Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...

AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY

SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

>> I'M JUST GLAD THAT CARS DON'T

RUN ON VODKA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jon: I'M JON, BY THE WAY.

>> KIM.

OH, I'M DIVORCED.

>> Jon: KIND OF GOING THROUGH

THE SAME THING.

>> OH.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

>> Jon: OH, OH. MMM.

GOT ME A GIRLFRIEND.

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> OHH. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT

GONNA SEE YOU FOR A WHOLE WEEK.

>> Jon: OH, DON'T REMIND ME.

OHH!

GOING TO COSTA RICA FOR YOGA --

I DON'T GET IT.

>> I TOLD YOU -- I GO EVERY YEAR

WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS.

IT'S AN AMAZING RETREAT.

>> Jon: "I GO EVERY YEAR WITH

THE RETREAT."

I KNOW, BUT, I MEAN, DON'T LEAVE

ME.

DON'T GO.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

>> Jon: OH.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: DO TELL.

>> IT'S, UM...

IT'S A PLASTER MOLD OF MY HAND,

SO NOW YOU CAN HOLD MY HAND

WHILE I'M AWAY.

>> Jon: KIM, I-I LOVE IT.

>> [ Laughing ] OH!

>> Jon: IT'S AMAZING.

[ ALARM BEEPING ]

[ BEEPING STOPS ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> Mike: HEY, THERE HE IS.

I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR A LITTLE

CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST.

>> Jon: YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T THINK I'M REALLY TOO

HUNGRY.

>> Mike: UH, I DON'T THINK YOU

HEARD ME CORRECTLY.

I'M MAKING CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST.

>> Jon: OH, NO, I HEARD YOU LOUD

AND CLEAR, MIKE.

YOU'RE MAKING YOUR WORLD-FAMOUS

CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST.

MAYBE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME WHEN I

SAID I'M NOT HUNGRY.

OKAY?

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ CLATTERING ]

>> Mike: I KNOW YOU'RE SAD

'CAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S OUT OF

TOWN, BUT YOU DO NOT TAKE THAT

OUT ON ME.

SORRY I TRIED TO BE NICE!

[ SIGHS ]

HI, MA.

JUST, UH, HAVING A BAD MORNING.

HE YELLED AT ME.

NO, I TRIED MAKING IT.

I TRIED MAKING IT, BUT HE

YELLED.

THAT'S WHEN HE JUST YELLED AT

ME.

MOM, I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE

ANYMORE.

WELL, I WANT TO COME HOME, WORK

IN THE HARDWARE STORE.

I SHOULD GO.

I SHOULD -- UH, THANK YOU.

>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> GUARD, TAKE ME BACK MY CELL.

THIS NOT MY SON.

>> [ CRYING ]

[ BUZZER ]

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

[ BABY CRYING ]

>> Shh!

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Shh!

STOP. RELAX.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

Shh!

GO TO SLEEP. GO TO SLEEP.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

SORRY TO PLOP DOWN NEXT TO YOU

WITH A CRYING BABY.

I JUST -- I JUST NEED A BREAK.

>> Jon: NO PROBLEM.

I'M IN, UH, KIND OF A SAD MOOD

MYSELF.

>> OH.

>> Jon: I WISH I HAD SOMEONE

PUSHING ME AROUND LIKE THAT.

UM, HI. UH, STROLLER COMPANY?

[ CRYING STOPS ]

YES, DO YOU MAKE ADULT-SIZED

STROLLERS?

NO? WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'D BUY ONE.

>> OH, MY GOSH.

HE'S ASLEEP.

>> Jon: WELL, THERE YOU GO.

>> THIS MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT I

THINK YOUR VOICE DID IT.

>> Jon: WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT

THAT.

>> YOU SHOULD MAKE A CD.

I KNOW A TON OF MOMS WHO'D WANT

TO BUY IT.

>> THIS IS "NAPPING SOUNDS WITH

JON," TAKE 1.

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "NAPPING

SOUNDS WITH JON."

GOT A LOT OF TIRED BABIES OUT

THERE, SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TOLD I'VE

GOT A VERY SOOTHING VOICE, SO

DON'T TRY TO FIGHT IT.

THINK OF MY VOICE AS A FIST AND

THINK OF YOU TRYING TO STAY

AWAKE AS THE FACE.

AND THINK OF THAT FIST PUNCHING

THAT FACE RIGHT IN THE FACE...

[ Echoing ] OVER AND OVER AND

OVER AGAIN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Normal voice ] FASTEN YOUR

WEIRD BELTS FOR THAT ONE, 'CAUSE

THE ONLY PLACE YOU'RE GONNA SEE

SOMETHING LIKE THAT IS IN A TOWN

CALLED "WEIRDVILLE."

NOT GONNA FIND THAT ANYWHERE ON

A MAP.

YEAH, WAITRESS, I'LL TAKE A TUNA

MELT -- HOLD THE WEIRD.

COMES ON THE SIDE.

IN CASE YOU COULDN'T FIGURE IT

OUT, I WAS PRETENDING TO BE IN

A DINER RIGHT NOW, ORDERING

FOOD.

I KNEW THAT.

KNOW WHAT THEY CALL A DINER IN

WEIRDVILLE?

THEY CALL IT A WEIRD.

KNOW WHAT THEY CALL FOOD IN

WEIRDVILLE?

THEY CALL IT "FOOD."

SOUNDS GOOD.

IF, AT THIS POINT IN THE ALBUM,

YOU'RE LISTENING AND YOUR KID'S

STILL AWAKE...

NO WAY, JOSE.

