doing staff Christmas--

Oh, boy.

Frankie's getting us loaded on fine wine.

I don't want to crash.

- Pshaw. - Pshaw?

You know you're welcome.

Jesus. You're like the son she never had.

I'm out calling in some old debts. I'm...

Come in, Ray.

Where are you gonna find more people who owe you than here?

It'd be like an early present for Frankie.

Come on.

Do you know about your hat?

The design or the tilt?

Swirl. Check the legs.

Very good. Very good.

Now, waft.

Waft. Savor the bouquet.

Mmm. Any impressions?

Cherry?

Put it in wine talk.

"Subtle cherry overtones"?

Ah! Very good. Very good.

Now sip.

Let it float on the palate.

All right.

Henry, you're dribbling.

Sorry.

Concentrate, everyone.

Oh! The prodigal grump returns.

Hello, Frankie.

- "Hello, Frankie"! - What's up, Ray?

Hellos I get all day. I need a hug!

Ah!

Can we, um, spit yet?

Oh, don't be such a good girl.

It's the holidays. Swallow.

How you doing, handsome?

- [ mumbles ] - That good, huh?

Let's retire to table four.

Uh, I should really--

No, you really should resign yourself

to the fact that they just placed

an outstanding Cabernet

and a sympathetic ear in your path.

Hmm? Come on.

Now, you really should borrow the money from me.

I know-- I know you won't.

So, what else?

You really are a nosy parker.

Oh, good try. Come on, spill.

Nothing. I just...

This girl, she tried to help me, I yelled at her.

It really was none of her business, but she's...

British.

And?

Maybe they have different rules for that kind of thing.

I'm sure they do.

[ gargling ]

Go on. Go on.

Well, I was letting her help me collect--

well, she...

I was glad she was helping me.

She was the only...

And then... I don't know.

She went too far.

I made a little scene in the restaurant.

Another one out on the street.

My, my. How were the scenes?

Lots of arm waving, shouting?

- Yeah. - Was wine tossed?

- No. - Good.

I appreciate the drama, but I abhor the waste.

Why, that's not too bad.

You were well within the limits of a...

of a lover's spat.

She's not my lover.

Well, she's obviously your something.

I know you.

You're not given to arm waving in public.

She's a customer.

So we're friendly.

She's in a lot. She drinks a lot,

but she leaves before she gets sloppy, so we're all right.

Oh. Does she get sloppy?

I don't know.

She can drink a lot.

Double espresso, please.

Here or to go?

- Um, to go. - Okay.

Do you have a ladies' room?

Yeah, it's unisex. It's in back.

Fine.

[ sighs ]

Frankie: Oh, I see people in love in here all the time.

They either rush through their meals

so they can get back home and get into the sack again,

or else they linger over it, and it gets cold,

and they tie up the table all night.

But still...

still I love love!

Okay. Enough with the love.

So you ready for some more wisdom?

Well, you're full of it.

C'est vrai!

Which is French for "that's true."

You know, it also sounds curiously enough like

"Save Ray,"

which is one of my missions in life,

so here goes.

Surprise yourself.

Don't be too certain you know what the truth is.

What does that mean?

Well, you're a decider

about people, about situations,

about your own feelings.

Keep yourself open to the fact that sometimes--

sometimes you might be wrong.

Okay, that's 20 from Henry.

40 from Cybil.

Hey, hey, thanks.

Oh, look! Look! How Dickensian!

Uh, they're carolers.

Oh! I haven't caroled in days!

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel... ♪

- See you later. - Just remember,

I'm always here for you, dear heart.

That's the truth I know.

Hey. See you later.

♪ See the blazing Yule before us ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Strike the harp and join the chorus... ♪

First, when we get the money,

you're gonna have to stick with the story

you're girlfriend's pregnant.

I told you, Ray will kill me.

Yeah, but how are you gonna tell him the money's for Maggie

when she's the one who gave it to him?

- Jimmy: Shit. - You're welcome.

Give me your fucking money!

You?

What do you mean no?

How many times do I got to fucking rob you, man?

I got school tomorrow.

What the fuck is this?

Some kind of retard mugger.

Oh, I'm a retard? Oh, okay.

Listen, why don't you just do it yourself?

Hey! Put your fucking hands up!

Come on! Both of you!

[ spits ] Hands up!

There's no bullets, Jimmy.

You were setting me up?

It was easy money.

