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JON:
[ distorted ]
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What happens when you take a
family
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00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,738
from the witness protection
program...
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move them to New York City...
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and give them their own reality
show?
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* Da-da-da-da, do-do
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JON:
Previously, on "Delocated"...
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since it's a color machine, I
got to charge you.
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[bleep] Learn how to read.
Come on!
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You think I like speaking to you
like this?
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JON :
Seems like you do.
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00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:28,402
* Love to be my own boss
* Take a vacation every day
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* If I want to
* You can't tell me what to do
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[ imitates electric guitar ]
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* That's not supposed to be in
here *
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* Neither is that da da da
Hi.
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JON:
Hello.
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Come on in.
Yeah, we're open.
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What -- what is this?
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JON:
This is called the Rage Cage.
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And it's a place where you pay
money to smash things.
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Someone's already been here, as
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you can see -- did a pretty
bang-up job.
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Ka-boom.
Cool.
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How much does it cost?
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JON:
Uh, it's only $5 a minute.
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And that -- here's how we do
this.
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Vroom! Card flying in!
[ laughter ]
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This is the Rage Cage card.
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Every time you come in, you get
it clipped.
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10th one is free, and that
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includes a kick in the old
[ horn blows ]
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Okay, um... i'll take 20
minutes.
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JON:
Oh, um, yeah, all right. Okay.
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JON:
All right.
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Looking good.
The floor is yours.
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I'm nervous.
[ laughs ]
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JON:
Go for it.
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[ screaming ]
[ laughs ]
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[ screaming ]
[ laughs ]
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JON:
Whoo! Yeah!
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That was awesome!
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JON:
Hey, buddy.
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Two-minute warning.
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Try the moped.
[ laughs ]
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JON:
All right.
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I just -- that was so awesome. I
can't thank you enough.
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JON:
No problem.
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Oops! Whoops! Oh! Oh! Whoa,
what are you doing, hand?
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What are you doing, hole punch?
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Next one's free.
Yay!
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Wow. I got to say it was, like,
way more relaxing than yoga,
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taking a baseball bat to a
garbage can,
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pretending it's my ex-husband's
face.
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JON:
Oh.
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Oh, I'm divorced, so...
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JON:
Oh, no.
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No problem. I can relate. I'm
kind of -- kind of going
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through the same thing...
Oh.
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JON:
...right now.
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Um, if you don't mind me asking,
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What's his name?
Neal.
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JON:
Neal?
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Neal.
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JON:
He sounds like a dick.
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He is a dick.
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JON:
What?
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He's a dick.
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JON:
Yeah, that's what I was saying.
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Oh. So, how did you come up with
the store?
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JON:
It's actually a mildly
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embarrassing story, but i'll
share it.
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00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:10,161
Sitting in the park, minding my
own business.
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I'm wearing this dynamite pair
of slacks.
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I just bought them, had them
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creased, was so psyched to be
wearing them.
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Some idiot spills his drink all
over my pants.
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And I just lost my cool.
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And it's just one of these
moments where you're so mad and
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you have nothing to just, you
know, grab and just throw, and I
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just had nothing I could do.
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I just felt like there has to be
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a place where you can go and
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just have something to throw or
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whatever, so that's essentially
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00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:45,633
where Rage Cage -- that's how I
thought of it.
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Love the name "Rage Cage."
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JON:
Oh, well, that is a
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coincidence, because I love the
name "Kim."
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Oh.
[ both chuckle ]
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That's my name.
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00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:06,781
Um...can you take your -- just
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take your hand off my scone?
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JON:
Oh, sorry.
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I was just kidding.
Just was a joke.
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00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,522
JON:
I was gonna say, that
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was -- man.
You're so easy.
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00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,796
And what's not a joke -- this is
for you.
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JON:
Oh, thank you.
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00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,595
I don't like scones.
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MIKE:
So, how are things with
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you and Kim?
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I mean, you guys seem to be
getting pretty serious.
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JON:
I mean, I know it's only
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been a few weeks, but things are
great.
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00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,905
I mean, tonight, i'm going to
meet her family.
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It's her dad's birthday.
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00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,219
MIKE:
Wow, that's a big step.
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JON:
Big step.
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Here's how I feel.
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Kim is just creative and fun in
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ways Susan never was, you know?
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It's like when she found out I
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liked mexican food and she made
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me that tortilla blanket.
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Who does that?
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She's awesome.
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MIKE:
I don't think I even
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told you this.
