Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY

SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

>> THIS IS JON.

>> HEY. RYAN.

>> Jon: HEY, RYAN.

RYAN, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A

LIVING?

>> I SELL SIDING.

>> Jon: PBHT! BORING!

YOU KNOW, IT'S A PLACE CALLED

NICKY'S GRINDERS, AND IT'S THE

BEST SUB SHOP IN NEW YORK.

>> YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT NICKY'S.

IT'S AMAZING.

>> Jon: YEAH, A LOT OF THEIR

SUBS ARE LIKE THAT.

A LOT OF WEIRD COMBOS.

I HEARD THAT SCARLETT JOHANSSON

IS GONNA DO A COVER OF HER

TOM WAITS COVERS.

>> OH, LIKE A COVER OF A COVER?

>> Jon: SHE'S, LIKE, COVERING

HERSELF.

>> SOUNDS KIND OF GOOD.

>> Jon: I THINK IT SOUNDS KIND

OF INTERESTING.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: THERE HE IS.

NICKY!

>> HEY!

HOW'S MY FAVORITE CUSTOMER?

>> Jon: GOOD. HOW YOU DOING?

>> KIM, ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU.

>> HI, NICKY.

>> WHAT IS THIS, 30 DAYS IN A

ROW?

>> Jon: 31.

ALMOST DONE EATING MY WAY

THROUGH THE MENU.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

31. OF COURSE.

WHICH IS WHY I MADE YOU NUMBER

31.

>> Jon: I KNEW IT.

>> AH.

>> Jon: I KNEW YOU KNEW.

OH, LOOK AT THIS.

>> GET INTO IT.

>> Jon: [ EXHALES ]

OH, YEAH.

[ SNIFFS ]

MMM.

MMM.

THE CRACK OF THE CRUST, COOLNESS

OF DIJON COUNTERBALANCING THE

SNAP OF PEPPER TURKEY.

THE PEPPER TURKEY CRACKING THE

WHIP ON MY TASTE BUDS.

THE OARSMEN ON THE SLAVE SHIP OF

MY MOUTH.

THERE IT IS.

SUN-DRIED TOMATO, YEAH -- THE

SIGNATURE INGREDIENT IN THE

NUMBER 31.

MMM. NEVER OVERPOWERING.

JUST ENOUGH TO REMIND ME OF ITS

PRESENCE, PLAYING PEEK-A-BOO

WITH THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH.

MMM.

PEEK-A...BOO.

PEEK-A...OOH.

PEEK-A...YUM.

PEEK-A INTO MY TUM.

MMM.

>> OKAY, JON. COME ON.

SNAP OUT OF THE GRINDER HIGH.

>> Jon: HMM?

WHOA.

[ LAUGHS ] WHOA!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: WOW!

OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE.

AS ALWAYS, PERFECTION.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> Jon: WOW.

THANK YOU.

>> COME WITH ME.

>> Jon: WOW.

>> LISTEN, I'VE BEEN RUNNING

THIS PLACE ALONE FOR 35 YEARS.

MADE EVERY SUB MYSELF.

I NEVER TRUSTED ANYONE ELSE TO

HELP ME.

I WANT YOU TO COME WORK AT

NICKY'S.

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD!

WASN'T I JUST TELLING YOU THAT I

WOULD LOVE TO WORK HERE?!

>> NO.

>> Jon: WELL, I WAS THINKING IT,

OKAY, AND IT SEEMED OBVIOUS.

OH, MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

OH, I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS F-FOR

SUBS AND JUST IDEAS FOR THE

RESTAURANT -- STUFF WE CAN DO

AND PROMOTION STUFF.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

GOT A NUMBER 19.

NUMBER 19 -- CROUCHING TURKEY,

HIDDEN DRESSING.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

NO HOAGIE FOR OLD MEN, AND THAT

IS WIDE.

MAKES ME FEEL LIKE TOM CRUISE IN

"COCKTAIL."