I would have backed your mugging story,

and Fatty would have given you another week.

Oh, like I can come up with another 900 bucks.

Yeah, you've been taking long enough coming up with this one.

Shut up!

There's no bullets.

You're pointing a paperweight, Jimmy.

- Stay back. - Hey, no harm, no foul.

Just give me the gun. We'll go find Ray.

Stay the fuck back!

Jimmy, you're wasting precious-- ow!

Aah!

Minor--!

I told you to take out the fucking bullets!

I did.

[ yelling ] Well, you didn't do a very good job!

Uh-hh!

My face. It's bleeding.

I got two auditions next week.

Hey, asshole. You just shot me.

- I told you to stop. - I know.

I just don't want to hear about your fucking acting career!

Guys, this is ill. I'm going home.

Go to Amsterdam. Get us a cab.

Yeah, I'll send one down.

Don't send one, bring one.

No one's gonna stop for two bleeding guys.

Come on, Minor. Mom's probably already having a cow.

Just get the fucking cab.

I'm sorry about that.

I should have known Dumbo

would forget to check the chamber.

- Hey, are you okay? - Ricky: Taxi!

You're not gonna die or something?

No.

You can add to your list a false, rotten, fucking shot.

Oh, jeez, the kid gets a gypsy cab.

Elena: I got to admit,

it's kinda nice to have a night off from the kids.

Why do you call him Fatty,

you know, instead of Arthur?

Have you looked at the man?

[ laughs ] No, really.

I don't know.

Why do you call him Minor?

Because he won't marry me.

When he marries me, I'll give him the respect

of using his first name.

Mm. Taking the hard line.

I don't know if I'd want to be calling my husband Fatty,

even if everybody else does.

To tell you the truth,

I have problems with my soft "Rs."

You know-- "Awh-thuh."

Oh. I see.

Yeah.

You want to marry Minor, don't you?

Yeah.

I got my first one annulled,

you know, so I can still get married without going to hell.

Get out.

I had to run, like, a thousand bake sales

before Father Ortiz would help me get that one cancelled.

Wow. You've been working.

I love him.

And he's real good with the kids.

So were you born a fuck-up,

or did your mother raise you that way?

Cab driver: Come on, man, where to?

St. Luke's.

You got a meter?

No, man.

Five bucks.

No way, man.

Eight. And that's a bargain.

This is why I hate fucking gypsy cabs.

I make this trip three or four times a week.

It's always five bucks.

- Bullshit. - Every time.

And are you bleeding every time?

Who do you think has got to clean up back there?

Yeah, like this has been cleaned in your lifetime.

We'll pay the eight. We'll pay the eight.

I ain't getting fucking ripped off.

Give me my wallet.

- I tossed it. - What?

Don't freak, man.

I got your cash and your cards.

What'd you toss my wallet for?

I was mugging you. You said make it look real.

Who was watching?

Who was watching you, you were making it real for?

I was just doing what you told me.

That was lambskin.

- You got my stuff? - You didn't have anything.

How can you live without credit cards?

My bank card. My SAG card.

Forget it.

We've got to get our stories straight.

Nobody keeps their wallets.

Since I'm shot, the doctor will bring in the police.

So we were mugged,

and the punk was wearing a ski mask, you got that?

"He was wearing a ski mask, Officer."

This way, we don't have to look at mug shots.

We'll be patched up and be right back on the street.

There was a struggle.

The punk hit you, shot me and ran.

Now give Dillinger there the gun.

Oh, I tossed it in those trash cans.

What?

You know, ditching the weapon.

Shit. You two have absolutely no knack for this, do you?

Pull over a sec.

Minor: You're gonna have to go back and get the gun.

- Ricky: Why? - It's registered in my name.

I'm not supposed to leave it in alleys.

Yeah, but why me? He left it.

'Cause you're the only one who's not bleeding, all right?

Now, make sure nobody's around,

then take it back home.

No way. Mom's gonna be hugging me and yelling,

and she'll find it.

Where's this guy Ray work?

Hi-Life. 83rd and Amsterdam.

We'll meet you at the Hi-Life, soon as possible.

83rd and Amsterdam.

Mom's gonna kill us both.

His mama got the right idea.

Do you want a tip or not?

[ tires screech ]

[ sighs ]

- Man. - What?

I just can't believe I shot someone.

Tell me about it.

It's not something that I ever thought I'd do,

you know, except on TV or something.

