Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] MY NAME'S

JON.

I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM.

THE RUSSIAN MOB WANTS ME DEAD,

THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS

MURDERED, BUT, HEY, THIS COOL,

SINGLE DAD'S STILL GOT TO LIVE

LIFE.

OWW!

TONIGHT ON "DELOCATED!"...

>> HEY, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO

THE FIRST EVER "DELOCATED!"

REUNION SPECIAL.

MY NAME'S JOHN HODGMAN.

I'M REALLY EXCITED TO BE YOUR

HOST TONIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA LOOK BACK AT SOME OF

THE MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS FROM

THE PAST FEW SEASONS, CHECK OUT

SOME CRAZY CLIPS THAT YOU'VE

NEVER SEEN BEFORE, AND, OF

COURSE, TALK TO OUR CAST ABOUT

WHAT THEY WERE THINKING AND

FEELING ALONG THE WAY.

IT'S GREAT TO SEE ALL OF YOU

TOGETHER AGAIN.

>> IT'S FUN TO BE HERE.

>> AWESOME. GREAT.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S KICK THIS OFF.

>> HEY, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M

SUCH A HUGE FAN.

>> OH. THANK YOU, JAY.

APPRECIATE THAT.

>> I LOVED YOU IN "BABY MAMA."

>> GREAT. OKAY.

OFF TO THE RACES.

SO, LET'S KICK THINGS OFF BY

GOING STRAIGHT TO THE END.

SEASON FINALE SAW MISHKA RATTING

OUT THE MIRMINSKYS, BUSTING THE

WANG CHOS.

JON'S CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE THE

WHOLE TIME.

IT'S COMPELLING TELEVISION, TO

SAY THE LEAST.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE A LOOK AT THE

CLIP.

>> Jon: YOU GUYS GIVE UP MISHKA,

MAYBE THROW IN SOME DRUGS, I

GUARANTEE YOU A TRUCE WITH THE

CHOS.

>> THIS TRUCE WILL SPARE MY

LIFE, YOUR LIFE.

MISHKA MUST DIE.

>> YOU WANT TO TESTIFY AGAINST

THE MIRMINSKY FAMILY.

>> YES.

>> AND YOU'RE WILLING TO WEAR A

WIRE?

>> THE BRIEFCASE OF DRUGS.

I'VE MADE HAND OFF TO YOU.

[ SIRENS WAIL ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> JON, YOU'RE AT THE SCENE OF A

MAJOR DRUG BUST.

TAKE HIM.

>> Jon: NOT COOL, GREG!

>> MISHKA, TALK TO ME ABOUT

THIS.

>> WELL, THEY TRIED TO SET ME

UP, BUT I TURN TABLES ON THEM

AND I SET THEIR TABLE.

>> ALL RIGHT. WOW.

ANYONE WANT TO JUMP IN HERE?

>> YOU ARE A DEAD MAN NOW,

MISHKA.

>> OH, BOY.

OKAY, IS THAT -- IS THAT OVER?

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EXCITING

CLIMAX TO THE SEASON.

>> OKAY, JAY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Jon: SHUT UP, JAY.

ALSO, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

>> IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A REUNION

SHOW WITH EVERYONE.

>> Jon: GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF

HERE, JAY.

>> JUST FOR THE RECORD, SUSAN

ASKED ME TO BE HERE.

>> Jon: OH, THANKS FOR THE

INFORMATION.

[BLEEP] OFF!

>> YOU'RE MEAN.

>> WELL, THAT'S, UH --

>> Jon: ALL THE WAY, JAY!

OUT THE DOOR!

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> AN ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE TO HIM!

>> Jon: SHUT UP, MISHKA!

>> WELL, JON, NOW YOU'RE IN THE

SPOTLIGHT.

IT WOULD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT TO

SAY THAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A

LOT THESE PAST FEW SEASONS,

RIGHT?

>> Jon: UH, YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHERE DO I BEGIN?

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WELL, WHY DON'T WE START WITH

THE BRUTAL MURDER OF YOUR

EX-WIFE, SUSAN?

TALK ABOUT THAT.

HER DEATH.

>> Jon: IT WAS VERY HARD.

SHE LEFT ME. WE GOT DIVORCED.

SHE BONED ALL MY BODYGUARDS,

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, IN THE END,

IT'S HARD TO COMPLAIN.

I GOT A FEW SYMPATHY BONES OUT

OF IT ON MY END.

ALSO GOT SOME SYMPATHY CRABS.