BOOM.

>> SO, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING AT

NICKY'S?

>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, IT'S LIKE A

DREAM JOB.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY WORK

THERE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: OH, WHO HAVE WE HERE

COMING UP?

WHO IS THIS LITTLE FUNNY FACE?

>> MR. LITTLE JEANS.

>> Jon: MR. LITTLE JEANS, HI.

YOU ARE A CUTIE PIE.

OH, MR. LITTLE JEANS, HI.

WINNER RIGHT THERE. THANK YOU.

CUTE!

>> BOY, YOU REALLY LOVE DOGS,

HUH?

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

DOGS ARE GREAT.

LOOK AT THAT GUY.

GO GET THAT BALL. GO GET IT!

THERE HE GOES!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU SHOULD GET A DOG.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> YOU SHOULD GET A DOG.

>> Jon: I WILL NEVER GET A DOG!

YOU HEAR ME?!

EVER! EVER AGAIN!

NO, I'LL NEVER GET A DOG!

[ Crying ] I'LL NEVER GET A DOG!

>> WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

>> Jon: EVER! EVER!

>> JON!

COME ON, JON!

>> YOU KNOW, JON ACTUALLY HAD A

DOG.

HE LEFT IT WITH HIS PARENTS WHEN

HE ENTERED THE PROGRAM, AND THE

MOB HAD IT ASSASSINATED.

>> MY GOD.

JON!

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T

KNOW THAT.

DIDN'T YOU READ HIS FILE?

>> SKIPPED CERTAIN PARTS OF IT.

HANG ON.

I THINK I FOUND HIM.

HEY, JON.

>> HEY.

>> LOOK, UH, KIM TOLD ME ABOUT

YOUR DOG.

>> Jon: I'M SORRY I YELLED AT

YOU.

>> OH, NO.

HEY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: [ Crying ] IT'S NOT.

>> IT'S OKAY.

HEY, WHAT WAS YOUR DOG'S NAME?

>> Jon: DING DONG FOOTBALL.

PRETTY AWESOME NAME FOR A DOG,

RIGHT?

>> MM-HMM.

>> Jon: [ SOBS ]

>> YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE

EVER MET ANYONE WHO CARED ABOUT

DOGS AS MUCH AS YOU.

>> Jon: [ EXHALES ]

>> Y-YOU'RE LIKE THE MAYOR OF

DOGS.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Jon: WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE...

GUARDIAN OF ALL DOGS?

>> YEAH.

YEAH. I-I GUESS. YEAH.

>> Jon: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

>> WHAT' A GREAT IDEA?

>> Jon: DOG MAYOR.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: I'M GONNA BE THAT.

[ DOG BARKS ]

HI, FOLKS.

I AM RUNNING FOR, UH, NEW YORK

DOG MAYOR.

WE LOVE THE CITY.

WE LOVE OUR DOGS.

LET'S HAVE SOMEBODY TO BE THEIR

REPRESENTATIVE.

WE'VE GOT GREAT PARKS.

WE'VE GOT GREAT DOG RUNS.

LET'S MAKE THEM BETTER.

I'D LIKE TO SEE WATER SLIDES.

PUT GRAVY BOWLS IN THERE.

DOGS GO NUTS FOR GRAVY.

CATS HAVE CATNIP.

HOW ABOUT SOME DOGNIP FOR DOGS?

OH, MY GOOD-- OH, GET UP THERE.

OH, YEAH.

WHY SHOULD CATS BE THE ONLY ONES

TO ENJOY THAT ASPECT OF BEING AN

ANIMAL?

TWO GIRLS.

HEY, THEY LOVE HAVING FUN, HUH?

I WANT TO HAVE FREE BACON FOR

DOGS.

IT'S VERY SIMILAR TO HANDING OUT

FREE CONDOMS, HANDING OUT FREE

NEEDLES FOR AIDS PATIENTS AND

ALL THAT.