Yeah, well, try not to do it again.

This is gonna make an excellent sense-memory kind of thing.

Look who's Harvey Keitel. Ha ha.

[ chuckles ] All right.

Merry Christmas!

Hi.

Are Teddy or Naomi working tonight?

No, but Teddy said he'd be stopping by

to pick up his paycheck.

Oh, perfect. I'll wait around.

What'll you have?

Whatever Santa's having.

- Hi. - Hi.

So how's the Santa business?

It's not bad...

except for the fucking kids.

Really?

The greed level you wouldn't believe.

They all think Santa's a soft touch.

You suggest a game, they want a computer.

You suggest a doll, they want a pony.

That's the world, huh?

And then you get your beard-tuggers,

your pants-wetters and your crybabies.

I'm telling you, at the end of the day,

I'm proud to be a Jew.

You're terrible.

- Are you anti-Semitic? - No.

You come sit on Santa's lap.

Forget it.

Bah, humbug.

How about another one for me and my 12 tiny reindeer?

- Sure. Another? - Yeah, please.

I'm Ray. What's your name?

- Maggie. - What?

Maggie.

Make it a double.

[ woman moaning ]

Oops.

Excuse me.

Who was that?

Nobody, baby.

Come on, touch it just a little bit?

No.

More kissing.

Yeah, cab drivers get a lot more press,

but, uh, I delivered four babies.

Really? Four?

Uh-huh. Three boys and a girl.

Barkeep said your brother was here earlier,

but nobody matching Jimmy or Minor's description.

Good.

Jimmy knows this is one of Ray's haunts.

He'll get here eventually.

Phil was sharing some of his war stories.

What war?

Our jobs. It's an expression.

Cool.

I pulled a three-prong plug

out of a guy's trachea once.

It was on a juicer.

Yeah. The guy was trying to chew off the third prong.

Stuck.

I just grabbed it and yanked.

Yeah. The guy could have done it himself, but he was panicking.

He was blue.

People sure can be stupid.

I mean, really, buy a fucking adaptor.

[ both laugh ]

Sorry about the "F" word.

It's okay.

Susan. Hi.

I'm-- I'm April.

I'm sort of a friend of Ray's.

Sort of?

Yeah. Well, I've been going around with him this evening

trying to get the money.

I just thought you should know it's...

it's not going very well,

in case you want to make other plans.

- Damn. - What's up?

[ groans ] I need money

for, um... a problem.

How much?

900.

That is a problem.

He's just useless at being able to ask for it, you know?

I mean, at least I tried to help him get the 600 from Maggie, but...

Oh, you didn't.

Yeah. Well, Ray wasn't very happy about it, either.

The money is really for Maggie.

What?

I lied to Ray.

It's Maggie who needs the, um...

abortion.

Oh, shit!

Hey, Chip.

Hey, heartbreaker, what's up?

Pinot grigio?

Actually, I'm just looking for Ray.

Hasn't been in. You guys back together?

No. He's just... he's kind of in a jam,

and I got some money I owe him,

and, uh...

I'm gonna check a couple other places,

but if he comes in, would you tell him

I'll be at Hi-Life at closing?

Sure. Bad jam, huh?

Family.

Shit. 'Cause I owe him, like, 50.

- Really? - Yeah.

'Cause if you could, this would be a great time.

All right. Well, I'll tell you what. Uh...

Here's 40.

Great. Thanks.

Yeah. And, uh, don't forget where it came from.

Sure, Chet-- Chad? Chaz.

Funny. Real funny.

- Charlie? - Uh-huh.

- Santa: Oh, poop. - What?

I dipped my beard in my Woo Woo.

How do you keep that thing on?

With this elastic business right here.

Hey, I know you.

Everybody knows Santa--

You ever go into the Hi-Life?

Yeah, you're the bartender.

- Yeah. - Simon.

I owe you 40 bucks.

- You're April's guy. - Was.

We said our "cheerios."

You moved someplace.

'Frisco.

Hated it.

It's foggy all the time,

and they get really pissy if you call it 'Frisco.

"It's not 'Frisco! It's San Francisco!"

Well, you know, excuse me for abbreviating.

April still thinks you're there.

Smooth, huh?

[ chuckles ]

[ slurping ]

[ couple moaning ]

Oh!

Shit! Shit!

Shit. I got schmutz all over my shirt.

Get it back in your pants!

Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing.

Man: Get the hell out of there!