>> I LOVE SEAFOOD.

>> JON, TELL US HOW YOU FELT THE

MOMENT YOU LEARNED THAT SUSAN

WAS DEAD, HAD BEEN MURDERED.

>> Jon: IT'S NOT SOMETHING I

REALLY CARE TO TALK ABOUT.

>> WELL, LOOK.

WE NEVER SAW IT ON CAMERA.

>> Jon: EXACTLY.

THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASON THAT

YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THAT CLIP, AND

THAT IS BECAUSE IT IS A VERY

PRIVATE MOMENT THAT I DO NOT

WISH TO SHARE.

THIS IS SOMETHING YOU AND I

TALKED ABOUT -- THAT WE WOULD

NOT SHOW THIS MOMENT.

>> THIS SHOW IS ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

THIS IS PART OF YOUR LIFE.

THEREFORE, IT'S GOING TO BE PART

OF THE SHOW.

SO, OTHER JOHN...

>> LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> JON!

>> Jon: NOT RIGHT NOW, T.B.

>> JON, IT'S IMPORTANT.

>> Jon: T.B., WHAT THE [BLEEP]

MAN?

>> IT'S SUSAN.

SHE'S BEEN SHOT.

SHE'S DEAD.

I'M SORRY, JON.

>> Jon: [ CRYING ]

OH, MY GOD.

SHE'S DEAD?

>> I'M SORRY.

>> Jon: [ Crying ] OH, MY GOD.

OH, GOD! SUSAN!

NO! OH, MY GOD!

>> UTTER HUMAN DEGRADATION.

THAT'S REALLY DEPRESSING.

BUT, HEY, YOU BOUNCED BACK.

YOU'VE MOVED ON WITH YOUR LIFE

NICELY.

YOU'RE DATING THIS SEASON.

YOU HAD AN AFFAIR WITH TRISH,

AND, OF COURSE, YOU'RE IN A

RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LOVELY

EUN MI.

>> Jon: WELL, LET'S JUST SAY I

AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT FIRST

CONJUGAL VISIT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> AND EUN MI?

>> I DON'T REALLY GET TO SEE JON

AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE.

IT'S -- IT'S BEEN REALLY HARD.

I'VE BEEN REALLY BUSY.

>> YEAH.

WE KNOW YOU'VE BEEN BUSY.

>> Jon: SPENDING ME MILLIONS.

>> WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME FOOTAGE

OF JUST HOW BUSY YOU'VE BEEN.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> Jon: ROLL THE SHOPPING

MONTAGE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WOW.

I'M SURE IT TOOK YOU BY

SURPRISE, JON.

HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL?

>> Jon: LIKE A [BLEEP] ASSHOLE.

>> MMM-HMM.

>> JON, I'M SO SORRY.

>> I'M REALLY SORRY, TOO.

I MEAN, I FEEL RUDDY AWFUL.

BUT IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

SHE'S HAPPIER NOW THAN SHE'S

EVER BEEN IN HER LIFE.

>> AWKWARD.

>> JON, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE

SENSE OF HORRIBLE BETRAYAL YOU

FEEL NOW.

UTTERLY ABANDONED.

I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT, JON -- AS

OF THIS MOMENT, YOU ARE

COMPLETELY ALONE IN THE WORLD.

AND YOU'RE IN PRISON.

ANYWAY, YVGENY AND TRISH.

HEY, GUYS!

>> HI.

>> HOW ARE YOU?

>> GREAT.

>> YVGENY, YOUR BROTHER TOOK THE

FALL FOR YOU, ALLOWING YOU TO

STAY OUT OF JAIL, AND, I GOT TO

SAY, THAT WAS ONE OF THE MORE

POIGNANT MOMENTS OF THE ENTIRE

SEASON.

TELL ME ABOUT THAT.

>> I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HONOR

THAT GESTURE BY LIVING A LIFE OF

FREEDOM TO THE FULLEST EXTENT --

DOING THE SORT OF THINGS I

WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO IF I WAS

STUCK IN PRISON FOR THE REST OF

MY LIFE LIKE SERGEI.

>> WHAT -- WHAT KIND OF THINGS?

>> UH, LAST MONTH WE WENT TO

CABO, AND, I MEAN, WE, LIKE,

JUST GOT BACK FROM CANCUN.

LIKE, WE CAME FROM THE AIRPORT

HERE.

LIKE, I STILL HAVE SAND IN MY

SHOES.