...YOU BRING THE CD BACK -- YOU

GET YOUR MONEY BACK.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL A BARGAIN.

THAT'S THE JON GUARANTEE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Mike: CONGRATULATIONS ON THE

CD.

CHEERS.

>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M VERY EXCITED.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

>> Mike: MM.

OH, THAT'S MY MOM.

I GOT TO TAKE THIS.

>> Jon: NO PROBLEM.

I'M GONNA BE OVER HERE IN

BREADTOWN.

OH, HI.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND THERE YOU GO.

[ Laughing ] NO. NO.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DIP THE

BREAD, NOT YOURSELF.

HERE. LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

HERE.

MMM. MM-MMM.

[ SMOOCHES ]

MMM.

>> Susan: JON?

>> Jon: SUSAN, HI.

>> Susan: HI.

DO YOU REMEMBER CHRIS?

>> Jon: YEAH, MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

>> Susan: UM, HAVING DINNER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Jon: UH, I AM HAVING DINNER

WITH MIKE.

WE'RE CELEBRATING --

>> Susan: WHAT'S WITH THE HAND?

>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?

>> Susan: THE HAND YOU WERE JUST

MAKING OUT WITH.

>> Jon: IT'S A PLASTER MOLD OF

MY GIRLFRIEND'S HAND.

I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

>> Susan: WOW.

>> Jon: YEAH.

>> Susan: [ INHALES DEEPLY ]

SO, IT WAS NICE SEEING YOU.

>> Jon: GREAT SEEING YOU GUYS.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

>> Susan: THANKS.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

OH, BOY.

[ LOCK DISENGAGES ]

>> HELLO?

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

JON? MIKE?

>> Jon: [ LAUGHING ]

A 12-MINUTE MILE IS MY PERSONAL

BEST EVER.

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT TOMORROW YOU WERE

COMING BACK.

>> I CAME BACK TODAY, AND YOU

WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP.

>> Jon: SWEETIE, COME HERE.

I'M SORRY.

COME HERE.

OH, I'M SO SORRY.

SERIOUSLY, KIM...

THANK YOU FOR THIS.

THIS WAS THE DIFFERENCE-MAKER

FOR ME THIS WEEK.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN, LIKE -- I

WOULD HAVE BEEN A WRECK WITHOUT

IT, AND I BARELY MISSED YOU

WHILE YOU WERE GONE, SO THANK

YOU.

BOOP!

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME GRAB A SHOWER, AND THEN

ME, YOU, AND MIKE -- WE'LL,

UH -- WE'LL GO OUT, JUST THE

THREE OF US -- NO, THE FOUR OF

US -- FOR DINNER.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> Mike: DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE

YOU SOME CHALLAH FRENCH TOAST?

>> NOT RIGHT NOW, MIKE!

>> Mike: IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

>> DOES THIS COME IN OTHER

COLOR?

[ BABY CRYING ]

>> Jon: THANK YOU, MIKE.

WHOA, NOT BAD.

PRETTY GOOD TURNOUT.

>> UM...WHAT IS THAT DOING HERE?

>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> WHY IS MY HAND HERE?

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

>> THE BIG DEAL IS THAT I'M

BACK AND YOU'RE STILL USING IT

AND IT'S WEIRD.

>> Jon: IT'S YOURS, AND YOU MADE

IT FOR ME.

IT'D BE LIKE IF I WENT ON A TRIP

AND I MADE A PLASTER MOLD OF MY

PENIS AND GAVE IT TO YOU AND

THEN I GOT BACK FROM MY TRIP AND

YOU KEPT USING IT AS A KEYCHAIN

OR A PAPERWEIGHT OR SOMETHING.

>> OF YOUR PENIS?

>> Jon: YEAH, A PLASTER MOLD.

[ BABIES CRYING ]

>> IS THIS ON?

NOT ON. OKAY. ONE SECOND.

[ CLICKS ]

[ FEEDBACK WHINES ]

NOW IT'S ON. HI.

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME OUR NEWEST

BEST FRIEND AND FAVORITE LULLABY

PIED PIPER, "JON."

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: OKAY, UH, THANK YOU,

MOMS AND DAD.

LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.

[ CLICKS ]

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

THERE WE GO.

I SEE A LOT OF EYELIDS

FLUTTERING CLOSED.

HUSH, HUSH, LITTLE BABY.

DON'T SAY A WORD...

'CAUSE JON'S GONNA BUY YOU A

MOCKINGWEIRD.

[ BABY LAUGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S THE WEIRD VERSION OF A --

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> OH, NO!

[ BABIES CRYING ]

>> Mike: SHOTS FIRED IN THE

BOOKSTORE.

I'M IN PURSUIT.

[ CRYING CONTINUES ]

>> Jon: KIM!

KIM!

KIM, THEY SHOT THE HAND!

>> ARE YOU OKAY?!

ARE YOU HURT?!

>> Jon: THEY SHOT THE HAND!

THEY SHOT IT!

IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE!

[ Crying ] IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE!

I'M GONNA PUT IT TOGETHER.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY!

[ SOBBING ]

OH, NO!

IT'S GONE.

OH, NO!

WHY DON'T YOU SHOOT ME NEXT

TIME?

>> STOP IT.

>> Jon: SHOOT ME NEXT TIME!

>> STOP IT.

>> Jon: OHH, WHY?!

[ EXHALES SLOWLY ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

* KIM'S HAND

* KIM'S HAND

* PRETTIEST HAND IN ALL THE

LAND *

* USED TO BE FAKIN'

* NOW IT'S REAL AGAIN

* TALKING 'BOUT MY LADY'S HAND

[ RECORDER SOLO ]