Eat me!

Come on.

[ rustling ]

Like I said, the kid was in a ski mask.

I don't think I could spot him.

Yeah, it's a waste, I know,

but, uh, procedure in a shooting.

How you feeling anyway?

I'm a little spacey.

Blood loss.

Do like you gave and drink some orange juice.

What about that one?

Minor: Not tall enough.

This guy was a real stringbean.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He was 6'7", 6'8".

He was tall.

Sounds like the Knicks could use him.

[ laughs ]

Christ. Maybe it's his.

What?

The baby. Maybe it's Ray's.

No, they've been broken up since...

at least August.

Maybe one time, for old times' sake?

He wouldn't.

Morals.

Stodginess.

Bit of the same thing, really.

Hey.

You're English, aren't you?

Yes.

April: I should go and find him.

I left a message for him on my answering machine.

I told him I'd meet him at the Hi-Life at closing.

Maybe if I explain it correctly,

the irony that I asked the girl who broke his heart

for the money she owed him

to give to you for your abortion

when she doesn't really have it,

because you were asking for it to give to her for her abortion,

- maybe he'd find that funny. - No.

Not a chance?

Ray thinks jokes are funny.

He has no idea life is.

You don't think maybe you should call April,

let her know you're back in town?

What's the point?

It's the right thing to do.

It's over.

When she runs into you, she's gonna feel pretty shitty.

That's why the disguise.

[ chuckles ]

I don't think it's funny.

I really don't give a shit what you think.

- Maybe you'd better. - Hey, you two, play nice.

She was very affectionate in bed.

I find that a turn-off.

Okay, why don't you shut up, asshole?

Maggie: Take it outside.

- Why, are you doing her? - Watch your mouth!

What, are you defending your lady, huh, loser?

You're gonna eat that beard, pal.

Hey! Outside, now!

- Let's go. - You wanna do the dance?

Oh, yeah. Come on, puff boy.

- Ray: Tubby. - Simon: Tubby? Them's fightin' words.

Puff boy.

Hey, bitch!

Bitch! I'll kick your fuckin' bitch ass!

Oh!

Looks like we got a little altercation up ahead.

Dispatch, this is car 1157.

We're at 84th and Amsterdam.

We have another battling Santa.

Lot of Santa brawls, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Couple of drinks in 'em,

they think the fat suit makes them invincible.

Come here!

You messed with the wrong Santa!

Fucker!

- Officer: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - Partner: Come on! Break it up!

Partner: You don't wanna go downtown!

- Can we all chill out here? - Simon: Bozo!

Shit.

You're going your separate ways, right?

Yes, sir, Officer.

You son of a bitch!

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - I'm gonna tear you to pieces!

- Who? - That asshole!

All right, knock it off.

Hey, you know this guy?

Sure does.

Ray. Ray, you got to listen--

No fucking way, man!

Officer, sir-- sir, he knocked up my sister.

No wonder he was touchy.

Shut up.

This is the third fucking time, Jimmy!

- No, it's not like that. - No? How is it, huh?

You gonna tell me it was someone else? My sister's a slut?

No, no, no. It was me, but it was--

An accident? Three times, Jimmy. You're gonna pay.

I will. I will.

Maggie's got 600 bucks for you, man.

I swear to God I'm gonna pay you back.

Not for the abortion, asshole!

- For being so stupid! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Just let me have a piece of him. Please?

- Please? - What do you think?

Well, he does got it coming.

All right, we'll give you a minute.

But that'll have to be enough.

- That's plenty. - Come on.

Hey! Wait! Wait Wait! Wait!

I'm gonna marry her.

What?

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

We'll have the baby.

[ laughs ] That's crazy. She won't say yes.

I can't control that. That's up to her.

But I gotta do the honorable thing.

I'm just doing what a man's gotta do.

- Hey... - What?

I'm sorry that you don't seem to approve,

but now you really got no right to beat me up.

He's got a point.

Doesn't change what he did.

Puts it in a different context.

- Shut up! - Shut up!

What about him? Can I take a pop at Santa?

- Beat it back to the Pole. - Yes, sir, Officer, sir.

Don't be surprised if you get a little coal

in your stocking this year.

Ho ho ho, you fuck!

Blow me. Merry Christmas.

I know you're a little upset.

Upset? You as a brother-in-law?

Maybe after I tear you to pieces, I'll be down to upset.

- He's got you, Ray. - Who the fuck are you?