BUT WE WERE THERE FOR LIKE TWO

WEEKS, AND, HONESTLY, I THINK I

LIKE CABO MORE, YOU KNOW?

>> YVGENY, I KNOW YOU HAVE

SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT TO SAY

TO YOUR BROTHER.

AND I THINK HERE ON THIS SHOW IS

THE APPROPRIATE FORUM.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I CAN

REPAY YOU, SERGEI, FOR WHAT YOU

DID FOR ME, BUT THE LEAST I

COULD DO TO SHOW YOU HOW

GRATEFUL I AM --

KNOCK, KNOCK WHO'S THERE VODKA

BRAND VODKA IS RELEASING A

LIMITED-EDITION SERGEI BOTTLE.

IT COMES OUT TODAY, AND I

BROUGHT YOU ONE.

AND HERE YOU ARE, SMILING

BECAUSE I LOVE TO SEE YOU SMILE.

>> IT'S A GREAT SMILE.

>> SO, YOU SEE, IT'S NOT ALL

DOOM AND GLOOM HERE ON

"DELOCATED!"

AND TO PROVE THE POINT, LOOK NO

FURTHER THAN GREG DIPIETRO, HEAD

OF THE FBI OFFICE HERE IN

NEW YORK CITY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, TO TALK TO SOME

PEOPLE ON THE SHOW, GREG, I BET

THEY'D TELL YOU A BETTER NAME

FOR IT WOULD BE THE

FLOSSING BUREAU OF

INVESTIGATION.

>> OH, GEEZ.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, RIGHT?

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> OH, NO.

[ SQUEAKING ]

[ SPROING! ]

[ SQUEAKING ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

[ SCREAMING ]

[ GUNSHOTS ]

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> WE GOT A BREAK OUT AT

LOCATION ALPHA-BRAVO.

AGENTS DOWN.

JON, SERGEI, AND QIQANG ARE ON

THE MOVE.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

IT WAS SO EXCITING.

>> YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?

>> YEAH, I'M OKAY.

>> THEY SHOT JOHN HODGMAN!

JOHN!

HE'S DEAD!

OH, JOHN!

YOU WERE FANTASTIC ON

"THE DAILY SHOW" AND "BABY MAMA"

AND THE HBO SHOW

"BORED TO DEATH."

LET'S NOT FORGET, HE PLAYED THE

FATHER IN "CORALINE 3D"!

AND HE WAS A SMALL PART IN

"BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"!

ONE EPISODE!

HE EVEN WAS IN "ARTHUR," THE

REMAKE!

WHY DID THEY REMAKE IT?!

>> [BLEEP] I'VE BEEN SHOT!

I WAS IN "BORED TO DEATH," ALSO.

>> WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WE GO TO LUNCH?

>> MISHKA!

EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU

LOVE SWEEPING UP AROUND THE

RUSSIAN SOCIAL CLUB, SO WE MADE

A CLIP OF YOU SWEEPING TO THE

BEAT.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.

THE SHOW'S OVER, ALL RIGHT?

LET'S GET HIM TO THE GREEN ROOM.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY!

SHUT HER DOWN!

>> Jon: * OH, YEAH

* IT'S A PRISON BREAK

* COME ON, IT'S A PRISON BREAK

* OH, YEAH

* IT'S A PRISON BREAK

* COME ON, IT'S A PRISON BREAK

* IT'S A PRISON BREAK

[ IMITATES DRUM SOLO ]

GET THE CROWD LIKE, "OH, YEAH,

IT'S A PRISON BREAK.

COME ON, IT'S A PRISON BREAK."

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I JUST HAD A THOUGHT.

SINCE I HAVE AN IN AT THE

NETWORK, MAYBE WE CAN PITCH THIS

AS A SHOW.

CALL IT LIKE "BREAK BUDS" OR

"BUDS ON THE RUN" OR SOMETHING.

>> QUIET!

>> WHERE ARE WE GOING?

>> SOMEWHERE SAFE.

WE CUT OFF SHACKLES AND CUFFS,

CLEAN UP, LAY LOW FOR A COUPLE

DAYS.

THEN, YOU AND I BOTH GO OUR

SEPARATE WAYS.

>> Jon: YOU MEAN WE ALL THREE GO

OUR SEPARATE WAYS, RIGHT?

I MEAN, WE'RE BREAK BUDS.

>> NO.

THIS WHY I BRING CAMERAS --

TO FILM YOUR DEATH.

>> I DO STAND-UP COMEDY.

DO SOME ACTING, ALSO.