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00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,598
The other day, I found a smiley
face drawn on my earpiece.
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00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,067
And I know it was Kim.
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She knows how to keep things
light.
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JON:
Keeping it light...
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is out of sight.
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What are you guys talking about?
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JON:
Um, uh, we're talking
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about you, honeybunch.
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[ clears throat ]
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uh-oh.
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Um.
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[ clears throat ]
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[ laughter ]
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00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:28,632
Even though I don't love you...
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and I certainly don't love you
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enough to want to get married...
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00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:35,796
I still want you to be my
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exclusive girlfriend and promise
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me that, even though you're
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gonna fantasize about other
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00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,412
dudes, and, you know, it's like
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00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,954
you can't get over the top with
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the orgasm and you got to go to
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00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:47,523
your go-to guy -- maybe it's,
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00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,218
like, your old high-school
boyfriend.
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00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:51,049
Whoever you do that thing with,
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you know, just promise me you'll
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never take him to the bone zone
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for real -- just me.
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00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:01,734
That's it?
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00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:02,732
JON:
Mm-hmm.
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00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:03,433
Okay.
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I promise.
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00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,631
JON:
Yes!
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00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:06,626
[ laughter ]
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00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:09,137
Got me a girlfriend.
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00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,939
Hi.
Over there -- hey!
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JON:
Hey, how's it going?
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00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:13,213
I'm Jon.
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00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:13,840
Hi, Jon.
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JON:
Nice to meet you.
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00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:15,742
This is Jon.
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00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:16,436
Hi, Jon.
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Jon:
It's my pleasure.
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How are you?
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That's my brother.
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That's Brian.
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JON:
Hey, Brian.
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00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,584
Here, I got some t-shirts for
everybody.
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00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,446
Here's one for dad and mom, and
here's some for you guys.
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Now everyone has one.
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JON:
More importantly for me
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is i'm my own boss.
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Whoa, hello!
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Come sit on Santa's lap.
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00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,327
[ laughs ]
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00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:38,472
Let's get the party going.
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00:06:38,466 --> 00:06:39,596
Talk to him.
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00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,643
Just make him feel welcome.
I mean...
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JON:
Hey, big Bri.
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Yeah.
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00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:45,938
JON: What is up, man?
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Finally -- I've heard so much
about you.
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00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,010
JON:
So, Brian, what do you
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00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,581
do for a living, if you don't
mind me asking?
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00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,210
Uh, I sell siding.
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00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,714
JON:
Oh, you do?
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00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,376
My first sales job.
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00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,522
JON:
Oh, you don't own it?
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00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,350
No, no, no, no, no.
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JON:
Oh, Brian, what are you
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00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:00,623
doing, man?
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00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:02,094
I'm getting there, dude.
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00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,562
I'm totally working -- like,
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00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:05,061
there's a spot opening up for
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00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,362
regional sales directors.
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00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:08,703
JON: Pbht! Boring!
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00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,329
Flash-forward to five years --
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00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:11,533
"I'm getting there."
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00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,165
flash-forward five years after
200
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,740
that -- "I'm getting there."
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00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:15,938
you're a little older.
202
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,369
Flash-forward after that --
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00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,514
"I'm getting there."
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00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:19,509
flash-forward to your
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00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,740
deathbed -- [ weakly ] "Oh, I
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00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,745
guess I didn't get there. Ohh."
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00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,378
[ normal voice ] you're dead.
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00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:28,584
See what i'm saying?
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00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:30,576
Stop being a little bitch.
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00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:31,818
Quit your job.
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00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:33,692
Start your own business.
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00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,521
[ snaps fingers ]
Bam.
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00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,693
Okay, here comes the cake.
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00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:41,795
This thing's pretty heavy with
all these candles.
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00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:42,899
Oh, nice.
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00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:43,900
[ cheers and applause ]
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00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:48,641
* It's another anderson family
birthday *
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00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,339
* we're having a good time
219
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,040
* we're having a good time
220
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,372
JON:
Whoa, whoa, hey,
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00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,776
everybody, let's hold up.
222
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,238
Whoa, let's hold up for a
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00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:57,546
second.
224
00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:00,045
Um, sorry to cut off the song,
but I do want to make a quick
225
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,820
speech before we get into the
cake and all that.
226
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,590
I just wanted to tell everybody
the story of how kim and I met,
227
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,349
'cause I knew everyone was gonna
ask.
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00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,717
And rather than go from, like,
relative to cousin to
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00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:13,357
uncle to aunt to whatever, we do
it all at once.