LET'S EXPAND OFF-LEASH HOURS.

OH, WHAT A SWEETIE. HELLO.

TAKE THESE FENCES DOWN.

GIVE THE DOGS THE GREEN GRASS

THEY CRAVE.

I HOPE TO GET YOUR VOTE -- IF

YOU CAN TEACH HER HOW TO PULL A

LEVER...

>> [ Laughing ] YEAH.

>> Jon: ...AT THE VOTING BOOTH.

[ Laughing ] ALL RIGHT.

I HAD A REALLY SOLID DAY

CAMPAIGNING TODAY, GUYS -- REAL

SOLID.

YOU KNOW, DAVID, WHEN I BECOME

DOG MAYOR, THAT IS GONNA MAKE

YOU FIRST PUP.

>> AWW.

>> OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE RUNNING FOR AN OFFICE

THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

NO ONE CARES.

>> RYAN, JON CARES.

>> Jon: LOOK, YOU CAN BE AS

BITTER AS YOU WANT ABOUT YOUR

OWN [BLEEP] LIFE, BUT MAYBE YOU

COULD ALSO TRY BEING A LITTLE

PRODUCTIVE, FOR A CHANGE.

TAKE A BREAK FROM THE COMPLAIN

TRAIN.

"LOOK AT ME!

I'M GONNA PUT SIDING ON A HOUSE!

THAT'S BETTER.

THAT'S BETTER THAN TRYING TO DO

SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR DOGS."

>> YOU'RE IN THE WITNESS

PROTECTION PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIDING.

>> Jon: I CAN STATE FACTS, TOO.

YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

>> OH, JON.

OH, HERE HE GOES. HERE HE GOES.

>> RYAN.

>> FACT -- YOU'RE A DUMMY.

THAT'S A FACT.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

>> Jon: KEEP WALKING, FRIEND.

>> YOU'RE A DUMMY.

>> Jon: YEP. THAT'S ME.

HEY, UM, BY THE WAY, I, UH...

I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

UH, I NEED SOME TIME OFF, AND I

NEED TO BORROW SOME CASH.

>> DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD.

WHATEVER IT IS.

YOU'RE LIKE A SON TO ME.

WHATEVER -- GAMBLING, DRUGS,

PORNOGRAPHY.

>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S FOR

DOG MAYOR.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

>> Jon: I NEED SOME MONEY FOR

CAMPAIGN ADS.

>> JON, I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH

YOU.

DOG MAYOR MAKES NO SENSE TO ME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MADE NO

SENSE TO ME THE FIRST TIME I

HEARD ABOUT IT?

THE MAN IN THE MOON.

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, BUDDY.

I APPRECIATE IT.

"POP, POP!" -- THAT'S WHAT

POPCORN SAYS.

HEY, LET'S LOOK ALIVE.

WAKE UP, PLEASE.

HEY, WAKE UP. WE'RE ALMOST ON.

>> IS ANYONE EVEN GONNA SEE

THIS, HONEY?

>> Jon: IF WE'RE UP, OTHER

PEOPLE ARE UP.

>> David: WE'RE ONLY UP 'CAUSE

WE HAV TO BE.

>> DAMN IT, DAVID!

YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS AT?

I WAS DOING IT UP AT THE

TECHNICAL EMMY AFTER PARTY.

I CAME HERE.

YOU CAN'T SPEND TWO SECONDS FOR

YOUR FATHER?

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND STAY OUT OF MY POPCORN.

HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.

>> YOU'RE WATCHING

"BEACH DETECTIVES" ON

CABLE-ACCESS CHANNEL 126.

>> Jon: PEOPLE HAVE GROCERY

STORES.

SO DO DOGS.

PEOPLE HAVE DOCTORS.

SO DO DOGS.

PEOPLE ALSO HAVE MAYORS.

SO WHY DON'T DOGS?

VOTE JON FOR DOG MAYOR.