I'M ON THE SHOW "LOUIE."

DONE SOME WHAT SOME PEOPLE CALL

SCENE-STEALING CAMEOS.

IS THAT LAVENDER OIL YOU'RE

WEARING?

>> ENOUGH OF THIS BULL[BLEEP].

HE'S YOUR [BLEEP] BROTHER!

YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

I'M GONNA ASK YOU ONE MORE

TIME -- WHERE DID THEY GO?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY LOOKING AT THE

DENTAL-FLOSSING STORE?

[ LAUGHS ]

>> GOOD ONE, BABE.

>> ALL RIGHT, FUNNY BONES.

YOU WANT TO PLAY HARDBALL?

LET'S PLAY HARDBALL.

T.B.

>> I'LL CALL OUR LAWYER!

I JUST HAVE TO FINISH TEXTING

JILL ABOUT CANCUN.

>> WE ARE HERE.

WE WILL CUT WANG CHO FREE AND

LET HIM GO.

THEN, WE TURN OUR ATTENTION TO

JON.

BEGIN JON'S LAST DAY ON EARTH.

>> Jon: DO I GET A LAST MEAL?

'CAUSE IF I DO, I SAW A RIB

PLACE ON THE WAY HERE, AND IT

LOOKED PRETTY GOOD.

I WOULDN'T MIND RIBS.

YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THAT PLACE?

DO THEY HAVE PLATTERS?

MAYBE I CAN GET SOME POTATOES

AND, UH, STRING BEANS.

WE CAN DO SOMETHING ELSE.

>> QUITE A TURN OF EVENTS, I'D

SAY.

>> YES, IT IS.

>> GUESS THE WHOLE REUNION

SHOW'S COME OFF THE RAILS A BIT.

>> YES, BUT WE'RE PLUGGING ALONG

BEST THAT WE CAN.

>> I JUST HAD A LITTLE IDEA.

MAYBE YOU MIGHT WANT TO, UH,

FILL A FEW OF THE HOLES IN THE

SHOW WITH A TAPE THAT I'VE MADE.

FOR JON.

WHILE HE'S BEEN IN PRISON.

IT'S LIKE A SORT OF A SELF-HELP

THING.

JON, LET'S JUST DO A MIRROR

EXERCISE TOGETHER.

FOLLOW MY HANDS.

THAT'S IT! 'ROUND!

[ MOANS ]

HMM?

>> WE'LL DROP IT IN IF WE'RE

DESPERATE.

OKAY?

>> I CANNOT WAIT TO GET BACK TO

MOTHER RUSSIA.

>> YOU WILL MISS YOUR BROTHER,

NO?

>> I WILL MISS YVGENY, YES.

ONE PERSON I WILL NOT MISS IS

TODD BARRY.

>> I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

WE USED TO HAVE A COMEDIAN

HANGING OUT WITH US ALL THE

TIME, TOO.

>> [ SCATTING ]

WHOO!

[ SCATTING ]

* HEY!

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> YOUR DEATH WILL BE MUCH MORE

SLOW.

AND MUCH MORE PAINFUL.

>> Jon: ARE MY RIBS ALMOST HERE?

>> DRINK UP.

OH, YEAH? HERE YOU GO.

TAKE SOME MORE.

>> OH, HEY!

A VODKA PARTY.

I DRINK NEXT?

>> IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

WHERE SERGEI MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE

GONE, YOU HAD BETTER START

TALKING UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO

RECONSIDER YOUR PLEA DEAL.

>> MAYBE THERE'S PLACE THEY

COULD HAVE GONE.

BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK

ABOUT.

>> WHAT PLACE?

>> WELL...

>> NO, NO!

DON'T SAY ANYTHING, MISHKA!

AND I DON'T MEAN DON'T SAY

ANYTHING UNTIL YOU TALK TO YOUR

LAWYER.

I'M SAYING DON'T SAY ANYTHING

BECAUSE I'D RATHER SHOW A CLIP.

WE HAVE A SAYING IN TV -- SHOW,

DON'T TELL.

>> MISHKA.

DON'T FORGET TO LOCK UP WHEN

YOU'RE DONE HERE.

>> OKAY.

>> OH, AND I NEED YOU TO CLEAN

SAFE HOUSE.

YOU KNOW WHERE SAFE HOUSE IS?

>> NO.

>> I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TELL YOU

ABOUT IT, BUT IT'S DIRTY.

AND WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL?

YOUR BROOM?