Name's Minor. I sympathize with you,

but it's kind of like, well...

what about a shotgun wedding?

If the groom goes through with it,

you're not gonna go ahead and shoot him anyway, eh?

That's true.

It's time-honored.

You think you can control yourself?

- Do I have a choice? - A night in the Tombs.

I'll keep him in line. At least till you hear

if your sister wants to do the "I dos."

- Can you manage that? - I guess.

- Partner: You can go then. - Okay, thanks. Thank you.

Come on, Jimmy.

Ricky: Mom, look--

yeah, Mom, Minor's gonna explain.

He is.

Okay, okay. Yeah. Mom, I know. Things came up.

Great. Your sister.

This is one time you'll be happy to see her.

She's a bitch. I'm grabbing a booth.

She's got the 600.

Oh, here he is.

Sis!

Hey. Did you walk into a mirror?

Hey, Ray.

- Mom, really, it's okay. - You're working hard.

- You're not serving him, are you? - I gotta go.

- He's maybe 12. - Mom, I'm hanging up.

I love you.

I'm 16, and I'm meeting him.

- Can't I go? - No, do the tables.

So...

I'm not taking any money.

- Ray! - You're owed it.

You get it from your new boyfriend?

That's what I thought. Forget it.

Ray, would you stop thinking about yourself?

Yeah.

Normally, you should do a little more of that,

but this isn't the time to start.

I should have started the day we met.

I'm grounded, like, for life.

You got the gun?

Yeah. You owe me big because Mom's gonna be furious.

I'll figure something. Slip it into my pocket.

There's the 600, plus 80 from Chip and Derek.

What?

I was looking for you, and they pitched in.

- [ telephone rings ] - Ray: Hi-Life Bar and Grill.

Hello? Hello?

Man, I'm lightheaded.

Really? How come?

Think back.

Oh, right.

I'll take the 80, that's all.

Take the six, for Susan.

I thought you were gonna marry her.

- What? - I'm asking her.

[ laughs ] Are you serious?

I'm doing the right thing.

But I don't want her to feel like she's got no choice.

I mean, if she wants to start a family, that's great,

but she should have the option.

So if I take it, there's less chance she'll marry you?

- I'll take it. - Good.

Now you can leave.

After you buy me a drink.

- Golden margarita? - You remember.

- Too much. - Oh, please.

Ray, was the phone for me?

Oh, yeah? Why would the phone be for you?

Because I'm popular?

It was nobody. You can go. I'll close.

Thanks. See ya.

Bye.

Salt?

Save it for your wounds.

- Ray? - What?

- Could I have the money? - No.

- For Sue. I could-- - No.

Okay, fine, but please don't give it to her in front of people.

She's embarrassed enough as it is.

- She should be. - Ray--

All right! Go talk with your friends.

I'm only taking it 'cause Susan needs it so badly.

I still think you're the force of evil.

It's better than thinking I'm an angel.

I guess Ray must have thumped Jimmy

before he had the chance to tell him it's Maggie that's pregnant.

Yeah.

Maybe he gave him a really good head butt

and cracked him open like an egg.

April: Oh. Sorry.

Would you just lose the fucking grudge, Ray?

Okay, so we broke up. Fine. It's over. Move on.

We didn't break up. I was dumped.

It happens.

You've been dumped?

Well, no, but--

Exactly.

But I still felt.

I mean, when you think that something's great,

and then it turns out all wrong,

and you don't know how or when,

but you know that you've got to get out of it,

well, that's not much fun, either.

[ rattles ]

This is working.

All I gotta do is get him to give the money to Susan

without telling her it's for Maggie.

And make Susan an honest woman.

I thought this out. If she says yes,

I'll get her to pretend she miscarried.

Neat.

But you do realize you'll still be married.

Sure. I know.

Maybe I'm ready.

April: I should never have told her I liked Ray.

Now there's competition,

she's gonna find him irresistible again.

He's probably just making her grovel

before he gives her whatever money he's got.

We could go inside and see.

Yeah, but speculation's so much safer

than finding out the truth.

You don't like me, so why waste your time hating me?

You're the kind of person who'd rather be thought of

as a force of evil than an angel.

That's so people can be pleasantly surprised

rather than horribly disappointed.

Oh, I don't think so, Maggie.

It's all bullshit, Ray.

You don't know who I am.

You just-- you turn me into extremes.