I'M JON, AND I APPROVE THIS

MESSAGE.

>> YAY!

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

>> HI. I'M RYAN ANDERSON.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> AND I'M ALSO RUNNING FOR

DOG MAYOR.

I DON'T HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE

WITH ANIMALS, AND I HAVE NO

POLITICAL EXPERIENCE

WHATSOEVER.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE I DON'T

HAVE -- A BOUNTY ON MY HEAD BY

THE RUSSIAN MAFIA AND A SKI

MASK ON MY FACE.

I PAID FOR 10 MORE SECONDS OF

THIS COMMERCIAL.

TAKE THAT TIME TO THINK ABOUT

IT.

I'M RYAN ANDERSON, AND I

APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.

>> Jon: JAY, GET OUT!

GO!

>> WHAT THE "F" IS WRONG WITH

YOU, RYAN?

>> WHAT?

>> HONESTLY.

>> OH, I'M JUST TAKING JON'S

ADVICE.

HE SAID TO DO SOMETHING

PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DEBATE.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, HOMEBOY,

LET'S ROCK THE ISSUES.

>> YEAH. MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, GROOM.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN "GROOM"?

>> Jon: YOU SAID "MAY THE BEST

MAN WIN," RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: I'M THE BEST MAN.

YOU'RE THE GROOM.

>> OOH!

>> DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT A

PHENOMENAL [BLEEP] YOU ARE?

>> Jon: HEY, MAN, CALL ME

WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT STARTING

NEXT WEEK, YOU BETTER GET USED

TO CALLING ME "HIS ROYAL

MAJESTY, THE DUKE EARL OF DOG

MAYORS."

>> I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT MY

OPPONENT DOESN'T EVEN OWN A DOG.

HOW DOES SOMEBODY THAT DOESN'T

EVEN OWN A DOG EXPECT YOU TO

BELIEVE THAT HE HAS WHAT IT

TAKES TO BE DOG MAYOR?

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, MY OPPONENT

LIKES TO POINT OUT THAT I DO NOT

OWN A DOG, AND YET WHAT HE

DOESN'T POINT OUT IS THAT HE

BOUGHT HIS TOKEN DOG JUST THIS

PAST WEEK.

>> DO YOU EVEN OWN A DOG?

DO YOU OWN A DOG -- YES OR "NO"?

>> Jon: NO.

I DO NOT OWN A DOG.

WANT TO KNOW WHY?

IT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS GUNNED DOWN

BY THE MOB.

THOSE HEARTLESS, GUTLESS,

ANIMAL-HATING MIRMINSKYS KILLED

MY DOG, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY YOU

WANT ME TO BE DOG MAYOR, 'CAUSE

I'LL MAKE SURE YOUR DOG IS SAFE.

IS YOUR DOG SAFE?

IS YOUR DOG SAFE, BACK THERE?

IS YOUR DOG SAFE?

WHAT'S TO STOP THE MOB FROM

KILLING YOUR DOG?

RIGHT NOW. BOOM -- GUN. BOOM.

YOUR DOG'S DEAD.

MACHINE GUNS.

[ IMITATES MACHINE GUN ]

THAT'S THE SOUND YOU'RE GONNA

HEAR WITH THIS GUY IN CHARGE.

ME -- YOUR DOGS ARE SAFE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

UH, ALSO, REAL QUICK, I DO WANT

TO THANK NICKY FROM

NICKY'S GRINDERS.

THAT IS HOME OF THE 7-FOOT PARTY

SUB.

* 'CAUSE WITH ONE FOOT MORE, THE

PARTY STILL ROARS *

* YEAH

RAWR!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS.

THANK YOU.

SO, I DON'T KNOW.

ALL IN ALL -- PRETTY GOOD

SPEECH, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> JON.

DING DONG FOOTBALL -- THAT IS

THE NARRATIVE FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN.

THAT'S YOUR JOHN McCAIN P.O.W.