[ LAUGHS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I'LL LEAVE DIRECTIONS

DOWNSTAIRS.

DON'T TELL SERGEI I TOLD YOU.

>> NO, NO.

I WILL LOCK DOOR AND THROW AWAY

KEY.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ MOANS ]

[ PANTING ]

THREE BLOCKS DOWN.

MAKE RIGHT.

THIRD DOOR ON THE RIGHT.

>> GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

>> I WANT A SNIPER TEAM ON THIS.

YOU HAVE A GREEN LIGHT.

SHOOT TO KILL.

T.B., THAT INCLUDES JON.

>> [ SCREAMING ]

>> THIS NOW REUNION SHOW I WOULD

WATCH.

REUNION OF ALL DEAD PEOPLE IN

YOUR LIFE.

YOUR BROTHER.

YOUR FATHER.

[ GUNSHOT ]

YOUR MOTHER.

[ GUNSHOT ]

YOUR OLD BODYGUARD.

[ GUNSHOT ]

MIGHTY JOE JON, BLACK BLOND.

[ GUNSHOT ]

SETH FROM NETWORK.

[ GUNSHOT ]

YOUR FRIEND FROM WOODS.

[ GUNSHOT ]

YOUR CADDIE.

GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE ROD STEWART.

SCOTT WOLF.

PAUL RUDD.

AND YOUR EX-WIFE!

AND DON'T WORRY.

FIRST CHANCE I GET, I MAKE SURE

YOUR SON JOIN YOU, TOO!

>> Jon: YOU TOUCH HIM, I WILL

KILL YOU!

>> BUT FIRST, WE NEED TO MAKE

SOME TRIMS AROUND THE JON TREE.

STARTING WITH THIS BRANCH RIGHT

HERE.

THEN, THIS BRANCH.

AND THEN, THIS BRANCH.

AND THEN, THIS BRANCH.

AND FINALLY -- LOOK IN MY EYE,

JON.

LOOK AT ME!

FINALLY, THIS BRANCH RIGHT HERE.

I'VE WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS,

JON.

DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS?

>> Jon: YEAH.

WHY ARE MY RIBS TAKING SO LONG?

>> JON?

SERGEI? QIQANG?

WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP, NO

ONE GETS HURT.

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> OH, HEY, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN

THAT MOVIE "THE TOWN"?

'CAUSE THIS REMINDS ME OF THAT

STANDOFF AT FENWAY, YOU KNOW?

I ONLY MENTION IT BECAUSE IT'S

JON'S FAVORITE FILM AND HE'S

ALWAYS GOING ON AND ON AND ON

ABOUT IT.

>> Jon: YOU'VE NEVER SEEN

"THE TOWN"?

>> NO.

>> Jon: "THE TOWN."

I GAVE YOU GUYS THE DVD TWO

MONTHS AGO.

ALL RIGHT. BYE-BYE.

DAVID JUST WATCHED "THE TOWN."

>> I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.

>> Jon: [ Boston accent ] YOUR

LOSS.

>> ARE YOU DOING A BOSTON

ACCENT?

>> Jon: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT! ENOUGH!

I REPEAT, COME OUT WITH YOUR

HANDS UP, NO ONE GETS HURT.

OTHERWISE, WE WILL SHOOT TO

KILL.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

HOW ELSE YOU SUPPOSED TO SHOOT?

TO TICKLE?

[ LAUGHS ]

SHOOT TO TICKLE!

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, LOOK AT ME!

I'M GOING TO SHOOT TO TICKLE!

COOCHIE, COOCHIE, COOCHIE!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> SNIPERS ARE IN PLACE.

"A" AND "B" TEAMS READY TO GO.

[ GUNSHOT ]

OH, NO.

I'M GOING IN, CHIEF.

>> CLOSE DOWN THE BRIDGES AND

TUNNELS.

LOCK THE CITY DOWN.

>> JUST KEEP GOING.

* OH, YEAH

* IT'S A PRISON BREAK

* COME ON, IT'S A PRISON BREAK

[ LAUGHING ]

[ DOG BARKING ]

[ MOTOR WHIRRING ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

>> IS VERY STRANGE BEING HERE.

I FEEL A LITTLE BAD PUTTING MY

FRIENDS IN JAIL.

AND CHINESE GUYS.

AND JON.

>> HEY, BARRY.

GOOD MORNING.

>> HOW ARE YOU?

>> GOOD, THANKS.

>> NOW MY NAME IS BARRY.

I'M ALSO IN THE

WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.

I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.