You either put me on a pedestal, or you beat me with it.

Yeah?

I'm just an idea to you, and I don't want that.

That's why we broke up,

and that's why it shouldn't be a big deal that we did.

Because you didn't really lose me.

You see, you just lost some dream version of me.

Well, I may be great, but I'm not a slice of heaven, Ray.

If you'd just stop wanting angels,

maybe you'll find yourself a... someone.

Why don't you drink up?

I'm not thirsty anymore.

Hey, Maggie.

- Hi. - April: Hello.

- You found him. - Yes, so did you.

Susan! Honey!

I-I thought you were waiting at home.

- April. - We gave her a lift.

- Raymond. - Do I know these guys?

They want to tell you about an audition.

Really? For what? Is it a feature?

They went with a name. Would you like a beer?

Thank you.

- Can we have three McSorley's, please? - Ray: Okay.

- Could you bring me that margarita? - No, no, no! No, no!

- I was just gonna walk you out to a cab. - That's okay.

You positive? It's-- whoo-hoo! It's really late.

- Chill. - Last call.

Can I get me an OJ?

Sure. April?

Martini?

Uh, Stoli silver, three olives.

Actually, um...

no.

Absolut? It's on the house.

No, thank you.

Just get me a vodka tonic.

You got it.

Excuse me. Can we have a little talk?

- Over there? - Sure.

No. No, no.

I mean, what's a party without girls?

We'll just be a second.

Jimmy: I think it's really great the way you two get along.

I made a call.

- Fatty's on his way. - Good.

You gotta help me out. I'll get 'em back there,

and you talk about something, anything.

Just keep them off the subject till I figure something.

- Hey, hey, hey! - It's for them.

Not till somebody pays for the beer.

Listen, I know about... you know,

and I'm really sorry.

Shit happens. Don't be.

I'm just sorry Ray couldn't get the money.

He did.

You're kidding! That's great!

Yeah.

I mean, it's hard to say "great" in this situation.

- You know what I mean. - Yeah.

Um, but I was thinking that maybe, um,

we could... you know,

we could go there tomorrow, together?

Sure...

if you think it would help.

Yeah, I do, I think. Do you?

Here we go.

Everything cool?

Sure.

Yeah. I think it would be good.

I mean, I'm glad you thought you could ask,

with us never being so close.

We women, we gotta stick together, you know.

Yeah. That's great. Let's go join the others.

We're gonna go to the doctor together tomorrow.

Really?

Uh, you-you don't have to go.

I'll go with her.

What do you think?

It's up to you.

I really think it's a woman thing.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't talk about it in front of everybody.

There's nothing left to talk about.

Great! Yeah. Let's sit.

Hey, everybody.

What time should we get together?

What time's the appointment?

You!

Sis, please.

You are a dead man.

Wait. You're not...?

No more than you.

Okay, okay, okay.

I lied. I admit it.

It was awful. It was a terrible lie to tell.

I thought it wasn't that bad

because it wasn't true.

But I realize now it was that bad.

And then you went and said you were pregnant,

so it got worse.

But I only had the best intentions. I did it for you.

And I only said Maggie needed one

'cause I knew no one would give me money.

And if I was gonna do this,

I wanted to do it right,

with the ring and the honeymoon you deserve.

Susan...

will you marry me?

Jeez, Jimmy, I don't know what to say.

Say no.

I mean, really. The guy's an idiot.

Hey, Jimmy.

Fatty's coming across the street.

Excuse me.

April: There's someone called Fatty?

[ clattering ]

A guy Jimmy owes 900.

- Jimmy: Shit, Minor! -You asshole!

I'm sorry.

You'll do anything for money.

It's not about money!

- Right. - Son of a bitch.

It's about pain. I'll do anything to avoid pain.

- And disfigurement. - Would you take me for a drink?

Uh, sure.

Where's Jimmy?

All: Behind the bar.

Thanks a lot.

Fatty. I was just--

Fatty: Shut up!

Minor.

What did you need the kid for?

I didn't want him to ditch me

while I was in the john or something.

You get him home.

Elena's on the warpath, and she's got Sherry with her.

I'll take care of it.

Now why am I guessing

you don't have anything for me?

I will. I will. It's just that, you know,

things didn't work out, Fatty, not like I planned.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just need a little more time. I'll get you the money.

Sure.

But you still gotta take your lumps.

Look. Look. I already got two stitches.

I'll tell people that you did this to me.