ANGLE, HUH?

>> Jon: McCAIN -- YES.

>> David: DIDN'T McCAIN LOSE?

>> JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY

PHOTOS -- OLD PHOTOS OF YOU AND

THE DOG?

>> Jon: UH, I'M SURE MY PARENTS

DO.

LET ME GIVE THEM A CALL.

>> Hello?

>> Jon: HEY, DAD.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OLD PHOTOS OF ME

AND DING DONG FOOTBALL?

I'M DOING THIS CAMPAIGN RIGHT

NOW, AND IT'S SORT OF BASED ON

HOW THE MIRMINSKYS KILLED HER.

>> Jon, the Mirminskys didn't

kill DING DONG Football.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>>killed her.

Hit her with my car.

Your mother and I thought it

would be easier on you if we

just told you it was the

Mirminskys.

>> Jon: DAD, DOES ANYONE ELSE

KNOW ABOUT THIS?

>> No.

>> Jon: KEEP YOUR [BLEEP] MOUTH

SHUT ABOUT THIS, DO YOU

UNDERSTAND?

YOU DON'T TELL A [BLEEP] SOUL.

>> What?

>> Jon: SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP

ABOUT THIS.

OH, MY GOD.

MIGHTY JOE JON, WE NEED TO TALK.

>> Jon: I GOT TO SAY, THE MOST

IMPORTANT THING FOR ME IS

GETTING A CHEDDAR CHEDDAR

BANG BANG.

THAT IS WHAT IS ON MY MIND.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

>> Jon: WHOA.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> NICKY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.

>> Jon: WHAT?!

>> KIDNAPPED.

>> Jon: "CONTINUE THE DOG MAYOR

LIES, NICKY DIES.

MAKE SOME FORGIVES, NICKY

LIVES."

DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS?

WHAT HAPPENED?

>> NO IDEA, JON.

>> JON.

LOOK, IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH

ABOUT DING DONG FOOTBALL, THAT'S

IT -- CAMPAIGN OVER.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT IF -- WHAT IF I SAVE NICKY?

ALL RIGHT?

THEN NO ONE CARES IF I LIED.

>> I'M LISTENING.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, MIRMINSKYS

LOVE DOGS, RIGHT?

>> PASSIONATELY.

>> Jon: I HAVE AN IDEA.

ALL RIGHT, THEY GOT MIKE.

THEY'RE NOT GETTING NICKY.

[ MEN SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> HOW DO YOU SAY "READ 'EM AND

WEEP" IN RUSSIAN?

[ LOUD THUD ]

>> [ YELLS IN RUSSIAN ]

>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

LISTEN TO YOUR BOSS.

YOU'RE GONNA "NESTRA LIGHT"

RIGHT NOW.

NICKY, YOU OKAY?

>> [ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]

>> Jon: IT'S JON.

EVERYTHING IS A-OKAY.

WE ARE "NESTRA LIGHTING" OUT

HERE.

MOVING RIGHT OVER HERE.

NICKY, I'M COMING.

>> Jon: NICKY, YOU GOOD?

YOU OKAY?

EVERYBODY, BE COOL.

WE'RE GOOD.

THERE'S THE DOOR.

WE'RE GONNA WALK OUT.

"NESTRA LIGHT."

>> ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, HAVE A

GOOD EVENING.

SERGEI...

IT'S A REAL PLEASURE.

>> IDIOT!

>> AND TO CONGRATULATE JON

ON HIS DARING RESCUE OF ONE

OF NEW YORK'S MOST BELOVED

SANDWICH MAKERS, NICKY OF

NICKY'S GRINDERS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

SO, JON, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE

THAT I PRESENT TO YOU THE LEASH

TO THE CITY AND BESTOW UPON YOU

THE TITLE OF DOG MAYOR OF

NEW YORK CITY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

MY FIRST OFFICIAL ACT AS DOG

MAYOR IS DEDICATED NOT ONLY TO

MY DEAD DOG, DING DONG FOOTBALL,

BUT ALSO TO ALL FALLEN DOGS

ACROSS THE LAND.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I'M PROUD TO UNVEIL THE TOMB OF

THE UNKNOWN DOG.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Jon: THANK YOU, MR. MAYOR.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, EVERYONE, FOR COMING.