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00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:16,903
So I made a little dvd I want to
share.
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00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,370
Kim, I didn't tell you about
this.
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00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:21,868
And, uh, this is how you and I,
uh, met.
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00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:25,712
Oh, and mike did the graphics --
my federal agent. Oh.
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00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:26,809
JON:
Way to go, Mike.
235
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,110
Yay, Mike.
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00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,181
>> JON:
Guess he's taking a
237
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,679
little tinkle.
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00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,753
[ harp glissando ]
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00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:37,722
Yo, hey, everyone.
It's me, Jon.
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00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:42,261
And welcome to the story of how
Kim and I met.
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00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:43,589
She was just, like, whaling
away...
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00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:44,931
That's true.
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00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:45,958
JON:
...just going crazy.
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00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:46,833
It was amazing.
245
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,830
And that now goes by the name of
Neal.
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00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:49,862
[ boing! ]
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00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:51,127
[ laughter ]
248
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:52,604
...thought it was so attractive
249
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:53,873
how open Kim was about her
250
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:55,201
divorce, 'cause i'm sort of
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going through the same thing
252
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:57,204
right now.
253
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,067
Coffee turned into dinner.
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00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:00,906
Dinner turned into drinks.
255
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:01,681
Yep.
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00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,939
JON:
And I walked kim home.
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00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:08,047
I decided to go for it, and I
leaned in and kissed her.
258
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,851
And she kissed me back.
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00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:10,623
Jon.
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00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:11,448
JON:
We were all like, you
261
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,294
know...
Okay, that's enough.
262
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,460
Let's just turn it off.
263
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,358
JON:
Kim was all like, "oh,
264
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,260
i'm so wet."
265
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,091
Jon, please.
266
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,626
JON:
And I was like, "oh, my
267
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,728
hose is about to explode." >>
turn it off.
268
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,433
Come on.
We can turn this off.
269
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:25,634
JON:
That's when I took her
270
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,336
to a little place I like to call
the bone zone.
271
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:29,698
[ funky music plays ]
272
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:30,337
[ laughs ]
273
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:31,640
Oh, yeah!
274
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:32,912
You're freakin' dead.
275
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:33,970
You're out of here.
276
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,077
You are out of here.
277
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:35,778
No, no, no.
278
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:36,479
Come on.
279
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,849
You and me -- we're gonna go.
280
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,208
What do you think of that?
281
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,046
JON:
I think it's
282
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:40,810
take-a-chump time.
283
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:42,848
Brian! Brian!
284
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,393
JON:
Mike! Mike!
285
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,348
Mike!
286
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,656
Brian!
287
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,285
[ screaming ]
288
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:56,262
[ laughter ]
289
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:57,796
Oh, my god.
290
00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:02,401
JON:
Oh, yes. Yes.
291
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,765
Brother, Mike!
292
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,336
JON:
Sweetie pie, what's up?
293
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:11,244
Um...i didn't think you were
coming by tonight.
294
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:15,318
Uh, what -- what is going on
here?
295
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,978
What are you guys doing?
296
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:18,587
JON:
We're, uh, playing cards.
297
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:23,658
And the -- you're showing them a
video of my brother?
298
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:24,761
JON:
I'm just showing
299
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:25,892
something that happened.
300
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:28,096
It's like -- that's like getting
mad at the news.
301
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,298
The news?!
302
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:30,759
Close your mouth.
303
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:33,468
JON:
Sweetie pie -- shut up.
304
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,200
You destroyed a family.
305
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:42,635
[ baby crying ]
306
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,436
Well, I don't know if this
307
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,307
particular tape was necessary.
308
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,276
But, Kim, I have to say, I don't
309
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,975
see anything wrong with Jon
310
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,787
showing the other tape at his
card game.
311
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:57,460
The graphics were a little much,
but I don't think he betrayed
312
00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,790
your trust like at your father's
birthday party.
313
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:03,628
JON:
Well, well...don't.
314
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,031
JON:
...In your face.
315
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,625
Faced.
316
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:07,474
Facial.
317
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,140
[ door opens ]
318
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,238
Face-off, center ice.
319
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:10,800
[ door closes ]
320
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:11,738
knock, knock.
321
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:12,469
Who's there?
322
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,465
In your face.
323
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,306
* Rain, rain, go away
324
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:18,182
* come back in your face
325
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:21,751
* It's another Anderson family
birthday *
326
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:26,749
* so come and take a bow
327
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:28,764
[ cheering ]
21667
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