You sent it kind of like a warning message.

I was late making a payment, so you cut me.

Lies are for punks, Jimmy.

You bashed me into something sharp?

Sorry, Jimmy. If you can't do the time--

Don't do the crime. Yeah. I know. I know.

Maggie? Come on, sis, please?

How bad's it gonna be?

It's a beating. It'll look worse than it is.

Sorry, bro.

Sis!

It's Ray's money.

Ray. Please?

If Susan doesn't need it, I won't keep it.

Come on. Swallow your pride.

I'm gonna take a beating here.

Take it.

It's Christmas, Ray. Give it to charity.

Time to pay the piper, Jimmy.

- Charity, huh? - Fuck charity. Give it to the piper.

You're talking to the wrong guy, James.

Susan?

You're kidding, right?

Minor?

Come on, anybody, please? A little help here.

You made the bed.

Stop with the sayings!

Come out from behind there!

There's got to be another way.

There isn't!

[ sighs ]

[ chuckles ] Well, I...

I think that there better be,

or I'm gonna do a little bashing of my own, huh?

Put the bat down.

No fucking way.

Guys.

Stop right there. I said stop!

[ clatters ]

Huh? Huh?

Everything's my fault, right?

Well, I'm sick of it!

I didn't drop the pass in the end zone.

I didn't miss the fucking field goal.

So I'm gonna pay when I'm good and ready.

You don't like it, you can talk to "Louie" here.

All of youse, you got a problem with me? Too fucking bad!

I'm through being the whippin' boy.

Come on.

Come on, you mothers. I'll take all of youse on, huh?

[ crashing ]

Oops, huh?

Fatty, I, uh, I was--

Uh-hh!

My nose.

It'll give you character.

Hey!

I'm responsible for what happens in here.

- Yeah? - Thank God.

Could you take it outside?

Ray!

- Sorry. Sure. - Come on.

I-- I! Oh, jeez!

Ow!

You tried, kid.

What do I owe you for the damage?

- It's on Jimmy's tab. - Thanks.

Let's take a walk.

- Going somewhere, Fatty? - Honey!

- Minor: Elena. - How'd you find me?

Mothers are all-knowing.

Take the gun out of my pocket.

I don't want Elena to find it.

After you hung up, we "star-69'd."

"Hi-Life Bar and Grill."

You've had enough beating. Use it to get out of here.

Where do I go?

Somewhere where people might like you.

What are you getting busted for?

I bet on Notre Dame.

Oh!

Yeah.

The fat one here's taking book.

Oh, Sherry, I can--

Explain? No. You can pay.

We had an agreement. No shady action.

So you can close the book as of exactly now,

or you can start paying alimony as of exactly soon.

Oh, all right, honey.

- "All right, honey," what? - No more book.

Is this retroactive? Does that mean I'm off the hook?

Yeah.

- Not with me. - Too bad.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I think I'm following all this,

but which one of you is pregnant?

It's me.

What?

I'm carrying your child.

10 weeks.

Oh, my God! It's a heart attack!

Clear the way! Paramedics!

We're EMS. Don't panic.

We know what we're doing.

You got pregnant? What are you thinking? You're too old.

Don't push it, Ricardo.

Is he all right?

He probably just fainted.

We'll determine that.

Get him some brandy.

What is it? Is he okay?

This man's been shot.

Oh, my God!

It's all right. It's okay.

He's already been patched up.

It's probably just a weakness from loss of blood.

- Minor: Elena. - Yes?

Sweetie. Yes. I'm here.

- We're having a baby? - That's the story.

But when did we...

you know, when did we not use...

That night after the Mets doubleheader. Remember?

The sweep.

Yeah. Here, take this.

- We gotta get married. - Sure.

Like, tomorrow. We don't want the kid doing the math,

thinking that he was an accident. That's not right.

Whatever you think's best.

Wow. The bake sales were worth it.

People.

[ all gasp ]

This is a good time for me to be leaving.

Jesus.

I believe you mentioned something about a car.

Could I have the keys, please?

It's an '82 Rabbit.

Keys.

Nice and slow. Slow.

Or what, huh?

You take the car, I call the police, they pull you over.

Or I take you with me till I get somewhere, huh?

Jimmy, you're not a kidnapper.

You're not a car thief. You're an actor.

Yeah, and this actor's going to L.A.

For good?

I might come back after I make it big, do a little Broadway.