THANK YOU.

NOW, HERE'S THE THING.

EVERYONE LOVES THEIR DOGS, OKAY?

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DON'T LOVE

PICKING UP THEIR DOGS' NUMBER 2.

THEY DON'T CARE, ALL RIGHT?

AND THAT IS WHY I AM STARTING A

BRAND-NEW CAMPAIGN CALLED THE

"GIVE A [BLEEP] COMMISSION."

IT'S TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO PICK

UP THEIR DOGS' POOPS.

>> David: WAIT.

SHOULDN'T IT BE CALLED "TAKE A

[BLEEP]"?

>> Jon: UH, NO.

THEN PEOPLE WOULD JUST TAKE

[BLEEP] EVERYWHERE.

>> I AGREE WITH DAVID.

I THINK "GIVE A [BLEEP]" SEEMS

CONFUSING.

>> OKAY, LOOK, W-WE TALKED ABOUT

BOTH.

I THINK BOTH WORK.

>> Jon: BOTH OF THEM WORK.

WE FOCUS-GROUPED, GUYS.

>> NO, NO, NO.

"TAKE A [BLEEP]" IS MORE

LOGICAL.

>> I THINK "GIVE A [BLEEP]"

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ASKING ME TO

GIVE YOU MY [BLEEP]

>> Jon: HEY, HOW ABOUT IF

EVERYONE SHUTS UP?

I'M DOG MAYOR.

I DECIDE WHAT'S GOING ON.

IT'S "GIVE A [BLEEP]"

WE MADE THE BUTTONS.

DECISION'S FINAL, GOT IT?

>> YEAH, NO, I AGREE, THOUGH.

THAT'S CONFUSING.

>> Jon: JAY, WHY ARE YOU EVEN

HERE?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE BACK AT THE

DESK?

>> I CAME TO SUPPORT YOU.

>> EXCUSE ME.

IS THAT A FAKE MUSTACHE?

>> Jon: I DIDN'T TELL THE TRUTH,

AND THAT COULD HAVE GOT YOU

KILLED.

>> COULDA, WOULDA, SHOULDA,

GOUDA.

JON, YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

>> Jon: I KNOW.

>> AND FOR THAT, I'M GONNA REPAY

THE FAVOR.

THERE'S A SAYING IN THE GREEK

VILLAGE I COME FROM.

"VENDETTA IS A DISH SERVED

BETTER WITH COLD FETA."

I KNOW A GUY WHO CAN HAVE SERGEI

ELIMINATED -- CCK!-- NO

PROBLEMS.

THEODORE GREGOROPOULOS.

HE'S VERY EXPENSIVE.

>> Jon: JUST HIRE THIS GUY.

OKAY?

I'LL COME UP WITH THE MONEY.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME. HI, THERE.

THAT'S A REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOG.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> Jon: IS HE NEUTERED?

>> NO, HE'S NOT.

>> Jon: OH. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THEN, THAT GETS YOU...

ONE OF THESE.

IT'S A NEW LAW.

IT'S A MANDATORY SPAY AND

NEUTERING, AND THAT'S $100 FINE

PER BALL.

>> SAYS WHO?

>> Jon: SAYS NEW YORK'S NEW DOG

MAYOR, THAT'S WHO.

>> MAN, GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

ASSHOLE.

>> Jon: H-HEY, MAN.

THIS IS, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT...

>> I KNOW.

LISTEN, UM...

>> Jon: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

I'M GETTING DESPERATE HERE.

>> I MAY HAVE A FEW CORPORATE

CONNECTIONS THAT MAY HELP YOU.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH?

>> I'LL GIVE THEM A CALL.

>> NOW, MIGHTY JOE JON, THE

BLACK BLOND, INFORMS ME THAT

THERE'S A PROBLEM THAT YOU ARE

TRYING TO ELIMINATE, AND YOU

NEED TO RAISE SOME CAPITAL.

NOW, IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR

ENDORSEMENT, WE MIGHT BE ABLE

TO...COVER THE COST OF THAT.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, BOBBY, UH, IT

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE...

WE HAVE A DEAL.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

>> THAT'S WONDERFUL!

WELL, LET'S CELEBRATE!

>> Jon: SURE.

>> LOOK AT THIS -- DOGNIP CIGAR.

RIGHT OFF THE LINE.

>> Jon: OH, YES.

I'LL SAMPLE THE PRODUCTS.

WHY NOT?

BEFORE WE GIVE IT TO OUR

FOUR-LEGGED FRIENDS.

WHY SHOULD CATS BE THE ONLY ONES

TO HAVE ALL THE FUN, RIGHT?

>> EXACTLY.

>> Jon: HERE WE GO. MM.

ALL RIGHT. OH, YEAH.

THERE WE GO.

YEAH.

>> TAKE IT DEEP.

>> Narrator: NICE.

MM.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S NICE.

REAL NICE.

REAL NICE. MM.

[ EXHALES ]

OH, UH, GET THIS -- TURNS OUT

THE MIRMINSKYS DIDN'T KILL MY

DOG.

YOU WANT TO JAM ON THAT FOR A

BIT?

JAM IT, MAN.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN PROBABLY DO

IT -- DO IT OLD-HAT FOR YOU.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

>> THAT WAS THE SHOCKING

SURVEILLANCE TAPE THAT'S BEEN

CIRCULATING ON THE INTERNET OF

FORMER HERO AND NOW DISGRACED

DOG MAYOR JON GETTING BUSTED

FOR SMOKING DOGNIP.

WE'RE GOING LIVE NOW TO A PRESS

CONFERENCE.

>> Jon: I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO

APOLOGIZE TO MY CONSTITUENTS FOR

LYING TO THEM.

HOWEVER, YOU SHOULD KNOW IT WAS

MY DAD WHO LIED TO ME FIRST,

WHICH CAUSED ME TO LIE TO YOU,

SO IT'S HIS FAULT.

AND IF YOU WANT TO BE PISSED OFF

AT ANYONE, BE PISSED OFF AT HIM,

'CAUSE HE DESERVES IT.

IN ANY CASE, ALL I CAN OFFER IS

MY CONTRITION, MY RESIGNATION,

AND MY IMMEDIATE RETURN OF THE

LEASH TO THE CITY.

THAT IS ALL. THANK YOU.

>> WHAT A MONTH.

I'M SORRY THAT IT DID NOT WORK

OUT AS DOG MAYOR.

BUT I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH?

>> YEAH.

IT'S THE NUMBER 32, OR WHAT I

LIKE TO CALL "THE HAM-CHURIAN

CANDIDATE."

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

A BRAND-NEW SANDWICH.

>> IN HONOR OF YOUR SHORT-LIVED

POLITICAL CAREER.

>> Jon: IT IS...STUNNING.

I'M HONORED.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: WOW.

MMM.

MMM.

THE CRACK OF THE CRUST, THE

TASTE OF THE MUST...ARD.

MUSTARD DOING BACKFLIPS ON MY

TONGUE.

FLIPPITY FLOPPITY, TIPPITY

TOPPITY.

TASTE, DON'T STOPPITY.

TOO MUCH TASTE.

HASTE MAKES TASTE.

NONE GOES TO WASTE WHEN I'M

CHEWING, WHEN I'M DOING.

MMM. DON'T STOP THE FLAVOR.

THE FLAVOR WAVE -- WAVE-FLAV.