Here. Keep it. It's a gift.

Great.

Suze, sorry things didn't pan out between us.

Your career comes first.

Thanks.

Tell Mom and Dad I'll call 'em on Christmas.

You got it.

All of youse, you knew me when.

That's it. Drink up. I'm going home.

♪ Little girls

♪ And little boys

♪ Dream of worlds

♪ Full of toys

♪ This time of the year

♪ When Christmas is near ♪

♪ Evergreens

♪ Are snowy white

♪ Sleigh bells ring...

A friend of Ricky's had fallen in with the wrong crowd.

Ricky asked me to help him set his friend straight.

But some of the wrong crowd showed up,

and, well...

he's a good kid, Elena.

He was a little reckless,

but he was trying to help a friend.

I think he learned his lesson.

I did.

All right.

But nothing like this better happen again.

It won't.

Thanks... Dad.

Sure... son.

We're gonna be the happiest family in the whole city.

You bet, honey.

I love you, Clarence.

I love you, too.

Let's go home.

Well, I had no idea this place

was so lively around closing time.

I still think Jimmy got off pretty easy.

Yeah, but he's moving to L.A.

That's punishment enough.

Want me to walk you home?

Actually, could you lend me the cab fare?

I thought you lived around the corner?

I do. I'm teasing.

Well, come on, then.

Phil: I couldn't believe the way he treated you.

I wanted to...

Sure, but you can't hold Jimmy to your standards. He's--

An actor. I know.

A struggling actor.

So it's like he has this gift

he wants to give away,

but nobody will accept it.

Granted, the gift is himself,

but that's what he values the most.

I guess.

He was well-groomed.

[ chuckles ]

You've already forgiven him, haven't you?

Sure. He is what he is. Things happen.

I made new friends and--

no, I haven't forgiven him.

But I'll be relieved when I do,

because it'll be the last time I have to.

So, you guys want to come up to my roof

and wait for the sunrise?

Oh. Uh...

yeah, sure. Sure.

Cool.

So what are you gonna do with all the loot you collected?

600 I'll give to Toys for Tots,

or the Police Athletic League-- something for kids.

The rest I'll probably spend on presents.

That's very selfish of you.

What?

I just mean that it's typical you'd give it all away.

Yeah, I'm gullible.

Or generous.

This is me.

Well, this is me,

but, um, this is me as well.

Okay. Good night.

Good night.

Ray?

Yeah?

What do youwant for Christmas?

You want the truth?

Only if you whisper it.

[ softly ] You.

What?

[ softly ] I want you for Christmas.

You do? Oh. Well, I'm glad.

- You are? - Mm-hmm.

I won't have to shop, and...

I'll be fun to unwrap.

♪ Every day

♪ Will be like a holiday ♪

♪ When my baby

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ When my baby comes home ♪

♪ Now he's been gone

♪ For such a long time

♪ Since he's been gone

♪ I've had him on my mind ♪

♪ I got a letter today

♪ Just about noon

♪ It said, "Don't worry, baby ♪

♪ I'll be home soon."

♪ Every day

♪ Will be like a holiday ♪

♪ Mmm...

♪ When my baby

♪ When my baby comes home ♪

♪ He said not to worry

♪ "Don't sit by the phone

♪ Soon, I'll be home, baby ♪

♪ You'll never be alone."

♪ I expect to see him

♪ Sometime today

♪ I know my baby

♪ Is never going away

♪ Every day

♪ Will be like a holiday ♪

♪ Oh

♪ When my baby

♪ Baby, baby, baby

♪ When my baby comes home ♪

♪ Whoa

♪ Every day

♪ Yes, it will

♪ Will be like a holiday ♪

♪ Gonna be a holiday

♪ Every day will be like a holiday ♪

♪ My baby, he's coming home ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Yes he is, I know he is... ♪

[ song fades ]

[ jazz music plays ]

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ Good tidings we bring ♪

♪ To you and your kin

♪ Good tidings for Christmas ♪

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ We all want some figgy pudding ♪

♪ We all want some figgy pudding ♪

♪ We all want some figgy pudding ♪

♪ So bring it right here ♪

♪ We won't go until we get some ♪

♪ We won't go until we get some ♪

♪ We won't go until we get some ♪

♪ So bring it right now ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a Happy New Year

♪ Good tidings we bring ♪

♪ To you and your kin

♪ Good tidings for Christmas ♪

♪ And a Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas.